The Harland Highway - 485: Dead JULIA CHILDS, new monsters discovered

Episode Date: April 18, 2013

We get a visit from cooking sensation DEAD JULIA CHILDS, Barbie gets un-madeover, there have been some new MONSTERS discovered, and last but not least Nelly Frutado. Bobble your wobble dobble!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. And then when I tried, boy, oh, boy, and then when I tried to say Harland Highway, that's when it gets hard to speak in Donald Duck Boys. Boy, oh, boy, it's the Harlan Highway. Yeah, that doesn't sound good. But anyways, it is the Harland Highway. I am he, Harlan Williams. And thank you for, joining all you pavement pounders and anyone new uh anyone old returning thank you tell your friends about the show and what a show we have today man uh julia childs is dropping by the famous cook uh yeah well dead julia childs of course we'll be here with a brand new recipe um a brand new couple of monsters have been discovered these are real life monsters you're not going to believe where they discovered these monsters.

It is crazy, almost unimaginable. Barbie, the famous doll, has gone through some changes, some shocking changes we will discuss. And speaking of hot mamas that look a bit like Barbie, how about a brunette Barbie, Nellie Frittato. Let's talk about Nellie Frittato, shall we? It's long overdue. You are here.

On the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You are causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.

Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you are doing? You just made a wrong turn. onto the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes.

Bo-B-B-B-B-B-B-Boom goes the dynamite. Speaking of B-B-B-B-B-B-B-H, here's something that's gone bust. I don't know if you've seen this kind of a viral photo that's been circulating around on the internet. internet but it's it's Barbie you know the doll Barbie the Barbie doll yeah well you know the cute little blonde with the blue eyes and the blonde hair and the the figure um well i don't know if they're making this into a doll or whether this is just a picture that someone released but it is Barbie oh natural in other words it's Barbie uh without all the makeup

when you look at the regular Barbie doll, she's got the enhanced eyelashes and the lipstick and the perfect skin. And somebody decided to release an image or they made a doll. I'm not clear on what it is of Barbie, just like natural without anything. And it's a little horrifying. I don't know if this is a testament. to the miracles of makeup,

but Barbie goes from looking like a really hot doll, like 10 out of 10 doll, to almost like, you ever see these before and after pictures of the crack? The crack people. It's like you get a really hot girl, and then they show a picture of her three years into her crack binging, and she looked really rough.

Or even, look, for that matter, you ever see like a really hot actress or a model? And they're all dolled up, and they show a picture of them with makeup, and then a picture without, and you're like, holy God! Who dropped an anvil on that woman's face? And look, it's, you know, I think it's a statement about how shallow we are as a society, how we're driven by cosmetics and the cosmetic appearance of people. but you got to see this picture of Barbie.

Good Lord. She's still got the same hair, the blonde hair with the bangs that are cut. But when she's dolled up and she has her makeup on and everything, it looks really hot and playful and sexy, right? But when you strip off her makeup and the lipstick and the nice skin, ooh, it looks kind of, she looks like dumb and dumber. It looks like a Swedish, dumb and dumber meets children of the dills. Damned. Remember Jim Carrey had that dumb and dumber, like, bowl cut?

Well, this looks like, like long hair with a bowl cut meets that old horror movie, Children of the Damned. And she's got, like, bags under her eyes, braces on her teeth. She's got a couple of zits, freckles. And all the ooey-gooey-goey things we don't like is popping through on good old Barbie. And there's people probably, you know, oh, man, get over it, man. Just natural. Yeah, well, I don't want a natural Barbie, okay?

The Barbies I have in my clot. Wait, what? No. What did I say? Nothing. I didn't say anything. I don't have Barbies. What?

No. I don't have a collection. I don't have Barbies Malibu Camper. No. but she looks rough man look sometimes you create things and they're really hot and you want them to stay hot okay go on the internet look at an old picture of Bridget Bardot

when she was a 20-something sex kitten and look at her today it's not pretty and look I get it we age we get old it's horrible but ah I mean, take a look at the Kathleen Turner. Remember, she played a movie called Body Heat. She was in The Man with Two Brain. She was portrayed as Jessica Rabbit in the Roger Rabbit movie.

Just a bombshell. A sexual siren, as they say. And you see that woman now, and look, no offense. I'm just being real. She looks like a lost. homeless woman. It's shocking how she went from this thing that every man would desire to this thing, not this thing, but this person that's kind of like horrifying to look at.

And she can't help, but nobody can help you get old. But my point is, we all get old, we all lose our looks, except for George Clooney. A doll is a fantasy eye. item. A doll can stay young forever. A doll is not real. It's plastic. It's molded plastic. It's whatever it is. So just leave it alone. Barbie looks hot. She looks great. Don't mess with that beauty. And it's not the first time. You know, this doll is like 54 years old. and, you know, she's had all kinds of jobs. She was a paratrooper, a nurse.

