The Harland Highway - 463: THERE'S BEEN A RAPE, 80's band The FIXX

Episode Date: January 21, 2013

Something has been raped and it's sick, renting a limo, the FIXX in concert, and a fond road trip. Slap it in the happy!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ishkalabababu shakalamaniglishkabala yagga. All right, that's not a real language. I just made it up. And that's why I'm such an idiot. Um, how are you folks? Harlem Williams here. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hope you're doing well wherever you may be.

Raking the lawn. Sitting in your cubicle, flying on your airplane, sitting on the john, laying in your bed, making love. Oh! Oh, what a, speaking of making love, what a show. This is a touchy topic, but we're going out of the gate with something odd. Something's been raped. Way do you hear what's been raped.

It's so disturbing. It's almost funny, but you can't really laugh at rape, so you decide. Wait, do you hear this story? Something's been raped. And how about this? How about you guys come along on an adventure? Have you ever wanted to go on a night on the town with me, yours truly? Well, I'm going to bring you along.

I recorded it. I rented a stretch limo with a bunch of friends. Went to see a retro rock band live in concert. I'm going to take you right there. You're coming along for the ride for the party for this experience. It's going to be really cool. But then isn't it always cool right here on your favorite highway? The Harland Highway

Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here?

Just what in the hell do you think you are doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway This is your fucking wake-up call, man You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams In 30 seconds, you'll be dead Then I'll blow this place up

And be home in time for cornflakes Oh boy, here we go Let's start to show off with a bang Uh, are you ready for a rape story? I know, you're like, What? What did Williams just say? I said, are you ready for a rape story? Hey man, that's not funny.

Don't be throwing that word around. All right, rape is not funny, but, I don't know, isn't it? Hear me out. Wait, do you hear this story? It's probably not funny, but it's bizarre, it's twisted. It's so twisted that maybe it is sort of funny, kind of. and you be the judge. Listen to this story.

Caught on camera. Man allegedly raped ponies. All right, we got a story about a guy who's raping ponies. A miniature horse owner. A miniature horse owner. I can't even say it. I'm so upset. Somebody's raping ponies?

A miniature horse owner asked for the public. help and identifying a man who she says was caught raping her herd on surveillance camera in Florida. Why does all this stuff happen in Florida, man? I think I did a story last show about a guy who, a naked guy, who choked a Rottweiler. What is going on? So some dirt bag, some scumbag, I guess gets his jollies attacking and sexually assaulting

a little baby those mini horses they look like ponies but they're even smaller than ponies because they're actual horses but they're like mini horses and uh this guy's been like tying them up sneaking into some lady's barn leading the horses out tying them up and raping them and sexually assaulting them and stuffing things inside them? What is wrong with this idiot?

What is next? Is he going to be going after clowns? And you're like, come on, Harland. Just stop it. It's not even funny anymore. It never was. Well, I'm not joking. Here's the news story.

Listen for yourselves. Guys, raping horses. This is happy. She was the most recent victim. The owner tells me these small horses are defenseless, and they actually just love humans. But as you can imagine, after the attack, the horses were traumatized. And the owner says it took many of them months to return to normal human interaction. She had been severely brutalized. She had been raped, both by a man and with several objects. Abby says Marion County Sheriff Investigators took a report, but they haven't been much help. We have been told that we have to catch him in the act. And if we catch him in the act and then call them, they will come and arrest him. She says they bought a dog to protect the horses, but it was beaten to death as well. So they set up surveillance and a live internet feed. Saturday, the cameras caught him.

He walked down this way. He inspected the horses that were on the left first to see what horses were in stalls. After he gets the horse that he wants, he brings him out here. They're tied in the corner to the fence where they have been abused and been tortured. They can't fight with a person. They don't know to fight with a person. They would go with anybody. They're hoping someone will recognize the person in the video,

and Abby is sending him a warning. I've never shot a gun in my life. But if I catch this man in this barn taking out another one of my horses, and he's going to traumatize this young horse and hurt her internally like he has my other horses, I will come down and I'll kill him. Florida is just one of a handful of states with laws against humans having sex with animals. That law just passed here in 2011. Trebella Island, watch two news.

