The Harland Highway - 496 Harland goes BACK IN TIME! Also, Aunt Ruthie calls in.

Episode Date: May 30, 2013

Harland turns into a kid again and writes a POEM about the whole amazing experience. Aunt Ruthie calls in from her cell phone, and there's a shortage on toilet paper and wiping options are getting desperate. Slippery slop sauce!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm singing in my podcast, just singing in my podcast. And I don't know why. If I sang the whole podcast, wait a minute, there's an idea. Ooh, maybe I'll sing a podcast one of these days. The whole thing, you're like, you lost me, Mr. Williams. And I am Mr. Williams. Harlan Williams here. You are on the Harlan Highway podcast.

Welcome. Thank you for being here. Tell your friends. Don't hog it to yourself, because today, oh, we're going to be talking about, you ever see the movie Big with Tom Hanks or he becomes a kid again? Guess what? That happened to me. That happened to me, and I hope it happens to you because it was a great experience.

We're going to talk about me actually a full-grown man turning into a kid and what a refreshing and wonderful experience it was to do. Also, we're going to talk about something. something very deadly. Have you ever run out of toilet paper? Well, how about this? A whole country has run out of toilet paper. What a mess. Way to hear about that. Also, my aunt Ruthie is calling in. She doesn't know how to use her cell phone and drive at the same time. She is a disaster waiting to happen. Unbelievable. And then a phone call from one of the pavement pounders where we discuss Adam Carolla right here on the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway All right, let's get this sucker going, huh? You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.

Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes.

Hi, this is Harland. I'm not available right now, so please leave me a message, and I will get right back to you. Thanks. Hello? Hello. Holland. Is that you? Hello. Oh, and hi, Holland. It's Sam Ruthie calling from Rochester, New York, and I can't wait to talk to you. I don't, is this you or is this your answering machine? I can't, I don't know, these swell phones, whatever they're called. Listen, I'm driving, Holland. I was driving down to the grocery store to pick up some onions and some Spanish. onions, or if you want to call the Mexican onions, Mexican-American onions, whatever they could. There's my inhale. I could try. I just dropped some phlegm on my lap. Anyways, Holland, I was driving down to the store to pick up a Mexican-American onion,

and all of a sudden a giant bird shit landed right off my front window, and I can't see. I keep my windshield wipers are broken And there's a big Christ in heaven Bird shit on my window It looks like a fried egg It's all white around the edges And it's kind of yellow in the middle Just like a delicious fried egg from Denny's

A great big... Okay, now somebody's honking at me Excuse me I've got a fried egg on my window Hello I'm a senior citizen I've got a wheelchair pass on my rearview mirror, and I got a fried egg shit on my window, okay?

I believe him. I'll never forget, Harlem, remember when you were just a little boy? Remember, I took you to Denny's for your ninth birthday, because they had, if you're having a birthday, and you go into the Denny's, they give you your meal for free. Do you remember that? And I went in, and we brought 28 of my girlfriends from the Bingo Hall, and we all ate for free, and they were so... furious they were as if old ladies don't have the right to eat and they accused me of using you

on your nice little birthday with your hair all combed down and your little secly face they accused me of using you to get free food for me and all my girlfriends and you know agnes so fat she was she had about 12 full moon over my hammies i mean that fucking pink can just eat like a goddamn piece of Okay, you know what? I'm talking to my nephew, okay? It was just, okay, listen to this. Here they go. I'm talking to my nephew about his ninth birthday.

