The Harland Highway - 458 Harland meets PAMELA ANDERSON, again! McRib is back!

Episode Date: December 24, 2012

Harland talks about his recent meeting with superstar Pamela Anderson, the McRib sandwich is back yuuuck, Harland sings you a Christmas song, and the question of the day. Flap it and grind it!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Check the halls with boughs of Batman. Hello, Batman. Jingle bells, jingle bells, Batman. All right, really bad impression. It's Christmas Eve. It's the day before Christmas, and we are going to be talking about some Christmassy things. I'm even going to sing you a Christmas carol later in the show.

Yeah, me, with my own vocals, singing you your personalized Christmas carol. How about that? We're going to be talking about the McRibb sandwich. I mean, what else could be more festive than the rib sandwich? And also a beautiful Christmas present to me, by the way, you're going to like this. I worked with Pamela Anderson this week. Yeah, the actress, the beautiful sex symbol.

I'm working on a new sitcom, and she was the special guest star this week. And boy, what a fun time. wonderful woman. What a wonderful experience. I'm going to tell you about my experience with her this week. And the first time I met her about seven years ago, it's kind of fun how it all went down. Also, we will have the Harland Highway question of the day, you know, to expand your mind and probe your inner thoughts. And it's just going to be goofy and fun. So here we go. Pick your nose. Make sure it's clean for the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Rout Spin and I'm your friend

Riding down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy Mm, indeed. And Merry Christmas to me. Boy, oh, boy, I'm almost dreading, telling you this story to you guys. Most of you guys, most of you guys with any sense in your head. And maybe a lot of you girls, but what a Christmas present I've had, even though we're still like a day away. As many of you know I've been working on this new sitcom We've been shooting this new sitcom

Called Package Deal Right up to the edge of the holidays And the episode we shot this week We had a guest star We had a very special guest star And guess who it was Merry Christmas to me Deck the Halls with Bows of Baywatch

Pamela Anderson was the guest star. Holy God! Guys, are you jelly? Well, in two ways, are you jelly? Are you jelly in the knees? Just hearing her name. And are you jelly, as in that short for jealous?

I'm jealous just hearing about that I did it. I'm jealous of myself. What a treat. What a wonderful, what a wonderful, charming, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, uh, fun lady. Um, there may be people out there that roll their eyes. Oh yeah, the playboy model. Well, tell you what, she's, she's a very, uh, beautiful woman. Uh, obviously she, she, uh, has the quintessential sex kitten looks like that's a problem. Um, but that's what she was born with. And, uh, you know, you can't, uh, you can't surgically implant the color of your eyes and

the shape of your pupils and your voice and many things. Now, I don't know if she's had any work done. I couldn't tell you. But I think, well, let's be obvious about it. Her chest, I think she's had done. But the rest of her, who knows? But standing there with her, working with her, acting with her, talking with her, laughing with her,

wonderful, wonderful, wonderful girl, woman. Sex kitten, actress, and just a treat. And to be honest, I'd met Pam before. I'd met Pam about seven years ago in Los Angeles. I was out hanging out at a hotel one night. I was at the Chateau Mar-Mau, a famous hotel on the Sunset Strip. This is the hotel where John Belushi killed himself. Odeed on heroin.

This is the hotel where Jim Morrison from the doors walked out on the ledge. And now, yes, the third legendary happening at the Chateau Marmar, Harland Williams meets Pamela Anderson. And it was an interesting evening at the Chateau Marmont. I was there with a couple of business associates having a meeting, and Pam Anderson was over there hanging out with some friends, having maybe a glass of wine or two. And for those of you that don't know it, Pam's a Canadian girl.

And so I'm sitting with my friends. We're there. She's there. And I walked over and said hi to her. I said, hey, Pam, just wanted to say hi, one Canadian to another. I think you're great. Blah, blah, blah. She was very receptive.

She smiled. She was happy. We chatted. And then I went back to hang out with my. my boys and a few minutes later she came over and started chatting to me a little bit and was like blah blah blah blah blah blah she goes well we love you in that movie superstar or I played kind of a biker biker dude on a motorcycle and I was like oh cool you know so then she went back to her group she was sitting there with Courtney Love and a few other folks and then a little later

on she came over again or she waved me over somehow she got my attention and I was chatting to her again for a minute and I thought wait a minute that's twice that's twice she's kind of called me over what's going on here am I should I be reading into this should I Harley Williams be reading into this at all and I thought you know what I'm you know opportunity maybe only knocks once and I'll be honest I've been a huge fan of Pam since the second I saw her. Okay, she's the type of sexy lady that I think every guy feels a little bit of the butterflies or something inside. And so, you know what I did? I was like, you know what, I'm going to write down my phone number. I'm going to write it down on a piece of paper, and if she calls me over a third time, I'm going to slip it to her. I'm going to slip her my phone

number and see if she wants to go out on a date. I'm like, what the hell? Hell do I have to lose. So sure enough, a little time goes by. She calls me over again. She goes, hey, come on over. I want you to meet Courtney Love. I want you to meet my friends, blah, blah, blah. So I say hi to them all.

