The Harland Highway - 487: ILLEGAL ALIEN MURDER, also, Mr. Featherstone, Harland's boss comes up with a horrible way to increase ratings.

Episode Date: April 25, 2013

Harland visits his boss Mr. Featherstone, an incredible and strange animal attack, a horrible story about a murdering illegal alien, and Harland is forced to have sex with a cheap whore. Wrinkledy dinkledy!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Cray fish and crab cakes, boys and girls. Hey, welcome. Welcome to the show. I'm Harlan Williams. And quite the show today, man. We're going to go from the absurd to the serious to the disgusting. Yeah, quite the leap we're taken here today. I'm going up to visit with my boss, Mr. Feathers.

Apparently, he's got a new strategy to increase my ratings. Wait till you hear what it is. I'm sure it's going to be disgusting. And then there's been an animal attack, man, a horrible animal attack. A man was killed, and you're never going to guess what killed him. A very unassuming animal has taken the life of a human being. wow is it payback for all the lives we've taken from this animal or is it just sad and speaking of sad i'm going to get a little serious and talk about a court case that's going on horrible story

where a kid was dragged by a drunk driver for a quarter of a mile and killed and this drunk driver was an illegal alien not happy about it and then let's see who my guest is that comes into the studio is going to be dirty right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra?

If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams.

In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. Then I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. Yeah, this is strange stuff.

This is, oh man. story is so crazy that it's it's two things at once it's laughable and it's tragic way do you hear this one man uh a fisherman was bitten to death by a beaver oh my god all he was trying to do is take a picture the news said this guy was fishing he spots a beaver and he approached uh to take a photograph and the beaver bit him on the thigh. The animal, the beaver, managed to sever an artery and his friends couldn't stop the blood flow. Oh, my God.

Like, it's kind of funny. I mean, it's not funny at all, really. A guy died, but just, what a way to die. You know, beavers can bite through trees. trees. Okay, that's what people forget. These, these creatures have the most incredible incisors you've ever seen. I mean, how many creatures in life do you know that can eat through a tree? Okay, elephants can push a tree over and a woodpecker can drill a hole in a tree. but a beaver can eat through a big fat tree.

A lion can't do that. A bear can't do that. But a beaver can. So those are some damn strong, dangerous teeth. And beavers aren't small. They're not like rats. They're not like poodles. Beavers can get pretty big.

A full-grown beaver can get fat and pudgy. and big enough. So the news said that beaver attacks are rare, and when they do occur, it's generally rabid beavers with rabies, obviously. So sad news for this guy. Just really sad news. Getting bit by a beaver.

yikes um so be careful it had to be shocking for his buddies they're out fish in they're probably got a couple of beers gone they're trying to catch a little bass or a lake trout the next thing you know their buddies flopping around in the bottom of the boat with blood squirting out of his leg out of his artery and they're thinking, oh, we can stop this. We'll put a tourniquet on. Well, we'll just put pressure on.

It's a little animal bite. Wrong. This animal bit in the perfect spot. That would be like if he bit in the neck, it would be like your jugular. Oh, poor guy. And the beaver didn't do anything wrong. You know, that's how animals are, man.

You get too close. They're either going to run or they're going to attack. That's how animals roll. And there's strange animals to begin with. They live in a lodge. How many animals do you know that live in a lodge? I mean, how many of you have ever been in a lodge? A ski lodge or a hunting lodge?

Some lodges can be pretty damn nice. These guys live in a lodge? hey bill where do you live no man i live over on that old ant hill oh yeah i live under the tree yeah that beaver lives in a lodge man oh let's eat them but uh you know for every uh bad story i guess there's there's uh an equal story that goes in the other direction and this doesn't help but i remember as i as many of you know I used to work up north as a forest ranger up in the bush. And I'll never forget one time I was trucking through the bush.

