The Harland Highway - 491: Harland goes to NASCAR, Dr. Ascot returns, space puke.

Episode Date: May 9, 2013

Harland goes on an all access trip to NASCAR and has a report, Dr. Ascot returns for some on air therapy, and what happens if you puke in space? Smash my cash!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

yeah that's right i'm puking right out of the gate i'm puking because that's we're going to talk about puking today but not just any old puking uh puking in outer space yeah bet you didn't see that one coming there mr spock we're going to be talking about space pukin um i made my first trip to naskar we're gonna get into that i was uh was all over the car track, had never been to NASCAR, and I'm going to give you my, my reviews. I got all kinds of reviews coming in, good, bad, ugly, favorable, unfavorable, all kinds of stuff. And then, you know, we have a guest coming on the show who hasn't been around for a while,

and he's back. He's back. He's a guy I have to do therapy with. Yes, Dr. Ascott is here to put me through one of his insane therapy sessions. Who knows? I've actually been feeling kind of good lately. Maybe I'm finally coming to terms with having Dr. Ascott around. Who knows?

Maybe his methods have worked on me. I don't know. Does anything really work right here on the hospital? Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance

on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Brad? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong

turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Kaboom! What an explosion. And here's...

Oh, boy. Talk about explosions. Guess what, gang. Yours truly finally went to his first NASCAR race. Okay, NASCAR. I don't know what NAS means. I know what car means. I have no idea what a NAS is.

But put them together and you got NASCAR. Is it National Automobile Car? Car? National Advanced Carining car. I don't know. I just don't know, but I went. and these sounds you hear behind me I recorded these at the actual race I was at

I was at the STP 400 or 500 I can't remember I think it was the 400 and when I say 400 I think it means 400 miles and excuse my ignorance because I'm not I'm not seasoned in the NASCAR car race world to be honest I've always thought it was a bit goofy and a bit stupid and there's probably people listening

on oh dude dude watch it dude whoa whoa whoa whoa step back take a step back dude do not call my NASCAR stupid just gear it down dude I said I thought it was kind of

stupid okay um i mean think about the premise you go to a stadium like a football stadium you sit up in the bleachers with a hot dog and a drink and you watch cars go around and around and around and around in a circle and you know what i'm going to be honest since i was there i still think it's a little bit stupid i i can't say that i'd rush out to go do it again i you know but here's my assessment of it on some levels it was really cool it was really interesting it was really fascinating it's it i mean the skill the the drivers moving at these astronomical speeds the energy the sounds the sights uh the danger element all that is very exciting and it's very cool but at the same time it all takes place well

cars are going around in a circle you know like 500 times and the novelty wears off for me personally what I what I discovered is and this was no mystery I kind of knew this from watching NASCAR on TV not watching it but scanning past it on TV is I can never figure out who's in the lead

and who's behind and what car is what and who's who and maybe just because I don't go enough. I'm sure to the NASCAR expert you know

they know every single car and every single number but even once you know that it's just around and around imagine going to a horse race. All right how many of you are horse race fans And imagine the horses just kept going around and around and around 500 times.

There they go again. Imagine that, that horse-free sky. And here comes chocolate Christmas again for the 400th time. And can someone give me a drink? So, you know, it was kind of like very, very. repetitive to me. Now here's the good part. Here's the part I love, the first five laps, okay?

And this was cool. I had full access. One of the local DJs in Kansas where I went to the NASCAR, he was very generous, very kind, and got me tickets to this event, and I was able to get tickets for two of my buddies. And we had full access. I mean, we were right down in the pit stop. We were literally about probably 15 feet from where the cars pull in and get the tires changed.

I mean, we were there. We went up into the stands. We went into the guy who owns NASCAR, the general director or manager, the guy who runs the whole kit and caboodo. We went right up into his private glass booth up at the top. he was serving booze and food and I got to meet him and I'm naive I don't even remember his name but he couldn't have been nicer then we even got to go up on the roof of the stadium and watch the cars

from up there I mean we were everywhere man we were everywhere but my favorite part was probably right down beside the cars watching the cars come in watch them change the tires and that wrench thing that automatic nut removal. That didn't sound right. And my favorite part was the first

five laps, because here you are. You're at this track. Everything's quiet. You're waiting for the race to start. And all of a sudden, man, that first, like, these guys step on the gas and start flying. And they whip by you so fast. Like 40 cars.

