The Harland Highway - 455: XMAS HOMECOMING, Creepy Disney kids

Episode Date: December 13, 2012

Gift giving and home for the holidays, knives in the kitchen, creepy Disney kids. Blorne Identitree!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lord love, a three-legged leopard skin jacket. Welcome, everybody. This is Harlem Williams. You are rolling down the Harlan Highway. Great to have you here as we come up towards the end of another year. So sad. But happier here. What a show we have today. We are going to be talking about all kinds of things, like going home for the holidays, going through the airports. things like that. We're going to be talking about a presence, selecting presents.

Are you good at selecting presents? Do you buy good presents? You take the time or do you do something that's maybe a little lame. We're going to be talking about that. We're going to be talking about Disney shows. There's some really creepy weird Disney shows on the air and I got to get it off my chest.

We're going to be talking about that. what about knives this is the time of year we should be talking about knives do you have knives in your in your kitchen let's talk about them i think this would be a perfect show to talk about your knives and then also um talking about you know going home back to your home you grew up in as a little kid it's all here your home right here on the Harland Highway You're riding You're riding down the

Harland Highway Baby it's cold Baby it's cold outside outside. Christmas is a coming. And, uh, man, it's that time of year. Uh, you can feel it in the air. People are out buying their presents. All the Christmas lights are up. I dig it, man. Um, but welcome. Enough of that. Enough of that good cheer and frivolity. How about this? How about, uh, do you watch TV at all. Even

channel surfing, you have to have noticed this. Disney has a whole bunch of channels now. They have Disney family and Disney kids and Disney Jr. and Disney Disney Disney Disney and Disney Disney Disney Disney Disney Disney Disney Disney or

did Disney he? I mean and good for Disney but here's where it's getting weird and annoying for me. We've got all these shows like, you know, I Carly and Hannah Montana, and they have like these, they're like sitcomy shows, high concept sitcomy shows for kids, for, you know, teenagers and kids like from six years old up to like, you know, 17, that snack bracket.

And I don't watch the shows, but I scan through the channels and I end up. dropping on them very very briefly and disney i don't know how they do it but it drives me nuts and i don't know if you've noticed it or you even watch these shows but they have a knack for casting kids that physically look really annoying and different okay like they'll cast a kid who's got a big nose or his eyes are too close to or they've got the weirdest haircut you've ever seen or they're kind of pudgy but they've got big blue eyes or there's something about the kids i don't know if they go like into the desert and knock on the door of the hills have eyes family or uh you know they go to like you know

insane asylums all over the country and do casting calls but they have a a knack and they must do it on purpose because there's way too many Disney shows where I see this trend where they find the goofy kid whose looks are just a little off and you realize that Disney's not casting these kids because they have acting ability they're going let's find the kid that looks nutty and off and has like the crooked head or has like the uh you know the praying mantis eyes or the kooky extra big nose and the high voice or the haircut that looks like orange julius or something you know what i mean and i think that's their agenda they find these physically whacked out people and then they go you know what if they can act we'll teach

them to act don't worry about the craft of acting any idiot can memorize a line just find me these kids that annoy you just to look at them and they do it man and the problem is these kids show up and god bless them i'm not really faulting the kids but the kids show up on the show i think they're the only one in the room that that don't get it that disney cast them because they look like mentoids from the fourth dimension and so this kid with you know the buccaneer hair cut and the crazy crab fingers and the you know the eyes of a tit mouse you know these kids show up thinking oh man i must be an actor and you see these kids putting their heart and soul into it and trying to get the comedy timing and the acting and you know that sure they can memorize the lines but

they just come off as horrible not all of them i can't put them all in the hole but the majority of them you're just like it's almost unwatchable yet because i think and here's the gimmick and i'm just guessing here but i think disney's counting on these kids being so kooky that kids are going to look out look uh tune in for the visual bonanza and forego any acting or storylines are just like you know i don't know what it is but for some reason i can't take my eyes off the guy with the slanted face and his teeth are on his forehead, you know, it's like, it just drives me nuts, man. And I don't even want to invite you to do this, but I think I might have to just to, maybe I'm

just going crazy, but maybe I need someone to verify this for me, but tune in like any day of the week or the weekend and click on to these Disney shows. and usually the main star or starlet is usually like a haughty in hiding. You know, they're like a Hillary Duff or a, you know, one of these really cute kids that somehow they know they're going to grow up and look model-esque. But all the supporting characters are just like, you know, they're like Dementoids.

