The Harland Highway - 498: CELEBRITY RACES with RIHANNA, CINDY CRAWFORD

Episode Date: June 6, 2013

Today we go to the celebrity race track for an incredible race with Amanda Bines and others, butt dialing your cell phone, sweet street music, and annoying radio commercials. Target my flarget!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, hello, darlings. How are you today? Yeah, I called you darlings. You got a problem with that? Pavement Pounders. Ah, hey, it's Harlow Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway. And what a fun show we have for you today. It's always fun here at the Harlan Highway. What are we talking about today? Oh, my God, annoying radio commercials. There's one that's been going on in my community for, 20 years and it's one of these radio jingles it gets in your head it's annoying it's crazy it's funny i'm actually going to play it for you and i have a feeling it's probably going to get stuck in

your head too um also you ever butt dial somebody is your ass ever accidentally called someone you know yeah i think we've all been through the old butt dial and what a pain in the butt it can be uh we do you hear this story um the old butt dial story i got for you uh we're going to the celebrity racetrack oh my god riana is racing today uh just to name one of them okay uh we've got we're going to be talking about music a special kind of music that uh happens in a very special place that i think you'll like because this is a special place this is the harland highway welcome to the harland highway all right let's get this sucker going huh you're causing a major disturbance on my time it's the harland highway what's up bro

if i'm here and you're here doesn't that make it our time i have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass am i hallucinating here just what in the hell do you think you're doing you just made a wrong turn onto the harland highway this is your fucking wake-up call man you're riding down the harland highway with harland williams in 30 seconds you'll be dead i'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes well here we go you're ready to let's start the show off with something really dumb is your butt your friend is your is your bottom your butt talks your friend well in this situation apparently not uh check it out these uh these two uh dumbasses these thieves but dialed 911 the uh their ass called the cops on them um so this happened in fresno

California and uh these uh these two 20-year-old kids were uh were hanging out, and they accidentally dialed 9-1-1. One of them must have sat on their phone or farted or something. It's like, p, boop-e-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-9-1. How might we help you? So these guys, these two doofuses were sitting around chit-chatting. When their ass called 911, the 911 operator, was trying to talk to them, but they couldn't hear it.

And then one of the guys during their conversation said, hey, man, we need some weed. And so the dispatcher decided, you know, I'm going to keep listening to this. So then these two duffuses decided to break into a car. And the dispatcher's listening to how these guys are planning to break into the car. She hears the glass breaking. okay And then these guys discovered prescription pills in the car And we're talking about how they were going to divvy them up

And apparently one of them had trouble Like even counting out the pills Probably because he's not that smart One Five Nine so the dispatcher is able to feed this information to a cop and it didn't take long for them to find the guys in the stolen car

and one of the guys says one of the car thieves goes he's following the shit out of me bro okay it's following the shit out of me bro okay it's following the shit out of me bro and then the cop pulled them over how do you follow the shit out of someone unbelievable um so these guys tried to play it all innocent right they're like what'd they do officer you know the dispatcher can hear this over the phone and so the cop searched the vehicle found out the items were stolen and busted the two idiots and they couldn't figure it out when they told them the cop told them what happened and they're like really the phone called 911 really oh damn i mean pretty pretty good i like that has that ever happened

to you have you ever done a butt dial or have you ever been the recipient of a butt dial i've been down that road man it's like somebody butt dials in their car or something like that and they're just driving and talking you can hear the wind going by and the traffic or they're in a crowd they're in a mall and you get one of those messages that's 42 minutes long and it's just like I got I love those shoes I want to go get ice cream like you can just hear mumbling and then every now and then you hear some kind of you know spoken words And at first, you're kind of like this dispatcher. You're kind of like, oh, man, how cool.

I'm going to eavesdraff, man. I wonder who this is. I'm going to wonder if they're talking about me, man. I wonder if it's my girlfriend and she's out with another dude. Right? You become a spy? It's like, it's not my fault. They called me.

Their ass called me. Hello, you have a clerk call from somebody's dirty ass. Will you accept the charges? And then you get about three minutes into it, and you're like, oh, screw it. I don't want to listen to all this. Delete. So, yeah, just be careful with that phone in your back pocket.

