The Harland Highway - 495: Special guest comedian/actor ADAM RAY!

Episode Date: May 27, 2013

Our old friend, comedian and actor, Adam Ray drops by to discuss life, love, sex, and to participate in a brand new game called 'Too soon, or not too soon?' Dive into your live!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

bang bang boom baby how's it going boys and girls welcome to the harland highway uh what a show today man i have a special guest with me the whole show going to be interviewing talking chatting gossiping bitching whining crying screaming all kinds of fun stuff uh with my guest today's an actor he's a comedian uh he's going to make an announcement on the show he's got a brand new movie coming out with Sandra Bullock. It's his first big motion picture, his first big movie motion picture. So he's very excited.

And we're going to talk about that on the show. We're going to talk about his life. Important questions, meaningful questions. And then we will be playing a brand new game with my guest called Tuesday. soon or not too soon. It's a brand new game here on the Harland Highway. Wait till

you hear it. Let's go with my special guest Adam Ray on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. All right. Let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway.

What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have Come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, boys and girls. Welcome to the Harland Highway, The H, and great show today. Great show.

We've had this Wildcat on the show before as a guest. Great guest. In fact, one of the highest rated Harland Highways. I think he sits in the top 10 of all the Harland Highways, and we're almost at 500. So to be in the top 10, this is pretty good stuff. He's a comedian, he's an actor. He's a podcaster.

He's many, many things. He has, in fact, been late for dinner. I checked on Wikipedia. He's been late for dinner. Welcome, my buddy, Adam Zachary Ray. Is it Zachary? It is. Well, it isn't, but it is now.

It is now. Well, it's Adam Ray, but for me it's Adam Zachary Ray. Are you cool with that, or are you mad? It's your show, so you could have called me, you know, Zachary beef titties. Oh, wait a minute. Say that one again? Zachary beef titties.

Can I go with that? I like that. Zachary, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Zachary, beef titties to the Harland. You emphasize the tities more on that one and not the beef. You know what, in fairness, if you want to give me a middle name, like instead of just Harland Williams, I mean, I'm not going to sit here and not take it. So you want to. Harland Rumpelstilskinskins.

Done and done. Fair enough. Done and done. Wow. Welcome to the show. Usually I save plugs until the end of the show. Yeah.

But I'm excited for you because you know, you're a guy who's been doing a lot of stand-up. You kind of started out as an actor in Hollywood. Young, good-looking actor. Went to acting school and became Wolverine,

which is what any great actor does when they graduate and pay tons of money for an acting program. And they become a theme park character. Well, before we get, get to that. What acting school did you go to? The University of Southern California. And how many years? I did four years there and then I did a year in London. What you did? With the British people. Did you study Shakespeare? I did. Did you? Shakespeare

in fencing. What, you did fencing while you did Shakespeare? It was a Shakespeare fencing mask class taught by a guy named John Leonard. John Leonard, the famous swordsman. And Marcello was the name of our fencing teacher. Oh, my goodness, that sounds lovely. Could you wield a sword and drink a cup of tea at the same time? Probably. Oh, you are trained.

You are trained very well. Wouldn't you agree, Your Majesty? Yes, I think he's done very well for himself, and he's got a sexy little caboose. Okay, you know what? Who's that the king of? That was the Queen of England, okay? What, the King?

Wow. Easy beef. Easy beef tinnies. So you go, I mean, you took this acting thing very seriously that you got out, like you said, like a lot of actors, you don't like just jump into movies and TV. You had to take a job at a universal theme park as Wolverine. Sure. Well, it started out as a tour guide on the back lot tour. And I don't know if we, I don't think we touched on this in the last podcast. But again, using when you graduate from an. acting school you're like all right even in a job like you know giving people the tours of where desperate housewives is filmed and where jaws was filmed i would still be like i still i'm still an actor i still got i can i can use some of these skills in this tour so like when we get to the jaws part i would commit 110 and freak out because you know on the script you're supposed to you know acted enough to be like oh hey there's our buddy scuba steve in the water oh steve's just

checking out to make sure the lagoon's fun oh hey what's that is that a because you would see the shark fin and then you know more 90% of the tour guys would go oh oh no Steve hey guys can you help me we got to yell for Steve to get out of the water looks like there's a shark behind him whoa no I would I wouldn't pull any of that bullshit I was like you know what I just went to a four-year acting conservatory oh boy this is gonna be good queen of beef and now I'm here trying to fucking create this atmosphere that there's a real shark in that water okay so I was like we got Steve out there in the water and is that a oh god hey Steve Steve, that's not supposed to be.

Is that a, okay, that's a shark. Steve, Steve, we need to, folks, please help me scream it. Steve, Steve, God, Steve, no, Steve, he's allergic to water. He shouldn't even be out there. Steve, fuck, Steve! And I would just lose my shit. Wow. Yeah, and really commit.

And people bought it. That was a great thing. And then some kids would start crying. And that's when my bosses were like, maybe he had to tone down the jaw spiel. Probably the fuck Steve part was probably not good for the kids necessarily. Is that where they started to cry? Was that the trigger? Yeah. Fuck, Steve!

Yeah. I could see kids. Yeah, because then it was going from Save Steve to Fuck Steve. Yeah. So it's like, somebody fuck Steve before he dies. Can you imagine getting fucked just seconds before you're eaten by a giant white shark? What would be more... Now, that might be the only time when you would be okay with getting fucked.

