The Harland Highway - 511 - TOOL SHED HORROR, Global warming expert KYLE FLAVORS calls in

Episode Date: September 2, 2013

Have you ever tried to get something out of your toolshed? It's a horror story waiting to happen. Internet HATERS, and a call in from Kyle Flavors a global warming expert. Tin can my hand!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, this is your friend and confidant, Mr. Harland Williams. I am here to take you down the highway, the Harland Highway, for the next half hour, and provide you with laughter, craziness, insight, and mental retardation. I hope you're ready for all of those. I know I'm not. Yes, I am. What am I talking about? Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Today you're going to hear me go off a little bit on someone who joined my Facebook page. I didn't ask them. They asked to join my Facebook page, and when they got there, they started being mean and saying cruel things and insulting me and my work. And I was like, no, no, no, I'm not having it. I'm going to have a little something or other to say about this kind of negativity. So I'm going to get into that. We're going to talk about one of the most interesting puzzles in the world trying to get anything out of your toolshed.

Yeah, this is an eternal mystery. This is a confounding thing to do, trying to get anything out of your tool shed. We're going to go over that. And then we have an expert calling into the show later about the whole global warming thing and the oceans rising, and this guy's name is Kyle. flavors. It's going to be great. It always

is right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway. Hey-yo. And there's glasses.

I will find you. My mom always said, you can't handle the truth. Many years of therapy. Many, many, many, many. Fucking years of therapy. theory. I will kill you. Listen, lame brain.

Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Badoop, boop. Here's a little brain teaser for you, gang. Do you like brain teasers? Do you like puzzles?

Do you like to do a puzzle now and then? A little brain twister? An intricate thing that has many moving pieces, you know, like a Rubik's Cube or a jigsaw puzzle, or uh, janga, or, uh, just assembling things, like a bunk bed from IKEA. Well, here's one, uh, that you might have to participate in, whether you like it or not, and it might be the hardest puzzle of all time. Yeah.

Uh, as, as summer. winds down as we close the box on summer and we start to roll into fall you probably spent a lot of the summer going in and out of your tool shed

getting bicycle pumps, getting rakes, shovels, gardening implements, hoses, fishing nets, fishing rods, bicycles, flippers, masks, rakes, you know, just all the crap, ropes, string, lawnmower, outboard motor, all the crap that's in your tool shed.

And if you noticed, it's probably after a summer of going in and out of it, it's probably a mess. and here's how you know that it's time you have to clean it up and this happens to me all the time and it drives me bazonkers you go into the tool shed and you're like, geez, I need the rake where's the rake?

Well, there it is in the back. Of course, behind the canoe paddles and behind those chains hanging on that hook. Why, of course. Everything's always He's always in the back, isn't it? So you go in, you grab the rake, and what happens is the puzzle begins.

You lift up the rake, and suddenly the teeth of the rake are hooked into the garden hoe. They're snagged on the boat propeller. There's a life jacket that has slid down over the handle. There's some rope wrapped around the handle. And so you start to pull it, you start to pull that rake out, and it seems the more you pull it, the more obstacles it gets entangled with. It's like your tool shed has become alive. It's become a tool octopus. It's a tooltopus.

It's not a tooltipus. And all these tentacles are reaching out and grabbing at you and grabbing it the thing you want, whether it's the rake or the lawnmower. a bucket, canoe paddle, whatever you're grabbing, everything else in the tools, and it comes to life and crawls out and starts wrapping itself around it and grabbing. And just when you get it free of some rope

and a garden hoe, suddenly you're tangled up in a fishnet and a pair of trimmers. and then a shovel falls across the way and then suddenly a box full of wire and some garden snippers, some hedge trimmers are suddenly in the mix. Then it's like a battle for your life. All these moving pieces,

all these moving parts are coming to life. All you want is your little rake. I want to rake some leaves. I didn't expect to become an Indian. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom here. Remember the Raiders of the Lost Dark, the opening scene where he's going into the cave and spikes are coming out of walls and things are dropping from the roof and trip wires on the ground and giant boulders are rolling at them. Pieces of the wall are sliding in and out. This is what it's like to go to the back of your tool shed and come back out the front end.

