The Harland Highway - 454: Capn'n Kirk drops by. Office Xmas stuff

Episode Date: December 10, 2012

Harland tries to talk his boss, Mr. Featherstone into throwing an Xmas party, The trouble with girl things, Christmas at the office, and a visit from Cap'n Kirk. Fish sand which!!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Dick the halls with boughs of Wally. My neighbor's name is Wally, and I want you to deck them out over the boughs. Okay, really horrible Christmas start. Really bad. Sorry, Wally. Okay, welcome, folks. This is Harland Williams. You are on the Harlan Highway.

And great to have you here during the holiday season. What a treat. I hope you're having a good. one. Today we're actually going to be talking about Christmas a little bit. Christmas office parties to you or the people around you work in an office. Do you have that annual Christmas office party? Is it awkward? Is it weird or is it fun? Plus, we're going to have a Christmas song from my buddy Toby Huss about office parties. We're going to be talking about something that's kind of messy that girls do and it affects guys sometimes in a really bad way um and then back to

christmas i'm going to try and organize a uh christmas party i'm going to go up and visit my boss mr featherstone see if he'll spring for a christmas party and also captain kirk is here today oh this guy's annoying he thinks my console at the harland highway is the bridge of the uss Enterprise. God help us. It is the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right. Let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway.

What's up, Brad? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland

Williams. In 30 seconds you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Space. The final frontier. This Are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise are five-year journey to seek out new life

to chase space demons across the galaxy to boldly go where no man has ever, ever gone before. These are the space adventures. Kirk! Kirk! Excuse me. Kirk! Are you doing in my studio?

I'm preparing for the Christmas holidays. What do you mean? This is not... What are you doing here in my podcast studio? I'm afraid you're all mixed up. This is the bridge of the Starship Enterprise or five-year mission to seek out bold new life and boldly... No, stop the music.

Don't turn the music to boldly go. where no man is ever, ever, ever, set foot on planets before. Stop it! I don't like you raising your voice on my bridge. It's not your bridge. This is my podcast studio. What are you doing here?

What is that on my console? This is a Christmas log cake. A Christmas log cake. It's chocolate with a creamy vanilla center and chocolate icing all around. Why is there a chocolate log cake on my damn console? Well, let me best express it with this. Captain's Long Cake.

Star 8, 5, 7. What did you just say? I said, Captain's Log Cake. Star 8, 5, 7, 3, 9. No, there's no Captain's Log cake. It's Christmas time. Normally I do. Captain's Log.

this case for the fest of season, I must do a captain's log cake. Stop it! There's no such thing as a captain's log cake. There is on the holidays. No! You don't put a chocolate log cake on my console. That's expensive equipment, Kirk. I must fill out the captain's log cake for Christmas.

No! And what does that smell? I'm not sure what you're talking about. It smells like something roasting. I'm still not clear. It might be dilethium crystal. No, that smells like nuts. Oh, surely you must be in the chestnuts roasting on the satellite dish.

You've got chestnuts roasting on the satellite dish? That is correct. You are absolutely correct. Get them out. Get the chestnuts out of the damn satellite. What is wrong with you? I'm afraid I can't allow you to challenge my authority on the bridge of the Starship Enterprises. Five-year journey to seek out new life only get. Stop it.

Get the damn long cake off the console. Get the chestnuts roasting on the satellite out of there. And what the hell is that? I'm not sure what you're referring to. What has happened to my fish tank? I'm still not clear on what you're talking. Why is the water all yellow? I'm afraid that's not water.

What do you mean that's not water? That's festive eggnog in your fish tank. What? I said that's festive holiday eggnog. Can I offer you a cup of the gingery treat? No! You put eggnog in my fish tank, you idiot? I can't allow you to be swearing.

not swearing. I called you an idiot. I stand corrected. Now look at all my fish. They're dead. They're floating around in your eggnog. I'm afraid those aren't fish. Those are alien life forms and they must be shot dead with my phaser gun. Please stand back will I terminate the alien life farms. They're not alien life forms. They're dead angel fish and guppies thanks to you putting eggnog. Excuse me while I shoot the alien life bulbs. No, stop it. There's no laser gun. Stop.

