The Harland Highway - 462: A dog is choked by a man, Let's talk RESPECT.

Episode Date: January 14, 2013

A naked man chokes a dog, how do you show respect, the question of the day, who picks the eatery? Harland's new stand up special! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet mother of mercy. Yeah, that's right. Sweet mother, oh mercy, ladies and gurgled Erglins. Welcome to the podcast, the Harland Highway, the one and only highway that takes you into the deep, dark recesses of your own mind. Hello. Who picks the restaurant when you go out to eat? Is it you or your friends or your family?

And when you do go to their restaurant, is it a pleasant experience? happy or is it like oh god why did i let them pick the place to eat we're going to talk about that it's a delicate topic there are feelings at stake when this happens um the harland highway question of the day it's a good one today man it involves wd 40 and how about this story this is not a naked a guy attacks a Rottweiler and gets shot. Wait, do you hear this news story? This is real. It's crazy.

And then we're going to touch a little bit on gun control again and respect. We're going to be talking about how much do you respect your friends or people that you disagree with? It's an important topic. And lastly, my new special comes out tomorrow. I'm going to talk about it. I'm so excited. Here we go. It's the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right. Let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brad? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.

Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes.

Kaboom goes the dynamite. And speaking of Kaboom, let's start this podcast off with a kabum. I got a wicked crazy story for you here. This one, this one's nuts. I mean, what the hell's going on in society when this happens? Check it out. Here's the story in the news. A naked intruder who is trying to choke a pet Rottweiler

was shot by a homeowner in Miami. What? Okay, first of all, you got a guy breaking into your house. He's naked. Okay, that's trouble. You got a naked. dude breaking into your house I smell trouble you got a naked dude breaking into your house and he's gonna choke a full-grown Rottweiler one of the most intimidating scary dogs

on the market you got all your your your your goodies hanging out between your legs and you walk up to a Rottweiler you know what man I'm naked I feel like choking me a Rottweiler Guy walks up nude to a rock. How do you start choking a Rottweiler? The bizarre incident happened around 5 a.m. When the occupants of the home were awoken when they heard a commotion and dogs barking. When the homeowner went out to check on the noise,

he confronted the suspect who was completely naked and trying to choke one of the dogs. So there was more than one dog. The homeowner comes out in spots a person who's not only fighting with this dog, but is naked fighting with this dog. So what the homeowner do? That's right. He opened fire twice, hitting the suspect in the leg and in the butt.

The homeowner held the man until the police arrived. Good Lord. The intruder was taken to the hospital where his condition was unlawful. Known. Police said he tried to bite the homeowners and the police and the workers at the hospital. Now, here's the kicker, and they say he may be under the influence of drugs. Gee, you think? Holy smokes. And it turns out when the homeowner came out and tried to get this naked dog choker guys attention,

apparently this is hilarious apparently this nut dived on to the homeowner and started fighting with him and trying to bite him man i'm tired of biting and fighting with his rot while i need me some human i got to fight me a human now it's just ridiculous here take a little you don't believe me listen here's here's the news report you got to hear this It's ridiculous. Here, check it out. Homeowner opens fire on a man attacking his dog, but it's the details of the story that are really bizarre.

Team 6 reporter Justin Finch joins us now live from Miami to explain Justin what happened. You know, Trina, more than 12 hours later, this story is still no easier to believe. A naked man hops a fence, chokes a Rottweiler, then beats up and bites the dog's owner. That owner had to open fire on that guy just to save himself. Police rush that naked man here to Jackson for treatment of a gunshot wound to his leg,

but police are telling us that man is still not telling them just who he is. Jumped fence naked and start wrestling the dog. Police say this man hopped defense began choking this Rottweiler, and when confronted by the homeowner, he bit and beat him, leaving that homeowner to open fire and striking his burglar in the buff once in the leg. For right now, it disappeared to be a justified shooting. individual was acting irrational, fighting with the dog. That's strange. I saw the police up there earlier, but...

Down the street, neighbors can't help but wonder if today's strange attack was fueled by drugs. I don't know with some kind of marijuana where it has him sweating, paranoia, and that's what he probably had. He probably got paranoid and stuff like that and jumped on the finger because, you know, no normal person would do what he did. He had to do some kind of acid, some kind of marijuana, something like that. This guy is facing a slew of charges, including burglary with a son. resisting arrest with violence, lute, and lascivious conduct, and animal cruelty. Live in Miami, Justin Finch, NBC6, South Florida.

