The Harland Highway - 480 Dr. DEBBIE THYMER is back with life coaching advice. Chain gangs

Episode Date: March 28, 2013

Dr. Debbie Thymer returns with her expert life coaching advice, an insperational message from celebrity BEN STEIN, working on the CHAIN GANG, and murder by Mother Earth. Black and blue white shoe!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, howdy Cowboys and Cowgirls. Welcome to the Harland Highway Rodeo, or should I say podcast. Same deal. They're both insane. Both mad, full of energy, bucking and frolicing. I am he, Harlan Williams, and glad to have you here, the pavement pounders and everyone else who joins in. And what a show we have today. we have Dr. Debbie Timer on the show today.

People have been asking where she's been. Well, she's taking a call today. And hopefully she can give some help. She is a life coach. And speaking of life, some inspirational words from an unsuspecting person, some words about faith and God and guns and society. And interesting stuff coming on later in the show.

uh gonna be talking about working on the chain gang yeah that's right i was rubbing shoulders with a prison chain gang i'm gonna tell you about that and then towards the end of the show a wild wacky story way do you hear about how this man was killed okay this guy was killed in the most bizarre way that might have all of us a little scared for our lives uh you'll hear it on the wacky weird news stories but it's all weird because this is the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh?

You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing? You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. I don't want to get back mom. Oh, she to me.

Oh, she to me. Oh, she's to me. There it is. That's a chain gang. That's some chain gang music. And you're like, what the hell is Harland playing jail chain gang music? Well, here's why. And I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but it happened to me recently.

and it's a little unnerving. I'm driving around in the south. I'm driving around in Florida down like a back road, down like a minor highway. And all of a sudden some orange signs come up. And I'm thinking, okay, road work. You know, it looked like from the distance. It looked like one of those roadwork ahead, next 12 miles.

I get closer. and these big orange shines say caution state prisoners working on road. Drive slowly. And I'm like, wait a minute, what? All of a sudden I'm on a nice sundry drive looking for a place to picnic to lay out my blanket. I have a sausage and a bottle of Vino. Look into my love Mary Ellen's eyes. And all of a sudden I'm, I'm.

going through prisoners all of a sudden i'm i'm going through uh i'm driving through the backyard of alcatraz here wait a minute how does that happen and drive slowly excuse me suddenly i went from driving through daisies and butterflies and pine trees to now i'm i'm driving through a flock of murderers rapist gunmen thieves who knows whatever child molesters and i'm supposed to slow down why so one of these chain gang guys can jump in easier so he can fly through the window throw a rock in and card jack me oh i'm getting the hell out of this chain gang you see that Honda Prius coming or whatever the hell they are i'm jumping on that guys hang on

here it comes bang rocked through the window glad that idiot slowed down what the hell is that there's a lot of places prisoners can work how about out in a field how about out in a cabbage field or a root field or they're picking asparagus or you know picking celery or something How about washing windows up at the top of the Empire State Building? How about, you know, somewhere they're not in contact with me? I don't need to be a drive. You know, there's nowhere else for me to go. I'm not going to take a side street.

I mean, by the time you read the sign, you're already through it. It's like you ever go through it. It's a small, small world at Disneyland where you're in that little boat and you're floating past all those freaked out midgets from, Every culture on the planet. They're all just standing on the walls, like with their beady little multicultural eyes staring at you. That's what this feels like, except it's like hardened criminals.

It's a small, small, small, small world full of rapists and murderers. Hello. And so you're driving through, and it's a little unsettling. And sure enough, here's all these guys on the side of the road with their prison garb on and not only are they on the side of the road, but they got pickaxes and rakes and hammers and axes and sharp gardening instruments. Okay, in the hands of you or me,

that's an afternoon picking weeds for them. That's like, oh, man, I just got me a way out. Yeah, these hedge trimmers should make a nice weapon. There's the highway. Here comes a car. Tick-ting. It's a little scary, a little weird. A little weird driving through the prisoners.

Have you ever done that? Anybody ever done? I want to hear from you if you've ever done that. How did that make you feel? You can call me. 3-2-3-739-4-3-3-0 or write me at harlorewilums.com. I want to know if it made you uncomfortable. And I guess it's okay.

You know, if I'm a prisoner, I'm thinking, okay, gosh, do I want to sit in my cubicle all day? Do I want to go out and cut down stumps and weeds and trim bushes? Do I want to get outside in the air? Do I want to feel spider webs and caterpillars in my hair? I want ticks crawling into my skin. Do I want hornet nests swarming me? You're damn right I do.

