The Harland Highway - 479: Harland sleeps with quarterback TOM BRADY, mac and cheese

Episode Date: March 25, 2013

Harrland sleeps with football superstar Tom Brady, disgusting, Also, Kraft mac and cheese scandal, and is BINGO a crime? Copy my floppy!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The long and winding podcast. No, it's not a long and winding podcast. My podcasts are relatively short compared to most. It's only a half hour. Half hour of sheer joy. Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast, as I stated. I am Harlan Williams, your main man of mirth, right here, taking you navigating you through this podcast uh today holy smokes do you eat craft dinner

do you eat uh craft macaroni and cheese well you may not want to after this story yiang or you may want it more like i do who knows uh way do you hear also this this is this is gonna sound wrong but yet it was also right i slept with a major celebrity a man i i i I slept with one of the most famous athletes in the world today. I slept with them. And I'm not even joking. I know. Wait do you hear this story.

I'm going to get to it right out of the gate. And then what's the worst crime you've ever committed? How about under the eye for imprisonment? Yeah, this is a bad bingo story gone bad. And they're always bad because this is the harle. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway

All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here

to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead.

I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Okay, I am just going to get to this and get to it really fast. I slept with Tom Brady. Oh, God, I said it. The quarterback, the Super Bowl winning quarterback, of the New England Patriots, I slept with them, okay? I'm not even lying. I'm not even, I wish I was, I wish I was BSing you

or doing one of my kooky characters or goofing around, but ladies and Fonerdl Spurgens, I slept with Tom Brady. The shame, the guilt, the embarrassment. but let me explain i was on a flight i was on a plane going uh across country to florida from la to florida and uh i sat in the second row of the plane you know first class because that's the way i roll player and uh the two seats in front of me were the only empty seats they're getting ready to close the door in walks this really tall guy with an

old man, and I kind of look up, and it's a late flight. It's like, you know, it's almost a borderline red-eye flight. I look up and I go, wait a minute, underneath that baseball hat. That, ladies and snortle, Flithnerding, is Tom Brady, superstar quarterback for the New England Patriot. So I was super excited. and, you know, I didn't say anything to the guy. He was being low-key.

And it turns out I guess he was with his dad. His dad was flying with him. And I saw his dad was actually wearing the Super Bowl ring. I guess Tom gave one of his Super Bowl rings to his dad. Tom did not have a Super Bowl ring. I believe he had a wedding band on. But I did not see a Super Bowl ring, which would make a very nice wedding band, by the way.

I now pronounce you, man and wife, and champion. But anyways, as I said, it was a night flight, and you know what, during the night flights, after they get all the meals and everything out of the way, they dim the lights. And in first class, you know, a lot of the time when the chairs go back, they really go back, okay? So Tom Brady, once they had his meal and they dimmed the lights,

guess what, gang? He was sitting right in front of me. Back goes his seat. And all of a sudden, as the flight wears on, I find myself getting tired. And then I notice the team man, Tom Brady, is fast to sleep, literally a foot from me. And just seeing how close we were. When he lowered his seat back, his head. and shoulders were over hovering over my knees okay his the back of his seat came down over my legs to a

degree that's how close we were so here's tom brady sleeping i can see the top of his skull on his hair he's taking his hat off now and he's doing one of these things where he reaches back and puts his hands kind of for comfort or to stretch or whatever he reaches back behind his head and grabs the back of the seat and first of all i'm going good god these are the hands of ben graham from the fantastic four the guy there's no wonder he was born to play football this guy has hands the size of minnesota man i mean huge hands kooky nutty hands man and i'm sitting there going oh my god should i just reach out and touch his hands i mean those are super bowl hands A foot and a half from my face.

