The Harland Highway - 493: BBQ EDDY Returns, and, Harland trains DOLPHINS!

Episode Date: May 20, 2013

Harland gets invited to train dolphins in Vegas, BBQ Eddy returns, A CRAZY new Harland Highway contest, and a visit from (puke) Dr. Ascot. Phone a clone!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy Jumping Swordfish. Hey, this is Harlan Williams. I am a jumping swordfish. Thank you for caring. Welcome to the podcast. This is the Harland Highway. Thank you very much. And we have some crazy stuff to cover today.

This is a great story. I got to be, you might not believe it, but it's true. I got to be like a little dolphin trainer. I got to interact with dolphins. Wait do you hear how this went down? And it was just incredible. Also, Dr. Ascot is here. I have to do some therapy today.

Don't like it. Got a crazy news story for you. You'll never believe what this idiot did. Some guy broke into a building, and you'll never guess what he did. He's a dumbass. Barbecue Eddie is here. Kicking off the summer with, you know,

trying to get his barbecue buddies together to fry up some ribs. And then for the first time ever, I'm having a little contest, a bizarre Harland Highway contest. Stick around. I'm going to tell you about it at the end of the show. It's very strange. I don't even know why I'm doing it, but I think it could be fun because this is the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here?

Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake up. call man you're riding down the harland highway with harland williams in 30 seconds you'll be dead i'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes hello hey how's it go man yes hey it's eddie what's that uh Eddie Eddie Eddie yeah it's gonna see if you wanted to uh throw a barbecue together today maybe uh

toss some ribs around and stuff. Eddie, who? Eddie from the hardware store? From what hardware store? Over at Osh. Over at what? Osh. Osh?

Pick up some ribs, draw them around. No? Have a barbecue, maybe smack back a few hynikins and stuff. Well, how did you get my number? Uh, Carol gave it to me? Who gave it to you? I'm sorry, I could... You're, like, under water, I couldn't... Oh, so Carol gave it to me over at the hardware store

I thought maybe we could throw a barbecue together, slap some ribs around and stuff. No, I'm not interested, Eddie. Maybe crack a few hynicans down or something, or... No, I'm sorry. Bye. Uh, maybe a few. Hey, what the hell? Wait a minute.

Cal, what the hell? We call me Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightly. No one you see is smarter than me. And we know Flipper lives in our world of wonder. Lala, under the sea. Yes, Flipper, good old Flipper. Why am I playing the theme from Flipper? And for those of you that don't know Flipper,

well, I'm Flippering you off right now. How dare you? Flipper, my friends, Flipper is an incredible old TV show, that played in the 60s and the 70s. And it's about a dolphin named Flipper. You remember Lassie or Benji? Flipper was the lassie of the sea.

Flipper was the one that was like, what's that? Someone's crying for help down in the coral reef? Flipper. Go get them, boy. So here's why. Recently I did a little trip to Vegas. I went to Vegas for a weekend of catching the theater. And, you know, just having fun.

And I decided to go over to the Mirage casino where Ziggfried and Roy have their famous man-eating albino lions and tigers. Okay? And these are the animals that ate Zygfrey or ate Roy, one of the one of the uh two jesus christ think fin look at his teeth oh well i guess i'm dead um so now they have all these uh these big cats on display so i go over and uh it used to be you could just look at him for free through it through a glass window and i guess someone got smart and thought you know people probably pay money to see an albino line of tiger

and sure enough they did so now they set up like a viewing area it's like a little zoo now and you can go over and you pay like 20 bucks to go in and so I went over there and I was with my friend and there was a lineup to get in

and I was looking at the prices I'm like 20 bucks I'm going okay I get it but it used to be free I mean I've done this before it was free you know whoopi do 20 bucks but you know when you're in Vegas you feel like everything they do they're trying to get money out of you and i was like i don't want to go back there and just see a lion laying on a log

you know how zoo animals are they know they're getting fed they get the best gig in town it's like i'm not doing nothing man i get fed every day somehow a a leg of uh cow falls out of the sky a zebra neck comes through that hole in the wall. It's like I, somehow I'm in a magic jungle. They'll just eat and crap and sleep. So I saw some people coming out and I was like, should I talk to them? Should I ask them?