And then we kind of go off and we're standing there side by side talking. And I'm like, this is it, man. This is my Pam Anderson moment. I'm asking one of the hottest sex kittens on the planet, and a very nice person, by the way. I'm asking her out. I'm slipping her my number. So this is no word of a lie.

I put my hand in my pocket. I had my hand on the little piece of paper. I was just about to hand it to her, and all of a sudden I hear her say, Hi, Tommy! And she's looking over my shoulder. I turn around, here comes Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee from Motley Crew comes rolling in.

All dirty-looking with the Maddie. hair and the tats and the stinky t-shirt and this was after they'd been through their divorce and all their anger and their public floggings and i guess they'd decided you know they had kids together they're going to be friends and who knows you know with those romances how many times did she get back with tommy how many times did she get back with kid rock so all of a sudden they're hugging on each other it's like a big reunion and And here's me standing here with my hand on my phone number in my pocket. And I just gave it up.

I was like, oh, man, there we go. And she actually introduced me because I wasn't to meet Tommy. And I met Tommy. And I was like, ah, it just got soiled somehow. Her ex-husbands here, her lover, the guy that was in all those movies with her, who did the porno movie with her. The moment was lost. so sad

And so I slowly felt the little crumpled up piece of paper with my phone number on it To come out of my fingers And I pulled my hand out of my pocket And I slinked back to my friends, my guy friends And when there it goes, what are the odds I'm ever hanging around with Pamela Anderson again? Well, hello, hello fickle finger of fate here I am sitcom guy

and who's my guest star this week Pam Anderson and so I walked up to her and I was talking with her and I said do you remember where we met Pam and she goes I know we've met I don't know where I've been trying to think about it

because keep in mind this happened about I'm going to say like six seven years ago obviously burned into my mind she'd forgotten about She goes, I know it somewhere. She goes, I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to get it wrong. And I said, we met at the Chateau Marmont. And you were there with Courtney Love.

And as soon as she heard Courtney Love, she goes, oh, well, if I was with that crew, that must have been a wild night. I said, yeah, it was a wild night all right. And I was referring to, you know, my botched pickup moment. And she goes, oh, yeah, that was a wild night. She was referring to her flaked-out friend, probably Courtney Love. Who knows where that one led? And Tommy Lee, I don't know where the night led to. I slunk back to my guy friends.

My tail between my legs, whipped. So here I am again. It's years later. I'm on the set with Pamela Lee. We're doing a scene together. We're laughing. We're talking. And we have this scene where we have to lock.

eyes. It's a scene where I'm at a party and we see each other across the room and we get drawn into each other and we lock eyes and we're holding hands. And the scene calls for me to go from staring in her eyes to looking down at her chest. And it's a funny moment. And it's just great. You know, what can I say? I'm not going to try and give her my number this time or am i i don't know maybe maybe i did maybe that's another story i'm not telling who knows um but uh charming woman a beautiful smile beautiful white teeth i got to tell you man i don't know guys if you've ever met a woman whose eyes kind of burn and penetrate she's got this these crystal blue eyes Like, you ever see a lake in the mountains with that crystal blue water?

That beautiful crystal blue water where you go, that can't even be real. That looks like water from a fjord in Norway or something, you know? Like, it's the kind of place the Loch Ness monster would take a shower. So Pam's got these beautiful, striking blue eyes, and then she's got the blackest somehow, and this is going to sound weird. but her irises her black irises are just they're the perfect size or they're the perfect placement i don't know what it is and the shape of her eyes and the whites of her eyes there's something there she's got incredible magnificent eyes and i know you've all seen them in magazines and photos

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Beautiful eyes, beautiful skin, beautiful lips, beautiful white, beautiful teeth that are, her real teeth that looks like. And I got to tell you, I really like her voice.