Stop shooting your laser gun, Kirk. It's not real. Nothing's happening. I must kill the alien lifebox. Get out of here. Get your log cake, your nuts, and your eggnog out. I must complete my mission captain's long cake. Start 8.5-7.

Get out! Do you mind if I grab the tinsel on your monitors before I go? Get out! Could there be anything more annoying than Captain James T. Kirk? What the hell, man? Wow. Well, you know what? There is one thing more annoying.

Let me throw this past the dudes that are listening. Dudes. Are you listening, dudes? Oh, ha. How many of you dudes have had a girl, a girlfriend, a wife, a one-night stand, pull the old PPC card on you? Huh? The old PPC card.

You know what I mean? It's the pull the period card. PPC pull the period card. And you know what I mean, boys? You're in the middle of a makeout session. You still got the clothes on. You're getting all heated up. You're making out.

You're touching. You're this. Maybe you get the top off. And all of a sudden, you know, you go for the old belt buckle or the jeans, that button on the top of the jeans of the fly. I'm like, oh, hold on. No. Like, excuse me?

Hold on. Just a sec. Hold on. Cool it. What? Yeah, it's my time. They're like, no way. Yeah, it's my time.

I've got my, it's my monthly lady thing. I'm doing, I'm doing a lady dance in my pants right now. You're having your period. Yeah. It's my time. It's my time to shine. Now, that's okay. That's biological.

Okay, boys? That's biologically. You can't fight that. Like, oh, whoa, I get it. Okay. Woo. Might have maybe told me before we got a little frisky, you know, but, you know, hey, it's all right.

You know, maybe could have told me before we took your top off and we were messing around, you know, it's aggravating. Let's be honest, but it's biology. So you go, okay, I get it. Maybe for you ladies listening, maybe you could say that up front so that you're not. not, you know, disappointing the boys. But here's where I don't like the PPC.

How many of you boys, men, guys, whatever you are, have had the lady friend. It's all romantic. Everything's going in the right direction. You're both feeling it. And you go for home plate and boom. PPC. But you know, and here's the difference,

you know they're BSing you. It's like maybe they're not ready to go there. Maybe they're not in the mood. Maybe they were just looking for making out. They don't really want to get down and dirty. They don't want to, you know, your wife doesn't want to have sex or your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex

or your one-night stand doesn't want to have sex or fool around. No matter what that may be. It could be oral, could be the full shabangy. The full bar mitzvah. And you know, you know they're just BSing. That's where the PPC gets really aggravating. You almost want to, you know what? Show me.

Excuse me? No, no, pull down your pants and show me. I'm sorry. Yeah, I want to see some blood. There will be blood. You will eat my milkshake. There will be blood my ass. I don't care.

where it is. I want you to, I think you're BSing me. Oh, this is going to be blood all right. Ow! Why'd you punch me in the face? Because you wanted to see blood. But you can just tell. You know, most people, you can tell when someone's lying

a lot of the time, right? And it's just in the inflection or it's at the moment that it happened. I think every guy here has been through it. The old PPC, and you know, the guys can't do that. Not that a guy would ever stop sexual activity, right, boys? But it's like a guy can't pull a little move.

You know, you can't pull like a TNB. What the hell is the TMB? A twist a nutbag. Excuse me? Yeah, I wore the wrong jeans. My nutbag's all twisted up. My left ball's actually on the right side, and my right ball twisted over to my left side.

It's a mess. I'm sorry? Yeah, I'm sorry, too. Hey, I wish I could, you know, I wish I, if I undo my pants right now, my balls are so twisted up. My nut sack is so twisted. It's like a helicopter propeller.

The minute you pull those pants open, you're going to get slapped in the face with a propeller. Oh my God. I think I might be on to something here, man. TNS, Twisted Nutsack. I can't do it tonight. I've got PPC. Well, I've got TNS. Well, I've got PPC.

