The Harland Highway - 508 - Greedy people, a call from AUNT RUTHIE, Squirm story.

Episode Date: August 15, 2013

Today we discuss iPhoto hell, greedy people and the outcome, a call from Harland's AUNT RUTHIE, and a story that's guaranteed to make you SQUIRM in your seat. Salad my dressing!!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, darlings, it is I, Harlan, Zachary Williams. Wait, Zachary, what? Hey, gang, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, reaching out to you. Um, hope you're doing good. Hope you're having a cool time. Hope you're feeling groovy. Welcome to the podcast. I'm Harlem Williams, and I will be your host, your chaperone, your pimp,

for the next little while here as we go down the Holland Highway and have some laughs and some giggles and some chuckles and whatnot. Awesome show today. Today we're going to be talking about greed, American greed. Just a small example of it that I encountered that seems to be epitomized the problem of people wanting more in this country and sometimes it's not always a smart move. We're going to be talking about

iPhone hell. I don't know how many of you are Mac users and use I Photo or the cloud, the eye cloud, but I'm frustrated with it. We're going to talk about that. Aunt Ruthie is here. She's going to be calling in on my answering machine, Aunt Ruthie, and then to end the show

a very squirmy story that's going to make you squirm in your seats, I promise. Right here on the squirmy, Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway. Hey-o.

There's glasses. I will find you. My mom always said, you can't handle the truth. Many years of therapy. Many, many, many, many, many. fucking years of therapy I will kill you Listen lame brain

Let an expert show you how to do this The Harland Highway You never know what you're going to get It's the Harland Highway Badong I want to talk to you for a second About human greed This is a weird story man

But it's 100% true Okay And near where I live There is a a little strip mall. And in the strip mall, there's a couple of fast food joints and a bank. And it's right in the middle of Hollywood. And, you know, I've actually seen Quentin Tarantino there.

Me and him walked into the McDonald's one day. I was like, oh, cool, there's Quentin Tarantino getting a cheeseburger man. And it's kind of right in the thick of things, but it's a small little place. You know, you pull in and there's probably, I don't know, maybe there's like 40 parking spots, maybe 50. It's tight. It's a small little place. It's one of those strip malls.

It's got the massage place and the chicken place and the, you know, the photo place. And it's your typical mini mall strip thing. And it's been that way for years. It's been that way. It's been sitting there for like 15 years. And it's one of those places where, you know, if I, if I, need to quickly go grab something to eat or something, I'll whip down there. If I need to go to the bank, I'll whip in there, slam it in park, run in, go and do my thing

and take off. Okay, so a couple of months ago, I go into the place, and guess what? They've got those little electric arms and a gate, and it says, please take a ticket. You've got to pay for parking. And I'm like, are you kidding me for this little strip mall? We've got to pay for parking? And then it turns out the McDonald's and the bank validates the parking, still a pain in the ass, but they validate.

But all the other smaller guys in the plaza, in the strip mall, they don't validate. So if you go for a subway sandwich or you go for some chicken or you go to pick up your laundry, you're paying like three, four, five bucks. Whereas it used to be free. And I was like, you know what? That's just greed. That's just these guys know they got you by the Cajonis.

They're going to try and milk a few extra dollars out of you. And you know what? I went there once and I didn't know about it. I went in and I had to deal with it. And I'm not a cheap guy. Who cares about $3, $4. It was the principal. I was like, you guys are just going for the cash grab.

You're being stupid and greedy. And you know what? There's a million other fast food joints. I'll go down the street. Screw you. So guess what? I go by the other day. There's one of those guys out there,

the guys that stand there and dance with the signs. They're dressed all kooky. This guy was dancing with a sign that said free parking. So I drove in there after two months, and sure enough, right on these gates that come down, the electric gates just says free parking. And you know all those businesses started hurting. Everyone was like me.

They're like, screw you. We're not, we don't need the hassle. We don't need to pay two, three, dollars to come pick up a sandwich for lunch we're hardworking people we've been parking here for free there's enough little mini malls around that we can get away with it so screw you and they tried it and they had to they had to reverse it man so screw you guys for being greedy i hate that stuff and i boycotted it and everyone else did too and it serves them right i felt bad for the businesses, man.