So I, you know, I guess they're providing a service, but at the same time, you got to admit, it's a little weird. What's a family, a little minivan with a family, kids? Mom and dad, dad's an accountant. He doesn't know how to fight. to defend himself driving through a suddenly you're driving through like 50 60 prisoners with your family daddy what are those people uh they're uh they uh work for the department of roads and uh sanitation well how come one of them just like drew his finger across his throat as an indication that he

was going to slash my neck. Uh, uh, uh, hit the gas, hit the gas. So there you go, gang. Creepy experience, just another weird thing happening on the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Thimer, and I am your life coach, and today we'll be taking calls from all over the country, uh, from East Coast to West Coast, and...

We'll be checking in with you. I want to know what's going on in your life, and you can fill me in with the good, the bad, the ugly, whatever. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm here to help you. So let's see. It looks like our phone lines are lighting up. And let's take a call. Looks like it's coming from South Carolina.

Let's go, hello, South Carolina. you are on the air with Dr. Debbie Timber. You're a life coach. Um, hi, is this Dr. Debbie? Yes, it is. How are you? Oh, that's good. How are you, Dr. Debbie?

I just said I'm good, so let's get on with it. What can we talk about today to help get your life on track, child? What? To get your life on track. What is it? On track. your life. What do you mean on track?

Like a dog track or something? Dr. Debbie timer? No, not a dog track. It's a figure of speech, getting your life on track. Like a racetrack with a cars go round and round and round and round and round. Dr. Debbie? No, not a race track. What is going on in your life?

Oh, well, Dr. Debbie, I have kind of an embarrassing situation. Okay, what is it, child? Um, I don't know if I can just blurt it out. Are we on the radio? Yes, you are. You're on a nationally syndicated, globally heard podcast by child. Oh, my God, I just had a wet fart in my underpants. I'm sorry.

What's up, Dr. Debbie? I'm sorry. Where is it, Dr. Debbie? He's so funny. Why did your voice crack? I'm sorry, child. I just swallowed wrong. Oh.

Okay, Dr. Debbie. I'm sorry. What did you say? I had a wet fart, Dr. Debbie. Just relax, child. You're on the air, and that's why we're here to share your experiences and your problems and situations with our audience. And hopefully I can help resolve. Oh, that's excellent, Dr. Debbie.

So let's get on with it. What's going on in your life, child? Well, um, it's my boyfriend. I'm kind of hesitant to talk about it. That's okay. Relationships are what I do best and just throw it out there. Well, okay. Okay, no laughing.

Just, I know you might have the nervous giggles, but just put it out there. Stop the laughing, child. I'm so madmast I can't help it. Stop the fucking laughing, you fucking tarred. What, Dr. Debbie? I'm sorry, child. Just go ahead and tell me what's going on. Well, Dr. Debbie, my boyfriend, Alan.

Yes. Whoops, I said his name. Is that okay? It's perfectly fine, as long as you don't say his last name. You mean Davidson? Child. Alan Davidson? Oh, my God. Stop it, child.

I said his last name, Dr. Debra. Child, just relax. But I said his whole name, his whole name and nothing but the truth his whole name. Child, get your fucking thoughts together. you fucking brain-dead zombie fuck. Oh, Dr. Debbie, that's harsh. What did you want to talk about, child? Well, my boyfriend wants to do do do doggie.

Well, okay, look, this is a common thing. I've heard it before. It's nothing to be ashamed about or embarrassed about. It's a legitimate question. And more than that, child, it's a legitimate position. What do you mean a position, Dr. Debbie? Well, it's when you're experimenting in the bedroom. Sometimes couples will go from a standard missionary position to what we call the doggie.

Yes, that's what he wants to do with the doggy. And I just don't want anything to do with it. I'm afraid of it, Dr. Debbie. There's no need to be afraid of the doggy. In fact, it could be a pleasurable experience. I don't know. When I was a child, I was bit. What do you mean you were bit?

I was bit by a doggy. What are you talking about, child? Well, I went up to pet a cocker spaniel, Dr. Debbie, that was walking down the street, and I got clothes, and he started petting him on top of the head, and I didn't know where he bit me. Ouch, ouch, ouch, it hurts. Ow, Dr. Debbie.

Ow, ow, doggy hurt. Okay. Okay. Are we talking about the sexual position doggy style? What's that? It's when you get on your knees and your hands and you bury your retarded face in the pillow. Oh, that's mean. And you take it from behind.

Take what from behind, Dr. Debbie? You take your boyfriend's penis. You mean Alan Christopher? I thought you said it was David something or other. I changed it. Good Christ, child. Have you been hit in the head with a helicopter propeller? Dr. Debbie, I'm scared as a doggy.

I don't want a doggy. Are you talking about getting an actual dog? Yes, he wants to get a boxer or a poodle or possibly even a cock or span. I've already had a bad experience with that. Okay, I thought we were talking about the sexual position. You are retarded. Hang up. Hang up now.

