The Harland Highway - 489: JIM CARREY INTERVIEW PART 2, also, a WHORE drops in the studio.

Episode Date: May 2, 2013

Harland's rare interview with actor comedian Jim Carrey, PART 2. The superstar discusses comedy and life with Harland, also, a Bakersfield WHORE drops by for sex action, the problem with light bulbs, and the way schools have changed over the years. Slam that wham!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

that's the way uh-huh that's the way i like it well maybe it shouldn't be the way i like it maybe it should be the way you like it this this is your podcast i mean i do it but it's for you i'm so confused already but maybe that's a good thing uh hey everybody i'm harland williams i broke it up into sections to make it easy to understand harland williams you're on Harland Highway. Welcome aboard to all the pavement pounders who have been here since the beginning, to all the new listeners. Please tell your friends to get on the highway because we have crazy stuff going on. Like today we're going to talk about the difference between what was bad in high school when I was a kid versus what's happening today. Startling. Funny yet startling. I'm going

be interviewing Jim Carrey it's the second part of my interview with the actor-comedian Jim Carrie this is a interview I did with Jim many years ago probably 15 16 years ago no one's ever heard it before uh I believe a whore is stopping by and I'm going to be forced to have sex with a whore yeah live on the air it happened a few shows ago I got to do it again and we're going to be talking about annoying light bulbs all here On the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh?

You are causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brock? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Yeah, boom! With the dynamite. Hey, how you doing, rock rollers?

I don't know why I'm doing that voice. How you doing, gang? Harlow Williams here. Welcome to the show. start off with a fun story that kind of is an indication of how the times

have changed. I was talking to one of my best friends from high school. And this guy, one of my dearest, oldest friends, we were like inseparable in high school. We were like these two

buddies that did everything together and hung out and chased after the same girls and collecting comic books and got into trouble and this guy was this guy my buddy steve had such a great sense of humor and kind of one of these guys that's a bit fearless and he always reminded me he looked it looked a bit like kevin bacon you know but he had this energy where he just like you never knew what he was going to do he was unpredictable and he was kind of fearless and kind of did things without, you know, weighing the consequences sometimes, and he was a prankster.

And I was talking to him the other day, and we were talking about going to a class reunion. Okay? There's a class reunion coming up, and I haven't been back to my high school since I left. Went to a Catholic high school. Can't say I loved the place. You know, I kind of went there because my mother wanted me to go there. there and kind of willed me to go there and I was like to wear a little uniform and it wasn't my scene but the good thing is I made some good friends and my friend Steve being one of them

and talking about the reunion Steve said oh well you know I'm I'm not legally allowed on the premises. I'm not allowed to even be on the school property. I was banned. He was banned back in like grade 11 or something, and they kicked him out of the school, and he was never allowed back. And you know what he did? You know what he did that they got him exiled? We used to play a lot of pranks on each other. One day, Steve went to a bakery somewhere. I bought a lemon meringue pie. The guy brings a lemon meringue pie at school. I'm laughing because I can still visualize it. It's such a dork. Who goes and buys, you know, a 17-year-old dude goes and buys a lemon meringue pie. Who does that? So the guy goes and buys

a lemon meringue pie, and on our lunch break, he pied a guy. You know, we had these running, right? rivalries with our friends who could out prank each other and uh one day steve lake sneaks up on a guy bang lemon bragg pie right in the face it was a mess people were diving out of the way screaming a caused an uproar caused chaos and of course there's teachers monitoring the uh the cafeteria and caused quite a spectacle and Steve was banished from the school. You know, I guess there were a few other little incidents and, you know, trouble-making incidents

and this was the icing on top of the cake or in this case, this was the meringue on top of the pie. And so he's booted out for a lemon meringue pie. And the reason I'm laughing so hard, tragically, is because I started thinking about kids in school today. And what a difference a few decades make. Holy smokes. Nowadays kids are belligerent.

