The Harland Highway - 503 - A visit from the ICE CREAM GUY, strange habits.

Episode Date: July 25, 2013

Today we discuss the strange habits we all seem to have, disposing of old credit cards, and a visit from DEMITRI OLIO the annoying ice cream guy! Bless my backwoods OFF!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy, holy, holy, holy, holy smoke, holy, holy, holy smoke. Hey, gang, Harlem Williams here at the Harland Highway. Welcome to the show, one and all. Great to have you here, man. Big show today. We're going to be talking about all kinds of things. Your credit cards. What do you do with your credit cards when they're done?

I'm going to tell you this. It's damn dangerous. And I'm not talking about identity theft. I'm talking about something physical with your credit card, okay? We're going to be talking about weird habits, weird habits that you may have that nobody else has, but then somebody sees your weird habit, and they're like scratching your head,

and they're scratching their head, and you have to explain away what you're doing. Yeah, I got caught in one of these recently. What do you hear the story behind this? We got some dumbass drop-up. and buy with his ice cream cart which is going to mess up the show you'll hear it and then lastly

I got a great quote I'm going to play you a great bit that kind of challenge you to ask yourself about life about your life about everyone's life about life in the world about life as it is and how you

look at it. It's all right here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-o

And it's classic I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy Many many many Fucking years of therapy

I will kill you Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Bunk. There it is.

The little bong at the end. I want to start today with, you ever do something and, you know, you're out on a date, you're having lunch, you're taking a walk, you're sitting on a bus, whatever, the event. maybe you do something that's kind of a ritual or a habit to you but it's kind of something real different to everyone else and you just start doing it and you don't even think about it but

everyone in your immediate revire and the everyone else in your immediate environment's like what are you doing uh hello excuse me what are you doing what's he doing he's making me nervous what's what's he doing back it up dial it back uh so i want to tell you a story i was out for a business lunch the other day it was me and one of my managers and and and uh an executive a businessman guy and we were out just talking shooting the breeze talking about projects putting the deals together man you know all that crazy stuff yeah who what's he doing I'm telling the story, relax. So we all ordered some lunch, and I ordered a great big chicken pot pie.

Okay? This place made these really big, the size of a plate. They weren't the little ones, the size of a small plate. They were the circumference of a big plate. So this thing had a golden baked pastry topping and creamy chicken sauce inside and mushrooms and peas and chicken. And also what it had inside were big chunks of carrots. And once I peeled back the pie,

every time I got to a carrot, I would kind of push it over the edge of my bowl, and it would land on the plate. And eventually there was like 30, 40 chunks of carrots, and finally this executive guy I'm sitting with, he's like, dude, what's with the carrots, man? And then I realized, oh, yeah, Most people don't push their carrots out of their food and onto the side of their plate.

So now not only am I busted, but now the guy's like asking for an explanation. What's what the carrot thing, dude, is ringing in my ear. And I'm like, I could just go, I don't like carrots, but I felt like, gee, I'm kind of exposed here. I guess it is kind of an odd thing to do I guess it maybe does deserve a real answer so I go you want to hear the carrot story he's like oh yeah I want to hear the carrot story it's like okay years ago I was sitting in my house

watching my TV and all of a sudden a commercial comes on a local commercial and it says so-and-so's wild lion animal park or so-and-so's wild lion rescue park or something. So basically what it was, it was like a self-funded, like animal rescue, but they dealt with exotic animals, wild animals like lions and tigers and wolves

and all this stuff, which I'm, by the way, a huge fan of. I love me some critters, as you well know. So I'm watching this commercial, and they're going, oh, we got lions, we got wolves, we got jackals, we got zebras, come on down. We need volunteers to work here. And you might have heard of this place actually a little bit tragic, but last year it's the place in Los Angeles where a young girl was actually mauled and killed by a lion. So so much for charity work, man It's a tragic story

But it's not the carrot story That's a different story This isn't so tragic Nobody dies I'm dying of boredom hurry up All right So anyways I'm like man I want me some lions

I want me some black jaguars I want me some jackals They want volunteers I'm going to go man So I get the information off the TV, and I'm already picture myself brushing a lion sitting in the sunshine. Got a lion chain around its neck. I've got the other part wrapped around my arm. I'm brushing out the knots in its mane.

You know? I got the Black Panther on his back. Legs open, just rubbing his belly like you do to a dog. His Black Panther leg is twitching going back. back and forth while I rub his belly. Oh, yeah. I'm throwing raw rabbits into the tigers. Hey, Ty, you want a rabbit?