And for that matter, but be careful in your front pocket. I mean, it's one thing to get a butt dial, but can you imagine, hello, you have a click call from some balls. Who? Some testicles calling. Would you accept the charges? What is it? You've got a collect call from a mushroom cap. What? There's a vagina calling. Would you accept the charges? Excuse me? A clitoris on line five, sir. I mean, can you imagine a clit dialing? A penis dialing? A ball sack dialing? I mean, forget the butt.

Keep the phone out of your front pocket. Hey, man, listen to this. What is it, dude? It's my girlfriend's vagina, man. She Vaj called me, dude. No way, what's she saying? I don't know. It sounds pretty, sounds like it's raining.

It's all wet. What? Hey, Cindy, listen to this. What is it? I think my boyfriend, Cock, called me. What? Listen. I'm trying to listen, but it's really hard. What? It's hard to hear. Oh.

So anyways, just be careful, groin ass, breast pocket. You know, ladies, if you have a breast pocket on your shirt, don't be titty-diling me, man. Hey, guys, I got a split. I got my girlfriend's titty collar. I got, I got to, give me a minute. I got to talk to some ariola, man. Yeah Yeah, my lady be calling with some ariola I don't know what's all about, ma'am Yeah

Be careful Be careful with your body parts And your phone So let's move on to something You know More Shall we say annoying Um

You know, all of us live in different regions of the country, of the world, and in particular to North America, if you live in a certain region, and you listen to the radio in your house, in your car, wherever, there is always the local, you know, manufacturer or store or car dealership or whatever that does the local radio commercial spot.

ads, whatever you want to call them. And somehow there's always a couple that sneak through that come up with a jingle or some kind of catchphrase that just gets in your head and it's goofy and it's silly and maybe it's annoying, maybe it's clever, maybe it's pleasing to the ear, maybe you just want to scream every time you hear it. well here in los angeles there's there's one that's been going on for for decades okay and it's it's a commercial that's done with these two guys and it's for a mattress place it's called sit and sleep and uh one guy talks about how great mattresses are and the other guy's upset

because i guess he's the competitor or something and uh He's freaking out because this one guy, Larry, who sells the mattresses, yeah, Larry, Larry the mattress guy. The one guy, Larry, his prices are so good that it's kicking the other guy's ass. And so the other guy is always yelling at Larry and his catchphrases, Your prices are too good. You're killing me, Larry. And then Larry's always like, you get a great mattress or your mattress is free.

So without further ado, let me play it for you. You know exactly what I'm talking about. And then we'll go from there. Here's Larry and the competing mattress guy. And here's just a little chunk of the local L.A. commercial. with the two catchphrases, you kill it me, Larry. And your mattress is free.

$1,000 off. Forget tan lines. You're going to fry our bottom line. With premium fleet sets selling elsewhere up to $7.99, now just $3.99. $3.99? I wish I could rub lotion all over you, Larry. Disappearing lotion.

This week, save up to $500 on Temperpedics Temper Ergo collection. $500 off. SBFU, Larry. Plus, with your good guy, credit pays zero interest for 18 months. The sun is a dying star, and so am I, because you're killing me, Larry. Yet the lowest prices of the year during sit and sleep's memorial sale. Since if it will beat anyone's advertised price, your mattress is free.

Your mattress is free. Okay, imagine having to listen to that for over 10 years, maybe 15, maybe 20. I don't even know how long it's been, man. But that, as long as I've been driving in LA, I've been listening to sit and sleep mattress commercials. And Larry and the other guy are still going at it. Larry's still getting death threats or, no, not death threats. The Larry guys, well, someone's trying to kill someone, you know. And I thought to myself, I've been listening to this.

thing so long that I thought when I die when my time comes I hope that some guy named Larry murders me okay so while he's stabbing me to death with his carrot or his ice pick or whatever I can look into his eyes and go you're killing me Larry right my dying words is this guy's stabbing me to death, this Larry guy. It's just me looking into his face and going, you're killing me, Larry. You're killing me, Larry. And then his final words will be,

