The Harland Highway - 472: Michelle Obama on the PARSLEY PAPERS, fake crying

Episode Date: February 25, 2013

1st lady Michelle Obama is interviewed on the Parsley Papers today, Fake crying to get your money, Wristband fever, the question of the day. Tumble your bumble!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Break her nine, breaker nine. Come back, good buddy. We got us a podcast. He-ha! How are you, gang? Welcome to the Harland Highway. This is your host, Harlem Williams. Coming at you.

What a show we have today. We got the Harland Highway Question of the Day, big one today. We're going to be talking about wristbands. Do you ever go to a club and have to slap up? on one of those stupid wristbands. It's quite the ordeal. I'm going to get into that crap. Crying?

What the hell is up with the crying? We all cry. But have you heard about, have you seen a commercial, a TV commercial where maybe someone's crying? Yeah, more like manipulating. I've had enough of it. I'm going to get into it today. And then lastly, oh my God.

First Lady Michelle Obama is on the show today. She is being interviewed on the Harland Highway, not by me, unfortunately, but by Charles Parsley. He is the host of the Parsley Papers, which is exclusive to this podcast. So get ready for the Parsley Papers and an intriguing, provocative interview with First Lady Michelle Obama. Unbelievable.

What a scoop right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.

Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams In 30 seconds you'll be dead

Then I'll blow this place up And be home in time for cornflakes Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Back it up Bring it down Bring it down

Back it up I'm at the club I'm at the club I'm at the club I'm at the club Yeah I'm at the club Can you hear me Did you hear me okay?

Kind of loud in here, isn't it? Kind of glad we came in here to have a talk. Can you hear me? Oh, God. Anybody go to the club on the weekend? Who went to the club? You ever notice when you're going into a nightclub? You know, one of these nightclubs with the music and the dancing

and the kids and the drinking? Oh, oh, oh, oh. uh you a lot of these clubs you go uh to enter and all of a sudden they're like yeah man you got put on a wristband excuse me yeah you got put on a wristband we got we got to put a wristband on you a what band a wristband yeah that's right a wristband why do i need a wrist band or or worse yet yeah we need to stamp your wrist we we need to get a stamp on you You know the way they stamp the Jewish people When they went into the concentration camps

We got to identify We got to stamp you We got to tattoo your skin We got to single you out Excuse me Creepy It is kind of weird Like you know

You show up at the club You've paid your money Or you've passed the people That are at the entrance Excuse me, which ways the club that way? Go ahead. Oh, but before you go in here, put this wristband

that's impossible to get off on. Huh? Or I'm sure you probably just had a shower and you put body lotion on, you got all spiffed up for the club. Let me just stab some ink into your flesh. Let me brand you for the evening. I'm sure you don't mind.

That should compliment your look. A nice big, a ink pad tattoo of a skull or a cherry bomb or something? What the hell? Where do they get off doing that to you, man? And so afterwards, you're up in your hotel room or you're at home and you're like, what the hell's on my wrist? You're sitting there at 4 in the morning, drunk, soap and water, vinegar,

rubbing alcohol, turpentine, scrubbing the stamp off you're on. because you don't know what you don't want your boyfriend or girlfriend to know where you were last night what the hell's that on your arm what that stamp what is that oh i don't know i must have fell and bruised it oh sure it looks like a cherry bomb were you at that club no no no no no no no no it's a bruise baby I don't know You smell like cigarettes and alcohol And girls I must have fell in some cigarettes

Booze and girls Oh okay What about that That wristband they give you What is that made out of that thing? Is it paper? Is it plastic? Is it fiberglass? Is it hemp? I mean this thing

I don't know what kind of fabric it is. It's like nothing you've ever seen. You don't see that on anything else. It's like it looks and feels like paper, but you try to rip it. It's like peeling your own flesh off your body. You can't rip the stuff. So then you start pulling it.

And it hurts your wrist. You're like, damn, I can't get this thing off. And what's even worse is when they put it on, no one looked at it when you went in. No one was like, can I see a wristband, please? Let me see a wristband. Suddenly you got this stupid thing on you, like you're a four-year-old at a children's party.

Okay, everyone with the wristbands over here, and the children without the wristbands over here. Line up, children. It's going to be drinking and dancing and all kinds of things. But you have to show us your wristbands, children. oh ma'am i believe it's pronounced wrist spam i'm sorry you're right wrist spam i mean a lot of the times how many you just go to sleep with this thing you're like the last thing you do before you want to go to bed is i'm a tug-of-war with your own you know knuckles and your own wrist you're pulling at this

thing it's like neon pink or green finally you just give up and and you pass out. You wake up in the morning, you get this crinkled up fiberglass. I de-brace it on. Like you're out with the Lance Armstrong Foundation or something. Live strong. But apparently you're not strong enough to rip your own wristband off.