I've got TNS. Let's drop our drawers and see who wins. So I don't know. That's the only way to... get them back right every now and then a girl gets a hankering for some naughtiness and you're like sorry t n s twisted nutsack uh so there you go it's frustrating but uh you know power through it boys there will be another day there will be another day can you imagine you get so desperate you're like you know it screw it man i'm going to call an escort

And then imagine this, the X-S score comes over, you know, $900 an hour. All right, baby, let's go get those pants off. Sorry, PPC. Oh, God. Heavens to Mercatroyd. All right, how many of you listening right now are listening in your office or your place of work? I know you're out there. Don't worry, I'm not your boss.

I'm not with personnel. I'm not going to bust you. In fact, I'm going to encourage more people to listen at work. All right? I hope this helps your day skip along, injects a little levity into your day, puts a smile on your face. Maybe you're sitting in a cubicle. Maybe you're sitting in the warehouse.

Maybe you're sweeping a floor. Maybe you're painting a wall. Who knows? Maybe you're bored at work. Maybe you don't like your work. Maybe you're happy. This is just another layer to help you get. through your day, the Harland Highway.

And I do get a lot of letters and phone calls from people telling me that they do listen to the show at work and it helps them along, gives them a laugh. I've had letters from people that say they're laughing out loud and their coworkers look up and look over and like, what the hell? And I like that. I like that that I'm making you chuckle at work. But if you are at work, or even if you're not at work, you probably work somewhere. and yes, it's that time of year

where a lot of places throw the office Christmas party, right? I think we've all been to the office Christmas party. Awkward because suddenly you're thrown into a social setting where there's drinks and music and, you know, levity and celebration. And there's a lot of dynamics at play, okay? First of all, you're socializing. with people you wouldn't probably normally socialize with. I mean, there are people that hang out with work people,

but for the most part, I think work people kind of keep their work separate from their friends and their family. It probably intermingles a bit, but when you work somewhere, there's people that you're closer with, there's people you have relationships with. It's like survivor, right? There's key people that are like your go-to people, and there's, you know, maybe a guy over,

an accounting that you know them and you say hi to them in the hall but you're not really friends with them and then there's maybe some people that rubbed you the wrong way and then there's your bosses that you got to kind of dance around and ask kiss a little and it's easy to manage all that stuff at work and you know maybe there's a cute receptionist or maybe there's a married mother who's hot but suddenly throw that into a party setting with dim lights and booze and music and people loosen up. And I've been there, man. Sometimes the tongues start wagging.

People start confessing things. People start getting drunky and they start talking about stuff. Or sometimes you'll see crushes come out of the woodwork, people who like each other, suddenly feel that this is a more appropriate place to fess up or make a move, Because, you know, maybe they ask that girl over in a couch receivable for a dance. Or maybe you're both a little drunk and some confession slip out. You know, things can get a little sloppy.

Sloppy Christmas! Christmas party! All right, I shouldn't sing. But speaking of singing, let's go to a... song, a Christmas song by my buddy Toby Huss, who has an alter ego, Rudy Kassoni. He's got an incredible album. You can catch it on iTunes. It's Rudy Kassoni Snowballs. And he has a great cut on here.

I'm going to play. And it's called the Office Christmas Party. And for all of you who are having office Christmas parties are just hanging around your workplace, here it is Rudy Casoni Office Christmas Party for the holiday. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Bing. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Peace. Then you started stripping Off your pants down to your red and green

G string You buffed in your new briefcase On the client database You're really cruising now The party's in full swing Because this is your night Sir, you've worked hard all year It's your American right

To drink up your Christmas cheer You set the Christmas cheer on fire, you really had to admire when you pissed it out that really showed some class staggered to the copy room huffed on some tone of fumes then made xeroxes of your pimply eyes

because this is your night Sir, you've worked hard all year it's your American ride to drink up your Christmas cheer You stuck a postage on your balls With set decked the halls

Then you painted white out snowflakes on your cock Passed out in the elevator I woke sometime later Getting cranked off by Jim from the Loden Dog Because this is your night Oh brother You worked hard hard All goddamn year

It's your right Baby To drink up your Christmas cheer I'm going to be able to be. Yeah, there it is. Whistling the Christmas tunes. So check him out. Toby Huss as Rudy Kassoni on iTunes.

