The Harland Highway - 505 - Harland does stand up LIVE at Hollywood comedy club!

Episode Date: August 1, 2013

Back by popular demand Harland shares one of his 'Winging it' stand up sets, recorded live at the Hollywood Improv! Giggle all over your wiggle!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're on the Harland Highway. Yeah, baby. All right, I tried to seduce you with a sexy singing voice to try and get you to listen to the podcast, but I guess if you're already here, you were already intent on listening to the podcast. And I just wasted one of my top seductive moves for no reason at all. I could have been serenating a Victoria's Secret model somewhere in Brazil, but I just burned through that and, wow, dumb move.

Really cool show today, interesting, a little different. This is a show where at the beginning, I'm going to take a bunch of your phone calls because it occurred to me that a bunch of the phone calls that were coming in where in reference to me doing a couple of podcasts where I played for you some clips of me doing stand-up comedy live at local comedy clubs, me playing clips of yours truly getting up on stage and working on new material and stuff like that.

So a lot of people were requesting more, as you'll hear in these phone calls. And so on today's show, you're going to get more. I'm going to play you some more of me live at the show. the local comedy club on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you

Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-yo I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Many years of therapy Many, many many Fucking years of therapy I will kill you Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get.

It's the Harland Highway. Hey there, Narland Fillmore. Wait. Who am I talking to? Now, anybody, this is your friend, Tim. I just wanted to call in and say that I love hearing some of your stand-up. And I think you should make it a regular thing. You know, maybe, like, bi-weekly or something, because I was laughing so much, so much with

each of the ones that you had in these last few episodes. So, as always, love your show. I'm a faithful pavement ponder. And, yeah, man, keep living the dream, brother. Wow, okay. So I've been getting some phone calls from you guys. As you know, from time to time, I throw up. up one of my live stand-up sets.

What I do is I drop in at a local comedy club, and as I told you, I go up on stage and I just kind of wing it. I try to work on new material. Sometimes I throw in an old joke here and there, but for the most part, I try to work on new stuff, and, you know, I improvise with the crowd. I deal with hecklers. I just kind of flow. my writing process. And lately, every now and then, I put up one of my quick little 15 or 20

minutes sets. And I've been getting some great feedback from you guys, the pavement pounders. Some people are loving it. Some people are reading into it maybe too much. Some people are relating to it. Here's another little quick call. Yeah, Harlan, definitely record and play more of those improvised sets and great stuff. Well, cool. I'm glad you like it. You know what? I've actually got some more of that stuff coming up for you right here. And let's listen to a little bit more of the feedback from people

and get the reaction to me doing these kind of wing-it-style comedy sets. That's why I'm eating sunflower seeds, because I want to be a flower child. Hey, this is Rev Pops calling from Detroit. Anyway, I listened to your live recording of your stand-up gig. I've been a minister of 35 years all over North America, Mexico City, to Toronto, Ontario. It was a little painful. I'd appreciate if you could go over some of the highlights

and explain what you were trying to do because you've said some old jokes like the marshmallow ghost farts. that's old as the hills so it seemed like maybe you were trying like what was that about were you trying to reset trying to think of another original thing or go off on another tangent

it's interesting the creative process I'm a songwriter I have a creative process I'm just interested you know what was going on what was going on with that I understand why you gave the false name at first that but the actual process like the way you were dealing with the hecklers

the lady gets up and walks out why would you not just assume that the babysitter didn't call why did you take it personally okay as a minister that struck me you know you're a successful guy but you're not a superstar like jim carrie one of your buddies but you're not a nobody you can go to the mall you can go to the comedy club and you're somebody

you could be somebody that but you can still have you're in a really good place but you're not fulfilled i know this as a minister there's a there's some there's some spirit that christ has to put into your heart you haven't really found your dream yet and this is connected to the marriage thing uh women sense this they know that you're not completely confident give me a call i think i had the answer for you i'm involved in a lot of projects uh here and overseas i think that i have a project that i personally could work with you on give you a big boost all right peace and love peace and love pops uh wow wow

