The Harland Highway - 465 BURGER KING DEATH, Harland has a run in with the cops

Episode Date: January 31, 2013

A Burger King funeral, Harland loses $$$ after run in with cops, sporting event distractions, Harland announces Conan Show. Stiffen your staffen!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy, holy, holy ho. Welcome one and all to the Harland Highway. Glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad we're all here together, rolling down the highway together. I am Harlan Williams, your chauffeur. And what a show we have today, man. On today's show, I'm actually going to eat it.

I'm going to eat some money. I'm going to put myself behind today's podcast is going to cost me a pretty penny. And I'm not even joking. Wait to you see what happened. I got into a confrontation with the police. I got a ticket. And wait, do you see what I do on today's show with that ticket.

And what I do with that ticket is going to cost me. But I don't care. It's all relative. So stick around for that. Have you been to a sports game lately? a hockey game, a basketball game, a football game. Do you find that the people who throw these games commandeer your time, that every spare second when a ball or puck isn't in play,

they're doing like a monkey show for you? So you don't have time to think. We're going to discuss that. And then this is great. Some guy on his funeral went through a Burger King drive-thru and got a burger while he was dead. Oh, it's going to be good. It always is right here on the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.

Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. All right, let's start the show off where

let's start a show off that makes no economic sense, okay? First of all, I don't make a dime doing this show. show and now for your enjoyment and for mine too oh i am going to cost i'm going to i'm going to put myself in debt because of this show i'm going to do something that cost me money but i think you're going to like it you're going to enjoy it i'm going to feel the heat for it but what the hell i got to do this okay so guess who got a ticket me. I got a traffic violation. Okay. And this one really is a cheese fest because guess what it's

for? I was driving around. I was up in British Columbia. I was working. I was shooting some TV show up there. And I'm driving to work to the set in my little rental car. And I'm in between two street. Okay, I'm going down a street and it's one of those streets where there's a lot of a lot of traffic lights. And there's a traffic light on every street. So basically I've got about, I don't know, 40 yards, 50 yards between each traffic light. So you can't even get a lot of speed up. So I'm going about 20, 25 miles an hour, right? And it's, you know, there's a bunch of cars around and people are weaving all over the place

and I cut over a couple of lanes and all of a sudden I get lit up by a cop whew, weep, weep, whip, weep, weep, woo, woo, woo, and I'm like, what the hell?

I look at my rearview mirror. All these lights are going off. I'm like, geez. What did I do? And then I kind of had that calm feeling well, I didn't do anything. So let's, let's, let's, let's pull over and see this can be kind of fun.

So I pull over and cop walks up to my window. And he goes, sir, you didn't signal. Excuse me? You didn't put your signal on when you changed lanes. And I almost wanted to start laughing. I was like, yeah, I didn't put my traffic signal on when I changed lanes. hilarious officer hilarious i should give you a ticket for comedy but the guy's serious so i got a ticket i got a traffic a british columbia violation ticket it's called and i'll read it to you what's

the charge fail to signal lane changes a hundred and nine dollars section 151c Ooh, I broke section 151C Ooh $109 for breaking Section 151C Whatever the hell that means So the guy hands me the ticket And I'm like, he can't be

He's got to be kidding Okay And here's what I said when I got them. I put my old iPhone on and recorded it. Here's how it went down. Here's your driver's license back. A ticket here for not signaling your lane changes. You do have to do that for obvious safety reasons.

Okay, you have 30 days to dispute the ticket. We're trying to pay before 30 days. The government provides a $25 reduction. It would be $84. Your options are on the back there. $84? Yeah, before 30 days you subtract 25 off the ticketed amount or as long as it's paid with them. That's a lot of money for not putting your signal on.

Well, it's a lot of accidents, right? When people change lanes and you know, you got to let other drivers know what you're doing, okay? All right. Thank you. Okay. Oh, boy. And I made a conscious effort not to say thank you. How many of you have done that?