And if it's any good and then a bunch of people went by and a bunch more people went by. And we were like, oh, let's go do it. And I thought, you know, I'm going to ask someone. So finally I stop some lady walking out. And I go, excuse me. me ma'am are the lions back there the taggers she goes yep and i go can you see them are they under a rock are they and before i could even finish she just starts smiling she says i know you i know who you are oh my god oh my god you know she recognizes me and then she goes i met you once in

denver i met you once when you were doing stand-up comedy and i'm like awesome she's really sweet really nice and uh i said oh what's your name she said blah blah blah and i said how great to see you again and i go what do you what do you do she goes well i work here and i go what do you mean she goes i work at the lion and tiger and dolphin thing and i go yeah there's dolphins back there too so i go oh that's cool and she goes what are you doing waiting and like come on let me just take you on back and i'm like holy smoke folks, the dolphin gods were shining on me that day, because out of all the people I stop, okay, I pick one person out of, it could have been any other human being on planet Earth.

And the one person I stopped knows me, has met me before, and she works there. And she didn't work there in terms of she had a uniform on or anything. She was just wearing shorts and a cute little top. there was no indication she worked there was just a fluke no name tag nothing and so next thing i know she's taking me and my friend back uh free of charge he's like come on in takes us back she goes listen to you mind if i get a picture with you so i go of course so we we get a picture that's the trade off and i'm thinking that's the end of it and then all of a sudden the the people that work there who are in uniforms

come over and they're like, hello, Mr. Williams. And I'm like, oh, hello. And they're going, we would like to take you over to the dolphin enclosure. And I'm like, you would? Yes, and we would like to let you go into the enclosure and the trainers would like to let you train the dolphins. And I'm like, what? Me and my friend just look at each other.

Did you just say what I think she said, train the dolphins? What? so yeah we go over and they go please take your shoes and socks off and roll up your pants and uh you know here's all these people standing around and all of a sudden me and my friend are stepping over the wall and the trainers are holding our arms and we're up to our shins in uh water dolphin water and next thing i know we're like uh the the trainers are teaching us how to make the dolphins jump and do tricks and spin. And he's showing us all the secret hand signals.

And the dolphins are sliding right up out of the water and touching us. And we're holding them and we're rubbing their heads. We're giving them fish. And we're holding their fins and shaking their hands. Oh, my God. It was one trick we did where we put our hands out. Like, you know, like you're putting your hands out, like you're cupping your hands, like begging. Please, so look, and I have small.

And the dolphins recognize this and come right up out of the water, slide up, out of the water, and rest their lower jaw right in your hands. Oh, my God, like a little dolphin angel. Meow. I don't know what I just said there. Dolphin, but hello. Oh, Charles. Oh, dolphin Riley.

Oh, ho. I mean, it was cool, man. I mean, it's one thing to go and pet the dolphins, but to be training them. I mean, we're doing this thing where it's like the guy taught us you do like a checkmark signal in the air. And that's the dolphin's cue to go swim away and jump up and do. flips and I'm like, what if a guy wears one of those Nike t-shirts with the checkmark logo on it into the aquarium? Does that cause the dolphin have a seizure? Just do it. Wee. We just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. I'm having a heart

attack. Thanks, Nike. So this was a thrill, man. I mean, you know, here's the other part of it. Okay, I'm in the middle of the desert. It's 95 degrees. It's scorching. I'm in the desert. Las Vegas is in the desert.

I'm playing with dolphins in the middle of a desert. What the hell kind of world do we live in? Oh, my God, it was great. Then they're taking pictures. of us and uh and all the people are standing around on the other side of the wall looking at us i don't know if they were jealous or happy or enjoying it it did feel kind of weird i felt like i felt like that guy that uh you know got picked out of the crowd to uh be the teacher's pet or something but uh the trainer was really nice and then uh and then check this out

Then they take us to a private area where it's for employees only where we go underwater and we're looking underwater in the glass at the tank, at the dolphin swimming around. There's babies and adults, credible animals, like just the look in their eye, their little faces. And they're a little bit intimidating because they are top predators. That's what people forget. These things are top-notch predators. They got a couple of rows of really solid teeth in that mouth. Pointy teeth.

