The Harland Highway - 470: A visit with my boss Mr. Featherstone. Noisy babies.

Episode Date: February 18, 2013

Harland gets called up to his bosses office Mr. Featherstone, crying babies, the medal of honor, and the gayest thing ever. Sand band grand slamb!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

chunky monkey chunky monkey i want to be a chunky monkey don't know what that means wish i could take it back uh welcome everybody uh welcome to the harland highway i am your host harland williams and this is the craziest highway in the world man it goes to places you've never dreamed of um we are going to be talking about some crazy ass things play us oh yeah we're going to be uh i got to go visit my boss today mr featherstone i'm hoping it's good news a raise uh something some ratings news i don't know very excited to go see my boss mr featherstone um we're going to be talking about babies and are they appropriate should babies be allowed to go wherever they want should people be bringing their babies to places i don't know and then what's the gayest thing you've ever seen?

I think I might have seen the gayest thing ever. I'm going to talk about my sighting of what I believe in my life to be the gayest thing I've ever seen. Way to you hear. And then lastly, we're going to be talking about the Medal of Honor and our soldiers and the sacrifice they make and how babies might ruin that. Oh, stop crying a big baby.

It's only the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You are causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.

Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes.

Kaboom! Hey, are you gay? Huh? Nice way to start the podcast, dude. Hey, are you gay, he says. Well, are you? Sure, there's a lot of gay people out there. And, uh, you know, we see it demonstrated all the time, uh, on TV. shows and movies, parades in the street, the gay movement, you know, it's part of our

culture, it's part of our society, and being that it is, we're exposed to the gay lifestyle all the time. I mean, you may see a couple walking down the street, two guys, two girls, holding hands, whatever. But as a straight person, you know, you know there's a difference between, you know, gay activity and straight activity. Just as the gay community knows, there's a difference between straight activity and gay activity. You know, when it comes to matters of the heart, romance and sexuality and things like that,

and sometimes we straight people get exposed to that. And so I want to share with you probably, one of the gayest things I've ever seen in my life. And I'm saying that because it was two gay guys sitting together. I was at a bar with a friend. We're having a little snack. And sitting at the bar were two gentlemen that were clearly together. They're wearing nice sweaters and they're very quaffed and, you know,

kind of had that gay couple look going on. and what really sealed the deal. And this is imagery that, you know, we've all seen the gay pride parade footage where full-grown men are, you know, stomping down the street in chaps and, you know, leather hats and leather vests and, you know, who knows what else. And although that could be perceived as being very gay-looking, this trumped at all.

Uh, these two gents, these two, uh, friends, lovers, partners, whatever, we're sitting at the bar in their sweaters. I casually looked over and there was a martini glass, okay, filled to the rim with chocolate. And surrounding the base of the martini glass were some large, ripe strawberries. And here were two grown men, gay, tipping strawberries and chocolate, and eating them together. Now, I'm just saying that's probably one of the gayest things I've ever seen, because, you know, that type of thing is very intimate. It's a romantic thing. You know, people don't sit around and dip strawberries into chocolate when they're watching the football game

or watching, you know, CSI. You don't order that at a restaurant very often. I mean, some places you do, but it's kind of a romantic thing. And the reason why it caught me off guard is because I've never seen two men do it. Of course they do it. If you're gay, you're going to do romantic things.

The same way straight people will do romantic things. But it caught me off guard. I've never seen two men, and these were, You know, men, they were strapping men, delicately dipping strawberries into chocolate together and eating it. I just, you know, I'm not knocking them. I'm not, you know, disparaging them. I'm just like, like, it's imagery that knocked me off my guard.

It didn't compute for a second. I was like, wait, error, air, like, it was like confused. And I went, oh, yeah, a couple of gay guys. Sure, they want romance just like everyone else. But what I'm saying is I think because of the delicacy of it, the softness of the chocolate and, you know, you always perceive strawberries and chocolate to be the work of a seductress.