They sass the teachers. They'll get in fights with teachers. And this is the sad part. kids are bringing guns and loaded rifles, and they're shooting each other. Hello, Columbine. I mean, forget about shooting each other. There's massacres, mass murder, and mayhem. And I'm not laughing at that, but I'm laughing at that

that my buddy got kicked out all those years ago in the 70s for whacking a guy in a face with a pastry. You know, at least at the end of the attack, the kid could eat the stuff on his face. This pie's delicious. When was this baked this morning? And so it makes me laugh to think that

he got in so much trouble. He was kicked out of school. for smashing a guy in the face with a lemon-brang pie. Man, times have changed. Scary, scary times to think that we went from that to what we deal with almost yearly now. Maybe I'm almost tri-monthly. There's some kid acting up in a school doing something, whether it's crime-related or gang-related or,

violence-related or sex-related or drug-related. You know, I'm hankering for an old pie story. I hope someone, I hope some kids somewhere in the United States of America whips out a mincemeat pie or a raspberry pie or a, you know, poisonberry pie. I'd love to see that on the news. today in Indiana there's been a lockdown a high school has been shut down police have sealed off the perimeter apparently 12 children have received a blueberry pie in the face there is pie and crust all over the school

people running people fleeing the scene teachers standing out in the cold mystified children hiding under desks trying to avoid apple pie banana cream pie hitting them in the face back to you harland boy wouldn't that be refreshing so kind of uh kind of a funny story but also a tragic commentary on our times so let's hope we get back to pying kids if you're listening put down the gun and pick up a pie. And speaking of funny guys, as I promised you, a few podcasts back,

I played a rare interview that I did with actor-comedian Jim Carrey. I interviewed Jim years ago. I think it was just after Ace Ventura came out. And I interviewed Jim and it was a while back. I used a cheap old, tape recorder and we're kind of in a noisy environment but nonetheless it was a lot of fun it's an old

interview nobody's ever heard this before you guys are the first ones to hear this and this is the second part of my interview with Jim Carrey and it's just us rambling about the ridiculous and the serious and throwing it all together and let's have a little Listen, blast from the past, comedian, superstar, actor, Jim Carrey. Jim, at one point in everyone's life, they dreamed of being what you've become, a star. What would you say to all the losers who never made it? Watch me. Watch me fly. I don't know.

Jim, what's wrong with the world? I think, you know, what's wrong with the world is that there's too much greed. You know, too many people want too much, you know, for themselves. And, you know, I don't have those feelings, no, but I have $7 million. I am! Excellent. Jim, if you have the ability to fly, ability to fly where would you go and what would you do you could fly i'd uh find that's just

going eat bear's house and soil their windows from a great height wow yeah that's what i like that one jim sometimes i look into your eyes and i see a sweet young man other times i see the Tremendent souls of a million butterfly shrimp. Explain. You explain. I can explain. You have some serious problems. You're projecting your own butterfly shrimp problem on me.

That's the problem. So look within yourself. Catch it out lest you be charged. Oh, I'm sorry. Jim, what do you hate? Do I hate? Yeah. I hate the corner of my steel bed frame.

Why? Because it keeps catching my baby toe. Alright, what do you love? What do I love? I love little baby ducks, old pickup trucks. A little springtime. The rain. I love...

I love... Oral sex. Uh... I love, uh... I love long... Excuse me. Oh my God. Belches.

Long belches where you can like a city alphabet. I like long, uh... Not like love, Jim. Love? Yeah. Oh, love. Okay. Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Then I guess I, uh, I hope that we have a fuck. Oh, no. Don't start crying. No, uh, I love. I love, uh... Oh, fuck. I love going to hockey game and getting a puck in the head. Okay, good.

It's the only time I can forget my problems. When I'm reeling, I'm almost like, I'm not. and almost like a winder on your eye. Jim, do the words burnt terriacchi lips mean anything to you? I know that comes from someplace, but I'm not sure where. I don't know what are we on at the time. I don't know what that's wrong. Maybe it did come from there.

Maybe when we're in Atlanta or something. Yeah, burnt terriacialchi lips. doesn't mean anything really to you it doesn't really mean anything to me but I'm sure it's probably one of those psychic experiences where you're foreshadowing something that's about to occur okay so we better steer clear of the Japanese restaurants after this Jim what would you do if you woke up one morning and you had Gene Wilder's hair What would I do? I'd, uh, I'd get out the iron. Wax paper. I'm right.

Jim, the underground world of the ant is both complex and overcrowded. Are you scared of being pulled underground by ants? No, because basically I've gone on the offensive. I'm developing a darting tongue action. It enabled me to penetrate the middle of the hill. Like an antitia? Yeah. Wow.

Good stuff. That's just gone. Excellent. Excellent answer. Jim, what do you consider your greatest achievement? At the moment, lighting the cigarette. Really? Uh-huh.

All right, outside of that. Outside of the cigarette? Yeah, specific. Okay. Greatest to change. Is this serious, for real? Yeah. So this one's serious.