All the businesses just started having no customers. So don't take more than you need. Just take what you need and don't get stupid and greedy. Thank you very much. Hello, Holland. This is your Aunt Ruthie from Rochester. Arland, that is the funniest character. I've heard on your show so far.

Aunt Ruthie is a freaking classic. She's a freaking hit. I am in tears laughing, listening to her. I just want to know, is she someone that you've developed over a long period of time? Or is this just something that you came up with recently?

Because she just seems so well-developed. beautiful en road day driving along with the tire smoking and sparking or whatever

thanks Harlan Hi this is Harland Hi this is Harland I'm not available right now so please leave me a message and I will get right back to you Thanks

Hello Hello Holland Hello Hello, Angel. It's your Aunt Ruthie crawling from Rochester, New York. How are you, Dahl? The summer started up here. There's flies all around, and it's just sticky as an old nun's fart.

It's just horrible up here. It's a stickier sister Teresa's farts after she's had a cabbage roll. I'm telling you, Roland. How are you, Angel? Listen, your Aunt Ruthie's driving around, and I stopped. gasoline at the petrol station angel and i don't know what happened but i left the gas cap flap open it's it just i see it in my rearview mirror right now as i'm driving down the road and i know holland i'm not supposed to be driving talking up my electronic cellular i know i'm not so hang me on a cross

right next to baby jesus and crucify me okay i've got an automobile a emergency hall and okay my gas flap is open and it's flapping around and people are pointing at me and honking and i don't know what to do i can't pull over how can i pull over with all this traffic around me so it's just it's like when your uncle harry you'll never forget the time we were at the strawberry festival in dalton and your uncle harry got up to say hello to all the petitioners okay you know what if you get a honk me. I'm talking to my nephew, okay? He's in the entertainment

industry. Oh, okay. You know what? Suck my old lady scabs, okay? I've got scabs from 80 fucking years of having kids and sitting at the same desk for my whole career. I've got scabs. I need you

to suck them, okay? Anyways, Angel, I'm sorry about that. People are so rude. I'll never forget your uncle Harry, we were at the strawberry festival, and I'll never forget he got up to greet all the partitioners, and welcome to the strawberry festival. And he said, I hope everybody enjoys the meatloaf and the glazed ham and the scallop potatoes. And everyone started laughing, and your dear uncle Harry,

he looked down and his fly was open, Paul. And it was open, and I guess he didn't wear his undies that day, and you could see a grayness in there. There was a grayness. You know, you look, you could see past the material of it. Okay, stop honking at me. I'm talking about my husband's

pubic hairs, okay? Go suck a Korean water rat, you pick. Anyways, Holland, you could see a grayness beyond the material of his pants, his old dungarees. And it looked like a robin's nest that had been left out in a fucking tornado. It was just sticks and weeds and feathers and just gray.

Okay, you know what? I'm talking about a bird's nest on my husband's. Oh, okay. You know what? Go suck. A freeze-dried antelope horn. I'm sorry, Angel. Anyways, Holland, I don't know what to do about my open.

slap. If you could, if you, I'm passing by a park. I'm sorry. I have to interrupt myself. I'm getting emotional. I'm driving right by a park and I can see children playing Holland. Remember when you were a little boy and I took you to the park? Your Aunt Ruthie took you to the park and you wanted to go to the drinking fountain, Ireland and you wanted to have a nice drink because you'd been playing on the swings real nice. Remember you were playing on the swings real nice? Remember you were playing on the swings real Nice, Arland, little angel. And somebody had their dog. And I think this is the most unsanitary fucking thing I've ever seen.

And pardon my French. But somebody had their dog. It was a golden lab of some fucking breed. And it was standing up on two legs, drinking out of the fountain where the people drink. Where the human beings drink their water, someone had their golden retriever. I'll never forget I ran right up, Holland. I said, my little nephew, who's going to be in the entertainment business one day, is very, very 30s, he's been playing on the swings.