They're just whipping by you super fast. and the noise and the energy and your ears aren't used to the sound yet and it's just like it's like a giant thunder cloud rolling over the hill with constant thunder

smashing and it was amazing that part was amazing but then because it's a repetitive action eventually it got kind of like oh there they go again yeah there they go again

yeah there they go again yeah there they go again Yeah, there they go again. And it didn't matter which angle or which vantage point I was at. I honestly found myself kind of, you know, getting a little bored with it. And if there was ever a spin-out or someone hit a wall or there was a flat tire, that caught my attention. Oh, there's some white smoke. Ooh, yay.

Someone's spinning. Yay. And then back to kind of, you know, meow. So there you go. It was cool, but I can't say it won me over to want to go all the time. And I know a lot of people go. And oddly enough, this is a weird observation. Oddly enough, I didn't see any brothers at NASCAR.

Like it was just like a pretty much a 99.99% white person affair. I didn't really see that many Asians I didn't see many Latinos I don't know if it's because I was in the middle of Kansas or you know what or whether you know minorities don't dig the NASCAR but holy smokes was it white

I was like wait a minute is this where are we is this is this a sporting event is this a rally what's going on but no it was just good old folks enjoying NASCAR i guess maybe it's uh for whatever reason it's just uh something that uh the Caucasians enjoy more than blacks or Asians or Latinos or East Indians or whatever else is out there I it was kind of odd it was so blatant it popped out at me and again it could have been just the geography maybe if I

I went to a race in, you know, Los Angeles. It would be more of a mix. I don't know. And then the other observation I had about people at the race is I found that a lot of them were kind of drifting off. Like the hardcore people, like the fans of racing that were, you know, you can tell we're into it. They had like the wardrobe and the racing hats and the logos. And I noticed a lot of them just kind of wandering around, sitting in the stands, hanging out, you know, with the snack bar. People up in the fancy booth were busy talking and having drinks, and they weren't really watching.

So part of me thought maybe it was just like, hey, it's like a get-together. It's like just an excuse to go out and socialize. So I don't know. I got to say kudos to the racers and all the people involved. Amazing skills, amazing precision, great energy, great speed. I enjoyed it. I don't know that I'm a diehard NASCAR fan after the experience, but I certainly advise people to at least give it a shot,

put it on the bucket list to experience. and if you dig it you dig it and if you don't you don't but you certainly have to admire the energy and the speed and the precision with which the whole event is done now I'm going to go have my own pit stop and we'll move on Hello, Alland. Oh, what are you doing here? Oh, seriously. What are you doing here, Ascot? Holland.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is my, I guess my former therapist, Dr. Ascott, who for a long time came in every week, and I had to do on-air therapy, because, you know, the powers to be that run the podcast were a little unnerved by me. They thought I was a loose cannon was going to do or say something ridiculous. That's right, Alland.

And so they forced me. It was a mandatory thing. I had to do on-air therapy with Dr. Ascot, but I think it was successful. Well, I'm saying it. Look, as much as I'll be honest, I didn't like you, I didn't enjoy the sessions. but I think maybe in retrospect they provided some calmness for me.

They maybe centered me, made me, you know, be a responsible, respectable podcaster. Oh, that's wonderful. Well, look, I never thought I'd say this, but I guess in a way I should thank you. You're welcome, all on that's excellent news. Well, it is excellent news, and I know that. that you have to do your mandatory check-ins and see how I'm doing psychologically and absolutely, Holland, and how are you doing? Well, I think you can hear it my voice. There's a calmness. There's a...

Describe the calmness to me, Holland. Well, for lack of a better... Give me a visualization, Holland, of what you feel. Okay, I was getting there. I said I was getting to that. Holland. Okay, and I think I asked you before not to say my name over and over. Holland.

Okay, visualization. Yes, give us some imagery of the calmness and the relaxation you're feeling. Oh, Holland. Don't, please say my name, don't drag it out like that. Understood, Holland. okay uh go ahead all and well i guess you can best describe my calmness as it it almost feels like if i could visualize it that a cloud is like a soft white puffy cloud is hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount. count and a hundred percent free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Almost like descended down from the sky and is laying on top of me. It's warm, it's quiet, it's peaceful. Interesting, Arland. And did you invite this cloud to lay on top of you?

Well, no, it just kind of, you know, floated down from the sky and landed on me. In other words, it wasn't invited to land on you, Arland. No, it wasn't invited. It just, it's a cloud. It laid down on top of me. Holland, that's called rape. Excuse me? That's called rape, Holland. What do you mean, it's called rape?

Something is not allowed to force itself on top of you, Arland. I'm afraid to tell you you've been badly raped. I have not been badly raped. cloud. Holland, when anything forces itself on you, when anything forces its will upon you and lays you down so you're helpless on the ground like a little baby and lays across your body, it's called rape, Holland. It's not called rape, it's a cloud.