Whoa. Wow. There you go, man. I told you, some guys out there raping little horses. Little baby tiny toy horses. Unbelievable. Did you catch that other part of the story where she said she bought a dog to protect the horses and the guy beat the dog to death? Nothing

Put you in the mood for a horse rape Better than a dog beaten I need me a little foreplay How can I get worked up to rape that horse? Oh, wow I'll beat a collie to death That'll give me a woody I'll beat that collie to death

And then I'll rape that baby horse What the hell is wrong with people? and here's the real pincher how about that thing where the guy says they've made it illegal in a handful of states to have sex with animals Florida is just one of a handful of states with laws against humans having sex with animals

excuse me a handful of states does that mean in most states it's legal like this guy could go and bang a horse and then go to Arby's and get a milkshake? I mean, what the hell's going on here? Yeah, you know, honey, you really haven't been putting out the way I like lately, so I'm heading down to the veal farm. I'm going to bang a calf.

And you know what? I'm going to take our poodle with me. I'm going to beat it to death before I bang the cat. What the hell? it's bad enough people like having sex with animals but the act of rape and you know I don't want to trivialize rape okay but but there was that segment

at the beginning of this where it was almost like we were talking about a human here the ladies like well the happy Happy's been traumatized and hasn't been functioning well and happy's, you know, happy hasn't been the same around people. And I don't know, man. I don't know. Does an animal know?

I mean, I hope it does. Maybe it's good. It is traumatized. But I don't know. Are horses and cows kind of dopey? Like, does a cow differentiate? between a farmer pulling on its teat and getting milk and kind of standing behind it

and putting something in its hindquarters? I don't know. I know it's gross to talk about, but I'm not raping ponies. This guy is. I mean, they almost make it sound like the horse went to a rape trauma counselor or something. I got to wonder if during the raping,

the horse is just like eating straw. You got to wonder how much does a horse know or care what's really happening. I don't know. I've been on farms. I've been around livestock. I've seen scenarios where farmers will put their whole arm up the back end of a cow. And the cows are like, whatever. They're just eating their hay.

They don't even move. They're just like, whatever. Stick your whole arm up my you know what hole. So I'm not saying this to try and be funny or be a jackass, but I'm being serious. Like, I wonder if a farm animal even pays one iota of anything toward if there was a guy standing behind it humping away. I'm thinking maybe the animal will be oblivious, but I don't know. I'm not a animal, I'm not a horse rape trauma expert. But listen to this.

after the attack the horses were traumatized and the owner says it took many of them months to return to normal human interaction I don't know about that did they send the ponies away to a you know a pony halfway house or something where they some kind of clinic or something I don't know I'm a little up in the air about if a if a if a hoofed animal even knows what's happening But I'm going to play on the side of the animal in defense of the animal. Let's say it does. Good Lord. God bless the little critter. How sad.

I mean, imagine being a pony and you're afraid to go to a children's party and let the kids get on your back. You're having rape flashbacks? Start trembling and screaming? Ah! What the hell's wrong with that pony? Oh, it was raped. It's still not over it. It's never going to be over it.

I don't know. It's hard not to make funny out of this, but yet at the same time, I feel guilty making funny. It's just so crazy. I almost don't believe it happens. But they caught the idiot on tape. And I'm going to tell you the same as with a human. I'll say the same with an animal.

