The Harland Highway - 497: POP TART pain, crazy songs and singing! And, Dr. Ascot!

Episode Date: June 3, 2013

Can POP TARTS hurt you? Oh yeahhh they can, a Pavement Pounder does the show opening, and a song that makes you chill... oh, and Dr. Ascot, yuuuuck. Blaze into a maze!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a show. What a show. What a wacky crazy show. Well, I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I'll let you guys decide. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Three big words in your life. Harland Highway podcast. I am the man, Harlan Williams, who brings you the grooviness. I'm your chauffeur. I'm your chauffeur. However you want to pronounce it. I'll get you. I'll get you to the other side of the road. I'll get you across the highway. What are we doing today? We're going to be talking about, have you ever donated to a charity or done something for a charity? I did a little something that made me happy inside.

I'm going to share it with you. How about your fingers? You ever burn your fingers on a breakfast treat? I bet you have. Wait, wait, where do you hear my tirade about this? because it pisses me off. And I have a feeling this same thing has happened to you, too, okay? Also, we're going to be discussing songs.

There's one song in particular that I just think has one of the most mellow lyrics in all of songwriting. And I'm going to play pieces of that song for you. It's going to be great. It's going to be mellow. It's going to be crazy. It's all happening here on the Harland Highway. Harlan, Justin, from Indianapolis, and I just, I want to introduce your show, so if I may, take a ride on the Hurland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh?

You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's time for the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? Ah! I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harlan Highway with Harlan Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead and I'll fold this place up and be home in time for corn break. to the Harland Highway. All right, let's get this sucker going, huh?

You're causing a major disturbance on my time. It's the Harland Highway. What's up, Bra? If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. This is your fucking wake-up call, man. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. In 30 seconds, you'll be dead. I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes. Hey, Harland, it's Justin in Indianapolis again. And I've got to tell you something.

You know how dumb I feel making that fucking call? And for some reason how nervous I got doing it that I started tripping over words and couldn't remember what voice to use. Like, how stupid is that that I'm calling a voicemail, not a live person, calling a voicemail and doing something silly like your theme there and got so nervous how it was like I was giving a speech in front of a fucking auditorium. I'm so lame. All right, dude, you rock, dude. Love the podcast.

Keep going. See it. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to let you beat yourself up, Justin. That was awesome. Are you kidding? I loved that. I loved it.

That was amazing. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time in your day to call the Harland Highway hotline, which is, by the way, 323739, 4330. That was great, man. That made my day. Thank you. Thank you so much. Don't be ashamed to yourself.

It's not easy. It's not easy doing this. It's incredibly hard. I went to DeVry for 14 and a half years to know how to do this. And I'm still going, taking night classes to stay fresh. But you know what, dude? You know what? I started a contest recently where I said people need to call in and explain to me why I should sing

a song to them over the when you wish upon a star theme why they should be rewarded and you know what dude for your efforts Justin for kicking ass

and doing that intro and making me laugh you just won yourself my friend you just won yourself this I just did my podcast jingle It really made my funny bone to know When just did my podcast jingle

His dreams So there you go, Justin, rewarded for taking a chance for going out there, A for effort, dude, even though effort starts with E. How about A for Apple Crisp, and then E for effort? So in case you didn't catch you to one of my earlier podcasts, I said, if you, if you can call in or, you know, leave me a message at 323-739-4-330 and give me a compelling reason why I should sing when you wish upon a star to you and customize it, then I would. And that's the contest. So call in and Justin didn't call in and make this part of the contest. He was just awarded that for being creative and taking a chance at the high school dance, man.

So a little bit of giving from Justin and a little receiving from me. Did that sound how I think it sounded? Ew. So get in on the contest if you want to, if you want me to serenade you. You know, just because you call in doesn't mean you get it. I got to be moved. I got to be, I got to be stimulated. I got to feel like you're worthy, okay, for me to croon to you,

to sing Jimny Cricket to you. So get it, get the calls going. 3-2-3-739-4-3-0. That includes you two ladies. We don't get enough lady callers in here. Get your asses on the phone lines. And speaking of given, I want to just take a moment, you know, life is

good to all of us and sometimes life isn't good to us sometimes things go wrong and people need our help and so every year I try to do some charity you know I try to do some charity events and

you know try and do some good for people that need help and it's always rewarding when you get a thank you from people and a few weeks back I did a show, a stand-up show, a charity show for a place called Laugh for Sight, which is a place for, you know, it's a charity for people with retinal degenerative eye disease.