Your mattress is free. Your mattress is free. You're killing me, Larry. Yeah, so when my day finally comes, and not that I want to get murdered, but if I have to get murdered by someone, it's got to be Larry. it's got to be Larry

you know he just he couldn't take it anymore he couldn't take the competition he couldn't take the mattress wars going on here in Los Angeles city of angels Larry and his crazy marketing schemes and this guy just goes on a binge

he's one of these guys that goes off the rails right kind of like a Columbine guy or like one of these nut guys that goes off and just shoots into a crowd. This guy starts running through a mall with a knife. And he starts like stabbing people

and pinning people down. He's finally lost it. He's finally got mattress berserk. And here I am shopping for new sandals or something over at the mall. And this guy pushes me. to the ground. His eyes are all fired up. His hair's crazy. He's got mattress stuffing in his hair. He's all wiry. He's unshaven and his shirts all ripped open. Stains on his pants. His eyes are wild and crazy like he's

cracked out on meth. But it's all because he's got mattress fever. He knocks me to the ground and he raises his knife in the air blood soaked and he just keeps bludgeoning me and i'm laying there and i'm taking my last breath and everyone's screaming and the mall security's running down the hallway and everyone's wondering what my last words will be like i love you mother i love you father goodbye cruel world and i'm laying there and everything's starting to fade to black and i finally utter my dying words out of my dying mouth and I stare right into his crazy

maniacal eyes and I yell You're killing me Larry! And off I go floating up to heaven where for all eternity I get to lay on a band made of clouds and the mattress well you know the story I think

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Do you play an instrument? Here's something that I find a little dreamy about summertime in the city. And this is just a sound that you can't find on the radio. You can't find it on a CD. You can't find it at a concert hall. You can't find it anywhere but one place. And I'm talking about the street musician. Okay? There's something about a guy playing an old horn out in the street with the traffic going by and standing on a street corner. Right? Or down in a subway station. Or down in a subway station. Or

just echoing down an alleyway, there's kind of a romantic, sweet, undefinable essence to someone blowing a horn or playing a flute or strumming a guitar on a city street. And I don't know if you're the type of person that stops and gives people money or you just stop and listen or you just ignore it, but it's one of those sounds that sneaks up on. you. And as you're walking through the concrete jungle and cars are going and there's honking and brakes squealing and people yelling and talking and children screaming and laughing and airplanes go by overhead, all the noises of the city. And then somehow in the back of your senses, you pick up just a filtering, drifting saxophone or a flute or a guitar.

and somehow it gets into the mix of all the noises of the city and it permeates and it's like icing on a cake and maybe you're not even aware of it but there's something the way that sound cuts through all the other noises it kind of like filters through them all. It deeks around all the obstacles and it becomes part of the tapestry as you're walking around in the street and I find it very alluring and very kind of mystical

and very captivating and romantic and especially at night, especially at night when you just, you know, you're walking around and there's that feeling in the air and it's that hot summer stick and you just hear that sound in the background. And the music that I'm playing in the background here is actually a street musician

that I heard when I was wandering around in the streets of San Jose, California. Hot day, hot day, and just some brother, some black dude out on the corner whaling away, you know. And the market square, people hustling by, trains going past. And here's this guy just not knowing

if he's going to make $100 or $25. But you've got to figure there must be some passion there and he's just kind of fill in the streets filling people's lives whether they know it or not that music is drifting inside their ear into their heart into their

body, into their soul, into their mind so check it out, just listen for a little bit and picture yourself walking down that city street somewhere and there's that lonely guy standing on the corner blowing into his horn

Thank you. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. Today's some fabulous celebrities, Amanda Bynes, young actress model, spy, the North Korean or South Korean singing sensation. Rihanna, singer, songwriter, beauty. And supermodel Cindy Crawford known all over the world. They line up in the gate. They're getting ready. And there they go.

They are off, ladies and gentlemen. The celebrities are tearing down the track. It looks like Amanda Binders out in the lead. Although I don't know how she's possibly able to run when she's wearing a strait jacket. Her legs are going back in very rapid motions as the straight jacket comes right down to her kneecaps. And it looks like Spy is galloping down the track. He's doing that world-famous gallop he does on stage.