They're like just these creepy kids. So, you know, I don't know what's going on. with that. Check it out. Maybe you can let me know. Write to me at Harlowilliams.com. And please tell me I'm not the only one who's seeing this creepiness.

Have you checked the children? Hi, I'm Chuckie. Want to play? Oh, yes. And speaking of children and kids and family, it's Christmas. And what are you doing for gift giving this year? Are you one of these people that

give a gift card? Is that easier to do? Yeah, I'm asking the question, because is it a cop-out? Is it a lame-out? It's like, yeah, here you go. Here's something that weighs almost an ounce. It's about as thick as a piece of paper, and it's about the size of my credit card.

In fact, it's the exact size of my credit card. Here you go, a plastic wafer. And yeah, that plastic wafer that gift card might have, you know, $100 on it, or it might have a fancy logo on it, a picture of Starbucks logo, or a picture of, you know, Barnes & Noble. You know, who knows? Maybe a Best Buy, whatever. Maybe it's an Apple gift card.

But it doesn't seem to matter, no matter how much you put on it. it just kind of feels impersonal right it's like hey man what you give me for christmas well you're gonna love this a wafer thin okay barely feelable all right plastic yeah gift card oh hmm but don't be distraught there is $150 on it. Hmm, you couldn't have just given me $150? Well, I did. It's in that gift card. Hmm, okay.

Well, I guess. I mean, it's, you know, it's the thought that counts, I guess, right? But those gift cards, even though they're probably good, they're probably handy, there is something about them that feels a little like, you know, are you kind of one of these people that's like, I don't know what to get. Yeah, here's a gift card. What do you mean? Don't be mad at me.

It's $150. Yeah, I put a lot of thought into it. I was standing at Starbucks, and I was thinking, I love coffee. And then I was thinking, you know what? Ed loves coffee. It's Christmas. I'm going to help Ed love coffee. How easy was that?

I've done my Christmas shopping. Here's your wafer thin plastic card. You see where I'm going with this? I don't know. And in a way, they're good because, you know, then people can go and redeem them for whatever they want. And, you know, they get to go into the store and go, well, I got $150 bucks. There's that phone I always wanted. I'm going to get that phone.

But I don't know. There's something different about, you know, someone going out and going, gee, I'd like to get Bill a phone. What kind of phone would Bill like? And then, you know, they went and looked at all the phones and they picked them up, and they felt them and they pressed the buttons and they're thinking of you. They're like, I wonder if Bill would like this feature, or Bill would like that feature. Oh, this has instant messaging. Bill would love the instant message, right?

And you looked at the packaging and you read the instructions and you felt how heavy it was. Maybe you shook it. Yeah, Bill's going to like this. And there's something knowing that this person who gave you a gift. actually went out and put you in the forefront of their to-do list. And I'm guessing that they had to shop around and compare. But a gift card kind of takes all the footwork out of it. It's like, boom, here you go.

Oh, my God, where'd you get this? Well, I went into Starbucks. It was right there on the counter right beside the Rice Krispy squares. Oh, my God. This is wonderful. So it's a mixed blessing. gift card. So what I'm asking, are you one of these gift carders this holiday season? And if you are, just, you know, wrap them up, little flat package, your friend will go, okay, he either got me

a gift card or this is a pack of condoms. Hello. Have a really nice day today, folks. You deserve it. Well, I saw a commercial the other day for, it was one of those, you know, those fast talking like the sham wow type commercials. You've got to have one of these in your kitchen. If you don't have one of these, you are an asshole. Only $4.99 for the... And it was one of these that's called the Edge of Glory knife sharpener. And here's this guy going on, and I was like,

Are your knives dull? You need the edge of glory knife sharpener. Look at this. I put it in here. It's almost effortless. And I can cut a trailer in half. Yes, I've just cut a Winner. go into three pieces and served it to my children.