And I ran up with my old lady's shoes, Holland, and please forgive me, I kicked that goddamn golden retriever right in the dog car, Colin. I have never heard a dog yelp so loud in my life. It sounded like a subway ran over a brand new baby from the hospital. It was unbelievable. I've never seen a dog run so fast, all buckled up. It looked like a cumberweed rolling down the desert. Anyways, okay, stop honking at me.

I'm 82 years old, you're... Oh, and Ruthie's going to pull over a guy. I don't know what to do, but if you get a chance, call me, Angel. I miss you, darling, okay? Aunt Ruthie misses you, Holland. Give me a kiss, Angel, right through your electronic cellular. Oh, fuck, I just bit my lip with my fake teeth. They came out.

I just bit right through my lip, Holland. Oh, fuck me. Okay, I got to go, Holland. Aunt Ruthie loves you, do all. Call me when you get a chance. Poor angel. Oh, yes. There she is. Aunt Ruthie from Rochester.

I'm glad you liked this character. The truth is you asked me about the development of this character where it came from, and the answer is it's funny because I just came up with this character a couple of months ago and it actually came, I was driving, and yes, I was talking on my cell phone illegally. Sorry. Or was I driving and talking on my cell phone illegally? I don't know. Was I or wasn't I?

Wink, wink, wink. And I was calling one of my best buddies, my buddy Michael Rosenbaum, the guy that I did a movie called Sorority Boys with. And he also played in Smallville. He played Lex Luthor in Smallville, the bald guy. And I always leave him crazy messages, and I always do voices, and I sing, and I love leaving the guy nutty messages. And this was just one of them. I was just driving, and I was like, hello, Michael, this is your end, Ruthie.

I know you were in Superman or Spider-Man or something tall. And I just started going on. We had such a laugh over, and I was like, man, I got to bring Aunt Ruthie to the old podcast. So basically I just made it up in my mind on the spot. And she's kind of a little bit infectious. So I'm sure half of you are like totally annoyed. You're like, oh, God.

Somebody shoot out Aunt Ruthie. She'd probably shoot you back. And then there's guys like you who love her. So I'm going to keep doing her for a while. And let's see what kind of hell Aunt Ruthie gets into. Thanks for the call. and watch out for old ladies driving down the road with the window open, swearing their heads off. Fuck you, you best.

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code Harland Have fun Don't throw your back out All right So I don't know How many of y'all As to say down in Texas

y'all Are Apple users Okay And if you are Apple users I don't know how many of you Are I photo users And I don't know How many of you are in the cloud

Which is The cloud is a system That connects All your Apple devices. It connects your laptop to your iPad, to your cell phone, to your nostrils, whatever. And Iphoto is supposed to share all your photos with all your contraptions. And I got to tell you, man, I've been on this I photo for years and I still can't figure it out. I mean, am I the only idiot that doesn't understand eye photo?

It's like, I go in there and I will spend a half an hour deleting old photos. I highlight them. I press the word delete. It says, do you want to move this photo to the trash? I go, yes, I do. It disappears. And then lo and behold, a week later, three weeks later a month later

they're all back there they are on my phone there they are on my iPad there they are on my computer and it's just like they won't let me get rid of anything stuff just keep

showing up in different files under different headings under different this under different that some pictures will show up on one device one picture will show up on another device. Either I'm an idiot or this is the most confounding

crap I've ever seen, man. I have tried and tried to clean up I photo and get rid of stuff and clear out some space. Nope. And the same goes for my iTunes. You know, I linked all my systems

to the cloud. You know, because I want to be up on the cloud. I want to be in heaven. I want to be an Apple heaven. And on my iPod, I get 40 of my 100 songs. On my phone, I get 60 of my 100 songs. On my computer, I get all of my songs. When I link them together, 80 of my songs will go to the phone

and 20 of them won't. Or if I put my iPod into my computer, 50 songs go into my iPod. pod and the rest won't and i'm just like what's what what kind of cloud is this man this thing's like a fart cloud because it stinks man it's like i can't get it should be very very simple you just press buttons click click click highlight and every time i plug in a contraption to my computer or my phone or it's just like Everything just comes back. The stuff I deleted comes back.