So maybe live stronger, weakling. Very bizarre. But nonetheless, least I got myself into the club. Yeah, do do, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, there's one thing that might be even sadder than wrestling with a wristband from a club. Much, much sadder is commercials nowadays, TV commercials. I don't mean they're sadder in terms of what a drag watching them. It makes me sad.

I mean, they're sad in terms of, have you seen the way TV commercials now are starting to manipulate you? Yeah, when I say sad, they're trying to make you cry now. TV commercials have become more dramatic than movies or soap operas. It is really, really annoying. Now they've got commercials where people are actually, like, tearing up on screen. They're starting to cry. They're telling stories for insurance companies and for charities and for, who knows what else. Travelers checks and credit cards and food stuffs.

Consumer goods, consumer products. Cars, furniture, lawsuits. Oh, yeah, you've seen it. It's horrible. It's a grand manipulation. I mean, some of the best acting I've ever seen. Some of these people are out doing the Oscar-winning movies. That's ridiculous.

Well, I've been living with arthritis for four. 14 years now, and sometimes I can barely pick up my shoes from the bedroom floor. I remember one time I couldn't turn the doorknob, and I had to stay in the bathroom for 14 weeks. I remember once I had a cold, and I almost shot myself with a 52 revolver. I mean, it is disgusting. People with illnesses and the flu. People recounting their insurance stories, or they were out of work or their bank,

help them get a loan. And you've seen them. It's housewives, it's business people, it's women, it's men, growing men tearing up on TV commercials, tugging at our hearts, making us sympathize with these hello actors or making us sympathize with these hello real people that were paid a lot of money to be in a TV commercial don't do it folks don't don't buy

the propaganda okay this crying isn't born of these people have a hard story and someone out there needs to tell the story because they care okay These Academy Award-worthy crying scenes stem from a manipulative corporation where they're trying to get your money and it all leads right back to them in terms of profits. And they know exactly what they're doing. They're tugging at your heartstrings.

Or should I say purse strings? For them it's one and the same. If we tug at their heartstrings, we'll tug at their purse strings. If the watchers, if the consumers, if the viewers get emotional and they make an emotional connection with these people in our commercials, we got them. We've hooked them in.

Are you kidding me? The money leads right back to them, and these guys make a zillion dollars already off of us. It is vile, disgusting. I hate it. Such a mess. You're being conned, you're being hosed. Remember, it's a TV commercial.

Who cries in a TV commercial? TV commercials used to be about Wonderbread and the Pillsbury Do Boy and hostess Ho-House. Cheerios, Disneyland, tampons, Viagra. You don't see anybody crying in a Viagra commercial. Well, unless it's a woman who is walking away from one of the experiences, Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select anything. any one item, it could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But come on, man. Cut the commercials with the cry babies.

There's only one TV commercial in the history of commercials where crying should be allowed. There was a commercial in the 70s where we saw a North American Indian, and this commercial was all about pollution, polluting the water, the air, the land, the sea. and this is probably before there were a lot of pollution controls in the 70s and people were throwing crap out their car windows and blah blah blah blah so it's a clever commercial the commercial starts with an Indian putting a canoe in the water and he's canoeing down

this beautiful river but then the river dumps out into a polluted lake with a polluted shoreline with garbage floating past the bow of his canoe and he gets He pulls up on a beach with bottles and junk and tires and crap. And he walks up the embankment of the river and through some trees and comes out on the side of a highway and there's cars going by and smokestacks. And here's this guy dressed as an Indian, the long hair, the ponytail, the rawhide outfit. And as he's standing on the side of the highway, some jackwad drives by with their fast food bag, throws it out, it blows up at his feet.

Junk food and garbage blast all over his feet. We pan up and the Indian turns to the camera and a tears coming out of his eye. Here it is. Have a little listen of the only real legitimate crying commercial that I think was made for the right reasons to get us all to stop polluting. Some people have a deep, abiding respect for the natural beauty that was once this country.

And some people don't. People start pollution. People can stop it. Okay, so this is one of those commercials. You can see it on YouTube if you want to see what it looks like. It's actually a very well-done commercial, gets the point across. It doesn't go back to a corporation. The proceeds don't funnel back. There's not a paper trail back to corporate greed. This is a commercial aimed at the betterment of the whole planet.