Does any guy gets caught raping anything? Hang them up and shoot them. Let the pony pull the trigger. Oh, this is going to be good. That's the motherfucker that raped me. Right? Let the pony kick him between the legs with those big hoofs and castrate the son of a.

bitch sick bastards so here you go i'm just going to say that anyone of you listening thinking of raping a pony don't just go to the store and buy a bag of chips and calm down god have a really nice day today folks you deserve it all right you know what else you deserve to do now and then I did this the other night. It was a ton of fun. Me and a bunch of buddies, girls, guys, whole gaggle of goofballs. We decided to go out to some club

and see like a retro band. I don't know if you remember the band The Fix. F-I-X-X. Red skies at night. Red skies at night. Whoa. Yeah, those guys. And what we did is we rented like a stretch limo.

We got one of those great big long limousines. You know, they're like the length of a football field. Like you could literally play flag football inside them. And they're funny little vehicles because you got so many contraptions in there to play with. First of all, you pump everyone in. and whoever like is the idiot that gets in first always makes the mistake of having to get in and because they're first they got to walk all the way to the end of the limo the stretch limo and in this case it was a couple of girls with high heels and you know you got to bend down it's like

it's like you're crawling through a cave because the you know this the area from the floor of the limo to the ceiling of the limo is like four feet so suddenly you're like the hunchback and norther dame crawling down to the end of the limo okay so there's then you're sitting at the end bench and there's the big side bench that faces the bar and the bar's always got these flasks full of booze and they put stickers on them Grey Goose vodka um

you know Tennessee whiskey or whatever that stuff is Jack Daniels whiskey but there's no brand name bottles it's just like it's just a flask with liquid in it you're like I don't know if these guys

are putting premium booze in these flasks you know the whiskey look more like watered down log cabin syrup or Mrs. Butterworths. Vodka was probably, it looked like water to me. Doesn't vodka look a lot like water? Maybe vodka is just contaminated water. So anyways, everyone's in the limo party and having fun.

You can bring your own booze. And then ultimately, you had me and my buddy who were sitting in the backseat. closest to the back door and right in front of us was all the bells and whistles you got this big panel with it's like it's like a mixing board suddenly you're like the mixer guy for a van hailing you know you know the mixer guys stand out in the audience when a rock band's playing they've got their own little area and they got all these switcher boards that's what it's like when you're the back seat of the limo you've got like all the lights you can slide a window up between you and the driver

you got the music you got the heat you know you got all kinds of stuff suddenly you're like a graduate from DeVry when you're in the back of a limo you might as well cut uh you know cut uh katy perry's next album in there hey everybody

who wants to have better sex No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreet. greatly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast, so be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Yeah, Katie, let's do it again, man. We need a little more base, a little more baritone. Let's run that track again.

Okay. Can we stop for a few minutes at 7-Eleven and get some hot dogs? Yeah, okay, man. Hey, pull over, man. So ultimately, now you're fiddling with the radio. Suddenly you're a DJ, too. You got the stereo system right up over your head there. And because it's right by you, you're in charge. So now you're scanning the dial.

You're the DJ and people are booing. Ooh, not that song. Boo! And then you hit something. They're like, yeah, keep it there. everyone's singing and dancing and so suddenly you're that guy and then ultimately like if people aren't hey turn the lights down why is this light my eye because there's like nine million lights in those stretch limos you get your colored lights you got your dimmer lights you got your bar lights you got your floor lights you got your colored lights That's crazy, man. Now suddenly you're a light technician.

So now you're running a DJ, you're running the light show. It's hot in here. All right. Suddenly I'm a climate control expert. Now you're running the AC. I'm telling you, man, you've got to go to a community college for a couple of months, just to master all. the facets of a limo but it's fun man it's a real communal experience because everyone's packed in

there and they're laughing and for some reason girls like to get a little sexy in limos too you know because when the girls get drinking they like to move around right and they love to take pictures with their phones and stuff so obviously they got to do the sexy where they pull their top down or they're licking each other's ears. They put their legs up and touch the ceiling. They do like a spread eagle and their tongues come out and stick their hiny up in the air. Yeah, girls go a little sexual when they get stuffed in a stretch limo. Everyone's bouncing around and leaning on each other and rubbing.

