The Harland Highway - 474: Stupid 911 call, Senior Fuentes, death by waffles!

Episode Date: March 7, 2013

Today we listen to a really stupid 911 call, someone almost murdered by waffles, annoying clothing tags, and a visit from Harland's gardener Senior Fuentes. Stipe my ripe!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Tweety, tweetle-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-to-de-to-de-de. No meaning. Why do I do it? Uh, welcome everybody to the Harlan Highway podcast. Glad to have you here. I am your host, Harland Williams. And, uh, good show today. Maybe a great show. I don't know. Um, anybody here ever been killed by Waffles? yeah hello you've just been hooked in we will be discussing the uh the deadly encounter that happened with some waffles um how about clothing tags would you like to kill your clothing tags when was the last time you bought a new pair of jeans and had to go through all the tags that's going to be coming up on the harland highway question of the day uh senor fuentes is dropping by

which I never enjoy. He's my creepy gardener who's kind of a little bit off. Not looking forward to that. And then we're going to end the show out with a 911 call that you're just going to roll your eyes with the stupidity of people.

Really a nutbag calls 911 for the dumbest reason. But you're here for the smartest reason because this is a podcast. This is the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time.

It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

This is your fucking wake-up comment. You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams In 30 seconds you'll be dead I'll blow this place up And be home in time for cornflakes Pop it like it's hard Pop it like it's hard

I don't know why I sang a rap song right there Pop it like it's hard Here we go gang Big big question here This almost should be the question of the day. In fact, you know what? I never do this right out of the gate, but here we go. This is going to be the Harland Highway question of the day, right out of the gate. The Harland Highway, question of the day. And here it is, why are there so many tags, plural,

uh, on clothing. When you buy clothing, why are there so many tags? I bought a pair of jeans. a simple pair of jeans, okay? And there were so many tags on this thing. I felt like I'd been in a ticker tape parade and there was like syrup on my pants and all these little pieces of paper floated down and got stuck all over my pants. Like I had enough crap hanging off these new jeans.

I felt like I should be in like a Mardi Gras parade. You know, marching down the street with feathers on my hair. My pants were like so covered in stuff. It's just too much. So here, let me give you an example. I'm going to read some of these tags to you, okay? So I went to this place called Lucky Brand. And here's the first tag.

This one was on the waistline. So it says, Lucky Brand, the art of blue jeans. waste 36 and then regular 32 so now you know my dimensions if you want to buy me jeans for Christmas so this thing you know this is the tag on the side that gives the size okay now just so you know there's about five places on these jeans that give you the size so I got this tag it's a little like rectangular thing that that is attached to the the belt line and you rip it off and then here comes this other one it's like a sticker there's things like a you hear that that's the sticker part and this thing's about i don't know about

nine inches long again it's a thin rectangle and this is that sticker they put on the leg of the gene that goes all the way down the leg and again it says 36. but it doesn't say it just once let me count one two three four five six seven eight nine so it says it nine times plus the one in the waistband so that's ten times i've been told which size these are okay but then when you look in the waistband of the uh of the blue gene there it is again 36 32 and now I'm going and that's just that's a tag that's like a stitched in tag but here comes another cardboard tag okay now this tag was attached just dangling on one of those little plastic it looks like plastic thread and then it's got like a tee hook at the top you know

those annoying little things you snap them off and they kind of hurt your fingers and you go oh good I got the tag off, but now I still got this fishing line sticking out of my pelvis. You know what I mean? It looks like fishing line and there's a little T's up. And then it's hard to get the little T part. You got to fish around in the fabric. Where the hell is that? You know, you catch it like you're the fish.

