The Harland Highway - 481 CELEBRITY RACES with CHARLES PARSLEY, Free money.

Episode Date: April 1, 2013

Celebrity racing with Charles Parsley, Someone is giving out free money, a great Canadian rock tune, and the crunchiest place on earth. Flip it flap it stack it!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a show, late December back in 52. No, no, no, no, it's not late December, and we're not in 52. This is modern day right here, a rata now, a rata chair, a rata now. You are on the Harlan Highway, that's where you are. With me, your host, Harlan Williams, and you are the pavement pounders riding along. And what a show we have today. Night, Nellie Frittato. Go to bed, eat your Teddy Ruckspin with your Frittato face.

We're going to be talking about a bonanza at a high school. Some little girl decided to walk into her high school and start handing out cash to the other students. Wait a hear this wacky story. We're going to be going to the Celebrity Racetrack with Charles Parsley today. we got some incredible celebrities. What a great race we have lined up. Charles Parsley would be calling the celebrity racetrack action as our celebrities pound down the street down the racetrack.

We're going to be talking about the most impossible thing to get clean in the world. Yeah. And then we got a great Canadian song coming up by the guess who at the end of the show. We're going to play it for you and analyze. you're going to have a blast right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You are causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing?

You just made a wrong turn. to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. You want to know what one of the... Well, you know, there's all these categories.

Like, you know, the hardest substance in the world is a diamond and the heaviest mineral is a gold is gold or whatever i don't know how accurate any of those are but you know what i'm saying like certain things have certain properties that make them uh what they are and um here's one for you that's gross but do you know the hardest thing in the world to clean is your spatula you know the thing you flip your eggs and your pancakes with yeah i mean how many times have you like made scrambled eggs or eggs or something and you stick the old flipper or spatula or whatever you want to call it into the dishwasher and you pull it out and everything else is sparkling clean in the dishwasher but the

tip the edge on the front of your flipper has always got like crust. It's always got a strata of crust, a layer of crust that never seems to come off. So you leave it in the dishwasher, you go, all right, I'll put it through the system again. And you put it through another cycle and it's still there. Am I right? Am I the only one who has this problem? It always seems to me that damn gross egg and pancake flipper just can never get clean,

especially the front tip, the tip, the flat tip, the flat edge that makes contact with the fry pan, the flat front of it that snakes underneath a fried egg or moves the scrambled eggs around or whatever. Ugh, it's always, it's like a dirty foot. It's like a fungus growing on the end, man. It's disgusting. And ultimately what I always have to do is I have to like get my thumbnail

because I'm like, you know what? Good old-fashioned soap and detergent and hot boiling water and a chainsaw just ain't going to cut it. And so you have to do is you've got to get your thumbnail and just like, scrape along the edge and all that dry crust, whatever the hell it is, plasma, microbes, I don't know what the hell forms

on the end of a flipper. And you have to scrape your thumb across and grind it up and it comes up all over your thumbnail. And, ugh, gross. and then what do you do you go ahead and stick it right back in your food in the fry pan great so i don't know what it is about the uh you know the old uh flipper the spatula but like all these other categories in life you know Everest is the highest mountain um you know all these things The grossest and the crustiest I say here today is the spatula.

The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. That's strange stuff. Crazy. Yeah, sometimes crazy can be pretty good. Check this out, man. Check this out, man, oh, man alive.

uh why didn't i go to this school some kids showed up at her school okay showed up at her high school and uh she started uh handing out cash she's at a middle school she shows up to class with a backpack stuffed with 20 grand started handing out wads giant wads of cash to where friends the officials are saying how awesome is that man a 12 year old girl received money from another child who lives across the street from her parents house in taylor a suburb near detroit uh the people the people running the administrators at the uh six grade school became suspicious when the girl was spotted doling out stacks of $100 bills to her classmates. Some of the kids were given as much as $500 bucks.

Why aren't I at that school? I never got that. I had to shell out money to buy a stale donut and soggy French fries. No one ever handed me, you know, no kid ever walked up to me, Hey, Harland, here's 500, man. What's this for? I don't know. You know, I just, I saw you in the hallway, man.

So here's 500, and here's another 200, just for the hell of it, man. So check it out. This is real. Here's the news story. Have a listen. It's not exactly an incident. Schools are used to dealing with, but after a 12-year-old student showed up with $20,000 with a cash in her backpack, It has a lot of people asking who, what, wear one, and why, including police.