And there'd been a lot of beaver activity. I can see a lot of like stumps from chewed down trees. Beavers leave a very distinct stump because they chew all the way through it. So you can't miss a beaver chewed tree. And I'll never forget this. There was a big tree right across. where I was about to walk and sticking out

from under the tree was the shoulders on down of a beaver. So from the shoulders all the way down to the tail and just his arms and legs sticking out. And I guess this poor beaver

had chewed the tree but didn't get out of the way and the tree came down right on his head and dead. So in a way that beaver killed himself and maybe that's payback for what he did to this guy you know maybe uh for one beaver that kills one of us they get killed i don't know i don't even know what that means

but that being said you know you got to remember humans have been very cruel to beavers over the centuries uh and again from my experience working up north um many many many many beavers are trapped and killed and I don't know how much you know about beavers but beavers can hold their breath for quite a long time underwater and you know how they trap them ladies and gentlemen you're going to like this they've bait a trap that is about three feet underwater and the trap goes off and the trap does not have spikes on it because they don't want to damage the beaver's pelt. So what the trap does is it snaps around their neck

and holds them. It does not kill them. It holds them underwater until they drown. So you want to talk about a slow, terrifying, painful death for the beaver. Yeah, they have these traps that are created to minimize any damage to the pelt, to the fur, because that's all they want. Nobody's killing a beaver to eat it. They just want that soft fur, man.

And so these poor things which can hold their breath for a long time are frolicking around underwater for who knows how long until they just drown. So, you know, if you're a beaver, they're probably going, who cares if a human died, man? you know any of us they've murdered and uh you know as you know we kill them for for coats beaver pelts so uh women or men can walk around in a friggin beaver beaver skin jacket or coat kind of useless um but anyways strange story um beavers are one of the few animal

in the animal kingdom that can geographically alter the environment. There's not that many that can do massive alterations to geography. Us humans are probably the main ones. Then there's not many more, but what a beaver does is a beaver can take a small little trickle of a creek or a little tiny river and they can dam that thing up and their dams are very effective and

when they build that dam that traps the water and it can wipe out acres and acres and acres of land as the water rises and fills in the basin of where trees are growing and whatever's around so

So they've got a lot of ingenuity, these guys, building the dams, building the lodges. They're smart. They're architects. But they also have the ability to, you know, really alter the environment, alter the geography, the terrain, out in the wild. So just a little lesson. Be very weary of any type of wildlife, man. You just never know what wildlife is going to do.

RIP to the gentleman that got killed by a beaver. And if you hear a tree being chewed down, take a wide girth around it or go the other way. What? Okay, hold on. Hang on, Rogers. It's flashing me some sign through the window. What?

Upstairs? Yeah. He wants me now? Oh, great. I'm in the middle. He doesn't care. All right. So I just got word through the booth window here that my boss, Mr. Featherstone, wants to see me upstairs.

Hopefully it's something good. So excuse me. You know, I'm going to take you with me. You know, if he's going to interrupt in the middle of the podcast, I've got to keep it rolling so uh i'm taking you with me i got to go up meet with my boss real quick uh let's let's head upstairs gang well here i am outside my boss's office mr featherstone uh he he wanted to see me uh he's called me up here for a meeting i hope it's something good i hope he's maybe a raise maybe uh a pat on the back maybe uh you know something uh maybe uh maybe he's um maybe he's

He's going to give me more staff. I don't know. There's his secretary. Hi, Betty. How are you? Nice to see you. He's ready for me. Okay, I'm going in.

Here I go, guys. Going into my boss's office. Uh, hello, sir, Mr. Featherstone. Uh, hello. Yes, sir. Uh, good to see you. And you are? Uh, Harlan Williams, sir.

What is it? Harlan Williams. Halloween. What is this? Halloween? No, no, it's not Halloween, sir. Harlan Williams. Trick-a-treat, smell my ass crack. Sir, it's Harlan Williams. Where are you from? The podcaster on the eighth floor, sir?

