The Harland Highway - 504 - COW MURDER!!, YouTube babies, hose memories.

Episode Date: July 29, 2013

Someone was murdered by a cow, we will investigate the story, A listener calls in for a private show, back in time with the garden hose follow up, and the dangers of being a YouTube baby. Jimmy crack porn!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the Harland Highway, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, start your engines. You are about to blaze down the Harland Highway. Gentlemen and ladies, start your engines. Okay, a little too intense right out of the gate. Dial it back, dude. Welcome, everybody. I'm Harlan Williams, and you are on the Harlan Highway. Great show today. I always say that, but, you know, why wouldn't I? How about this cow murder? Yeah, yeah, we got to talk about that. Someone's been murdered by a cow. It's a very intense mystery. We're going to get into that. We're going to talk about that. I got a phone call from one of you guys,

the pavement pounders, who wants me to actually come to her house and do a stand-up show. So she doesn't have to go out to the comedy club. So we'll be taking that call. I'm also going to do a follow-up to one of the topics I did a few weeks ago where I talked about drinking out of your garden hose. Somebody wrote in and told me an incredible story,

which verified my beliefs about drinking from a garden hose. Wait to hear it. And then lastly, are you putting your baby in danger by putting it up on YouTube? I think you might be. Wait till you hear some of the baby danger stories. here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway

I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-o And as glasses I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy Many, many many Fucking years of therapy I will kill you Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway.

You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. All right. Let's get it started here. I want to kick today's show off with a very, very cool letter from one of the pavement founders. This is exciting. This is really cool because it proves my assertion. it confirms my belief

I got a letter from one of you guys and a little while back I think about two or three shows ago I was talking about something really simple that I said would kind of take you back in your memory to being a kid again it was kind of like a little time machine a very simple innocent act

that would as you did it as you performed this act you would probably have flashbacks to being a kid again because that's what happened when I did it and I was talking about drinking out of a garden hose I know it sounds silly it sounds weird if you want to go back and listen to the episode it's just two or three back somewhere in there and you know I claim that when you pick up

a garden hose and drink out of it. It's not something you really do anymore as an adult. But as a kid, you probably did it all the time. And so I was talking about how I did it about a month ago. And the whole act of turning on the tap and holding the hose up and the water shooting out and putting it to my mouth, man, did it make me feel like a kid again? It brought back so many memories of my childhood. and it was it invert and I didn't know it would but it just did

and so I suggested you guys go out and try this I was positive that you would have the same effect and according to this this letter I got someone wrote me at Harland hot at at Harland Williams.com And I want to read the letter to you and I was so excited. that somebody confirmed what I kind of thought to be true.

So here we go. This is a letter from John Dunn, and he writes in, and he says, I heard your 500th podcast this morning on my way to work. Oh, so I guess that was the one where I talked about the garden hose. Okay, so if you want to go back and check it, go to number 500. and this is like this is only like 503 so it was no this is yeah wait what is this one what what roger what is this one oh this is 5.04 i see you holding up the four fingers yes okay now you just put three fingers down and now you're holding up one thank you roger

guys giving me the finger oh god childish That's what I'm dealing with here, folks. Anyways, let's get back to this email from John Dunn. John says, I have a short story about me drinking from the garden hose a few weeks ago. I went to Minneapolis to visit my fiancé's cousins, and one morning I ran five miles because I'm training for a half marathon. And when I got back, I was flipping hot as hell, and everyone was sitting out back having coffee.

and I came out through the sliding glass door. I immediately saw a hose right outside the door. Everyone said, How are you, drenched and sweat? I didn't say anything, and I turned on the hose and heard the water swish, swashing through the hose, as you described, and then wham the first splash of water looking crystal clear, shooting at my face.

I love this. I drank 10 big gulps, and then I put the hose above my head and started soaking myself. And this is the part I love. All the while, I was immediately thinking about the first time I drank from a hose when I was probably five or six years old playing tee ball in the backyard with my dad. I'm almost tearing up here. It made me think about the old house we lived in and how we ate a lot of watermelon every summer. It made me think about that 1st 4th of July that my dad let me light fireworks.