There's like eight different conversations going on. Crazy. So that was a fun little idea. Instead of everyone driving to this little concert, we all just jumped in the limo and had ourselves a little partay. That's splendid. Okay, so I don't think it would be fair to tell you about my limo ride. You know, and then I went to this concert with the fix without, you know, letting you in on the concert when we got there. So for those of you that love 80s bands, the fix is one of those bands you've heard them.

They've got a lot of good hits. You know, they probably had like probably between 5 and 10, like, top radio hits. And they had a really unique sound, very clean sounding, great musicians. The singer had a really clear, crisp, unique. voice and let me take you live to the venue and you can hear a little bit of the madness as as me and my friends get into it and try to sing along and then just as I start to get gone some random guy walks up to me because he recognizes me here we go Do you like this, how much do you like this?

How much do you like this? I love it a whole lot, Arlen. Ah, spotting. Oh, my friend Yeah, man. I met at some party in Hollywood, right? Yeah, man. I met somewhere.

Oh, how you doing, man? Doing all right? Yeah, we met before. Where'd we meet in Hollywood? Yeah, I met at some party in Hollywood right. You know how many people come up and give me that line? We met somewhere. It's weird.

And people say stuff to you like you're supposed to know, like, Yeah, I'm friends with Paul Henderson. I'm like, okay, first of all, I don't know who you are. How am I going to know who Paul Henderson is? It's just welcome to my world. Now, that happens all the time. Hey, man, I know you from where the other thing? I've never met you in my life, dude.

Sorry. I want to be involved in your fantasy, but I just can't get there. Plus, you interrupted my awesome singing of the fix. So you know that song, Red Skies at Night? And then here, let me play just a little bit more. Here's another one of their big hits that I think you'll recognize. My dream My dream

My dreams is so lonely You know a bird in a bird Oh Oh Oh Oh

Say it, Rosie. So maybe I'll win. Sing it by zero. What happened to you when you were a boy? When I was raped by zero. Jeez, what a knot. Apparently one of my friends was raped by zero, whatever that means. I knew he'd say something still.

You ever do that? You ask your friends a question of weird because you know they're characters and they're going to say something hilarious or stupid or weird. I just set that up. What happened to you when you were a boy? I don't know what he's going to say.

I don't know. I was raped by zero. I love randomness. So there you go. There's my little fix. There's my little fix of the fix. Great band. obviously this was a noisy club atmosphere.

But I got to tell you, these guys are probably in their late 50s, early 60s, and, you know, they still had the swagger. They still had the voice. You could hear the guy, even through all that ruckus, the guy still had a primo voice, man. So they sounded real good. The only thing I'd say about them is that they weren't the most engaging band. like their stage antics weren't very captivating.

They basically all just kind of stood there. There was no acrobatics. There was no, I don't know. Like, I don't, excuse me, I don't mind guys just standing there. But these guys were, I don't know, they were to the point where they weren't creating a magnetic energy between the audience and themselves. They sounded great, but they weren't whipping us into a frenzy.

You've probably seen some bands where the singer and everyone up there just to create this electricity. You feel like you're connecting with them. These guys kind of felt like, ah, we're doing our set. We're singing our tunes. And we're done. But nonetheless, great band, great show. And I'm actually going to end the show with one of the real songs, not from the venue, but one of a, a cut from one of their albums called Reach the Beach.

And one of the things that was fun about seeing the fix is it brought back memories, wonderful memories. When I was in college, my last year of college, it was exam week. I might have told you this story before. I'll make it brief. It was exam week, and there was this beautiful girl in my class. We were supposed to write our exams,

and I was like, screw it, man. Screw it. So I was like, I turned to her and said, hey, you want to, you want to just take off to Florida, run away to Florida. We'll drive down there, go down to the beach. And as luck would have it, she said, yeah, I do. So we kind of planned this little getaway. We went right during exam week, we just drove from Canada, Toronto, Canada, all the way down south to Cocoa Beach. And these were the days when Cocoa Beach wasn't developed.