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How many of you have ever used a kitchen knife to the point where it ever went dull? I mean, let's be honest here. I mean, okay, let's cross out like chefs and cooks, okay? But just the average Joe, you and me, how often do you pull out one of those big sharp knives out of the drawer? out of the knife, you know, that little knife stand, some of you have where there's like 17 knives. It was like a butcher knife and a big giant cutting knife and a bread cutting knife and, you know, these knife blocks or whatever they are. They're sitting on your counter in your kitchen. They look like the back of a bull that just got stabbed a million times in a bullfight in Spain.

It's like, what's with all the knives, dude? Well, I'm doing an autopsy later. My uncle died. Oh, okay. I mean, it's crazy, but think about it. How often do you pull one of those knives? Do you pull one out daily? Do you pull one out weekly?

Do you pull one out monthly? And really, what are you cutting with them? I mean, you cut a watermelon. You cut a tomato, you cut an onion, maybe you cut a sandwich and half. I hate to say it, folks. That's not a lot of duress on a metal knife blade. It's like, oh, great. I got to get a new knife.

Why's that, man? Oh, I just cut a tomato in half. Are you kidding me? This thing won't cut through any. I was going to do a murder later. I can't even kill my neighbor. Why not? Well, I cut a potato and I cut a chicken salad sandwich in half.

My knife blade's dull. That's where I'm. going with this, how often does your blade get dull? How many of us use a knife enough that the bloody blade ever goes dull? Truth be told, you can probably keep one of those kitchen knives around for eternity for the length of your lifetime, and it would probably not go dull. But that's what these commercials do. They make you think, do you need your knife sharp and look how it cuts you this tomato how dare you keep a dull knife around your kitchen well you know what it's not really dull and i don't really need the

edge of glory knife sharpener for 1299 and of course with those deals you know they always send you like and wait there's more we're going to send you 12 free ones for the price of nine hundred $100. It's like, okay, right. So anyways, I'm just asking, man. It just doesn't make any sense to me. We really don't use our knives that much, unless you're into tax dermy or, you know, you're like cutting through walls or something. There, I said it. I got that off my chest. Now I think I'll go stab myself. Thank you. Well, you make us feel important. You are important, Mrs. Gibb.

Oh, God. There it is. Can you hear it in the background? There's the airport. The holidays are coming. And I don't know about you. I don't know if you're staying at home or you're traveling. You've got to fly.

That's the only part of going home for the holidays. It's brutal. hitting that airport, man, during the holidays. It's crowded. It's noisy. And just the hassle. The hassle of flying. What is that all about?

You got to go through the X-ray machine. You ever tried taking presents? You ever tried taking presents through the X-ray machine during the holidays? You dare not wrap them. Okay? If you wrap them, they're like, oh, we got, we got to look inside there. But that's not for you.

Yeah, well, that's too bad. We got to, we got to look inside. But that says Billy on it. You can't go in there. Well, that's Billy's problem. We got to open it up. And it makes me wonder if these airport security guys are just like pissed at they got to work during Christmas.

Like, hey, man, I don't care what anyone says. I'm opening some motherfucking presents at Christmas. I don't care if they're mine. I'm just going to open some presents, man. And there they go. They get right into your presence. Bing, bang, boom. But, you know, there's also a good feeling when that plane starts to land when you get close to your destination.

You look out the window. And I'm guessing you're flying home. Most people fly home to their family. And you look out the window. And you're like, oh, there's the old buildings. There's the old skyline from the city I lived in And then the memories come flooding back And they're like, oh, look, there's, there's the thing

Where I did the thing and I lost my virginity And there's where me and Steve got our first speeding ticket And there's where, uh, that's where I've smoked my first cigarette And oh, it's good to be home for the holidays And then you, you know, the anticipation has seen everyone you know, Your friends, your family, familiar landmarks, You're going to all your old haunts, your favorite restaurants, your favorite donut shop. Maybe you drive by your old school that you went to.

Maybe you drive by the old neighborhood. You sneak a peek at the house that you grew up in. You're like, wait a minute. Those bushes weren't there when I was a kid. And what colors the garage? Since when is our garage green? Right? You start to have ownership issues.

Like you forget you haven't lived there for 15, 20 years. new families have come and gone but you still feel like wait a minute i grew up in that place where's where's my sandbox it used to be sitting out there where's the swing set what the hell who's in our house you get out of the car you run up to the front door get the hell out of my house so i'll call the police who the hell are you i live here okay nice now i'm calling the police all right and then you uh you show up at your friend or family's house, wherever you're spending the holidays with. There's that excitement.