It made me miss being a kid. See, that's moving to me. I really am moved by that. As I was drinking the water from the hose, people were like, dude, we'll get you a glass of ice water, and I was like, no, the hose is better. It was very cold. I know I will always be a kid deep at heart. Congrats on the 500th podcast, John Don.

Hey, John, what a great. I love that letter. And, you know, it was weird when I came up with that topic. I was like, I don't know. Are people going to relate to this? This is because when I did it, it was moving to me. It's like hard to get back to your childhood in this day and age, especially in the day and age of Twitter and Facebook and YouTube,

and we're always looking for the next thing to come around the corner, the next cell phone, the next laptop, the next car. I think it's a little harder to go in reverse and get back to our youth. And so I took a gamble and I said, I'm going to talk about the hose thing and to have somebody write in and kind of share the sentimental journey they went on

just from drinking out of the hose thing. It's amazing. So, again, if you haven't done it and you think, no, I'm not going to do it, I'm a businessman. I wear a suit every day, or I'm a teacher, I'm a doctor. I'm not going to go drink from my hose in the yard. Screw it. I want you to throw all that stuff away.

If you get a chance, on your way out the door, on the weekend, whenever, no one has to be looking, you can do it all by yourself, just try it turn on the hose bring it up to your mouth and drink from it and I want to see if you have the same experience me and John had

it's a fascinating little thing and feel free to share your story with me because this is a great letter from John so thank you John and I look forward to hearing from some of you other pavement pounders

and see if you were able to get on the garden hose time machine. All about the Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. That's strange stuff. Yeah, okay. Well, enough reminiscing.

Time for a crazy story. How about this headline? Cow crashes through roof kills Sleeping Brazilian. Hello. Check this out. man. A Brazilian man has died after a 3,000-pound cow crashed through the roof of his house and crushed him. Joe Maria D'Souza was sleeping with his wife when the animal plunged through the corrugated asbestos shelter of his home in southeastern Brazil. Okay, first of all, if the cow wasn't going to kill him, if you're sleeping in a corrugated,

irrigated a Besto's shelter? Not good, dude. You probably didn't have much time left. The cow might have done your favor. What the hell are you doing living in an asbestos shelter? Aren't shelters supposed to shelter you from danger? Shelter you from the wind, the rain, the hail, the snow? You take shelter to protect yourself.

Not smart to be taking shelter. under asbestos. Anyways, this cow, they thought it must have escaped from a nearby farm before it clambered onto the home, which backs onto a steep hill. Those darn cows, always hiking. You always see them in the hills with their walking sticks and their fanny packs and their sun vizers. They're so curious, always hiking around. and exploring.

Some of them have those ice ice shoes on with the spikes. Right? So it backs on to the, clambers onto the, the asbestos home. And then it fell. The thing fell eight feet onto DeSuz's side of the bed

after the roof buckled under the weight of the cow. his wife was unharmed i mean that's pretty you're pretty unlucky man or you're or the wife's super lucky i mean you got a three thousand pound cow and it lands perfectly on his side of the bed can you imagine if they had if they had one of those fights that night hey maria i'm tired of you always sleeping on that side of the bed i want to sleep on that side of the bed i want to sleep on that side of the bed. Oh no, Jesus, you cannot. You can, this is, this is my side of the bed. You let me sleep on that side of the bed or I'm sleeping out on the couch. Oh, don't do that, please. Okay, I'm sleeping on this side tonight for once. But I've been sleeping on this side

for 23 years. Yeah, well, tonight we change it up. It's my turn, finally. Okay, if it makes you happy. Yes, it makes me happy. Okay, just this one night. Yes, eight hours of my whole life, sleeping on this side of the bed. Okay, just eight hours, but never again. No, I just want to try it. Okay, I hope a cow doesn't fall through the roof and kill you. What does that mean? I don't know, I'm just saying. Sure enough, boom. guy sleep the guy gets a cow on him i mean there's a lot of things that can kill you in your sleep lirties and snortle flargins

a heart attack a stroke choking on your own vomit strangling yourself with your own tongue how many of you ever go to bed thinking oh god please do you're saying your prayers dear lord up above i love my family i love my job. Thank you for all the blessings. Please don't let a cow kill me in my sleep, dear Jesus. Please.