Oh, that guy, the podcast guy. Sir, I'm a little offended. This is, you know, my fourth year doing the podcast here for you. Oh, you're offended, are you? Wow, wow, wow. Why don't you pull a baby wipe up? and cry a river of ranchito sauce. What? Yeah, you heard me. Cry a river of ranchito sauce?

Yeah. Like a little wah, wah, wah baby. What is a wah, wah, wow, baby, sir? That's what a baby, you ever hear a baby cry? Yes. Wea, wah, wah, is what they do. That's what they sound like. Obviously, you've never been around kids.

Go figures, because you've been around. your guy friends what yeah your guy friends what are you saying uh huh what

uh huh sir why did you bring me up here today well why don't we do a little math together okay zero yes plus zero okay equals what

zero bingo dingle buns what what got like zero listeners okay that's not true sir i have a lot of good pavement pounders what the hell's a pavement pounders that one of those funny little bars you go to what funny little bars you know the ones downtown like the squishy meatloaf what and the uh the the rocking horse uh oil or whatever it is the rocking horse oil whatever you're getting zero ratings

Nobody's listening to your podcast. Sir, that's just not accurate. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy. or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount

and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Speaking of accurate, you have a fought on a foster child? What? You ever bend over and fought all over a foster child? Sir, that's not funny. Foster child's, yeah, I know, foster child's got no homes.

They got no mumsies and dadzies. Wow, wow, wow. Cry me in asparagus dip. Sir, what are you talking about that I've got no listeners? What I'm talking about is you've got to get more ears on your podcast. My podcast, sir. That's what I said. Now, sex sells, right?

Well, I can't argue that. All right, well, you're going to have sex on your podcast and get more listeners. What are you talking about? I'm renting you a whore. You're renting me a whore. That's what I just said. And it's a female whore, just so you don't get any ideas. It ain't one of your guy toys.

Look, sir, if you're insinuating, I like men. Oh, I'm not insinuating. anything. I'm sure if you looked around your apartment, all the matchbook covers and be from those funny little bars you go to downtown. What funny little bars? Oh, you know, like the uncorked wine bottle. What?

Or Slappie's fish tail? What? Slappie's fish tail? What the hell is that? Uh, what? Uh-huh. By the way, you have a fart in a bowl of clam chowder? What, sir, can we get back to what you said about the whore?

Oh, here we go. Yes, here we go. You are going to have sex on your podcast, on the air with a whore, okay? We're spending some money here. We're taking it out of the budget. And in order to get you some damn listeners, because you're losing me money right now. now okay sir don't sir me save your sirs for your funny little guy friends would you stop it

now you're gonna go on the air you're gonna take off your clothes and you're gonna have sexual intercourse with a whore right on your show no i'm not sir uh-uh i don't do that why because it's a girl No, not because it's a girl I love girls I'm not gay Now you're going to do this Or we're going to pull the plug And I'm sure you've heard that statement before

Pull the plug What's that mean? Oh I bet you know what it means Funny Fliar Funny Flyer Funny Flyer That's right Sir

You can't pull the plug well then you're going to put you're going to plug the whore so i've got to have sex on the air with a and i don't like this term a whore that's right and not an expensive one either we found this one uh down in baker's field wandering the streets oh god polio, like a kid who's got, like, crooked legs? No, I haven't farted on a kid with crooked polio legs. You should try it. Sir, this is just unacceptable.

Yeah, well, you're going to have sex with the whore or your show's canceled, all right? Sir, can I just say, hold on, I got a phone call coming in. I got to take this. Get out of here. Go get ready for your whore. All right. Sir, thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

Enjoy it. Don't get out of here. I got to take this call. Buzz off. Wow. Okay, well, that's it, folks. I'm heading back down to my office.

Betty, thank you. I don't know for what, but I don't know if this is an idle threat or this is real. But it looks like I'm getting naked and having sex with a whore. Let's get back to the studio and see what happens. Good Lord.

