The Harland Highway - 492: GUN CONTROL BULLSHIT, old, nasty veins.

Episode Date: May 16, 2013

Today we talk about the myth of gun control, a call from Harland's Aunt Ruthie, and when is it time to say goodbye to short skirts? Bunch of clunch!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. I said hello three times. That means there must be at least three of you listening. Hey, boys and girls, it's Harlem Williams here on the Harland Highway. And what a show we have today. I think somebody's going to be calling my cell phone and leaving me a message later today, which could be interesting. It might be one of my relatives.

um so we'll see um also we're going to be talking about uh the whole gun control thing i've you know i try not to be too political on this show or get too serious or get into you know too much topical stuff but i've had it i've had it with the gun control fantasy the gun the idea that something's going to change that something's going to uh the gun laws are going to change that everyone's going to be safe It's all a big illusion, and I'm tired of all the spin and all the people talking about it, and I'm finally going to get into that. It's a little bit serious, but from time to time I go there and see what you think. It's just an opinion, but I can't hold back any longer.

And then we're going to talk about people getting ugly. Oh, yeah, we all get a little ugly somehow. I mean, we're getting ugly right now, because this is the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra?

If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hello, boys and girls. Everybody pull up a chair and gather around. I'm going to tell you a fairy tale. This fairy tale's called gun control. Once upon a time, there was a country that believed in freedom and liberty

and told all the citizens of its country that they could own guns. They could buy guns and they could own them and they could keep themselves safe and everything was going to be peachy keen. But as the population swelled in that country and the laws diminished in that country, more and more people used guns for violence

against the other people in the country. And as the bodies piled up of children like you and adults and grandparents and school kids, You'd think that the country would do something to put an end to having guns. But instead, they did nothing. They said they'd do something, but things just kept getting worse, and more and more people kept getting killed, and it just keeps going from there.

In fact, you're lucky you're alive right now, children. Okay, settle down. Settle down. We're off to shoot you. Yeah. Um, okay, so obviously that's a sarcastic, uh, sarcastic approach to a very serious problem. But that's what it is, gang. The whole, uh, the whole gun thing, it's a fairy tale. It's truly a fairy tale. You know, it, it's so difficult to sit back and watch, uh, all the, all the pieces in motion. all the protesters, all the pro-gun people, all the anti-gun people, all the legislation,

all the congressmen, all the politicians, all the people for it, all the people against it, the NRA, the whole toxic cocktail leads to a hurricane of nothing. You know, you've all seen weather maps of hurricanes swirling around and they eventually blow along and they leave a path of destruction. This is just gun control issue, just one big swirling hurricane over the whole country that just won't ever move. It's the only stagnant hurricane in the world.

And yet, for not moving, it's still leaving a path of destruction. You know, Kathy Gifford, the Sandy Hook kids, the Columbines, the, the, the shoot-ups at the movie theaters, the shoot-ups on the campuses, the shoot-ups in the malls, and the train stations, and the airplanes,

and it just doesn't end. And as we've just recently seen, the president is powerless to push anything through. The congressmen are too scared to do anything. The representatives aren't doing anything. And if it all seems like a big, huge surprise, just rolled the tape back rolled the tape back to the 80s

during the Reagan years go back to the Brady bill okay and for those of you that aren't familiar with the Brady bill all right Jim Brady was the press secretary to President Ronald Reagan back in the 80s

and he was shot on March 30th 1981 during the assassination attempt by John Hinkley Jr. on President Reagan. Brady was shot right in the head and suffered a serious wound that left him paralyzed for life. And so Brady and the people around him and his family and all these people that were shocked and appalled by the whole thing. uh they put all the wheels in motion and they drafted up a thing called the brady law and the brady the the brady bill was uh was was supposed to introduce this whole background check thing and all this and that and uh again just just another

another little branch of the fairy tale and uh i'm sad to say, you know, with Mr. Brady and many victims like him, all these little incremental things, like, oh, let's get a background check, and let's do this little thing, and let's do that little thing, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It ain't going nowhere, man. Okay? Here's the Brady law where it stands now, okay? From 1994 to 2009, Over 107 million Brady background checks were conducted. During this period, 1.9 million attempted firearm purchases were blocked by the Brady background check.