She's even an astronaut. You know, she owns her own property. She's got her Malibu Barbie. I mean, real estate of Malibu. Are you kidding me? She's been in this committed relationship with Ken, a guy who doesn't even have a penis or genitalia for 50 years. And Barbie's always had this flat stomach, the perky breast, the flaxen hair, you know.

And sometimes people criticized her for her unattainable proportions. I mean, in real life, her measurements would translate to like a six-foot-tall woman with a 39-inch bust, 18-inch waist, and 33-inch hips. I don't see anything wrong with that. Can we get people to sign up for that program? And because she's so perfect and statuesque and figure-esque, if that's even a word, at times she's been blamed for, you know, eating disorders. I'm saying maybe it's a bad thing for kids to have this doll.

So what should they have, a fat, white trash, trailer park chick? Um, so, you know, and Barbie's been through some other things. I mean, the toy makers have, have experimented with Barbie in other ways, tattoos, motorcycle jackets. There's one where they even shaved her head, where they were trying to appeal to children with hair loss. I mean, come on. It's like, it is what it is. You can't please everyone. I mean, how many kids have hair loss?

You know, unless you've got like a terminal disease like leukemia or cancer, are there a lot of kids running around that are bald and have hair plugs? Have you ever met a, you know, 9-year-old girl with hair plugs? I'm willing to guess that less than 1% of the kid population has hair loss. So you don't have to have Barbie. You know, there's kids that walk like a crab. There's kids that, you know, have a hump on their back. There's kids with eyes like lizards and salamanders.

I mean, kids can have anything. What do you got to make a Barbie for everything? I mean, good Lord, man. But some of the comments people are making about this new, oh, natural Barbie. This thing she's got a sick look. She's got, looks like she has an awful hangover or renal failure. I don't even know what renal failure is.

Is that, is that, is that, I don't know. It sounds like something horrible, though. What is a renal? I don't know what a renal is. God. They say her eyes are swollen and puffy and then people are saying that's the sign of a hangover or a kidney failure they're saying. And this gets funnier if you see the picture.

I urge you to go on the Internet and type in the natural Barbie and have a look. So there you go. Everything seems to go through changes, political correctness, and I just say leave the damn Barbie as she is. She's the only, like, hot blonde chick with blue eyes that never changes. And can't we just have? that one thing can i just have my seven barbies in my closet and wait what what did i say roger i didn't say anything i don't have barbys i don't have barbys come on i don't have barbys

let's let's we have a guest coming in don't we roger okay play a little play a commercial and then let's uh let's bring our guest in i why would i have barbys Right. What's new under the sun, Malibu Barbie. She's Mattel's super new sun-tanned Barbie. Hey, Barbie's got a golden tan now with sunny, super gold hairy. Malibu Barbie has her own beach towel and sunglasses and Malibu friends, all with that sun tan skin that makes them look great wherever they go in any of their grooving and fashions.

Malibu Barbie, Brancy, Skipper, and Ken. They're the sunset. Dolls and other costumes sold separately. Well, this is a treat. We haven't had this lady on the show for a little while. She's an incredible chef, cook. She prepares food. She invents food.

She's world-renowned. She's famous. She's been dead for quite a while. But she seems to come back and create dishes for us. Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, the one, the only, world-renowned, dead. Julia Childs. Hello, Julia. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, hi, Harlan. Great to be here. Great to be out of the ground and great to scrape the fungus off my body. Well, I guess it does get a little damp down there. Oh, I haven't been this wet since I got excited about a Thanksgiving pumpkin pie strudel. Well, okay, I don't want to

get into that but uh what have you got for us today julia well i've got an excellent what is it julia an excellent what is something wrong i think i have a bug stuck in my throat hang on oh my god there we go um how about this a b l t sandwich well uh okay i guess bacon lettuce tomato sandwich if anyone can put a twist on it, it's you. I didn't say bacon, lettuce, and tomato, Harland. Oh, I'm sorry. I meant bite my left tit. Excuse me?

Bite my left tit sandwich. What in the name of heck is that? Well, it's real easy. What you do is you get one piece of rye bread. Okay. And then I rip my top open. Oh, my God. I rip my top open.

let my dead rotten tit my left tit hang out good lord and then i get the other piece of rye bread oh i think i know where this is going you guessed it harland i put it on top of my rotten dead tit and i make a bite my left tit sandwich a b l t that's right well how does it work well it's called a bite my left tit isn't it okay so You see the bread? I do. Start biting. Excuse me? You need to bite my left tent.

I'm not biting your left tit. You're dead. Well, if you're going to be racist, it's not racist, you're dead. I'm not going to, I wouldn't bite your left chin if you were alive. Well, maybe I won't be on your show again, Harlan. All right, bring it over here. Here we go. Would you like some mustard on it?