There's a fried egg shit on my window. I'm getting accused by Denny's for a full moon over my hammy scam. And all I want to do is get down to the market by a Spanish-American onion for Christ. sake. Oh, Holland, this is just, I don't know what to do. How can you call me, please? Please call me and tell me how I scrape this giant taradacto shit off my window. It's like a fucking ostrich flew over my car and had fucking diarrhea. You didn't hear me use the D word, Holland. You know, I don't like to use the bad language, but this is like a shitstorm all over my window. Like I drove my car through an Arizona

shit storm. Okay. You know what over there? You with the fucked up teeth? That's right. Okay. I drove to an ostrich diarrhea shit storm. Okay, Holland, I've got to go. This jackass is fucking making me steamed up

man. Call me, baby. At Ruthie loves you. Goodbye, doll. I'm sitting here in a fucking ostrich shitstorm, dog. Bye, baby. Wow, Aunt Ruthie. Good Lord.

Oh, relatives. What are you going to do? Relatives. We all have them. We all have them. We all got to deal with them. Wow. All right.

I hope she's okay. Sorry I missed that call, Ruthie. Speaking of Aunt Ruthie, and I got nothing. There's no segue from Aunt Ruthie and anything else. It's just, she's such a freak. I just got to leave that one right there, I think. I want to segue into a story, though,

that was kind of nice. I was out and about. I was visiting another city. I was up in San Jose, California. recently and i stayed at this hotel really nice hotel and from my hotel window it looked right down onto a park and in that park right in the middle of the park there was this big kind of uh flat area and it was full of uh concrete tiles gray concrete tiles and uh we're talking about a pretty pretty big area probably the I don't know the dimensions of let's say half the size of an ice rink

now not that big maybe like a quarter of the size of an ice rink from the blue line down to the goalie net how about that and in this area there was just a flat bunch of tiles on the ground but but coming up from under the tile were water spouts there was some kind of fountain system underneath the tile they cut holes in the tile and water was squirting up

and there was about 22 different spouts squirting up and I'd say they shot maybe about nine feet into the air and you know they were frothy and bubbly and splashing

everywhere and in and about the These water spouts or geysers or whatever you want to call them were a bunch of kids, a bunch of little kids from like, you know, there were kids that looked like, I mean, there were babies around it. There were kids that were three years old. There were kids that were like seven years old. There were kids that were 12 years old.

There's even a couple of young teens. And I went down, I went down, I sat in the park, and I just watched. And I watched all these children playing. And here, here's some of the sounds. Here's what it sounded like. And as you can hear, laughter, screaming, thrills. And it was such an enjoyable experience sitting here watching these kids. And to know that this was just such a simple thing, water squirting out of the ground.

And these kids were so happy and full of joy. and laughing and giggling. And they were so preoccupied with such a simple thing. And the water didn't do anything. It just squirted right up, nine feet and came crashing down, but it was a constant, you know, blast of water. And the kids would sit on them and put their foot on them and run through them and slap at them

and weave in and out of them. try and splash each other and it was nice to see I'm so used to seeing kids like on their cell phones today or sitting in front of a computer or playing video games and there they were just being kids

doing what kids really what we all did as kids just finding amusement in the most simple things and spending hours just engaging in in that in that thing that we found and uh it was really nice to see and also um i also enjoyed that it was just free it was a simple thing out in the park in the middle of the community

people were sitting around on the benches watching the kids but there was no welcome to universal studios no welcome to Disneyland no welcome to knotsbury farm there was no admission price there was no hook there was no angle there was no advertising it was just water squirting out of the ground in the middle of a public park for free and people were gathered around and people were throwing balls for their dogs and some people even brought their dogs into the into the middle of the water and the dogs would be biting at the water spurting out and it was really and it was all cultures of kids it was white kids it was Asian kids it was uh Latino kids it was black kids it was everybody everybody who was just running around

in this water and uh enjoying themselves immensely and I was sitting there enjoying just watching I was like you know what this is amazing this is uh this is uh this is uh this is uh you know, just innocent and youthful and beautiful. And I loved watching the expressions on the kids. I liked seeing how they would behave. Some of them were aggressive. Some of them ran through the water spouts, smashed through them. Some of them were punching at them.