Oh, God. And everything's tangled and you're pulling and you pull one thing and it causes another thing to fall down. It's like a domino effect. You pull on one thing, another thing falls, and then that knocks into another thing. It's like a scene out of a horror movie where you're running through a forest full of trees and branches and vines. And suddenly the branches and the vines come. alive and start wrapping around your legs and choking you and crawling up your pant leg and grabbing your arms and tying you up and you're just like ah i just want to go canoeing i

just want my canoe battle why why is my hair being raked why is there a leaf blower up my butt why why is there grass seed in my hair why Why is there rope around my throat? Why is the lawnmower chopping my feet off? It's a nightmare, man. So possibly one of the hardest puzzles to solve, like to just pull one item out of your tool shed, unscathed, unhurt, untangled. It's just ridiculously hard.

It's just almost impossible. It's like trying to do a Rubik's cube with your eyes shut. You can't do it. So as we roll out of summer and roll into fall, go to a store that sells medieval equipment, medieval clothing, and get yourself a knight, get yourself some body armor. Go in there with a jousting stick and lower the front guard on the face of your suit of armor

and go clanking in there and get ready to do battle in your octo shed. Your dirty, imposing, looming, dangerous tool shed. Bum, bum, bum, bha. Yeah!

Not the lawnmore. No. Stay back! Stay back! Here we are, children. Come and get your lollipops. Lollipops. Come along, my little ones. Lollipop.

Ice cream, chocolate, all free today. Today, all free today. Yes, we love free things. we love free things you know what else is free uh making your opinion known on social media um you know saying things posting things uh sharing ideas putting up jokes uh making comments criticisms bullying all that stuff is free you just throw it up there there's you know most people don't think of the consequences and i want to address something that kind of got under my skin i should probably just let it go but i'm going to address it because you know like everyone these days i

have a facebook page um i have a twitter account and to be honest most of the reason i have it is dedicated to my fans, to people out there in the world so that they can find their way to my Facebook page or my Twitter page or whatever. I use it as a vehicle to get people to the comedy that I create. And, you know, I create the comedy to hopefully put a little shine on the world, give people a laugh, brighten their day, whatever. And, you know, comedy's subjective.

Sometimes you don't like it. Sometimes you do. Sometimes you think it's stupid. Sometimes you think it's great. But nonetheless, that's kind of my lot in life. Okay? Some guys and girls were born with the ability to fix car engines. Some people were born to be mathematicians or fly a jet or drive a racing car.

What have you. Okay? I guess my lot in life was to, you know, be funny, be humorous, try to be humorous, try to be funny. I think I'm doing a pretty good job after all these years, you know. But every now and then, and here's where the Facebook thing comes in, people put up comments about what you do. That's one of the kind of the things about social media. You expose yourself to everybody and everything. And when you're in the limelight a little bit, when you're known publicly for your work,

like your movies or your comedy or whatever, that gets amplified. And so what I do on my Facebook page, for those of you that follow me or my Twitter page, you don't often hear a lot about me personally what I'm doing. I went to the mall. I bought a bicycle. My sister's got gonorrhea, whatever. I don't think you guys want to know that. So what I do is I take time out of my day and I try to think of something silly or funny,

something that I'm thinking, man, if I was a guy driving down the road right now and all of a sudden I followed Harland Williams and all of a sudden a Twitter came through or a post on his Facebook, all of a sudden he'd just go, oh, that's funny or that's silly or that's irreverent or that's stupid or maybe it's not funny.

but whatever that's kind of my reason for being on social media to keep the comedy flowing and so i'll put stuff up there and you know 99% of the stuff feedback i get is oh man that was funny you made me laugh i was drinking a coffee i blew it out my nose whatever and sometimes people say oh that's that's not cool i don't like that that's not funny i can handle that But every now and then you get a jackass who just writes something really mean-spirited. And I want to share a comment that I won't say the guy's name because I've got a little more class than him. But anyways, I posted a silly little thing that almost everyone who come on it was really laughing. And this one character posts, he says,

his name is blankety blank and he says nice job not being funny i can see why your career never took off stick to riding on the coattails of molly shannon and dave chappelle right very random um you know dave chappelle and molly shannon has anyone ridden on the coattails of molly shannon I've done a movie with Molly Shannon. She's a great girl. She's funny, but how am I riding the coattails of Molly Shannon? And Dave Chappelle and I couldn't be more further apart in terms of our comedy. He's very, you know, social, political, urban,

and I'm like kind of goofy out there, silly. Anyways, I'm not going to analyze this guy's reasoning. But what gets to me is the spirit. spitefulness that this guy put into his words, the mean tone, the cruel comments, that, by the way, I've been doing this for 20 years, I've had stuff like that put in print by reviewers in USA Today or, you know, about movies or things I've done. So to have some, you know, a nominous dweeb hiding behind the, you know, world of cyberspace, say, something that doesn't, to me, really even make much sense. That bounces off my back.