And I guess that means that people slowly go blind, which is not good. And so I did this show and I went down to the improv and there was a room full of people having a laugh and they're there donating money for a good cause and there's a beautiful seeing eye dog that I fell in love with and my friend Brian uh hosted the thing and I just wanted to share with you real quickly uh the letter that uh I got sent by the folks at laugh for sight uh it said dear harland we wanted to thank you for donating your time to laugh for sight LA at the Hollywood improv uh you were tremendous Well, thank you guys.

I appreciate that. And they said the feedback from the audience and the sponsors was tremendous. And they said, you know, your generosity and talent was appreciated. And, you know, they kind of said I really went above them beyond with my performance. And not really. You know, guys, it's a pleasure. It's a good thing to help. God forbid, you know, any of us or anybody has to suffer through any type of ailment or sickness.

And then finally they said, once again, we really appreciate your support in helping laugh for sight, raise the much-needed awareness and funds for retinal-degenerative eye disease research. With your help, a cure is in sight. and best regards Brian Fisher Fisher Fishler there's an L in there

maybe my eyes are going oh my God maybe I've got degenerative retinal eye disease oh my God I did a benefit for myself how ironic

no but it's Brian Fishler and if you folks ever wanted to find out more about that or drop some bucks their way you can go to laugh for sight.com and if you're in the mood for being charitable and helping out with a just cause, there you go. Now here's something, I wish there was a charitable donation for this.

I don't know how many times I've damaged myself physically, personally with this. How many of you, and be honest, How many of you have burnt the hell out of your fingertips when the Pop-Tarts pop up and they just kind of peek over the top of the lip of the toaster and you have to grab them and fly them onto your plate. Ow! It burns! It burns! Yeah, man. I think you know what I mean, right?

You pop down the Pop-Tarts, they fry in the toaster for about three minutes. They pop up and just about like an inch of them pop up over the rim and they're burning on. You've got to grab them and it's not like toast where you pick it up and put it on your plate. Here's what I do. I grab the tip. I jerk it up into the air. The pop tart flies through the air and lands on my plate. Sometimes right side up, sometimes upside down.

it's uh it's the pain the searing pain and i started thinking why do i need my pop tarts that fast what i can't wait for a minute why do i have to have them the minute they pop up the second they pop up bong i'll tell you why because pop tarts cool down pretty fast they don't stay hot for long so if i got to burn the tips my fingers

so be it for my Pop-Tarts but ow does it hurt I might have to start a charitable foundation burntfingertips.com and maybe Kellogg's will be my first donor because they make Pop-Tarts so I'm going to go maybe I'll go I don't know commit a crime somewhere

now that I have no fingerprints my fingerprints are totally burnt off Um, maybe I could, you know, it looks like there's some blueberry sprinkles where my fingertips used to be. Maybe I can go rob a bank or do a carjacking. They'll never find me. Hey, chief, you got any prints or anything, man? No, looks like we just got some, uh, looks like some blueberry paste. Looks like a bit of strawberry frosting right here. Oh man, must be another one of those blueberry crimes.

One of those pop-taught, pop-taught criminals. Okay, so there you go. I'm going to go soak my fingers in onion water or something and see if I can grow, grow my damn fingerprints back. But I'll tell you what, for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Isn't that what they say? So as stressful and annoying as picking your Pop-Tarts out of your toaster is, I want to play some for you that I think is maybe one of the most relaxing song lyrics I've ever heard. You know, there's a lot of songs out there that are like, you know, mellow and really put you in the mood and make you relax.

