The Harland Highway - 461: Harland creates a new word. Senior Fuentes drops by!

Episode Date: January 10, 2013

Harland invents a brand new word, the question of the day, imposter web sites, Harland reviews the movie IMPOSSIBLE, and Senior Fuentes drops by for a visit. Black and blue shoe!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oompa, loompa, bloop. I've got a podcast that smells like poop. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. Hey, welcome, everybody. This is Harlem Williams. You are on the Harlan Highway. Welcome. Great to have you here. And what a show we have today. We're going to be talking about imposter sites, imposter Facebook sites, Twitter sites. There might be some new legislation in the air prohibiting that. I'm thinking, excited we're going to talk about that um i created a new word a new phrase i'm not going to tell you what it is um but i think i might be on to something with this new phrase you'll probably be able to relate um way to you hear what it is very proud of myself then we're going to have the harland highway question of the day um senor fuentes is dropping by i don't know why i don't want

him to drop by but he does he's my gardener he's an idiot um and then also i'm going to give a little movie review a little movie critique there's a great movie out right now that's flying a little bit under the radar i went to see it it blew me away i think you'll like it too so we're going to talk about that and uh all kinds of goofy things why do i say goofy because it's goofy that's what we do here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time.

It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. Hey, I think I might have come up with a new term. I'm not sure, but this might, you know, pertain to all of your lives. I've come up with this new term called Gaby, okay, gaybie.

It's like maybe, but it's gayby. And the way it works is how many of you out there have friends, okay, boys or girls, and you think that maybe they might be gay. So they're gayby, right? Gee, I think Jim's a, I think Jim's a gaybie, man. He grabbed my ass at the bar the other night He was kind of joking And we were talking about football and stuff

But his hand stayed there a little too long I think we might have a gay bee here What the hell's a gay bee? Well, it's maybe or you may be gay Oh Well, I'm not on full out Oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Um But do you have friends like that I think most of us do. Maybe if you live in the deep south and maybe everyone's kind of like shooting alligators and shit, you know? Maybe everyone in your family drives a tractor

and shoots an alligator for lunch? Damn, clam, it's lunchtime. Let's go shoot an alligator. Hell yeah, I'm hungry, man. But I'll be, I got a few buddies. I got a few buddies that are Gaby's. I think maybe they could be gay. It's like their mannerisms, things they say, things they do.

You're like, wait a minute. I don't have any straight buddies that would do that. I would never do that. That seems a little leaning towards gay right there. And just like you see things that are a pattern. You know, I think everyone has gaydar, right? so somebody coined the term gaydar and that means you you know you can tell if someone's gay but what if you're not sure so i'm coined in the term gayby he might be a gaybie maybe he's gay

and it's weird because you know if they're buddies and you're not sure if you're on the fence about it if you're if they're gaybies you can never approach them because if they're not That's the problem with maybe or gaybie. It's like in the middle. So if you ever call them out and say, dude, look, let's just call it what it is. Are you gay? What the hell's that mean, dude? Well, like your hands on my lap right now.

So I'm your buddy. I'm your straight buddy. You got a problem? Yeah, Gabie, I do. What'd you say? I said, maybe I do. I thought you said something else. Gaby, I did.

What? Nothing. um but uh so you just don't know you could never call them out because if you called them out and you were wrong about the gaybiness then they would resent you man you'd probably you'd probably like put a dent in that friendship it's like hey man harland thinks i'm gay man what the what the eff what'd i ever do that was gay he better be joking around man So you just got to leave them in the Gaby category, and it's one of those things that's like, okay, if that guy ever comes out, no surprise.

He was on my Gaby list. Okay, no kidding. I could never call him out, but yeah, I'm not surprised he's Dayton Bruce. But I'm not surprised they found him in Las Vegas with, you know, some car dealership dude. with a pine tree air freshener wrapped around his neck, duct taped in an alley. Yeah, I knew it. Gaby.