I've ever farted on a polio kid. Idiot. And speaking of idiotic, I got to share this story with you. This story is frustrating on so many levels. It's a sad story. There's a story in the news about a young boy, young man who was a couple of years ago. 2011 was hit by a drunk driver, an illegal immigrant, drunk, dragged the kid on his motorcycle, he hit his motorcycle, the kid was on the motorcycle, pinned to the motorcycle under

this drunk guy's vehicle. The drunk guy dragged the kid for a quarter of a mile before dislodging him or stopping. The kid was killed. The parent, Parents have been waiting two years for justice to be served for a trial, and the judge involved in the case said that because of the illegal immigrants' inability to understand the language, to get over the language barrier, it is delaying the court day. Due to the special circumstances of the illegal aliens' inability to communicate with other people in the court, they haven't tried this guy yet. They haven't brought them in front of a jury or in front of the judge or anything. And this poor family is waiting for justice to be served. and, you know, two years later, still nothing.

And I want you to listen to some snippets from the news on this case and see what you think. See if you find this as frustrating as I do. First of all, here's a little snippet about the inability for, this guy to understand the court system. But I want to ask you, Peter, about this ruling by the judge, because it's getting a lot of pushback because she said,

given his, quote, unique cultural background and the language barrier, he's incompetent to stand trial. What does that mean? Well, it means that he is unable to communicate with his lawyers effectively. He is unable to assist in his

defense. He is unable to understand the concept that that surround the court process, and that's where the real difficulty has come in. You can explain something to someone, but whether they understand and grasp the context in which you're explaining it is where we're having the difficulty. It's almost like trying to speak with a three-year-old. Now, on an emotional level, you just want to go, yeah, right, whatever, dude.

like the guy can't understand the language, whatever. And it makes you mad, it makes your blood boil. And you go, you know, there's all kinds of different languages and all kinds of different cultures here in the States. You know, deal with it. But then, you know, if you were to put yourself into this guy's shoes, and let's say you found yourself in Russia or Mexico or Spain or China, And you didn't really understand a lick of the language and you got nailed for some crime.

And I don't want to sound like I'm defending this guy, but it's frustrating because, you know, if you were this person, you'd be like, I don't understand a word anyone's saying. Somebody helped me here. So in a way, as much as I don't want to see the point, I guess if you take away all the emotion, You kind of have to But I think what makes me mad is that A, the guys here illegally B, he's been in trouble with the laws and the courts And has engaged in criminal activity before so why is he still here And you know, it just led to the death of an innocent young, you know

American boy And also you've got to go, why is it, why is it taking two years? You know, as they said, the guys used an interpreter before. So now all of a sudden it's a two-year process to, you can't pick up the phone. And go, yeah, anybody speak Guatemalan, please? How hard is that to do? You heard the mother of the victims say, look, he's been in court multiple times on other charges. He was faced with an assault and battery charge against a cop.

and some other incidents. He did one year of probation. She says he's been in court multiple times, and he's always used a Spanish interpreter just fine or no interpreter. So why suddenly is he unable to manage? Well, I didn't represent him in those proceedings, first of all. And secondly, we're not so sure that he really did understand the process. The process.

I got to stop it there. It just eats you up, man. The process, the process. Why is the process so bad? and again it's hard to keep your emotions out of this because you know most of you're probably going oh what a bunch of crap just put this guy in jail hang them but then when you like i said when you go what if that was you and you're in the middle of china and i'm not saying you're illegal alien or you were drunk but let's say you were rented a car and you're going sightseeing and you

accidentally hit a kid on a bike and all you can hear is you can hear is hong da-tong-d-d-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-k-gall-tung-k-hig-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. You're going to be like, help. But here's the, this is the last part. I don't want to drone on about this too long because it's kind of heavy. But I just feel bad for this family.

