The Harland Highway - 473: LOVE and how it hurts, TV show SHARK TANK

Episode Date: February 28, 2013

Love can be painful, we discuss, Artists in the courtroom, the question of the day, and TV show SHARK TANK. Roll it and then scroll it!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, how the hell are you, man? I mean, seriously. Like, how the hell are you? Oh, really? Okay, cool. Well, you better be cool because you are here on probably the coolest place on Earth. This is the Harland Highway podcast. Not to be confused with the Harland Highway, blah, blah, blah.

Welcome, I am he, Harlan Williams, your host, and today, Today we are diving into the shark tank. I'm going to tell you about a TV show that I really like that I think is smart and fun and interesting. And you're going to hear a clip of someone who kind of got eaten alive on that show. Also a follow-up to Valentine's Day. Wait a way to you hear this horror story. Oh, my God.

Someone had a horrible Valentine's Day. You're not going to believe it. We have the Harland Highway Question of the Day. And then, are you an artist? Are you an illustrator, a painter? Well, there's a certain type of artist out there that does a very unique and specific type of artwork. Kind of goes under the radar. Today we're going to peel back the sheets and talk about it a bit.

Art, because that's what we're doing here, isn't it, folks? Art, right here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time?

I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead.

I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Fairy tales can come true. They can have them, da, blah, blah. Wow. Sometimes fairy tales don't come true, gang. I got to start this story. Valentine's Day was just a couple of weeks ago. and I just stumbled on this story that came in

because, you know, sometimes Valentine's Day can go wrong. And for this guy it did, check out this headline. Woman allegedly bites off piece of boyfriend's tongue after Valentine's dispute. Ouch! Are you kidding me? Ouch! Check it out.

An Illinois woman was. arrested after allegedly biting off a large piece and you got to figure it's the tip right it's not like you're going to get the back of the tongue so I'm assuming it's the tip biting off a large piece of her boyfriend's tongue following a domestic dispute on valentine's day well aren't we in love please say elaine cook of skokie illinois her boyfriend of 10 months, went out for Valentine's Day, returned to her apartment, and got into a fight. Oh, love.

What do you want to do for Valentine's Day? Well, why don't we go out for a nice romantic dinner? Yes. And candlelight and wine and lobster? Yes. And then take a horse-drawn carriage ride back to your apartment. Yes. And light a fire and pour some shableness.

Champagne and dip strawberries and chocolate. Yes. And then get in a goddamn fight, you asshole. I hate your fucking gut. Ah! Okay. So, they say that Cook reportedly asked him to leave her apartment when the fight was going on, but he wanted to end the argument.

He told her that they should stop fighting, and he went to kiss her. sir. Turns out that's when she bit off a large portion of his tongue. You know, because if please leave doesn't work, the next logical step is to, you know, bite someone's tongue off. They'd said that the boyfriend ran to the sink bleeding. Cook followed him and threw the tongue on the counter.

oh god so that means she had the chunk of tongue in her mouth on her tongue his tongue was on her tongue this is this is like the x games of french kissing right here going on will you talk to me i can't right now i'm french kissing you um and she slapped it on the counter like a you know how meat sounds when you slap it on a counter. I thought the story was going to actually followed him through the tongue on the counter, pulled out a couple of slices of white bread, some mayonnaise,

a little bit of lettuce, made herself a tongue sandwich. Ugh. So the dude, he grabs the piece of his own tongue, which brings whole new meaning to cack got your tongue. How about dude got your tongue, your own tongue? I mean, that's something that should never happen in life. Never in life should one pick one's own tongue up off a counter.

At no point should a tongue ever leave your mouth, except if you stick it out and then retract it. But there should be no separation. Your tongue should not be anywhere your whole life, but resting in your mouth, cradled in your lower jaw. Ugh. So we put the piece of tongue into a bag of ice,

which reminds me of that scene in a Christmas story. Remember where the kids got stuck his tongue to the frozen pole? Come back. Come back. Ah, don't mean they have, come back. This guy shoves his tongue in a bag of ice. Come back. I can't leave you. Come back. The bell ring.

What are you going to do? I don't know. The bill rang. Yeah. I can't leave me. Come back. Come back. Come back. Oh, my God. And then he and Cook's roommate called 911. Could you imagine that phone call?