Yeah. Because you're like, I'm about to die anyway. Let me have some sort of last crazy moment before I get out of here. And you don't be great. porn music would segue into the Jaws team really perfectly. Like it would be Beow-de-do-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-be-l-bau-ba-ba- bow-wwwwow-wow.

A little bit of the sign. Fuck, Steve. Now, that, that was pretty good. I think it would have been a much more impactful for me if you'd done it in a British voice. Like, oh, fuck, Steve. Steve, there's a fight shock there. Fuck, Steve.

It sounds a lot less frightening when you say it in a British voice. Yeah, it almost sounds like that guy. Who's that guy from Get Em to the Greek? Mr. Bean? No, that actor, that... Oh, Russell Brand. Yeah. Fuck, Steve.

There's a fussy shark there. Fuck, Steve. Right? His British accent is very pungent, if that's a word I can use. Pugent is, yeah, that's a word. That's like if you're at the funeral parlor and they forgot to do the embalming fluid. your uncle becomes very pungent. Yeah.

So moving along, you go from theme park, Wolverine, which, by the way, is a good gig. You could have been She-Hulk or Wonder Woman, which would have been tough. Yeah, I didn't have the girth. Yeah, you don't have the figure for that. Nice try. And then, you know, you get a few little acting gigs here and there.

But here's what I was getting at, because I'm so excited. Like I said, I saved plugs to the end. You are coming out in a brand-new Sandra Bullock movie called The Heat. Right. And also with that other comedian. Melissa McCarthy. Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids. Yeah.

And isn't she a Mike and Molly? Yeah. Yeah, she's got her own show. And so Adam got a really solid, great acting gig in a brand new comedy that comes out at the end of June. June 28th. so I'm just excited and we're going to plug it again at the end but I was just like let's get it out there yeah I mean I play a bad guy played one of two bad guys and I have a beard and long hair and I'm a douchey club owner but then you get to see me in the in the club trying to hit on sandor bullock and my face gets shoved in between her um oh I can say or what I can say titty's on well you've already said fuck steve so I think tities is

But beep tiddies is my middle name, but if you say titties, aside from it being... No, dude, after fuck Steve, anything goes. You can say whatever you want. You can say moose fucker. You can say, I fucked a cloud. Piglavia. Piglavia. A zebra clit.

They're playing at the Trubodore, by the way, next Saturday. Oh, are they? Oh, they're great. Zebra Clit's opening for... Air supply? Not even. I was going to say mermaid pussy, but yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, mermaid pussy's still around? Oh, I mean, like, they went through that, like, you know, every band goes through a, you know, a little turmoil like the whole, what are we trying to, you know, define what, what are we right now?

Yeah. And so are we more mermaid, are we more pussy? Wow. But they're both now again? Yeah, yeah, they're on top of things. They're merging. Yeah, but they're, I heard they're going to try to do some sort of, like, Christmas album and, like, one of them's an atheist, so. Wow.

Mermaid Pussy sings Christmas classics. Wow. Daryl Hannah with a beard, eight reindeer, eight seahorses. All right, well, good for you. We're going to talk more about your movie towards the end of the show. But let's get into it, gang. Here we go. Let's get into the chit-chat.

Important topics to cover. And by the way, normally I play a game with all the guests, the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. But this time I've come up with a new. new game just for Adam Ray and you, the listeners, the pavement pounders. I'm not going to give it away yet, but hang in there, gang. We're going to get to a brand new game. First time it's ever been played with Adam, but let's get to the first question.

Adam, have you ever walked in on someone having sex? Oh, yeah. Who was it? And what did you see? Well, I've got two. Ooh, good. Nice. First one, freshman year.

roommate a week into meeting each other. Yeah. And, you know, it's obviously you're going to walk in on the masturbating. You're going to walk in on the sex, because you don't have the schedules down yet. I didn't like that obviously part. You know, obviously you're going to walk in on the masturbating. I mean, no. No, no, obviously I don't want to.

Let's not make that like a must happen item. No. You're going to wake up. You're going to get a nutrient bar. You're going to see him touching his dick. Oh, all right. So what happened? Well, so I walked, he had his girlfriend visiting from Santa Barbara.

And, you know, we hadn't yet gotten on the same page as far as like, does he have math from 9 to 1 or science from 2 to 4? Sure. I hadn't gotten that figured out yet. And also, he never locked the door. Even when we left, like, so our door was just always open. Okay. And so I'm coming back from play rehearsal, and I opened the door. And his girl, and he's like 6, 5, big dude.

She's like, you know, 5, 4. A little small girl. Yeah. She's on top of him. I walk in. She immediately turns around. He continues to have his way to plow. And he just looks at me as he's doing.

He goes, hey man, can he give me like five minutes? And I stay in the doorway and then I kind of close the door real quick. Because I needed to get like, I need to get like basketball shoes or something for a game. And so I was like, can I just come in and get my shoes? And she was wearing them? oh my god is that what you're about to say i had to take him off her feet no so then he uh he he uh didn't so i'm thinking all right maybe he'll get up i go can you just grab me my shoes he goes no no just come on in and get him bro i go all right

well just all right i'm not gonna look he goes it's all good i'm thinking maybe they'll stop awkwardly hide under the covers no continue to plow as i walk in and grab the shoes too casual yeah that's like a you were you was your campus on a a commune by any chance? Yeah. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah.