So there it is crazy, right? And I love the folks in the neighborhood doing their detective work. I mean, how did they ever come to this conclusion? He had to do some kind of acid, some kind of marijuana, something like that. And it's weird because, you know, just a couple of podcasts ago,

I talked about the gun control laws in the United States. talked about, you know, those tragically, those young children were killed at the school. And then you hear a story like this where an innocent family is just going about their lives, they're sleeping, they might have kids, and they wake up at 5 in the morning, and there's a naked maniac attacking their dog, attacking their house, attacking them. And let's be honest, if this homeowner didn't have a gun, who knows how they're this thing might have ended. Like what stopped the naked dog choker in his tracks was the gun.

Oh, it's a conundrum, man. It's a conundrum. It's the yin and the yang. It's like, how do you win? And I got an email from one listener that goes, you know, Harland, I like listening to your show, but you went on that rant about the guns the other week. And, you know, I lost a lot of respect for you. I still like your podcast. you know, I didn't like your stance on guns. And I'm like, look, dude, I get it. I can't make everyone happy. You know, I guess in my mind, my first line of caring was for those poor kids. And, you know, the excessive amount of guns in the country.

And it's a tough call. I'm never going to win the gun argument. and I'm not saying I'm right with the gun argument, but when something so powerful, like children getting killed happens, you go off your emotions. And I think a lot of us were just like, let's get rid of all the guns. And then crazy stories like this happen where you go,

my God, now I want a gun. What if a naked Rottweiler choker comes to my house at 5 in the morning? And I got nothing. that's a weird world man so just remember any any opinion i have is is not the law it's not uh it's not written in stone it's just thoughts one thing i do on this show which i'm proud of is i never claim i'm right i only just you know kind of tell you how i'm thinking go off my emotions and i could be wrong as wrong or i could be right as right but I would ask, you know, don't hold those thoughts against my podcast.

You know, sometimes people do that. They just go, oh, man, he said one thing wrong. Screw it. I got no respect for that guy. I think you should always have respect for people, you know, saying what they believe. Whether you're on board with them or not. As long as they're not forcing it down, your throat, I think it's always good to have respect for people's beliefs and opinions.

You don't have to agree with them, but to not have respect for that person is, that's a murky field there. Because whether you agree with them or not, they might be saying something intelligent. It might not work for you. It might not be your opinion, but when I hear somebody speak and I'm not, I'm not with them, I don't disrespect them I don't I don't lose my connection to them In fact, I find it kind of fun

I'll give you a story of Christmas I went home And I went to visit one of my high school buddies He's been my friend for 30 years And he's a wild man He's crazy, he's hilarious, I love him to death And now he's always an edgy guy We got into trouble when we were kids we have a blast, and we're still friends to this very day.

And now he's living in the real estate world. He's got a beautiful wife, two wonderful boys. And I went over to his house, and he started talking about American politics. Now, he doesn't live in the U.S. He lives in Canada, and he's never paid taxes in the U.S., he's never worked in the U.S., and it was interesting because he started going on about Obama. And how great Obama was, and how Obama's the answer to everything. And he started talking to me about paying taxes and fiscal responsibility and money and all that.

And he had a young son who's like 18 who's a bright kid and going to college. And his son started in talking about Obama this, Obama that, how great he is and spreading the wealth around. You know, and I respected their opinion, but at one point I said to the kid, I said, have you ever paid taxes in the United States? You're 18. You've never had a job. I respect your thoughts, your opinion, but here was a kid like, I was kind of speechless because here was a kid talking to me about all this adult stuff

that he'd never experienced. He had no knowledge of it. He was kind of quoting stuff he'd heard on the news. And so I kind of like just let him ramble. And I was like, God, what do I do here? I'm not going to get into a heated debate with a kid that just doesn't get it, doesn't know what he's talking about. Not that he was an idiot.