What gets me is that I'll take the time to write something to maybe put a smile on your face during the day, create a giggle, something positive. I try to put positive energy out to the world. If my crime is putting a smile on your face, if that's the worst thing I ever do to you in your life, is that really a crime? Uh, your honor, um, this man's guilty of trying to make me laugh. Okay, so even if the joke's a misfire, even if it stinks, what is the point of taking the time from your side to write such mean-spirited negativity?

And then here's the real kicker, and I could get mean. Look, I stand on stage and I can rip people a new one. real easy. Okay? I'm not going to go there. I like to take the high road. All I'm going to say is I went on this guy's page. I looked at it, and it looked like he was around like a 30-something-year-old, mid-30-year-old guy.

And he had a bunch of pictures of him standing with his skateboard. Okay? So here's to the guy who's knocking my career. And here's to you being in your mid-30s out playing on your skateboard. So have fun with that, there, fella. But this is the real kicker. You know, I don't go around on my Facebook page or my Twitter page soliciting people to join my page. If people want to join my page, they ask to join it.

They asked to become a subscriber to my page or a friend to my page or a Twitter, tweeter, twatter to my page. And I'm like, yeah, man, it sounds like you want to get on the comedy wagon. You're interested in what I have to offer. You're interested in my sense of humor. Click, you're on board. Okay, I didn't go out and get you. You came to me and I was like, awesome.

We must share a similar sense of humor. Come on in. I don't want to push myself on people, so I'm not going to go out and, oh, hey, join my page. I want you. I'm recruiting people. I want a million viewers. I'm not like that. I'm a guy who kind of sits back.

I offer a product, and if people like it, they come to it, and they enjoy it. And so this guy asked to be friended by me. I friended him, and he turns around. and just, like, rips at me. I'm like, wow, dude. Glad you signed up. Glad you joined the club. Thanks for jumping on board, little friend.

Really nice to have you in the clubhouse, you mean, son of a bitch. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

Trust me. Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off. One item. and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom.

Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun.

Don't throw your back out. But above and beyond this little infraction with me, it's a bigger issue on the Internet in general that I think I talked about this a few podcasts back about people having Twitter finger. And it's not just Twitter, it's the whole Internet where people, where people will puke stuff out onto the internet, just slap stuff out, maybe be mean or cruel or condescending or whatever,

and not think that at the other end of their typing, there's people listening and absorbing and reacting to what's being put out there. So I can't tell anyone how to live or how to behave. Dave, if you want to be a hate monger or a negative person or be mean or cruel or a cyber bully, whatever, you know, that's on you. I'm just saying I don't see the point. And the world's full of enough, you know, negativity that we don't really need that. And on top of that, if someone's trying to make you smile, taking time out of their day to stop and tell you a joke or, or put a smile on your face,

at least give them an A for effort, even if they're not funny, go, you know what, that guy is about as funny as a piece of driftwood, but at least he made an effort, at least he stopped and tried to do something positive. And believe me, I'm not saying

don't send me your criticisms or don't send me your negativity, because I can handle it. If someone wants to criticize the show, hey that's part of being having a podcast that's part of you know tweeting and posting i expect it but you know what i thought you know what i'm going to comment on it for once normally i just let it roll and this guy isn't the first guy to be mean but for some reason this guy just you know just the the vitriol in the guy's tone and the you know you know

So anyhow, there's me, like, fighting back a little. There's me. I guess I'm not fighting back for me as much as I'm just trying to send a message of, hey, folks, you have two ways to go. You can sit down at your computer and be kind and be positive and add positive energy to the world. You can sit down and be really mean and cruel. Now, let me tell you this.

I meet a lot of people. I've done a lot of movies. And to be honest, I've done way more movies than Dave Chappelle and Molly Shannon put together. Okay? But I'll tell you this, when people meet me, they're very excited and very happy over my film work. And here's where I'm going with us. I bet if this guy bumped into me in person, he'd be kissing my hairy... Greek ass.

I'm not even Greek. I'll bet you a hundred bucks. You'd be like, oh, Arland, man, I love you, dude. I love you and half-baked, man. You and Chappelle were so cool, and I loved you in Superstar with Mollysh. I bet you a hundred bucks. This guy would be all over my sweet Armenian ass,

and it's not Armenian either. But hiding behind the old Facebook or Twitter page, he's just letting it red. I could do the same thing, but that doesn't work for me. Life's too short. Here's my message. Be positive, folks. Unless someone's, like, threatening your life or someone's, like, really hurting you.

