The Harland Highway - 466: U.S. President ATTACKED, Noisy people in movie theatres

Episode Date: February 4, 2013

Obama is attacked in the white house, noisy people during movies, the question of the day, and Harland announces TV spot. Clam up oyster face!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, oh, welcome to the Grand Illusion. Welcome to the Harland Highway, folks. Great to have you here, pavement pounders and everyone else. This is Harlem Williams. I am your host. And what a show. Unbelievable. Big announcement today.

I'm going to tell you right out of the gate. You've got to wait for this part to finish. But exciting news that may affect your television viewing tonight. I'm going to be appearing somewhere. I'll let you know. Also, there's been a breach. There's been a breach of security at the White House. Wait till you hear what happened to the president of the United States.

He was assaulted, man. Someone physically made contact with Barack Obama. You're not going to believe this story. It's crazy. We have the Harland Highway Question of the Day coming up. Always thought-provoking. Oh, he's insightful, oh, he's meaningful, impactful. You're going to go berserk on this one.

And then how about this? African-Americans at the movies. Have you had an experience with African-American people making noise, talking, yelling at the movie screen? They have a reputation for that. Let's just say I got involved in it. I became an African-American at the movies. Why do you hear this?

Today on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.

Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes.

Here we go. Oh, yeah. Okay, there it is. You know that theme, don't you? You know that theme music? Yeah, that's the theme music for the Conan O'Brien show, which I will be recording later today. I will be on Conan O'Brien tonight, unless somehow I get canceled. That happens. Sometimes they book you, and then things go kooky and they move you.

Or sometimes you even get bumped. You ever see a talk show where one of the guests goes on too long and they bump the other guests? So for now, everything is in position for me to be on the Conan O'Brien show tonight. And check it out if you're up or you want to DVR it. Conan and I, here we go. Bow! Conan and I always have a really good time, a lot of fun. And I'm going to be on the show talking to him, joking around with him,

promoting my new stand-up special of Force of Nature, available on iTunes, BW, BW, no, wait, BTW, by the way. You know what? It just would have been faster for me to say, by the way. And I go to BTW, I mess it up, I have to explain myself, and what should have ended, probably about 30 seconds ago, I'm still talking about it. so screw abbreviations

S-A screw abbreviations Well, I just did it again W-S-I What a stupid idiot All right, enough Welcome to the Highland Highway And like I said, check out Conan

Tonight on TBS. Well, there it is again. Another abbreviate, TBS. Why didn't I just say Turner Broadcasting station or whatever the hell it means. You know, welcome to the show. I'm going to take a break. I'm going to go to KFC, get something to eat, and just start again.

But catch me on Conan tonight, promoting my new comedy special, Harlow Williams of Force of Nature, available on iTunes and at Amazon.com. I'm going to KFC. Let's kick it back with the colonel at KFC. I'm going to wrap my order, try to keep with me. here we go now start with mac and cheese number three chicken strip please bucket of chicken half gallon coke small chicken brother so i don't choke that spicy grilled chicken looking finger licking now to the sides we'll start with the corn mashed potato and fowls make me feel we're born now i hope you caught what i said

just give me the price and i'll drive all right wrapping with the kFC uh here's up wow Here's a fun story. This cracked me up. I don't know if you saw this on the news, but President Obama was giving a speech or not a speech, but I don't know. He assembled the press. There was a press briefing or something. I don't know the terms. I'm not the president. I don't live in the White House.

He was standing and he was talking. There, I've broken it down so we all understand it. President Obama was standing and talking. God, what am I? Einstein? So he was standing and talking, and he was announcing the nomination of some officials. And as he was giving his how do you do to the press, a large fly interrupted the president as he was presenting his picks. I guess he was appointing someone to the security and exchange commission,

whatever that is. I've heard of skate exchanges. Maybe they're exchanging skates at the White House. And all of a sudden, under the bright television lights, a fly darted around the president's head as he spoke in the state dining room. So that's not a good sign. And it landed, this thing came in for a landing

right in the middle of Barack Obama's fore. Head. Right in the same spot. You ever see East Indian people and they have that red dot? I think that red dot's called a Siri. I'm not sure. No offense if I got it wrong. But you've seen the red dot. Well, this fly landed right where that red dot would be. And this fly might be one of the biggest house flies I've ever seen. And you've got to figure if you're living it up in the White House, you know, there's some fine food around that joint. So this big fat fly is like, man, I am living the life. And all of a sudden, in the middle of this thing, this fly lands right on the president's forehead. It's like, you know what? I don't care who that is. You know, five minutes ago, I was outside sitting on a loaf of dog shit. I'll show you how cool I am.

I'm going to go from a loaf of dog shit right to the most powerful man in the world's four. That's the kind of player I am. Oh yeah, watch this. I fly off this dog shit. Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-thru the window of the White House. Through the White House dining room. And right on a motherfucking president's forehead. Right between the eyes, player.