But there's one song. It's by a guy named Robbie Robertson. It's from a band called The Band. But he did a solo album. I think it was called Somewhere Down the Crows. crazy river or crazy river or something like that and the title song somewhere down the crazy river there's uh first of all it's a cool song but there's a really cool line in there where he talks about uh he talks about he says i think i'm going to go on down and let madam x read my mind and i'm not doing it any justice you got to hear it with the with the with the

music you got to hear it with his enchanting voice his deep kind of singing voice and uh this lyric to me is just like the way he sings it the way the music comes in it's like oh man could anything be more relaxing than going down and seeing madam x who is madam x like what kind of imagery does that bring up like some kind of a gypsy woman living in a wagon somewhere colored lights and drapery and Persian rugs. So first of all, you're just going to go down and see Madam X, which sounds like kind of relaxing, but then let Madam X just read my mind.

To me, that's like you're just giving it up. You're giving it all up, your brain, you're giving it over to Madam X. It's like it's more relaxing than a massage. It's more relaxing than smoking a cigarette after sex. It's more relaxing than sleeping in a sleeping bag. Check it out. Listen to this from Robbie Robertson, somewhere down the crazy river.

Take a picture of this. The fields are empty. A band of 59 Chevy. Playing in the backseat, listening to Little Willie John. Yeah, it's when time's still. You know, I think I'm going to go down to Madam X. Let her read my mind. She said that voodoo stuff don't do nothing for me.

I'm a man with a clear destination. I'm a man. Oh, don't you love it? It's like so kind of mystical and enchanting and sexy and just, ooh, ooh, I love it. hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me and adam and eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping and more than that adam and eve wants to make your life easy they offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority plus 100% free shipping on your

entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount

and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I think I'm going to go down on Madam X and let her read my mind. Listen to it again. Just one more time, please. You know, I think I'm going to go down to Madam X. Let her read my mind.

Right? You could go to a day spa. You could go have a three-hour sweetest massage. You could lay in a mud bath. You could have a hot bath with candles and chocolate strawberries. And you could meditate. And you could do all these things. Oh, oh, Charles.

Oh, Nelson. But nothing will calm your soul and your mind down more than going down and sing Madame X. And letting her read your mind. You know, I think I'm going to go down to Madam X. Let her read my mind. Ooh, I love it. I wish I really could go to Madam X. I think we think of these psychics and these mind readers as swindlers.

But I think Madam X would be the real deal. And then the song goes on And there's a sexy part when he's talking to a girl She feels like she's like a swamp girl or a bayou girl But she's sexy and she's wearing ragged clothes But she's gorgeous with green eyes And he's like He's out with her at night in the bayou

The swamp swamp country And they're standing in the moonlight The crickets chirping and she's kind of, kind of this enchanting beauty. And they're together. And they have this little exchange. Ooh. Wait, did you hear that?

Oh, this is sherrists, turn up some ghosts for me. She said there's one thing you've got to learn. It's not to be afraid of it. I said, no, I like it. I like it. It's good. She said you like it now, but she'll learn to love it later. Oh, yeah.

Oh. She said, you like it now. But you learn to love it later. Oh, yeah. Isn't that sexy? Isn't that kind of sexy? I love songs that. conjure up that kind of

that imagery and then there's passion in the singer's voice you can feel it it's like you're there just I don't know man there's something very sensual and sexual and just charged

with passion and I love it let's go down to Madame X maybe I should have Madame X as a guest on my show one of these days and that be cool Roger do you think you can find me Madam X? I'd love her to read my mind

Really? Later in the show? Oh my God, Roger says he can get me Madam X And she'll come in and read my mind Oh my God, I love you, dude Ladies and gentlemen, Madam X will be coming in Towards the end of the show to read my mind. Unbelievable. Roger, you are the man.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. I got to go get a Coke or something and get my nerves under control. Roger, play a commercial, and we'll be right back. Oh, my God. Madam X is coming in. Can you believe it? Roger got Madam X. Oh, my God. I'm so excited. You know, I think I'm going to go down to Madam X. Let her read my mind. Strange vaginal odor and itching is a condition that almost every woman experiences at some point in their life. This condition is in most cases caused by a yeast infection. These types of infection occur when the natural balance in our body gets interrupted for some internal or external reason. If you're looking for a natural treatment for foul vaginal discharge that really work, we recommend you to check out nilines before you buy anything.