Large bills, $100 bills. $20,000 to be exact. It's certainly more lunch money than the average student needs. But that large sum of cash was found inside of a 12-year-old girl's backpack. And that's what brought Taylor Police to the 6th grade academy Monday. It had word gotten out to maybe someone other than some other 12-year-olds that could put her in a dangerous position. So how did teachers spot the month? Money trail, Taylor Chief Mary Sclobasi says the student wasn't exactly keeping the cash to

herself. The principal became aware of this when the girl started distributing some of the cash just and followed students, as high as $500 to some students, some got as much as $200. The assistant superintendent from the Taylor School District released this statement. The situation that took place yesterday at our sixth grade academy building was truly an unusual one. We do not have a specific protocol for this type of situation. There was no threat to the student body in the building, and the matter is currently in the hands of the Taylor Police.

We're talking with the family about how this happened, and we're glad that this ended safely for her, and that it was retrieved. So how the money got in the backpack? Still a mystery. Police are still working with the student's parents for questioning. In the meantime, the 12-year-old did go back to school today. For backpack, a little less heavy. Drug dealers. Parents are drug dealers.

Oh, oh, oh, drug dealer parents. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, Charles, oh, Nelson, Riley. Really? You think maybe our folks might be up to something illegal? I mean, listen, all you pavement pounders, how many of you listening right now lived in a house growing up and your parents kept a backpack full of $100 bills sitting in the corner. I think when you run into that type of situation,

there's probably something afoot in the house. Somebody's hiding some tax money or something. Something ain't right. And here's his little kid, you know, goofing around, sniffing around, rooting around in the basement or something Zip What the hell's this? Look at all this old money

It's probably play money I'm going to give it out at school Or maybe the kid was just like Unpopular and like Man I don't have anyone for the prom No one sits with me at lunch No one plays with me No one talks to me

Wait a minute Wait a minute How about a buyout? How about a payoff? Okay $500 to be my friend. Okay, I'll be your friend, man, just for a day. I'll give you 500 more tomorrow. I'm in.

Or how many of you kids, think about it, you're 12 years old, you stumble on 20 grand in a backpack. Now, let's face it, most 12-year-old kids don't have money. When I was a kid, you gave me $5. I was like, are you kidding me? Five old dollars? Oh, my God. And when I was a kid, five bucks bought you everything, man. Five bucks was a windfall.

So if you stumble on 20K, you know, as a 12-year-old, you don't spend a lot. You don't have a lot of overhead. You don't have a lot of expenses, right? So wouldn't you just kind of hide that money and hold onto it? Like, you know, find an old tree tree. in the backyard and stuff it in and it's like a hundred bucks a week or a hundred bucks every four days oh that would last you right through to your like 27 man okay so 12 year old kid a dumbass giving away all the loot what's wrong with you man you could be you could be riding

high on that that loot all the chocolate bars and bubble gum and Comic books, your heart desires. Just a thought, man. Well, I'm going to take a little break here. I'm going to head down to the local schoolyard right now and see if I can't drum up some lunch money. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Charles Pazley, and welcome to the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack.

We have some wonderful celebrities today waiting to run down the track. We have Kristen Stewart, Kristen Stewart from the Twilight Saga, beautiful, wonderful actress, Taylor Swift, singer, songwriter, unbelievable superstar, Daniel Radcliffe from the Harry Potter movies, and actor Willem Defoe. And there they go. They are off. They are running down the track, charging through the track. There's a little mud on the track. There was some light precipitation last night, and Christian Stewart is pulling out in the lead. Her long, virile, tight legs, hammering the mud, running down the track, and the people are cheering at her, and she scowls at them. She scowls at them. Somehow she can't seem to smile. Her face locked in a permanent scowl.

And here comes Della Swift. Della Swift running down the track. She seems to be slowed down a little bit as she pulls out her guitar. She's pulling out a guitar, and it looks like she's turned to Willem Defoe. And Daniel Radcliffe, she's breaking up with them as they run down the track. I don't know that she ever dated them, but she's breaking up with them, and she's writing songs about them. Daniel Radcliffe, not aging well.

He's one of those child actors that started off cute, But now he's looking awkward, strange, and weird, not comfortable at his own skin, and he pulls out his magic wand. He's pulled out his Harry Potter stick. He's trying to do spells on his own face to try to improve his looks. I'm sure he'd be better off if he turned around and tried to fix the face of Willem Defoe, who's charging down the track. His eyebrows up in the air, his eyes glazed over. He seems to be getting creepier with every stride he takes.