Okay, so now I've got a tag. And this thing on the front, it says Lucky Brand Jeans, which, by the way, it already said on the way, waistline thing and then I flip it over and guess what gang there it is size 36 that's 11 times I've been told that the size of these jeans are they worried that I'm might make a mistake they're like oh my god they can't get the wrong gene oh my god we've got to tell them and tell them and tell them they're very stupid they must know we at least 11 times what size the gene are this could be tragic okay so that's three tags three paper plastic vinyl tags and

now I come to another one that's on the belt loop okay now this one's got like a big piece of industrial like string on it and once again it says the art of blue jeans lucky brand okay well didn't you already tell me that like twice let me look the the waistband thing yeah there it is and big letters lucky brand and then there's a thing that was on the caught on the fishing line it says lucky brand twice on it and now i've got a third one just to remind me that i've got lucky brand one more time so so far we're up to four tags here comes number five this one's made out of cloth This was on another butt on another belt loop.

And this thing's like a strip of fabric. And there's an embroidered eye hole for it where they stick it through. So a little bit of work went into this. And then printed on the fabric, Super Soft Denim. Premium Super Soft Denim is carefully crafted for a softer than soft, broken feel. is softer than soft. Now I'm pitching like a piece of dog poo or something. I mean, softer than soft?

Don't you just go from soft to like mush? How many of you are pitching like a pile of vomit outside a nightclub? I think that's softer than soft, except for the chunks of carrots. And then I flipped this thing over made with the highest levels of. of comfort and quality of mind. Every pair of super soft jeans feels like you've owned them for years and just gets more comfortable

the more you wash and wear them. There it is again. Lucky brand. I mean, I have fingers, folks. You know, you can tell someone how soft something is. Like I can look at a cloud and go, I bet that's pretty soft.

I bet that's super soft. And I bet if I touched it, it would be soft. So I can tell it's denim. Denim's hit and miss. Sometimes it's soft. Sometimes it's a little coarse. Denim is by nature kind of a tough fabric.

I got fingers. We're like raccoons. We have sensitive little fingers. We feel things. Do I need another tag? So now we're up to one, two, three, four, five tags. And here comes the last one. Number six, it's like a little alarm tag, just inside the waistline.

It says, please remove before first use. And then on the back, it's in French. Merci de Ritreel. See, avant le premier utilization. Well, I think that last word was English. I mean, you know, the French can't get them all. They can try to change all our words to French, but they didn't get utilization. Merci de la terrier, Sisi, avant le premier utilization.

It almost looks like the same spelling, but I'm not sure, because last week I told you I had trouble with some words spelling. So now I've got an alarm in my pants, which, you know, would be a good thing if I was like, you know, super well-undowed, I think it would be kind of a bragging rights to have an alarm in my pants. You know, any girl venturing now? Warning, warning, warning. Beep, beep,

giant, morning. Beep, beep, beep. Super-size, morning. Beep, boop. Boop, boo, boo, so I don't know what this is alarm, I guess, is for shoplifting. But if I'm already out of the store, please remove before first use. You know, like a pair of jeans is like a blender or something. You know, well, here goes, let's turn it on. The first use.

Maybe I want an alarm in my pants. Don't tell me to remove it. I like having a little strip of toxic metal next to my junk. Okay? I'll leave the alarm in my pants. if I want the alarm in my pants, lucky? What if I'm feeling lucky? I want the alarm to go off.

So anyways, you've got to figure that all this hoopla, you know, the high-grade string, the cloth fabric, the stickers, the paper, the printing, the artwork, the design, it's all got to add up. And then I look on the back of one tag, $99. for a pair of blue jeans that I'm going to be out in the garden with

and, you know, changing the oil on my motorcycle with? You know why they're $99, don't you? Because you jackasses spend $89 making all these godforsaken tags. Ah, ah, ah, pooh, there goes the alarm. Pooh-weep, baob. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Oh, boy. Annoying.

Anyways, let's go to some crazy headlines, gang. Here we go. This is nuts. Listen to this headline, okay? The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. Wow.

That's strange stuff. You're going to love this. Woman shot by oven will try to cook waffles. Huh? Check it out. An 18-year-old Florida woman. I love it when they call 18-year-old women. Aren't they still kids?