Like if you got bit by a dolphin, forget it. You're like clam chowder, man. So this is, you know, I tell you guys every now and then how sometimes you get little perks if you're a celebrity or people know you from the movies or whatever you want to call it. And I'll be honest, this was one of those times, and I could have been happier. Usually it makes me a little uncomfortable, makes me a little nervous. I'm like, oh, no, you don't have to do that. This one I was like, oh, hell yeah.

Oh, hell yeah, dolphin. You want me to go train a dolphin? Oh, hell yeah. Okay? And then this happens. I'm just sitting there talking to one of the employees that works there. about, you know, dolphins and, you know, about the biology of dolphins. And the trainer who was up top training us, all of a sudden,

he tracks us down underneath in the underworld. And it just gets better. He walks up and out of nowhere. He pulls this on me. And they give birth right in the water, don't they? Yes. Right what happens right in the water. How long does that take for a dolphin?

Does it just, like, pop out or is it slow? Pretty bad. I mean, they do go into labor just like we do, so it's anywhere between, like, 45 minutes and two hours. And then it just happens in the water. Like, these two babies were about 45 minutes. They went pretty quickly. Wow. All right, guys, I didn't mean to interrupt.

Oh, no problem. I want to give you guys a business card before your contact info, because you're saying that you want to jump in with them. We can do that. Oh, really? All you got to do is let me know when you guys have some time. We can set it up to a hotel, get guys all spread away to go. Oh, sweet.

First thing in the morning, there's no gas, we get you in the water. Come on. Rock, dude. Oh, my God. No problem. Thank you. Yeah, you guys are welcome. Anyway, Tepth, I'll leave her to you guys and let her explain all the other fun stuff that you guys are going over.

That's awesome. Thanks, man. You are the best. Thank you. That was a big highlight. Thank you. Thank you. Wow.

Wow, indeed. Can you believe it? What a great guy. The guy goes out of his way, comes back down and offers to let us go swimming. He's going to get us in a wet suit and let us go swimming with the dolphins. in the morning. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that,

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Or any time we wanted. Now here's the down part. We were only in Vegas for one night. So it was a short notice, and I actually texted the guy right when I got back to the hotel. I said, look, I know it's short notice, but we're leaving tomorrow. Is it possible to do it tomorrow morning?

And he said, oh, I'd love to, but it's just too short. We already have some stuff going on with the dolphins in the morning. But he said, any time you want to set it up, you want to come back, let me know, and we'll get you right in the water, swimming around with the dolphins. Can you believe it? So every now and then the kid gets a perk, and that one's a, that was a good old perk. I mean, they didn't get in the water, but just the training and touching the dolphins. And what a feel.

I don't know if you've ever felt the dolphin. Easy. But it feels like one of those rubber plastic balls that kids have. Picture something the size of a basketball, but it's not any, it's not a volleyball. it's not a basketball it's just that kind of weird shiny rubber that you see a lot of them in the used to play murder ball with them in the schools or you always see him kicking around in a swimming pool they're really light but the the outer surface looks like marble and it's very shiny and that's what a dolphin skin feels like it's very shiny and smooth and oh just just amazing so there you go

That's my little, uh, Vegas Dolphin story. Hope you like it. What? No, I didn't pee in the pool. Well, up, oh, up yours too. Hello, Alland. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Holland.

I said hello. Hello, Holland. What are you doing here? I think you know why I'm here, Holland. Yeah, I know, on-air therapy, whoop-y-do. That's right, Arland. Well? Well, Alland, why don't you tell me how you're feeling?

What, you know what? Why don't you tell me how you're feeling? All right, Holland, if that'll help. I'm actually not feeling very well, Arland. Okay, and do I care? Well, thank you for asking, Holland. I don't remember asking. I'm suffering from allergies, Arland.

Okay, so? So... Oh, God! What was that? I told you, Arlund, I'm suffering from allergies. Okay, well, you don't... You don't... spit up on my floor this is a professional studio

you don't know don't you have a Kleenex or something oh you don't do it again Holland why don't we focus on you instead of my allergies well it's hard to focus on anything with mucus all over the floor there's phlegm

big blobs of phlegm ah you stop that I can't help it, Arland, I've got allergies. Well, get a Kleenex or some. Use your turquoise pants to wipe it up, Holland. Well, stop spitting on my floor. Why don't you tell me how you're feeling, Holland? That's the real reason I'm here.