Are you okay with the maggots? Oh, my God. Go ahead. I really, I'll walk off your shore, I'll let it go right back into that dirty hole in the ground and start decomposing. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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and 100% free shipping code. Harland, have fun. Don't throw your back out. All right, let me have a bite. That's it. Chew, you little bastard. It tastes a little sour. Well, it should. I've been dead for 12 and a half years. Yeah, you know what? It's okay. It's not my favorite. Well, how about some shaved corn beef off my dead butt cheek?

You know what? We're running out of time, Julie. Thank you, Julia Childs. You're welcome. I better get back to the grave. I've got some decomposing to do. All right, thank you. Dead Julia Childs, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, a BLT, bite my left-tit sandwich.

Good Lord. Well, I won't be eating one of those again. I think I got some aerolai stuck in my throat. anyways let's move on our thanks to dead julia childs and speaking of dead and uh you know kind of goolish horrific things here's uh well you know what i i think i better put this under the uh the title of crazy stories get roger give me the this has got to go under this roger give me the the the the sound bite or whatever it is The Harland Highway

Crazy news story That's weird That's strange stuff I think you're crazy Check it out Okay Here's the headline Tiny monsters

Discovered in termite guts Huh? This is true This is a true story Scientists have discovered two new species species of strange-looking microbes that live in the bellies of termites. And they've named the creatures Cathulahoo and Cthilla. Sounds like a couple of Dutch kids lost in a forest.

I guess it's an ode to H.P. Lovecraft's something to do with horrible monsters. I don't know. But these things are, they're microscopic. They've got pictures of them online. They look like they have giant heads with octopus tentacles coming out of them. And they're just creepy and bizarre look. And they look like one of those creatures you'd see way down deep in the ocean, like an angler fish or something like this.

They have like an octopus-like head and a face full of feelers. and scaly, rubbery, bloated body. It's just pretty creepy-looking. And so scientists saw these things under the microscope. And it's so amazing. Like, who the hell? I know you're a researcher, but who the hell goes, you know what, man?

You know those little tiny termites that you can barely see? I'm willing to best. that they got creatures. I bet they got monsters living in their guts, in their belly. Let's do some surgery. Let's cut open a termite belly, which is what? The size of a less than the, probably the head of a pin?

I mean, good Lord. So they go in and sure enough, there they are, a couple of different parasitic organisms living inside a termite's belly. And somehow they have some kind of a symbiotic relationship. And I guess these parasites help them break down the sugars in the wood or help them digest, you know, turn the wood into a digestible sugar or something.

Oh So there you go It just goes to show you the extremes of the human mind I mean think about it Not only that someone You know had the wherewithal To go into a termite You know most of us we see a termite

Like get the raid kill the son of a bitch But some nerd somewhere is like Oh my God say, oh, there's a termite. Should I get the raid? Of course not. Get my scalpel and my surgical equipment. I'll be in the bathroom scrubbing down.

I want to perform surgery in 20 minutes. It's crucial. I must get to the monsters living in his belly. But just to be able to go into a termite and then to discover or extract these other things living in a termite. Who thinks of this stuff? Only humans, man.

The bizarre stuff we think of, the bizarre stuff we find. Is there anything left on the planet that we don't know about? I mean, they always talk about, oh, we've only explored 10% of the oceans of the world. There's all kinds of undiscovered creatures. There's areas of the jungle we don't know. Really? Do you think maybe once you've discovered monsters in a termite's belly, that the knowledge race is at an end?

Do you think maybe we've maxed out? Do you think we've kind of reached the pinnacle? Well, we discovered parasitic, microscopic monsters in a termite belly. We're good. There'll be no more dictionaries, no more Wikipedia. Google has expired. That's all the information we need. There's nothing left to learn, nothing left to discover.

Thank you, and good night. So there you go, man. There's a crazy story for you today. So next time, think about it. Before you step on an ant or a bug or a spider, just remember, you might not be killing just one life. You might be wiping out a whole village. Good night, Nellie Frittato.

In the day, in the night, say you're right, say it's all. Either got it or you don't, you either stand or you fall. When you're weird, it's broken, when it's lit from your head. But you don't get there's a hole in my head. Oh, you don't need nothing to love me. No, you don't mean nothing to stand free. Oh, you put me in there. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-be-be-be-me-be-me-pe.

That's it. That's it. You know, I said Sweet Nellie for Tata, I was like, I better play some for you. I don't want to, you know, put the old Nelster into your head and then not deliver. What a fun name, though, huh? I wish I was named Nellie Frittato. I think it should be a new swear word.