Like the guy's on the phone. It's like, hey, bro, can you give me five minutes? I'm talking to my doctor. Yeah. I love that. He actually said that. Yeah. And just, and so, because I walked in, I kind of glanced over a little bit and then

saw, and also hearing. It was just, it's not like they put the cover over and then continued. Was she disappointed? Did she go, five minutes? What's with the five, one half an hour, at least on this joystick? I put on these goddamn tennis cleats At least they could get half an hour out of it Yeah, you don't want to put a time clock off

Was his name Steve by any chance? It was. So you walked in and went, fuck Steve! I've had it out for this guy for a long time. Wow. Okay, that's a great one, man. And I love it that you kind of... See, most people would have just slammed the door,

but you're like, hey, dude, is it okay if I go get my shoes? I needed my shoes. Wow. What was I going to play the game without shoes? What was the game? It was a basketball pickup game. And what was the play you had just come from? How to succeed in business without really trying, the musical.

Is that true? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

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Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. for real yeah what's that the guy just sipped his drink like whoa very off setting right there yeah yeah it was uh you want to hear a great story about that the guy who directed it was this guy kelly ward he directed all the musicals at usc

and he was in the rat pack the no the pink bunnies he was in the in greece he was in travolta's gang oh okay yeah yeah yeah grease and like had lines and was it and all the musical numbers. And, hey, Danny, you know, where's the hopscotch game tonight at the fucking, you know. I love you, Sandy. Yeah, yeah.

He was one of his buddies. And so, you know, I had the musicals all through high school. I feel like I have some sort of experience and knowledge in this field. But I'm a freshman and I'm ensemble, but I got a lot to do. And I'm also thinking like, oh, I'm in comedy, even though I'm doing this. But, like, I've got a comedy background. A lot of these people are just musical theater people who may think they're funny. But I'm like, I've done stand-up 10 times.

Wow. I think I know what I'm doing. So I'm like, I had the audacity to, uh, to volunteer some suggestions in some moments to go, like, not, not, um, in a pretentious way. Just like, hey, wouldn't it be like, I thought it would be funny. And I was like, now, fuck it. Say it. What's the worst he's going to do? Say no.

Also think you're an idiot. So at one point, there's a trap door and they would have these, like, pirate dancers. That's not right. There was a trap door where people would come out of, for one of the scenes. Yeah. Oh yeah There was like a toy A girl was like

There was a trapdoor with actors Yeah and they would come out of it So at one point I go Hey you know what it would be funny is when the actors Who were supposed to come out Come out of the trap door Yeah Then I come out

Just wearing street clothes at the very end And just go Oh fuck And then just like walk off stage And say something about like time travel or something And then walk off stage like in street clothes Not in the costumes Oh it's all these girls dressed as pirates

They were well whatever he said to you that was bad i'm going to double it because just hearing that it's horrible so what did he say he just stared at me he didn't even say like i'm doing right now i finished my suggestion and it's i mean you know it's horrible when a parent doesn't yell you but they say i'm disappointed yeah he went the the kill him with silence good that's a good teacher yeah he just stared at me and then i go horrible so and then i went so you know or we don't you know but i anyway i just thought of it And then he just stared for a couple more seconds

And then he walked away He should have gone I was in Greece motherfucker Okay Don't be telling me no trapdoor shenanigans I was some motherfucking grease with Sandy Who's Sandy Okay enough with that

Let's get back to who else did you see plowing Even you going off on that story was a bad idea That whole thing The whole actor's trapdoor Even just telling it is horrible Yeah, it was a bad, you know. I mean, that's almost, don't ever do that again. I'm like you're now, and I feel like your teacher,

but I'm ready to just silently walk away. It's kind of a metaphor for, just don't ever bring that up again in any way, shape, or form. It's not a good icebreaker. It's a dud no matter how you, however you try to shape it. Wow. So I saw the parents, the mom and stepdad. You saw my parents.

Yeah. My parents. Oh, you said the parents. Yeah, yeah. Well, I thought you, when you said the parents, I thought you meant mine. Are the parents, your parents? Well, that's how I took it. And I'm like, God, I haven't even seen my parents do it.

Aren't you lucky? Yeah, it was. So you saw your parents? Yeah, mom and stepdad. Oh, God. Yeah, not good. Heard it, saw it. But very brief.

It was like, door was cracked. I heard some screaming. Oh. I was like, who's hitting who. Yeah. No, it wasn't that. It was who's. Who's Zoom and who?

Isn't that a song? Who's Zooming who? Yeah. Who's Zooming who? Not an old 80s like song by like, who was referring to fucking is zooming. I don't know. But isn't that. All I want to do is zoom a zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, and a boom, boom, boom.

No, it's like, who's zoom in who? It's like a Janet Jackson song or something or the Aretha sisters or something. the uretha the ureth the ureth atract the ureth resistors yeah the ureth they're a real piss up yeah don't get areth franklin and the ureth resistors next up yeah yeah don't do that um so was that trauma time how old were you yeah 21 so you're a full-grown man thank you and you see your your parents zooming yeah did you see skin was there nudity yet no they no they actually And this is just, you know, old school, but they would wear full parkas and then cut little holes where the genitals are. Eskimos sacks.

Yeah. And did the dad make any comment? Oh, Klondike bars. Yeah, no, he, no, I mean, they didn't see me, see them. You should have pushed the door in and said, hey, can you guys give me five minutes? Just turned it around. I got to get my shoes. I got to get your shoes.