Um, I guess, you know, bringing my daughter into the world. Jim, what would be the ultimate acting roles for you? That one's serious, too. Mm. The Chuck.

Um. Oh. Oh. The Chet Baker story. What's that? Chet Baker's jazz musician was like the James T.M. Jazz. Really? Yeah. I wanted to do that life story.

Really? So that'd be like just a serious role. Yeah, you're probably ready to jump into a serious role, right? That's none of your doing business. Jim, what's the future of comedy? Oh, God. Future of comedy? Yeah. I think it's going to, uh, it's going to get,

thinner it's going to be weeding a lot of weeding out because of the clubs and stuff and there's so many comics now with like five minutes and sooner or later you know people are going to get tired to see any you know people performing the same five minutes on five different shows you know just the good people will survive creative people will survive you know that they'll go on but i mean right now it's like everybody I grew up with in the comedy clubs, it's like the establishment now. They're the hosts of TV shows, they're the movie stars, they're the everything. Yeah.

You know, so, you mean, it was a great breeding ground. And it still is, but it's just, you know, now there's, you know, now it's like something everybody wants to do, you know, or it's kind of when I started. It was like, they're a comedian, what's that? Yeah, yeah. How long have you been doing it, Jim? Yeah, so there you go. More with Jim Carrey.

And I think I have a little bit more of that interview that probably part three will be the final part. And I'll play that a little further down the road. But great guy. I remember fondly doing that interview with Jim. And again, I apologize for the sound quality. This predated the digital world. And I literally had a cheap little like Sears tape recorder with running on batteries sitting on the table.

And, you know, you can tell it sounds like it. But, you know, it kind of adds a little authenticity to the whole interview. I kind of like it that it's made a very real and gave it some, Oh, beyonds. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code To check out, that's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So, yeah, again, I'm just a huge fan of Jim. I love Jim. I love his work. I love his contributions.

I know there's been people that have been ragging on them lately about, you know, his gun control video or whatever it was. And I hate to see this. I, you know, I hate it whenever a celebrity or a famous guy makes a statement or does something that not everybody's happy with. People can get very vitriolic and very angry. And I've seen people write comments like, Oh, you're not even American. Why don't you go back to Canada and screw you?

and you're an asshole and and you know they kind of wipe out all the good things that Jim has done all the laughter all the joy that he's brought people in this crazy world that's full of horrible things here's a guy that that's brought you some joy

and you know it's not like every statement out of every celebrity's mouth is going to be a slice of heaven is going to be something you agree with. What I'm saying is please learn to balance. Please learn to balance that celebrities and politicians that people are human beings and nobody can say something all the time that's going to make you happy. I mean, how many of you have girlfriends and boyfriends and family members and wives and husbands? Does everything out of their mouth, is that like a rose garden? Do the people you love

say things that maybe don't sit well with you or hurt you or come out the wrong way or don't, uh, don't mesh with how you perceive the world. Of course they don't. It's, it's everybody has different opinions. So for a guy like Jim Carrey to do something here and there that, uh, might, might not, uh, rub you the right way. Okay. So you can, it's okay to say, I don't like what he just did. but to stays like go home and screw you and you suck and what a loser.

Like I just, to me, you can't do that. You can't do that. And for those of you that think he's an asshole or he doesn't care, let me remind people who are saying mean things and telling Jim Carrey to go back to Canada. I think it was the day after 9-11 happened, maybe two days, maybe three days at the most. Jim Carrey whipped out his checkbook

and just handed over a million dollars to the victims of 9-11. I think he was one of the very first celebrities to do that. And, you know, if that doesn't tell you he's a good guy, I don't know what does. So again, come on. Don't rip people down to the ground because of one thing you may disagree with. If somebody's consistently a dick or saying things that you don't agree with or are derogatory or hurtful and they just keep hammering the same drama,

okay, maybe it's time to say, that guy's got to go. maybe but we all say different things for different reasons and uh you know let's all I'm saying is let's let's weigh and balance things how about that

so anyways I was watching TV the other day and uh what who's here no I don't have anyone scheduled no don't let them in no Roger don't who are you hey baby what baby

it's destiny remember your date with destiny wait were you the were you the girl I had sex with on my podcast a while back like I hate to use his word the whore from Bakersfield wow

I left an impression that's pretty cool well not really more like an indentation have you been thought about dieting at all dying I feel like I'm dying that's why I'm kind of here

I thought I'd stop by what's a say hi Okay, well, I'm in the middle of a show. Really? Yeah. So, you're not supposed to just wander in here. Roger, what is she doing here? I need help.