Okay, you got to fight back. But to just randomly wake up in the morning and go, I'm going to say something really mean and cruel to someone I've never even met. I don't know. Why? So there you go So if nothing else This guy's negativity

Spurred me to talk about positivity So there you go The yin and the yang For every action There's an equal and opposite reaction So there you go Happy skateboarding dude Hello

Hello My name is talking Tina and I'm going to kill you. Well, here's a timely topic, a touchy topic that affects each and every one of us. And we have an expert. Roger, you got him on hold? Yeah, he's on the line. Okay.

We have an expert calling in to the highway here. And we're talking about the global warming and the global warming and the rising of the sea levels. They're saying now that in 15 years, 20 years from now, the sea levels are going to rise three feet in 15 years? I mean, that's scary. They're saying hundreds of cities across the United States will be underwater. Miami will be gone.

Many coastal towns and cities around America, much of Florida will be underwater. I mean, this is just these are crazy assertions, but when you look at the science, when you look at the rapid rate of the ice and glacial meltoffs in the polls, it's disturbing, it's alarming. The glaciers are receding at levels never before seen since they're. started documenting this stuff so he's there okay let's go on the line we have uh gentlemen what's his name kyle flavors kyle flavors he's a i guess he's out in hawaii's a professional surfer well does that make him an expert about this roger okay he's roger says he's on the

water all the time so uh maybe uh let let's go to uh kyle flavors out in Hawaii. Kyle, are you there? Hello. Kyle. Oh, hello, man. How are you, dude? Um, doing good, dude. How are you? Oh, man.

I've been ripping it up all day, dude. That's been like, I've been shredding out there, man. I have been shredding. Um, okay, we were talking about, um, uh, global warming. Tell me about it, dude. I am bronzed, dude.

I am bronzed all over. I'm like a bronze robot, dude. Um, not sure what a bronze robot is. Oh, dude, I'm talking about tan lines, man. I am like, I am like a golden waffle, man. Okay. Um, let's get to this, uh, this global warming epidemic and the fact that the oceans in the next 15 years they say are going to rise like three feet

oh dude i love it man i love this because um you know to think about it uh if the oceans rise did right if there's like three extra feet of water that's like oh man that's like extra water for me to rip a wave, dude. I mean, I can get tasty in the curls with an extra three feet. Well, I think maybe you're missing the point, Kyle,

that this water is unwanted water. Oh, hold the phone, Shakespeare. Oh, hello, there's never enough water, dude. That's one thing a surfer never worries about is having too much

water. I'm sorry? I said water. Wattair? That's right, dude. That's what I surf on. Wattair. And like if there's three extra feet, dude, that's extra surfing for Kyle Flavors. Hello? Hello? Yeah, I'm here. I'm just a little flabbergasted.

Listen, dude, if you're flabbergasted, that means you're stressing out, okay? You should get down to Hawaii. Let the Flaves take you out on the waves, do a twisty rip curl, double-black, reverse flywheel, okay? I mean, I'm talking shredding on the walk hair. You know what? I don't have time to come down and surf, Kyle, but, you know, I want to get back to this important. important issue, you know, the fact that the glaciers are melting, that sea life is starting to suffer, fish and polar bears and things like that, their habitat is going to be decimated?

Oh, animals, fish, animals. I mean, I can't tell you, dude, how many times I've been riding a tasty curl and, like, a fucking elephant seal swims right into my board, dude, and I'm I go fucking tits over fucking balls into the surf man. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay. You know, I'd watch the profanity. Oh, it was crazy. I remember once, dude, I cut the fucking face off a harpsil once, dude.

He cut right in front of my tasty board, my 16-footer. I was in the middle of a cinnamon breadstick on a rip curl, And it went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, and then down and splash, dude. Um, Roger, is there something we can do here? I mean, it was upside down. It was upside down in the walk hair. I mean, dude, I was swirling around like an old tube sock, dude, in my mama's washing machine. Okay. Okay. You know what? I think maybe you're not maybe the right person to talk to. I mean, Kyle, we're talking about cities being underwater. Oh, right. Like Atlanta's, dude. Oh, man. If I could find that place, I'd purchase myself a sweet chunk of real estate, dude, because the flavors rides the waivers, and I'd like to live underwater. Don't do me any. favors, you know what I'm saying?

Righteous. Okay, Roger, this isn't the guy. I thought you said we had an expert in marine biology or, what? Yeah, I know he's a surfer. Oh, yeah, surf is off. I've got to get whaling, dude. I've got to get out there. I can see some tasty ripples coming down from the coastline.