I mean, the cloud was all over me. It was in front of me, it was behind me. So you'll say you've been raped from behind, Arland. No, I haven't been raped from behind. What's the matter with you? Holland, this is a very dangerous visualization. You've been raped. I haven't been raped.

There was a bunch of clouds. Sometimes it's a group of clouds. You've been gang raped, Holland. I haven't been gang raped. Holland, how many clouds were there? I don't know. A cluster? Maybe 12 or 13?

That's called a cluster fuck, Holland. You've been cluster gang raped. I haven't been cluster gang raped. You're making me upset now, Ascot. Holland, I would be upset too if I'd been raped from behind in a cluster gang rape. Stop it! Stop it, stop it. Get him out of here.

I was calm. I was relaxed. I haven't seen this guy in a while. And now, you're full of rape. rage, Holland. I'm not full of rape rage. I'm upset that you're here. Holland, all this rage, all this raw emotion

coming out of you as the result of the psychological anger from the many, many, many cloud rapes you've had. It must hurt to be stretched open by a cumulus. I wasn't stretched open by a cumulus. Roger,

get them out. Get out of here, Ascot. Take your yellow socks and your golden corduro and get the F out of here. F as in fuck Holland? No, no, yes! You've been fucked by a cloud,

Holland. You've been cloud fucked. Rape. Let me hear you yell Rape, Holland. Rape. Get out! Rape. God.

Roger? That is just creepy. What the hell? is wrong. I still want to check that guy's credentials. I'm sure that guy must have got his psychology degree at DeVry or online

or off the probably off the back of a box of Apple Jacks or something. What is wrong with that idiot? Cloud rape. You know, I don't like it that he has to come and check in on me still. I was doing really well. I was

in a good spot. I was I think the listener's going to attest to that. I was calm. I was relaxed. I don't need that guy anymore. Now I'm never going to be able to look into the sky again on a nice sunny day and see some playful clouds going by without feeling... What?

Yes, without feeling rape. Thank you, Roger. Thanks for chiming in in there. A guy holds up a piece of paper. with the word rape written on and put throw that away idiot oh god and speaking of dr askott good lord i got to give a huge shout out um as i mentioned i was in kansas and i went to the nascar thing and i was working that weekend at the comedy club the improv and i got to tell you something happened that blew my mind and I've got to give a huge thanks to three of the pavement pounders came out.

And, you know, guys that listen to the podcast, fans of the show, and I tell you what, I'm still smiling about this, okay? This was like the biggest surprise. This made me laugh, and I can't stop thinking about it. And I want to thank these three gentlemen. Three fans of the podcast showed up to my improv, show in character as three of our lovable characters from the podcast. Okay, these three gentlemen, one of them showed up as Cinnamon Boy.

Hi, I'm Cinnamon Boy! Which was like amazing. And he was dressed like how he perceived Cinnamon Boy to be dressed. And he had a little name tag on his blazer that said it had the Harland Highway logo and then it said hello my name is cinnamon boy okay so that was number one character thank you sir

and then the next gentleman came as you know who the guy we just heard from Dr. Ascott hello all and he had the glasses on and he had the creepy clothes and he again he had that name tag hello my name is Dr. Ascott

amazing and then the third gentleman, the third pavement pounder showed up and this guy, he fit this character to a T. He was a larger, huskier guy with kind of a buzz cut and glasses and slightly gray hair.

He was a big burly dude and he came as my boss, Mr. Featherstone. Hey, Arlen, you ever fought on a raccoon? Seriously, you ever fought on a raccoon? These guys were doing the voice, the voices of the characters, they were dressed like the characters, and they wouldn't break character. The whole time I was talking to them, they just stayed in character. I got to tell you guys that you tickled me to the core, man. It was beautiful.

It was totally unexpected. It was amazing. I really, really appreciated your effort. and I really loved it, man. It was just out of this world. So thanks again, guys, for coming to my stand-up show in character as characters

from the Harland Highway podcast. Great stuff. And burned in my memory banks forever. Excellent Holland. Kind of like the rape. Stop it! Stop with the rape. stuff let's move on speaking of up in the clouds um i want you to listen to this clip because it's

kind of something we don't think of but you know we've got the space station up there floating in the sky this hundred billion dollar space station and um and one of the astronauts up there is doing a really cool thing he's taking like phone calls from people on earth and uh one little girl called in and asked him a very kind of interesting question about floating around in zero gravity up in space. Have a listen. Hello, my name is Ayla. I'm in grade nine, and my question for you is, do astronauts ever get sick or ill aboard the ISS? Hala, when we first get to space, we feel sick. Your body's really confused. And so, you know, you're dizzy, your lunch is floating around in your belly because you're floating, and what you see doesn't match what you feel.

