The Harland Highway - 506 - Harland chases DRAGONS, Senior Fuentes, and snails.

Episode Date: August 5, 2013

Harland goes on safari to search for the incredible KOMODODRAGON'S of Indonesia, Senior Fuentes drops by the studio, and a brand new skin treatment using garden critters. Slap my knapsack!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you. Weird lyrics. Like you literally have to light yourself on fire to burn for someone. So I take that back. I'm not burning for you, but we are burning down the Harland Highway podcast. Welcome, everybody. I'm Harlan Williams, your host. Glad to have you on board.

Good show today. Good, good show today. I'm going to tell you all about my vacation. I had an incredible, incredible vacation. As you know, I was away for a while. We played a bunch of flashback episodes, and it's only fair that I let you in on my wild adventures. And believe me, I went to some very exotic places

that I think you might find interesting. So hang in there for that update. Senor Fuentes is dropping by, much to my chagrin, my gardener. I don't know why, but he always seems to drop by. And he gets me upset. But maybe there's something that can calm me, something that can soothe me. How about I lay down, go to a spa, lay down, and let them put snails on my face. Live snails.

Yeah, that's a new beauty trend happening right now. We have to talk about snails on your face, because this is the slimy, Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-o

There's glasses I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy Many many many Fucking years of therapy

I will kill you Listen, lame, brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Oh, man, I can't wait to tell you about what happened to me last night. What?

No. No! Oh, no. Roger! No! Oh, what is he doing here? What is my gardener doing here, Roger? Oh, come on. I'm doing a podcast.

What the hell are you doing here, Fuentes? My name is Senor Fuentes. I know who you are. You're my gardener. Do you see a garden in here? No, senor, I don't. Well, but your hair is awful messy, senor. Stop it.

I am doing a podcast. I've told you a hundred times do not come in here with your gardening stuff. Senor, I had to come in today. It was an emergency. Oh, really? Why did you have to come in here today? Because I have to give you the bird, senor. Wait a minute.

Don't come in here and be giving me the bird, all right? Why not, signore? I already gave it to your neighbors. What are you talking about? I gave your neighbors the bird this morning, signor. Oh, great. What the hell? Yes, signor.

Oh, I saw them in the driveway and I walked right up. to them. I give all of them the bird. Who was in the driveway? The family that lives next door, the old lady, the mother, the father, the four children, even the baby I gave the bird to, Signor. Look,

there's a thing we have in this country called etiquette. You don't give the bird to families and children and an old lady? Oh yes, signor. She could barely see so I had to put the bird right up in her old face. I think she had a mustache.

to stop saying that about old lady hulahan oh signor i put the bird right in her face oh my god they're gonna sue me and then the little girl she was so cute seor and her little pink dress and her piggy tails yes well then i gave her the bird too senor oh my god you idiot but really i thought it best i come down here because once i gave them the bird they told me to come down here and give you the bird, signor. Look, I don't know why they said that. I get along with them. There's no reason why they should want me to have the bird.

Well, senor. No, look, you give me the bird and you're fired. I've been dying to give you the bird, signor. Please. No, Fuentes, okay? You've been my gardener for how long? Fifteen and a half years, senor. Fifteen, wonderful.

wonderful, just most excellent years. Are you being sarcastic? I'm not sure what that means, signor. I really don't. All right, smart guy. Maybe it's time you do give me the bird. Maybe this is a good reason for me to fire your ass. You know, you've been coming in here, stirring up trouble at my show, interrupting, barging in here.

There's leaves in your hair. There's lady bugs on your neck. There's ants on your pants. Oh, I like it when you rhyme and do children's stories, signor. Do some more. What? Ants in your pants. That wasn't a children's rhyme.

That was, you've got friggin' ants on your pants. Oh, ow. Oh, oh, senor, you're right. I've got, oh, ow. Stop screaming and jumping around in here, Fuentes. That's Senor Fuentes. All right, fine. You want to give me the bird, Fuentes?

Has this been building up in you? You don't like working for me? My money's not good enough. I never said that, Signor. Come on, go ahead. You want to do it? I dare you. Man up, Fuentes.