So I'm in a buggy, I'm in a boat. Hey, it was great talking to you. Whatever. What the fuck's your name? Okay, it's Harland Williams. Whatever. I've got to do a rip ride. I'll catch you on the freeze track, motherfucker. Okay, stop swearing. I'm out. Later, the flavor. Don't do me any flavors.

What up. What up. Get them off. Get them off. What up. What the hell was that, Roger? Are you joking? Like I just wasted six minutes of our time here. A dork. When I tell you I want someone a Marine specialist, get me that.

Don't give me this kind of a surfer dude, Kyle Flavors. A doorknob. Let's move on. Let me tell you about something that is good, because that guy wasn't good. He was an idiot. I want to tell you about TiVo, man. Before TiVo, watching TV was hard. It was crazy.

You could only watch one show at a time. And if you missed the show or even part of it, you had to wait for it to go into reruns before you could see it again. And then TiVo came along, changed everything. And, you know, well, other DVPs exist. They're not as good as TiVo because if you have cable, Teva will let you watch your shows wherever you want. With TiVo stream, you can watch on your iPad,

all over your house. You can even transfer your favorite recordings and take them with you on an airplane waiting in line at the dentist's office. I mean, TiVo rocks, dude. And TiVo searches both cable and the web, okay, to find any show, any video you want at the press of a button.

So check out TiVo, man. And with the TiVo Mini, one TiVo box works on a second TV. Okay, from the couch to the kitchen, from the minivan to 35,000 feet. TiVo's making it rock, dudes. And if you go to TiVo.com, use this promo code. ATC, ATC. And you will get some sweet deals.

You will get a little discount happening at TiVo. And the reason I'm bringing them up is because TiVo through the Harland Highway just a little bit of sponsorship money to mention their product, which I actually like their product. It's no BS. I'm not just being a pitch man here. I actually really do love the TiVo.

I've used it and it's great. So I'm going to do four or five shows where I give them a little plug and it helps pay the bills. And I sincerely hope you guys, check it out. Don't forget that promo code. ATC. And

now let's get to promoting the good stuff, which is yours truly, Harlan Williams. Let's talk about my upcoming stand-up shows. Where can you see me next? Well, let me tell you. Let me tell you, my funny little

furry friends. If you want to see me in Los Angeles in Hollywood, I will be there Saturday, September 7th, two shows on a Saturday night at the improv on Melrose Boulevard. They just redid the whole thing. They remodeled it. They fixed it up, put in new lights and sound systems and chairs and bars. It's really cool. So come on down to the Hollywood Improv. Go to my website, Harlan Williams.com, and click on my stand-up schedule, and you will be able to... to get all your information for getting tickets. So that's September, Saturday, the 7th,

at the Hollywood Improv. And then the following weekend, September 12th through the 15th, if you live in Chicago, come on out to Schaumburg. The Schaumburg Improv is just about a 20-minute drive outside of downtown Chicago. Great venue. This is one of the most beautiful improv comedy clubs in the country. Beautiful stage, beautiful setup.

It's really a great, great room. Come on out and check me out there. And then the following weekend, September 19th to the 21st, you can catch me in Knoxville, Tennessee at the comedy club there. Again, go to my website, harloweems.com, click on the stand-up schedule, and come on out, man. also while you're there check out the harland williams.com store all kinds of great products for you to get your mitts on and and don't forget we have a great new podcast that we're producing called getting juicy at the movies with Donna and Julie and this is a great podcast these two wonderful ladies who review

recent and vintage movies and they do a great job they're wonderful they're a couple of housewives from the Midwest who call it like they see it no no Hollywood glitz and glamour they just they just give you the homespun version of

movie reviews so check it out getting juicy at the movies with Donna and Julie You can also join their Twitter page at Juicy at the movie, singular, Juicy at the movie. And you can also write them on Gmail at Juicy at the Movies at gmail.com. If you want to ask questions or leave comments or request a vintage movie for them to review, Juicy at the Movies at gmail.com. And these girls are tearing it up. People are really enjoying this podcast.

I hope you have the time to check it out and enjoy it. And that's it for now, gang. I hope you had a good time today. You know, remember, be positive. Don't be a hater. Be positive. We might only have a little time left together on this planet. The oceans are rising three feet.

and Kyle Flavors seems to love it but the rest of us are doomed but you know until that day comes let's just keep on spreading the love be positive and always make time in your life to sit down for a big juicy bowl of chicken chalman baby