Yeah, it was traumatic. Wow. Because you just, I mean, you know, hey, you, I think you want your. to think that your parents are still enjoying each other? Yeah. Right? Or do you not? I don't know.

I don't know. It's weird. It's like, it's like, you know how they have the Hubble telescope? Yeah. And they keep every year, it's like they go further and further and further back into the universe. And they keep saying pretty soon we'll be able to see how the, when the universe was born. And seeing your parents have sex, you're really watching how you were made. Yeah.

And that's. So you, it's like a hubble. It's like a hobbling experience. Wow. Well, I'll never bring that up again, by the... Too soon. Way too soon. Here's something that, speaking of the universe.

You're American, right, buddy? Sure. This is something a little more serious. Yeah, yeah. Will America cease to exist someday? I mean, will it just stop this country, the freedom, the life that we know. I mean, it's happened to other societies.

Could it just stop here? Well, it's happened, I mean, in Germany, it's happened to the Greeks, the Incas, the Egyptians. I mean, things change, governments change. People are overthrown. People evolve. I mean, one day, it's possible that it could happen here. If it does, what's the catalyst for that?

I don't, I, uh, I don't foresee anything crazy like another Holocaust happening. Okay. Um, stay with me. Yeah. Uh, but I do think that the, um, and not that it's social media's, uh, fault, but I think there's just the way things are going as far as, uh, a lot of confusion and, uh, detachment from people supporting one way of ruling or thinking and

and the amounts of random acts of violence and not feeling safe anywhere it's just to me feels like it's I feel like we're just losing control and even the government is losing control and so I don't know if it's going to be in 20 or 30 years but it does it for the first time maybe it doesn't seem impossible to think of like

a large group assembling and just taking shit over. It's interesting you said all that because that's exactly what spawned the question is, you know, I've been, I think I've been feeling that. I think a lot of people have been feeling that that segments of society feels like kind of spiraling out of control or the government doesn't really have a handle on it or people are lying about it. And we're focusing on so many things that aren't related to what we should be focusing on. So I feel like the further we pull away from getting together and being like, all right, I know fucking I don't agree about everything what you're doing and you don't agree and maybe I hate you and maybe, you know, maybe sure, I stared at your beef titties during that meeting and I know like you caught me and it was weird.

But we both care about kids and learning and getting these teachers paid more. So let's just figure that. Let's put all that shit aside and figure out. Like that there's no way that that it's crazy to think that that's so far from a reality because of just all. the other book because focusing on the but you stared at that at her beef titties in that meeting yeah yeah but it was once and i'm actually i'm actually gay so i don't know why i looked what yeah yeah so you don't like her beef titties it's like yeah i mean i'm exaggerating but it's like those are the things that are being focused on those types of things yeah and that's why it's thinking things longer to get

done and then and um also the things that people yeah yeah it feels to me too a lot of like it's that whole, the whole, the same road that Rome went down. Yeah. Where it seems like criminals are getting away with a lot more now. There's lawyers that are learning how to loophole the legal system and people that are clearly... Look at this Jody area shit. She might get off of that. Yeah, Jody areas.

That's bananas. Yeah, and OJ and the girl that killed her little daughter down in Florida, like, I forget her name. Haley Joe Osmond. Yeah. Is that Haley Joel Osmond? It's not the guy from I see. dead people? Yeah.

Wrong name. It felt like it fits, though. It did feel like it fits. It feels like it fits. Let's go with that. Haley Joe Osmond, Haley Mills. Haley Mills.

Parent Trap, twins. Twins. Yeah, no. Those fit. Gum commercials. Oh, sticky. That was the greatest slash quickest game of match word or match play. Word association.

Yeah. It was good. But I think. Yeah, you're, yeah, you're... It feels like it could dissolve. Like, the society that we know, you start to see the fracture lines in it, and you start to go, man, is the day coming when all this stuff ain't going to exist where people do not have faith in the government?

Like, look at the gun control thing that just failed, you know. Yet all those kids killed, the tail hook thing. That is if you need a bigger example or a reason to go, okay. Yeah, stuff is going to change. Like even the president went all the way, everything's going to change. And then all this bickering happens and they vote against it. And nothing changes. And you start to go, wow, things are really being decided for the wrong reasons.

Like when you stop protecting your own children from excess of guns and gun death and you're fighting in the other direction, you start to go, man, what else is heading south here? Oh, yeah. And I mean, that's not a small thing to start from either. gun. I mean, five-year-old just killed a two-year-old. Did you hear about this? I did, yeah. And I think it was the grandparents that were just like, well, it was your time to go. She's in a better place. Wow. Because they're so pro. There's no reason to not have a gun. And there's a child safe. I mean, she's in a better place. Wow. What's what was happening in her two-year-old life that was so awful other than being your granddaughter? Yeah, she's in a better place smeared all over the wall.

You know what's crazy, too, is that, like, I did this show a few weeks ago and met this guy afterwards, and he told me that he was so happy for the show and to be out. He just got in a prison and for why he went to prison for carjacking. But he was joyriding, he said. He said, you know, went joyriding, and he was like, and it was stupid. He goes, but I didn't hurt anybody. Didn't do whatever. You know, we had taken the car, but they went joyriding and then, like, got out and left it somewhere.

But he stole the car? He said joyriding. Okay. But I guess, but I'm like, but that's what I said. I go, but you took the car and went joy riding. Yeah, right, right. And he forgot that part. Yeah.