That guy's a Gaby, maybe, but now it's, yeah. No more Gaby. He's bona fide. He's been bona fide, if you know what I mean. Hello? So I don't know. That could be a new term. Maybe one day that's in the dictionary.

now listen someone else may have already said it i've never heard it so i'm saying it and it's not don't get all homophobia on me okay don't don't turn into a homophobe it's not it's not being homophobic to wonder if someone's a gay it's your serious it's a serious thing it's like you've got a buddy ed you've been buddies with them for 10 20 15 years whatever a lot of the mannerisms and you're always in the back of your head you've been like maybe he's a gay guy. And maybe he doesn't want to be a gay guy or maybe he doesn't want me or our circle of friends

to know he's a gay guy. It's a touchy issue, right? So it's not being homophobic to say someone's gay, it's a curiosity. You're like, I have my suspicions. And for whatever reason, maybe they are, maybe they aren't. If they are, they're not telling me. They have their reasons.

And if they are and they're not telling me, then I don't know. I'll just leave it there in the Gabyland. So there you go. New term, 2013. There you go. If you ever hear it, it came from me. Or maybe not.

I should probably go on the Internet and look, right? You know what? Let's do that right now. This is live. This is live. I'm going on Google right now as we sit here. Google, I'm going on the gagle. I'm going on the gagle to look for Gaby.

All right, G-A-Y-B-E. That's all I typed in Gaby in the Google search. Call me Gaby by Carly Raid Jepson. Okay. Somebody's done a... Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Shoot.

Hang on. Urban Dictionary. Gaby. Gaby. A fake athlete trader. And last but not least. male, likes to lie, impersonate, dress up like Bridget Bardot, participates daily and delusional thoughts of grandeur without merit, normally found near the schoolyard, playing grab-ass

with his life mate, stout woman. What the hell? What the... Here's another one. Gaby, what your sexual orientation officially is when you're not sure whether or not you're gay. Gay plus maybe equals Gabi Oh God, okay

So this whole segment was a waste Somebody's already coined it What a fool I am Here's another one, Gabi All right, well let's read these These are actually kind of fun And I apologize for Look at me getting a...

I invented a term Damn it Am I, is my face Is my face ran right now? Gaby Gaby, someone who is thought to be gay that everyone has their suspicions about but hasn't come out yet so no one really knows

Quotes, dude, Ronnie is such a gaybie I know, the only videos he had on his iPod are about trannies and gays Okay, wait, here's another meaning Hold on, number five, there's like a bunch of them here Gaby, when two gay lovers adopt a big, Baby. Gay plus baby equals Gay B. That's a whole

See? There's two meanings for Gaby. Or, wait, or can be used to offend someone. Gay one. Honey, let's adopt children. Gay two. But what about the dogs? Gay one. So what about the dogs? I really want a gay bee. Child one. Your dads are gay, right? Gaby, yeah. Child two. Ew, Gabey.

Wow. That just got weird. All right, here's another one. Gaby, an amazing fellow who is confused about his feelings for his best friends. Adam, I shall now call you Gaby because of your homosexual desire to sleep with Cain. Okay, anyone who has a friend named Cain is immediately not Gaby, just gay. And here's the last one. This is hilarious.

I stumbled on a whole. Gaby, a welcher. Someone with poor spelling and grammar skills, a braggart. That guy was such a gabie. First he made a bet, then he refused to pay up. What a gabie. So maybe there's a dictionary meaning. Okay, you know what?

Now I'm going into the dictionary. This has become like a labyrinth of gayness right here. Holy smokes. Okay, I'm still on the computer here. Now I'm going into the dictionary. Okay? Hang on. This is getting exciting.

This is taking me down avenues. I didn't even comprehend. Who knew that Gaby would be such a fiasco? Here we go. Gabi. In the dictionary. It says maybe. and Goobie.

G-Y-B-E. There's no G-Y-B-E. So let's see what G-Y-B-E means. G-Y-B-E. Change course by swinging a four and an aft sail across a following wind. Well, that sounds gay. Change course by swinging a four-and-a-half-sail across a following wind.

That's got to be a gay sex act, right? there. I mean, listen to that. I don't know how it's pronounced. Gyeb or Jive. I think it's Jive, but it's spelled GY, B, E. If you're in a gay club and you hear a guy go, let's change course by swinging a four and a half sail across the following wind. You know something's up. Okay? So there you go. Wow. Just a giant, embarrassing. here for me. You know, I've had people write to me on this show and go, Harlan, do some research before you open your big fat clam trap.