The album's called Snowballs, full of fun Christmas songs. Download it and enjoy. Toby's buddy of mine, I did a movie with him called Down Periscope, Submarine movie we did together. They're hilarious, talented, funny guy. And speaking of office parties, you know what?

I don't know why we haven't had one around here at the Harland Highway. That ain't right. Roger, how come we haven't had a party? What? He just shrugs his shoulders. Thanks, Roger. Big help. You know what?

I'm going to go up, I'm going to go upstairs and talk to. Why am I yelling at Roger through the glass? he just shrugged his shoulders again thank you i'm going to go upstairs and uh talk to my boss mr featherstone and uh let's see if we can't get a harland highway christmas party going uh roj cover for me i'm heading upstairs i'll be right back and you shrug your shoulders again thanks a lot well here i am i'm upstairs on the 12th floor just outside my office, my boss's office, Mr. Featherstone.

He runs the whole Harland Highway Operation, a podcast. He hires all of us, including me. And I figure as the host of the podcast, I should be the one to go in and ask for a Christmas party. Secretary's typing. I'm out in a lobby here. And I can go in? Okay. Thank you.

I'm going in. I'm going in. Uh, hello, sir. Mr. Featherstone, sir. Hey, how are you? Uh, great, sir. Uh, happy holidays. Worst of the season.

Excuse me? I said worst of the season to you. Um, I'm just joking. Sit down. Let's get this started. What do you want? Well, sir, you know, it's a festive time of year. And, uh, you know, people are making merry and gay.

Excuse me? You've heard the saying. What, sir? People are making merry and gay. Well, yeah, I've heard that term. I bet you have. Excuse me? I bet you have.

What does that mean, sir? Ah. What? Ah. Sir, I'm here to ask about... I know what you're here for. Make Mary and Gay like you do every Saturday night down at the cheddar cheese a cauliflower stick.

But cheddar cheese cauliflower stick. Yeah, you know that bar down on, uh, you know. No, I don't know that bar, sir. All right, what do you want? Well, sir, I thought it would be a good gesture, a nice thing to do this time of year. If you were to organize or throw a Christmas party for all the staff here at the Harland Highway.

I'd say what now? A Christmas party, sir All right, before we get to that, let me ask you something. Okay. Have you ever farted on a subway sandwich? Excuse me? Farted on a subway sandwich. What are you talking about, sir?

Pulling down your pants and you fart on a cold-cut combo. No, I haven't farted on a cold-cut combo subway sandwich, sir. Don't raise your voice. I'm sorry. I feel like we're getting off track here, sir. Now, you want to have a Christmas party. Why is that? Because I have a white beard. Well, I know. That's not why, sir. Because Sandy Claus has a white beard. Okay. I bet a lot of the guys have beards down on those bars you go to.

Excuse me? You know, those funny little bars you go to? I bet a lot of the guys have beards. What bars, sir? Oh, you know, like the olive oil bench? The olive oil bench. That's right. Sir. Look, you don't want to be around whitebeard.

You know who else has white beards? Who? Perverts in prison. That's who. You want to go to prison? No, I don't want to go to prison. Well, why don't you, if you're all geared up about Sandy Claws, why do you go down to the prison,

and sit on a few laps, you pervert. Sir, I'm not a pervert. I came to ask if we could have a nice little Christmas party. Don't raise your voice. Sir, I'm just asking if we could have a little Christmas party. And I'm telling you, if you want to see Sandy Claus, I don't want to see Sandy Claus. Well, he's a Christmas thing.

Yes, he is. Then go down to the prison and sit on some lap, Perv. Okay, sir. You know what? Hey, let me ask you something. What? Have you ever farted on an iPad? No, I haven't farted on an iPad, Mr. Featherstone.

Well, you should try it. Feels good having those apps pressed against your ass cheeks. Okay, you know what? This might have been a bad idea. I'll relax. Come here. Sit on my lap. Excuse me?