there's a guy uh minister who appreciated uh the the improvised stand-up set and also uh was able to give me a little life counseling relationship counseling and uh had some interesting insights into my spirituality. Hey, I don't mind the free assessment. Not really going to concur that you're accurate, but there's probably a sprinkle of truth to everything. Interesting insights. And as far as dropping in the marshmallow joke or the, it's like I said, you know, I'm up on stage free wheeling it. So every now and then if I draw a blank or I'm kind of spinning,

and my wheels trying to think of the next thing to say. Maybe I'll drop in an oldie to keep the flow going. And I'm glad you mentioned about the lady leaving to check her phone because Pops, even you with your insights, I kind of tricked you, man. That's part of the art of working a crowd. Is everything you do, you make it seem like it's real. And in this instant, I guess a lady got up. She walked out or she got on her cell phone to text or something.

And it sounds like you thought I took it for real and was upset with her. Couldn't be further from the truth, pops. All that stuff up on stage, it's all for a fact. It's all me pretending I'm upset to get into the bit, to create some emotion, to create some conflict, to create some comedy. So whatever you thought it sounded like, you're a little off on that assessment. Don't mean to burst the bubble, but that's part of the art of being on stage and taking over a crowd and commanding the crowd.

Most comedians, even when it might look like they're losing it, that might even be staged. for effect. Now, not to say some comedians don't lose it, but a guy like me, nope. All that stuff you heard was in my brain choreographed and well mapped out. And that's why I wing it because I like to flex that muscle. I like to deal with unexpected events, problems, things that happen in the audience.

And it's my job to create the illusion that stuff's happening in the moment and I get to take it wherever I want. So interesting call. Let's take one more and then we'll get to the bit, my fresh live stand-up bit. The next call is by a guy who can relate to it because he's a musician and he likes to improvise with his music the way I like to improvise on stage with my comedy. So I guess we're kind of kindred spirits, and he was able to relate to my methodology up on the stand-up stage. Take a listen, and then we'll go right to the fresh stand-up clip. Hey, Harlan, what's up, man?

This is Mark from Ottawa, Ontario. I'm sure you know where that is. I just listened to your podcast, the one where you played one of your stand-up routine. and I just wanted to tell you I think it's really awesome that that's the way you do your writing is that you just bring stuff live, some ideas, put it together

and half the stuff that you said was gold so I agree with your other listener there I think you definitely need to record more of your shows and I mean you already put out like two podcasts a week I think you could put out a third one and every third one could just be a stand-up routine, and I would listen to it and laugh just as hard as any of the other ones.

Anyway, yeah, and one of the reasons that I really enjoyed this one was because, personally, I'm a musician, and I used to rehearse songs, and I used to do all that, and it's kind of the equivalent of, I guess, writing your jokes down first, but now what I do is I do some improvisational music, and it's kind of the same thing. They had a lot of sounds together that I like, and I don't have anything solid. I just have stuff that works together and sounds good together.

And then I sit down and I do a podcast myself once or twice a week, usually twice a week, where I just sit down with some sounds, and sometimes I'll have the guitars, sometimes I'll have drums. Sometimes I'll use all electronic sounds, and I just sit down and I just gel it out. And it's cool to see that not only in music but also in comedy that works. and definitely take some more of your stand-up routine because it's hilarious, man. You're doing a great job. All right, much love. Bye-bye.

Much love. Thank you so much for the calls, all of you guys. And without further ado, I wanted to play those calls for you just so you could hear some feedback on these clips that I play. So without further ado, let's get to it. I believe this is a clip of me jumping up on stage. the improv in Hollywood and just letting her rip. You might hear a couple of the oldies, you'll hear newies, you'll hear all kinds of stuff.

I hope you enjoy it. And just so you know, you'll hear some music playing as I walk up on stage and you'll hear me talking to musicians. This was kind of a unique show where they decided to have like a six, seven piece, a little band on the stage. So talk about making life even more difficult for a stand-up comedian. Imagine doing a show where there's people sitting all around you, literally about three feet away from you. Like these musicians were around me in kind of a horseshoe.

So it was a little unnerving and just added to the madness and you'll hear them drop in with some of their music. So this is me. winging it on stage. All right. Give them a hand, folks. You're kidding me? Unbelievable.

Wow. Give this guy a hand the most. Here. It's right. clearly better than the rest of the people. I have two passions in my friends. Sir, going to shout. I have two passions in life.