There's that initial hug. There's the familiar sense. The smells in the house, in the hallway. Maybe if you celebrate Christmas, maybe there's the smell of that pine tree, that Christmas tree. And just for a minute, you're taken back to your youth. You're taken back to your comfort zone. You're taken back to all those things that we're

familiar and feel warm and fuzzy? Or the opposite. You walk in the door, you get slammed in the face with all the stuff I just mentioned, and you're like, holy Christ, why the hell did I come home? What in the name of hell was I thinking? There's those stupid plates. Oh, there's Uncle Billy. There's Aunt Gloria.

There's their stupid noisy kids. Oh, there's that stupid broken chair that's still there since I grew up. I'm getting out of air. It's one or the other, right? Or maybe it's shades of both. But at the end of the day, I think the idea of being back wins the day, right? Overrides any negativity. It's like, ah, I'm home for the holidays.

It's one of the, maybe one of the few things in life that gives you a little reassurance. No matter how your years gone, maybe you've been divorced, maybe you had some financial hardships, maybe you've been in a fight with someone, maybe you're involved in a lawsuit, maybe you've had some bitterness or some health issues.

But you go home, and there just seems to be a world of acceptance. You know, unless you're one of those families at feuds all the time. But if you're copesthetic with each other, there seems to be, you know what, let's put all my problems to the side. I'm home.

Bring me a turkey leg, a big frosty mug of beer, put a stupid red hat on my head, and let me slowly burp and pass out. Merry Christmas. So whatever the case is for you, I hope it's a good one. I hope it is a good one.

And as I said at the beginning of the show, man, we are close. We are very, very close. I hope you have plans. Hope you've bought your presents, your gift cards for everybody. And I hope you enjoy. It's been a great year, and we're looking forward to bringing you the Harland Highway again next year. Let's run through some announcements. If you're going to be in Toronto, Ontario, Canada for New Year's,

please, please get your tickets for Massey Hall. I will be hosting a show at Massey Hall in Toronto on New Year's Eve. It's the New Year's Eve comedy extravaganza at Massey Hall. It's a beautiful theater in downtown Toronto. Get your tickets online. And I was able to talk my cousin, Kevin Hearn, from the, bare naked ladies into coming on stage and doing a few songs with me. So the cousins, our little hobby band, will be there.

I'm going to be there doing some stand-up. There's going to be like five or six other great comedians. It's going to be a really fun show, folks. And the great part is you're out of there by 10.30 at night. Show wraps up at 10.30 so you can go from a great comedy show straight to your New Year's Eve party and welcome in the new year. Also coming in the new year, we can't forget this, January 15th, my brand new stand-up comedy special, Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature.

It's my first stand-up show special in many years. It's going to be on iTunes. You can pick it up at iTunes. You can digitally download it at iTunes, and this is the special where I shot it in the middle of the desert on a hill. in the Blazing Sun. Very different, very unique. I'm very proud of it, and I hope you dig it. So check it out on iTunes. Harlem Williams Force of Nature. Don't forget the other podcast network I'm on All Things Comedy. A great podcast network that features many other

great comedians, Jake Johansson, Bill Burr, to name a few. We all have podcasts on there. You can also find out what's going on in the stand-up and comedy. community and if you want to write to me if you have anything you want to talk about you can write to me at harlund williams.com don't forget we have the harlan williams twitter page at harland williams we have the official harlan williams facebook site you can join on there who i'm running out of breath and uh early in the new year i will be posting my new stand-up comedy gig dates so uh new cities new towns i will be visiting in the new year great stuff and uh looking forward to doing it all again in 2013 so uh i'm gonna get out of here i'm gonna bail

i got to go pick up a bunch of gift cards spread those around like uh sweet and sour garlic butter and uh and i'll leave it right there thanks for being here folks. We will catch you next time. Don't forget our next podcast. We will be going to the Harland Highway Santa Claus Parade with our commentators John and John. It's always a yearly treat and we're going to be seeing some wonderful floats and all that kind of stuff. So our next podcast, we will be at the Harland Highway Christmas Parade. Please join us. And that's it. Until next time, my friends.

Chicken. Chowman, baby? Oh, I admit I don't know too much about modern time. Have a really nice day today, folks. You deserve it.