Or 1.8 percent. Okay? So 1.8 percent of all firearm purchases were blocked. Now, that's not a big number, okay? And it turns out that between 2000 and 2009, over 30,000 denials were reversed on appeal. Okay, so again, another thing that our country can be so proud of where, you know, there's loopholes, there's ways around things. There's laws that are implemented, but, oh, wait, there's also laws that undo the law. that were made.

Oh, it's frustrating. And so, you know, you've got things like the NRA, the National Rifle Association, who filed lawsuits against the Brady Bill, and they are a huge, powerful law force. They are the opposite side of the gun issue. And whether you're for guns or against guns, Um, what, what it seems to me is just one big swirling mess that moves nowhere.

Okay? It's just all, it's all a bunch of static, shitter chatter, and, uh, rhetoric, and lip service, and, uh, it's all going nowhere fast. and all these gun crimes, they seem to be increasing more and more. And I'm going to offer up what I think is the answer, because the rest of it is just a fairy tale. The rest of it is just fantasy. Here's what I think you do. And don't get me wrong.

I'm not against guns and I'm not for them. I'm kind of like, you know, I think they're like any other thing that, you know, in a free society you can buy or use or. or, you know, I'm not one of these like, I hate guns. But here's the logic police inside my head, okay? Here's the only way this gun thing ever gets resolved. You just say, no more guns. Guns are outlawed.

No one can have a gun. Maybe if you're a hunter or you're in law enforcement, you can get a gun. Under strict rules, supervision, you can get a gun. but the idea of someone being able to go in and buy a gun on their lunch break or going into Walmart or Kmart or you know just picking up a gun maybe two guns maybe five guns going to gun shows all this stuff you just take away the guns and you're all going well that's not realistic you can't just take away the guns that'd be impossible and my argument is do you remember asbestos remember when the government

discovered that there was asbestos in a bunch of buildings and lo and behold, the asbestos was killing people? Guess what the government did? They demanded, they insisted, they made it law that you had to go in and get rid of all the asbestos.

Or the buildings had to be torn down that had asbestos, or asbestos suckers had to go in and suck the asbestos out of the wall. Asbestos had to be removed and eradicated. to protect the citizens. Well, it looks like guns are killing a lot more people than asbestos, and people clearly don't know how to understand guns and how to use them.

So if the government just goes, you know what, no more guns. And you're like, well, will it get rid of guns? No, it won't. But it will be much more of an anomaly for someone to have a gun. So when a gun does surface or someone speaks of a gun or talks of a gun or shows you a gun, it's more shocking to the system. It's enough to make people in society who don't have guns spread the word. Hey, did you know that Jim Edwards down at the end of the street has a gun?

What? You're not allowed to have guns. You know what I mean? So do you eliminate guns? No, but when you outlaw them outright, if a gun does pop up on the radar, it's a big thing. it's like right now look at look at the terrorists okay if someone told you they had a bomb or they're making a bomb in their kitchen or they like the guys in boston they made a pressure cooker bomb that pops up on the radar that's not something where you just go oh yeah he's making a bomb like that sticks with you that's that's newsworthy in your own mind that's newsworthy in the community and that's newsworthy enough that somebody says something to something to something. someone and when that kind of pressure is put on society when those kind of rules are enforced in society where there's no guns allowed which we don't really need them unless all of you believe that you know the Russians are coming or the U.S. government's going to overthrow us or

whatever then this makes it much harder to have a gun and the average person doesn't have a gun and the average person isn't hiding a gun and the average family's kids don't find the gun and take them into a school or shoot their little sister by accident or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So meanwhile, it's such a waste of time. It's like watching a tire spinning on ice.

All these people, all these groups, all these organizations. It's just a giant spinning wheel on ice. It's a giant load of bullshit. and I'm not trying to be the guy get rid of guns or keep guns. I'm just a guy in the middle looking for a solution. And if I'm a guy that came from another planet,

let's say I came from planet, you know, trombone, a place where guns didn't exist. And I floated down here and I saw people in this country shooting each other and using guns on each other, I'd say, well, get rid of the guns. that's all you got to do get rid of the guns and whether

you're four guns or against guns don't you think it's true that's all we need is just to get rid of the guns and like I said it won't wipe them out but I bet you 100 bucks it drops gun deaths

from you know 100% down to like 14% oh yeah And if you don't think making guns illegal and taking all the guns away from people that are already out there would make a difference, would help, you're in a fantasy world. It's the only thing that's going to change anything because the rest of it is just rhetoric. It's just going to keep spinning and changing and stupid little laws are going to be enacted.