It could be many things. I think it should be a new swear word, okay? You stub your day, like, oh, Nellie Frottado. God! Oh! Right? Are you driving along in the station wagon or the minivan with your kids? They're making noise in the back. You're the dad driving. They're yelling and screaming and throwing food. You turn around. You're like, Nelly Frottado, you kids. I'm telling, oh, Nellie Frittato. I'm pulling this car over Nellie Frittato.

Right? It's perfect. or a yogurt with granola on it? And for dessert, we have a delicious raspberry nelly frittato with granola. Yes, just excellent. I'm sorry, what is it? It's a frozen dessert treat, a nellie frittato with raspberry. I'll take three of them, please. Beep.

Nope. Or at least it's got to be something at Starbucks, right? I mean, yes, I'd like a latte frappuccino with a double nelly frittato whipped cream chai latte, please, yes. You know, give me double frittato and double nelly. Give me a quadruple nelly frittato

frappuccino double whip. Yes, thank you. I mean, there's so many uses for that name. I'm sure it's got to be an exotic resort somewhere. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Welcome to the island of Nellifrotato. You'll be in the moonlight suite overlooking the harbour. The dolphins will be breaching at sunset.

And we'll be playing some coca bongam music for you just outside your bedroom door every morning. we hope you enjoy your stay at the magical mystical Nelly Fritado Resort and you'll get stand thank you so there you go I'm glad glad we got we played it we set the record straight and maybe and this isn't a good one but maybe this is one for camping

You know, you're in the tent. You've been eating beans and campfire food. And you're starting to get bloated and gassy. Your guts filling up. You're in the tent. You're like, oh, dude, I got to go into the woods. What for, man? Oh, I got to get rid of this Nelly Frittato, man.

Oh, God. Oh, dude. What about bears, man? I don't care, man. I can't hold on to this. I got to, I can't hold on to this. Frittato any longer, man. No way.

Oh, this Nellie's got to go. And lastly, of course, the obvious application. Mexican food. Hello, welcome to El Compadre, Seigneur. Today we offer chimichongos, burritos. I'm sorry, what? Frittados. What kind of frittados?

Nelly frittados, they're on special. Well, I'll take three Nellie Frittados and a dockery, please. Excellent choice, signor. Would you like sour cream on your Nellie Frittados? Oh, absolutely. And can I get guacamole? Of course, there's no better way to eat your Nellie Frittados. Thank you.

So there you go. And thank you, Nellie Frittato. and now let's move on let's get the frittato out of here and when I say move on we're well we're at the end of the show we ended on damn it we end damn it Nellie Frittato

we ended the show on a frittato you say frittato I say frittato I say frittato I wonder if in Scotland they got a big Nessie frittato I wonder If I wonder if lurking way down at the bottom of the lock, way down at the bottom of the Scottish lock, they got Nessie Frittaro. She's a legend. Not many people have seen old Nellie. Old Nessie Frittado. There's a few that have seen her. She comes out at the night off the edge of old the Macalester Castle. They've seen her. They've seen her. long neck and her big spiny head she looks like a termite parasite framed in the moonlight

oh nesifratado all right enough i'm getting let's get out of here man the hell is wrong with me um hey let's do some announcements here before we go uh tonight i'm in kansas city ladies and gentlemen Kansas City at the improv. Come on down and see me. Go to Harlow Williams.com. Order your tickets online. Click my stand-up link or just go to Improv.com and you'll find your way to the Kansas City Improv.

I will be there tonight, Thursday, April 18th, right through to Sunday the 21st. My opening act is Adam Ray, very funny guy. And then the following weekend, check me out in Pittsburgh, PA, the improv in Pittsburgh. And that'll be April Friday, April 26 to April 28th, which is a Sunday. And then on the West Coast, starting kicking May off, May 9th to May 12th, I will be at the San Jose Improv. Incredible comedy club. They redid an old opera theater, and it's an incredible theater.

Great place to come and see comedy. And we're going to be doing some improv comedy there as well. So you're going to get the stand-up show and then some improv at the end of the stand-up show. A double header. Hope we see you there. You can write me at harloweems.com or you can leave me a phone message at 323-739-4-3-3-0. Don't forget to visit the store at Harlan Williams.com. Get your merchandise.

Don't forget to go to All Things Comedy. That's a podcast network that my podcast is featured on, and you can see other, hear other podcasts there. And that's it, gang. I'm wrapping it up. And until next time, a great big, greasy bowl of Nellie, of chicken, Calvin, baby!

Children have been asking us to make dolls with real growing hair for years now. The only problem is the current technology doesn't allow for that, so we've turned to the next best thing. A voodoo witch doctor named Captain Ugi, who can transfer human souls into plastic dolls to give them lifelike characteristics. You can even modify the amount of humanity within the doll using our patented soul knob. Just be aware that these are technically human children and should not be subjected to normal doll treatment for ethical reasons.

Wonderful Chrissy and new velvet. They're ideal.