Yeah, I got it all mapped out. So I'm like, for sure, man. So I get my car on Saturday or Sunday. I'm like, I'll give up half a day. So I drive all the way out to this thing. It's out in the hills in Los Angeles. It's like out in the middle of nowhere. It's like a good hour, maybe more, to get out there, hour and a half.

So I track this place down. It's in the middle of nowhere. I go in, and it looks like I'm not the only guy that has fantasies about brushing and shampooing lions. Okay? I get there. There's a whole cluster of people. I'm like, all right, here we go. And suddenly there's a wrangler appearing.

You know, and we're on the property. You can see the cages. I'm walking past lions. I can hear them roaring in the background. Oh, you know, sounds like an old guy in a bathroom stall at the airport. Oh. So they wrangle us into this area where there's picnic tables and blah, blah, blah.

And, you know, someone who works there goes into their spiel. They're like, welcome to the wild lion rescue. Thank you so much We're so grateful you're here How many of you love lions And everyone's like drooling You know Everyone's having a tremor

And they're like How many you love wolves and tigers And we're like drooling And then they bring a wolf around Some guys a wolf on a chain And we're like oh my God And they're like Yeah

Well we're glad you love all that stuff Because for the first four years you won't even get near one. And I'm like, uh-oh. He said, yeah, with our early volunteers, we like to scope them out and put them to work for a few years. So initially you'll be like bottle feeding baby squirrels that people bring in.

You'll be bottle feeding little baby raccoons that are abandoned and brought in. You won't be getting near any of the good stuff. Hope you like chipmunks, okay? I'm like, oh, boy. And they go, you know, it's not that glamorous here, and a lot of the stuff you'll be doing is preparing food for the camels and the donkeys and the zebras.

I'm like, oh, okay. And they go, now look behind you. And you'll see Paul over there is preparing food for the hoofed animals. Turn around. Paul hoist's giant bag on his shoulder. There's like it looks like a sugar cane bag or a raw sugar bag, right? Great big bag. Dumps it out on a big wooden table where there's a sink.

A bunch of knife cuts in the wooden table. It's like a cleaning center for fish almost. And out of this bag comes like, you know, like 100 carrots, man. Great big, fat, long carrots. This guy gets a knife and starts methodically chopping them up into pieces. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. You know, it's almost being hypnotized. You're kind of like, it's like a pendulum going back and forth.

You're practically falling asleep watching it, chop, chop, chop. And they're like, yeah, this is where everyone starts. This is the beginner level. Okay? This is where you get your starting here at the wildlife scene. sanctuary, you're going to chop carrots, bags and bags of carrots for the camels and the zebras. And you might think it's a waste, but carrots are really super cheap. They're like a filler food. You know, it's not a glamorous food, but it uses up space in their stomach

and it's big and it's chunky and makes them think they've eaten a lot. And I went, okay, first of all, I didn't. and sign up to be a carrot chopper, okay? I came here to be a lion tamer. Thank you very much. If I wanted to chop carrots, I'd buy myself a juicer and just do it at home. I don't need werewolves howling in the background.

Chop, chop, chop. Oh! Oh! Mm. Um, so I go home, I leave the place, and I'm like, I'm not going back. there. I love animals. I want to help, but I wanted to help at the capacity that I wanted to do it.

I wanted to be in contact with the big game animals. I don't need to be chopping up a carrot for a donkey. So I was a little disappointed, a little disillusioned, and ever since then, all I can think of is carrots are filler food, right? It's just filler food It's like you ever pour open a can of soup Next time you get a Campbell's chunky soup You know the chunky soup Pour it out in the pan And as you're cooking it

As you're heating up that soup Just take your fork and start pulling out the chunks of carrot And put them on a plate You'll see that At least a quarter of the contents of that soup can Is chunks of carrot And so I went, aha, so the big corporations are on to the carrot filling routine. I want a nice bowl of soup.

I don't want carrot filler soup. I want bean with bacon. I want chicken noodle. I don't want a can of carrot filler chunky soup. So now I pull all the carrots out of my soup, too. Maybe I've got a carrot compulsive disorder issue. So there you go. So I told the guy the story.

He just laughed and kind of, you know, did this look like, okay, do I want to be in business with this freak? No, actually, we all had a good laugh about it. And there it is. There's my little story where I got busted for doing something that was caused by lions. It wasn't even my fault. Yeah, whatever. I heard you Oh

Same to you Up yours Let's move on Roger, let's move on Let's just jump right into another topic Well now Here's a topic that I think everyone will enjoy I don't know if you're into boating

And being out on the water in the summertime But let me tell you, I was out on a friend's yacht just a couple of days. Excuse me. Hello? Hello, what are you doing in here? Hello, my name is Dimitri Olio. I'm selling the delicious ice cream. Yeah, I'm doing a podcast.