Yeah. I was like, okay. It's like, yeah, you murdered someone, but you threw the gun in the river. Yeah. Okay, buddy. We get you. Yeah. And so then he goes, but the, uh, the guy, uh, who's car he stole, um, uh, didn't want to press charges because he was like, uh, they can only,

put you in jail. He went to jail for eight years and it just got now two weeks ago and he goes but if the person who you take the car from feels fear then they can that's they can use that to put you away and the guy was like nah it wasn't actually him it was the other guy that actually was whatever

but then the lawyers now feel like their job is being called into question so like no no no no this guy was a part of it too you're not so you just let him go so they they pulled all some shit and used the whole fear thing and even the guy who again whose car was was like no this guy's not he's not him he's not a big and they fucking the lawyers were like no no no he's part of it and they

locked them up for eight years and he was like tell me about prison crazy shit and then i was like what was the first thing you did now i'm just like super curious like eight years like for for that yeah and uh and i was like what was the first thing you did like did you know did you go like rub one one out and he was like oh i went and saw my family i was like oh yeah i mean that's yeah that probably do that too and then he said he went to denny's was the first thing he did which makes a lot of sense because you wait rub one out you mean masturbate yeah so you

asked a hardened criminal if the day he got out of jail he masturbated what was that thing you said earlier about obviously you're going to see a guy masturbate in college wow

you're just way too casual about masturbation if you start doing it now the podcast ends okay it shouldn't be that casual don't tell me that's why America's going to shut down. Do you really have a one masturbate during a podcast in your out rule?

Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes. Well, you know what? There are no rubber aprons in this room right now. What if I wear a glove? If you sing beat it while you do it, okay.

And it's got to be a glittery glove. And you have to moonwalk while you do it. Yeah. You're acting like that wasn't going to happen. Okay. Then I'm good with that. All right. Well, this leads us to the game.

We're going to do the game early. You're going to love this game. I could go down that path for a while, by the way. The whole is America about to crumble. Oh, you could? Do you have some more you want to add? I just don't talk about it too much. And I'm very, it's an intriguing.

I mean, I guess I use that reference from the guy getting out of prison. Yeah. Because just the idea that he went away for something like that that was so. But that's his story. I have a feel something. It's always the guys in prison that always claim they're innocent. I just took the car joyriding. Yeah. Really for eight years?

Yeah, no, there's more to that. And you know what? If he was part, see, that's what I'm talking about. If he was part of that, if there was a car stolen, and just the fact that he was in it, that makes him an accessory. Go to jail, dude. Yeah. I don't have sympathy for people that break the law like that. Yeah.

I don't. I don't. It's like, that's what I'm worried about. Like, we're just talking of Jody Arias and all these other people. It's like they're finding ways to get off. I didn't mean it like that Well hey Well no

Is that just because I was putting the glove on And starting to get ready to moonwalk I didn't mean it like that way The way you've been meaning it When I say get off I mean get off of a crime Hey To each his own

Too soon Did now do you Jody the whole Jory areas thing too Is that that puts the fear of God in me That like a girl who Who played him so well As far as like Seemed like everything

was great and loving and then just flipped on a dime. Yeah. Like that kind of scares me and as if I'm already like timid to jump back into a relationship at this point in my life. But shit, man. I guess everyone's got a bat shit crazy switch in them, you know? But here's the thing. I think one of the things that plays into what we're talking about is society is changing

the rules. Society is making it so that people can get away with stuff more. Yeah. Yeah. society is presenting us with more and more violent shows like the CSI stuff and dramatizing everything and it's the theater everything yeah I mean the guy who ate the face of the Miami guy I mean it was it's crazy but but I think when you see stuff playing out in a court of law now and people are seeing that A they get to become famous and B they also get

off of the of the crime I think people have it in their heads that these heinous crimes are just kind of like a lark now. Like it's oh, it's a fight that went bad. Yeah, he ended up in the shower with his throat slit, but, you know, it was his fault. He pushed my buttons. He's, you know,

and that's what's scary. That's the way society's heading, it's starting to feel like people can get away with stuff. Like, it's a different country, but in South Africa, that Olympian with no legs, you know, he shot his girlfriend through the bathroom door,

right now he's out on bail and he's claiming he thought there was an intruder in the house and it's just like wow to be a contestant on Jeopardy. Yeah, either that or they're going to sell his legs at the antique road show either way he's going to benefit

you know. It's the first time too that I watch movies like when we went and saw Oblivion and I saw a preview for After Earth. Yeah. And the first time when I watch a movie like that and I'm like, oh shit, all right. This might be like an incident.

side look into like what it could be like actually. Yeah. And then I start actually really taking a, you know, a vested interest in do I want Will Smith's kid to be the one that's fucking saving us? Yeah, right. That's a racist thing. It's just a...

No, that's not racist. It's a preference of like, you know, I've seen his music. It's not that great. Yeah. If we're going to have a young child pop star that's the son of somebody famous, hey, maybe fucking, you know, you know, you know. there really is no one else Raven Simone, I don't know

No, so it looks like it will be Will Smith's shit Because neither of us came up with an answer So it will, Will Smith's kid Will be the one who rejuvenates the earth Don't you think we're also giving the aliens a lot of like We're basically making it known that Will Smith or Tom Cruise Are going to be the ones who lead the charge When we fight if they do come down

But it's like, if they're like, okay, cool, we'll just wait 40, more years until Will Smith is 80 and then we'll attack. Because we've made it clear that those are our choices. Yeah. But I think you know, 80, Will Smith, 80, Tom Cruise 80, 80. 80's old, but you put the two of them together.