Go ahead. Give me the bird. Ready? I'll even count it down for you. Ready? Three, two, one. Give me the bird. Okay, senor.

Here it is. What the hell is that? It's the bird, signor. What do you mean? It's the bird. I've been trying to tell you, I gave your neighbors the bird, and then they just told me I should come down here and give you the bird. What bird?

The little bird in my hand, senor, it fell out of the nest in your tree in your backyard. Are you telling me you tried to give my neighbors a real bird? Yes, signor, I didn't know what to do. The poor little thing was flapping around like a little child with crooked legs that fell out of a wheelchair. Don't say that. So it's a real bird. It sure is, Signor.

Get out of here. But, Signor, the bird, just get out of here. This is unbelievable. Had me thinking that, Signor, take the bird. Get out of here. Did you just flip me off? No, Signor, I gave you the bird. Get out!

Moron. Complete. another moron. Thanks for letting them in again, Raj. Now I'm all discombobulated. What was I going to talk about my vacation? So as you know, I was away for a while in the summer here, the early part. We played a lot of flashback episodes, and you're thinking, well, where the hell did he go, man?

Where the hell he'd be at? and where I was was a very unique place I got to tell you about it I went to a place called Komoto Island Now have you ever heard of these giant lizards the Komodo dragons

They're huge These things grow like 10 to 12 feet long They're the biggest lizards in the world They can run up to 40 kilometers an hour I mean these things are fast They hunt buffalo and deer.

Okay, most lizards eat like bugs and butterflies and lemons. These things take down full-grown water buffalo and full-grown deer. When was the last time you saw a lizard do that? Okay, so Komoto Island is a island off the coast of Indonesia. And it's a big island, and there's three other islands. and there's three other little islands around Komoto Island where the Komoto dragon lives. The only place in the world, these giant lizards live.

And they're very extreme. They're very prehistoric. They're quite incredible to look at. And I've had my eye on them for a long time. You know, I've always been a fan of the critters and the monsters and the animals. and I've been to Africa on safari, and I've been up in the jungles with the gorillas, and blah, blah, blah. But I've always wanted to go and see these incredible creatures that are only found on one specific place on our planet. So I did it.

I took the 20-hour flight from Los Angeles all the way over there, and it was great, man. It was great. I actually went on a little safaris. and actually encountered some of these giant lizards, very intimidating, very big, and they're not afraid to attack a man. If they get you and you're not paying attention, they will chase you down,

and they will bite you and try to eat you if they get the chance. And I respect that. I like that. I like my lizard safaris to have consequences. so here we are we're staying at this resort on a little island just off of Komodo and we took like this hour-long boat trip over to one of the islands where the Komodo dragons lived and it was very dramatic we pulled into this little cove and they had like a grass thatched hut like an entrance it looked like a thatched roof

and then it kind of reminded me a lot of the the gates to Jurassic Park. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Now, you might want to clear the phlegm out of your throat, professor. Welcome to Jurassic Park. But anyways, very dramatic. So the boat pulls up to this dock and we get out of the dock. And when I say we, I went with my sister.

Me and my sister went, my sister Megan. And it was great. And we get out and we go walk through this. big archway and all of a sudden we're kind of in this national park where these protected giant lizards live and we weren't in there we got lucky we got very lucky we weren't in there like five minutes and all of a sudden like clamoring down the side of this big rocky grassy embankment this this cliff our guide we had to go with a ranger you had to go on the trek with a experienced park ranger.

You weren't allowed to go by yourself because these are dangerous animals, dangerous reptiles. And as we're walking in, he screams, Camato! Camano! And we turn around, and here's this giant lizard lumbering down the side of this cliff

through the grass over the rocks. And I'm telling you, man, it just looked so cool. It was like, what a grand entrance. We were just thrilled. And then the thing kind of came all the way down, came to, like, our level. And we were able to, like, kind of walk beside it, but at a good distance. We were probably about 50 feet away from it. But it was kind of trucking through the mangroves and through a little river.

