The Harland Highway - 459: HAPPY NEW YEAR SHOW. DR. ASCOT, PREDICTIONS

Episode Date: January 3, 2013

The 1st show of the year, with new years predictions, a visit with DR. ASCOT, rock group ABBA, and the question of the day. Old slang Zine my friends!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

ding dong the witch is dead the wicket no wait wait it's new year's ding dong ding dong ding dong happy new year there that's better i started off with the killing of a witch hey happy new year everybody it's 2013 this is our first podcast of the new year uh and we are going to be talking about the new year that's what we're going to be doing we're going to be talking about 2013. Is it going to be good? Are we going to have fun? Is it going to be scary?

There might be a supernatural bent or bend to this new year. I'm going to talk about that. I'm a little freaked out. We're going to be talking about my upcoming events in the new year. Some very exciting fun comedy events. We're going to be making some predictions, some incredible New Year predictions, things that are probably going to happen this year. I'm like a clairvoyant.

We're going to be talking about Abba, of all things. You'll see. You'll see. We're going to have an Abba talk, the musical group Abba. And then unfortunately, on a downer note, I have to visit with Dr. Ascot on the very first show of this new year. But I'm not going to let that get me down. I hope, because this is our New Year's show.

Happy New Year. on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here,

doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway

With Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Happy New Year, Happy New Year, we all have a vision now and then on the world where every neighbor is of praise. Happy New Year, Happy New Year, may we all.

And our homes are weird to try. If we don't, we might as well lay down and die. You and I. Yeah, might as well lay down and die if the year doesn't work out for us. Wow, well, happy New Year, everybody. Hello! It's 2013. Happy New Year.

Bringing it in with some ABBA. That's ABBA, spelled the same way backwards, by the way. Abba backwards as ABA. Wow, genius. Have you ever seen ABA? Have you ever physically seen ABBA? If you haven't seen ABBA, I know we've all heard ABBA. But if you've never physically seen ABBA,

I want you to go on to YouTube, man. Go on to YouTube and check out any video of ABBA. And tell me if they don't look like, I don't know if you've ever seen old porn, like from the 70s or even the early 80s. If you've ever seen old porno, check out an ABBA video, man. It's this weird Swedish couple, two weird normal lo. looking guys. They look middle-aged with

beards and they wear polyester suits. And the women look like kind of, like one of them's a hot blonde with blue eyes. She looks like a housewife, porn star. And the other one's like a brunette. And

she's kind of semi-hot. But I'm telling you, man, they look like a swingers couple. Every video you watch, you're like, okay, when do they start having like an like the way they're dressed, the way they look, their hairstyles, the clothes they're wearing, the quality of the film, the greatness of the film.

I'm telling you, I didn't watch a lot of porn in the 70s. I was a kid, for God's sakes. But if you've ever seen an old porn movie, check out an Abba Rock video, and you're just sitting there going, okay, I get it. So this is a porn movie, and I get the scenario that they're singing, they're standing around a piano, and any second now they're going to stop and rip their clothes off and have like a four-way Swedish orgy. It's hilarious. In fact, here's what I want you to do.

Look at an old porn movie from the 70s, if you can find one on the Internet, and then look at the ab of rock video and compare the two, and you'll be like, wait a minute. these characters are one and the same i'm wondering if maybe abba didn't start out as like porn actors right i mean you've got to see these nuts it's hilarious and they're these huge star i mean these aba has trillions and billions of dollars these guys have these guys have written hits that have the lasted generations on any given day you'll hear aba if you scan through the radio And now I'm wondering if on any given day you scroll through a porn channel, you'll see them going at it. Singing and dancing and it's hilarious.

But anyways, happy New Year, everybody. One and all, whoever's listening, the pavement pounders, the occasional listener, the dedicated listener, whoever you are, man, child, woman, or beast. Happy New Year. I'm going to be awesome. I'm a little bit concerned because it's 2013. And you know how superstitious we are. We don't like the number 13. And I'm a little on edge about 13.