He knew what he was talking about on a general level, but he was talking out of school. It's like talking to a guy about, snowboarding and it was like a guy who had never snowboarded trying to tell a guy who's snowboarded his whole life how to snowboard. It's like, sure, this guy's seen techniques on TV

and watched it and he heard about it, but he's never done it. But anyways, we got into this big political debate back and forth about Romney versus Obama and the dad and his kids and even his wife. for all Obama freaks, which was odd because they're Canadian. And I was like talking about how I wanted Romney. And it was great because it was fun.

It was fun having those two differences and going back and forth and kind of spouting our viewpoints. And at the end of the day, I love the guy just as much and his family. It had no effect on me that we had a difference of opinion. I actually was stimulated by the debate and the back and forth and the passion and the emotions that flared up. It was kind of cool. I mean, it beats the hell out of, hey, how are you?

Look at the weather. Great, huh? It's kind of fun to debate with. But the key is to respect the other person's opinion. I didn't agree with much of what they said, and they probably didn't agree with much of what. I said, but there's a respect there because you know you're dealing with an intelligent human being with ideas and perceptions and, you know, beliefs.

And so you can't just write them off and go, you don't think how I think you're wrong. Idiot. No. So instead of judging people and turning your back on people that don't share your opinions, I say engage them and get into it and have a little verbal brouhaha. It's kind of fun and stimulating and it gets heated. But then after you, you're like, I love this guy. This is like my buddy, man.

Who cares about that other stuff? So there you go. All this talk coming from a naked guy strangling a Rottweiler. And the debates and the differences of opinions and all the madness just keeps on, motor, and on. Ooh, I'm going to choke that little bastard. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, I think I got a good one today. The question of the day, and you hear me spraying, right?

Are there, and this is the question of the day, Are there other uses for WD40? You know WD40, at least most of the dudes must know this. Sexist. Most of the dudes must know that WD40 is like the rust remover. It's like it's a spray liquid thing that helps loosen up rusty hinges and things that are stiff. And no, it's not a sex aid, perves.

So the question of the day, are there other uses for WD40? Yes, there are, and I'm going to give you some right now. How about this? To keep squirrels from taking over a bird feeder, spray WD40 on the top of the bird feeder, the pesky squirrels will slide right off. Hours of fun, thank you. Nothing like watching a squirrel slide off of something, man. They're so squirrely.

That's why they're called squirrels, idiot. Oh, here we go. Separate stuck glassware. When you reach for a drinking glass and get two locked together, and there's one stuck tightly inside the other one. You don't want to risk breaking one or both of the glasses when you pull them apart, so they will separate with ease if you squirt them with WD40.

Wait a few seconds and press them. You've got your glasses on stock. How about this? Get off a stuck ring for you guys that are on a business trip and you want to hide the wedding ring so you can get it on with the flusie at the Holiday Inn bar. When you can't get that ring off, spray it on your finger. And off it comes.

Maybe get rid of all that rust, too. Oh, this is a good one. Exterminate roaches and repel insects. Okay. WD40, when you see a roach, you spray a small around directly on it, and it's an instant kill. Keep spiders and insects out of your home. Spray WD40 on the windowsills and screen frames and door frames. Be careful not to inhale the fumes when you start.

spray. Although somehow it's safe to put on your skin to get your ring off. Okay. Interesting. Oh, here's one. How about this? WD40. This is for everyone who's got kids. How to remove chewing gum from your hair? Okay. From now and you don't have to panic or get the scissors. Just simply spray the gumbed-d-up hair with WD-40. and the gum will comb out with ease. And if there's any cockroaches in the hair, I guess it'll get those out too. Gross. You can remove scuff marks off the floor.

You ever get scuff marks on your floor? WD40, baby. You can wipe away those ugly tea stains from the countertop. WD40, man. How about this? Clean your toilet bowl. talk about stains blast that WD40 into your crapper

how about waterproofing your winter boots and shoes by giving them a coat of WD40 it acts as a barrier so water can't penetrate the material it'll also remove those ugly salt stains from your shoes and boots and cool

I should spray my whole body and go swimming in the ocean how's your license plate looking is it all rusty and covered with gunk wd 40 man um how about snow all over your windows you want to stop snow from building up on your windows Let's say there's a big nor'easter coming in or a big snowstorm. You want to be able to look outside and see the carnage.