You can't bring your little trike in here with the jingle bells music. I'm selling the delicious ice cream. How may I help you, please? can help me by getting out of my studio. I've got the sugar, sugar. What? Sugar, sugar. What is a sugar, sugar? It's a lovely, lovely ice cream with the sugar on the sugar. I don't want a sugar, sugar. I'm doing a podcast. How about a lovely lemon? Everybody loves a lovely lemon on the nice holy, holy, holy day. It's not a holy day, and everybody doesn't love a lovely lemon. I'm doing a podcast. How about a cream dream war machine? A cream dream war machine for everybody who likes to go into

the battlefield with a nice, yummy ice cream on it. No, no, no, I don't want a dream ream corn machine. Turn off that music. I'm doing a podcast. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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You can't just barge in here with your ice cream truck. Get out of here. I'm doing some work. This is an outrage what you're doing. I can't believe. How about that lovely? stump lump. What is a stump lump? That's if you're in a wheelchair and you've got a lump in your breast. You've got breast cancer. Delicious ice cream. Get out of here. Nobody wants a stump lump.

A juicy cancer. Get out! Roger, do you mind? Dmitrio Olio. Keep that ice cream guy out of here. Now I lost my train of thought. I don't even know what I... What? Out on the boat, forget it.

I've lost my train of thought. The stump lump? What kind of ice cream is that? What do you mean you're having one? Oh, God. Idiot. Let me tell you, let me change topics. Jeez.

Have you ever cut up one of your credit cards? Have you ever done that? It's a weird thing cutting up your credit card. You know when you get a new credit card? Your old ones all worn out. The magnetic stripe on the back is fried. Or, you know, it's just all worn down. It doesn't work.

There's chips in it and there's cracks in it. So you get the new credit card and they tell you to destroy the old one. Cut it up. So you get a pair of scissors out. And first of all, you've got to be careful cutting it because it's pretty tough. Those credit cards are pretty tough. So you've got to watch where you have your fingers. You don't want to be like snipping through your fingers.

But then you start cutting your credit card up and here's what happens. Usually you cut it over the counter or something, right? And a little pile forms of shards of credit card. And no matter how you cut up the credit card, every... piece that you leave on the counter, I realized it's extremely pointy. And it's hard. And when you go to pick it all up, be careful. Ow!

Be careful you don't puncture your own flesh. It's almost like a disassembled karate star or something. The edges, the points on that credit card are very, very, very, very pointy. And, uh, ouch. I cut one up the other day and I just about cut my finger open you know sweeping up all the

all the cut up pieces with my hand I'm thinking of going into the ninja business man imagine just forget the karate star just reach into your little pouch full of cut up credit card shards shards just throw them like fairy

just like Just sticking into walls and stabbing guys in the neck. Ah, Visa! Mastercard! Hey, dude, what's wrong? American Express. So, I'm just telling you, be warned. Be warned.

Be safe. Now, I think I'll go, uh, you know, something on my new credit card maybe some ice cream no i didn't mean that i didn't mean that hello my name is dmitri oleo how about a crunchy wonchy funchy i don't want to crudger get him out of here get him out of here a crunchy fudgy flunk clunk there's no such thing as a funchy wonchy funch clunch i said fud clod you didn't say fud clod you said fud clod you said Punch clans. Oh, Dimitriolio's got everything you need.

How about a coconut crab crinkle? There's no such thing as a coconut crab crinkle. Get him out! God. Turn the music on. You know, Rudd, people aren't going to take this show seriously. If we don't talk about anything serious. Yes, Roger.

See, are things that are deep like life. life. Yeah, life the way it is. Good, I'm going to talk about it. How are you guys with life? What's your interpretation of life? Are you satisfied with life? Is your scope of life grandiose or just a little flicker of a flame? Do you strive for big things? Do you demand big things? Do you coast through life? Do you retreat from life? Are you somewhere in the middle?

Are you three quarters of the way? Do you just treat life as it is or how it should be? Interesting. And to put a pin in that, I want to play for you a wonderful little excerpt here that's very powerful. and very well-spoken. And it kind of ponderes that very question.

What is your vision? What is your interpretation? What is your perception of life and how it should be? Life as it is. I have lived for over 40 years, and I've seen life as it is. Pain, misery, cruelty beyond belief. I've heard all the voices of God's noblest creature, moans from bundles of filth in the street. I've been a soldier and a slave.