With what? I need some cash. Oh, God. No, I'm just saying, like, I figured you're this big podcast or this famous guy, plus all the photos I have on my phone. Oh, my God. What do you want me to do? I'm just saying, you looked really good and...

that position I put you in. I'm just you know. Okay. What are you getting at? Are you saying you want to have sex for money? You're the guy with no dick, right? All right. You know what? You want the money or not?

Okay. How are we doing this? Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry, I look a little rough. I know like I've been picking out my face. I had the speed problem for a while, but I'm like back on track. I'm trying to get my life together. Is that a tattoo? Yeah, it's the devil.

It's okay. You know, I just, I fell on the dark side for a little while, but I've come out the light. I love God. Jesus is my main man. No, not that tattoo. There's another one right on your inner thigh. What is that one? That's an arrow.

Why do you have an arrow? Because that's the pot of gold. Right there. Oh, boy. What? Right, right there. The sweet spot, baby. Okay.

The little man in the boat. Okay. Let's just do this. I know you have a bunch of positions What do you want? There's this new one that I've been trying out That I think you're such a big guy I think you can handle it

What is it? It's sheep position The what? The sheep position What is that? Okay, this is where I assume The sheep position Okay, have you ever tried to push a sheep off a cliff?

No Okay, well, bad shit happens Yeah, no They hang on for dear life They dig in with their little hoovings The little cloven hooves And they just, they resist the push and they push back against you.

So I'm going to jump up here on your console. Oh, please don't. Oh, there she is. Roger, she's on the console. Look at my little starfish. It's just winking at you. Anyway, so like I'm in this thing. What is that?

Is that a Band-Aid on it? I had a hemorrhoid. Oh, God. The operation was a couple of weeks ago. It should be healed. Don't worry. Everything is fine. Does it have to be a Flintstones Band-Aid?

I used to watch that show. God. I always wanted it to be Betty. But that's okay. Okay, you know, life dealt me a different deck of cards. But here I am. What did that even mean? What do you want me to do?

Okay, so hang on. So I'm assuming the doggy position. Hold on. What are you doing? Is that an inhaler? Meep. Oh, my God. What is that?

A chunk of asbestos? God. It's just some long. It's okay. Oh, God. It's purple and black. This is why I need the cash. dude. This is why I need the cat.

All right. What is, what am I doing? The little bo-peep. What is it? You're mounting me from behind. All right. Okay. And then- Let me just unzip here. Roger, stop laughing, please. All right, let's get this over with. Ready? Sorry. Can you give me a countdown or something? Oh, God. I said a countdown, not a cough down. God. Yeah, I'm ready, I'm ready. I'm ready.

Can I get a countdown? Can you count down? Can you count? me in five four three oh god two one do it uh...

aren't you supposed to be making sheep noises oh fuck okay oh oh oh oh my god Oh, oh, God! Ah!

Oh, okay. Okay. Wow. Can I get you a lozad? Do you want a Wurther's original or something? Hang on, I might have one. What? Oh, my God.

Is that stuck in your pubic hair still? Is that where that shit is? I've been looking for it for... Wasn't that there the last time? You didn't take it. I thought you ate it. Oh, God. Okay, please put your clothes on.

Thank you, Roger. You're so sexy. Thank you. Here's some money. I'm sorry you're in dire strait. Here's five. Five? Five dollars.

What? Five dollars. I can't even get a fix with five fucking dollars. What the fuck, dude? What the fuck? Okay. Out. And then for five dollars?

Out. Are you kidding me? Out. Roger. Roger. I'll give you my vagina for 10. Oh, for God's sakes, Roger, geez. You know that's humiliating?

You know, my boss made me do that the other week to get ratings up, and I didn't know she was taking pictures on her phone, and now she comes back and blackmails me. I don't think my listeners want to hear me having sex on the air. I don't want to be doing it especially not with her make sure that cleaning lady leaves some wind decks or something

so I can wash off later that makes me mad I'll tell you you know what else makes me mad let me tell you what makes you guys mad or maybe I'm just a dits floyd whatever that means have you seen these curly

whirly twisty twirley light bulbs. Have you seen the new fangled light bulbs, the green light bulbs that looks like somebody cleaved off some pig tails and glazed them with glass or something? You know, they're like those little twirly, whirly, supposed to save power and energy light bulbs. Either I'm like a tard or every light fixture I have is from 1942 or I'm missing the boat but how many of you gang have gone out and bought these new

green twirly twisty pigtail light bulbs and they don't seem to screw into anything like every third light I go to screw into the second somehow it doesn't work somehow it doesn't fit Somehow it's too big. Somehow I can't get the lampshade over it.