Wow. I mean, that guy's got balls and what's the Secret Service going to do? They can't take the shot. We got someone on the president. Take the shot, take the shot. It's right between his eyes, man. Take the shot right between his eyes. No, that's too easy.

Now it makes me wonder if this fly was sent by like the Iraqis or the Iranians or communist China or North Korea. What we do, we send fry into the praise. Okay, we send a fry. He fry in, he ran right on president's forehead. Secret service called shoot right between the eye. We kill President the United States. Freaky idea, but I think it's going to work.

No, it didn't work. So Obama broke off his speech to swore. lot at the intruder, which flew away, and Obama goes, this guy is bothering me here. He should have said it like Clint Eastwood. This guy is bothering me here. And he says, get out of here, he said, before smacking and killing the fly. So anyways, here's a little clip, if you don't believe me. Here's Brian Williams.

This fly made the news. Can you imagine all the flies huddled around on a loaf of dog shit Watching their TV Are you serious? Is that motherfucking Jerry on the president's face Are you shitting me Jerry? Oh man, give me a high wing, man Give me a high wing

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz That motherfucker landed right on the motherfucking president's face Right between the motherfucking eyes Shit, Jerry Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, that takes some balls. Jerry. When you get the idea for that, man? Whatever. You know, I'm cool. I'm a player.

Oh, shit. Oh, hell no. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to to make your life easy. They offer discreet shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order.

Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So there you go. Here's the clip.

It made the NBC News. This flies like a celebrity now. This shit flies a celebrity. With temperatures in Washington hovering in the 20s, what may be the last surviving house fly of the winter season was hovering in the White House today and had an encounter with the president during a press event. And that's why today I am nominating Mary Joe White

to lead the Security and Exchange Commission and Richard Cordray to continue leading the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. This guy's bothering me here. The incident left us with this unfortunate still photo of the president, and while we presume Secret Service wrestled the offender to the ground, the president has a history with flies famously dispatching one during an interview with our own John Harwood. I love how he's so grim.

It was an unfortunate incident, such an unfortunate incident, that this... No, it wasn't. It was hilarious. It's like, that's the stuff I want to see when I watch boring presidential speeches and talkings and chatterings. I mean, I'd personally be happy

if a hummingbird blasted through the window and just stuck in the middle of his forehead like a lawn dart. Okay? Ah! All right? And I don't care who the president is. than is god i love that stuff

i'd love it if a draft's neck came through the window and licked his face in the middle right i love unexpected stuff like that uh but you do got to see this picture it's a hilarious picture i'm going to post it on my uh facebook page uh go to uh harland harland william's official facebook page And also, if you join my Twitter page, you will see it. At Harlan Williams. Well, I don't, Twitter's not a page. Just my Twitter account or whatever.

I don't know all this technology stuff. So there you go, man. I think there's a kid's book in this. The fly that went to Washington or something, right? The fly in the president. Oh, shit. He got his own motherfucking kids book now? shit. Jerry? Whatever the hell your name was earlier?

So there you go, man. Check out this picture. Barack Obama with a fly in the middle of his face at Harlem Williams' official Facebook page or at Harlan Williams' Twitter account. And for God's sakes, people, get some off between your eyes. This guy's bothered me. Island Highway. Question of the day. All right, here it is. Why do people need ivory? Hmm? Why do people feel the need to shoot an elephant in the head or club a walrus over the head so they can have the tusks?

I mean, really? Do you really need that in your life? Do you think you could get along just fine without a giant spike that sticks out of a big fat elephant's face I mean how does that factor into your status in society you know and I got to say I'm primarily

speaking to the Asian folks right now and I'm pissed at you okay because it's mostly the Asian marketplace based on what I've seen in the news that demands this ivory crap

so yeah I'm pissed I'm singling you out I'm pissed and anyone else. But primarily, it seems, the main market for ivory is in China and Japan, and for some reason the Asians have a hard on for ivory. Really? Did you need that? Oh, look what I got. I got a giant white, like a tooth.

It'd come out of an elephant face. Look at it, hanging on my wall. We carve a picture in it. Oh, I'm such a big man. Look at me. I'm prosperous. I got status in society, man. I got elephant, part of elephant face hanging on wall.

Oh, I carve a little picture in the ivory. Holy smoke. Look at me, tough guy. Me a big man on campus. I got giant toothpick out of elephant face. Up yours. man. Anyone caught with ivory that should bend them over, take that ivory, and you know what? Yeah!