I've seen my comrades fall in battle or die more slowly under the lash in Africa. I've held them at the last moment. These were men who saw life as it is. But they die despairing. No glory, no brave last words. Only their eyes, filled with confusion, questioning why. I do not think they were asking why they were dying, but why they had ever lived. and life itself seems lunatic who knows where madness lies

perhaps to be too practical as madness to surrender dreams this may be madness to seek treasure where there is only trash too much sanity may be madness and maddest of all to see life as it is and not as it should be whoa

and who's responsible for that Who's responsible for life the way it should be, meaning your life? Are you responsible for your life? Are you taking your life into your own hands? Are you controlling your life and getting the most out of it? And making your life what it should be? Are you scared and confused? Do you look at life through rose-colored glasses

or through the lens of fear and trepidation? I don't know. It might be worth listening to that a couple of times. It's intense. It's intense. It makes you think, doesn't it? So, get on it, man. Who knows what life is?

Life itself, sin. lunatic who knows where madness lies perhaps to be too practical as madness to surrender dreams this may be madness to seek treasure where there is only trash too much sanity may be madness the maddest of all to see life as it is

and not as it should be as it should be I don't know too much sanity may be madness I like that one I guess that's why I like to stay just this side of crazy. Because if you get too sane, man,

maybe if you're a little bit crazy, it's easier to handle all the insanity. I don't know. It's a juggling act, man. So there you go. We went from the, you know, I think we got deeper, Raj. I think we went from talking about carrots

and sugar, sugar, fun sticks and ice cream to chopping up the credit cards to we really got around to what is life? What is life? What does it look like? What is the shape of life? How do we treat it? How do we interact with life?

How do we look at others' lives? How do we look at our own lives? What are we doing in our lives to get the most out of them? Questions. Questions? Maybe this was provocative enough. enough to get you thinking. Are you living life to the fullest?

Are you making life the way it should be? To see life as it is and not as it should be. Maybe. It's up to you. It's all up to you. Just some thoughts there. Maybe your lives are all great. I hope they are, man. But if you're slacking off a little, this might be a little reminder. Get it up there.

Get it into gear, man. So there you go. I like that. I like that a lot. I think that's a good, deep, deep way to end the show. Just leave your head spinning. Leave you thinking and pondering about the world, about humanity, about life, about society. What does it all mean, man?

What is it all mean? Oh, oh, ha, ha, ha, Charles, oh, Nelson Riley. Oh, no, that's not what it all means. All right, maybe it's too heavy for it. You know what, Roger, that might have been too deep. Why don't we bounce out of the show with a commercial just to be safe? Just a little buffer. I don't want to leave my listeners.

I don't want to leave the pavement pounders like sitting there staring into the water at the toilet bowl looking at their own reflection going, what am I doing here, man? What's going on? What does it all mean? Flush. So let's go out on a commercial.

We'll come back with some announcements and we'll wrap it up. This commercial is just to kind of let you take a breath. Fresh is a walk through the woods on an early spring morning. Fresh is a gentle breeze. It takes you by surprise. Fresh is simple. With Summer's Eve, the most convenient disposable douche you can buy.

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Well, hey, that brings us to the end of the show. I don't mind that we go out big. And let's get to some quick announcements. You want to see some stand-up comedy. I'm going to be doing some stand-up comedy in a really cool place. I'm going up to Cottage Country in Ontario, Canada. There's like a Huntsville Comedy Festival. little town called Huntsville, Ontario, and it's like where all the cottages are and people go fishing.

And I'm going to be doing a headlining a show up there on August 8th. It's the Huntsville Comedy Festival. The theater's right there on the main street in Huntsville. Check it out. Go and get your tickets. You can go online. And then later in August, August 15th through the 18th. I'm going to be at Marco Island in Florida.

This is a great resort beach island with a great comedy club on it. So that'll be Marco Island, August 15th through the 18th. And it's going to be a treat. Meanwhile, check out my website, harlorn Williams.com. You can catch new episodes of Fashlang, my stunt show. You can go to our store. You can pick up some paintings, some drawings, some drawings, some music, some books, whatever you want. There's some brand new things in there to look at.

And make sure you tell your friends about the Harlan Highway. You can always call on our hotline. The number is it my website, harlanwilms.com. Or you can just write me at Harlan Williams.com. And maybe you will hear your letter read or hear your voicemail played. on the podcast. So that's it for today, folks. Hope you had a good time.

Go get some carrots. Stick one up your nose and ask yourself if this is life the way it should be. But until next time, I'm going to skip the carrots and go get myself a great big bowl of chicken.

Chalman, baby? Thank you. Thank you.