Unreal. So the guy was taken to the hospital with a broken leg. But he died later from internal bleeding. Boy, oh boy. Broken leg, you'd think his back would be broken. You think the guy would have folded in half like a, like a, fold up bad. Hey, everybody.

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police in because you know this could be a murder hey man i want to i want to knock off hey zeus that guy's been pissing me off man oh yeah you want to buy a cow why would i want to buy a cow oh you can kill jesus with this cow really oh yes this is a murder cow really oh yes i've killed many people with this cow. Okay, I'll take it, man. What are you investigating? There's a cow on the band. I wonder if it's like, I wonder if it's that cow that jumped over the moon.

You know, it happened in the middle of the night. Maybe you ever hear that kid's story, the cow jumped over the moon? The dish ran away with the spoon. The cow jumped over the, maybe he like, overcompensated and went too far over the moon. and came crashing through this guy's roof. Now here's something. Here's what the mother and the father said. This is, I hate to say it, but this is comical.

This is the mother. She says, I didn't bring my son up to be killed by a falling cow. I didn't bring my son up to be killed by a falling cow. No, I don't think. I don't think you did. I don't think that was in anybody's thoughts. I don't think any mother brings up their son to be killed by a falling cow. Are there any mothers listening? I certainly hope my son isn't killed by a falling cow in this life. Now, if he gets struck by a flying horse or a hovering goat or a floating pig, that's okay. I just don't want him to get killed by a falling cow. And now the mother says, and this is sad, she says,

He nearly died when he was two and got meningitis. But I worked hard to buy medicines for him, and he survived. And now he's lying in his bed and gets crushed to death by a cow. There's no justice in the world, she says. I like this part. He nearly died when he was two and got meningitis, but I worked hard to buy medicines for him, and it should go,

I worked hard to buy medicines for him and put them in an asbestos house. Because, you know, I find the best place to rest up when you're sick is in an abesto's house. But she's talking like this flying, dropping cow thing is like a common thing. I didn't bring my son up to be killed by no falling cow, man.

Okay? My son was going to be a doctor. man, my son was going to be a lawyer, okay? My son was going to drive a bus. I didn't bring my son up to be killed by no falling cow. Oh, hell no. Hell no. Yeah.

Oh, hell no. So there you go, man. Bizarar story. Uh, ladies in gurgleblurgens, please. Uh, wear a, you know, get a barn door. Get rid of your duvet, get rid of your comfortable, whatever the hell that blanket you put on you at night.

Get a barn door. Sleep under a barn door on asbestos barn door. Because you don't know if old cowie's coming through your roof tonight. Now I'm scared about Christmas. Like now I can think about is like Santa landing on my roof. with all his reindeer, and those guys smashing through and stabbing me to death with their antlers. Oh, it does it. I've got to get my asbestos roof reinforced.

That does it right there. Good Lord. Hey, Harland. My name is Corey, and I've been having a really rough week at work, and I was hoping if you could come back to Dally, then maybe it would cheer me up. You don't have to, like, play at the improv again. You could just, like, come to my house.

I can invite some people over, and you can be funny for us. I can pay you in homemade margaritas and hummus. The hummus won't be homemade, though. All right, please come back soon, and have a great day. Bye. Wow. Okay, interesting proposition. You know, just forget the local comedy venue.

Just go to somebody's town and go to their house, and they can invite all their friends. and I can do a show in the living room for margaritas. You know, you almost had me. You know, I was almost there. Just one problem. The city you live in doesn't exist. In all my travels, in all the towns and cities I've played in,

where there's comedy clubs, specifically improv comedy clubs, which you mentioned, I've never been to Dally. Does anyone know where Dally is? I was hoping if you could come back to Dally. Where? Daly. I'm sorry. Where?

Dally. Okay. Last time, nice and slow. Where are you? Dally. It ain't going to work. I just don't know where Dally is. I'm going to go on Google right now and look for Dally.