If you have the word teen in your name, 18? I don't know. I still think kid. I don't think an 18-year-old, 19-year-old is really a woman yet. Maybe. I don't know. But an 18-year-old Florida woman kid was only slightly injured this week when she was shot by her.

your friend's oven. Alea Walker was visiting a friend in St. Petersburg Monday when they decided they wanted some late night waffles. Well, who doesn't want those? Oh, man, it's midnight, man. I need some waffles. Mm-mm. Yeah.

Some people like a nice glass of hot milk before they go to bed. Some people like a little glass of red wine. I need me a stack of waffles. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Ego, my ass, Biotch. Oh, yeah, I'm going to put a couple on my ears and pretend I'm Princess Leia, Biot. Give me them egos.

Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve,

wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun.

Don't throw your back out. So here's what happened. They wanted some late-night waffles. So they walk her, this girl, started preheating the oven. And this is Florida for you. She pre-hates the oven unaware that her friend, J.J. Sandy, J.J. was storing a magazine from his 45-cali-glock

in the oven. Yeah, that's a smart place to hide your ammo, dude. And where do you keep your extra can of gasoline right there beside the fireplace? The hell is wrong with you. The ammunition magazine

exploded about 9 p.m. spraying casing fragments at high speed and striking walker. She was shot by a waffle oven, gang. He managed to to pick some of the fragments out of her leg and chest and took a bus to the hospital.

Yeah, because whenever I'm shot in the leg and chest, I figure the fastest way to get to a hospital for emergency life-saving surgery is to get on a bus that stops every 800 feet to pick up more people. Excuse me, driver. How far is it to the hospital? Well, ma'am, it's about six miles.

And how long will that take? That should be about an hour and a half, ma'am. Okay, excellent. I'll sit in the front because I was just shot in the chest and the legs. So, will you let me know when we're there in case I, you know, pass out from blood loss? Yes, ma'am. And would you like a nice waffle?

Yes, ma'am, I would. I mean, what the hell? So here's the guy's story. Here's JJ's story. Thank you, J.J. Sandy told the police JJ stored the gun in the drawer but stored the magazine in the oven.

Four rounds were in the 13 capacity magazine, he said. Okay, gun and ammunition references indicate that the 45 caliber bullets commonly used in glocks can explode at temperatures as as 280 degrees, or even lower if they've been exposed to heat for a long time, which can degrade the structure of the bullet. I wonder if you had them spread out on a nice cookie sheet.

I mean, that's like a new cookbook right there, a delicious home-cooked bullets. First, you take the bullets out of the magazine, spread them on a lightly oiled cookie sheet, Preheat the oven to 250 degrees, insert bullets on cookie sheet, allow to heat for 15 minutes, and run for your life! Good Lord. They go on to say that the guy didn't have a temperature gate on his oven, so he estimates the temperature temperature based on how far the knob is turned. And according to the police report, this guy observed that the inside of the oven was damaged. Gee, do you think?

You got bullets going off in your waffle oven? I think so. I mean, this is crazy. So obviously, without a gun barrel to contain and direct the propelling gases, the bullets pierced. pierced the glass and steel portions of the oven. The shell casings actually cause more damage than the bullets. So the guy wasn't charged

because he had a proper concealed weapons permit. Really? How about we charge him for his IQ? Is there a way we could look at his test scores, his IQ scores. Can't we charge him for being an idiot? Wow. So be careful, man.

If you're going to be making waffles anytime soon, please get a flack jacket or a bulletproof vest. Or at least do the old duck and roll routine, you know? So there you go. Crazy news headline. I think I'll go drink me a gallon of log cabin syrup. Might help stop the bullet from getting out the other side of my body. All right.

Well, let's move on and switch gears to... Hold on. Oh, no. No! Oh, Roger! What is he doing here? I don't want him here. Oh, come on, man.