She's got kind of a sexy, playful, you know, girly, girly, womanly voice, you know. It just seems to be just the right pitch and the right inflection where it's playful and she's got a bubbly personality. She's quick to the giggle, quick to the laugh, and it just seems very personable and light. And, you know, let's be real, I've never seen her on a back. bad day. I've never been on the, I've never been on the bad end of the Pam Anderson stick. Let's face it, every man, every woman has their, has their sour side. But fortunately for me, I'm on set, so I just get to see all the, all the good stuff,

the well-behaved, fun, perky, Pam Anderson. And she is, she's wonderful. She, she, without being pervy or being dirty, this, this is a clean state. guys. The woman exudes sexuality. And again, it's not in a creepy, greasy way. It's just something that comes off of her. She's very sexy and playful and, you know, she's got a little bounce in her step and she's physically a good height and a good side. I mean, what can I say? All these wonderful physical attributes. And I'm not just referring. referring to the obvious ones. As I mentioned with her eyes, her irises, her corneas.

You know, I'm talking about small things, subtle things that are just as beautiful. And you wrap it up in that whole package. She seems like a real nice girl and not as ditsy as people like to make her out. I've got to tell you, she's quite articulate. She's quite quick. She can hold her own. she's smart? Is she a Pulitzer Prize winner? No, but are you? Am I? No. She's not an idiot, although people would try to portray her as that. So listen to me, ranting on, can you tell

him a little lovelorn? I'm a little shaken up. I'm a little, ooh, Pamela. Yeah, you know, one of the perks of being in show business, I guess. guess. I usually don't ramble on about celebrities that I meet. If I do meet one, I kind of make it quick and I'm out. But I thought I'd share with you my past encounter with Pam, much to my humiliation. Boo-hoo, loser. And my recent encounter years later, where I had the good fortune to work with her and um you know you'll get to see her uh when this sitcom comes out called package deal and uh i think i'll uh i'll just end here get out on a high note pamela anderson wonderful uh person canadian sex kitten human being and uh i'm gonna go have a cold shower

Okay, enough about Pamela Anderson. Let's talk about meat. Hmm? What? No, let's... No, I don't think like that. Let's talk about... I'm talking...

Well, maybe it's not meat. Maybe that's why we need to talk about it. Guess what, the McRib is back, boys and girls. And, you know, I thought I'd, you know, since some people seem to dig the old, you know, McDonald's McRibbs sandwich, I think we should, you know, talk about some important things about the McRibb,

some important facts. Here's a fact, number one. The inventor of the chicken McNugget explains that the McNugget was so popular when it was first introduced in 1979 that demand quickly outstripped chicken supply. Can you imagine, folks? Anyone got any chicken? No, there's no more chickens in the United States of America.

Hmm. Oh, well. Can you give me a turkey? So, from the lack of chickens, the legendary pork sandwich was developed out of necessity. So they had to create this thing to fill the void of the lack of McNuggets. The McRib was inspired by Southern Barbecue. Who hasn't had a big rack of ribs off the grill? We all have. But let's talk about, as I said, is it meat?

Well, this is where it gets a little startling, boys and girls. And I don't know if I like this, but, you know, they developed the McRib, and they call it a restructured meat product. Okay, right away, doesn't that make you, did you feel your stomach turn a little bit? I mean, you don't see that at a fancy steak. Yes, we have the two-bone steaks. We have the filet mignon.

We have the prime rib-eye, and yes, we also have the restructured meat product. So let's talk about what's in the McRib. Okay, this restructured meat product contains a mixture of tripe. Okay, ew, I think that's the, I think tripe's the, like the inner lining of a cow's stomach or tongue or something. It's got heart, cow heart or pork heart or whatever it is, and scalded stomach. Good Lord, I don't want to eat a stomach, let alone a scalded stomach. What the hell's that mean? Would the pig drink a hot chocolate or a coffee too soon?

And then all this, the tripe, the heart, and the scalded stomach is mixed with salt and water to exact proteins from the muscle. The proteins bind all the pork trimmings together so that it can be remolded into any specific shape. In this case, a fake slab of ribs. So what you're saying is my meat sandwich could have been shaped to be a shoe. It could have been shaped into a hockey puck.

Could have been shaped into a remote control. Could have been shaped into a hot. Hat? Could have been a condom? Well, I guess a ribbed condom. Ugh. Um, and then, uh, there's where it gets a little, uh, a little creepier still. Let's go on to the next fact. The entire McRib sandwich contains about 70 ingredients, including a flower bleaching agent used in yoga mats. How many of you do yoga out there? and you put your mat out. Well, guess what?

Yoga makes you hungry. Next time you go and do some yoga, besides putting out your little bottled water, put out a bottle of barbecue sauce. And you go to it halfway through your little yoga routine, slather up your yoga mat, and eat it. Ugh. So here's how it appears out of the box.