Oh, Dr. Debbie, don't say that. Hang up. Fuck, Tard. Oh, I can't hang it. How old dog are you going to bite me? Bent over with face and pillow, Dr. Debbie. Hang up, garbage bag, face. Tard.

Oh, don't hang up. Hang up on him. No, don't hang up. Oh, no. What is wrong? What is wrong? Hang up on her. Good Christ.

What do you mean? a time. Are you telling me that jackass used up all our time? Unbelievable. Just for the record, all you people at home. Doggy, it, forget it. Just, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer. I'm your life coach. I'm just mixed up. Let's, I'll catch you next time. Unbilly. Can you screen those calls just a little goddamn better? Do you think that's possible? Fucking asshole. I'm going for a coffee. What? We're still on the air.

Great, you fucking dillweed. I'm going for a Starbucks. Oh, boy. That didn't go well. Dr. Debbie, are you there? Hello? Hello? Okay, well, you cut out.

Roger, you cut out. I was trying to connect with Dr. Debbie. I know she said she was going for a Starbucks, but I was trying... Whatever. You don't cut me off for when I'm trying to talk to people. Paul. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Well, anyhow, let's switch gears. That was kind of, that went just negative.

of let's go to something positive here and i want to read you something it doesn't belong to me it actually comes from uh quite an unexpected place an unexpected voice i'm sure many of you are familiar with the the actor and the economist and uh the game show host ben stein he's that old guy with the glasses and the big nose and he talks really slow he got famous for being the school teacher and Ferris Bueller's day off. He was like, Bueller, Bueller, anyone, Bueller, that guy. So I dug up a commentary that he did, and it's a little bit based around religion.

But, you know, I told you before, I'm not a super religious guy. I believe there's a higher power, but I'm not an organized religion. guy. I don't actually like it that much, but I've always said that, you know, religion, a lot of bad things come from religion, a lot of wars, and a lot of people have died over religion. But if you can peel away the violence that humankind, you know, perpetuates through religion, and you just try to separate all that madness and chaos from, you know, perpetuates, and you just try to separate all that madness and chaos from the basic message of religion, which is, you know, overall, it's good. Religion is, you know, religion is, at its core, it espouses a love and harmony and brothership and all that stuff.

Now, obviously, it's gotten skewed, and people take it to the extreme, and people start wars and terrorism and all this stuff. stuff, which is so sad over something that was meant to, I think, help guide humanity. I think at the beginning, religion was a good thing, and it was to help guide us human beings who are all flawed and who all tend to be tempted to lean to the dark side and, you know, let's face it, humans can be very evil if they want. want to be. And, you know, I think religion, the good and hopeful message in religion, I think sometimes keeps people from going to the dark side. And I don't want this whole conversation to be about religion, but I'm trying to preface it by saying, you know, try and take the huge religious

aspect out of this and think about God and religion as a good thing, as a good thing. I read this commentary from Ben Stein, and I think you'll find some very poignant things in this. I think you'll find it striking and try not to, you know, get overly, like, entrenched in all the, oh, God, there is pushing religion. That's not what I'm doing here. I'm reading this hoping that maybe you hear something in it that moves you or, or, uh, inspires you or, I don't know, has some, it resonates with you. I don't know, or maybe you'll get nothing, but don't be freaked out because it's talking about God and religion, and I think this commentary actually drives the point home.

So here it is. These are words from Ben Stein. I thought they were important and interesting to share with you. So here we go. Now, this was something that was read by Ben Stein on, I guess at some point, the CBS Sunday morning commentary. I did not see it, but someone sent this to me. So here we go. This is Ben Stein's words, and this piece is called My Confession.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew. And I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christian. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it being shoved down my throat. Or maybe I can put it in another way. Where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities, and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand him.

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to. In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different. This is not intended to be a joke. It's not funny, and it's not funny. It's not funny.

It's intended to get you thinking. in light of recent events, terrorist attack, school shootings, et cetera. I think it started when Madeline Murray O'Hare, she was murdered, her body found a few years ago, complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said, okay. Then someone said, you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself.

And we said, okay. Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehaved because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem. Dr. Spock's son committed suicide. We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said, okay. Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience,

why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves. Probably if we think about it, long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with we reap what we sow. Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. funny how you can send jokes through email and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord

people think twice about sharing funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and the workplace are you laughing yet funny how when you forward this message you will not send it to many of you on your address list because you're not sure what they believe or what they will think of you sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass this on if you think it has merit. If not, then just discard it. No one will know you did. But if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in. So obviously this was one of those emails. And in the end it says, best regards, honestly and respectfully, Ben Stein. So interesting, you know. This message I thought was, you know, pertained to a lot of the energy and, you know, what's going on in our society here in the U.S. of A. today.