So you want to throw up. So how do you throw up if you get sick in space? So here's an astronaut barf bag right here. So let's say you're about to throw up in space. Quick, you get your barf bag open. And now think about what happens on Earth when you throw up. You throw up and you have a bag of something horrible, and then you throw it away. But in space, if I throw up in this.

bag, what am I going to do with it? This bag has to stay with me in space for months. So we want a really good barf bag. So we have one that will really protect us. And this one has a liner in it so that when you throw up into it, so that when you throw up into it, you can clean your face off, and then you can push everything inside, and then it comes with its own zip lock to clean, put inside the zip lock, and then you can throw it down into the wet trash. So yes, astronauts do occasionally get sick in space, but we have special barf bags to deal with it. Oh, man. That's creepy. And I know you couldn't see the footage, but what's really creepy is the barf bag was clear plastic. So not only is your barf

floating around with you for six months you get to see it you get to see it floating around why why won't they it's like a clear plastic bag why wouldn't you use like a dark you know bag that you couldn't see through you don't want a transparent barf bag man they don't even have that on airplanes weird weird weird like aliens puke. I wonder if E.T. puked. He was like, E.T. phone, ho. What about those monsters from aliens?

They're up in there on their horseshoe-shaped spaceship. They got like two mouths. They got one mouth that opens, and then another mouth comes out and opens. I wonder if they double puke. Like, I'm going to kill you. Oh, hold on. Uh-oh.

I feel that. breakfast burrito hang on can i kill you later hold up and then like two pukes at once like a fancy water fountain man space puke and i guess it's got to suck if you if you're like an old guy guess that's why they don't send seniors into space right with the bowel issue They can control problems. Can you imagine floating by that window after seven months? You look in the window. You just see a bunch of humans and a bunch of, like,

O'Henry bars floating around. You look like it's snowing O'Henry bars. They'd just be like floating all around in there. Sorry, I had another little accident. That's what I get, Friedin all those space prunes. Oh, there's another one. Oh, my goodness. Duck, Ralph, duck.

It's coming right for you. Look out. Oh, God, it got him in the forehead. He looks like a chocolate unicorn. Oh, boy. So, I mean, don't be fooled. Space is a hazardous place, man. And that's a good way to end the show.

Safety, I'm with a safety tip. Do not, do not let any of your bodily fluids out in space. Okay? Word to the wise. Word to the wise. No space fluids. So let's see here. Let's do some announcements.

And let's motor on. let's see what's going on here gang what can i tell you about how about uh if you're in san jose you get your ass out the door if you're in san jose california and you come and see me tonight at the san jose improv yes sir i'll be at the improv this weekend uh may 9th Thursday may 9th right through to the 12th Thursday to sunday and it's going to be a great show going to be doing stand-up comedy, and then after the stand-ups over, we're going to be doing some improv. Going to be taking suggestions from the crowds. It's like a double show, man.

So check that out. And then the following week in Denver, Colorado, at the Comedy Works, great club, May 17th and 18th. That's a Friday and a Saturday. Get your tickets in advance. That sucker usually sells out, man. the Denver crowd dig dig daddy so we got that go on and then check out harlowe williams.com check out our store for your merchandise needs you can write me and leave me emails at harlomwilliams.com or if you want a phone and leave me a voicemail you may hear yourself on the podcast eventually 323-739-4-3-3-0 and here's something fun I'm just releasing a brand new video series

it's called fish slang fashlang and it's really like a crazy stunt show that I do with special guest stars every week you got to check it out It is demented. Each episode is only about three, four minutes long, but check out for schlanged. I post them every week, so if you want to be part of it, join my Twitter feed at Harland Williams. Or if you want, you can jump onto my Facebook page, and you can go to Facebook.com backslash official Harland Williams. and fish slang will be posted there and on my Twitter account

and all over the place. So let me know what you think of. Fishlang! It's pretty twisted and demented. I'm having a lot of fun doing it. We're going to put one up every week and it'll be a blast. See if you can get your fish slang on.

Okay? this first one that we put up is called pike in the dyke and we've thrown a giant pike into a dyke it's that simple folks so check it out for slang brand new web series by yours truly and I think you're going to dig it and that's it that's all we got time for I got to go get my space bar fawn

uh so keep it real in the deal and uh until next time boys and girls a big bowl of space chicken chow me on the baby