And the ranger said, you're very lucky because during the day when the sun's out, these guys need to stop and bake. and because they're cold-blooded, they need to absorb the sun. So this time of day we were there, you don't always get to see these giant lizards being active. And so here we were where this guy just motoring along with us. And what a thrill. And just the way they move and the way they look, they have a great big guy. It's almost like a two and a half, three-foot tongue that comes out of their mouths.

This great big, like, snake tongue. And it's pink, and they're constantly, it's constantly darting. in and out of their mouths sniffing they use their tongues to smell the air detect particles in the air that leads them to prey or water or other lizards or

whatever's going on. Arby's whatever they're looking for. Gotta get to Arby's. Arbys Hey everybody who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to

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And so this was a thrill. This was a really cool trip over to Komoto Island. Saw several other Komodo dragons. I mean, how often do you go on a trip and you're looking for dragons? I don't think there's any other... Is there any other species on the planet with the name dragon in it?

That's up for the dragon lady down at the acupuncture shop. Oh, I stick needles in your forehead now. And she hits you in the face with her tongue. Oh, okay. And again, these things are intimidating. They're right out of Jurassic Park. They look like dinosaurs, man. really thrilling and that was part A and here's part B that I wasn't even really expecting to be so great.

I knew it existed but the place where we were staying was a resort on a little private island and it turns out and I didn't know this but the Indian Ocean and the Pacific Ocean collide rate at Indonesia. In fact, rate where we were staying, we were kind of right on the border of of where these two massive bodies of water, these two oceans crash together. And because it's two different current systems and two different temperatures and all that stuff, this thing is a buffet of nutrients, and it's just the diversity of fish and sea creatures

that all come together in this one spot, apparently turns out it's some of the best diving in the entire world. So cut to me and my sister going out like two, three times a day. They're taking us out in boats all over these little islands. And we're dropping down, swimming with sharks. We're swimming with sea turtles. We're swimming with giant mantarays.

These great big black, they look like underwater stealth bombers. And these things are hovering underwater, and they're huge. They're like, you know, 15 feet wide, 16. 15 feet wide, and they're allowing us to, like, almost hover right on top of them. And we're fighting currents, and they're just floating there effortlessly. Swimming with some sharks, swimming with barracudas, trillions of different fish, and the coral, the coral reefs are beyond description. I'll tell you what, man.

You know, you think you'll go down, you see, oh, there's a clump of coral, there's some more coral. It wasn't like that. It was like you ever put wall-to-wall carpeting in your house? That's what it looked like there. The ocean floor was, you couldn't see the sand, you couldn't see the gravel, because there was a carpet of anemones and coral and sponges and sea fans, and it was just the colors

and the shapes and the forms and the diversity of all that stuff. trillions of tropical fish, colored fish, big, small, medium. I mean, this was like dropping into Avatar, man. If you're ever at a point in your life and you're tired of the same old scenery, okay, you ride the subway to work every day, or you get in the traffic jam every day, or you ride your bike every day and you sit in your cubicle every day, or you sit at your desk every day and you come home and watch TV every day

and everything kind of starts to look the same. And you need to recharge your battery and know that there's something else in this world. I'm telling you right now, man, it doesn't necessarily have to be Indonesia, but go underwater somewhere tropical and snorkel or scuba dive. Because the minute you go below the surface,

you just immerse yourself into a little. whole new world. When you go to a place that is flourishing with sea life, I'm telling you, man, it just takes you away. It takes you away. You literally submerge yourself into another dimension, another world. And the life that's swirling around you and the color and the stimuli and the beauty, oh my God. It's a canvas. It's nature's canvas that it's most colorful, it's most diverse, it's, it's finest. It's like Van Gogh went underwater and painted everything. He's like, look at all those gray rocks.

I shall go underwater and paint everything with my magical color brush. I don't know why he's British. I think he was German or French. I think he was French, actually. Or maybe, no, Danish maybe. I don't know. He's Van Gogh. He can be whatever you want him to be.