It was just a few little sea shanty hotels like the horseshoe in and the seahorse motel. It was really quaint and uncluttered and uncommercialized. And me and this girl took off. We pretty much fell in love. But the whole drive down, we played this song from the Fix. It's called Reach the Beach. And, you know, it has a lot of sentimental value to me.

But outside of that, I think it's just a car. kick-ass, groovy tune. It's kind of slow, but the guy's singing is great, and it's very catchy. You listen to it, you want to listen to it again and again and again. At least I did. And with me, it took me right down to the beach. So let's close out the show with Reach the Beach by the Fix. See, I told you, I'm a limo DJ.

Let's reach the beach with the fix. Turn the lights off. Dancing time has no surprise when I lose my name Love's eyes then Secrecy would hide my course To describe me to distract me

This man or mine must not connect You're a nature Will contain me Free fall in hours of force When I'm falling, calling, I return Floating closer to your shore Oh I'll start to drift with the dive

It's yeah, baby I'll reach I reach the beach Oh my horn is in with the time It's it, baby I'll reach Oh it's the beach

We're going to be. Oh. Oh. Oh. You know, Oh, Oh, Oh.

And Oh. Oh. Oh. And Oh. And Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. When in your eyes, I see the sun, a teasing version of war, desperate men. Should I lose my lover's eyes there? secrecy

hide my course When I'm feeling Too sure Then I drown So take closer To your shore

Oh I'll start to drip With the tide And maybe I'll reach I'll reach the beam Oh

My heart is few words of time It's a great I'll reach I'll loose the beach Oh, yeah, there it is. Oh, yeah, there it is. Listen to that jam Yeah

I start to drift with the tide Baby, I reach I reach the beach Wow, just ruined it at the end there My horrible out of tune voice Anyways, great song Hope you enjoyed it I know I did

Love those songs that have sentimental value moments in your life, right? It's always a treat. So great way to end the show with the fix. Reach the Beach. Also, reach for iTunes. My brand new stand-up special Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature,

is available on iTunes. It's a digital download. Please check it out. Very exciting. My first stand-up comedy special in a few years. It's filmed in the middle of the desert on a hill in the middle of the day.

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You've heard me say it before, but I can't stress the uniqueness of this special. And I just want to make sure you guys are aware of it and can enjoy it too. Hopefully it brings you lots of laughter. What else is going on, man? I don't forget, you can join me on Twitter at Harland Williams.

And you can also go to harlorn Williams.com. Look at my updated stand-up comedy special for 2013. I may be coming to your town. Yeah, your town or your city. One of the first shows I'm going to be doing is in Florida on February 28th, the hard rock casino in Fort Lauderdale. I'll be playing the improv down there, so get your ticky ticks. And it's all cool, man.

freaking cool dude and uh that's it if you want to uh write me harlan williams dot com if you want to call me maybe share your thoughts about my special if you've downloaded uh harlan williams a force of nature on iTunes uh maybe you want to give a review maybe you want to tell me you liked it you hated it you want to see more you want me to go dig a hole you actually want me to reach the beach dig a hole and bury myself. Uh, the phone number here. 323-739, 4330. That's 323739, 43330.

I love to hear what you think of my new stand-up special. And don't be afraid to be honest. I can take it. I, uh, I can take the good, the bad, and the ugly. Uh, because it's something so different and so new, I'm interested to get feedback from people. See if they're like, You know what?

I didn't like the concept. Go back to a theater with lots of people or, man, this was cool. I want to see more of this outrageousness. So don't be afraid to let me hear what you think. And that's it. We're going to close this pound puppy up. Yeah. I'm going to the beach to have a reach with Stacy Keech.

Oh, God. All right. Thanks for being here, folks. Great to have you along. We'll catch you next time. And until then, man, chicken. Chow mean, baby. What?

Paul Henderson's here? Who the hell's Paul Henderson?