You know something's going down when the ladies, He pulls out the strawberries and chocolate or the strawberries and whipped cream, and there's some dipping going on. So to see two men doing it just threw me for a bit of a loop. You know, look, let's be honest, the first time you probably saw gay pride where men were marching down the street with balloons and floats and feathers and leather chaps and chains. if you tell me that didn't kind of throw you off a little bit the very first time you saw it, I'd probably say you're lying. You could say, oh, yeah, it's totally natural, it's fine. Yeah, it is.

They're doing their thing, whatever. I'm not challenging that or questioning that. I'm just saying for sheer imagery. This one threw me off, man. So there you go. The gayest thing I've ever seen. What's the gayest thing you've ever seen? And keep it clean.

gang. If you can or not, look, I asked. And I'm asking straight people, you know what, even gay people, you know, I've heard gay people go, oh, that's so gay. Are you kidding? How gay is that? I've heard gay people use the word gay and reference gay. So you know what?

What's the gayest thing you've ever seen? Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to hear if you can trump the strawberries dipped in chocolate at the bar from a martini glass. 323-739-4330, or you can write me at harlandwiliams.com, the gayest thing you've ever seen. There you go. Well, I just got handed a memo here from Roger. This is for me.

Yeah. From who? Mr. Featherstone? Oh, God. What does he want me for? What? All right, I'm reading the memo. Don't flip me off through the window. What's the matter with you?

Oh, God, look at this. He wants... Why does he want me up in his office? That's all this memo says. Come to my office, Jack Wad. Why does he call me names? So now I got to go up to his office? Can I do it after the show?

He wants me there now. Great. Okay, well, you know what? I'm taking the... I'm taking the... pavement pounders with me i mean they're part of this uh show and uh they're they're coming up with me okay i'm going all right folks i have to uh pay a little visit to my boss mr featherstone i don't know what it's about you heard it i just got a memo he wants to see me upstairs what

yes jack wad roger so here we go let's let's head up to my boss's office see what the heck he wants in the middle of my podcast. We're going to visit Mr. Featherstone. Stop calling me Jack Wad. Okay, well, here I am upstairs at my boss's office just outside in the lobby. Hi, Debbie. There's his secretary. Hi, yeah.

Yeah, I know he wants to see me. So I'm getting ready to go in. I don't know what he wants. Uh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, uh, I, I, uh, I, uh, Mr. Uh, Hello, uh, Featherstone. Hello, how are you? Uh, great, sir. What I mean is who are you? Uh, it's me, sir, Harland? Who? Harland, sir.

How. How... How... Harlan, sir. What? How... Harland. Harland.

Harland. Harland Williams, sir. Sir, it's Harlan Williams. All right, stop yelling at me. You can't say your name properly. Sir, it's Harlan Williams. All right, whatever, whoever you are, sit out, what do you want? Well, you sent a memo downstairs, sir.

I did? Yes, to the Harlan Highway of the podcast. Oh, that's smoking pile of muscocks turned. Excuse me? You heard me now. I got to talk to you. Okay, sir, what's going on? Well, I've had a lot of complaints.

Well, I don't know what that means. Well, you ever heard of a complaint before? Yes. That's when people. think you're a piece of crap well now sir that's a little harsh you're a piece of crap okay sir i didn't come up here to be bereaded i don't know what that means but it's probably something you do down at your funny little bars excuse me you know your funny little bars you go to what little bars oh you know like the rusty barrel excuse me the rusty barrel with all your friends the guy friends

What? Uh-huh. Excuse me? Uh-huh. Sir, what are you trying to say? I'm saying the people are complaining that you're a podcast or whatever the hell you call it. Yeah, it's a podcast.

Whatever. People are depressed. Okay, they're saying you're not funny. It's February. Everybody's got the February blah blah blahs. What are the blah blah blahs, sir? You know, when people get depressed in the middle of February they got the February blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah you mean the February blues

something like that wise crackens wise crackens that's what I called you I say blah blah blah blah blah blah and you say blue to me and nothing more than a four dollar wisecrackens okay what is all this about sir I don't know if I buy this whole everyone's depressed thing oh what have you been hacking into my emails there uh Captain Crunch cunt. Excuse me? You heard me. You've been hacking into my emails, have you?

