The Harland Highway - 512 - A call from QUEEN ELIZABETH talking about Royal Baby.

Episode Date: September 5, 2013

The QUEEN of England calls the show today to talk about the NEW royal baby, 1st interview she has given, EXCLUSIVE!! Also, amazing yet scary new device that lets you control another persons brain. Howling wind bin!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Who can it be now? Well, it's me, that's who. It's me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harlan Highway podcast. Only the juiciest podcast on planet Earth. Well, who says that? I do, because I'm the juice master. Thanks for being here, Pavement Pounders, and friends and fans and everyone who's listening. Great to have you here.

What a show, man. Does the word scoop mean anything to anybody? I'm not talking about at Baskin-Robbins. I'm talking about getting the scoop. Guess who we have on the show today? Queen Elizabeth. This is one of the first, if not the first interview with the queen since the royal baby was born. The new baby George, Prince William's new son, grandson to Lady Diana.

Unbelievable, we have an interview with her. Also, I'm going to be talking about my new six. which really is coming out this time. I know they've switched the dates around, but I'm going to tell you where you can see it and how to see it and where it's playing. My new sitcom called Package Deal, a very funny show.

And then we're going to be talking about some freaky science, man, some technology and some science that just occurred. I'm going to be reading you a story, and it's going to change the world. It's going to change everything. Well, I take it back. The world's already been changed by the Harland. Welcome to the Harland Highway

I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-o And there's glasses I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy Many many many Fucking years of therapy I will kill you Listen lame brain Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway.

You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Bonk, bopa, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong. Okay, this opening story I'm going to talk to you about is scary and thralling and amazing and kind of like this is the beginnings of. what's about to happen in the future. Listen to this story that I got out of USA today. Here's the headline, brain control of motion demonstrated. Shades of Darth Vader and demonic possession,

brain researchers say that for the first time, one person has remotely triggered another person's movement a flicking finger through a signal sent to him by thought. Yikes! You got to hear this, man. It's amazing. On August 12th, University of Washington researchers sent the finger-flicking brain signal to a colleague. Okay, so there was one guy who sent another signal from his brain to another.

guy in a demonstration of human-to-human brain signaling. And this announcement follows a rapid series of advances in the field of brain-computer interfaces. Okay, how ominous does that sound? Devices that read brain signals and typically try to translate them into motions in robotic, prosthetic arms, or legs. Paralyzed patients demonstrated the control of, robot arms using signals from brain implants last year. So basically there was a bunch of successful tests where a person with a prosthetic limb or arm could channel their brain waves into the wiring and the computer technology in the

prosthetic so that if the human thought they could close their fingers, these impulses would run through the technology and the robotic prosthetic arm would close its fingers. You following me? So now it sounds like that they've taken this to another level. These researchers at Duke University and Harvard have demonstrated the transfer of brain signals between rats and from a person to a rat as well. what kind of brain signal what a human send to a rat

how about you're ugly you're creepy you're dirty kill yourself suicide suicide suicide and the rat's like why do I feel so depressed why do I want to jump off a bridge why don't want to jump in that ceiling pen

who is putting these thoughts in my head so this so-called transcranial magnetic stimulation, which sends magnetic pulses to the brain, has become a treatment for neurological ailments such as Parkinson's disease. Okay, and here's where it gets weird, man. They have a video of the experiment where it shows one guy observing a cannon-firing video game while wearing an electrical brain signal reading cap. Again, I'm just going to say, ominous, how many of you at home have an electrical brain signal reading cap?

Okay, so this guy has this on, and by imagining his right finger flicking during the game, he triggered the actual motion in the other guy's brain who sat in a distant lab wearing a cap designed to send magnetic stimulation signals to his brain. In effect, the one guy's thought was transferred across the campus via the internet to trigger the motion in the other guy's brain who described it as feeling like an involuntary switch. Are you kidding me, guys? This is kind of creepy. And they quote, the internet was a way to connect computers, and now it can be a way to connect brain. We want to take the knowledge of a brain and transmit it directly from brain to brain.

Researchers have received approval from the university's medical ethics board before proceeding with the experiment. What they did is kind of like using a phone signal to trigger a magnetic jolt to the brain. It's not a true brain-to-brain interface where you would have communication. of signals between people this is one way so i would say it's a little early to declare victory on creating a true human brain interface um it's i think that's incredible though i mean sorry if i'm going a little slow here i'm just reading this thing but are you are you kidding me guys i mean that is That is wicked.

You know, that's the danger and the beauty of this age we live in. You know, it's like we're all buzzing about Google Glass. Okay, there's a new, if you haven't heard about Google Glass, it's a new set of glasses that is about to come out in 2014 by Google, where all your Internet stuff is right on the lens of the glass. You can do your phone calls, you can take your pictures, you can do your GPS, you can read your emails. It all just streams on the glass lens and the glasses on your face.

So you don't have to pick up your phone. You don't have to sit at your desk and be on your computer. You can be walking down the street. It can be driving. You can be in a movie. And there's all kinds of buzz about that because it's about to come out. And then you read a story like this and you're like, who gives a crap about glasses?

I can take my Apple PowerBook Pro, my MacBook Pro, and I can just connect to your brain and read your thoughts and make you do stuff. Like I'm a little low on cash, so the next time we Skype, I think I'm going to have you get up and go rob a 7-Eleven for me. And yeah, you'll get blamed, but, you know, I'll tell you where to hide the money before you get caught, and you won't remember doing it. But hey, I'm your best friend.