Well, I was feeling kind of good until you came in. Oh, please explain. Why were you feeling good? Good, Alland. Well, I don't know. I guess the podcast is going well, getting lots of listeners, the ratings are going up. I'm really getting a feeling of satisfaction from a...

Oh, God! What, Allent. I was in the middle of telling you... I've got allergies, Allent. Okay, well, you asked me how I felt. I was telling you I'm feeling really... good because oh god god that was a big one holland yes it was it was bigger than all the rest and now there's a pile forming up it's not a pile yet holland what do you mean it's not a pile yet

now it's a pile holland oh god would you just stop it holland holland i can't perform my duties as a therapist, unless I've got clear sinuses in which I can communicate. You see? Oh, no, stop. Ah! Oh, two in a row. Get out of here. This is sick.

All and I can't leave until I find out how you're feeling. Okay, you want to know how I'm feeling? I'm feeling sick. Okay? I started to open up to you, and then all of a sudden, like a wall of jellyfish comes flying out of your nostrils and out of the back of your throat. That's a very good analogy, Holland. Well, I wasn't looking to get a laugh.

It's really unprofessional. It's really sick. It's really... There he goes again. Sorry, Holland. Good Lord, sir. Good Lord. Holland, please continue. Are you going to lock up any more Walkies?

I don't know what lock up a wolkey means, Holland. Hock up a Lugie. I will not hawk up any more Lugies, Holland. I don't trust you. I don't trust you, Ascot. You come in here with your brown shoes, your gold corduroy pants. I thought you said they were turquoise, Holland.

They were until you mucous all over them. Holland, you just got yourself a... Oh, God! Just get out! Holland, tell me how you feel. I feel great. Everything's fine. Daisies are flapping around. Butterflies are flying.

Everything's just dandy, Dr. Aska. I feel... Uh, get out. Get out. Holland. Do you mind if I use your pants? My pants? For what?

I need to wipe my hands off, Holland. Get out of here. And don't touch the doorknob on your way out. Allergies. Roger, get them out of here. Give me some backteen in here. Some of that, um, that fluid, that, that anti- antibacterial viral fluid.

I want to spray it all over the place. Oh, God. One more thing, Holland. Watch. Ah, get out. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird.

That's strange stuff. I make you crazy. Yeah, here's a crazy one, man. Um, this is, I don't know, people, if you're a thief, be smart. Here's a story about a dumb ass who broke into an office, pulled a bunch of computers out, put him out on the sidewalk, went back in, realized he was really tired and cold. So the idiot pulls a bearskin rug off a wall and curls up in the bearskin. What the hell is wrong? You're too dumb to even be a thief, dude.

You're dumb to begin with, but you're too dumb to even be a thief. You imagine the employees, hey, is that rug alive, Janice? It looks like it's breathing, man. Listen. He broke the window in this back conference room here. Hit it with a rock. Realtor Justin Miller shows us how a burglar broke into this Burlington Remax office building. This break-in is one for the next.

dumb criminals file. It involves alcohol, a bear skin, and a sleepy suspect named Christopher White. You can't think stupid. You can just arrest it. It was Friday morning. Investigators say White broke into the office, grabbed three computers, set them outside the front door, then went back in for more. They believe he went into the basement, pulled this bear skin off the wall, then fell asleep. This is officially his bedroom. Employees got to work around 8.30. realized there had been a break-in, looked around and called police. We're, you know, trying to piece together what happened. Nobody really knew that he was still in the building and the cop peeked through this window and there he was curled up on the bare rug laying in this little area. And that's when

they had, you know, kind of yelled, everyone get out of the building. A short time later, this 26-year-old was taken away in handcuffs. Then the fact that he was still inside the building was just kind of mind-blowing that. You know, you would try to break into a building and then fall asleep in it. You know, curled up in a bear rug. Your business? Yeah, my business. According to court documents, White admitted that he had gone out drinking the night before and that he was just cold and tired.