Yeah, you're right. That cuts it back down to 40. Oh, okay. And they kicked the aliens' asses. Okay. All right. Well, interesting stuff, buddy. Yeah. Very interesting stuff. I've been thinking about Will Smith's kid for a while now, so I just needed a forum to talk about them.

appropriately. Great, great. Masturbation. Fuck Steve. Sharks. Fuck Steve and Wilson's kid. Which leads us to, I promised, uh, the listeners a brand new game. And, uh, this is, this is, I tailored this just for you. Awesome.

One of Adam's favorite sayings and you probably caught one earlier in the podcast. He likes to say too soon. That's like, that's like your, that's like your line, dude. I do. Too soon. I say mostly when I'm around you, but I... Oh, I hear it everywhere. I hear you say it on stage. I hear you...

No. So this game is called too soon or not too soon. Love it. And what I do is I give you scenarios and you have to guess are they too soon or not too soon. Are you ready? You've got six questions. Guess or determine if they're too soon? Determine.

Okay. Yeah. Good. Thank you. Sure. Here it is. Here's number one. Hey, Ronald Reagan, put your arm down. I can see your bullet hole. Too soon or not too soon? Not too soon.

Oh, okay. Right. That is correct. Not too soon. That is correct. That is correct. So there are right or wrong answers. Oh, of course. Okay, good. I figured if anyone knew them, it would be you. Are you ready for number two?

Yes. Hey, OJ, you think I could leave my kids with you while I go to the mall? Too soon or not too soon? Come on, man. Too soon. Oh, nice. Too soon. Yeah.

Is that right? Absolutely. Two for two. Wow. Too soon for too soon. This one's a toughie. This one's a toughie. Number three, are you ready?

Yeah. Hey, Japan, can I offer you some cream of mushroom cloud soup? Too soon or not too soon? You know, normally I'd say too soon just because I don't think you should say Japan and cream of mushroom soup. No, cream of mushroom cloud soup. Yeah, I think that's not too soon. Not too soon. That is correct.

There we go. Three for three. I'm feeling good about my odds for the next three here. Hey, don't get cocky. Okay, number four, this one's very tough. They get tougher as they go along. Number four, hey, Mel Gibson, your rabbi is at the door. Too soon or not too soon?

Way too soon, because his rabbi just, his rabbi just got caught in some fuck Steve shark sex pool accidents. Wow. You are right again. I'm reading up on the blog. and the... Wow. This one's very current. So this, you know, this could be too soon, obviously, or maybe not.

Let's see. This is a bit of a trick one. Reese Witherspoon, do you know who I am? Well, you're about to find out, I'm Batman. Too soon or not too soon? Well, I'd say too soon because you're releasing the fact that she is the new Batman. So in that regard, I'd say too soon. Yeah.

But not too soon because it sounds like she's got a pretty dirty, hoarish mouth on her. You almost didn't get it, but then right at the end by saying that, you got it. You tied it back together. And number six, are you ready? We've all said, do you know who I am, though, right? I mean, like, I've been in line at Subway, and the guy's like, hey, that's going to be extra for avocado. I go, did you see episode two of season eight of according to Jim? He goes, I'm sorry?

I go, yeah, never mind. I'll pay for that. Oh, really? That's your line, huh? I do the Batman one. Do you really? Yeah. Excuse me, do you know who I am?

No. I'm Batman. In what sort of scenarios? You know. You know. You know. Just anything. All right, buddy.

You're doing great. You're five out of six. Not bad. You're doing. great. I haven't been five out of six since the sweatpants competition of 1998. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it was the thing where they had Jewish fat kids to wear sweatpants,

and then they had to moonwalk while masturbating. Too soon. Too soon. And that's not part of the game. That's just me saying way too soon. Okay. There we go. The final question in, too soon or not too soon?

Ready? Question number six Bring it Hey Jesus Can you move your cross please It's blocking my son Too soon or not too soon You know what I've

I've gone back and forth on this one in the past But I think Considering Considering the current state of affairs With global warming And melanoma Yeah Not the skin cancer

The band That plays that opens for Mermaid pussy yeah um it's not too soon whoa whoa too soon

oh damn it oh dude dude you want to just for the record you want me to read it again and you yeah please please uh hey Jesus can you move your cross please it's blocking my son

too soon man oh yeah too soon he saves it He saves it at the end with a little... See, I'm your friend, buddy. Thank you, man. I'm looking out for you. Set me up to succeed. Perfect score.

First time the game's ever been played. Too soon or not too soon. Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Setting the bar high. Let's move on. If you could have sex with a cartoon character, who would it be? Goofy.

Next question. One of your... Wait, wait, wait, wait, no. Can you imagine having sex with goofy? And A, it's a dude. prove it yeah you're right that's my G spot

gosh you really give good cuddlingus too soon just broke up last week oh is that that other band they used to open for melanoma before sour pussy did it

or whatever what is it well in the sixth 60s, they were sour mermaid pussy. That's where I got confused. I'm older than you. Fair enough. Yeah, I actually saw them play. So goofy.

Yeah, I mean, that's... Those teeth are dangerous. He's got those big buck teeth. Yeah, no, you for sure don't get any sort of head from... So it's all like intercourse. Yeah, it's all, a lot of tantric stuff. You can hold on to those ears. That's the best part.