They can't be enforced. And even if they can be enforced, there's so many guns, there's so many different avenues to purchase. or steal or get a hold of a gun that little tweaks to the laws don't matter. Background checks and this and that. It's like, oh, if you go to a gun shop, you got to have a background check. But guess what? If you go to a gun show, you don't have to have a background check. If you go to a gun shop, you got to have a background check.

If you buy a gun from another person, you don't need a background check or whatever. Whatever the variations are. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire. entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off,

one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into the dark.

And they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways. You're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up. On August days. This is where the story really starts. Weapons. It's maddening.

Because at the end of the day, you can say, oh, I'm gone, I'm not going to. But the end of the day, I care more. about people, then you're right to have a gun. And if you're all up in arms about your right to have a gun, what's that say about you? Oh, I got to have a gun, man. It's 2013. I've got to have a gun. I mean, I'm going to go to the mall.

I'm going to go rent a video on Netflix. I'm going to go to the drive-thru. And then I want to go sit at home and spend time with my gun. or I can have my gun ready in case World War 5 breaks out or if a monster comes through my door. Oh, it's frustrating. So there it is. To me, that's the only answer.

The only answer. Because this will just keep going and gone and gone until the end of time. You get rid of the guns, period. you know it's it's like when there's a war it's like it's a war humans can organize pretty damn good you know i mean here's a horrible example but look what they did did the germans did to the jews they just found them they rounded them up and started getting rid of them horrible this this was human beings they organized to get rid of human beings

so uh how hard can it be to organize to uh round up the guns if The government wanted to do that they could. They could shut down gun factories. The government could own the only gun factories in the country. Nothing gets in and out of the gun factory unless it's accounted for by the government. And then you're probably like, well, Second Amendment, that's the whole reason we have guns in case the government decides to take over. Dudes, the government's going to take over if that becomes their agenda.

You really think your little Smith & Wesson or your Glock handgun is going to stop the U.S. military? You think you're going to shoot a predator drone out of the sky with your Winchester? You think you're going to

go into your gated community and tell all your neighbors to hide behind their couches with their handguns? Gee, why don't, why don't you run out in the backyard and shoot down a stealth bomber? The government wanted to shut, to take over society, they pretty much could. So that whole fantasy that, you know, we have the right to bear arms in case the government goes berserk on our asses.

Ridiculous. Anyways. Like I said, I'm not against, I'm not, you know, I'm not against. I'm not against guns. I'm talking about just a solution. You know? I am against people getting killed and heard and the violence, but how can you be against a gun?

How can you be against all kinds of people who don't cause trouble with guns? But at the end of the day, there's a problem. Guns don't work because there's always going to be an element that can't control it. And so in a world, in a modern world where we really don't need guns to hunt for food, just get rid of them. There you go. There you go, kids.

That's your fairy tale for today. Unfortunately, it'll never come true. They will never get rid of guns. And you just keep watching the news. Keep watching the children and the families and the people. Just keep watching them die. Keep watching the body stack up because nobody has the balls to cut a cancer out that's so blatantly obvious. How'd you like that little fairy tale kids?

Oh, thank you. You're so kind. Hi, this is Harland. I'm not available right now, so please leave me a message, and I will get right back to you. Thanks. Hello. Hello, Halland. Hello, it's your man, Ruthie calling from Rochester, New York.

How are you, Dahl? I know I haven't talked to you in quite a while. Listen, I'm out driving. I'm going over to Gelson's to pick up some cool slats and some macaroni salad. I'm having Agnes and Margaret over tonight. We're going to play with gin rummy. Listen, I'm in a bit of a twist. I'm in a bit of a dilemma, Holland.

I just rolled to a stop sign. I was talking on the phone, on my cell phone, when I was driving. I know. Crucify me. I'm a lawbreaker. Hang me up on a cross like they did the baby july. Jesus, put a thorn of crowns on my head. Okay, or a crown of thorns, however you want to say it.