Okay, when you buy to McDonald's, The McRid sandwich consists of five basic components. A pork patty, barbecue sauce, pickle slices, onions, and a sesame bun. Okay? But remember, I said 70 ingredients. And some of these include azabicamardamide, which is a flour bleaching agent used in the production of foamed plastics. The sandwich packs a whopping 500 calories, 26 grams of fat,

44 grams of carbs, and 980 milligrams of sodium. I don't need to just go pick up your salt shaker and suck on that for half an hour while you're watching the news. Yikes! What else can I tell you here? that is scary. I guess the last thing I can tell you is that McDonald's purposely keeps the McRibbs scarce

because the sandwiches brand relies on it. So it's not something that's consistently on the menu. It's something that they kind of bring in and out to tease you with. And they can hype it up every few. a few times every year. Hey, this one's back. It's the McRib, baby.

Come and get it. And if we're all sold out, $3 for a yoga mat. One cheeseburger with everything coming out. The Harland Highway. Question of the day. Okay, the question of the day, you know, it should be Christmasy

because, you know, we're right here. We're right at the precipice of Quithmet. And the question of the day is, do Christmas trees still drink when you put them in the Christmas tree holder? I mean, think about it. You've cut their root system off, okay? You've pretty much, it's like if they were human, it's like cutting their legs off and telling them to go run a marathon. So a tree's root system is underground to capture the groundwater. and basically the tentacles of the root system are like drinking straws.

They absorb nutrients. They absorb water. And here we go. We basically chop the legs off a Christmas tree. We shove it in a Christmas tree stand. We fill it with water. And we're like, this little tree is going to stay healthy and drink and stay alive forever. All through Jesus' birthday.

So the question of the day is, do Christmas trees really drink water when they're in the Christmas tree stand? Are they still functioning? Can they absorb with their legs cut off, their roots cut off? It's kind of a sad thing to think about right now as your Christmas tree is probably sitting in the corner, twinkling and shining, staring at you. but it's a question that has to be asked because it is The Harland Highway Question of the Day Okay there it is the question of the day

And I guess that brings us to the end of our show We are on Christmas Eve right here And you know what I thought it might be nice If I serenaded you We ended up tonight with a little Christmas Carol an original Christmas carol that I composed and I sing all myself just for my fans, just for the pavement pounders, just for you folks listening wherever you are. So gather around the tree, hold hands, put your toaks on, put your Christmas slippers on,

and let's close it out with a Christmas carol from me to you. Hey everybody, this is Harlan Williams from the Highland Highway. And I want to wish each and every one of you a very merry Christmas with this very special Harland Highway Christmas song. Hey, everybody, it's Christmas time again. Snowflakes are fall. and everybody's caroling it's christmas time hold hands and sing alone it's christmas time it's time for gingerbread gingerbread gingerbread And cinnamon, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love Christmas cinnamon.

I'm singing about gingerbread, not a cinnamon. Well, I'm talking about cinnamon, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Christmas cinnamon, Christmas cinnamon, Christmas gingerbread. Cinnamon, cinnamon, gingerbread, cinnamon. Gingerbread Get the hell out of here, you idiot I'm yours! Have a Merry Christmas, everybody,

and a very happy New Year, too. And we'll catch you next year on the Harlan Highway. Merry Christmas for me to you. and joyous holiday Oh, there you go. Cinnamon boy getting in on the action of the last second for Christmas. Should have known.

I want gingerbread. He wants cinnamon. But seriously, have a great holiday. Don't forget to check out harlornwilliams.com. Join the Twitter page at Harlan Williams. Join our Facebook page. uh, Harlan Williams official Facebook page where you can see a lot of postings.

There's clips and pictures from my new comedy special available on iTunes. On January 15th, my new special called Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature, where I literally am standing out in the middle of nature doing a comedy special. It's never been done before. It's a unique, brand new. I'm hoping it turns the, uh,

stand-up comedy world on its, ass a little bit because personally I think it's been getting stale. So check that out. And don't forget, you can get my app, the Harland app, at Harlandapp.com. All kinds of crazy ringtones you can download and other fun things, including Cinnamon Boy. How would you like Cinnamon Boy as your ringtone? You'd probably lose a lot of friends real quick, but at least hopefully it would make you

smile. So there it is, harlandapp.com. It's a free app with lots of downloads. And don't forget to, you can write me at harlanwilums.com and all that stuff. So there you go, folks. We're wrapping it up. Be safe, be happy. Happy holidays.

Merry Christmas. And hopefully under the tree, there's a great big bowl of chicken. Chau-Maine. Baby? Man, this is Wanda Sykes. You're listening to Haarling Highway, yeah. What's up?