And I'll tell you a funny story. Yesterday was the first day of the year. And I had to fly. Okay, I had to fly on the first day of the year, January 1st, okay? I had to fly from one city to another five-hour flight. I'm like, all right, here I go. My flight's at 6 p.m. I get to the airport.

Seven-hour delay on day one of 2013. They're like, oh, it's going to leave at 8 o'clock. Then I was like, oh, it's going to leave at 9.45. Oh, it's going to leave at 11. We left at almost 1 in the morning. Oh, people were pissed. And I'm like, come on, not on the 5. first day of the year. Nottie, it's not even halfway through the first day of the year.

Oh, man, really? And I'm like, wait a minute, 2013. This better, better not be a trend, man. So I'm hoping this 13 thing ain't nothing, okay? But what I do want to do right out of the gate is, you know, it's 2013, here we go. I got to make some New Year's predictions. So give me a little New Year's predictions music here. And here we go. The Harland Highway New Year's predictions. I'll run them down throughout the show. But let's kick it off with just a few here.

Okay, here's the first one. With no end in sight to the hockey strike, Disney on Ice becomes the new NHL. People can't get enough of the cute hockey characters and the brutal hockey fights between Shrek and Cinderella and the Seven Dors and Buzzlight Year and Mickey and Goofy and all those idiots. Just skating around, hammering each other. Punch. Drop the gloves, they're goofy.

I want to go at it. Yeah, for all you hockey fans. All right, what else do we got? What other incredible New Year's predictions do I have? How about this one? This one, I think, is very practical. And let's hope it comes true. How about this?

The Middle East, okay? I'm talking Afghanistan, Syria, Israel, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Lebanon, all of them. They all put their names together in a hat, okay? We shake the letters up. We pull the letters out and we rename the region. Here it is. Here's the name of the new region. Can you please just stop with all your kids?

crap, put your differences aside, get your shit together, and live in the modern world with the rest of us. Open a cheesecake factory for Christ's sake. And that's the name of the whole region. Yeah, it's not called the Middle East anymore. That's the new name. I think that's a good one. Oh, here's one. I don't know if you're environmentalists or nature lovers, but this one's important. This is a great prediction that I hope comes true. With thousands of giraffes being decapitated year after year, there will finally be a global ban on ceiling fans. Okay? Poor giraffes. I mean, it's getting where a draft can't even walk into a hotel lobby anymore without getting his head cut off. I mean, really, ceiling fans? Please.

and then here's one more before we move on to something else and then I'll come back with some more. How about this? Large disc-shaped UFOs will fly down, hover over Seattle, and use the Seattle Space Needle as an actual needle, and the UFO-shaped disks will scratch. We'll use the needle to scratch. Whizzer, whizzer, whizzie, whee, whizzer, whizzer, whizzer, whiz. Take me to your chocolate, earthling. Right?

All right, so there you go. There's some of my New Year's predictions. We'll do some more later on in the show. All right, let's talk some comedy here, right? That's what I do. Comedy. Questionable at time. but I got to let you know it's an exciting new year

and I'm going to be touring all over the United States and my comedy schedule has just been posted on my website harlan williams.com go to harlainwiliams.com click on the stand-up tab and the schedule will drop down and you're going to see I'm all over the place I'm in Pittsburgh, I'm in Dallas, I'm in Fort Lauderdale, I'm in Tampa, I'm in Knoxville, I'm in Kansas City. I mean, I'm all over the country, man. Okay, I'm in Denver. I'm taking the whole country by storm, baby.

So we're just getting started. We got the beginnings of the year's schedule up there. So check it out, check and see if I'm going to be coming to your city or town. That's Harlan Williams.com. Check on my stand-up comedy schedule, and hopefully I'm coming to your city or town sometime soon. And also very exciting in just a few short weeks, January 15th, my new stand-up comedy special, Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature, the special where I said no to a traditional theater setting for a comedy special. I said no to a live audience. I said no to darkness. My special, ladies and gentlemen,

is shot in the middle of the Mojave Desert on top of a giant hill under the scorching sun with no crowd. There's tortoises, there's wild dogs, there's crows, there's predator drones. Wait do you see this special. It's just me. broadcasting my comedy, my stand-up comedy,

out to the whole planet. I decided I didn't want walls or ceilings or roofs or windows. No restrictions. I am at the mountaintop like Martin Luther King. And my message is going out across the land to everybody. No one shall be denied Harland Williams' stand-up comedy. So check it out. It's going to be on iTunes as a download.