Hello, 911. What is your emergency? Now, I thought I said that my girlfriend and I'm going to the fine. I'm going to say that I'm going to put on the counter and I was saying, excuse me, sir? I'm not to tell you, my girlfriend, my girlfriend, sir, you're going to have to enunciate. But then, I'm hanging up, sir,

you sound like an idiot. So the guy was rushed to the, so the guy was rushed to the hospital, the doctors could not reattach the tongue because of inadequate blood supply. Are you kidding me? So this guy's got to walk around with no tongue? At least half a tongue?

I'm telling you, I'm not taking this guy to Baskin-Robbins. Can you imagine the freak show? All the kids standing around, licking their ice cream cones. Here comes old zebra-mouthed. his tongue comes out the kid see this guy with half a tongue I mean they would scream out of there like Godzilla attacking a Japanese city

scary in the days following the maiming I like how they call it a maiming how about Saw 5 how about the movie Saw 5 forget about maiming this is like one of those saw movies let's play a little game

um so in the days following the maiming the the boy friend who asked not to be identified said he was in a lot of pain well uh no guff obviously talking is not the best thing to do right now yeah i think we covered that all that yeah probably not He says, but at least I can talk.

It's just sad the whole thing. Well, I don't think he can talk that well, dude. Unbelievable. So this chick got sent to jail. $100,000 bail. And then the dude says he has a lot of mixed feelings. He said he didn't want to see Cook's life ruined by going to jail. What about your life, dude?

I mean, you might have a little trouble getting a new girlfriend now that you have. have no tongue if you know what I mean wink wink nudge nudge say no more most girls like a dude with at least a little bit of tongue for various reasons he says it makes me sick to my stomach that she's sitting in jail right now but it's just out of my hands said the boyfriend i have to focus on getting better now. Or to quote him, ha-the-pok-a-b-b-b-b-d-b-d-d-d-l. Oh, I'm sure she's sitting in jail.

Twiddling her thumbs, or should I say twiddling her tongues? I mean, I hate to say it, gang, but there's a lot of lesbian action going on in those female prisons. Spoiler alert to you jailbird lesbian. who like to go muff diving. You better do a good job.

Or the mctong burglar is going to chew your apparatus right out of your mouth. You better please, old tongue biter. You better please a real good up on that top bunk bed in the prison. You're going to pay a price, man. and I think what's really hard about this story is looking at the chick who did it. I mean, she's one of those, she's an older woman. She's like 51. She looks a little hardened and she's got kind of a tough face.

Like she looks more like a construction worker dude than like a beautiful lady. She's got kind of a really big strong jaw on, a wide face, strong face. strong face strong cheekbones I mean it's one thing to get your tongue bit off by like a model or a little haughty that's almost maybe borderline sexy but to have some chick that looks like you know

the guy that built your retaining wall in the backyard I don't know ugh scary so there you go a little follow up from Valentine's Day. Be careful, gentlemen. Be very, very careful. Love bite. Wow. You know what else sucks? Well, maybe it doesn't suck, but maybe it does suck.

And I don't know if I understand the need for this anymore, but imagine you're an artist. You know, you go to a nightclub, you go to a singles bar, you're standing at the bar with your escott around your neck, your martini in your hand. Some beautiful things. Philly saunters up to you. Hi, what do you do?

Well, I'm an artist, baby. Ooh, an artist. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm an artist. Oh, I like artists. Where can I see your works? Well, uh, uh... Please tell me where. Where can I see your, your art?

Uh, well, uh, well... Where? I need to know. channel 5 at 6 o'clock news what channel 5 6 o'clock news what the hell what kind of artists are you i'm a courtroom sketch artist baby i've got to go i mean is there a need for the the courtroom sketch artist anymore in this digital age we live in in this technological age where There's cameras everywhere and, you know, pictures and digital footage. And, you know, it seems like everyone's allowed in a courtroom these days, TV cameras. Why is it that some courtrooms, they still have like this primitive thing going on where there's a guy with a sketchpad doodling everyone?