I've got a white beard, right? Yes. And so does Sandy Claus, right? Yes. And so to the perverts down in prison, right? I don't know. Well, come over here, sit on my lap, pretend I'm Sandy Claus or Pop B. Pretend I'm a jailhouse poivoyte.

A jailhouse what? Poivoyte. Poivote. That's how they say it. Oh, my God. No, I'd rather not sit on your lap, sir. Why not? I'm sure you sit on a lot of laps down at the crooked pine tree. The crooked pine tree?

You know that bar down there on Saturday night. I don't know what you're talking about. You know what? I'm just going to go. This was a bad idea. I bet you're going to go right down to the prison. I'm not going to the prison. I'm not sitting on your lap.

And I don't go to funny bars. You know what? I'll just send Christmas cards to people. How about that? Oh, now you're giving out presents. Well, if you can call a card a present. I got a present for you. You do?

Yeah, right here. See on the end of my desk? Yeah. There's a quarter of it's in there. Yeah, 25 cents. Why don't you take that? Get out of here and go jump on the subway. Excuse me?

Take that quarter and get the hell out of here. I got work to do. Go jump on the subway. Sir, the subway isn't a quarter? Yeah, whatever. You ever fawn on a bus driver? God, I'm leaving, sir. Well, happy holidays.

Yeah, happy holidays, sir. Thanks a lot for nothing. Nothing. That's exactly what I got you last year. How about that? Goodbye, sir. I got to take this call. Get out of here.

Oh, God. I heard that. Sorry, sir. I'm putting in a call to the prison. Don't! The Harland Highway, question of the day. All right, here it is. Why is it, the question of the day is,

why is it sometimes when you eat certain cereals, like, you know, like sugar smacks or Lucky Charms, why is it sometimes you eat certain cereals and then you go pee and your pee smells like those cereals what the hell is that that is an important question I hope somebody has the answer why our pee smells like cereal

and it better not be the answer better not be that they make cereal out of pee because I've eaten a lot of cereal and I now realize I should have been drinking it. Hello! The Harland Highway, question of the day. Oh, boy. So listen, every now and then I give you guys,

you pavement pounders, a homework assignment. I know I'm like an old nag. I'm like your old mother telling you what to do, but this is a good one. I hope you'll see the beauty in this. I hope you'll see the positivity in this. I hope you'll find some joy. in this homework assignment.

Here's what I want you to do sometime within the next seven days so you have a whole week to do your homework or you will be sent to the corner. Because it's Christmas season, it's the holiday season, and, you know, this is the time of year

where I feel like more than any other part of the year, there's a kinsmanship with our fellow human beings, there's a feeling of warmth, the feeling of togetherness, a feeling of joy. At least I hope you experience that. I shouldn't say it's a given for everybody. But I would hope you find some joy in that. Or maybe some people feel sadness at the holidays.

But here's some homework that I think, no matter how you feel, no matter what religion you are, even if you're an atheist, I want you to do this homework. Because I think it'll make you feel good. You don't necessarily have to be tied to any holiday or religion for this, but because it's the holiday season, let's try it. I want you to go out of your way in the next seven days. From the day you heard this, I want you to go out of your way to do something nice for somebody.

It can be a family member. It could be a complete stranger. It could be an old lady. it could be a kid and I want you to go out of your way a little bit I want you to get out of your comfort zone I'm not talking about oh I'll hold the door for someone or you know oh how are you today

a friendly greeting I want you to do something that's a little out of your comfort zone like maybe you see someone struggling on the street you walk up and you hand them ten dollars How much is $10 out of your whole life? Or maybe you're in a line at a grocery store and somebody's like fumbling for change

or they're like, oh, I'm a dollar short, and you jump in and go, let me get that good, sir, good madam. Here's one that I do, and I've never talked about this before, but I'm going to talk about it because I want to draw a comparison for you. I was, I don't know, a year ago.

I was at a restaurant by myself reading my newspaper. And in walked a table full of severely mentally challenged kids. These children were, you know, ranging from probably age 15 to age 25. and these children, these people were mentally retarded, and I don't know if we're allowed to use that term, but I'm using it in context. And they were severely challenged and, you know, extreme level of, you know, being mentally challenged.