It's aimed at each and every one of us. They're not selling us a product. They're trying to tell us to smarten up. Dummy up, stop polluting. It's quite beautiful, yet sad. at the same time. Go to YouTube and type in the crying Indian pollution commercial or something like that. Now, the only thing that's weird about it, when you look at it, there's two things that strike me.

One, I'm not 100% sure that the Indian is actually an Indian. It looks a little bit like possibly it could be an Indian. He's one of those in-between guys, but possibly could be a white guy with a wig or maybe maybe his hair dyed. You know, somehow he looks like an old British guy to me with long hair. So I'm not 100% sure he's actually a North American Indian. And back in those days, Indians often weren't Indians, as they were portrayed in movies and TV.

They would often put makeup and darken the skin of white people. So you'd be the judge on that. And then the second thing is, I guess from being in the movie industry, it's kind of funny when he turns to the side the last shot of the commercial we pan up he turns his head and there's a tear a lone tear coming out of his right eye and i'm a little suspect about that tear that it's a fake tear because if you look at it it's it just kind of hang in there all by itself and it looks like it's kind of slow and thick and that's and that's That is a movie magic trick where they use some kind of clear syrup, like a corn syrup or something that very often they'll put on an actor's cheek or under his eye to simulate tears. And just based on the way this guy looks,

it definitely looks like it's a fake tear on an old British white guy dressed up as an Indian. But outside of that, I like the message. So there you go. No more crying in commercials to try and manipulate us for our money. Thank you, corporate America. But we will take the North American Indian with the message for all of us to dummy up and stop polluting. The Harland Highway Question of the Day. Okay, the Harlan Highway Question of the Day is, and I feel like I'm a question of,

exposing myself here, gang, but that's what I do. No secrets. The question of the day is, why can't I spell restaurant? Okay? I've been on this planet for a long time. I feel like I'm pretty smart. I'm kind of intelligent maybe. I'm not an idiot. Well, maybe I am. I can't spell restaurant. Maybe I am an idiot. I'm not even joking here. R-E-S-T-S-E-S-T-S. A-R-A-U-N-T. Is that it? Or is it R-E-S-T-R-A-U-A-N-T? It's one of those words, and I may have got it right.

I may not have got it. I don't know. That's the thing. Whenever I spell restaurant, I never know if I'm getting it right. And usually I get it wrong. Let me try and write it out here. Restaurant. R-E-S-T-E-R-E-E-R.

A-U-A-U-R-E-S-T-E-R-A-U-N-T, rest-R-A-U-N-T, or is it rest-A-R-A-R-A-R-A-R-A-R-A-S-T. See, I don't know. I can look it up, but this is why it's why it. the question of the day, because I, after all these years, I consistently spell it wrong. It drives me nuts. And it's one of those words, I think about it, I memorize it, I go, I got it, and then I always forget it, and I always goof it up. That and mountains. Mountains?

Let me see. M-O-U-A-I-N-T-A-I-N-S, Mountains. mountains and captain i can't spell c-a-p-t-a-in captain i'd see question of the day why am i a dumb ass okay i just went from just why can't i spell restaurant to the harland highway question of the day is why am i a dumb ass the harland highway Question of the day Hello everybody, I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to the Parsley Pazley Papers, the exciting news chat show

that dares to take on all comers, politicians, sports figures, celebrities, and newsworthy people alike. So sit back, get ready, to hear the questions that no one dares to ask on the Pazley Papers. Hello everybody, I'm Charles Pazley. We have a very special guest today with us here on the Pazley Papers. First Lady, the wife to the President of the United States of America here on the Pazley Papers.

Michelle Obama is here with us today, and we are going to get right to the chase, ladies and gentlemen. We've heard that Michelle Obama, the first lady, has been having secret affairs at cheap hotel rooms with podcaster Harland Williams. Miss Obama, let me welcome you to the show. And is it true that you have been having cheap, illicit affairs, swinger affairs with Harlan Williams? And if so, where do you do it? I've heard rumors that it's at a place as lowly as the motel six. We always check in.

Check in for what, Miss Obama? Sleepovers. A secretive getaway as if to relieve the pressures of being in the White House. This is like the third week of high school. It sounds very fun and carefree, First Lady Obama. There's so much that goes on. They're the rules and you don't want to clap. It sounds.

Absolutely delicious. I could go on and on and on. Well, then why don't we? Is there any type of boundaries, rules, any type of role playing at all, Miss Obama? You know, he is very good at reinforcing the rules and boundaries that we set. We never get into that, but Dad said, you know. No, actually, I don't know.