January 15th, Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature. Please check it out. Please have your friends check it out. Download this beauch because it's not just a stand-up comedy special, folks. I have a little agenda. Okay, I see stand-up comedy as a form of entertainment,

but also an art form. And I feel like it's been stagnating for many decades because every special ever shot is in a musty old dark theater. Cut to the comedian, cut to the crowd, cut to the comedian, cut to the crowd. It's redundant. It's repetitive. It's boring. No offense to my fellow comedians.

I love their work. I love their material. But the forum has become stale to me. And as a guy who likes to push the envelope, who likes to institute change, I decided to against a lot of people's better wishes say screw it I'm shaking it up I want to do my stand-up special here

I want to push this medium I want to inspire others to maybe think about going outside of the box now is it good or bad I don't know I feel like it's great I've watched it I worked on it

I'm very happy and excited but that doesn't mean bunk. It's up to the folks to decide if they like it. But I think when you're pushing entertainment, when you're pushing artistry, you can't sit around and calculate, well, what will the folks like? What do the folks want? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy.

They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, better sex is just a click away. That's 50% off. One item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom.

Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, code Harland. Have fun.

Don't throw your back out. You have to follow your inner voice. You've got to follow your inspiration. And you've got to go to the mountaintop. You've got to go to the mountain top. And so I went, man. And you've got to get this special. You've got to download this special at iTunes.

Harlan Williams, a force of nature. I'm very proud of it. I hope you like it. If you feel inspired, if you want to see a special that really is a little different or a lot different, please check it out. And I hope you get excited about it as I am and you enjoy it. And I'm already planning my next one, which is going to be out of the box as well. But for now, January 15th, Harlan Williams, a force of nature.

Available at iTunes. And that leads me right into, I believe, the Harlan Highway question of the day. The Harlan Highway Question of the Day. Okay, it's cold season, it's flu season. Why does the human body produce mucus? Okay, I know it's uncomfortable, it's gross. But seriously, okay, so we get sick, we get draft. We get feverish. We cough.

What's with the Flem Festival, man? It's like we're miserable enough, and your body goes, you know what? He's looking rather deflated and sick. He looks a little pierced. Why don't we whip up a nice green pudding and drop it into his sinuses and his lungs and his throat and his mouth? Just a gooey, rich stick. green pudding, a very rich consistency,

so that it'll clog his breathing and fill his trachea, and he can cough it up and spit it up and blow it out his nose. No real use for it, it's up to irritate you. I mean, seriously, you ever get really sick? You get that gross, fluy cold, and, I don't even like to talk about it, man, but it's like, it's like the consistency of a McDonald's milkshake. Except it's warm and slimy and wet and gooey. And the colors, I mean, it goes from a pale yellow to a key lime green.

How many of you have turned off a key lime pie after a big green? lob comes out of your nose. You cough it up. You know, when you're sick, you cough, and you just, oh, I got a cough. And I was like, oh, like something appears in the back of your throat. You're like, what the hell is that? Is that a jello pudding pop? And you spit it out.

Oh, it's just a little flam. And then you spit it out, and it's like you're waiting for the nuclear radiation warnings to go up. E, e, e, e, e. it's like a glow green glowing blob or a bright yellow looks like a seagull turd it looks radioactive and you just no matter where you spit it you can't flush it or drain it away fast enough beware of the blob it creeps and leaps and glides and slides across the door and all around the wall a splotch a blotch be careful of the blob And you think no matter where you put it, it's going to, like, crawl back out?