New songs will disappear. Old ones will come back. Songs that I don't want in there will come back. Stuff that I've, let's say I do a voice memo on my iPhone. Or I download like someone sends me a goofy little thing as an MP3 in my email. And I play it. suddenly those are on my playlist, so I'll be listening to, like, a couple of cool tunes, and all of a sudden I hear a voicemail from some idiot friend of mine in Chicago or something.

And I'm like, what the hell? I don't know, man. It's like, am I just the dumbest guy in the world with this stuff? Like, what part, here I'm talking to my Apple products right now. Apple, uh, hello. What part of delete don't you understand? Um, hello. Um, hello, I believe you were deleted. Okay? Excuse me? Um, just what part of delete don't you understand? Okay? Oh, it's annoying. It is so annoying, man. It's like I, when I go to the gym, I'm like, oh, should I listen? Should I take my phone and listen to the songs on that one,

or should I take my iPod and plug that one in? Because that's got three songs that I really like that aren't on my phone or vice versa. It's like I shouldn't be having to deal with all that crap. And I feel like I'm a semi-smart guy. I feel like I have an IQ over two. and I got to go, if I'm having these problems, are other people having these problems?

Am I the only dim-wit in the room? And I'll be honest, I'm not very good with that stuff, but how basic is add and delete? How hard can that be for a dufus like me? So I don't know, man. I am just. I'm over it I'm just over it

what part of delete don't you understand but I'm going to keep trying man I'll keep trying but man if the president of Apple's listening or of Steve Jobs I know you're dead but you're probably dead and you're probably floating around in a cloud because you're a little

you're probably an eye angel okay because everything to do with Apple has an eye in front of it so if you're like an eye angel steve jobs and you're floating around in the eye cloud could you please i fucking fix my eye contraptions i damn it there i got it out said a little prayer at the end everything should be fine i'll keep you posted no oh charles oh oh no no no no

Nelson. Oh, I, Riley. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. That's strange stuff. I think you're crazy, man. Okay.

I hate to do this to you, but in a way I'm kind of like, it's kind of fun to do this to you guys. We are going to end the show. on a very squeamish subject. This crazy news story is you're probably going to be squirming in your seat. Okay? This is going to be fun. You guys are, I don't know, you might even shut the show off before we get to the end. This is going to be tight.

Here we go. Let's get right to the story. Here it is. Here's the headline. And noises in her head were flesh-eating maggots. Oh, God. Are you squirming already? Check it out.

A British woman returned from a holiday in Peru hearing scratching noises inside her head. Okay. How many of you have ever had scratching noises inside your head? Uh, hello, none of us. She was told she was being attacked by flesh-eating maggots living inside her ear. Rochelle Harris 27 said she remembered dislodging a fly from her ear while in Peru but thought nothing more of it until she started getting headaches and pains down one side of her face and woke up in Britain one morning

with liquid on her pillow. Liquid or maggot pee, hello. So just thinking she had a routine ear infection caused by a mosquito bite, she sought medical treatment at the Royal Derby, the Royal Derby Hospital in Northern England, where a consultant noticed maggots in a small hole in her ear canal.

oh come on are you kidding me can you imagine maggots in your inner ear canal in your inner anything in your canal i didn't even know we had canals that's kind of creepy just in its own hey man nice canal shut up uh she goes on to say i was very scared were they in my brain said Harris, recounting her ordeal in the United Kingdom. Doctors first tried to flush the maggots out of her ear using olive oil. What? Olive oil? Wouldn't that just make the maggots delicious?

I mean, how many you go to a restaurant and the waiter puts a little plate of olive oil and you dip your bread in it? I mean, isn't anything in olive oil just a little more tasty? What's that all about? Yes, we're going to put some olive oil in your maggots here, and then some paprika, some seasoning salt, and just a little tiny splash of garlic butter, if you don't mind. Please, don't be alarmed.