And then other kids were very trepidacious and would walk right up to them very slowly and be apprehensive about them. the water and a little nervous and then another little girl, just beautiful little girl in a, like a spring skirt, a little dress, covered with a pattern of turquoise flowers. And this cute little girl, she stayed in her dress, she, she had no shoes or socks on, and she was kind of dancing. she was twirling through the 22 water spouts

she wasn't running through them and getting wet but she was just weaving in and out of them twirling around her dress twirling around she's twirling around in circles and just a just lost in her own little world beautiful smile on her face just twirling around and the color of the dress and the pattern on it it was I don't know it's almost like

watching uh sometimes you see a movie and it was like a a nimb for a like a a fairy or something like just like swirling out of nowhere and it was almost mesmerizing to watch it was very just a beautiful moment and so uh i'm sitting there and i'm watching all this and i'm starting to think man i remember when i was a kid and i loved this kind of stuff and boy i wish i could get in there and do what they're doing and blah blah blah and then i started thinking about well why the hell am i saying this and i kind of looked around and i could see a lot of adults sitting around i'm like i can tell they were kind of yearning to get in there too and uh and it it made me uh just go you know what who cares how old i am who cares uh who i am what i do blah blah blah i'm just a human being like

those kids i'm an older version of those kids i was that kid once you know what i did i took my shoes and socks off rolled up my pants and i just ran right in there with those kids i got my uh my wife beater shirt on i got my uh my track pants on i got my baseball cap on and i'm just in i go man and I just step into that world. I step into that world with those kids. And, man, oh, man, was it fun? I just stayed in there for, I must have been in there half an hour, maybe an hour.

I just said, screw it, screw it. I don't care what anybody thinks. I'm going in, man. And it was a beautiful moving experience for me. And, you know what? It made me get poetic. And so if you'll indulge me here for just another minute or two, and then we'll move on,

I wrote a little poem about the experience. And let me read it. Let me read the poem and share my thoughts about that moment when I decided to become a little kid again. I saw some children playing, and I wondered where was I. each delighted scream and laugh made me think of days gone by they splashed in the public fountain cool water on their skin i sat there and i smiled and something stirred from deep within why was i on the sidelines watching all the fun while the children danced in frolic wet skin shining in the sun their eyes were full of wonder innocence and joy and here i sat a full-grown man, longing to be a little boy.

I wanted to be in there with them, jumping, splashing, running. Memories of my childhood inside my head were humming. A little girl and a flowered dress twirled through the spray. A tiny boy stared at the water and could not look away. They danced and dashed and kicked and crashed, and through my mind my boyhood flashed. And suddenly I was longing. to be back there again, just a little Harlan playing out there with them.

But I was old and they were young, and now my time was gone. I didn't fit in. I'm an adult now, and adults don't belong. And as I watched this moment so magical and free, I realized that the boy had never left and still lived inside of me. My shoes came off, my socks were gone, my pants rolled, up my spirit strong. I stood up from that park bench and strolled into the fray. The water all around me as I entered yesterday. And now I was among them, a child once again. I'd thrown off adulthood and gone around the bend. The fountain sprayed my clothes and drenched my aging skin. And yes,

I felt just like the boy, but one time I had been. I smiled and laughed and marveled as water dripped from my hair. I froliced amongst those children. I didn't have a care. Such a simple pleasure, such a marvelous find, to step into that frothy fountain and turn back the hands of time. And for the briefest moment, I shunned the rules that we've made. The man became a boy again.

And he went outside and played. There you go. Simple moment, simple thing, inspired the child within me. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item.

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I hope that someday you are confronted with that. In fact, maybe it steps into your life every day.

And it's a little reminder that, you know, don't be afraid to play. Don't be afraid to be that kid. Don't be afraid to act silly. and have fun and be damned the adults standing around judging because once you make that step

once you become the kid it doesn't matter you block all that out so don't be afraid to take your shoes off take your socks off and jump back in time and be a kid again

just like I am every time I do this podcast. Yeah, have you figured it out yet? All right. Well, there you go. Let's move on, man. This is a Harland Highway News Alert. Venezuela running out of toilet paper.