No, I haven't. Well, then I'll tell you what's depressed, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What are you talking about, Mr. Featherstone? People don't like your show because it's not funny and they're getting depressed. Now, you've got to get funny. If you put as much effort into being funny as you put into going down to the swollen fire hydrant. Excuse me? Yeah, you know that funny little bar downtown, the swollen fire hydrant?

I've never heard of that bar, sir. Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh. Are you trying to say I'm gay? You ever dipped strawberries in a chocolate glass with your friends? What friends? You're funny little friends at the coconut walnut factory.

What? Uh-huh. Stop doing that. Uh-huh. Well, sir, I think I'm a little confused here. I'll say you are. And stop intimidating that I'm like men. I didn't say you like men.

You probably love men. All over your greased up body with olive oil. Stop it. Now, listen, you better get funny. I'm canceling your podcast. Well, what do you mean? You just get funny. You just can't snap your phone.

fingers. I'm doing my best, sir. Well, maybe we've got to switch gears. Meaning? Meaning, we got to put in more fart stuff. What do you mean more fart stuff? Like, people laugh when you fart on stuff. I don't think so, sir.

Let me give you an example. You have a fart on a baby's forehead? What? Babies have the softest foreheads like tapioca pudding. You fart on them. And holy God, people love it. No, they don't. You don't fart on a baby.

How about this? You have a fart in a fountain? A what? A fountain. You know, people throw coins in the water. They make wishes. Well, what you do is you fart in the water fountain, and you make a wish.

That is disgusting. Kids play in that, sir. Yeah, well, you probably play down at the crumpled-up, Cabbage leaf. What the hell is that? Oh, you know what it is. One of your bars downtown. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Stop doing that with your throat. How about did you ever go to the grocery store and you fart in a TV dinner? What do you mean? You know, the frozen dinners, you pull them out, open the box, fart inside all over a Salisbury steak or a, you know, turkey dinner. macaroni and cheese, then you close it up and put it back in. That's disgusting.

Yeah, until the people get home, open it, and the fart blows out in the face. It's hilarious. Now, you're going to get... Hold on. Oh, geez, I got a call coming in. You know what? Start thinking about farting. I got to take this call.

Get the hell out of here. Yeah, get out of here. I've got to take this. Unbelievable. This guy wants me to fart on. stuff. I'm not doing it. I'm not farting on stuff. Betty, tell him I'm not farting on stuff. Betty? Betty, are you awake? Oh, well, looks like she's asleep. Yet somehow she's still typing. I don't know. I'm not

doing it, folks. I'm going back down to the podcast studio. I'm not farting on anything. Come on. Let's get back to the show. Wow. Okay. That's unbelievable. I'm walking back into my studio. What an idiot. I don't even know if he listens to this podcast. It sounds like he doesn't even know what it is barely. All I know is that he pays for the damn thing. Guy wants me to fart on a baby. Going back in the studio, getting back to the show. Roger, what are we doing? What? What do you mean? Look on my chair.

What the hell is this on my chair? I know it's a baby. Why the hell is there a baby on my chair? You've got to be. He sent this baby down? Oh, no. No way. I am not farting on that baby's forehead.

Are you sick? What do you mean, a pink slip? Oh, great. Roger's giving me the signal through the window like he's got a finger, and he's cutting it across my throat. Like what? That's the end of the podcast? You've got to be kidding me.

He wants me to really fart on the baby's forehead. Okay. Oh, my God. No, I don't want to be fired. And can you stop yelling through the glass with your hand signals, Roger? This is unreal. This guy, say, let's get it over with. Let's get it over.