What the hell is that all about? Some guy over there with a bunch of smelly pastels and a sketchpad scribbling away. I mean, it's got to be frustrating because basically they're portrait artists, right? They're drawing people. I mean, can you imagine in the middle of a trial? The judge is like, Ted Bundy, you're accused of 14 serial killings. Please approach the bench.

Excuse me, Your Honor. Sorry, he can't move. Um, I'm still rendering him. Okay, I'm going to need about another two hours to get it right. Mr. Bundy, if you could just stay right where you are. Do not look this way. Do not turn your head. Do not flinch.

You murdering, son of a bitch. I mean, what do these guys do their portraits on the fly? People are always moving around. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes.

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And they always look a bit off, don't they? Like, you know, suddenly you're watching the news and it's like this high-deaf television

and, you know, 4,922 pixels per square inch. you know, retina discovery, blah, blah, blah. I don't know the terms. And then suddenly they go, and the defendant, Coco Smith, seen here in the sketch artist rendering, suddenly you're looking at like some guys doodle,

a bunch of scribbles and pencil marks and pastels. Didn't we use pastels when we were in grade three art class? suddenly we're on the modern society and we're looking at some guy drawing like Sheikh al-Mahad for the 9-11 bombings you know what I want an exact I want to see a picture of that guy I want to make sure if I run into him on the street I know exactly what he looks like I don't need no pastel rendering you know they're always a bit off. The heads may be a little

disproportionate or their foreheads bent. Their eyes look a little crooked or maybe their hairs like tossed the wrong way. It just seems like kind of a primitive way of communicating imagery these days.

I mean, God bless you if you're a courtroom sketch artist, but I don't know. Is that something you walk around singer, is that a little embarrassing? Yeah, I'm having a gallery showing. Really? Where? At the art gallery, I'm going to be hanging

up. Court case file 72912, Glamaski versus the state. Okay. And then court case 29742. Domestic Violence, Walters v. Davidson. Okay, never heard of it. Well, how about this?

There was a bicycle theft, and I sketched the thief, and this one's a winner. I even got the air conditioner in the background. There's him sitting at the bench, and in the background is the courtroom air conditioner, and that one's going to start a bidding war, I promise. So I don't know Very strange

I actually knew a guy once who did that Back in the day when I was just getting out of college This guy was like a hippie stoner dude Is that right? You got like in the court of law Where guys are going through the doors Off to prison in handcuffs The orange jumpsuit for smoking weed

for maybe peddling a little dope and the guy drawing him leaving the courtroom is like over there tweaking high as a kite still got like pot seeds in his beard I don't know man maybe he's over there smoking one of those pastels Hey man what color is this I got lemon yellow I got orange

I got burnt sienna What's this grass green? What the hell? Hang on a second I'm seeing colors now. I'm seeing colors now. I've never seen before. Oh, I'm sketching everyone now. I'm getting naked and sketching everyone. Oh, look out, Ted Bundy. Here I come. I don't know. So there you go. Maybe if you're ever in court, you're in trouble for something. Make sure you sit in the...

the courtroom with your best side facing the courtroom sketch artist. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, today's question of the day is of a historical nature. I don't usually dabble into history. I'm not real good at it. You know, I'm not a student of history, as they say. But my question of the day is, we're shot. Putters, the original canons.

Have you ever seen a shot putter, these big chubby guys who pick up cannonballs and twirl around and throw them? Where did that come from? Were they the original canons before the invention of gunpowder? Before the invention of the cannon, as we know it? were the you know did did uh military outfits keep like uh you know a brigade of chubby guys in the back row you know they had 20 or 30 fat guys they were like in the back row and as two two warring sanctions ran across the field towards each other they'd be like send in the fat guy

Send in the cannons. These fat guys would run forward in their spandex outfits. And they'd, you know, they'd have to make the, they'd have to throw the shopput ball or the cannonball. But the only catch was, you know, I think the world record for shop pudding is like 33 feet or something. So that means these poor chubby guys would have to, Okay, send in the cannon, 33 feet away from the enemy.

And then they probably had to make the noise and everything. You know, they twirl around, they throw the cannonball, they have to do the boom. And then they have to stand there, chubby guy with rosy cheeks, doing the cannonball flying through the air. Right? I don't know, I'm just asking. I told you I'm not good with history.