Because you're so worried it's a cop. It's the law. so they hand you a ticket for something stupid you go okay thank you yeah thank you officer for ruining my day thanks for pulling me over and you know this is money i could have put towards my kids college fund or i could have bought my daughter a new pony but no i'm i'm glad to give it to you because you know i parked in the wrong place or i didn't signal so you notice in that clip I was very careful not just went okay see you later and I've told you this before 50% of the time cops let me off because they recognize me right and there was something

about this guy was such a ludicrous like charge it was so like it was so like annoying that he did this that I didn't even try to like I kept my baseball hat on I didn't really look up at him I I didn't want the guy to let me off it was like I was just annoyed that he pulled me over for something so dumb, right? So I got the ticket, and this is going to, this is, I think I've talked about this before, but I'm going to say it. And if you think I'm a snob, you think I'm a jackass, too bad, so be it. What can I say?

I always said in life, you know, when some people make money in life, whether they're millionaires or billionaires, or billionaires are rich, or they're just doing okay. You know, some people buy cars, some people buy clothes, some people travel, some people do this, some people start hobbies. I've made a little money in my life, you know, in my career. I'm at an age where I've got a few bucks put away, right? Like most you.

And I always said to myself, as if I ever had enough money to put away and I felt secure with my finances and blah, blah, blah. I always said my one simple joy in life would be just not giving a crap when I got a ticket. Like, there's nothing more annoying than getting a ticket. You're like, what a waste of money. And I just was like, I don't care.

I don't care if I get a ticket. And so today, on, that's the ticket right there. Today, on the Harlan Highway, I don't usually use foul language on the show. I try not to. I try to be a gentleman. I use it sometimes, but try not to. But today, I'm not going to be a gentleman. I'm going to use some cuss words, and I'm just going to rip this thing up.

I'm going to rip this ticket up. I know it's going to cost me money. It's going to come in the mail because I didn't pay it. I'm probably going to get charged double. Maybe my insurance will go up. And I'm like, that's my little money thing. I've made a little money in life. That's where mine comes in.

I don't buy cars and yachts and this and that. My pleasure with money is to go, and here comes the bad language. Cover your ears if you don't like it. The only reason I ever wanted to make money in life is to say, fuck you to your stupid fucking ticket. Could you tell how good that felt when I did that? Fuck you to your stupid fucking ticket, dude.

I couldn't give a shit. This ticket does not impact my life. You want to make it out for $500? Good. Fuck you. I saved a little money in my career, okay? Fuck you. This doesn't phase me.

And what I'm going to do right now, and just so you know, this is the ticket. You can hear it's on that flimsy paper. If you hear that, it's like somewhere between toilet paper and real paper. And, you know, this won't work unless you believe me. So I swear on my mother's grave, on my mother's life, on my unborn children, I swear on my own soul that this is the ticket. and I'm going to rip it up because you go oh he's just ripping up a piece of paper nice try no see this isn't just for you I have to do this for me like this is a huge fuck you to this guy and again

I apologize for the language but this ain't going to feel right unless I swear it out I got to swear it out man it's like walking it off I just got to walk it off man I just got to walk it no I got to swear it out I got to swear this shit out So here we go. I'm going to rip the shit out of this fucking ticket. God, it feels good. And I'm going to eat it. I'm going to get charged more, but I don't care, and it's going to feel good.

Ready? Here we go. And while I'm doing it, I'm going to be swearing. So if you don't like that, closure is, here we go. Fuck you. You stupid. fucking ticket doesn't phase me i'm happy to eat the money i'm getting more value for my money ripping this fucking stupid don't change lanes ticket then i will paying off this ticket you get it

there's value is where you see it value is where you believe value to be the value for my soul for my peace of mind for my happiness is to say fuck you and let me say it one more time fuck you again and your fucking stupid chicken there it's getting so small i can't rip it anymore wait here's a big piece fuck you and your ticket now that just cost us me hundreds of dollars, but I don't care, and I feel really good right now. And again, I apologize for cussing,

but you have to. You have to with this. And honestly, changing a lane, sir, you're getting a ticket for moving over six feet. Yeah, I was moving forward. I was in the

flow of traffic. I mean, good God, dude. You're in a major city full of drug dealers and prostitutes and violent crime. And you're roaming the streets looking for a guy going 20 miles an hour who doesn't signal. And by the way, probably everyone doesn't signal. Ridiculous. Let me get a bunch of...