Although, what idiot's going to go up on their roof and spray their windows with WD40? This one's good. How to keep wasps from building nests? They love to build those nests underneath the eaves, right, in your house. So just spray your whole house with WD40. Just sponge your house down. It will help you if you step in dog poo.

You spray that. I guess WD40's got stool softener in it somehow. Maybe that's what the D4 is walking dog dirt 40. I don't know. but it loosens up dog crap. And there you go. There's just some of the alternate uses for good old-fashioned WD-40. So there it is.

The Harland Highway Question of the Day answered, I think, about 14 times. The Harlan Highway, question of the day. All right. Here's an etiquette situation. Tell me if this has ever happened to you, a friend or a buddy or a relative, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, invite you out for dinner. You know, you're making dinner plans. You call, hey, what do you want to do now?

You want to go out to dinner? Yeah, man, let's go out to dinner. Where do you want to go? I don't know. Hey, I know this place. And you're like, oh. Because, you know, we all have our favorite places. Like, you can probably pick like five or six places, reliable places that you've sussed out.

but now your your friend your associate is like i've got a place oh do tell and right away you're a little suspicious because you know even though they're your friend or their relative do they share the same taste of you what is their uh what is their bar for uh for for eating are they like a casual eater are they uh are they uh are they uh a picky eater are they an eater who's what's the term I'm looking for are they an eater with high standards or are they one of these people like yeah just give me food I'll shove it my mouth I don't care just put food in front of me a little I don't know about you but when I go out to eat A lot of things go through my mind.

I actually kind of picture the kitchen in the back of the kitchen. I try to visualize the chef. I try to think about the cleanliness. I try to think about how the food's prepared and blah, blah, blah. Whole plethora of thoughts go through my mind. Whereas I think some people are just like, ah, what? I'd smell food. Let's eat.

You know, it's about filling the gullet as this. they say so i guess what i'm getting at is is you know you ever you ever give it up and you let the friend win the day that you know what i know this italian place down the road i'm like what's it called well it's the blah blah blah and you're like okay and you've eaten there before oh yeah this place is unbelievable you get a check i go there all the it's my place okay you're lucky i'm asking you You're lucky I'm even mentioning it to you. It's my place, man. And you're like, okay, okay.

And this is where you find out how refined their taste is. And you can tell they're kind of proud of it. They're excited that they pick the place. And you're like, hey, cool, awesome. I'm open. But then you get there and stuff starts to go wrong quick. Like right away, you know, you walk in and the ambience isn't really well. you're expecting maybe it's too bright or maybe the decorum's not kind of your style

maybe uh the setup's not good maybe even the the clientele isn't kind of in your wheelhouse which isn't to say it's snobby or not snobby i mean your your clientele is you can be i like to be surrounded by guys in jeans and women in jeans or you like to be surrounded by well-dressed people it can be it can work either way i'm not saying there's a set clientele you need to be around but i'm just saying what's your comfort zone do you like the physical layout of the place so these are just some of the things just walking in it you like the outside you like the sign is it a neon sign is it a cheap awning with bird crap all over it i mean how are you feeling just pulling up to the place what kind of neighborhood is it in what kind of neighborhood is it in

What's the sidewalk like outside? Are there homeless people in the vicinity? Is there gum on the sidewalk? Is the lighting good? I don't know. I think subliminally we all absorb these things, right? So then you walk inside and you sit down and you go, ooh, this chair's kind of stiff.

Kind of a cheap chair. Don't like the tablecloth. Salt and pepper shakers have seen better days. You know, this type of thing, right? Or maybe the opposite. Like, ooh, look at this wonderful tablecloth. Oh, I love those salt and pepper shakers. They're like, they look like canoe paddles.

Oh. But recently I had a thing where I did. I relinquished the responsibility. My buddy was like, oh, this is the place. Let's go. So I go. And I go in and all of the above was not. really great and what do you do you can't you don't want to ruin the guy's mojo you don't want to ruin the

dinner so i kind of didn't love the layout of the place to begin with but i plot myself down and i'm thinking okay i kind of think i know how this meal's going to go already but let me be open and see you know sometimes you associate your environment with the food and you can be wrong sometimes you go to the biggest hole in the wall or a truck stub diner and you're just like, wow, that food was incredible. But sometimes you can tell that it's, you know, the decorum is going to match the eating experience. So sure enough, I sit down. This was like an Italian joint.