This is a glaring example. But I got to tell you, it was kind of fun not doing the research. Because look what it led to. I just opened up a whole big can of Gaby. Now, I'll have you something to drink, wine, a cocktail, espresso. No, I'm fine. Thank you. Let's make it to myself right back there with a little lemon twist.

It's good. Try it. No, I'm fine. I see you look at this piece. Yeah, I was wondering how much something like this went for? $130,000. Get the fuck out of here. No, I cannot.

It's serious because it's very important piece. Have you ever sold one of these? Say it yesterday to a collector. Get the fuck out of here. I'm serious. I said it myself. The Harland Highway. Question of the day.

Alright, here it is. Why do people in the middle? in the Middle East hate people in the West? Huh? Is it because that the name East is in their name? Like, we're the Middle East. We got East in our name, man. Okay? We can't like nobody in no West. We're East, man. We're East. I don't know. Is that is it a directional thing? Is it a latitude and longitudinal thing? People in the Middle East can't like people in the West? That ain't right.

What about people in the South? South America. People in South America love us, right? Yeah, people in South America love us. Have you ever been to Florida? Oh, those people will whip you up a key lime pie just for saying hello. Oh, people in South America love us in the West. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Wow. This just, my geography's not.

Good. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Oh, boy, this is good. This is good. There is a bill being drawn up that I like. This might go through Congress here. It's a bill that would ban posing as others online. It could become a crime punishable by prison time to create a Facebook or Twitter account in someone else's name if it is done without permission.

and for malicious reasons. Oh, I like this. You know what? I don't know if any of you have had that happen to you. I have, man. I actually had to call Facebook and Twitter to get imposter pages taken down. Someone thought it would be funny or interesting to pose as me,

and that's one of the, I guess that's one of the prices you pay when you live in the limelight, when you're a recognizable figure, you've done movies or TV or whatever. And it's weird. It's creepy. It's weird.

It's not cool. And it's confusing to people that do want to reach you. And who knows what the person, the imposter's doing? You know, who knows what they're saying. And people might interpret it as you. And it's wrong. It's crooked. It's akin to opening someone's mail or calling someone.

and doing a voice. It's just weird. So let's get into this a little bit. They're proposing legislation that would make it a felony to use another person's name without permission to create a web page intended to do harm, defraud, intimidate, or threaten. It would be a misdemeanor to send an email or text message that appears to come from another person and is intended to harm or defraud. I like this rule, man.

okay this is an important one it says this is an issue that's only going to get bigger the internet and this is a great point the internet has gone from being a novelty okay to having a position of credibility in our lives and it's appropriate to have statutes that address it specifically that's true man that is that is true you know the internet is kind of gone from this kind of free thing out there where people watch kooky videos and stuff and now it's an everyday part of our lives who doesn't go online every day

I think we all do if not multiple times in a day so this situation would involve individuals using Facebook and other websites in a way that caused harm stops people who don't want to be identified And it says, if you're going to impersonate someone and you're going to threaten harm or defraud them,

it should be against the law because of the ramifications to the individual being impersonated. Absolutely. And for those of you that are like, whatever, just take a moment and picture it. Imagine all of a sudden your friends are not, why aren't my friends writing me anymore? Where's all my friends? And then you kind of search around online and realize all your emails are going to an imposter site. All your friends are writing to you. Or people are sending out emails saying it's you.

But then there's the other side of the coin where there's worries about, you know, First Amendment rights. It says any time you try to make law or policy that implicates First Amendment rights, You have to be especially careful in the wording. Because I guess, you know, there's things where people can claim it's a parody. Okay? It's like, oh, yeah, I took Brad Pitt's name, and I made a site, and it's just a parody. And that's just a loophole to me. You know, it's like, you know, we don't need your parody.

Some nerd sitting in his basement in Ohio. I'm going to go online and I'm going to make a Brad Pitt impersonation sign. I'm going to send creepy letters and I'm going to have girls send me pictures of themselves and I'm going to do all kinds of stuff, but it's just a parody. I'm just a 14-year-old nerd having fun. Yeah, right. Nice try. That's a cheap little disguise using the old parody. you know is it any different than someone stealing your identity when they steal your credit

card how's that feel when someone steals your credit card and pretends they're you and they go out and buy a stereo and a new car and a speedboat how's that make you feel well is this any different someone goes online and pretends they're you and maybe they're not uh you know, exchanging any money or using your money, but they're still causing personal damage. They can be damaging your reputation. They can be sending damaging emails. And I don't care if they're on there selling prayers or telling jokes. I don't care if they're doodling happy faces. If it ain't you, you shouldn't be doing it. So I'm excited about this.