Oh, ho! But what I'm saying is if you need a break in life and you want to believe that there's more than just the gray landscape if your life has become kind of bleak, go there. And it doesn't end there because the pictures you take with your mind, the feelings you have, well, you're underwater and you become part of this aquamarine ecosystem. Your brain takes snapshots, and whenever you're having a bad day or a bland moment where you're just sitting on the subway or you're at the food court staring at a neon egg roll, your mind will replay these moments you are underwater and replenish your soul. They'll fill you up with a sense of wonderment and a sense of imagination and a sense of awe. And you just go, how can all these moving pieces work?

How does this tapestry come together? And so here I was. I went to see these wicked-looking Komodo dragon monsters, and I got all that, which was fantastic and amazing. And then as a bonus, I got this whole underwater world thrown at me, and it was a mind-blower. It was thrilling and exciting, and, you know, I think about it often.

The scenery I saw underwater replays in my head a lot. It stays with me. And I'd had that experience earlier in life when I'd dived in Fiji and Bermuda and, you know, Costa Rica and, you know, all kinds of Hawaii, Bermuda, all kinds of crazy places. But it's really good for the soul. It's nurturing. So just a travel tip. thing you have to go to Komodo but somewhere where you can get underwater and assimilate with the marine life so there you go man that that's like kind of the broad

strokes of my vacation it was a lot of fun it was a great getaway uh i was gone for a while so uh i hope you enjoyed all the uh flashback shows and got caught up i think we got up to number 16 and we only have to go to number 41 or 42 is where they kind of those were the ones that didn't make it into the Harland Highway archives so we'll keep doing the backlog and we'll stick a few in here and there maybe we'll play another flashback show next week or the week after just to keep keep them getting into the system and yeah great great Recharge the batteries. And like I said, if you ever get the chance to get into that underwater kaleidoscope,

I would definitely put it on your bucket list. Don't do it when you're old. Like do it now. Do it. When I say bucket list, I mean live for today. Don't go, well, yep, when I'm 85 and my feet are crooked. And I've got veins running up the middle of my forehead. Well, I'm going to start doing stuff, by golly.

I'm going to start living. No, no, no. Your bucket list should start today. Whether you're 18, 25, 55, don't sit around and wait for life. Don't think, oh, I'll do it. You know, that's what people do when they retire. Retire.

By the time you retire, you're too old and crotchety and worn out to want to do any of this stuff. Build your life experiences now, ladies and Fenerdle Dargans. build on today get it get it in there now man so just a recommendation just a suggestion

and had a great time good to be back and let's move on the Harland Highway crazy news story that's weird that's strange stuff

yeah it's time it's time for a crazy news story, boys and girls. How about this? How far would you go to have good skin? And, you know, this probably is more for the ladies than the men, but nowadays, you know, it seems men are a lot more primped than they used to be. Remember?

There was a time when men would just have wind-swept faces from riding across the prairies and pulling cod in out in the sea. They had those Clint Eastwood wrinkles around their eyes and the kind of the dry lips and the ruffled eyebrows. Nowadays, they're just, oh, I can't tell who's the man and who's the woman. Oh, Charles. But listen to this, man. I don't know.

This might be going over the edge, okay? Slimy, live-crawling snails used in Japanese facials. Yeah. Snail slime face cream is what I'm talking about. Would you let live snails crawl around on your face in hopes of achieving a softer, smoother, and more youthful-looking appearance? Sadly, I bet there's women out there that would.

I mean, God, if they'll go into a. plastic surgeon's office and have their face chuffed up and pumped full of, you know, plastic or whatever the hell it is. Why not have snails on your face? Well, anyways, this new facial treatment offered in a Tokyo spa involves snails maneuvering all over one skin, live snails. The slimy mucus left behind the shelled creatures supposedly provide. beneficial properties to the skin,

easing inflammation and providing moisture. Are you kidding me? Do you not own a washcloth? Do you have a washcloth in your bathroom there, madam? So this is a $250 celebrity escargo treatment offered by a Tokyo salon. and you also get a facial massage and use of an electrical pulse machine. Okay, why not electrocute the little snails while they're on your face?