I mean, is this a safe practice, Miss Obama? Playing Russian roulette with a lowly podcast like Holland, Williams, are you using any form of protection? Controception. I'm sorry, say that again, please. Controception. And just so the American public is clear, one more time. Controception. My goodness, and since we are here talking about Hall and Williams as a lover, how would

you assess his love-making abilities, Ms. Obama? I don't have much time to analyze and, you know, and I don't look at the tapes afterwards. I really would probably be the worst person to assess his style or his techniques because it's just hard to pay attention to all that. Now there's been stories from the Motel 6 staff, from other patrons of the Motel 6 that on some occasions, Ms. Obama and correct me if I'm wrong here on the Parsley papers that have been full-on orgies and swingers nights in your room with Harlan Williams.

I mean, in the end, this is what we're here for. And is there any truth to the rumor that you've been using food items as sex toys? Vegetables. I beg your pardon, Ms. Obama? Vegetables. My goodness. And where do these people come from that participate in the orgies? They were from all over the world.

You had people from Kenya and people, you know, from Hawaii and people from Kansas and people from, you know, it was a, you know, it was a melting pot. My goodness, Miss Obama. these strangers from all over the world, and to top it off with Harland Williams, I mean, are you trying to imply, Ms. Obama, that perhaps the president of the United States does not have time to satisfy you sexually? If you only get two hours on Saturday. I'm sure we can all understand, Ms. Obama, your frustration with the president flying all over the world and his timing constant to man, but to turn to someone as lowly as

Harland Williams. Is it presumptuous for us to say here at the Paisley papers, Mrs. Obama, that you're just acting out, and perhaps this is a way to get back at your husband, the President Barack Obama, for his lack of attention to you? Oh, absolutely not. So this is just a fling with a low-life podcaster, and you couldn't give a rome. rat's ass about miss obama when you're there i'm just really you know i'm just so focused on it being over and i'm sure our listeners are wondering and we have to ask the question with all due respect here

on the parsley papers first lady obama who is bigger your husband barack obama or podcaster harland william that would kind of be the last thing that i would think of of course you wouldn't but i'm sure our listeners here at the Parsley Papers would love to know if Harlan Williams has to check his monster at the door, if you will, First Lady. He just doesn't have that, so it's not much to check.

That's exactly what we thought. And lastly, First Lady, and it has been a pleasure having you here on the Parsley Papers. Our final question, how much longer? Can this illicit affair with the

orgies and the swingers parties, how much longer can you sustain this kind of debauchery, First Lady? Four decades to come. And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, right out of the First Lady's mouth. We'd like to thank her for being so candid, open and honest. Quite a revealing interview here on the Parsley Pazley papers. Hope you enjoyed it here today. I'm Charles Parsley, and we'll catch you next time.

Here on the Parsley papers. Wow, I got to tell you, that Charles Parsley, he just does a provocative interview. He gets right to it, man. I mean, I don't know if there's anyone that just, you know, goes right for the story, right for the off-limit stuff. My applause to Parsley. Good job. I wouldn't have the Cahonies to ask that type of stuff.

I'd just be too full of respect, and I just, I'd be, I couldn't do it. But wow. Unbelievable. My thanks to Charles Parsley and the Parsley papers, and that brings us right to the end of our show. A few announcements here, gang. Don't forget to check me out. I will be at the improv in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, which is located at the Hard Rock Casino down there in Fort Lauderdale.

I will be there Thursday, February 28th, right through to March 3rd. Unbelievable showroom. We're going to have a great time. And then check me out the following weekend in Dallas, Texas, at Addison Improv. That'll be March 7th through March 10th. And it's going to be a goodie.

It is going to be a goody. Don't forget to get your tickets online. You can go to my website, harlomwilliams.com, and click on the link. Reserve your seats, player. And I'm going to be there selling my new comedy DVD at the back of the room after the shows, autographing it, A Force of Nature. This is my new special where I'm out in the desert, telling my stories, telling my jokes to the world, standing up on a hill in the sunlight.

It's crazy. Please check it out. You can write to me at harlornwilliams.com. You can leave a phone message at 323-739-4-330. Say whatever you need to say. Just don't be too long about it because I can't listen to like five-minute messages. But I love getting your feedback.

And what else can I tell you? Don't forget Harland app. You can get a free app for your phone, which is filled with voices from the characters from this show, from this podcast. Great stuff. Check out Harlow Williams.com. If you want merchandise, t-shirts, books, DVDs, kids books, movies, headshots, all kinds of stuff there if you're a fan. If you're not, you know, just ignore it. So there you go. Those are the announcements, folks. had a great time. Love having you here. Love doing the show for y'all. Y'all. I'm getting ready for my Dallas, Texas improv gig, y'all. So there you go. Have fun. Be good to each other.

And until next time, chicken show me, baby. Thank you.