Yab-dab-da-da-do! Come on, man. Why do you need it? And elephants in Africa getting poached. These moron guys, I don't care if you're living in squalor. I don't care if you got nothing. I don't like you. I don't like people who just, you know,

You know what? I don't got nothing. I'm poor. I got a rifle. That's what I got. I'm going to walk up to that majestic animal, roaming around in the wild. I'm going to get as close as I can. Put a freaking bullet right through the side of his face. This giant 50-ton animal. I'm going to hack his ivory off and just leave them for the maggots. All I want is is ivory. I'm going to destroy this. magnificent creature, so some jackass in China can hang a tusk on his wall. Does any of that make sense, man? Humans can be so damn stupid sometimes, a lot of the time.

Smart and up. And I'm ragging on the Asians. And you know what, if you're Asian and you're listening to this and you have relatives in China, or you have relatives or connections or you know anybody who has ivory why don't you just call them up and say knock that shit off man you're not cool

you don't have status you're your moron there so that's my question of the day why does anyone need ivory there's only one guy that should have ivory. We should create a government position, the ivory master. Okay? And he's got the biggest tusk that's ever been poached. It was confiscated from a poacher's boat. And he stands there with a black mask over his head, little eye holes. It's like the guy

that used to chop heads off back in medieval England, the beheader. So now we've got a tusker. And anyone caught with ivory, this guy bends him over a stoop. and takes his tusk and rams it where the sun don't shine. Right in the public square, right in front of a cheesecake factory, right in front of Kmart or Walmart, where everyone can see it, and then go buy stuff that's on sale. So there you go. Not a happy question of the day, an angry question of the day,

but nonetheless, a very important Harland Highway. Question of the day, sir. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, so we had a funny story with the fly, and then question of the day was like angry, like, God, infuriating. Now, how about a story that's both funny and infuriating? We split the difference, and we combine the two. It's like mint chocolate chip, ice cream.

You're combining chocolate chips with mint. So here's the scenario, man. I go see a horror movie like last weekend, okay? I go see that. There's this movie out called Mama. M.M.A. I think it's spelled. And it's a movie about these two lost kids and they're lost in a cabin

and some haunted, like, ghost of a mother's been mothering them. It's pretty weird It's actually kind of freaky So I go on Saturday night with a friend And we got there late We got there late But it's like reserve seating Okay, you can reserve your seats

So we get our tickets We go in and the theater's packed The movie's already started And we walk up And we're having trouble finding our seats And it looks like we got separate seats Like the guy didn't tell us Our seats weren't together

and it looked like people were in our seats and we were like up in the middle. Middle towards the back, I would say, okay? And so we can kind of see it's dark. You know how it is when you're walking to a dark theater. You're like an idiot with a blindfold on. And so we can't really see our seats and we're like, oh, God, we're right in the middle.

Do we want to wander through everyone? The movie started. And the theater was pretty full. And we looked down to the front, and in the second row from the screen, there was like nine empty seats. And we're just like, you know what? Forget it. Let's just go. I hate sitting in the front.

I haven't sat in the front in probably 30 years. I don't like sitting in the front. But let's go do it. Let's just take the easy way out. So we go down, we plop in these front seats. And I'm in the mindset. It's like, you know what? this was kind of a last-minute deal.

We didn't really want to see this movie, but nothing else was out. And we thought, ah, what the hell? We'd rather see this than, like, boring-ass zero-dark-thirty. Right? So we plop down in the seats. And in front of us is a line, in the very first row, is a line of African-American kids. There must have been about 12, 12 of them maybe, maybe 13.

And it looked like they were like age, from about, you know, maybe 11 to like maybe 15. And we sit down and this horror movie's gone. And right away, we notice that these kids are being very chatty and commenting and laughing and giggling and pretty much talking out loud. Okay? And I'm in a weird mood. I'm a movie aficionado.

I cannot stand it when people make noise. Talk, get on their cell phone. I love and respect the movies too much and I hate any distractions. But for some reason, these kids caught me on a good night because, like I said, we were late. I didn't necessarily want to see the movie, blah, blah, blah. So for some reason, their ruckus wasn't bothering me that much.

But I get tell it was irritating the rest of the whole theater. And I'm the type of guy. I don't pull any punches. I'm like, hey, shut your reaction. I thought about it. I thought about leaning over and going, hey, kids, hey, shut it. But for some reason, I don't know what it was. I was feeling like, no, they're kind of making me laugh a bit.

Like, they're creating a kind of a fun energy. And then I started thinking about that stereotype where you've probably heard it. You might have experienced it. African American people, some of them, a sect of them, are very vocal during movies. You know, a lot of times you'll see African Americans get more involved, yelling at the screen, laughing, out, talking. And it's just a thing. I don't know why they do it.