Okay, here we go. I'm going on Google, because Google has everything, and I'm typing in City of Daly. Okay, City of Daly, D-A-L-Y. Here's what I came up. Here we go. City of Daly City. Daly City is the largest city in San Mateo County, California, United States, with a 2010 population of 101,000 people.

Located immediately south of San Francisco, it is named in honor of businessman and Landover, landowner, John Dally, founded March 18th, 1911. Winds at one mile per hour, 95% humidity. Local time is 1158. Unemployment rate is 6.3% as of April 2013. Nope, never been there. Never been to Dally.

Um, sorry, uh, kiddo, Corey. I'm real sorry, but, uh, I just can't get there. Um, but thanks, thanks for asking. Hey, never hurts to ask. Thank you. And, uh, God bless you and all of the dallies. Even Salvador. If he's there, say hi to Salvador Dally for me.

What we've got here is, Failure to communicate. Speaking of failure to communicate, are we communicating too much? Is the YouTube, a digital internet video thing causing us to overstep the boundaries of communicating? And I'm talking about visually communicating, shooting videos.

Are people going out of their way? in this mindset now that you know I'm going to stage something and put it on the internet I'm I'm going to I'm going to stage an event I'm going to stage a moment that I think would be interesting for people or I'm going to I'm going to create a moment that's unique I'm going to put people and and objects and things into a scenario so that at the end of my shooting, it creates a unique video that'll get a lot of people watching.

And now if I'm breaking it down even more, I'm specifically talking about people and their babies. Are people endangering their own babies just to get them in a cute YouTube or internet video moment? an Instagram moment, a vine moment, a YouTube moment. Just in the last week, I saw a video where this couple tossed their little baby in a swimming pool. And when I say little, I don't think this thing was more than a year old.

Somewhere between a year and under. Okay? And they threw this little baby. maybe two years, two years to one year. It was a baby, okay? This wasn't a kid that could talk yet. He couldn't speak. It could probably barely walk.

They tossed it in the swimming pool, and they filmed it. Swimming down the length of the pool to the steps. And the whole time they're holding the camera going, oh, look at him. Isn't he cute? Look at our swimming baby. Now, granted, the parents were right there on the side of the pool.

And one of them was apparently a lifeguard. But, you know, still, tossing your little one into a pool is a bit dangerous. And the interesting thing, I think babies have a natural affinity to swim. A lot of mothers give birth in the water. So babies, I think, have kind of a natural, like, dolphin instinct to swim. But still, man, you know, and any time you put your baby in a situation where the possibility of something going wrong can happen, just don't do it. If you're like, oh, my baby can swim, I taught it to swim, and the babies naturally swim. Okay, that's all fine.

but when you think that a baby's mind is forming, they're not rational, they're just thrashing around instinctively, that's not a mind that knows how to make decisions really yet. And so you have to go, you know what, if there's a chance my baby could drown or there's a chance my baby could start gulping water, if there's a chance my baby could sink underwater for even 30 seconds before I could get to it,

don't chance that man don't put your baby in peril now if you want the baby to swim be there right by it so that if it gets into trouble you can grab it but I would err on the side of not endangering the baby or putting the baby in jeopardy especially for the sake of shooting a cute little video now here's the next video I saw somebody I saw on just the other day somebody put a little video up of a little kid probably two years old okay a little more advanced the kid had hair the kid was standing but still a little baby defenseless baby playing with the family dog which was this great big white

fluffy like husky type dog and you know the dog looked friendly the dog was panting the dog had kind eyes it was a go had a gorgeous coat i mean it was a type of A type of dog, you just want to hug, but it was a full-grown dog. And the mother's sitting there filming it. The video starts with the kids sticking his fingers in the dog's open mouth because he's panting. You can see his canine teeth. His tongue's hanging out. The kid's like grabbing at the tongue and putting his fingers in the mouth.

The dog very patiently like turns away. and then the kid starts pulling on its hair, pulling the hair on its head, hugging it around the neck, and the dog's like looking at the kid, like, what do I do here? And then the kid starts, like, slapping it on the muzzle, right between the eyes.