His creepy smile, looking back at Kristen Stewart, who still can't smile. People in the crowd are holding up. It looks like a baby, a little baby cuddled up to a kitten and a little fluffy duckling, and she refuses to smile. Somebody's just held up a baby panda playing with a butterfly. She won't smile. Somebody's handed her a happy face. She's torn it in half and Taylor Swift.

Looks like she's breaking up with herself. Daniel Radcliffe trying to get better looking. Willem Defoe is charging down the back side. He's coming in, his face twisted and contorted in a creepy victory grin. Willem Defoe takes it as Kristen Stewart seems to be scowling at Taylor Swift. As Taylor Swift breaks up with her, even though they weren't going out. and looks like Daniel Radcliffe has snapped his magic wand over his leg, frustrated that his awkward half-man, half-boy looks are not changing one iota.

A wonderful day at the races, Willem Defoe takes it, he stands in the winning circle with a creepy grin. He's spooking all the horses. The horses are galloping away. An incredible day at the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. I'm Charles Parsley. We'll see you next time. Wow. What an incredible race. Holy mercantile. Holy mother of mercantile, whatever that means.

Wow, that Taylor Swift, how the tide seems to be turning on that girl. She was like everybody's sweetheart, everybody's darling. And now you get the feeling people are just finding her annoying. all her songs about breaking up and all her press interviews about talking about finding the right person and maybe it's me and I don't know you get the feeling the tides just to turn it on that little freak seems to happen a lot with these kids that are young

you know the young kids uh you know as they as they start to grow into maturity the tide seems to turn on them. It's sometimes it's hard for them to make the leap from that kind of junior fame to the grown-up fame, like Miley Cyrus, you know, and people of that ilk. It's like Miley was all the rage,

and she was kind of cute as like a 12, 13-year-old, but now that she's like kind of making the leap into her 20s, She kind of looks a little manly, a little off. Little, that cuteness is kind of turned into that kind of celebrity. I wish I was better looking kind of desperation thing. And she doesn't really have her show anymore on Disney, and it's not like she was overly superly talented. You know, she was one of those kids that was created in a boardroom somewhere.

It's not like she slugged it out in coffee houses and played the B circuit, you know, singing in the back of a smoke-filled crowded room pouring out her heart. No, this was a little kid that was cast in the boardrooms of Disney and was like, oh, she's got cute bangs, big blue eyes. Yeah, she'll do. Let's make her into a fictional rock star. And then when the show goes away, what do you got? your career is based on something that was made up. So how do you sustain that hype, that level?

And there's so many kids, young stars that are just left in that way. The guys like Leif Garrett and, you know, all these kids that were superstars when they were like, you know, 10 to like 15 and then boom, it just got really hard. I'm wondering if it'll happen with Beber, Justin Bieber. If he'll be able to make the leap from kid superstar into adult. I don't know. The kid's definitely charming and good-looking enough that he might be able to do it. He's got kind of those matinee idle look, so maybe he'll...

I can see Bieber doing what Justin Timberlake did, you know? All the other guys from the boy bands, they never went anywhere. But Timberlake somehow managed his career where he slowly transitioned into movies and things like that. And he's not really overly that good looking. So I have a sneaky feeling Timberlake or Bieber. Beber will maybe make that leap. I hope so. As you know, if you listen to the show, you know,

I don't know how many podcast episodes back, but I met the kid. And like I said, he seemed like a real sweet kid. So I hope he makes out okay. And, you know, and he's a homegrown kid. So, and speaking of homegrown kids, when I say homegrown, I mean Canadian. You know, as you know, I'm a Canadian kid. And I wanted to share with you something that was cool and Canadian. And I think you guys will appreciate this since we're here talking about music.

There was a band, a Canadian band, a great band. You probably know them called The Guess Who, who are a Canadian band. They sang that song, American Woman. That's their song. They sang these eyes. They sang all kinds of big hits. You'd know them if you heard them. And the lead singer is a guy named Burton Cummings.

Great voice, killer voice. And this guy was born in Saskatoon, which is a city. Well, actually, I don't know if he was born in Saskatoon. It might have been born in Winnipeg. But anyways, he was a prairie boy. Saskatoon, Winnipeg, Calgary. These are all cities up in northern Canada. Canada, in the prairie provinces, right in the middle.

Saskatchewan, Alberta, and Manitoba. It's like Manitoba is over Minnesota. Saskatchewan is over like the Dakotas. And I think Alberta's like over the Montana area. And right around there. So anyways, Burton Cummings came from that region. and he wrote a song back, way back in the day when he was with the guest suit called Running Back to Saskatoon. Saskatoon is the big city in the province of Saskatchewan, which is a flat province.