Not just for the celebrity world, but for everybody. That's a good deal right there. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and make my Jenny McCarthy site. No, I would never. I'm just kidding. I'm not going to talk about imposter sites. What? Oh, no.

No, Roger. I'm in the middle of a podcast. What is he doing here? Oh, God. What is he? Why? Why? Oh, God.

What are you doing here, Senor Fuentes? That's Senor Flente. I know who you are. Senor Fuente. I know you're my gardener. I am in the middle. You know what I do every day? Well, you're out picking.

weeds and planting bulbs. No, senor, can you tell me? I sit in here and I do a podcast, okay? It's a very important podcast. It goes out to the whole world. It delivers laughter. It brings mirth and merriment. It brings information.

Okay, if you say so, senor. Well, what's that mean? I'm just saying all I see is a microphone and some funny-looking steel boxes. Those are called computers, Fuentes, That's Senor Fuente. All right. Forget it.

What are you doing here? What do you want? I have a bit of an emergency at your house, Senor. So you came all the way down here. Ye see, we see, senor. We see, signor? That's like C, signor, but I doubled it up. What is the emergency, Fuentes?

That's Senor Fuentes. Stop it. Stop saying your name. I'm trying to. do a podcast. You said that already, senor. What do you want? Some men came to your house, Signore. What do you mean some men came to my house? Some men from the city, at least a dozen. A dozen men are at my house. See, senor, you know how there's a manhole on your driveway? Yes, there's a sewer cover at the end of my driveway. See, senor, this is not pretty. What do you mean it's not

pretty. They said that they want to go down in your manhole. Excuse me? Twelve men from the city, senor, said they want to climb in your manhole. Well, don't say it like that. It's a city manhole. It's not mine. Well, whose property is it on, senor? Well, it's on my property. Well, then doesn't that make it your manhole, senor? Well, technically, I guess. Well, that's what I'm saying, senor. Twelve men want to climb into your manhole. All right. Don't say it like that. Why not, signor? Because you're making it sound like a bunch of men.

Twelve big tall strapping men, senor. Big stalled strapping men. Yes. Want to? Yes. Climb. Yes. In my manhole.

That's right, signor. Oh, come on. You're taking a normal thing and you're making it, making it what, senor? All right, what do they want to do in my manhole? They want to walk around and touch the pipes and fix things. Apparently there's a leak in your manhole, senor. Oh, God, there's a leak in my manhole. There's stuff squirting everywhere,

and they want to go right up in your manhole and start touching everything. And they even want to take a wrench. Oh, God. They said it's very dangerous, Signore. Okay, well, I understand that. But don't worry, they said they're wearing protection when they go up in your manhole. Don't say they're wearing protection in my manhole. Well, that's what they told me, Signore.

So should I give them the go-ahead and let them crawl up your manhole? Stop saying it like that! It's the Department of Water and Power, and they're going into a sewer. That's what some people call it, but they called it a manhole, Signore. Oh, God. You know what? Get out of here. What's the matter, Signore? Just get out of here. You're not used to 12 men climbing in your dirty man.

Manhole! Get out of here! What an idiot! Unbelievable! I wonder if they should bring their lunches into your manhole. They might be up your manhole for a long time, Signore. I wonder if they should eat their lunches in your manhole. Get out! God!

What a moron! I do apologize, folks. Roger, stop letting that idiot in my studio. Why can't he meet me in the parking lot? Why does he always come barging in here? Anyway, speaking of leaks and water problems, let me give you a little movie review critique here. There's a movie out in theaters now called Impossible.

okay and anyone who has a family has to see this movie you're either going to find it uplifting and inspirational or horrific probably a bit of both but the impossible is a true story the movie is based on the true story events of a family that was vacationing right in the heart of tsunami country when that big tsunami hit a number of years ago. And this is a very graphic movie about the family's experience, from the moment they're vacationing to the moment the tsunami came crashing up the beach and decimated everything.