Super Bowl hands. How many of you can say that? You've had Super Bowl hands a foot and a half from your face. And I'm just studying them. I'm looking at them. I'm looking at the nails. I'm looking at the wrinkles on his fingers. I'm looking at the shape, the bone structure, the veins,

the skin tone, the hair. I mean, ladies and snuddle flurgens, these are super bowl hands a foot and a half from my face. I'm like, wow. And eventually the novelty wore off, and I felt my eyes getting heavy. And I'm thinking, well, if Tom Brady's asleep, surely I can be asleep. About a foot and a half away. So guess what?

I fall asleep. I fall asleep with little Tom Brady. Literally, we were, you know, I was probably closer to Tom Brady than some girl. I've slept with in a big, in a big bad. You know, in some bads, when you have a big king-sized bed or whatever, and you're with your loved one, and maybe you just want some space, and you go right to the edge of the bed,

and she goes to the other edge of the bed, and there's, like, two, three feet between you? So I'm closer with Tom Brady, and here we are sleeping together. Oh, yeah, girls and boys. I hope you're envious. So technically we are sleeping together. I mean, we are within inches of cuddling.

We're within about a foot of spooning, ladies and snortle-fleurins. Okay. And this isn't a gay thing. This is just two guys, two innocent commuters, two travelers on Virgin America. And we were still Virgin Americans when we landed. Thank you very much. So that proves that nothing happened. There was no physical, you know, homosexual encounter.

It was just two friendly guys, two professional guys, one athlete, one actor-slash-comedian, sleeping together in an airplane. Is there a problem? Ladies and snifflerdle. so for all you you chickies out there you're probably jealous as all hell that yours truly your your podcast uh your podcast chairman of the board here slept with tom brady and even all you dudes out there are probably like no way i want to sleep with a super bowl champion man so there you go and i'll tell you the only the only weird thing is nobody bugged the guy and you can see, look, I've talked to you about this before.

When you are a recognizable public figure, you have to carry a certain type of energy. You know, it's in the way you look. It's your posture. It's just the way you glance around. And hopefully the average person picks up on it, and it's kind of like, you know what? I'm a good guy, but I just, please don't approach me.

Please don't bug me. And Brady definitely had that energy. I recognized it immediately. I carry it around myself. Not to the degree he does. I'm not trying to say that, but I do have to deal with that in my life. A lot, quite a bit, actually. And sometimes you just got to wear this kind of mask that's kind of like,

you know what, please don't interrupt my day. I know you recognize me, but please, you know, just stand back. And Brady definitely had that thing going on. So nobody bugged them, except, get this, the stewardess or the flight attendant. Oh, yeah, like, we were about 20 minutes from landing. She's getting everyone to put their chairs up. Mr. Brady, could you put your chairs up? Oh, and by the way, I never do this.

It's so unprofessional. I never do this. So why are you doing it, lady? Could I, when we land, could I get your picture? And you can tell, bro, I know the. body language. You could tell Brady was just like, are you serious? I took the first seat on the plane.

In first class, I came on last, so no one would see me, exactly so I wouldn't have to deal with any of these type of requests. And who do I get it from? The person working on the plane who's trained not to do that stuff. But she just ignores protocol. and she harasses my sleeping buddy, all right? She harasses my bedmate. She harasses my almost spoon snuggler,

my Super Bowl dream spooner, snuggler. And sure enough, the plane lands and just before they open the door, there's Brady having to pose with this lady. It was a nice lady, but very inappropriate. I think she kind of missed what Tom Brady was doing way up there on the front seat. But outside of that, you had an uninventful flight. I did not do anything unless when I was asleep, I did something.

I can't account for what I do when I'm asleep. Maybe my hands ruffled his hair. Maybe my hands gave him a manicure. Maybe I leaned over the back of his seat and put my cheek, my cheek on my face on his cheek, and we slept together. Maybe I talked in my sleep and said things. There's Brady, Brady, he's looking downfield. Brady at the five-yard line.