Sometimes I say things backwards. Look, I couldn't help it. Oh, Christ, I need my, where's my inhaler? Listen, I rolled through the stop sign and I'm petrified. I don't know what to do. Should I drive back, Holland? and should I Stop again

Roll back and stop And just wait I don't know what to do Okay, you know what If you get a honk at me If you get a honk at me Go suck a cucumber Okay

Somebody just honked at me I'm talking to my nephew That's right He was in the He's in the movie business He's on a movie He was in a um Sorority Boys

Yeah Anyways, I don't know what to do, Holland, so I'm just going to sit here. I'm going to go back to the stop sign, and I'm just going to stop until I figure out what to do. I don't want to get in trouble with the law. I don't want to get in trouble with the police officers. Oh, my God, I'll never figure the time when you were a little boy, and you got caught sharplifting that little pack of chicklets over at the local 7-Eleven. Do you remember that? and I had to come and pick you up

and you had tears in your eyes and I ruffled your little brown hair with my fingers and my wedding ring came off in your hair and I couldn't find it. It was stuck in your hair because your hair was so dirty your mother never...

Well, I don't want to get into that but I'm just here I'm stuck at the stop sign give you a man Ruthie a call okay, you know what? If you get a honk at me, why don't you go straight down to hell, okay? Oh, you're going to honk at me?

talking to my nephew. Hollow Williams is in the movie business. Okay, you're going to get a kid. Why don't you go down to hell, kneel down and suck on Satan's prune-wrinkled fucking ball sack, okay? That's right. I said prune wrinkled. I'm sorry.

You didn't hear that. Aunt Ruthie doesn't say those things, Arlen. All right, so I'm just here. I'm stopped in the middle of the road. Please call me as soon as you can. I just don't know what to do, rolling to a stop sign. I love you, honey. Okay, give me a call.

I'm going to talk to you real soon. I love you, little buddy. Come on, honey. Give root to your kiss. I love you. Give me a call, bye, baby. All right, you're going to do that again. Up your fucking...

Oh, Christ. Call me, baby. He's your fucking carrot cake. Wow. Whoa. It's a weird message from my aunt Ruthie. Haven't heard from her. Looks like she rolled through a stop sign. Geez.

Must be losing it, Ruthie. Ruthie's getting older. And speaking of getting older, I think I might get some flack from some people on this next topic. But it's got to be sad. It's got to be sad. said, and I say this with love, I say this for the benefit of society, I say this for the benefit of men, and I say this for the benefit of the women who commit this heinous crime.

Ladies, whether you're young, it mostly happens to older women, but whether you're young, middle age, older, you've got to stop this. If you've got to get legs, with crazy purple ass, spidery, windy, wendy, bulging, disgusting veins. Do not wear a skirt. Period. Okay? I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so shallow. I don't mean to be such a cosmetic individual.

But I'm just going to flat out tell you it is, it is vile, it is disgusting. How do you not know? And it happens, look, I'm not blaming you. People's bodies do weird things, okay, but sometimes you just got to accept it and cover up. I was walking down the sidewalk. There's a lady sitting out on a bench or a little couch. and I'm like coming down the sidewalk and I see her she probably looks like she's about 45, 50

and she kind of looked like a like an older like a cougar like kind of good looking from as I was as I caught her in the corner of my eye she's sitting on this couch smoking a cigarette you know she's got the little She's got a little white skirt on The glasses up in her hair You know

And she's got like Her legs are sticking out She's got this skirt And as I get closer I'm like Oh look at this Look at this fox And then I get closer and I'm like Whoa

Oh, like look at the veins scoob. I mean, holy God. The veins running up and down her legs. It looked like a busy GPS. You ever put on your GPS? And, you know, you come to a place and you're on a highway and there's just bridges and roads and the GPS has all these colored roads because a purple one and a green one and a blue one and they're all going in different

directions this lady's legs looked like a crazy busy GPS it looked like someone unfolded a road map and it blew through the air and landed on her legs it was just little lines and bulges and some of them were big man some of these big veins they weren't just veins but but they were, they were like protruding. They were like, you ever see veins and they're popping up? It's as if they're trying to get out of the skin. And I'm sorry, I know I sound like an ass, but I just had to like turn my head.