It looks like he's galloping, prancing, almost ladylike. And here comes Rihanna. Rihanna with her long voluptuous legs, long bronze legs, prancing down the track, gaining speed. And it looks something's falling out of a clothing. It looks like a song. It looks like a song sheet has fallen out of a clothing. And there's another one. and another one it seems like everywhere you look

there's another Rihanna song and there's an offer from an award show someone from the crowd has thrown an invitation to her award show an award show and she's picked it up and she's collecting them and more songs are dropping out from underneath her clothing and here comes Sidney Crawford elegant oh so elegant rolling down the track oh so elegant and she's pulled something out of a handbag she's got a Gucci handbag She's covering herself in her skin cream

Her patented Cindy Crawford skin cream She's oiling her skin She's laying down on the mud She's slid She's sliding along on the track Like an otter and Amanda Binds Amanda Binds is wobbling around in circles She can't seem to control her straight jacket

Her face contorting She's chewing hay like a horse from that She picked up some hay And Spy Spy is galloping and doing his little dance too hard his pants have gone right up the crack of his Korean ass

he's given himself a wengee but he keeps jumping up and down his glasses covered in mud it looks like smoke is coming out of his tight black pants his loaf is going up and he just blew up he's given himself such a wengee Rihanna more songs

dropping out of a clothing more and more songs when will we have enough Rihanna songs the answer seems to be never and Cindy Crawford lathered up, sliding down the track. She's passing Amanda Binds who's just smashed into a wall, and Sfi is nothing more than a smoldering pile of ashes. His sunglasses and loafers melted into a giant Korean blob of hoo-ha.

And so Amanda Bines, who's flipped over the guardrail and is dangling her straitjacket stuck on the railing. It leaves us with Rihanna and Cindy Croner, who's back up and running again. She's running in her high-heeled stilettos. Her clothes are missing. Her voluptuous breasts bouncing up and down. She's covered in her patented,

youthless aging cream or whatever you call it. She may be 95 years old. She may be a highlander. We will never know because of her youthful beauty cream that defies age. And Rihanna flies down the track. All kinds of new saw. flying out from underneath her clothing it looks like a ticket ticket tape parade and here they come their neck and neck Cindy Crawford in a doting Gabana shoes it's Brianna and there they go and

oh and Cindy Crawford's taken a dive she's sliding on her skin cream it's coming down to the gate it's coming down to the way and it's Cindy Crawford she wins the race by a giant mole and I'm talking about the giant, disgusting brown mole over the left side of her upper lip. Her mole has pushed her over the edge. And that, when Cindy Crawford, the race. What a wonderful day of racing here, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Charles Parsley, and we'll see you next time

at the Holland Highway Celebrity Races. Wow. What a race. Unbelievable. Isn't that crazy? Cindy Crawford slides over the finish line. And I guess you've heard the saying, you know, wins by a nose. I guess Cindy won by a mole.

How about that? And speaking of winning, I got to tell you about this. I talked about this once on the show before. And this was cool. There's a show on ABC called Shark Tank, and it's a competition. Well, it's not really a competition. It's like it's about inventors, not even inventors, just people, people like you and me and your neighbors and your friends and your relatives. And it's a show about people who have ideas, you know, common everyday ideas or genius ideas or kind of innovative ideas or wacky.

ideas and they can go on this show called Shark Tank and the sharks are these five billionaire investor people one of them being Mark Cuban who owns one of the NBA franchises and three other guys and then a woman and basically you go in and you get to pitch your idea to them and if they like it if they see potential in it then they will make you an office. to partner up with you and help see your idea come into fruition to get it out in the marketplace hopefully. And I love this show because unlike a lot of reality shows where it's just mindless, ridiculous, idiotic stupidity, this is a show about innovation and people using their ingenuity and people

using their brain to create things and come up with things and solve problems and invent new things that help people or help animals or help the world or maybe they're just silly amusements or whatever but people are using their noggin to uh to uh you know kind of uh come up with these creations and so what happened is i got kind of hooked on the show because I like watching not just the people, but I like watching what they come up with. And I like seeing how the investors react and what turns them on and what they roll their eyes at and how much money they're willing to put out and blah, blah, blah.