It's considered flat from top to bottom. It's just full of wheat fields, and it's like the breadbasket of Canada. And it's full of grain elevators and all this stuff. Very humble play. and Burton Cummings wrote a song called Running Back to Saskatoon. And they used to play it on the radio when I was a kid. And I was like, what is this hokey song about this guy singing about being homegrown and grain elevators? And, you know, who wants to hear this corny stuff?

It was kind of cheesy and felt small town. And it didn't really feel rock and roll. But I recently heard the song again. And I listen to it, you know, through the ears of a guy who's now grown up and who's lived in the cities and has seen the world and has traveled the world and, you know, knows a little bit about life and all the pitfalls. And this song kind of, there's some real beauty to it, I find, because it kind of takes this singer back to his humble beginnings. and kind of a smaller, quieter, more humble place. And on top of that, it's kind of a catchy tune. But it really resonated with me hearing it this time around,

and I really enjoyed it. And I thought there was a real innocence and a charm to it. And so let me play it for you now. This is a Burton Cummings, a lead singer of the Guess Who, singing this kind of down-to-earth charming rock song called Running Back. to Saskatoon.

There's a province up in Canada that's right next door to ours. It's called Saskatchewan. And in that province, there's a small town where nothing much ever happens called Saskatoon. It's a tune above that town just called running back to Saskatoon.

Go, go, go. Thank you. I've been hanging around gas stations, I've been hanging around gas stations, I've been to learn about tires, I've been talking like three small keys, I've been working on collars. Who's just off in a loose of it, too, running back to slaskin' too. Brent did tell us had no betters that had. Singing of the granny too. Singing of the granny too.

Where is baby talking? I've been hanging around libraries I've been learning about books I've been talking to playwriter I've been working on words phrases We've got some few Who's been too

Running back to slash you too There's Deuntary's that a medicine hat Singing of a prairie two Singing of a prairie two Statue one I'll be hanging around hospitals I've been talking to hard doctors I've been working on your seas

Who's just a few Moose of it too Running back to smash me too Redding terrorists And a medicine hat Singing of a frilly tune This dude This dude is

Oh, roll Don't come from Hong Kong This dude is home Roll Don't come from Hong

Hong I've been hanging around great elevators, I've been hanging around great elevators, I've been learning about food. Soil farmers I've been working on land This jaw saw a few Loose of it too Running back to Saskatoon When did you tell us

And a medicine hat Singing of a prayer in two Singing of a prayer in two I've been hanging around camera stores I've been learning my sight I've been talking to filmmakers I've been working on eyes Who's just a few

I'm going to do Running back to sash me too When did you tell us That our medicine had Singing of a prayer Two Singing of a prayer To sing

We're on a hornet on a hornetong of what would This moon is home Oh Don't come from home Oh, come. This thing is on, oh, now, now, oh, come. Oh, come. Now, now, bye, babe, sir.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, it's a charmer. Here's what I love about it. It's so refreshing. You can see why when I was a kid, I thought it was so hokey, you know. Here's this guy singing about this city and the prairies.

It didn't really mean anything. But then when you realize that life is more than just about the fast car you buy and the money you make, it's about where you're from, it's about where you grow up. It's about the little things that shape your life. life. And this song, it didn't really resonate with me until I got older, and I realized that a lot of the charm in life just comes from the simplest things. And, you know, I urge you to go back and listen to this song, but, um, I mean, just great lines like, I've been hanging around gas stations.

And then he goes, I've been learning about tires. Like, who writes a lyric I've been learning about tires and then he goes i've been hanging around libraries i've been learning about books he says he's been talking to playwriters he goes i've been learning about words and then he yelled in the back and phrases i mean what a song and i did a i did a thing the other week about how songs nowadays seem so dead to me they're all about people hanging out in the club and getting their drink on and looking for bitches and whatnot. And this song just kind of drives home. It's so original and I don't know.

It's so full of life. He sings about, I've been hanging around hospitals. I've been learning about dying. Like, that's kind of odd. How about this side? I've been hanging around heart doctors. I've been learning about disease. like who hangs around heart doctors and then here's a here's a line that i really love it's kind of

the part of the chorus later on he spins a little bit of hometown pride which uh i think is just great he starts singing he goes this boy is homegrown don't come from hong kong and i think that's just great like he's like look i'm from here man this This is where I was born. This is where my ancestors are from. Well, actually, a lot of his ancestors are probably from Europe, Ireland, England, all that. But I guess this song came out around the time when Canada was probably more, probably predominantly white, Irish, Catholic. And there was a time in the 80s when North America felt like they were being infiltrated by the Asian invalienable.