He was in here and we were just very grateful that, you know, no one got injured. Don't you mean no one got attacked by the bear? What a dumbass! I'm mama bear. I'm Papa Bear. I'm Baby Bear. I'm stupid bear. I'm retarded Bear.

bongk, walk into a wall, paneling. Wow. I mean, I wonder if the guy was, like, naked and, you know, had a glass of a sparkling rosé in his hand, maybe a little, little fire, you know, curled up on the bed rug, being all romantic and sexy. Cop looks through the window. There's this idiot naked on a bear rug.

Toast the cop through the window, winks at him. Bing! Hello, officer. Why don't you come in and arrest me? I've been waiting for you all night here on my beer rug. Hey, boo-boo! Not your average pickin-a-basket, boo-boo? Guys, yogi. You're all shriveled up, yogi. Hey!

That'll do it, boo-boo. Let's be on our way Where too, Yogi? To meet Mr. Ranger, of course. Hi, I'm a dumb-ass criminal. Yes, you are, Yogi. Hey, hey, hey, oh boy. Well, anyways, we're coming to the end of the show,

and I want to do something I ain't never's none done's before. Good grammar, buddy. Thank you. uh here's what i want to do and i don't know why but um i want to play for you a little song a little song we all know full of heart full of emotion full of everything full of life it's called when you wish upon a star your dreams come true and um i'm gonna play it for you i'm gonna sing it for you i'm gonna sing it for you i'm gonna sing it for you

And I want to do a little contest. I want to do a little contest. And whoever wins, I'm going to sing to them. So the contest is you have to call in to my number. 323-739-4-330. One call each, please. Don't call in multiple times. Don't be a cheetah.

Don't be a weasel. You get one call in and, you got to tell me why I should sing when you wish upon a star to you. I'm going to personalize it. I'm going to put your name in it. I'm going to personalize it to you. I'm going to try and put part of your story into it

and make sure you leave your name and see if you win the contest. The when you wish upon a star, Harland Highway contest. never been done before so phone in leave your message 323-739-4-330

will play a bunch of the messages and the winner the winner will get serenaded by me just like this when you wish

the walls home thanks go except who you are because when you live me upon his love your dream a dream except

the person who sells me their story the best will have their version. of when you wish upon a star customized, kind of more like this. If you call the heart of my way, leave a message with your story. It's my life. Your message story of customized it for you. So there you go.

Yes, I will serenade you, Jiminy Cricket style. How about that, gang? Um, you're like, that's it. That's the last time I ever listened to the Harland Highway. He finally crossed into very psychotic territory. Well, you know what? Screw you, if you don't like a little serenating by a bald cricket with a top hat. What's wrong with you?

Let me tell you what's coming up here, kids. Let's see. This Thursday, May 23rd, yours truly will be doing a showdown at the Hollywood Improv on Melrose Boulevard, 10 o'clock at night, one show only. on down. I'm just doing, I'm just jumping on stage for like 20 minutes. It's kind of like, uh, you know, like a little doop-a-do-do-du-dub-a-do-do-do-do-le-do, whatever that

means. Um, so please, please, uh, come on down if you want to. If you wants to come on down, you've got to come on down. Okay. Uh, what else can I tell you? What else can I tell you? What else can I? tell you.

Please don't forget to check out the new the YouTube page. The Harland Williams YouTube page. This thing is chock full of great stuff. And

it's got like this new crazy stunt show that I do called for slang. Or you can also join Twitter. Join my Twitter. account at Harland Williams, and it will have, it will take you every time I post a fashlang video, you will pick it up. But you're better off to just go to my website, harlunwiliams.com, click on the YouTube button there, the link, and subscribe to my YouTube channel, and you

will get all the latest crazy videos, including fashlang. So there you go. What else can I tell you? Check out the website. Check out the store. Check out the stand-up link. See if I'm coming to your city or town. And please tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway.

And maybe they'll get serenated by a bald cricket. Hey! So there you go. That's all I got time for today. Hope you're good. Keep on listening. Thanks for being here. I really mean it.

And we'll see you at the Dolphin Tank. with a great big bowl, a chicken chalming, baby.