Yeah, that's the headline, man. Out of Venezuela, you know, it seems that that country runs dry on products and produce from time to time. And it looks like they've run out of toilet paper. People are lining up for toilet paper. Holy God. That's a little scary.

You kind of take toilet paper for granted, don't you? Gang? I mean, think about it. What would you do if you had no toilet paper? I mean, you would start improvise. Right? Suddenly, uh, that, that paper in your, in your, uh, in your, uh, printer would be missing. Hey man, I was going to print up my boarding pass. Where is it? Oh, sorry, man, I just flushed that about half an hour ago. You did what? Yeah, I had to wipe, so like, I had to use, like, the toilet paper in the, uh, printer.

Oh, Christ. Now that you mention it, I have to go. Is there any other paper around? Well, I got a nice poster on the wall of my bed. What kind? It's like a Star Trek poster. Are you telling me I'm going to have to wipe my bottom with Captain James T. Kirk's face? Yeah, and watch out for Spock because you got them point of ears and shit. Oh, Christ.

I mean, you'd have to start ripping wallpaper off your house. Oh, God, I got to go. Somebody stripped the living room. Oh, my God. I mean, I mean, What are you going to do? Oh my God, I got to go. Where's the paper?

I'm sorry, Alice. We've stripped the whole house. There's no paper left. Open your wallet. What for? Give me a $20 bill quickly. Now, that's an expensive wipe, Alice. Just give me the 20.

Oh, my God. You'd have to start using money. Can you imagine how trees would look? Oh, my, what a beautiful winter day. Um, it's not winter, dear. Well, there's no leaves on the trees. It must be winter. Yeah, we had diarrhea last week, remember?

Oh, my God. No, oh, my goodness. Oh, oh, Charles Nelson. Oh, diarrhea. Oh, ho, ho. I mean, where were the books go in your house? And now I would like to say grace, from the Holy Bible

Chapter 17 Corinthians versus 12 Where the hell is... What? Where the hell is the pages from my Bible? Whoops, sorry. David? Sorry.

I had to go. God made me go. I'm sorry. Don't blame me. God made me have to go. I mean, think of it. Cities would be stripped of their foliage. There'd be no leaves.

around anywhere? I mean, books, magazines, newspapers, billboards? What would people do? So forget about stockpiling your water and stockpiling canned goods. Forget about your guns. Forget about your loaded guns. Man, build a tool shed and fill it full of butt wipe, man. because who knows suddenly uh you know you're out of socks oh my feet are freezing where are all my socks

oh that's right oh i had to wipe oh oh and poor venezuela man i mean could it happen to a worse country i mean let's face it they got that kind of sassy spicy spicy south american cuisine in Kansas where it's just like meat and potatoes, comfort food. They got like salsa and hot sauce and they got chili peppers, red chito sauce. I mean, they're fired up down there, man. Maybe that's why they're out of toilet paper. These people are like little walking volcanoes.

They're all puckered up all day, man. Maybe they use double or triple the butt wipe we use. Maybe they got to change the old, uh, the old fancy fiesta diet. Weha, woo! Yeah! Ha! I mean, that's what they sound like when they go to the bathroom, isn't it? Yeha!

Boo! Yeah! Uh-huh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Wow. So, you know what? Don't take the little things for granted, gurgles and fernertle bluergens. um yeah the old butt wipe uh be careful and uh for god's sakes go out and buy a few slats full

forget about going to the uh corner store get down to like uh one of those bulk buy places rent a forklift and just drive like a couple of pallets home to your house stack them stack them the way they stacked the shelves at home depot just Jim what's that in your living room oh don't go in there that's my piles of toilet paper so there you go man you're planning a trip to Venezuela here's your packing list three pairs of socks four pairs of underpants three pairs of jeans two shirts and 19 rolls of butt wipe. Have a great trip.