Nileans combines the nature's most powerful herbs that stop vaginal itching, vaginal infection, and bad vaginal smell within days. Visit Nylines now at www.9elins.com And speaking of your health, I just want to check in, no pressure, no guilt, but I wanted to check in and see if any of you participated in the health challenge that I put out a number of weeks back, one of the pavement pounders called in and asked me all about my health, about working out, about going to the gym. And I spent the whole episode talking about, you know, that topic, working out and getting healthy and making sure you go to the gym. And I challenged all you guys, and I said, give me six weeks, give yourself six weeks,

try to go to the gym at least every other day, just for an hour. And I'm excited to let you know. I actually got a couple of emails from some people that have actually told me they're doing it, that they were doing it. I hope they're still going. I hope they met the six week, the limit. I think it's coming up real soon. And so I just want to check in.

and for those of you that are participating and sticking to it, congratulations. I bet you look and feel better because you took up the challenge. But I can't wait to hear from you guys. When your six weeks is up, I want you to call in 323-739-4-330 or send me an email at harlornwilliams.com. And we want to share your. experience on on the show and uh i hope i hope some of you uh you uh did it uh checked in with your doctor made sure was okay to do it and uh benefited or are benefiting from doing it and

what no way she's here madamex is here oh my god i'm so nervous all right are you going to send her in Oh, my God. Roger's telling me Madam X is here. And she's coming in? Awesome. Send her in. Here she comes, ladies and gentlemen. I'm so excited.

Madam X. She's going to read my mind. Send her in. Oh, my God. Here's she come. The door's opening. Hello, Madam X. Hello, Alland.

Oh, no. No, what is he doing here, Roger? Holland. What is... No, no, no, no. Ohland What are you... Roger, I thought you said Madam X was coming in here.

Holland. Stop Hollending me. Where is Madam X? What? You couldn't get her so this is the closest you could get. Holland, I'm your doctor, Holland. What do you... Oh, come on, Roger.

You couldn't find Madam X so you send in my therapist, Dr. Ascot. Holland, I'll read your mind. No, you won't read my mind. I'm paid to do it, Alland. Well, you're not reading my mind. No, I'm pissed. My goodness, Allent.

Yeah, I'm mad. Thanks a lot, Roger. Here am I expecting this mystical enchanting woman and I get you and your lemon yellow shoes and your... What kind of shirt is that? It's Velvet, Alland. Purple velvet shirt and lemon yellow shoes.

Thank you. Ohland. Don't... There's no thank you. I'm not complimenting you. Holland. Stop saying my name. You're not reading my mind.

Well, then how about this, Holland? What is that? It's a book, Holland. So? Well, if I can't read your mind, Arland, I'll read a book. You're not reading me a book. What book is that? The Adventures of Curious George, Holland.

What? Curious George, the little hairy monkey. You've got to be kidding me, Ascot. Arland, I hold the book in my hand. All the monkey's furry little adventures right here for me to read to you, Arland. You have got... You know what? I might entertain this just to make you look like a real jackass.

Ascott is. as if your lemon shoes and your purple veloured velvet shirt isn't creepy enough. You carry around a volume of the... What is that? The complete adventures of Curious George. That's right, Arland. You carry that around. That's right.

And when do you read that? At Starbucks. And... On the subway. And taking a giant dump. Okay. Come on. Sometimes I imagine my dumps a little brown monkey.

Stop it! Arland, would you like me to read to you, Holland? Yeah, oh, this is going to be good. Go ahead. Make a jackass out of you. I'm going to sit back and watch you read a stupid book about Curious George the Monkey. Thank you, Alland. now we can take a good look at the little house and what did he see a big white bunny and a lot of little bunnies all and

george looked and looked and looked bunnies were something new to him how funny they were Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well if they're funny to the monkey They must be funny to me all And keep going this is really rich The big bunny was mother bunny She was as big as George But the little bunnies was so little

That George could hold one of them in his hand And that is what he wanted to do But how could he get a bunny out of the house, Holland? A house must have a door to get in and get out of, but where was the door to the bunny house, Arland? Oh, there it was. George put his hand in and took out a baby bunny. Seriously, you're going to keep going with this.