My question of the day is were shop putters, the original canons. The Harland Highway, question of the day. All right, I want to tell you about a TV show that I like. I don't, you know, have a ton of TV shows that I really like, but there's this one show. It's kind of an obscure show that's on at a weird time, a weird hour. It doesn't have like a primo time slot, but it's out there.

And I find it a very interesting show because it kind of deals with people's intelligence and their ingenuity. It's a show called Shark Tank. It's on ABC called Shark Tank. And this is a show where... you have a panel of four or five very wealthy entrepreneurs. You have Mark Cuban, the guy who owns a, I think the Mavericks, a basketball team. He's an entrepreneur. He's possibly a billionaire, I think.

And then you have a bunch of other guys and girls on the panel that are very, very wealthy and business investors. And, you know, these guys make their living, finding products to invest in, or creating products, and selling them to the marketplace. And so the concept of the show is that the average Joe, you, me, your neighbor, your sister, your uncle, if you have an ingenious idea or a really practical idea or something that you might see on the home shopping network or something that might help save lives, or something that might, you know, be something you could use around the kitchen, like the chamois or the slapchop or whatever, you have a chance to go in and make your sales pitch to these five sharks, they call them, in the shark tank, and they either like what you offer,

and they make you an offer, and they want to get in business with you, and they offer you money and they offer you their expertise and they offer you everything that they kind of know about the business. And they give you a promise to help you grow your business. And if you watch the show, if you follow the show, the results for people who have made deals with the sharks and the shark tank have done for the most part very well.

But what I really love about the show, there's two phases of the show. I love the fact that people come in with these ideas and you go, oh, my God, why didn't I think of that? Or, oh, what a great idea. Or how simple, but how amazing. You know, there's a guy that invented a little magnetic clip that goes on your shirt to hang your reading glasses on.

There's a lady who invented a way to train your cat to literally sit up on the toilet. toilet and do its business to pee and poo on your existing toilet so that you don't have to have a litter box, a smelly litter box in your house. There's people that have created candles that smell like money, that smell like basketballs, that smell like, you know, scents that aren't traditionally associated with the scent of candles. There's just all kinds of great inventions. It's a fun show to watch.

But the other aspect of the show is watching the sharks, you know, analyze the people and their products. And sometimes they can be very complimentary and be wowed and say, I want to be in business with you. And sometimes they can be brutal and just rip a person apart. And that's part of the risk you take. going on the show. I mean, they don't pull any punches. And if you don't go in there prepared or you don't go in there with a viable product,

they're the first ones to get all over you. And I want to play you a clip. There was a beautiful woman, an African-American woman, who seemed very intelligent, and she was, you know, well-schooled, and she worked in the rehabilitation of, troubled teens and things like that and people with addictions. She worked in the mental health industry, and she'd come up with an invention or a creation, if you will, where she's come up with this online therapy thing, where basically you can join a site

and have access via Skype to professional therapists where it's a lot cheaper to do it over Skype than to get in your car and drive to a therapist's office and pay Primo Dollar. So she created this website that takes care of all your psychological needs. If you need to talk to a shrink, if you need counseling, this is the place to go. Well, none of the sharks liked it

because they felt like if you're, if you're, paying for cheap therapy you're getting a cheap therapist and uh they didn't really see the value in it and um they also were were uh were reaming her out because she walked into the room ill prepared she hadn't broken down the numbers when when you go into the shark tank you're supposed to kind of have numbers uh you know projections on what your profits will be or uh you know kind of tell them how much money you've made thus far if you've in fact you know had this thing up and running and this poor girl is intelligent and as smart as she was and i think she has kind of a neat idea she didn't have her numbers lined up and the sharks ate her alive and here's one of the sharks

giving her her head in her hand you have to know you can't subcontract that no matter if you hire an accountant or not get a partner in your business when you have ignorance you're not defensible you can't fight back when you're ignorant by your numbers I'm not so that's the first shark saying he's out he doesn't want anything to do with her and then a couple of the other ones went on to say they're out and then you'll hear one more guy just say he's out and then the final shark comes in and this is where it gets good this was so brutal I don't mean to be cruel but it made me laugh out loud it was it was like better than any sitcom, just because this guy was such a dick to this woman.