I was like, whoa, whoa. Oh, it's like you ever walk into a bathroom at an airport and you got to go and you kick a stall open and there's someone sitting in there and you're like, whoa, oh, sorry. Like you're repulsed, you like back away, or you're shocked, you're surprised. That's what it's like.

It's like, oh, look at that cougar. Look at those legs. Look at the, wow, wow, GPS, GPS. Those legs will get me to Minnesota, man. Those legs, that, that roadmap of veins will get me to the Mall of America if I follow those. Oh, man. And it's just, I don't know what causes it.

I don't know. I mean, there's varicose veins, but then I don't know what those ones are called that bulge out. Like you ever see an athlete's like a guy like a weightlifter or something and he's got the veins. And when he lifts a weight, the vein on his bicep pops out or on his forearm. You know what I mean? It bulges out. Well, how about a woman with those veins bulging out on her? legs but she's sitting on a bench smoking a cigarette couldn't be more relaxed something's up

man it's not like her leg is flexing or pulsing or straining it's just like the something's up with the veins man and just so you don't think i'm being sexist here this this whole like hang it up look like this lady clearly for the benefit of the rest of the world should not have been wearing a short skirt. She should have been wearing like Hillary Clinton canckel pants. Okay? She should have been hiding that GPS. And it's the same with dudes. Just so like I said, you don't think I'm being sexist here. A guy with a big fat gut, a big Budweiser beer belly should not be wearing like a green neon speedo on the beach. A fat man should not be wearing a tight little bathing suit.

It's the saying, it's like, whoa, whoa, dude, well, wow, whoa, dude. Like, wow, that's gnarly, dude, wow. So it goes across genders. I'm just saying know when to say when. No means no. No when to hang it up. No when you've crossed that line from like hot and sexy and you can get away with wearing something. No when it's time to.

not wear spandex okay when you've got a bump on your belly ladies and your your your ass doesn't fit over the toilet seat anymore you know it's time to not wear spandex okay you're not doing anyone a favor dudes when your guts hanging out hanging over your belly it ain't time for the tight bathing suit so so there you go hide the veins hide the guts i know we're all human but come on don't don't assault our sensibilities with your you know whatever's it's like a stripper with a giant cesarian scar a bullet hole it's like come on come on put that crap away so there you go then speaking of putting crap away it's time to put this podcast this crap podcast away

don't say that harlot it's wonderful okay beaten up on myself um let's do a few announcements before we split i know you always love this part don't you gang um let's see what do we got coming up here how about Denver how about Denver Colorado this weekend how about that. Do you like that? Yeah, starting tomorrow night. I will be in Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works. That's May 17th and 18th. Check it out. And then the following week, I will be at the Hollywood Improv in Los Angeles, California, on Melrose Boulevard at 10 p.m. doing a show. That's going to be a blast. And I want to tell you about something new.

that I think you're going to like. I have a new YouTube channel. I'd love you to go and subscribe to it because I'm going to be releasing a lot of funny videos and stuff over the next little while. I've got a new prank show, a stunt show, called Fashlang! Fislang!

And there's going to be like a new video coming out every week on this thing. And wait a see the amazing, incredible stunts I'm doing on this show. It's, they're mind bending. They're so dangerous and so crazy that you can't do them at home. But here's how you go see them. There's already one up there.

The first few shows are already up there. Go to YouTube.com slash Harland Williams. YouTube.com backslash Harland Williams. And please join. Subscribe to the channel. there's going to be a lot of great stuff coming up on the channel and you know this is all about making you guys laugh and believe me I think you're going to find some of these

fish slang stunts pretty out there pretty fun also go to harlowe williams.com where you can write me at harlewilms.com or you can phone me and leave a phone message 3237394330 uh check out the web store we will send you some wonderful merchandise, movies, artwork, corn on macabre, lettuce. I don't know, go look around. Check out my stand-up schedule, see if I'm coming to a town or city near you, and all

that fun stuff. So there you go. I hope you enjoyed the show. Please tell your friends, boys and girls. And we will be back next time here on the Harland High. highway and until then chicken chome baby oh holland you so cute