Shh, quiet, Holland. The bunnies are about to be played with by the hairy little curious monkey. that what fun it was to hold a baby bunny and the bunny did not mind it sat in his hand one ear up and one ear down holland and looked at george and george stop it just stop it i didn't think you'd go through with this what is wrong with you

now he and the bunny could play in the garden they can play a game they can play get the bunny Get out of here. Roger, get them out. This idiot is... Ascot, put your book away. It's just creepy. You ever seen that show to catch a predator?

Yes. Yeah, well, maybe you should take your book and go read there. George would let the bunny hop away, and then he would run after it and get it back. George put the bunny down, then he looked away. One, two, run. The bunny was off like a shot. It's not funny.

Put it away. Get out. You're creepy. I don't want Madam X. I don't want anyone anymore. I just want to go to my room and cry. Can I read you a bedtime story, Allen? Get out!

Roger? The hell is the matter with you. Don't, don't hide behind the panel there. I see you. Unbelievable, man. Next time if you can't get someone, just tell me you can't get them. Sorry, you had to go through that, ladies and gentlemen. Unreal, creepy.

If only you could see his shoes. They were like loafers, lemon yellow loafers and this creepy purple velvet shirt. and he used up all the time I was setting up this whole cool Madame X thing to the end of the show and we get this knob sorry gang

well hey what can I say we are at the end of the show thanks for suffering through it at the end there summer is here it's the beginning of June it's time to kick it have some fun i'm going on a really cool vacation uh i'll tell you about it when i get back but it involves dragons okay can you figure out the mystery it involves dragons so i will i will have an update for you

when I get back for my trip I will still be doing the podcast Do not fear I will not abandon you And as far as announcements go Check out for slang At Harlanwilums Dot com

You can see new episodes every Monday At Harlowiams.com While you're there, hit the YouTube link and you can subscribe to the channel and then the whenever the fish slang videos are posted they will come straight to you you don't have to search for them every Monday you'll get a little surprise little comedy surprise fish lang so that'll be cool and then if you're up in Canada gang if you're up in Canada don't forget my new sitcom package deal

We'll be airing coast-to-coast on City TV 830 Monday nights, and June 24th is the kickoff premiere show episode of Packaged Deal. So get out there, tell your friends. I've seen a few episodes. I think it came out really good. I'll let you be the judge, but I'm proud of it. I stand behind it. A lot of great laughs, a lot of great characters,

all the other actors on the show, fantastic. We've got Eugene Levy, Pamela Lee Anderson, special guest stars on the show. Unbelievable. And then towards the end of June, June 28th to the 30th, I will be in Arizona at the Tempe Improv. Get your tickets. Go to my website, Harlow Williams.com. You can click on the stand-up link. And don't forget to visit the store while you're there at Harlowyms.com. You can order merchandise, books, CDs, DVDs, movies, T-shirts, kids books, all the stuff that I do. And they make great presents or just for yourself, man.

Treat yourself. And that's it. That's all I got, man. Don't forget we have a crazy app of the Harland Highway app. Go to Harland app.com. You can get a free app for your phone and download all. all kinds of characters, crazy characters. And don't forget, gang, TiVo.

Don't forget to check out TiVo. Pick up a TiVo unit for your home so you can pick up all your favorite shows. You can record them. You can hold on to them. You can play them whenever you want, wherever you want in your house. You can play them on your iPad.

Wherever you want to play them. Tevo is the best digital recording. service out there, man. And please check out Tevo. Check out all things comedy. That is the umbrella podcast site where you can also find the Harland Highway. A lot of other great podcasts on there.

Jake Johansson, Bill Burr, Al Magigal. Some really fun ones. And that's it. That's all we have time for today, gang. I am headed somewhere down the crazy, River, where eventually it meets up with the insane Harland Highway. Until next time, chicken, shallmey. Babba, baby.

You know, I think I'm going to go down to Madam X. Let her read my mind. She said that voodoo stuff don't do nothing for me. I'm a man with a clear a destination. I'm a man with the front man.