I got to give it... Just for that, I need one more. Fuck you. Here. Fuck you and your stupid ticket. There. I don't think I could possibly rip it any smaller. So there you go

That was for you For those of you that have always wanted to do that But can't afford to do it Or don't have the balls to do it I just did it for you I'm eating the money But I got to tell you It was worth it

It felt good It was like therapy Case closed Who Who gets a ticket For not putting their signal on 85 bucks The guy gives me a ticket for not signaling

to get in another lane Has anybody ever got a ticket for that? Good night, Nelly Furtado. Now, on the other side of the getting value for your money or your time spectrum, how about this? a situation where you get too much for your time and your money?

See if you agree with me or disagree with me on this one. How many of you have been to a sporting event lately or a hockey game? Anyone go to the NHL hockey games? I went recently to a couple and it dawned

on me that there are a lot like kids parties. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping

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Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And when I say that, I mean, I've noticed that, you know, when you go to a hockey game now, or even a baseball game to an extent,

The people who throw it, the promoters, the people who organize it, the owners, they're constantly engaging the crowd and entertaining us to the point where you feel like a stupid kid at a birthday party. Right? It's like the minute the play stops, the minute a whistle is blowing. It's like suddenly there's a guy jumping around in a mascot suit. like he's dressed as a whale or a lion or a rhubarb or something suddenly he's got like a shotgun and he's shooting t-shirts up into the crowd or there's a kid on center ice like shooting a puck into a net for you know the

crippled children's society or some guy has to shoot a puck and win a 10,000 bucks or a trip to Disneyland and the minute the whistle blows the minute the place Play stop. Suddenly you're listening to Ozzy Osbourne's Crazy Train or Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses or Deo, Deo, you know, they just fill any quiet moment with activity, with distractions, with noise. No longer can you go to a sporting event at a big arena and in between plays just soak in the ambiance. absorb the atmosphere Listen to the murmur of the crowd Listen to people yelling And heckling and laughing

And clapping and stomping their feet You can't really Take in the hum of the lights And the sounds And the effervescence of the arena Or the facility that you're in It's like somehow The people who own these buildings

buildings and run these events feel the need to oh we must entertain the kids we can't have one moment of silence quick put on some music quick put something up on the giant pixel board show the blooper reel show show an interview with one of the stars show a replay put a cartoon character up there clapping his hands use use the fan camera cut to all the fans singing and kissing and dancing and it's like, man, it's kind of condescending, man. I find it condescending. It's like we're all a bunch of idiot kids at a party

and we can't have any downtime. It's like a trained animal. Like a circus monkey. It's like, okay, keep them busy. Keep shake shiny shit in front of their face so they don't drift off. And it's really changed, man. And it's to the point from the minute you get into a sporting event,

they feel the need to do this. They're dancing cheerleaders. You know, there's a kid jumping around with a bag of beans on his head. I don't know what. And I find it annoying. It makes me feel kind of stupid. It takes away from the experience. You know, I don't mind if there's just some quiet time.

You know, it's like there's the Hockey's Fast and Furious. They blow the whistle. And in between plays, I get to just sit in my seat and talk to my friend that I'm with. Or I get to scan the crowd and look at the other people. I get to hear the murmur, the excitement. You know when you're in a giant crowd, you can kind of tell the tone of the crowd by the murmur. You can tell if they're excited. You can tell if they're giddy.