And right out of the gate, the service was kind of bad. The waiters took a long time to get over. We were busy talking, so we kind of didn't notice. but then eventually you do start to notice. You're like, wait a minute, we've been sitting here for 12 minutes. Nobody's approached our table yet. And then you get the menu and it's the traditional, you know, it's like the veal scallopini and the spaghetti ball agnes and the this and the that.

And you're like, all right, it can't be too hard to screw this up. But then you get it and it's wrong. There's like you feel like maybe something was. microwaved, or maybe they put too much of something on something. You know, sometimes you put garnish or trim on something, but yet somehow they pile on way too much. Or you know how something's prepared traditionally, like some kind of dishes is usually prepared with a sauce

and it's a little creamier, and then, something comes out totally like the wrong shape and the wrong texture and it's dry and so my point is you get to a place and you're not really digging what's happening you're not satisfied with the scene you're not satisfied with the food the service but you know your friends kind of not noticing it and so you got to kind of oh this is great man yeah this is hey good call this is really good excellent how they're like they ask you how do you like it man how's the food hey man really good you know you got to kind of BS them a little i don't like to ever BS but you know it's like it's like suddenly your friends like they're

kind of it's like a pride thing your friend your friend has pride in this place it's almost like they have a sense of ownership it'd be like walking into their home and going i don't like your couches i don't like the drapes i really hate the way you remodeled your kitchen it's sucks like you can't you can't do that when someone brings you into their restaurant they're they take you personally they're insulted so you kind of got to eat the bad food put up with the crappy service kind of thing to yourself you know the whole time you're there you're like you know we could have gone to that sushi joint that we always go to that's amazing all right i'll eat this slosh just get through it

so there you go i don't know if that's something you've experienced or not but uh i think you have we all have it's kind of like suffering through through this podcast uh oh wait a minute my buddy's calling me i better take this he must have heard me yellow what's up buddy what we've got here is failure to communicate. No, I'm not going to let you listen in on my private phone calls. You've got quite enough, thank you. Well, I've got to make this announcement. I'm super excited.

Tomorrow is the big day, okay? January 15th is finally here, folks. I know you've heard me go on and on about it, but I'm excited. Can't you please just give me this moment? Please. Please. Tomorrow on iTunes, my brand new stand-up comedy special will be available for digital download Harland Williams, A Force of Nature. It's my first stand-up special in many years.

And I'm going to tell you once again, it's not in a theater, it's not in a concert hall. I filmed this damn thing in the middle of the Mojave Desert, up on a giant hill, in the middle of the daylight, under the scorching sun, with no audience, just me and the planet, and a tortoise, and some wild dogs, and some crows. And some cinnamon and some sunflower seeds. It's going to be nuts. It's a lot of fun. I'm pushing the envelope with this special.

I really hope you'll pick it up. I don't even know how much it is right now. I think it's, who knows how much. it is. But I think it'll give you your money's worth. I'm very proud of it. And I hope you and you tell your friends, go to iTunes, and please download my new special. Tell me what you think about it. Share it with your friends. It's Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature. iTunes, tomorrow, January 15th, be the first in line at your own. own computer and order it and man i'm excited

who very excited i think you can tell so uh hope you check it out uh what else is going on don't forget to check out my new stand-up comedy uh schedule for 2013 you can see that at harlowe williams dot com just click on the stand-up page uh headline heading and uh you can see if I'm coming to your town or city. I'm going to be all over the place. Florida, Denver, Dallas, Cleveland, Columbus, Ohio, everywhere, man. So check it out.

Knoxville, Tennessee, Pittsburgh, Tempe, Arizona. Your underpants? No, I'm not going to be in your underpants. You which. So check that out, folks. You can join me on Twitter at Harlan Williams. You can join the official Harlan Williams Facebook page by going there. And you can correspond with the other pavement pounders.

And don't forget, I'm also on a podcast network called All Things Comedy. You can check that out at all thingscom. Where you'll find other great comedians and podcasts available. Nothing like this one, though. But I'm proud to be a part of that network affiliated and associated with them. And there you go. So I'll leave you with that. Thanks for joining.

And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. And don't forget, tomorrow, get that digital download. Sorry. Had to throw in another plug. Thank you.