One is snorkeling. Well, if you're going to laugh, maybe I'll walk up stage. One is snorkeling, and the other one is I love to blow those New Year's Eve party whistles that roll out like that. So now what I do is I snorkel, and whenever I come across a seahorse, I blow in its nose and watch its little tail roll out. What a blast. Did you know that albinos are just ghosts that can't float? I mean, have you ever tried throwing an albino through a wall? They don't go through, they just smash the drywall.

And their little red eyes that are red because of lack of pigment become red and full of blood. It's a rainbow's spectacular at Baskin-Robins, my friends. Well, we all know summers just to a certain. We all know summers here, gang, and it's rock climbing season, and here's what I like to do. I like to go to Mount Rushmore. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Eat a can of Van Camp Beans. Sir, Van.

And then you put camp on the end. Sir, Van Camp. I eat a can of Van Camp beans at the base of Mount Rushmore. And then I roped my way right up into Abraham Lincoln's nose and fart for half an hour. Right in the guy's fucking nose, huh? That's a blast. Did you know that dinosaurs were not killed by the Ice Age?

Dinosaurs were not killed by meteors. Gang? Dinosaurs were eaten by rocks. You cut a rock open, chances are you'll find a skeleton. The dinosaur. There are some rocks who just laying dorm and waiting for us hit that dinosaur population beacon, and then we're goner. Sir, I know you have a rock garden because I watch you a lot.

watch you a lot. You're going to go first, Tiger Lily Thunder Clay. Sir, I like your hat, obviously, you're off to steal 101 Dalmatians later. I didn't like that.

I don't like the kids. I don't like the kids in my neighborhood. It was so scared that this is what I do. I bought a pole of shirt, huh? I bought a rugby shirt, black and red stripes, and I bought a crazy, like, fedora, an old beat-up hat. And what I do is I pull my nutsack over my face, and I pretend I'm Freddy Kruger. And young fucking kids have been real quietly. I got a brand new car gang, I got a Kia.

Well, wait a minute. Actually, I put it together myself as an Ikea. Of course, I put it together wrong the first time, so I've been driving a four-wheel drive bump in around for two weeks. The cruise control sure is relaxing. Did you know that the lower part of your leg is a baby cow? And this is one of nature's defense systems, gag. There's a lot of survivor shows on TV where guys get lost in the wilderness and

start eating bulrushes and pine trees. Folks, next time, sir, ma'am, you're not a sir. Next time you're lost in the wilderness, don't eat tree bark or a pine cones guy. Shot your fucking cats off and enjoy some delicious deal, huh? It's just delicious that stuff. Life can be hard, sir, be your shirt.

Life can be overwhelming. And psychologically, young fellow, it takes its toll on us. And we all need to get away. Some of us turn to prayer, sir, some of us turn to meditation. God, some people turn to masturbation. How many times of the orgasm today, sir? Uh, I can't count. You can't count, why not?

Were your hands squeaked off in a long arm at times? If it was two, you could just hold up two nubs and have the answer to it. I guess there's more than two, so you're fucked, dude. Well, here's what I do to get away, and I want you all to try. I said, this is for real. Earlier I was fucking around. This is for real. Here's what I do to get away from the weight of the world,

which is crushing down on me right now as I stand in front of all these strangers. I get in my car. I get in my car. I get in my car. I get in my Akeel. I drive out to the countryside as far as I can go until I find a field

full of blowing green grass huh, gang? I get out of my car, sir. I take off all my clothes. Sir, I need you to picture me naked right now. I take off all my clothes. I step over the barbed wire fence.

careful to cut my testicles because they hang low like that thing that dangles on the throat of a moose. I walked through the field, the blowing green grass, nudity, I approached the grazing horse standing on the horizon line. Man, I slowly, gently, I gently slowly slowly. stroked the horse's side. And when the moment's just right, Bladis and Cattleman, I twirled my cubes into the horse's mane

and I pretend I'm an avatar. Man, what's your name right here? Man, I'm looking right at you, like a fuck. an owl. What's your name, ma'am? Annie.

Okay. Okay. Born in Massachusetts, 1974, attended Yale. He's got to need finances. A single was dating a gentleman from Boston. Worked at Best Buy. Yeah, that's right, bitch. You've been Googled.