He's looking for an opening in the end zone. Brady sees out. Brady throws touchdown. Brady! You know, I could have done that in my sleep. I don't know. I was asleep. You can't hold me accountable.

so anyways there's my story i i just blurt it out right out of the gate let's let's put it in stone like the ten commandments i slept the super bowl champion of the new england patriots tom brady thank you ladies and gentlemen please fasten your seatbelts put your seatbacks up we will be landing soon in the spoon position hello why do i have three super bowl rings and and still think there's something greater out there for me. Me, I thank God, it's got to be more than this. What's the answer? The Harlan Highway.

Yes, of course, the Harland Highway is always the answer. Thank you very much. But do you have the answer for this? How about this? This is scary. This affects me directly. Because I am a craft dinner or, you know, the craft man. macaroni and cheese, the little box that you make, you know,

you pour it in the boiling water, and you stir in the powder, and you put in the butter and the milk, and you eat it. Kraft macaroni and cheese, or as we called it in Canada, craft dinner. And I think in every home, it's kind of a staple, right? So how about this? This is scary. this is a little but at the same time

maybe it's delicious so listen to this you probably know craft dinner the easy to make tasty comfort food in the blue box is one of the most popular grocery items in America some actually call it America's national

dish I thought I was America's national dish by the way. Thank you very much. But there is a troubling reason why Kraft Dinner is bright orange when it's ready to eat. Here we go. Here comes the sad part. Craft uses chemical coloring that serves no purpose for flavoring

or nutrition. I wonder how many foods do that. I don't think Kraft Dinner is alone with that effort. I think like almost everything does that. This chemical labeled as tartazine or yellow 5 has been linked by experts to serious health issues like asthma, asthma, skin rashes, and hyperactivity in children, and yet aren't children the ones that were feeding this stuff to the most. And listen to this, and while those chemicals are not used in other countries,

Craft dinner sold in North America still includes it just to make the food a brighter color. How about that? How about that little revelation here on the highway, gang? So it says keeping this chemical and craft dinner is an unnecessary potential risk. I don't know. I mean, aren't skin rashes and hyperactivity and asthma caused by just about anything?

I mean, don't people claim you drink a coffee and you get hyper. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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Asthma, really? I don't know. Listen, I'm not the expert here, but I've been eating that crap my whole life. And probably every kid I know has been eating. And I don't see any kid over at the craft wing of the hospital. I don't see anyone in the noodle wall. You know, I mean, if they said serious health issues and it says, you know, children are turning orange, right?

Or children are glowing orange. Or babies are coming out of women who eat craft dinner and they're orange and they smell like cheese. Okay. Let's get rid of yellow number five. Let's get rid of the tardazine. But listen, folks, I think most foods, most processed foods, even, and I don't know if you want to hear this, but even fruits, vegetables, tomatoes, apples, they put dye on these things, gang. They put coloring on even fresh fruit to make it more tantalizing, more appealing.

They put chemicals to make them shinier and crispier. And, oh, it's, I mean, I don't know how Kraft Dinner got singled out here, but, you know. And call me a health nut idiot. Call me the reverse of a health nut. Call me just an idiot, which most you usually do. I like the bright orange glowing neon risk-filled orange orange noodles orange noodles. Half the fun is pouring that horrible chemical and chemical bonfire onto your craft dinner noodles, man.

And for some reason, the brighter that cheesy powder gets, the more my mouth seems to water. To hell with yellow 5. Give me a pouch of yellow 12, man. Crank it up a few shades. okay give me uh you take me to level yellow 53 let's see how that pound puppy works i mean come on i want to turn yellow the way they the simpsons turn yellow i want to turn orange man i don't know i mean you've been to a fancy restaurant right they're like

it's all in the preparation it's all in the display it's all in the display it's all in the presentation. You know, you go to a fancy restaurant. They put a, you know, they'll put a slab of celery on the side or some parsley or they'll sprinkle like, you know, cinnamon, or they'll, you know, sprinkle pomegranate seeds or they'll drizzle caramel or chocolate. They'll drizzle chocolate across your pork chop for some reason. Like chocolate and pork go together well?