You can tell if they're trepidious. There's value in that, you know? And what they do nowadays is they take all that away. And in those moments, there's a lot of charm. And there's a lot of that, like, home-cooked meal factor where it's like, you know, it feels warm. It feels personal. It feels like you're putting on an old sweater.

It's like, oh, this is my stadium. I'm here with everybody. but all the circus act performing they do, it takes it away from being communal. It takes it away from being that you're there with a mob, you're there with a crowd. Suddenly, you're always focused on something else. You don't have time to think of the other people around you.

And it's like, it's kind of ruining the experience, man. When I was a kid and I went to a hockey game, there was a lot of joy in just those quiet moments. and listening to the odd guy across the arena yelling or heckling or some guy blows one of those horns, you know, or someone's jumping around with a banner or a stupid hat. But now you're so distracted, you miss all that. You miss the interaction with the other fans.

You're directed on what to look at and what to hear and what to, ugh. It's like, leave us alone. man i paid my ticket i'm here leave us alone you don't have to jump and dance around i'm not i'm not a four-year-old kid with no attention span maybe i'm an adult and i would like some quiet time i'm here to watch hockey when they when they break when they blow the whistle i don't mind like taking a breath sitting here having a drink having a hot dog conversing with my friends listening in on the people around me hearing the excited conversations by the people in the stands all around me. Oh, that was a great play.

What do you think of this guy? Oh, my God, that was such a great play. They almost scored. Oh, you know, like that murmur. But it's gone, man. You know, what am I supposed to do? Play pin the tail on the donkey at the next hockey game, huh? Excuse me, when does pin the tail on the donkey start?

That'll be right after the next play, right after we play horse. shoes and we do shadow puppets for you oh awesome okay thanks you're welcome now watch the video thanks so there you go that's my angry beef and uh well let me uh play some music so that you're not distracted by what i just said and it'll take your mind off it Conjunction, Junction, what's your function? Hooking up words and phrases and clauses. Conjunction, junction, how's that function? I got three favorite cards that get most of my job done.

Conjunction, junction, what's their function? I got and button or they'll get you pretty far. And that's an additive like this and that. But that's sort of the opposite Not this but that And then there's ore O-R When you have a choice like this

Or that And flat and ore Get you pretty far Conjunction Junction What's your function Hooking up two box cards And making arm run right Milk and honey

Bread and butter Peas and rice Hey that's nice Dirty but happy digging and scratch And losing your shoe And a button or two He's poor, but honest, sad, but true. Boo.

Conjunction, junction. What's your function? What's that junction? Yeah. All right, enough for that. Three, four. How much do you love your junk food? This is a great story.

I got to read you this story, man, because I love my junk food. And this guy might just be my new roll. model okay check this headline out man gets his last whopper junior during his funeral procession hello oh i love this guy a pennsylvania man who died at age 88 was buried saturday but not before a stop at burger king on the way to the cemetery for a whopper junior only in america man Isn't that amazing? The New York Daily record reported that David S. Clime Jr. of West York loved the burgers along with other fast food.

So his family and friends followed the hearse through the drive-thru window at the Manchester Burger King. The manager said 40 Whopper Jr. Burgers were prepared, including one for Kime, who died January 20th. I love that. I got to say, though, imagine if you're not part of the funeral procession. Let's say you're just you or me, you're like, man, I could go for a, I could go for a Wapper for lunch. You pull up to the drive-thru and there's a funeral procession going through. It's like, you know what? I think I'll go get me a salad.

That just don't look right. I mean, there's a guy in a hearse going through. I'm going to go get me a salad and maybe a blood transfusion and a bottle of vitamins. Because that's what you call a sign right there. That would be hilarious. So they say about the guy They say he always lived by his own rules Says one of Klein's three daughters

His version of eating healthy Was the lettuce on the Wopper Jr. right? Yeah. Hello! You got your lettuce. Leave me alone It's right here on top of this meat patty Made out of lips and assholes. Leave me alone. and I'm healthy.