What about that little hat she wears? Do it goofy style? Oh, yeah. And I think... Why you're skiing off a mountain? And I think Goofy's a dog, so you can do it goofy dog style. You think I haven't thought about this? Wow.

Try ordering that in-and-out burger. They won't know what the fuck you're talking about. Your days of moonwalking and masturbating backwards are coming to an end. You're going to be doing a goofy doggy style while skiing with a cheeseburger in my pants. Right there. That's the spot. Don't stop, lover. Wow.

way too soon way too soon what's one of your fondest memories as a kid one of those those heartwarming like you know I don't mean to be grim but you're laying on your deathbed and you're going back over your life and you're just going to that soft warm spot and you're like man that that was

that summed it all up that was a time of innocence a time of warmth the time maybe family maybe not do you have a moment like that how young it doesn't doesn't matter like just whatever that moment was where it kind of you know encapsulates you know being being a great moment in your life as a kid that you think back on that you would like yeah if you're on your deathbed you think or if it's a it's a gloomy day and you want to think of something positive to remind yourself it's just it's one of those things where you're like the

world was safe it was a great moment there was nothing negative as a joyful warm whatever the the mood was but it was a great moment what is what is one of those Bond memories. I'd say, Wow. Used to in seventh grade would go with some friends

in the last day of school and we'd take water balloons and stink bombs. Yeah. And we'd go down to the elementary school that we had just graduated from because it went from kindergarten to sixth grade. Okay. Sorry, first grade to sixth grade. Yeah. And then seventh grade was

this was the first year now where in middle school seventh and eighth grade so we go back to the elementary school say hi to some of the teachers see the bus drivers we get on some of the buses with stink bombs and water balloons yeah and and we go hey we walk down we go hey can we get we get on the bus that takes us back up to where we actually live and we know the bus driver's like yeah no problem and we're with all these you know fifth and sixth graders and all these kids are still in elementary school and we we drop about 15 stink bombs oh and then get off the bus and And watch those ones that you step on the glass.

Yeah. And it just smells like rotten eggs. Oh, they're the worst. And it lasts for hours. And all sorts of just stinky pop tarts and last for hours. And we would get off the bus and see all the windows just drop. And every kid stick their face out the window and start screaming. And that was great.

So that's like a sentimental moment that takes you back to the time when you were just punks running around. Yeah, there was a care in the world. And then in those same days, we would go. go play basketball for hours and we would go to the lake and jump in and not have any responsibilities. Yeah. Isn't that great? Aren't those moments great? No responsibilities.

And also the wherewithal to know that responsibilities are still much further down the line. Yeah. Because you're 7th grade, you're like, yeah, I've still got high school. But even in high school, I just don't have to think about getting a job yet. Yeah. Do you find those moments as an adult are hard to find, hard to find, or even not so much hard to find, but hard to realize you might even be in them. Yeah.

Like those kind of sentimental moments where you're spending time with a friend or you're doing something and you just stop you and go, this is really nice. This is a really warm, sentimental moment or something like that. Yeah, I mean, you definitely don't stop to appreciate those as much. Yeah. I mean, it depends on your life still, though, and what you're, I mean, you know, if you're just consumed with working all.

the time but like yeah i i think i and this goes on the point of uh i think making time to do that stuff like i you know they say like yeah you know make time to go on hikes and do this and do that type of stuff to like you know separate and i feel like i do a lot of that quite honestly like on the road like that's when i because then i'm away from la and away from god oh you're still working yeah that's when i'll take time to really pull up nudie picks of goofy and really just just lock my door to the holiday in Put the do not disturb sign on my dick And stand in front of the door

Because then they really get the picture that like Yeah there's something going on in there I'm not going to knock Did you ever put the do not disturb sign on backwards by mistake And next thing you know there's a maid helping you out Which might not be a bad idea So maybe so that it's reading disturb No it's reading please clean this john

A room Is that what it says? Clean this room. Sorry. You know what does it for me As a Catholic guy? Yeah. Putting up the Christmas tree every year.

Like going and buying a Christmas tree. Great call. Putting it up. Trimming it, putting the lights on. It's just, you know, out of all the stuff, it's therapeutic, it's sentimental. It's the smell. It's the touch.

With a Christmas tree, you get so many. Years of memories. Fletting back. Anything that gets instant memories to flood. back is always a great thing. Whether it's a song or you're in a place with somebody where, you know, that you've, you know, yeah. And also I think Christmas is bigger than anything else in your life. It's bigger than your promotion at work. It's bigger than the politics at work. It's bigger than what's on the news. It's one of the few things that everybody will allow to be bigger than. Yeah. And for every. And the what is it? It's really kind of mind-blowing that's take something like that for one time of year where, not saying everybody's happy because shitty stuff always happens and the news is still first to report like this kid on the way to opening their present got hit by a snowball sure yeah it doesn't stop everything beagle jizz or something and you know but a lot of it's it's

you know it's a giant cloud of awesome that just it's a moment yeah it's it's like after you've done the tree you stand back and look and nothing else matters you don't think about you go look of that tree. After you put the and when you plug in the lights you go look at those lights and just for those few moments everything else vanishes. Totally. And then maybe when you're sitting there at night and the lights

are on the tree and the rest of the room is dark and the room smells like the pine tree and you just it's the music. The Christmas music. That's the other enchantment of Christmas music. And there's so much. It's like at every evening. It's one time of year too when you're like

yeah, all right. Marike. Carrie. Yeah. How many renditions of jingle these bells? Yeah. It doesn't matter. Yeah, you'll listen to all of them because you're just so entranced with the whole feeling. Speaking as a Jew, too, love that whole time of year.