So all these colors and these little accents on food are designed to heighten our appetite, heighten our senses, make our mouths water. And, you know, if by making something bright orange does the trick, I'm all for it, man. In fact, I stopped, today I was going through traffic, and I stop and ate five traffic cones, man. I mean, those things are orange. They're giant craft dinner noodles running down the highway. Holy God, pull over. Little rubbery, but I'll take them.

So there you go. There you go, gang. And by the way, why is it called yellow? What is it called yellow number five when it's clearly orange? See, even that's like a, even that's like, deceptive the whole thing now i'm starting to wonder what the hell the noodles are what are those noodles made out of the hell are we eating i don't care it's delicious thank you one cheeseburger with everything coming up now how many of you have been arrested been to jail been in trouble with

the authorities with the law uh check it out man check it out how about have you ever been arrested for yelling bingo bingo uh this is a crazy story this is about a young teenager who uh you know had nothing better to do so we wandered into a bingo hall full of grannies and yelled bingo and they they slapped them in cuffs have a listen don't mess with bingo ladies one of mischievous teen learned that the heart He disrupted a very serious bingo match and got slapped with cuffs. For 18-year-old Austin Whaley, what may have seemed like a harmless prank spelled trouble. Last month, the teen walked into a local bingo hall in his hometown of Covington, Kentucky, and did the unthinkable.

He yelled out bingo. Bingo! The hall was filled with mostly elderly women, and according to an off-duty officer working security, quote, when they realized it wasn't a real. Bingo, they started hooting and hollering and yelling and cousin. People take their bingo very seriously. Bingo! That's when things got serious for Waley. Instantly grabbed my hand, handcuffs me, and then takes me to the back of his cruiser. Bingo! The officer arrested Waley and issued a citation for second degree disorderly conduct, saying the, quote, violator caused alarm to patrons. Bingo! Though the team faced up to 90 days in jail and a $250 fine,

the judge didn't throw the book. at the bingo bandit. Bingo! His punishment? For starters, he can no longer walk by the bingo hall. And he's also been ordered to think before speaking. Waley can't say the word bingo for six months. Bingo!

I kind of try to say it backwards, like, O bing or something along the line of that. Kids out there don't say mingo in the mingo hall. A new word not to live by. Bingo! Now, the officer who arrested Waley said the offense was no different than yelling fire in a crowded theater if whaley stays out of trouble for the next six months and that includes not saying the forbidden word the judge says the disorderly conduct charges will be dismissed bingo

wow oh man what a what a life lesson huh don't be don't be doing drive-by bingoes player i mean can you imagine that kid in prison in the in the lockdown up but uh you know San Quentin or you know some big high security prison this guy's somebody's prison bitch you can just

a mad late at night you're laying him bad some guys playing the harmonic in the background as this little guy's getting his back door action you just hear uh huh uh oh oh

bingo yeah that's right you're my little prison bingo bitch wow so there you go uh don't mess with the old the oldies the old ladies i mean people take their bingo seriously man i remember when i was a little kid uh we have a cottage up in northern canada and uh you know we were city folks we were born and raised in the city but every summer our folks took us up to this cottage it was on a lake in the middle of the forest and uh it was like a whole new world and the closest thing to us was a little tiny town a little tiny tiny town like

probably had a population of about maybe a hundred people i mean it wasn't much and in the town they had a gas station and a general store and a church and a community center it was really small and uh you know this goes back to the 60s the 70s when i was a little kid and neither Needless to say, you know, these folks were kind of hicks, you know, the good solid salt-of-the-earth folks. But, you know, back in those days, when you lived in a small town outside of a city, you had no connection to the big city. It's not like today where you have YouTube and social media and all the news channels. I mean, a lot of those communities when I was a kid out in the boonies, they didn't even get a TV signal. so they really just lived through the radio really you know and i'll never forget that a little

community center it's sometimes in the summer they would they would uh you know have bingo night and of course my mother who was uh you know always into these kind of games she she would take me and my sisters and my cousins tell for bingo night in this little town and you know she was just there to enjoy the bingo at the community center but us being kids you know we came from the city so we weren't kind of used to the country bumpkin kind of way people talked and looked and did their hair and the way they dressed and just their demeanor the way they socialized it was a lot different than what we knew it was alien um so on