Here's the part that's kind of stuck with me that rubbed me the wrong way. It'd be interesting to see what you guys think. But this whole America is, you know, everybody's entitled to freedom here and blah, blah, blah. Listen to this little snippet, and then, you know, we'll have a little discussion about what was said here. And I really don't want to comment on whether he's guilty or not guilty. Understood, understood. We need this system.

The soror of yours know it is weighted against the criminal defendant, and so we need lawyers who come in and fight for, you know, the Constitution and make sure. everybody's rights are protected, even the rights of an illegal immigrant who's in this country and may have committed a horrific crime. That's what we stand for here in America. We do that. I don't know. Do we do that? Doesn't it feel like the Constitution was written in a time when people had more honor

and people were more likely to fess up to their crimes? People had a little more dignity. and nowadays the Constitution is used to manipulate and distort the judicial system to find instead of finding the answers lawyers are used to find any way any means possible to avoid someone getting convicted It's all a bunch of trickery. It's all a bunch of wordplay.

It's all a bunch of manipulating the juries, the legal system. I almost feel like there was a time when someone did a crime, they walked into a courtroom with their head hanging low. They knew they were guilty and they waited for their penalty. And now I get to feel of people walk into a courtroom and go, okay, let's see my lawyer trick all these people. Let's see my lawyer go to work and drop the reasonable doubt into the minds of the jurors. Let's see what kind of imaginative story. What kind of unlikely scenario my lawyer can inject into the proceedings to throw everyone off the scent of the trail,

to divert everyone's attention from what's really going on, to twist reality. I can't wait to see my lawyer get me out of here and I walk out. Boy, that murder was fun. and then just listen to this little part and see if this makes any sense to you at all and so we need lawyers who come in and fight for you know the constitution and make sure everybody's rights are protected even the rights of an illegal immigrant did you hear that does that sound a little odd to you listen again and make sure everybody's rights are protected even the rights of an illegal immigrant

I don't know just sounds odd to me the the right of an illegal immigrant like to begin with they're here illegally i'm not 100% sure i understand why they have established rights they committed a criminal act to be here and as compassionate or or however you feel about illegal immigration the bottom line is it's illegal We all have compassion for people wanting to come here. They're human beings. We can't take away that, but they're illegal. They violated the laws of our country just to get here.

It's just frustrating to hear that somehow we're obligated to defend them. They come here illegally, suddenly. they have rights. And I know most people when they hear a legal immigrant, they think of the plight of the hapless like, you know, Mexican migrant worker who is in the field picking lettuce. But what if it's a guy from Al-Qaeda? What if it's a guy from the Taliban who sneaks in? What if, you know, illegal is illegal, whether you're from Sweden or China or Afghanistan or wherever?

Suddenly you get all these rights just because you're here? I just don't. I just don't know. You know, I'm not sure I understand it all. I'm a little befuddled. And I'm not putting, you know, the plight of humanity, the human condition behind the eight ball here. I get it. I get everyone. We're all the same, man.

We're all the same. We all want, you know, happiness and health and a good life. But, you know, you've got a country here where they've created that. and I think they've created a good life here because they created rules they created a system to have a good life here for the citizens that live here and come here and I guess where I'm worried

is that if you keep chipping away at the system that's been created to provide a good place for people to be and you keep making room, you keep creating space for people that don't, you know, work within the system, does the system dissolve? Do you get to a place where all the good foundation you built up gets eaten away by termites?

And the system collapses. I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. I'm not a sociologist. I'm just a guy like you kind of rambling my thoughts. And there's probably people listening going, oh, God. Nice point of view. Or there's people maybe going, you know, interesting.

I don't know. That's what this is all about. You get to hear it. So there you go. At the end of the day, I got to be honest, guys, I'm just sad for this poor kid that loves. lost his life, and this dip shit that got drunk, got here illegally, has been in trouble with the law, why he wasn't deported and locked out, you know, five years ago before he took

this kid's life, I just don't know. And in case you're wondering, for those of you that are like, well, that sounds uncompassionate what Arland's saying about all the illegals. I don't give a crap. Guess whose side I'm on, man. I'm on the side of the kid, the dead kid that didn't do anything. The kid that was playing by the rules and living his life and hoping to follow his dreams.