And, you know, as I said, some of it talks about God and the Bible, but it also talks about the Constitution. the juxtaposition between the media and the Bible and blah, blah, blah. So, again, I'm not trying to push religion or anything like that. I just thought this might be interesting. Food for thought. And I think there's some truth in there from where I sit. Maybe not where you sit.

You might just be like, oh, God, turning this off. But hopefully you listen to it with an open mind. And who knows, maybe you get. something out of it i don't know but thought i'd share it with you there it is and uh now let's get to something more important the harland highway crazy news story that's weird wow that's strange stuff yeah did you hear about this i was in florida a couple of weeks ago doing a gig and while i was down there this is this is crazy this is this is this is This is weird stuff.

Some guy was sleeping in his house down in Florida. He was in one bedroom. His brother was in the other bedroom, some other people in other areas of the house. They hear a loud noise like crashing and banging and a ruckus in the middle of the night. One brother runs into the other brother's room and the other brother is gone. And underneath the floor of his bedroom, a sinkhole has opened up. and swallowed his brother in his bed.

Can you imagine that? You run into your brother's room and the earth has opened up and your brother in his bed is gone, he's down in a giant hole in the ground. First of all, what are the odds of a sinkhole opening up right underneath you in your house, in your bedroom? And then secondly, what are the odds you just happen to be asleep? I mean, what a horrific way to go, man. Hey man, how'd your brother die?

Planet Earth swallowed him? Excuse me? Yes, planet Earth opened up and ate him alive. I'm sorry, how did your brother die? I'm telling you, Planet Earth opened its big pie hole and sucked my brother in. He's gone. Okay, what happened?

He fell off a cliff? No, he was sleeping. Excuse me? Yes, he was asleep, counting sheep. I mean, who goes to bed at night? Do you? Do you go to bed at night? You know, I think we're worried about the creature under the bed,

the monster in the closet, maybe our husband or wife snoring or farting. Have any of you ever worried? as you lay your little head down on your pillow at night that maybe the earth under your bed is going to open up and you're going to get swallowed by your own planet that you love? Wow. That's just like terrifying, man.

This poor guy. I mean, the only good news is you really don't have to pay for a few, like a graveyard. You know, it's like, you know, tear the house down and just leave a couple of two-by-fours in the shape of a cross and write your brother's name on it. Because he's already six feet under, you know. What are you going to do? Dig him up, take him up the hill to the graveyard, and then put him in a hole in the ground up in the graveyard? Redundant. I've been there, done that, okay?

And what would you rather be buried in a wooden coffin or like in your own bed with your sheets and your favorite pillow and your little stuffed teddy bear and you're snuggled up in your little jammies? That might be better instead of, you know, going to a funeral home, getting your fluids sucked out. They put you in a stiff old suit, stuff you in a wooden box and then put you in a sinkhole that they created. Uh-uh, man. Maybe this guy got it got it the best. So rest in peace, buddy, and Mother Earth, take a chill pill, man. Just to dial it back a few notches, Bell Grande. Wow.

I don't know. I might put some chains on the end of my bandboards and rivet them into the ceiling. So that should, should the earth open up, my bed's dangling over the precipice? I guess the only person that's really safe in this whole madness, this sinkhole madness, would be Linda Blair. Right? The girl from the exorcist, you know, the minute the earth opens up, her bed just starts floating up. Oh, Jesus. Mother, your mother sucks, cox in hell.

mother earth the devil she just starts hovering she gets saved by the devil will all us god-fearing folks get gobbled up by god's green earth not fair just not fair well rest in peace to this guy man what a way to go no one should go in their sleep like that unbelievable and even sadder folks I think this brings us to the end of the show. So there you go. A little bit of everything today. Advice from Debbie Timer, chain gangs, some inspirational or ridiculous words from Ben Stein, however you decide to take it, sinkholes. Crazy.

We better get out of here. But before we do, let's not forget, gang. If you want to see me live, This weekend, come to Seattle, Washington, man. I will be at the parlor live. The parlor live in Seattle, Washington. Go to my website, harlorn Williams.com, and you can pull up the dates.

Go to my stand-up page and click on that. And let's get her done. And then the following weekend, I'll be on the east side of the country. I will be in Columbus, Ohio, at the Funny Bone. And let me give you the dates for the Seattle gig, first of all. It'll be this weekend, Thursday, March 28th through the 30th. That's Thursday through Saturday. And then the next weekend, April, let's kick off spring, kick off April.

It'll be April 5th, which is a Friday, right through to April 7th, which is a Sunday. So I hope we see you there, gang. Check out harloweems.com to get all the info. Don't forget check out our store where my new stand-up DVD is available. Harlem Williams, a force of nature. You can order that at the harlomwilms.com store. You can write me at harloweems.wilm. Or even leave a phone message, if you like, at 323-739, 433.

And that's it, man. I'm going to go pour concrete all over my lawn just for safety purposes. And until then, chicken chowmaine, baby.