Yeah. I mean, I did both for a while. Oh, you did? My parents were together. Yeah. But I mean, I love it. Like, love when everything is decorated and out, especially out here all the lights on Hollywood Boulevard and everything. It's just like, because there is like this overwhelming collective feeling of just like you forget about maybe some other shit

because you're just like you succumb to the the symbolism of whatever it is that's... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Like what you said, that it's bigger than everything else, that you're maybe not as consumed with... What about the Jews getting rid of the...

Tucson, Tucson. Yeah. Getting rid of the... The Germans. I think it went down a little differently. No, what about the Jews? Jews getting rid of what is the thing with the grocery list no the the eight candles what what is that called yeah honica well no but what is it actual that little thing with the

menorah the menorah yeah what about getting rid of that because it's kind of you know it's it's kind of like a candle stand sure and the Jews come up with their own tree like we have the pine tree maybe the jews have an oak tree or a birch tree completely 100% down for this there's the a citrus tree yeah who doesn't want fucking taste tasty fruits coming from your fresh produce holiday basket you don't even have to decorate you don't have to put bulbs on the tree because you can just

you already have apples or oranges they're round sure or the Jewish palm tree yeah I mean a lot of Jews live near palm trees yeah Florida Loderdale yeah so maybe there's a Hanukkah bush that's been oh what's that

well some people have tried to it's that ship is I think sunk and sailed a bush fuck Steve he won't even get on that ship it's well you can't get on the ship they shark bit his legs off remember he got his leg off before it fucked him

too soon too soon all right here we go we're wrapping it up with a quickie we always have one quickie question it's a yes or no answer quickie Adam Ray do blind people who read braille know what speed bumps say

no correct ladies and gentlemen Adam Ray Adam plug that movie plug your podcast this is your moment to tell the folks where they can hear you see you reach out to you thanks buddy you can find me on uh twitter at at adam ray comedy you can find uh my website with all my stand dates and my um my my sketch comedy videos at adam ray tv.com my podcast is about last night that i do uh do with a um comedian friend of mine uh who happens to be a dwarf yeah yeah

His name's Brad Williams. The podcast is called About last night. He doesn't have to worry about getting eaten by a shark. He doesn't. Because he's already a half. Too soon? He just made up a new slang for dwarfs. A half?

Well, yeah. A havesie? Is that too soon? No, it's not too soon. Okay. We're talking about doing a video where we put him in a Chuck Echise ball pit and have him wear a GoPro camera and pop out and scare kids. Wow.

Too soon. And the movie comes out end of June. June 28th, the heat. So go see it. Well, hey, let's, why don't I play a little bit of the trailer here and people can kind of start to hear it and let's roll it. Sir, I don't understand. I've closed more cases than any agent here.

You are a solid agent, but you're not a team player. None of the other agents like you. Wait for my three count. One, two. Unbelievable. You got a situation in Boston. ending you up. FBI.

We recently got intel that you brought in a dealer, Terrell Ross. Hey, look who's here. Detective Mullis is back to lunch here. I'm sure he won't mind. Well, he's a she. Oh, it's on! She's crazy. I'm special agent, Sarah Ashburn.

Are you about to be interrogated by an officer? I am an officer, and that's my perm. Could you just close the door on the way up? I'll shut the door on you. Will you lay down here? Put your head in the door? And I'll slam it about 100. 57,000 times.

Oh, girl, you better run. I'm going to make you bend over, and I'm going to reach you up into your pocket and get the keys to your house. And then I'm going to drive there and stab you with your own badge. That's what I'm going to do. Let's loosen that up.

Surprise. Come on, man. Get out, bull in China shop. What part of out do you not understand? You want to go out? We'll take you out. I can't hold you. All right, let's pull them up. Come on.

No, wait. I'm not getting anywhere, really. I can't lift him up. He's not all right, right? The metal car broke his fault? That was pretty awesome. You are killing us out there. federal agent what are those there's spanks they just hold

everything together why what's going to come popping out support Adam ray support his acting career and dude by the way very proud of you very excited for you to be in this big huge movie congratulations

let's hope it comes out and my scenes are still in there they'll be there and also folks as you know I've started airing of the crazy new stunt show called for slang oh yeah look for adam ray to be uh appearing in one of the upcoming for slang episodes it's it's a good one trust me it's a stunt you do not want to try at home but it's a good one of them you do but none of them you can't especially is oh this one especially i don't know how we pulled it off good but you know you have to let shlang yeah it's flishang you got to fish lang it what are you going to not do it got to do it uh

Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, check them out. Buddy, thanks for being on the show. Always the best. It's the best show to be on. Great, great to have you here. We appreciate you dropping by. I'm Harlan Williams. You are listening or have been listening to the Harlan Highway.

And as always, until next time, everybody, go see the heat with Adam Ray. It's a cool if I moonwalk out of here? Yeah, moon, your gloves right there on the table. Thank you. Chicken. Chalman, baby. Can I get a chee-hee? Chee.

she was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene I said don't mind but what do you mean I am the one who would dance on the floor and around she said I am the one who dance on the floor and around with belly jean as she cost us soon then heavy head turned with the ice to dream we're being the one who would dance on the floor