Not again. What are you doing here, Senor Fuentes? That's Senor Fuentes. I know who you are. What is with you, man? You know I do a show here. You're my gardener. You drive all the way over here

in your smelly old pickup truck. Easy, senor. Whatever. Her name is Swissy. Your pickup truck has a name? See, Senor. Suisse. See? Dare I even ask why you call your pickup truck Swissy? Well, Swiss people have very fair skin, senor. So? Well, when you have fair skin, you tend to have a lot of freckles. Okay. Well, Swissie drops oil all over the place.

Your truck leaks oil. Yeah, I know, I can smell it. Well, wherever I park, signor, I leave drop. of oil all over the pavement, and it looks like freckles. Hold on, so you're associating oil drops all over the sidewalk with freckles. That's right. Swissy leaves freckles all over the sidewalk and the driveway and in the parking lot at Home Depot, Signor. Oh, God. What kind of logic is that, Fuentes? That's Senor Fuentes.

All right. Do you not realize I'm doing a show here? What is it, Signor? A show. How do you think I pay your bills? I don't know, Signor, but this just looks like a... Don't say anything. A steaming pile of horses.

Don't! What are you doing here, Fuentes? That's Signor, Fuente. I know! Well, Signor, I've got some bad news. What are you talking about? There's a giant brown stain on your underwear. What?

You heard me, Signor. There's a big giant... giant brown streak right down the crack of your underwear, Signore. How do you know what's in my underwear? Oh, I know. I saw it, Signore. You did not... Stop it! You did not see a giant brown streak down the middle of my underwear. Oh, yes, I did, and it smells, senor.

Cut it out! What in the name of crab cakes and red lobster are you talking about? Oh, I love crap. Don't! Just what! Well, Signor, remember you told me to stain your fence? Yes, my old rotten fence in the backyard. And you told me you wanted a nice brown stain? Yes.

Well, unfortunately, your clothesline is hanging right close to the fence. I know one end of it's actually tied to the fence. Well, your big fat underpants... Don't say my big fat underpants. You're big chubby under... They're not chubby. Your extra wide underpants were flapping in the breeze drying on the clothesline, signor. So?

So as I was staining the fence, it looks like I slipped and I put a big brush stroke right down the crack of your big, fat, chubby underpants, seor. They're not chubby. Well, I don't care what they are. You got a great big chocolate stain all the way down. Stop it. I don't have a stain in my underwear. There are people listening. Well, I'm sorry if there are people listening,

but what if there were people watching, senor? There you go walking down the street, huh? In your big, fat, super-sized chubby underwear, big chocolate brown stain right down your crack, senor. I don't have a chocolate chubby, chocolate stain in my chubby fat ass crack underpants. You said it, senor. I didn't say.

say it. You made me say it. See, senor, and it smells. How do you know how it smells? Well, you know how much stained smells. It's a very chemically stained, senor. Who knew that your underpants smelled like turpentine? Get out of here. Out, out, out. Would you like me to wash your crack, senor? Get out! There's a few brushes bristles came off in your underpants, and you're, it looks like you have horse whiskers coming out of your ass crack. Get out! Wow. What an annoying idiot.

Roger, why do you do this to me? Why do you let him in here? He's got to be the only gardener in the universe that drives to his employers work. And you let him right in, covered in ants and leaves and twigs. I don't know if there's anyone more annoying or more of an idiot. Except maybe this story that we're working on right now. Holy God. Every now and then you get a real doozy of a 911 call.

Listen to this redneck idiot who made a 911 call to the sheriff because she wanted cigarettes. Okay, this chick's wasted. She's having a barbecue. with her husband or her boyfriend. And, you know, what's a good, what's a good mind-numbing drunk without some smokes to wash the booze down? Take a listen to this story. Winning.