He's Asian, you know, Japanese cars and all this stuff. So he's, like, yelling about how he's homegrown, which I think is great. Nowadays, some people might go, oh, that's racist. But now, you got to let it go, man. You got to put this place in a time. And there's nothing wrong with home pride. I got to say, that's something that worries me. You almost like, should I be guilty that he's yelling?

He's homegrown, and he's not from Hong Kong. And then I go, well, is there a kid in Hong Kong somewhere going, I'm from Hong Kong. I'm not from Canada or United States. Like would I flinch if I heard that? No, it's like, good for you, kid. So I'm not going to flinch here. I think it's great.

Little homegrown pride. And then he starts singing about other bizarre stuff. He's singing about he's been hanging around grain elevators. he's been learning about food and this one kills me he goes I've been talking to soil farmers I've been learning about land

like hold that lyric up to what you're hearing on the radio today you gotta love it man it's just charming it's so real it's so like it in fact it's so real it seems foreign

in today's music climate where people are talking about all the bullshit in life in the world. And can you imagine a modern, like Lady Gaga or one of these boy bands or even like, you know, Oasis or someone like that or machine head or whatever you listen to? Can you imagine a line, I've been hanging around soil farmers, I've been learning about Land. Nobody does that, man. You got to love the, you know, he's talking about hanging around camera stores and talking to film makers. You heard it.

And if you're kind of iffy on it on the first run through, go back and look at it with the perspective of, you know, how kind of phony music is today. A lot of it, not all of it, but a lot of it's just phony and has no grounding in reality. or grounded in experience, or has its roots in something. But if you feel like, go back and listen to this song again and really absorb the homegrown feel, the essence of the song, that, you know, this guy's done this stuff. He's living this. And all the other little lyrics he's belting out.

he goes running back to Saskatoon And then he's like Moose jaw medicine hat Those are all little towns he's yelling out There's probably a couple of In the verses there where you're like Well what is he saying here But when he does that run

Moose jaw medicine hat blah He's actually yelling out Little prairie towns that are actually smaller Than Saskatoon They're dotted all over you know up in Canada there in the prairie provinces so i don't know i might be over and analyzing it but to me it's kind of a breath of fresh air it's something that as i said in my early years of life i just blew by it i was like this is stupid but now that i'm a little older i find it uh i find

it quite refreshing but i'll leave it up to you how you feel uh give it a listen give it a couple of listens if you want and uh i i hope but uh i Hope it does something for you. Hope it, you have fun with it. And we'll end the show right there, man. That's a good place to end on a nice, fun breath of fresh air tune, rockin' tune. And speaking of running to different towns, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, ladies and snorflirtle bluergens?

Please come and see me in Columbus, Ohio. this weekend at the Funny Bone, Columbus, Ohio Funny Bone. I'll be there April 5th through April 7th. What a great club. We're going to be doing stand-up comedy, and then at the end of the stand-up, we're going to be doing improv. We're going to take suggestions from you people in the audience, and we're going to be doing some sketch comedy,

and I'm telling you, folks, it's just as fun as the stand-up portion. You're going to love it. So get your tickets online. Go to harlough williams.com. Click on the stand-up link and make sure you get a seat because this one, every show, sells out when I come to Columbus. It's probably one of my top clubs in the country. So I don't want you to be left out in the cold.

And then don't forget, April 18th, a few weeks later, 18th through the 21st, I'll be in Kansas, Kansas City, and I will be at the improv in Kansas. So, again, go online, get your tickets. And then the following week after that, April 26 to the 28th, I will be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, at the Improv. So a lot of good tours coming up, man. It is going to be a blast.

Don't forget while you're on the page, check out Harlow Williams.com. Check out our store. You can order your merchandise. We send it out to you. and you can call me if you want to leave a phone message 323-739-4-330 or you can write me at harlornwilliams.com and eventually maybe you'll hear yourself or hear your letter read on the podcast here

and there you go my new special well it's not so new anymore it's been out for a few months but it's still fairly new. Harlow Williams' Force of Nature. Get it as a digital download at iTunes or order a hard copy at the website. And that's it, man. We've covered all the bases. I've got to get running back to Saskatoon.

And until next time, chicken. Show me, baby. I've been talking to soil farmers I've been working on land This jaw saw a bill Looking back to Saskatoon When did you tell us there's no medicine hat Singing of a prayer to

Thank you.