And some jackass that wasn't playing by the rules shows up and takes that all away from him. I really don't care about that guy and the Constitution. and all that crap. Because if the authorities were enforcing the rules of the law and the land, he would have been here to begin with

to kill this kid. So there you go. I don't usually get this serious on the podcast, but this story jumped out at me. And, uh... Wait. What? Who's here?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now? I'm at the end of the show. You want to do it right now? Oh, God. Yeah, I know the ratings thing. Send her in. I got to do this thing with this,

and I don't like this word. This is a horrible word. The whore. My boss, Mr. Featherstone, wants me to have sex with a whore. Right here. right now because I need to get more listeners here we go cover your ears if you got kids in the room

maybe this is what's wrong with this country this type of crap about to have sex with a cheap Bakerfield whore um uh hey uh how you doing I guess welcome to my podcast studio So what's your name?

What do you want my name to be? I don't know. Like a, like Carol? I don't know what's a, I don't like to use his name, but what's a whore's name? Brittany, Destiny, Tiffany, anything with an E at the end. Pick one. Destiny? Sounds great.

I'm your destiny, baby. Okay. Look, I've never been with a woman of the night before. What do we do? What do I need to do here? Well, you need to put the envelope with the cash on the console. You need to pick the items off my menu. What do I?

You have a menu? Let me see that. What are these items? I can't read your handwriting. What does this say? There's the GFA. The what? The GFA.

What's that? The girlfriend experience. What's that mean? That means I play your girlfriend. We hold hands. We roll around. No, we snuggle. Look, this is, I don't, this is, there's a P-Sing.

What's that? The Porn Star experience. No, no. I act all slutty and suck you off and pose around and roll around. Look, it's good times. How much time do I have here? Six minutes. Oh, my God.

There's a half and half. Okay. Can we just do something regular? I don't need any, I don't want to do this just so you know. Around the world is great. Okay. All right. Around the world.

world great that's atollingus and fallatio look just what is it what happened to just old missionary style can we just do that i'm not familiar with these menus here take your menu i don't want your menu it's sticky what you're a civilian yes i just want to do it civilian style okay what's your favorite position just missionary where do you want me to lay down or where where do we do this can you move the crap off your desk okay now what do we do i need to to get naked how does this work well yeah how else am i going to get to your dick oh my god let me take my stuff off here i could take it off extra no i can do it just don't touch me the less you touch me the better i think and no offense why what this wasn't my idea i don't want to do this i have to do

this there i'm naked do you like what you what do i do now wow what i'm just saying when was the last time you worked out. Oh, come on. This is, this is humiliating enough. How old are you? Can we just start? Is that a penis? Oh, my God. What do you want me to do first? What do you? Well, since we agreed on around the world, bend over, move your shit off your desk. Okay. Here, there. Okay. Why am I bending over? You're spreading your ass cheeks. Come on. No. That's, if I wanted around the world, I'd go to iHop okay let's just I'm lay down and I'm getting on top of you

oh gosh okay are you ready I need how much time do I have left I need to get naked you want to help me yes okay take off my shoe watch my crusty toenails though oh my god what what is your toe looks like a corn chip

I haven't had a pedicure in a while god I'm just saying you had a cure in a while suck my toe no No. I'm not sucking that toe. I'd rather lick the bottom of an old subway toilet. No offense. Wow.

Where did you say you're from? Bakersfield. Why? I don't know. Do they have razors up there? I'm into the 70s look. We have a problem with that. There's something stuck in your hair. What is that? A Werther's.