The blob. The blob. The blob. Ah, the blob. It's like that movie, The Blob. It's been living inside you. So there you go. That's my question of the day.

Why the hell do we need mucus? Highway question of the day all right good question good question no real answer maybe you guys know what the hell mucus is 323 739 43330 is the number and uh you know maybe uh maybe you know what the heck it is uh but let's get back to some new year's predictions here we go come on give me that music that's it uh let's get back here we go here's a new year's prediction i'm gonna make burger king will introduce a sandwich called the baby big wig all right it will be made with two meat patties that are 10% beef and 90% baby hair yeah the babies will be grown organically right out of the ground anybody here have an ipad well

the newest iPad, the iPad 6, the new iPad 6 will become microwave safe and can be used as a cookie sheet to bake delicious chocolate chip or festive ginger snap cookies or oatmeal raisin or whatever. I mean, can you imagine eating a delicious homemade cookie off of an iPad? You're like, hmm, is that a hint of, is that a hint of YouTube? been there? Is this smack of Google to you? Here's one that involves the economy.

This is a New Year's prediction. As the price to heat your homes increases, okay, people will turn to street vendors who sell pink insulation on a stick. You know that pink insulation you put up in your attic? They're going to sell that on a stick. homeowners will eat it like cotton candy or candy floss and stay warm from the inside. That's a great prediction, folks.

That's a practical money-saving prediction. Oh, here's a great prediction. I love this one. People who talk loudly on their cell phones in public will be dropped into a deep hole in the ground, filled with poisonous lizards and jellyfish. And thankfully, none of them, not a single damn one of them, will ever be seen again. I think we're all in agreement on that New Year's resolution. And let's do one more before we move on.

How about this? Oh, this will be sweet, this one. The cast from the reality show, Deadliest Catch. You know these morons that go out in the ocean and pull up crabs? The cast from the deadliest catch will release their own scent, their own cologne, and they'll call it salty balls. Salty balls. And their slogan for their cologne, salty balls will be for the man who wants to smell like crab shit chowder.

Salty ball. Yes. Yes, I'm getting rid of my old spice and buying salty balls. All right, so there you go. Those are our resolutions that we'll come back and just do a few more before the end of the show. But for now, let's keep moving on. What are we doing, Raj?

What's up now? Who? No, he's not. It's our first show of the year. Oh, for God's it. Dr. Ascot's here? Oh, God. God, I hate that guy.

Really? First show of the year, and we got Dr. Ascotts here. I know. I have to do it. The power's upstairs. I have to sit down with the shrink. Dr. Ascott and be psychoanalyzed so that I'm not a liability. I know. Send the idiot in. Send them in. Ah, here we go. God. Hello, Alland. Oh, boy. Here we go. New Year's, and I got to deal with you. Holland.

Well, come on. It's the first podcast of 2013, and I got to sit out with you, Dr. Ascot? Yes, Arland. Happy New Year, Allend. Oh, boy. And what is with the purple polka-dot socks, by the way? I got them for Christmas, Alland.

Oh, God. I'm just going to say this. You look like a child perv, dude. Holland. Well, seriously, you're a full-grown man. You're wearing purple socks with black polka dots? Holland, I got them from a client, Holland. Well, I don't care where you got them.

You look like a child perv. Holland. What are we doing today? Why are you here on my first day? I haven't seen you for a while, Holland. Okay. I was listening to the show, Arland, and I heard you say you thought 2013 would be unlucky, Arland. Well, I don't like it that the number 13 is in the year.

13's an unlucky number. You ever been on an elevator? Oh, yes, Arland. I've gone up. I've gone down. I've gone all around, Arland. Well, you don't go all around in an elevator. You go up and down. Oh, I've been all around. Did you just wink? Holland. You just said I've been all around and you winked at me?