You know, a playful little baby, you know, slapped. But nonetheless, striking the dog right in the face and on the muzzle, very sensitive areas. and I'm just watching this thing going This isn't cute I'm waiting for that dog to snap Because dogs are just instant They're instantaneous

They can, when they hit They can go from sitting there Like just, you know, there's dopey look on their face They just snap The way a human would snap They probably get irritated Or they feel threatened Remember they're animals

and they're descendants of wolves, which are top apex predators. And I don't know. Just to allow a kid to hug and molest and assault a full-grown dog is just to me bad business, man. You're just asking for it. It's stupid. And here's the thing.

The dog could turn on a kid in the blink of an eye. A dog could turn around and snap at the kid and bite the kid, and then it's over in a second, but the damage is done. Or the dog could do what a lot of dogs do. They turn, they grip something in their mouth, and they're angry, or their hunting instinct kicks in, or their defense mechanisms stick in, and they just grip and shake.

You ever seen a dog grab a squirrel? I've seen it, man. They grab a squirrel, snap, they get it in their jaws, and just shake it around like no tomorrow. And that squirrel is dead. And, you know, I don't know. I have no inclination. If I ever have kids, I have no inclination to make my baby

a YouTube star. Now, if my kid's sitting in the high chair with a bowl of pudding and starts putting it on his face, if my kid I happen to be filming and my kid throws a Kleenex at the camera or pops a balloon in his face by accident,

something accidentally happens. Okay. But to stage my little defenseless baby, throwing it in water, having it hug, giant canine dogs with teeth, and who knows what a dog's temperament is? You know, a lot of dog attacks in the world come from the family dog. They're animals, and they have moods, and they have temperaments, and they have dispositions,

and they have instincts, and they have territory issues. and you don't know when the dog's going to go off. So to allow your kid to stand there for minutes and pull on its hair and smash of the face. Come on, people. Grow up, man. Grow up. Please. Look out for your kid.

Good night, Nellie Frittato. Anyways, kind of a... heavy thing to end the show on, but I'm just looking, I'm just, I'm just putting out the safety flags here. Come on, folks. Your parents, your instinct should be to protect your kid, keep your kid shielded from danger. Don't put your kid in the line of fire for the sake of some YouTube glory. The results could be disastrous. So there you go. My stern warning, my, uh, my cautionary tale to you and we'll leave it there

we'll leave it right there oh yeah very stern very you've been you've been talked to okay parents you know what I just want I want you to wrap your baby up and just hang it in the closet

in a pouch okay that's what I want I want you to buy a little straight jacket for your baby and I want you to put the baby in the meat cellar or in the closet or wherever you have to do. I want you to isolate the baby from the world. I don't want anything to touch it. I want you to put it up in a tree with rope and just let it sit up there until it's 14 and it can't be exposed to anything or put it up on your roof.

I want you to tie it to your roof and go up and feed it three times a day but it can't come off the roof till it's 14, okay? I want your kid protected. I want your kid shielded. Have fun with your kid, but don't be an idiot. That's my bottom line. Okay, good enough.

I hope those kids are all right. Wah! What do we got going? here. What do we got going, man? Hey, don't forget to check out harloweems.com. You can write me at harlough williams.com. If you go there, you'll see a phone number. You can phone me and leave

messages at harloweems.com. You can disagree with me about babies on harlottwilms.com. You can go to our store. You can go to the website and see where I'm going to be performing under the stand-up heading. Just click on there.

And it's all kinds of fun, man. All kinds of fun. Okay, man. What's coming up for me? I'm going to be doing a gig in Huntsville, Ontario, Canada. That's a cottage country. August 8th, I'm going to be doing the Huntsville Comedy Fest. It's one night only Thursday, August 8th, at the Huntsville Theater right there on Main Street.

It's going to be great. going to be fun. And then you can see me later on in the month, August 15th to the 18th at Marco Island, Florida. It's a great comedy club, great seafood restaurant in there. It's all on a little island resort, way down there in southern Florida. So there you go, gang. Check it out.

That's all we have time for today. I got to go pick up my baby. I left it down at the zoo. in the gorilla cage. Uh, so I got to run, but be good. Thanks for listening. We'll catch you next time here on the Harland Highway. And until then, chicken.

Show me, baby.