So you got one more shark bailing out, and then here comes the coup de trah, or whatever the hell it is, the icing on the cake is the advice from the final shark. Here we go. The number do not add up. I'm out. Oh, thank you. I do appreciate that. I think what's appropriate is a very simple story that I think you'll appreciate.

There's an island right off the coast of South. Africa where the largest population of sardines exists. The seals love sardines. Hundreds of thousands of them sit on an island just bear rock nothing to eat. They look at the sardines. After about seven days, they start to starve. But they know if they go in the water, the great white sharks will leave them alive. Somebody has to go in the water from the seals to sacrifice their lives so if the others can live eating the sardines. It's the one that's starving the most that goes in first, followed by maybe a few thousand more. The ones that sacrificed their lives did it for a purpose, so the DNA of the ones that live can go on. So B, do you know who you are in

the story? You're the first seal that goes in the water. The purpose was that others will never come in here again without their numbers. They will learn from the blood in the waters that you've provided. I'm out. Good luck. Thank you. Thank you very much. Don't go swimming. Let that be a lesson. She's smart. She'll figure it out. Wow. She got it handed to her, man. Woo! Oh my God.

I mean, it was such a brutal story. Here's this girl. He's probably not well-versed in the world of business walking in like a deer in the headlights. And this guy hands are that. And here they cut to her afterwards talking about the experience, and she's tearing up. crying. I'm here representing my business and I really, really resent. Having anybody call all my business or my project or anything that I've worked this hard on, horrible. It isn't. Wow. Oh, man. Well, hey, you have nothing else, the girl learned a lesson, man.

Wow. Brutal. And it was just the delivery of the guy and the guy, the guy on the show that gave that little speech. He calls himself Mr. Wonderful. He's like a billionaire, uh, investment guy who sold some internet company for a billion dollars. And, uh, he's just, uh, he's kind of pompous. He's kind of cocky. And, uh, just to see him lay into her, it was sad, but it was also somehow hilarious. So I hope that lady's doing well. For what it's worth, my dear, And I'm not a business, I don't invest in things like this, but I think there might be something to your idea. I think there might be a need for people who can't afford therapy that they can go online and get it. And by the way, just so you know, these therapists that she was marketing were not bad therapists.

They were just therapists in the early stages of their career. so they couldn't be in a position to charge top dollar where a well-established therapist would be. So basically, I think what was happening here is she was offering top-quality therapist, but right at the, you know, the beginning of their careers. So they would probably go on to be great therapist, but because they weren't there yet, they were uh they were getting a a low price so there you go my goodness my goodness not only does love bite on this show but business bites as well y-ouch you're good to the shark tank you're gonna get bit with a little bit of business love there you go and that my friend that big

Bight leads us to the end of the show. We've bitten off the end. We're at the tail. The tail is wagging, but we are at the tail. Thank you for being here. What a treat. Don't forget, folks, few announcements. I will be in Florida, Fort Lauderdale at the improv at the Hard Rock Casino in Fort Lauderdale

all this weekend starting tonight. February 28th, right through it'll Sunday, March 3rd. So come on by. Go to my website, harlomwilliams.com. You can order your tickets online. You want to save a seat. Also, uh, the following weekend, yours truly will be in Dallas, Texas, Addison Improv.

Also, March 7th to the 10th, get your tickets online. And I hope you, I see you there. Uh, my new special, uh, Harlow Williams of Force and Nature available at my website as well in our store, harlough williams.com, or if you would rather a digital download, go to iTunes. People are digging it. They're downloading my new special that I shot in the middle of the desert. I'm not going to see that anywhere else, my fine little friends.

If you want to write Harlowilliams.com with your comments and observations, If you want to call and leave a phone message, 323-739-4-330, that's 3-3-739-9-4-3-3-0, my friends. So that's all I got, man. I hope you had a groovy time. Hope you're doing well. Smile, spread love to others. Be a good person. And until next time, chicken.

How mean, baby? Huh, are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid poland's dumb. That's got you know where to stick. You're full of it. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Black, double dog, dare you?

Well, go on, smart-ass and do it. I'm going, I'm going. Flick spine stiffened. His lips curled in a defiant sneer. There was no going back now. Duck? Duck. Duck.

Duck. Duck. Dock. Duck. Duck. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ha! Thank you.