And I looked over, and there must have been, you know, 10 of them at the table, And a few people with them, I guess they're counselors or friends or family, people, you know, overseeing their little get-together. And my heart just went out to these people because I could see the smile on their face. I can see the joy and just to see them all together. And I knew that they didn't have, you know, maybe the type of life that the rest of us have. Now, in their own way, in their own world, they only know what they know, and they probably had a great life as far as they knew. But obviously, there's a lot of deficiencies because they can't absorb the world the way we can.

And I called my waiter over, and I said, look, I want to pay for that table's meal. Don't tell them. Don't say a word. Just wait till I'm gone. you know here's my credit card um everything they've ordered up to now just put it on my credit card and uh it's just something i want to do for those wonderful kids you know i just i saw them my heart kind of broke and um and i did and i i did that and i left and they never knew uh and actually i have to say about a month later i got a wonderful uh letter in the mail

I guess the people that were coordinating the event with the kids kind of asked the waiter and figured out who I was and tracked me down and sent me a wonderful card. But I went out of my comfort zone, and it was a couple of hundred bucks, right? But I didn't care. I was like, what's a couple of hundred bucks in the span of my whole lifetime?

And it was weird and it was different, and it was just, you know, I just did it. And here's why I'm urging you to do it, especially this time of year. And it could be a dollar. It doesn't even have to be money. It could be a gesture. It could be helping someone.

It could be giving someone a hug. It could be saying something to a loved one that you've never said before. Maybe you've never told your father you love them. Maybe it's time. But here's why I'm urging you to do it. because of the feeling you'll have inside, the feeling of giving,

the feeling of giving of yourself, a feeling of not worrying about your comfort zone and sacrificing all of that just to help or give joy to somebody else. Giving, giving, giving, giving. And if you're uncomfortable for a minute, it's okay, it's going to pass and I'm going to tell you this once you've stepped through that door and you've done your deed

you're going to forget about being uncomfortable and you're going to go man did that feel good I feel great I feel alive I just I just helped somebody I just I just did something totally unexpected for somebody and I promise you if you're an atheist if you're a Christian if you're a Jew if you're Muslim if you're Buddhist, if you're Catholic, it doesn't matter,

I think you're going to feel something good inside. At least I hope you do. So there you go. You don't have to do it, but I'm urging you to do it. A little bit of pressure from me, your host, Harlem Williams, to do something nice for someone in the next seven days that's a little outside of your comfort zone that you wouldn't normally do.

And forget about your needs and what you want and what you feel and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is about giving of yourself to somebody else during this wonderful time of year. So there you go. I'd love to hear nuts. You know, I'd love to hear what you did, but I really would love to hear about is how it made you feel. Because I think outside of all the gifts you could get this season, this is a gift you can give to yourself. I think you will feel so good inside.

It'll be infectious. So there you go. Let me know if you're able to pull it off your homework assignment for the holiday season. You can write me at harloughwilliams.com or you can leave a phone message at 323-739-4-3-30. And if you feel like sharing your homework, please do. 323739 4330 I'm sure if you share your story it will encourage other people to do their homework so hopefully we hear from some of you harlowyms.com or 3237394330 what a treat I can't wait to hear what some of you folks did and there you go

that's it we're going to end the show with that Screw my boss, Mr. Featherstone. If he's going to be a Christmas humbug, all of us aren't, right, gang? So make sure you check out Harlow Williams.com. Join the Twitter parade at Harlan Williams, the Facebook, Harland Williams official Facebook page. And don't forget my new special is coming out. My stand-up comedy special, Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature,

Available on iTunes, January 15th. Oh, my God, I'm so excited. This is the one where I'm standing in the middle of the desert, doing my stand-up in the middle of the day under the scorching sun. It's a special like you've never seen before. I'm sure I think I can guarantee that. And as we get closer to the holidays, happy holidays, Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, all that fun stuff.

and let's leave it there for now and until next time good luck with your homework and chicken chau-main baby