Your maggots will be succulently delicious. So she goes on to say it was the longest few hours that I've ever had to wait. Here's the bad part, gang. I can still feel them and hear them and knowing that those scratching sounds were the maggots. And knowing that the wriggling was just what made it all the worse. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Isn't that horrible? Imagine, like, before this happened. She's with her boyfriend or her husband, and they're having her romantic dinner. And he's whispering in her ear. Hey, baby, I really love you. You're really sexy, baby. Okay, there's something crawling on my tongue,

and it's got olive oil, and it tastes delicious. What the hell's in your ear, baby? Um, so the olive oil, no surprise, the olive oil trick didn't work. Um, and when the flushing of the maggots failed, the medics resorted to surgery. And this is where you're going to cringe even more, gang. They found a writhing mass of maggots within her ear, raising concern that the maggots could eat into her brain. Yeah. Maggots eat flesh.

I mean, you ever heard of a brain sandwich? Brain is delicious. Not to me, but to most, to maggots. The surgery removed a family of eight maggots. Oh, they're a family. Eight of them. Remember that old show, eight is enough?

Do you remember that show way back in the day? There was a sitcom or a docu-sit drama or whatever. it is about a family of eight that lived in a big house that's kind of like what this is except with maggots so cute there's a magic in the early morning we found when the sunrise smiles on everything around It's a portrait of the happiness that we feel and always will.

Oh, it is enough to fill our lives with love. Oh, we spend our days like bright and shiny new dimes. If we're ever puzzled by. So, there's a plate of four-made wishes on the kitchen windows is. And it is enough to fill our lives with love. So analysis found that a new world army screw worm fly had laid eggs inside Harris's ear. I don't know I've been around a long time

I've been around I've camped I've been around garbage dumps I've heard of horse flies I've heard a deer flies I've heard of black flies I've heard of fruit flies I've heard a house flies

Has anyone heard of a new world army screw worm fly Good Lord I don't need a fly that has the word army and screwing it. That's just trouble right there, man. So in closing, this poor lady said, I'm not so squeamish around those kinds of bugs now.

How can I be? They've been in my ear, Harris said. Wait a minute. So having a New World Army screw worm fly lay eggs in her ear and produce eight is enough. Somehow she's become charmed by these flies and the maggots. Somehow she's got an affection and infinity for them. Instead of like, I think if that happened to me, I'd wear ear muffs for the rest of my life.

I'd be one of those guys you see trucking around with the great big headphones on their, with their iPods, with their MPs. with their MP3 players What the hell's Mary doing? Why has she always got that iPod plugged into her head? What's with the earphones? Oh man, she's not listening to no music. No, she just, she's keeping the maggots out, man.

I don't understand you. How don't you go screw off? Yeah, why don't you go screw fly? That's what I'm saying, screw fly, biotch. so there you go man there's we're going to end the show on that squeamish story oh so next time you get a fly near your ear be careful man i don't want your brain turning into maggot pudding i mean imagine that they multiply and you got like you know 100 200 maggots in there every time you sneeze, a bunch of maggots fly out,

every time you blow your nose, your Kleenex is full of squirming, writhing maggots. Imagine French kissing your partner. Just fill your mouth. Oh, I don't. Let's stop. Stop. Stop.

So there you go. We're ending on leaving you with a little squirm in your step. How's that? Yeah, that's free. That's from me to you, gang. He, he. not fair not nice i know but kind of kind of an interesting story um let's hang it up right there uh don't forget if you want to call me you can call me at 323 739 4330 uh you can also write me

at harlem williams dot com check out my comedy schedule there check out my store you can buy merch that will provide more squeamish laughter and yeah man it's all it's all good it's all good plug your ears and be safe don't forget to check out for slang at harloweems.com you can subscribe to my YouTube channel and yes you will be the first to see all my latest videos that I will be putting up you can join my Twitter parade I'm on Twitter at Harlan Williams. And there you go.

Cool stuff. That's it, gang. Have fun. Plug those ears. And until next time, Chicken. Chau main, baby.