I think I'm guilty of that myself. Yikes. She said her five-foot-tall father was a borderline diabetic for years and had a pacemaker. But he began eating what he wanted after his wife died 25 years ago. Okay, all right. It's one thing to love junk food, but when you got diabetes and a pacemaker, suddenly the stack and the piece of lettuce, on the meat ain't that funny anymore.

It's, you got a bit of an argument and it's quirky and cute when you got some health going, but when you're riding a pacemaker and you've got diabetes, you know what? Don't mess around with that. The daughter said he was not prejudiced. He would go to any fast food place that anyone invited them to. Do you really need an invitation? to go to a fast food place? Dear Mr. Smith, you are cordially invited on this day,

March 25th, the Queen's 2014, to attend a feast for your fat face at Burger King. Please check the box if you can go. R.SV.P. Black tie and formal attire only. so the daughters said after a while they gave up lecturing him on your 88 years old I guess you've earned the right to do what you want to do

yeah I guess I guess so and then they they said that as a final tribute to their father they laid a burger atop his casket mixed in with all the flowers

Can you believe it? And there's actually a picture. There's a picture in the newspaper. I mean, I don't know how I can make you see this, but there's a picture in the newspaper. You know what I'll do? I'll try and post it up on my, I'll try and post it up on my Facebook page.

Okay? The Harlan Williams official Facebook page, I'm going to try and post it. So go and look, and as sad as it is to see someone gone and die, this picture is hilarious. It shows his grieving wife standing over the coffin with a Burger King bag in her hand. She couldn't look sadder, and all the mourners are in the background. It's only in America, man.

You've got to see this picture. It's worth it. Go to Harlan Williams' official Facebook page. and check it out or maybe I'll post it at my Twitter page at Harland Williams. If you join my Twitter feed, you'll see it. Just hilarious.

You got to see this picture. So there you go. God bless America. God bless your pacemaker. God bless your slap of lettuce. And God bless Dian. with dignity with a steaming hot cheeseburger sitting on your casket. Oh, my God.

One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Gotta love it. Gotta love it. So there you go. Live the way you want, die the way you want, and enjoy life. And speaking of enjoying life, one of the things I really enjoy in life is going on Conan O'Brien's television show and sitting down with Conan and yucking it up and laughing and having a good time. So guess what, gang, you're the first to hear it.

I will be on Conan's show. I will be on Conan's show. It will be. It will be Monday, February 4th. And I'm going to be one of Conan's guests on the Conan O'Conan. O'Brien late-night talk show. So make sure you tune in. I'm going to be promoting my new DVD,

my new comedy special, Harlan Williams, A Force of Nature. If you don't have it yet, you've got to get it. It's the one where I do my special out in the middle of the desert. On a hill in the blazing sun, it's available at iTunes. It's a digital download. Or if you need the hard copy,

you can go to Amazon.com. And get it. You can actually access that right through my website, harlumwilums.com. We have a link to Amazon.com. So just go to harlumwilms.com. Click on there and order it today. So Conan O'Brien's show Monday, February 4th. And then on the weekend, I will be in Cleveland, Ohio.

Yeah, that's right. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, at Hilarities, Thursday, February 7th, right through to the 9th. So that's Thursday through Saturday. Go to my website, harlornwilliams.com, click on the comedy link, and you will get the info. You can order your tickets. It's going to be a blast. I hope I see a lot of pavement pounders out there. And I'm also going to be there after the show, actually selling and, you know,

I'm photographing my brand new comedy special, A Force of Nature. So come on out. Going to have a blast, and it's going to be great. If you want to write to us, harlunewilums.com. If you want to leave a phone message, 323-739-4-330, that's 3-2-3-3-739-4-3-0. Hope you're doing great. Hope you're having some laughs. Go get a cheeseburger.

We'll see on Conan on Monday night. And until then, chicken chau main with a cheeseburger, baby.