And I like seeing the background of these people. I mean, some of them are farmers, some of them are factory workers, some of them are city people. It's just all walks of life. but the common thread is everyone's trying to, you know, create a product that somehow functions and serves a great purpose. And so after watching this for several seasons,

I'm like, you know what? I like to think of ideas. And so guess what, gang? Yours truly created an invention. I came up with an invention. I went out and I got all the pieces that I needed, and in my garage, I put together a prototype, and I applied for a patent, and I went in, and I auditioned for this crazy show, The Shark Tank.

Can you believe it? And I went, and I stood in a line out on the street with, like, I don't know, I think 500, 800 people, 1,000 people. I mean, there was a lineup. I'm serious, it could have been at least a quarter of a mile, maybe half a mile long. I mean, this thing was a lineup, man. And I went out there and I dedicated the whole day to sitting out there. I went early in the morning.

And I went with my application and I went in. And I did the interview and I had to give my little show. spiel. I had to give my little spiel in front of the panel and tell them about my idea and very fun, very exciting. And I don't know if my idea is a piece of junk or whether it's going to revolutionize the world in a small way. I don't know. And I can't tell you what the idea is, which sucks, because, you know, it's an idea that I'm hoping, you know, takes off and goes somewhere. So I'd be kind of a dummy if I went and told the whole world what my secret idea is,

but I'm going to keep you posted. But what a fun experience it was. And what I'm going to do is we don't have time in this show, but next show, the next podcast, be sure and be here. I actually have some live footage from me standing in the line, talking with all the other inventor wannabes. And there's some really fun stuff because a lot of them were asking me about my invention,

and because I didn't want to tell them, I made one up. And it's pretty ridiculous. And it's pretty ridiculous how many of them believed me and got involved with my fake invention while I was standing there in line. So make sure you're here next podcast, and you'll get to hear some of that stuff. I wish we had time for it today, but we are out of time. Let's do some quick announcements here.

Let's see. What do we got coming up? What do we have coming up here, gang? I will be appearing at the Tempe Improv in Arizona. That's June 28th, 29th, and 30th. Go online to Harlow Williams.com and click on the stand-up link, and you can order your tickets. right then and there online.

That one usually sells out, so I'm telling you, if you want to get seats, get gone now. Get going early. And be sure to check out harlunewyms.com. You can write me there, or you can leave me a message on the phone line. The phone number is at harlewilms.com.

You'll see it right there on the homepage. Don't forget to check out for slang. uh you can subscribe to my youtube channel uh youtube back slash harlem williams and uh you will see all episodes of fish lang my crazy new stunt show visit the harland uh harlom williams dot com merch store if you want to get t-shirts or uh cdies movies whatever books all the stuff i do uh this is this is the free stuff i do the uh All this stuff you've got to pay for is in my web store, but it's worth it. It's high quality, juicy, juicy stuff. And then lastly, I'd like to mention my sponsor here, TiVo. Yes, indeed, TiVo. Before TiVo, watching TV was kind of hard.

You could only watch one show at a time, and if you missed it or even part of it, you had to wait for it to go into reruns before you can see it again. well TiVos totally changed all that okay now there are other DVRs but they're not as good as TiVo because if you have cable Tevo let you watch your shows wherever you want you can watch them all over your house in the bathroom on the ceiling and bed you can even watch Tevo on an airplane waiting in line at the dentist's office so TiVo searches both cable and the web to find any movie any show any button any video at the press of a button and um you got it you got to love it uh there's tvo mini uh and the tivo box works on a second tv so you get all these things from the couch to the kitchen from the minivan to 35000 feet tivo makes tv about a thousand times better

and uh here's a promo code for you guys so you can can get $25 off a new TiVo Premiere, P4, or XL4 DVR, and all you got to do is use this promo code at TiVo.com. Here it is. You're ready? You want to save some money and get a great product? Here it is ATC, and the code is set to expire on 1111.13. So the promo code is ATC. at TiVo.com. So check it out. Great product. You got to love the old TiVo.

And if you don't love Tevo, then... Your mattress is free! So there you go, gang. Thanks for tuning in. Please tell your friends to join the Harlan Highway podcast. Great to have you here. And until next time, everybody, Chicken.

Chalmy. Babi. You're killing me, Larry!