A what? A Werther's original budget. Oh, fuck, that's where that thing went. Jesus. Is that a Worther's original buttersky? candy stuck in your pubic hairs yeah well oh god that's where it went all right let's just start are you ready is that a dick yes i'm putting it in hard is it hard here we go ready God. What are you lighting a cigarette?

I just needed a little break. God. Do you mind putting your phone away? I need to tweet. This is crazy. I found my worthers. This is mega. Yeah. Okay.

What are you doing? Looks like, are you playing a game? Friends, what? Words with friends. In the middle of intercourse. We start it? Oh, my God. Wait a minute.

I'm almost done. Oh, good. Come on, baby. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. As horrible as you are, Eric, I'm just about to, oh, what's that noise? What is that noise? Is that an alarm?

Yeah. What is that? Up, my friend. What? Not to like, you know, dash with your cash, but six minutes is gone. Oh, my God. What? But I haven't finished.

That'd be another hundred bucks. Put your clothes on. Roger, turn the lights back up. You got to go. Thank you. I'd do Roger for free. Oh, my God. What?

Roger, what? the smile off your face there you go ladies and gentlemen thank you whatever is it destiny yeah I think your date with destiny thank you for your services there's your money

and wow that was that was a horrible I didn't want to do that that was for my boss and I hope we get some good ratings Roger go to a commercial I got a shower or something do you have any windex

are you still here I'm putting my fucking clothes on dude God put out the cigarette there's no smoking in here fuck off wow asshole what

you were no good anyway goodbye he sucked wow goodbye whatever your name is asshole wow jeez man

well hey there you go there's my commitment to this podcast, gang. I had cheap, dirty sex on my console with a Bakersfield whore. Gee, I can just hear the numbers going up right now. Thanks, Mr. Featherstone. I'm just sure we're going to get so many more listeners because of this stunt.

And I'm probably going to have like nine STDs. I already feel itchy. uh anyways let's move on if you're feeling itchy if you're getting the itch for some stand-up comedy how about that segue um please come see me this weekend i will be at the improv in pittsburgh pennsylvania great club uh it's going to be a blast please come out and uh joy the show i'm going to be selling my uh my new tvd special after the show autographing uh harland williams a force of nature so if you don't have that yet you can pick it up at the improv um so it'll be uh friday night saturday night and sunday night and uh hope to see you there gang good good times uh then the following

weekend how about this well not the following weekend but like two weeks later uh i will be in san jose at the Improv, May 9 through 12th, which is a great club. I love that club, San Jose. But in between Pittsburgh and San Jose, check it out, May 6th, Monday, May 6. And sadly, this just goes out to my Canadian fans, Canadian pavement pounders. My new sitcom airs on City TV, 830, Monday night. It's called Package Deal. Guest stars Eugene Levy.

from American Pie, guest stars Pamela Anderson. Unbelievable. It's a real funny new sitcom, and I play a character named Sheldon in it. The show is about three overly close brothers. That's why it's called Package Deal. You get to doing something with one brother, you get all of us. We're very, we impose on each other's lives way too much.

It's because we got a lot of heart. We love each other. We're close. So Monday night, May 6, package deal 8.30 on City TV. Please check it out. And for all you American listeners, please don't fret. They are trying to sell the show down here. So hopefully that happens.

And as soon as that happens, I will be the first to let you know. Or if it appears on Netflix or something like that, I will let you know, too. So I haven't abandoned you. And then if you're in the Denver area, oh my gosh, I'm at the Comedy Works May 17th, 18th, and 19th. Or actually, no, it's just the 17th and the 18th. It's Friday and Saturday only.

So please come on out and have some fun there. Great club. The Comedy Works in Denver. And check out Harlowwilliams.com. you can always leave me a phone message 323 739 4330 or you can write me at harland williams.com so that's it god there's still fumes from that baker's field whore in here um that's it so we have time for today i'm going to go scrub off with bleach and until next time chicken chow mean baby asshole

Thank you. Thank you.