Is it everything miced up in the room here? All right. Folks, I apologize. I'm about to fart on a baby's forehead, okay? This is unbelievable. This is a new low, but this is coming from the boss man upstairs. If I don't fart on this baby's forehead,

and I guess I'm supposed to make you people laugh, I'm out. The podcast is over. Wow. Can I get, is this like even legal? Can I get into trouble? All right, let's just do it. Unbelievable. I got a baby sitting in my chair. I'm getting close to its forehead. Oh, God, is it a boy or a girl?

Okay, I guess it doesn't matter. I'm hovering. Oh, my God. I'm hovering right over the child. I'm just a millimeter away from its forehead. Hang on, gang. Ah, gah! Ah, here comes. Oh, God. Oh, God, the kid's crying. He's crying.

Oh, my God. His forehead's all ran. It's swelling up. There's a welt on his forehead. What? Another one? No, no, no way. This kid, what?

I'm fired? Oh, God. I'm sorry. Kid, whoever you are, I'm sorry for this. Hang on. Ah, oh God, his nose is bleeding. Oh, go to a commercial, Roger. Go to a commercial. Hey, everybody.

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I can't believe I'm being held captive to Mr. Featherstone's ideas of what comedy is. And I know you folks are appalled and disgusted and you're like, I'm not tuning in. I'm abandoning this podcast. He farted on a little baby's forehead. I get it. but I'm asking you to stay. This is my boss's idea of what's funny, of comedy. Not me.

Okay? Please. Give me a chance. I'm going to try and somehow get away from this. God, that poor kid, there's a time and a place for babies. And I'll tell you, on that note, let's switch gears. On that note,

there is a time and a place for babies. And there's a time when, you know what, folks, if you have a baby, really think about do you want to bring the baby out when you go to particular places? Do you really want to take your baby to a movie? Do you really want to take your baby to a really nice restaurant where most people that go there have made a decision to go there because it's like, you know what, this is a special night. This is the night we go to the special restaurant, the expensive restaurant, and we buy the expensive meal.

We're celebrating something. We're treating ourselves. So you don't want to go into a fancy restaurant with that type of mindset, and at the table beside you, there's a seven-month-old baby. These shrimp scallops are horrible. The hell's a shrimp scallop. What did they just combine two seafoods together? God. And case in point, how about this?

This kind of upset me the other day, but it's a touchy subject. I'm watching the president of the United States, Barack Obama, give the Medal of Honor. to a soldier that went through holy hell in Afghanistan. He saved a platoon. He ran through Al-Qaeda's. He ran through the Taliban. There were people shooting at him.

He got in a truck. He dragged a body. He jumped over rocks and logs. He saved like 32 guys. And so after putting his life on the line and being a hero, he gets the Medal of Honor. He comes to the White House and everyone's there And the president gives them the highest award

You know A soldier could receive a person in combat could receive And here's a little sample Of what that type of ceremony is like It's dignified It's emotional It's intense It's raw

It's a lot of things because you're dealing with soldiers that lost their lives. You're dealing with a hero who put his life in the line of fire and save some of the soldiers. I mean, it's incredible. It's a powerful, powerful moment. And on top of that, you're bestowing an award on a guy who put other people's lives ahead of his own life. He didn't care. He's like, I don't care. I'm going to save those people.

I might get shot in the face doing it. I'm going to save them. And to do it, that is a moment to be treasured and revered and cherished. And here's a little sample of the intensity and the seriousness of this type of ceremony. Here's the president. And we see the devotion of citizens who put on the uniform, who kiss their families goodbye. We're willing to lay down their lives so that we can live ours. in peace and in freedom.

No words will ever be truly worthy of their service. And no honor can ever fully repay their sacrifice. But on days such as this, we can pay tribute. We can express our gratitude, and we can thank God that there are patriots and families such as these. Very eloquent, very intense, very serious, beautifully said by the president, and now cut in, factor in the baby element. So I'm watching a soldier get the Medal of Honor the other day.

On live TV, national, coast to coast, maybe beamed around the whole world, for all I know. It was on CNN and Fox and it could be all over the world. The Taliban might be watching it in Afghanistan. They're like, there's the motherfucker that, oh, that bastard. No, we don't want to give him no medal of honor. How about medal of camel pooh? And so here's this guy, the soldiers on stage.