See you next. Yeah, yeah, yeah, bra la la, psh, yeah! Yeah!

I was just calling because I'm a big fan of yours, and I listened to you on the Adam Carolla Podcast Network or his Ace Broadcasting, and I listen to your channel, obviously. And I just was curious if Adam is that hard to you off air. He seems to be a little rough with you, maybe jokingly, you know, maybe it's between you two. It's an inside joke. You guys are cool with it. But he always, you know, gives you a hard time about making bird noises. And so I just thought I'd ask and see what the story was with that.

If you both are kind of in on the joke, if you're just hamming it up a little, or if he really just gives you that hard of a time. But anyways, I'm a big fan of yours and Adams, so just would be interested in hearing about that. Thank you. And by the way, you're really funny, so keep it up. Thanks. Well, hey, now, thanks for the phone call.

And, yeah, me and Adam, we've been friends for a long time. I actually used to do Adam's show way back in the day when he did Loveline. And he had his own TV show, and we've been connected for a long time. And what happened with Adam is early on when I did one of his radio shows, I believe when he was over on CBS on terrestrial radio there for a number of years, when he took over for Howard Stern on CBS radio. One day I did his show and I did a bunch of bird noises, because you know me, I like to crack him out now and then.

You know, who doesn't like a good, but wake up in the morning, do a bird noise. Right? Clear the pipes out. So I did it once for Adam, and I guess he got a kick out of it, or he loved it, or he just thought I was a moron and thought I would look like a fool doing them, which I don't, right? So anyways, every time I'd go back to do Adam's shows, and I, you know, I'd do them, you know, three, four, five times a year as podcast or his radio show, whatever. he'd asked me to do the bird noises. And the first two or three times,

I was like, okay, fun, I love to do bird noises. But then I was like, every time I went back, he's like, do the bird noises. And then I started getting a little bit annoyed with it. And I'm like, let's switch gears here. Okay, we've covered the bird noise thing. Been there, done that. And so then I started doing them a little bit reluctantly.

And then I got to the point where I just told him, no he'd ask for them if you go listen to all the podcasts we've done together i've probably been on his podcast like 10 times or more um you'll see i start to dissent as we go along and i get to the point where i'm just like no i'm not doing the stupid bird calls we've done it we've burnt it out i'm bored with it the audience is bored with it but really are you who could be bored with that but i got sick of doing it so i just told him no And now he doesn't bug me. He still bugs me to do it, but I refuse.

I just, I say, no, I'm not doing it. I tell him right on the air. It's kind of like a, now that's become the thing. And yes, Adam does give me a hard time on the air, but, you know, Adam wouldn't have me on the show if he didn't like me. And it's a little bit of a patter between us. If you listen to the shows, I give it right back to them. I give them back the jazz.

and on some shows it probably sounds like he's horned me more than I'm horned him, but on other shows, it sounds like I'm horned him more. So, you know, it's kind of a give and take, and we kind of do it to have fun. Adam and I are friends. He comes up to my house to watch UFC and hang out, and I've been to his house for Super Bowl, and we're not like daily day-to-day buddies, but we're friends. man i i consider adam a friend and uh and he's a he's a really good guy and we have a really uh nice

relationship so uh we do we do jab each other on the air it's just kind of for fun because you know it's the kind of place when you're when you're on a talk show or a radio show it's like i do it with conan when i go on conan show or letterman or leno i kind of like tease each other and it's kind of a mutual respect thing i don't think Adam would poke at me if he didn't think I could come back at him. You know what I mean? And sometimes I'll just lay there and I'll go, you know what? I'm going to let Adam have this one. I'm going to let Adam get the laugh. It's like a sharing thing when you're doing comedy or when you're kind of being a team doing an interview or whatever. Sometimes you've got to know when to move in for the

kill and take over. And sometimes you just got to lay back and I'm going to let the host shine here. He got me. That was a good one. I could come back, but I'll come back on the next one. And so sometimes I play dumb. Sometimes I just let it wash over me. And other times I don't. So it's a bit of a dance.