How you doing, sir? You ever wake up at 3 in the morning and fill your ass crack full of cold sloth? I feel kind of selfish. I've been doing jokes just for me up here. Let's do one. for the gang. Sir, give me a topic, and I'm going to do a joke that this is for the gang, sir. You pick a topic. Holidays, okay, holidays, excellent. Holidays.

A measurement of time created by humans to create a void in their busy schedules in the calendar year. calendar year invented by early civilizations the Greeks. Greeks, who are human beings, who are made up of many organisms, and believe in God, which is a giant energy that goes out beyond the fastest regions of our understanding. It goes beyond the realms of our comprehension.

comprehension. And because of that, sir, I can't do the fucking joke. Thanks for fucking up the show, sir. Sir, are you writing something down there? You pulled out a little book. What were you writing down? Your material. My material?

I wouldn't call it material. I feel like shit. Speaking of shit, you ever make origami with your toilet paper? And wipe your ass with a swan? I tell you, that porcupine didn't work out too well.

How old are you, kid? I was making 101 Dalmatian jokes about your lawyer. Give me a child. Drum roll, and now I missed it. No, like a rim shot. No, a rim shot, like I did a joke. Thank you.

How old are you? How old? 30 years old? Are you worried about getting old? No, not you, Highlander. Dude, fuck, I just chew my neck out. I didn't ask for that one. Fucking through a vertebrae.

You're fucking asshole. We do this every week. You ever shove a Rothweiler down your pants? I had one right here right now. You have one right here right now. Sir, I was fucking around. Here's my final bit, gang, and then I've got to get out of here. benefit of the Diarrhea Center.

I got to run to the Diarrhea Festival. Dude, have you ever banged Kenny G? I'm just asking, he's got a sacks. You imagine the noise you two would make? Just down a two orp is getting hit by a cement truck. All right, I got one more. I have time for one more. I got a piauss.

They resist the assay. Here's the reason I was asking the dog thief, a question about his head. I don't think we get old, ladies and gentlemen, and I hope this calms you. I hope this gives you solace deep inside your gurgling, floping too. We don't get old, ladies and gentlemen, when we hit our 70s, we don't age, I've realized we turn into

Belociraptor. When you hit about 70 years old, your back starts to hunch over, right? Your legs start to fall. Your elbow start to come in. Your fucking arthritis trills your fingers up. You walk through pumping hair. Start looking around real slow with great fucking eyes. Start licking your lips.

Your voice goes all gravelly and start yelling incoherent shit like, gr-h-hah! Dude, is there fucking jiffy pop in that hat? Give me a little bit of horses no name. I'm gonna go out on a song. Horse from No Name by America. Three, two, one, horse from no name, go. Oh, oh, oh, love.

Oh, oh, oh. Shalala. La. La. La. La. Oh, la. La.

What, you'll steal a hundred dollars when you won't sniff my hairy Armenian ass? Not even Armenian. Hey, happy holidays, Dan. You'll see if the diarrhea from them. there it is there it is gang that's me um there it is that's me up on stage uh just jumping up at the improv the world famous improv comedy club on melrose avenue in hollywood california and uh just a sneak peek into my process how i write how i uh come up with material i just kind of let it come out and uh feel it and uh trying to work it and uh i'm glad

you uh you guys dig it thanks for your uh your phone calls your emails uh your interest and uh yeah man if you guys like this stuff i'll uh i'll uh throw one up here now and then and uh we'll all have some chuckles together. Oh, oh, oh, but that is the end of our show, dedicated to some stand-up comedy today. Very nice. What can I tell you? I'm going to be doing a show in Huntsville, Ontario, Canada.

On Thursday, August 8th, it's the Huntsville Comedy Festival, Summer Comedy Fest, and I'll be at the Huntsville Theater right there on Main Street. in Huntsville, Ontario. So get your tickets for that. And then August 15th to the 18th, I'll be down in Florida on a place called Marco Island. There's a great comedy facility there. And I'll be down there.

Check me out. So that's it, gang. Thanks for being here. Maybe we'll see you at the Comedy Club one day. And until then, Um, you know, chicken. Chaumain. Buba, baby.