Holland, you asked me if I've ever been in an elevator. Yeah, I said up and down and then you said all around. I've been up down and all around, Holland. You did it again? I just saw you wink. I have something in my eye. why is it every time after you say i've been all around you get something in your eye i'm not sure what are we doing here what's going on all and i want to help you dispel your superstition of the number

13 island okay how do we do that it's 2013 i've got a year of it well why don't we refer to this year has another year that's not quite as superstitious, Arland. What do you mean? Well, instead of calling it 2013, we'll call it another year. You want to rename this year, another year? Yes, Arland, why don't we call it 1961? 1961. Why the hell would you pick that year? Well, there's no 13 in it, is there, Holland?

Okay, you know what? Maybe that works. Maybe that works. I just address it as a different year. We cut out the word 13, and then I don't freak about it. I don't get all weird. Exactly, Holland. That's really the right mind space to be in Trip Dog. Excuse me? I think that's a really far out place to be. It's really cool. what are you saying I'm just talking jive turkey

what what is this lingo all and I'm just trying to keep the vibe real what are you doing I'm just chatting it up jive okay what's with the old references

give me the grouvalicious power jam mindbenders Okay, no, no, no, I see what you're doing. It's 61, and you think we've got to talk like 1961. That's right, blood clot. Now, why don't you get down with it, and try jiving with me and be cool, brother?

Okay, that sounds really, really dumb. Not only do you look like a child perv, now you sound like one. Hey, what's with the bad jive, power jam? What's with the bad vibe power jam? Did you just really say that? Hey, I'm just trying to trim up and keep it real. Peace, brother. Okay, stop it.

Stop. I don't want 1961. Hey, man, you're tripping bad. Step back and vibe, vibe, vibe. Trip back and vibe by, get out of here. Hey, man, no can do. I gotta trip out for a while play the turkey vibe

no one ever said trip out and play the turkey vibe not even in 61 you're making crap up get out I'm not scared of 2013 anymore I'm scared of you and your creepy socks like these socks is psychedelic man let's go down

to the crinkle crunch and get some crackle bread I'm not going down to the Crunk to get some crackle bread. Get the hell out, As Scott. No can do. I got to hang around until the man makes me swing it out with a cool ranch. You just set a salad dressing.

Get out. They didn't even have cool ranch in the 60s. Out! Idiot! God! Well, there's my second round of bad luck, 2013. First show back again, Dr. Ascott. just a creep bona fide creep

ew well let's go out on a high note shall we let's finish with some final predictions here some final new year's predictions how about this one how about this one here we go this this is an interesting one gay marriage will become so popular that straight people will forget how to make babies and the predominant species will once again become bobcats, manatees, and the North American elk. Wow.

Lord Tundran Jesus. Here's one. Tickle me Elmo will suffer a massive stroke during a laughing fit and aptly be renamed Tickle Me Mumbling Incoherent Vegetable. Hmm, it should be fun for the kids. And lastly, here's the last New Year's prediction. Everybody listening right now will take off all their clothes, grab the nearest people to them, and have a giant naked group hug. No, nobody's doing it.

On the count of three, three, two, one, go. No? All right, we're off to a rough start. Well, there you go, folks. There you go. That's our first show of the new year. Welcome to 2013. Hope you have a great one.

Let's go along and have another fun ride here. Another fun year of podcast mania. Don't forget, check my stand-up comedy special at Harlandwilliams.com. And jump on board. Check your town or city to make sure I'm near you. One of my first gigs of the year will be, right at the end of February. It's going to be in Florida at the Hard Rock Casino in St. Pete's, St. Petersburg.

The Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida there. Thursday, February 28th, right into March, to March 3rd. So check that out. And also the following weekend, I'll be in Dallas, Dallas, Texas at the Improv. Thursday, March. 7th to the 10th. And that's a great club. Come and check me out there.

And don't forget, folks, I'm going to say it again, because I really want you to get in on this, is my new stand-up comedy special, Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature. And that is going to be a download on iTunes. Please, I urge you to check it out. Check that Beotch out.

And that's it, man. for now. Happy New Year. Have a great one. And until next time, Chicken, Chalemayne, baby. year may we all have our homes are will to try if we don't we might as well lay down and die you and die That's some really groovy shit-jive turkey. Get out!