Maybe you can cook them and actually eat them as escargo. There's always going to be that beauty innovation. I'm sure you guys remember the fish-eating pedicure. Have you seen that one where women put their feet in a fish tank and all the little minnows swimming up and start pecking at all the skin flakes on your feet. Dude, fish, come on, man. Don't be eating no skin flakes.

Now, although this treatment may be getting some traction overseas, it doesn't appear to have caught on in the United States. Oh, really? Maybe because we're not insane? But then again, people in the United States like to eat. So maybe it would catch on better if these snails were dipped in garlic butter before they let them crawl on your face. Now, the Japanese salon claims it's a celebrity facial.

But I don't know any celebrities, real celebrities that would ever want this. I can't imagine George Clooney laying down. Yeah, put some snails on my face. I don't know, a couple dozen. And, you know what, just for fun, give me a couple of slugs for up my nose. Yeah. I find those snails shells can't get up my nose.

So if you could just get some, I call them shellless snails, slugs. Yeah, yeah. Now, medical experts, of course, you've got to ask the question about the effectiveness of a treatment like this. Okay, now, I guess it's been proven that snail slime is rich in antioxidants and I guess something called

hyaluronic acid which can help plump the skin and this is from a cosmetic research and dermatology place at New York-Sinai Hospital but there's already stuff like that it's commercially available.

Where you just, you know, you go to the store. I'm going to have some face cream, please, and you slap it on and go to bed, and you look like Jim Carrey from the mask. But, oh, no, I don't want a jar of anything. Put some live snails on my face, man. Oh, boy. So it's quite the thing.

Maybe it will catch on in the United States. Who knows? You know, it seems like people are turning more and more to natural treatments in society. And I guess what's more natural than having snails crawl over your face. You know what I do? I like to put my... I'd like to put honey all over my face. Walk outside and lay face down in an ant nest.

I find that gives me a really nice skin peel. I like to go into work. You know, my face is rejuvenated. the ants of eating all the flesh off my face? Oh, yeah. I mean, can you imagine if this took off? Daddy, where's mommy?

Well, she's out there laying in the garden, son. Oh, my God. She's been eating alive. No, she's just getting a facial. I mean, that brings whole new meaning to the phrase I've got ants in my pants. Because now I'm wondering if you really do have ants in your pants. Hey, dude, are those ants in your pants?

Yeah, man, I stuck them down there. They eat the crabs. Okay, thanks. I got to go. Where are you going? I'm going to get some lady bugs put up my nose. Oh, cool. Can I come?

So, uh, there you go, man. Weird stuff. Uh, hope you like your bugs. And I don't know. It's not for me, man. It's not for me. So that brings us to the end of the show. Hope I'm bringing out feeling queasy and slimy,

and you're all like, you got the ickies. You're like, ooh, ew, gross. I bet Senor Fuentes would love that, man. I bet that's where that guy gets his skin done. He probably just does it out in my yard, lays down on his lunch break. Has a praying mantis pick his zits. You know,

Flentes is out there laying on the grass. Donut in one hand. A couple of preying mantises popping pus-filled zits on his face. Now I do have this squirmies. So let's get out of here while we still can before we all get sick. Don't forget, gang.

to be in Huntsville, Ontario, Canada at the Huntsville Comedy Festival. That's going to be August, Thursday, August, the 8th. One night only. The theater's right there on Main Street in Huntsville, Ontario. It's cottage country, and it's part of the Huntsville Comedy Festival. It's going to be a lot of fun. Get your tickets.

It's only one show, so it's going to sell out. You better jump to it. And then August 15th, check me out on Marco Island. in Florida. It's a small little resort island down by Naples, Florida. And I will be there. I will be there at the Marco Island Comedy Club. And that's going to be cool.

That's August 15th to the 18th. And please, please, everybody, please check out my website, harloweems. com. You can go to the store, buy some merch. You can check out my stand-up comedy. schedule, see if I'm coming to your town or city anytime soon. And also, you can write me at harlough williams.com, or you can call me.

You'll see the phone number at the website and leave a phone message. So there you go. We're going to wrap it up. I'm going to go get a millipede Brazilian out in the cabbage patch. And until next time, chicken, show me. Buh, bbba, baby?