Obviously, being alien and different and being out of context for us, kids, all we had was to really make fun of it. And we would laugh and look at the people, and it was kind of cruel, but, you know, we're in the bingo hall, and it's a foreign environment to us, and, you know, the hairdoes look different and just the look on people's faces, you know. and so me and my cousins who are little brats and you know naive and stupid kids we started looking at people in their characteristics and started giving giving names to everybody there was this one lady that had a really kind of high bun on her head she had a narrow face and kind of her teeth weren't too good and she had kind of these kind of crazy like bluish green eyes and right away we called her the wolf lady There was another kid that was kind of fat with glasses, and we called them chubby chicken.

Man, I'm laughing, just thinking about it. So we would see all these people, and we'd just start laughing and saying their names and making werewolf noises to the wolf lady. We're like, my mother, who took it real serious, and it was a social worker. so she had a very

a very astute social awareness social consciousness she was very sensitive to us mocking these locals and of course the more the matter she got the more upset she got about it the funnier it seemed to us you know how that

works with kids right that the more you're not supposed to do something the more you want to do it and so me and my cousin couldn't stop kind of whispering these jokes and comments back and forth and pointing and there goes chubby chicken goes the wolf lady and so all these characters you got to remember are under the roof of an already kind of funny situation a funny backdrop a local bingo hall at a small northern canadian town

and just the whole vibe was kind of weird and off you know it's kind of like a david lynch movie or something and as silly as it sounds that's actually a fond childhood memory of mine because it was so kind of out of left field and weird and obscure and uh you know just felt out of context but it was it was kind of unique and quirky and silly and so uh you know if I ever hurt the feelings of the wolf lady or a chubby chicken or any of you other local yokels. I do apologize. And, you know, let me just say to all of you, just so you know that my apology is sincere, let me just say this. Dingo!

And there you go. Bingo! Oh! Burr! Bung! Bingo! Bok, bop, bop, bach, bach, bach, bach, bach, bach, bach, bach, bach, bingo. Wolf lady!

Bingo! Bingo! Oh, jeez! I'm going straight to small town hell. Bingo! Oh, yeah. Wow. Okay, so there you go.

you go watch watch yourself behave and stay out of jail you don't want to be someone's prison house bingo bitch oh uh so hey let's wrap it up that's our show for today we end it at the bingo hall um don't forget uh if you're in seattle washington uh this weekend i will be there i will be there doing stand up live at the parlor live. You got to check it out. It's the beautiful comedy club called The Parlor Live. You can go to the website.

You can go to my website, harlowe Williams.com, and get all the information. Click on my stand-up tab, and that will take you to the links. You can order your tickets online, or there's a number there to call and make a reservation. It's a great club, great times. my friend Adam Ray will be opening for me there and come on out. Seattle, Washington, Thursday, March 28th,

right through till Saturday, March 30th. So Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I will be there. I will be selling my brand new stand-up special. Harlan Williams, a Force of Nature. You can pick one up after the show or if you're not going to be there, you can always go to harlomewilums.com and pick one up, a hard copy, or you can download on iTunes,

which is kind of the new way people are doing this kind of stuff. So cool, cool stuff. And then the next weekend, oh, my God, one of my favorite clubs. If you live in Ohio, specifically if you live in Columbus, Ohio, uh i will be there april we're kicking off april in columbus uh three nights only friday saturday and sunday april five six seven at the funny bone in columbus ohio again go to my website and uh you can get all the pertinent information right there at harlem williams dot com if you want to call and leave a phone message three two three seven three nine four three three zero If you want to write me, harlundwilliams.com is the place to go. And I hope you had a great time. And that's it.

We are done. Until next time, ladies and sniflertle blurgens, I will wish you goodbye by saying, as always, chicken. Chau-May, baby. Bingo!