Somehow it won't fit into the thing in the roof. Somehow it's the part where it screws in is too fat and it won't screw all the way in and therefore it won't light up. I mean, I've had problem after, and I keep buying these things and I forget. I go, well, look at this, a nine-year light bulb. It's only, what, what's this, 700? $100 for a nine-year light bulb, that's got to be a deal.

Let me screw this thing in and I won't have to screw another light bulb in for nine years. This light bulb might outlive me. This light bulb's light will shine longer than my light shines. Hallelujah. Wrong. I can't get any light out of that because I can't, I can't, I can't screw it in to any of my ancient light fixtures. They're an awkward size.

They're a different shape. The part that screws in is a different configuration. I keep spending money on these 25-year light bulbs, and I don't think I've had more than two of them ever successfully find their way into a socket and light up. And I'm like, I'm never buying one of those again, and then, you know, seven months later I'll be in this store. I need some new light bulbs. Oh, look at those piggly wiggly. Let me try and help save the earth with the piggly wiggly, swirly, light bulbs.

Let me do my part to, you know, reduce my carbon footprint. Well, how much of a landfill have I filled up with these onions? Unused curly-wurly, piggly wiggly light bulbs. You know, many, they're just throwing away because they don't fit anywhere? Now, is it just me? Am I the only one? Am I the only one that's doing this wrong or as the antiquated lighting systems everywhere I go? It's at the cottage.

It's at the beach house. It's at the marina. It's in the boat house. It's in the tool shed. in the house it's in the everywhere you go these things don't seem to fit properly I don't know

maybe I've got to get back to the future Marty I don't know so there you go let me know if you want to write me and tell me if it's me or if it's all of us uh harlornwilliams.com you can write me or call me leave me a message help me through this

323 739 4330 Good golly Miss Molly The hell is this all about And let's get to some announcements here before we wrap it up for the day Let's see I am going to be in San Jose

Next weekend May 9th through the 12th The Improv in San Jose California Great Club man Please check it out. This place is like it's an old opera house or something. It's like a multi-tiered theater.

It's just one of the nicest comedy clubs in the country. Please come on out. And we're going to be doing a double show. I'm bringing my opening act, Sean Tweedley, and we're going to be doing improv. We're going to do stand-up comedy, and then after the stand-up, we're going to come out and take suggestions from the crowd and do improv.

And I'll tell you what, man. and that is fun. So it's like a double show. No other stand-up in the country does this. So get your tickets. Go to my website, harlowewilums.com, and click on the link and reserve your tickets to the San Jose Improv,

Thursday, May 9th through the 12th. And here's something cool. I'm going to be doing a benefit in Hollywood, California, on May 7th, which is a Tuesday, night nobody has anything going on on a Tuesday so if you're in hollywood come on out this is a benefit to raise money for the blind and uh it's for a great cause uh it's going to be me and uh jena elfman uh the famous actress jena elfman will be there paul rodriguez gregg fitz simmons uh it's going to be a really great show uh so please uh you give you

your tickets go to improv.com click on the hollywood improv link for may 7th it's a tuesday night and uh come on out and you're gonna i mean that's a great show you're getting like six head five or six headliner comics for the price of one and uh your money's going to a great cause so please come out and then uh if you're living in denver if you're in if you're in old Colorado. May 17th to the 19th or sorry 17th and 18th. It's just a Friday and Saturday night at the Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado. Great club. Please come out. And then lastly, a weird

announcement. I know I was telling you folks that my sitcom, my new Canadian sitcom was supposed to premiere on Monday, Monday, May 6, package deal. And we just got news that they've moved it, and this is kind of funny. Only in Canada, folks, okay? They moved the premiere date because they didn't want to compete with the hockey playoffs. And this isn't even a joke. You know, Canadians love their hockey.

Hockey is probably the highest rated television in Canada. And so wisely, I guess, they decided to move the premiere of Packaged Deal, my new sitcom, to, it looks like it's going to be June 24th, I believe. Yeah, it'll be Monday, June 24th, same time, 8.30. and sorry for the confusion but you know blame hockey blame Canada and that's it that's it that's all you need to know check out harlowe williams dot com go to our store and um and until next time gang thanks for listening tell your friends and until next time chicken chalman baby Thank you.

Thank you.