I don't know why it happens, but they do it. Again, I don't like it. I think it's disrespectful. I think it's ignorant of the other people who paid money to see a movie. but for whatever reason these kids caught me on the one night of my life where I was like kind of into it I don't know why maybe it's because I sit right up front or whatever and so these kids started chiming in whenever there was a scary scene

or someone was about to jump out of a closet these kids are like oh my god what's you doing oh no no girl oh don't don't you go there oh no right So I was like, you know what, if you can't beat them, join them. And, you know, I do a lot of voice work. So I was like, you know what, I'm just going to pretend I'm part of their group because I was sitting right behind them, right in the middle of them, me and my friend.

And I thought, you know, when they chime in, I'm going to chime in. Except I'm going to do, like, the best, like, you know, black dude voice that I can do. And so every time they were like, oh, don't open that closet. no, you didn't. I would wait till the monster came out. Everyone would scream and I'd just go, oh, hell no. Right? And these kids

these kids were like, it's like a cannon went off. These kids like jumped out of their sit. They spun their heads around and here's this kind of middle-aged white guy sitting there. Oh, hell no. And this just tickled their funny bone.

They were like laughing their asses. off and this just got me going even more and now I'm like chiming in I chimed in through the whole movie with these kids and I felt like a jackass but it's like no one was going to stop these kids so I'm kind of like playing along and I'm like oh girl no you oh no oh girl oh what's she doing up in that you know I'm just like coming up with phrases and And these kids are going berserk. And what's interesting is nobody in the whole theater, nobody around these kids said anything to them.

These kids just kept going and going and going. And three quarters of the way through the movie, literally with about 20 minutes left. I guess someone had gone out and asked the management to come in. So a manager comes in. It's this kind of pudgy Latino, half-white, half-latino guy. and this girl and they look terrified and they walk up to the kids and crouch down

and their body language is very submissive kind of like a geisha girl handing a plate of tea over oh he's your tea please have the tea you take it a tea this guy kind of crouches down he goes um kids you're gonna have to stop talking you're disturbing the other patrons I'm gonna have to ask you to leave is that

okay? Like, he was almost like asking their permission. Instead of being authoritative, authoritative. God, I have trouble speaking. It's like, hey, kids, knock this shit off or you're out. There's other people here. And believe it or not, the kids shut up right after that. I mean, that was all it took. Like, all 13 of them were just silent for the rest of the movie.

But needless to say, it was a lot of fun. I feel bad that I was kind of egging them on. I was chiming in. I don't normally do that. I was just in that mood. I was in the weird seats. And I think part of it stems back to when I was a kid, I think one of the first times I ever got a huge laugh from the public was I think I've told this story before many years ago on the public.

podcast about when I was a kid and I saw the original movie, have you checked the children? And I was yelling some perfectly placed bombs, heckles, if you will, during that horror movie. And I had the whole theater cracking up. Like, I'm talking about everyone in that theater roaring with laughter. I'd yell out a little phrase or something. And that might even be where I got the bug to go, you know what, I could probably do stand. I just made a whole room of strangers laugh. Like, that stuck with me.

That resonated with me. So maybe I was cutting these kids a little slack because it reminded me of me a little bit. Still obnoxious. I apologize. But I did have fun being the mysterious African-American dude sitting in the dark going, oh, hell no.

Every time a monster was about to jump out of a closet. You might want to try it. It's fun. Next time you're at a horror, but just do one. With dudes, ladies, with your deepest voice, just one. Someone's about to get stabbed or murdered or a ghost is about to scare someone. Just before it happened, just go, oh, hell no. It is fun, I promise you.

And if you get kicked out, too bad, you deserve it. So there we go. We end on the mix. hybrid, the crossbreed, of funny and infuriating at the same time. But nonetheless, good times. Thank you for being here. Don't forget, watch Conan tonight, unless I've been cut or canceled or moved, which is possible.

If I'm not on there, that's the reason why. We'll talk about it another day. And don't forget, check out my new special folks. I know I keep bringing it up, but I'm so excited about it. I'm trying to do something fresh and new with stand-up comedy. So I'm not apologizing for it. I'm just like, you've probably heard it a lot. But check it out.

It's a digital download on iTunes, or you can order a hard copy at Amazon.com. And it's called Force of Nature. It's me doing stand-up out in the middle of the Mojave Desert, the middle of the day with no audience. It's crazy. It's fun. It's different.

Get it. Share it with your friends. Don't forget, check out Harlow Williams.com. Check my stand-up comedy schedule. Yes, indeed. I will be in Cleveland, Ohio, February 7th through the 9th at Hilarities Comedy Club. Be there or be a square. And then the following weekend, Valentine's Day players, February 14th to the 16th in San Diego, California.

Great City. It's the American Comedy Co. uh right downtown amazing you're going to love it uh so we hope we see you there and uh that's it that's all we got time for you can write me at harlan williams dot com or you can call leave a message at 323 739 4330 and uh if you don't then oh hell no uh and until next time everybody Chicken, Chalmy, baby. Ow!