So a 48-year-old woman by the name of Linda White calls 911 in Hood County, Texas. That's about 65 miles southwest of Dallas. Calls, but not for a real emergency. Calls because she wants cigarettes. Now, WFA TV reports she was apparently trying to play a joke, but the deputy was having none of it. The woman who answered the phone, took her address, took her number, and sent deputies there. They arrested Linda and charged her with abusing 911. Each night.

Hey, County 911. What's the address of your emergency? Hello? If you're waiting on that son of a bitch, you're going to be waiting on us. Hello? I need some cigarettes. What address are you at? 310 Beachwood. What's your name?

Gary Roberts. I'm sorry. Carrie is your first name? Jerry. Spell it for me. G-A-R-Y. Well, I forgot how to spell my last name. You said your last name is Roberts?

No, I think I had all the wrong number. Okay, and you're at 31-E-E-Eachwood? Yes. Okay. Thank you. uh-huh i'll say it again winning and uh how about when the officer asks uh asked her name she goes what's your name and i'm pretty sure this drunk said julia roberts see see if you hear this so uh ma'am what's your name jerry robert and then there's some

confusion and she goes what is it carry jerry and then i swear to god i don't know if somehow I play into this story, but I did a Conan episode years ago where I did this stupid bit where I talked about how I figured out a way you can say the name Gary in a whole new way. You can say Gary, you can say Gary, Gary. You know, you can drag out the word Gary. It's on YouTube somewhere. Now, this chick says her name again, and I'm wondering if she had seen me on Conan because she says, Gary, just the way I would say it.

It cracked me up. Listen, here she is saying her name again. Gary Roberts. I'm sorry, Carrie is your first name? Gary. Oh, God, that cracks me up. And listen to the dude or husband or boyfriend in the background, just chuckling the whole time.

Gary. Nut jobs, man. Just nut jobs. Gary. I mean, what kind of people. called 911 for cigarettes and then I love the ending to this thing man this this chick realizes she might as she goes I think I called the wrong number and then the conversation ends and I'm thinking the drunks like ah you know what I said it's the wrong number I hung up and

and that was it and she says thank you and probably thought that was the end of the story but listen to the cop, the operator, the 911 operator, listen to her response after the drunk thinks it's over and tries to say goodbye. There's a real tell in the cop's tone, the operator's tone. Listen. Thank you. Uh-huh. Oh, man.

Did you hear it? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's the cop going. Oh, this ain't over, bitch. Okay? You had your little fun. It's on.

I'm sending the sheriff's rolling down on your place. You think it was a funny little joke with your cigarettes, and now we've hung up. You think you got away with this one? Do you not hear the tone in my uh-huh? Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, that's a whole wall of trouble coming when you hear that. Uh-huh. You better run and you better hide.

Yeah, are you? Uh-huh. So there we go. We end the show with a country bumpkin dildo. Unbelievable, man. So there you go. What an ending with Geary. Thanks for being here, folks.

Always a pleasure having you here rolling down the Harland Highway with me. Let's see, what do we got coming up for you here? Don't forget Dallas, Texas. Addison, the improv. If you are in the Dallas, Texas region, or even anywhere in the country, I will be at the improv March 7th through March 10th. So it starts tonight, gang. One show tonight, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, one show Sunday.

It is going to be a treat. So come on out. Get your tickets online at harlornwilliams.com. Go on the stand-up link. And while you're there, check out the store, the Harland Highway store. We've got CDs, DVDs. My new stand-up special, A Force of Nature is there available for you. T-shirts, music, artwork, all kinds of fun stuff.

Don't forget my free app if you have a cell phone, which I know you do, harland app.com. you can download that for free get some voices some ringtones all that fun stuff if you want to write to me harlowe williams dot com with your comments and if you want to leave a voicemail 323 739 4330 always like to hear from the pavement pounders man and uh that's it man that is all we got for you today uh again thanks for being here folks, and we will catch you next time here on the Harland Highway. And until then, chicken chalmaine, baby.

Yeah, right. Uh-huh.