He's on the edge of tears. People in the audience are crying. Parents, soldiers, families of the deceased. And someone thought it would be great to bring the babies to this thing. And maybe it's the soldier's babies for all. I know. Maybe it's the guy who's getting the award. It could be his babies. It could be his sister's babies.

It could be the president's babies. I don't care whose babies they are. Maybe not the right venue for an out of control crying baby. And here's what happens. See if you can hear it, because I certainly did. As this guy's having a speech made about him, they're detailing his acts of valor, his heroism. Here's babies.

crying all over this guy's shining moment in the sun on live national television. This guy ran through minefields and gunfire and hellfire and rocket launchers, and now he gets this moment

and babies are crying all over it. Have a listen. See if you can hear the aggravating babies. The president of the United States of America authorized by Act of Congress March 3rd, 1863, has awarded in the name of Congress the Medal of Honor

to Staff Sergeant Clinton L. Romache, United States Army for conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty. Staff Sergeant Clinton L. Romache distinguished himself by acts of gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty while serving as a section leader with Bravo Troop, 3rd Squadron, 61st Cavalry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team,

brigade combat team, 4th Infantry Division, during combat operations against an armed enemy at combat outpost Keating, Camdesh District, Nuristan Province, Afghanistan on October 3rd, 2009. On that morning, Staff Sergeant Romishay and his comrades awakened to an attack by an estimated 300 enemy fighters occupying the high ground on all four sides of the complex, employing concentrated fire from recoilless rifles, rocket propelled grenades, anti-aircraft machine guns, mortars, and small arms fire. Staff Sergeant Romache moved uncovered under intense enemy fire to conduct a reconnaissance of the battlefield and seek reinforcements from the barracks before returning to action with the support of an assistant gunner. Staff Sergeant

Romishay took out an enemy machine gun team and while engaging a second the generator he was using for cover was struck by a rocket propelled grenade inflicting him with shrapnel wounds. Undeterred by his injuries, Staff Sergeant Romishay continued to fight and upon the arrival of another soldier to aid to aid him and the assistant gunner, he again rushed through the exposed avenue to assemble additional soldiers. Staff Sergeant Romishay then mobilized a five-man team and returned to the fight equipped with a sniper rifle. With complete disregard for his own safety, Staff Sergeant Romishay continually exposed himself to heavy enemy fire as he moved confidently about the battlefield,

engaging and destroying multiple enemy targets, including three Taliban fighters who had breached the combat outposts perimeter. While orchestrating a successful plan to secure, secure and reinforce key points of the battlefield, Staff Sergeant Romache maintained radio communication with the tactical operations center. As the enemy forces attacked with even greater ferocity, unleashing a barrage of rocket-propelled grenades and recoil-less rifle rounds, Staff Sergeant Romishay identified the point of attack and directed air support to destroy over 30 enemy fighters.

After receiving reports that seriously injured soldiers were at a distant battle position, Staff Sergeant Romishay and his team provided covering fire to allow the injured soldiers, to safely reach the aid station. Upon receipt of orders to proceed to the next objective, his team pushed forward 100 meters under overwhelming enemy fire to recover and prevent the enemy fighters from taking the bodies of their fallen comrades.

Staff Sergeant Romichet's heroic actions throughout the day-long battle were critical in suppressing an enemy that had far greater numbers. His extraordinary efforts gave Bravo Troop the opportunity to regroup, reorganize, and prepare for the counter-attack that allowed the troop to account for, its personnel and secure combat

outpost Keating. Staff Sergeant Romichet's discipline and extraordinary heroism above and beyond the call of duty reflect great credit upon himself, Bravo Troop, 3rd Squadron, 61st Cavalry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry

Division, and the United States Army. Okay. Did you hear it? Did you hear them? The babies? And it was louder when I was watching it on TV, believe me. I mean, they sounded almost a little muted there, but when you're watching on TV, they were triple that volume.