And it's just, it's a mind-blower, man. It is shot extremely well, extremely real. and if ever you wanted to imagine or visualize what being slammed and going through a tsunami was like, boy, this movie delivers. On one level, it's horrific to watch. You're squirming in your seat. I mean, the way they shot this movie, it's so real and terrifying. And what makes it so terrifying is that it's a real event.

I mean, this is something that could happen to any one of us. And I think what really brings it home is the fact that it was like a beautiful sunny day and people are just lounging by the pool and playing on the beach and then just like out of nowhere, boom. It's like the gate to hell opened up on these people. And so the first part of the movie chronicles their vacation, and then it shows the tsunami hitting. And then the rest of the movie deals with the after.

math, which is just as horrific, if not more horrific. And it deals with this family, this husband and wife and their three little boys all being separated because the power of the water just pushed them all in different directions. And it shows their struggles and it shows their injuries and it shows the bond of the human being. it shows the power and the bond of love and dedication and perseverance there's all kinds of human emotions and things happening in this movie

and it's very powerful it's really well done you know a movie on that scale when you're showing a tsunami wiping out a giant swath of geography it's like how real is it going to look this thing it looks real from from the devastation to the aftermath to the hospitals to the all the extra actors walking around this movie is put together really well and uh it is it is it is going to move

you if it doesn't make you cry it'll make you squirm in your seat and like i said if you have a family if you have children oh boy this one's really going to tear at your heartstrings uh So I'm just kind of giving it a review. I'm giving it a thumbs up. I'm recommending it. It's kind of one of these movies that's a little bit under the radar. You're not hearing a lot about it. And when I saw it, it was playing in just like a few select theaters.

But I'm telling you, if you want a strong, impactful movie based on real life, look for this movie, find it, and go and see it. bring a little Kleenex and check it out. I'm giving it a big thumbs up. So there you go. The impossible, or just impossible is what it's called. Naomi Watts, Ewan McGregor, and the kid actors, you know, sometimes you go, oh, there's kids in the movie.

I can't see that. The kid actors are phenomenal. Right across the board, the acting performances are incredible in this movie. So check it out if you have the wherewithal to do so. And while I'm on the Check It Out bandwagon, oh my God, folks, we are just, you know, less than a week away from my new stand-up comedy special coming out on iTunes. My new stand-up comedy special, Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature. It's my first stand-up special in probably four years.

I've been saving it up I've been working on all new material I've been planning this and scheming this and putting it together and you're like well what's the problem Harlan you just go to a theater and you shoot it well that's where it's different

okay I wanted to offer the world something different and as you've heard me talk about this is a special that I shot not in a theater I shot it in the middle of the desert on top of a giant hill in broad daylight with no audience.

And it's really kooky. If you want to hear a review, my last podcast I did, I read my first review, and I was very happy. I got a really nice review. And I hope you like it. So check it out. It's exclusively at iTunes. Please go and download it.

Share it with your friends. Tell your friends to download it. And I'm really pushing for this one to be a single. success so I can go on and do another one that's just as experimental, just as innovative. I'm super excited to push the boundaries of stand-up comedy. So check it out. Harlem Williams, A Force of Nature on iTunes on January 15th. Also, you can join the Harlem Parade on Twitter at Harlan Williams,

at Harlan Williams on Twitter, whatever it is. It's just my name. there's the official Harlow Williams Facebook page where you can correspond with other pavement pounders get on that Facebook page and share your thoughts and stories with your fellow listeners. Don't forget, you can also check me out on All Things Comedy.

That's the podcast hub that's at all things comedy.com where I am one of the featured podcasters amongst other great comedians on that network. That's all things comedy. Don't forget to go to harlidwilliams.com. My new stand-up comedy schedule is posted. You can check and see if I'm coming to your town or city anytime soon,

which will be great. And what else could I tell you? If you want to write me, if you have any thoughts or comments, insults, praise, stories. You can call me at 323-739-43330. That's 3-2-3-739-433. Or you can write me at Harlanw Williams.com. And when we do our listener mailbag or our listener phone calls, you might get on the podcast. So how about that? But that's it. That's all we got time for today. It was a tsunami of hilarity and fun. maybe just in my mind but hope you had a good time

thanks for being here happy new year once again and until next time chicken show me maybe no I cannot it's serious because it's very important