It's a bit of a, it's not choreographed. It's not planned, but it's just a mutual respect thing. It's kind of a back and forth, and it's fun. It's almost like a verbal joust. You ever see those guys in the Olympics who put the, masks on their face and look like giant house flies. There's, you know, birds, flies, any flying thing I'll make the noise. There's a helicopter, not even a natural flying thing.

Okay, enough. But it's like those sword guys, you know, when you get on the air with Conan or Adam or Letterman or Leno or whoever, It's like a little sword dance. You go back and forth, you have fun, but you rarely put one right through the heart. It's poking and stabbing and jumping back and forth. And hopefully you can do it in a mutually respectful and fun way. And that's my thing with Adam.

Although I do refuse to do bird calls anymore in a show. Because, you know me, I just, you know, I like to move on, man. Keep it fresh. all right get out of here so there you go there you go and uh holy smokes speaking of keeping it fresh um how about this i think i told you guys i uh i have a sponsor now for a little while which is uh which is great and it's actually a product i like and i'm i'm gonna you know make a little bit of money for my podcast which just remember i haven't made a cent in four years okay um um I don't have sponsors.

I've never had a sponsor, and I always said I'd only have a sponsor if I thought it was cool. And this is a product that I actually own and like, and check it out. This is TiVo. Before TiVo watching TV was weirdly hard. You could only watch a show at a time at a certain time. And if you missed it or even part of it,

you had to wait for it and rerun. TiVo changed all of that. And while other DVRs exist, they're not as cool as TiVo, because if you have cable, TiVo let you watch your shows wherever you want. The TiVo scream, you can watch the TiVo scream, not scream. The TiVo scream, ah! The TiVo stream, you can watch on your iPad or all over your house. You can transfer your favorite recordings and take them with you.

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I think that's a cool product that we have in our technological world. So there you go. How about that? You've just been sponsored players. I just sponsored your asses. Oh, yeah. But like I said, I think it's something good. I wouldn't dump something on you that I didn't dig myself.

So there you go. What can I tell you? What else can I tell you, gang? Check out my website, my harlo-williams. site or go to my TiVo site um not TiVo what am i talking about my youtube site my new youtube site youtube backslash harland williams and join my subscribe to my youtube page we are doing every monday a new episode of fish slang it's pronounced fish slang it's a crazy new stunt show the most incredible stunts you have ever seen in your love

I mean, these are life-threatening, mind-bending stunts. Unreal. Don't try them at home. Fis-lang! And you are just going to go berserk for these things. So please check about, let's see, what was the last? I think we have the latest one, and it's called Drive-Thru Fly-Thru. and this time we go through a drive-thru like burger joint

and we order a crap ton of food, pay them the money. And before they can hand them the food, wait do you hear this, we burn their ass, we floor it and take off. We pay for all the food like 30, 40 bucks worth of food and take out. We don't even take the food. Unbelievable. What a stunt. Check out for slang.

Check out Harlow Williams. check out our store um the uh harland williams dot com store we have movies books CDs t-shirts everything you want right there um

join me on Twitter at harland Williams and uh if you do that you'll get uh fish lang will be sent to you at your Twitter account and you can watch it there uh I'm everywhere um

and uh That's it. If you're listening in Canada, my hometown of Canada, my new sitcom hits the airwaves on June 24th. It's a Monday. My new sitcom package deal. I know I announced it earlier this year, but they changed the release date. So now it's June 24th, Monday at 8.30 package deal. And it's going to be good.

I think the pilot episode is, wow, I don't even know what it is. but it's going to be good. So check it out, and that's it, man. That's all we got for today. Be good. Keep being a kid. Keep listening to the Harland Highway. Tell your friends.

And until next time, don't forget to wipe. Chicken, chow main, baby. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.