And, you know, here's this guy, you know, getting all these accolades, and they're recounting his heroics, and these babies are stepping all over the moment. These selfish, self-absorbed, egotistical babies, It's all about me. Ra! What about me? Right? All right.

The babies don't have a clue, but the adults do. And it's like, you know what, folks? Maybe leave the baby home during the Medal of Honor ceremony on national television, on international live television. Maybe leave them with the grandparents. Maybe drop them off at a bus shelter. maybe pass them through a drive-thru window on the way to the award ceremony. Hi, sir, what can we get you?

Nothing, but you're going to have these kids. What? I mean, or do someone step out into the hall? Let this hero who put his life on the line have his moment, please. And I'm sorry, you know, even if it's the kid, the soldier's babies, they're not going to remember. They're not going to grow up. when they hit 18.

Yo, dad, remember that time you got that medal of honor thing? What with that, man? Man, they didn't even serve crackers or snacks and nothing in that shit. So, there you go. There you go. Babies, find your place and relax. Or I'm going to fart on your forehead. Okay, now let's go of and beyond, above and beyond the,

the baby beef can we just for a minute at all take a moment whether you hate the establishment whether you're anti-establishment anti-military anti-government or whether you love the government whatever your frame of mind can we just

all take a moment and acknowledge the living hell and the heroism that soldiers go through you know it all seems so far away It all seems like a video game. Did you hear what that guy went through? Now, this is the type of combat they deal with on a daily basis.

Okay? They're dealing with dodging death every day. But for this guy to go above and beyond and run across and open sight lines and do what he did. I mean, go listen to it again. I mean, this guy, you know, just how many of you would just, how many of you would just, do one of the things he did. This guy did like 20 different things that are

like, are you kidding me? Who does that? I'll tell you who does it, folks. The very brave, brave, brave, incredible men and women in the military. And in this case, the U.S. military,

but in militaries all over the world. And when I say that, I'm talking about civilized, peace-loving countries. I'm not praising the North Korean military or the Taliban or the Iraqi, you know, the Iraqi Supreme Guard or whatever they're called. So, come on. Round of applause. I mean, you've got to give it to these American soldiers, man.

I mean, a baby's probably the worst of their terrors. But pretty moving stuff. Folks, leave the baby at home for the wedding, for the funeral, for the ward ceremony. Just, you know, hang in the jolly jumper, put it up in a tree. Let it bounce around with some caterpillars and a couple of birds. Leave it some seeds. It can bite into the tree and drink the sap if it gets thirsty. Just leave the baby.

It can do its droppings from up in the Jolly Jumper. It can drop on the ground like owl poo. So there you go. So we end the show on a high note yet a low note. Annoying babies, but American heroes, American soldiers. God bless them. And God bless you folks for tuning in to the Harland Highway. We're at the end, man.

We're at the end. Thank you for being here. Don't forget, please pick up my brand new comedy special. I'm so proud of it. I'm so excited about it. Harlan Williams, a force of nature. Shot in the middle of the desert. I won't give you the rest of the spiel.

That's all you need to know. Shot in the middle of the desert. Okay? If that isn't enough for you to go get it, it's at iTunes, you can do it as a digital download. You can get it on Amazon. You can order it from my website, harlornwilliams.com. Also, if you want to write us, harlornwilliams.com,

if you want to call us and leave a phone message, 323-739-4-330. Okay, please do that. And let's talk about where I'm going to be live. Oh, you know it. Say hello to Florida, okay, Thursday, March, Thursday, February 28th, right through to March the 3rd. I'll be at the Hard Rock Casino in Fort Lauderdale, Florida at the Improv Comedy Club. It's going to be awesome. So come on out, man.

Come on out, and partay. It's going to be good. So we'll see you there. don't forget you can pick up merchandise at the harland harland williams dot com store and uh you can also download my free app at harland app.com and uh well that's it man there's a mouthful so uh until next time everybody you know what i'm about to say don't interrupt it i said don't interrupt it don't interrupt here we go

Chicken, Chalmain, baby.