Let's Skype. Hey, what's up? FaceTime. FaceTime. Invade your brain time. It's pretty spooky. It's pretty weird. It's pretty cool.

I mean, you know, right now we have things like Twitter and Google and Facebook. What about in 10 years? What about in five years when there's a site similar to Twitter, similar to Facebook, but it's called Brain Connect. And you voluntarily join this website the way you join Facebook, and it's to interface with other people's brains. You know, you give a proof. You put on your brain helmet.

You put on the old brain helmet, and suddenly you're inside the head of some guy in Australia, you know, a crab fisherman off the coast of Perth. Hey, mate, you ever wondered what it was like To pull a lobster up from the bottom of the sea Well, now you're in my head And you're about to find out, mate Okay, thanks, Captain Grindface

It's pretty freaky And here's what's even weirder to me Okay, this is taking it further down the road There's been suggestions that, you know, the aliens, that your standard alien you see with the bottom, bulbous head and the almond-shaped eyes, kind of the stereotypical alien imagery that's been created out there. I've seen and read things where it's been suggested that those guys all look the same,

okay, and their heads are so big because they don't speak. They just communicate with their brains. And when you think about it, the beauty of a human being is really in the brain. I mean, it's about the thoughts, it's about who they are, it's their nerve center, it's their personality, it's their beliefs. And it's been suggested that those big bulbous-headed aliens just telepathically communicate with each other. Everybody kind of feels each other and mentally connects.

And as far out as that sounds, when you hear about apparatus like this that's coming down the pipe, you go, Where does that go? I mean, take your basic cell phone 10 years ago. Okay, you could dial it and you could make a phone call. That was it. And people are like, this is amazing. Oh, my God.

This is amazing. I can be at my cottage where there's no phone service and I can call someone in Australia. And then iPhone comes along 10 years later and now look at what a phone can do. your cell phone can do anything. So here we have two guys that are tapping into each other's brains. We're at the very beginning of that. Where does that go to? What's the iPhone version of the brain helmet, guys?

And I'm going to take a leap here and say it's not even a helmet. It becomes a chip that's embedded into the skull at birth. Parents have the option to give their kids a chip, and they have an option to give their kids a certain level of chip. Rich families can put the rolls royce of chips in their kids' head. The government will give a government-issue standard chip to the middle class and the lower class, or if you want to buy a more advanced chip,

it's put in your head right underneath the skin and your skull. And it's the size of, you know, the head of a pin. You don't even know it. They probably just shoot it in with some kind of needle injection device, like you see on Star Trek. They put it, right, right to inject it through that soft, tender baby meat. Shut up, Jr. I just gave you the, I know what you gave me.

I'm reading your thoughts right now, Dad. Listen to me. I'm talking. I read how to talk before you could even get your statement out. Are you sassing me, Jr.? Oh, yeah, I'm sassing you, Dad, and what about that stack of hustler magazines up in your closet underneath your socks? Okay, junior. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discise. count and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Why just survive back to school when you can thrive by creating a space that does it all for you, no matter the size. Whether you're taking over your parents' basement or moving to campus, IKEA has hundreds of design ideas and affordable options to complement any budget. After all, you're in your small space era. It's time to own it. Shop now at IKEA.ca. So that's where I think it'll go. It's going to, you know, cell phones are going to be gone.

All this stuff is going to be, all this stuff is going to be able to come to you through brain signals. And you're like, oh, yeah, right, Williams. Yeah, I want you to play this podcast in 20 years, 25 years, and see if there's any true. to what I just said. It's alarming and it can be really good and cool and make our lives easier or it could be incredibly creepy and big brotherish and government mind controlish and you know there's always the bad with the good but but this is this is the beginning and what's scary about the time

we live in now, Flirtel Nurgens and Blargliggins, is it as outrageous as this story is right now, things are moving at such a rapid rate with advances in technology, that even this story will probably pale in comparison to a story that's just about to come out around the corner in the next few weeks, the next few months. It's moving fast, man. Stuff is moving fast. Okay? For those of you that wondered if we're getting into that futuristic world

that we all envisioned, where people float and fly and turn invisible and, yeah, yeah, it's, we're in it. We're in the beginning stages of it, and it's just, it's going to keep, blossoming. And it's either going to make us better and help us, or it's going to kill us. But, I mean, I read an article last year where they've invented a camera. I think I talked about it on the show. They invented a camera that can take pictures around corners. I read something last year where scientists made something go invisible for like a fourth of a second,

which again is the beginning. of something that they will just expand on. Wow. But most of you probably already knew this because you're reading my brain right now. In fact, let's go into my brain right now. I'm going to put a brain helmet on, and I want you all to hear what's in my brain right now.

Here, Roger, have me that brain helmet. Yeah, here we go. Thank you. Okay, here I go. I'm putting the brain helmet on. You shall be able to hear what's in my head in three, two, one. Have a listen.

Okay, okay. Roger. Okay. Shut it off. Roger, shut it off. That's not what I'm thinking. Roger. Oh, God.

Shut it off. Shut. Take it off. Take it off. What does it matter? When I wave to you through the glass, You take it off. That wasn't what I was thinking.

Obviously, this one's defective. Where'd they get this one, Walmart? Okay, let's, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was thinking about some mathematical equations. What? No, not the 60. I was thinking about space exploration, things like that.

I don't know. This thing's faulty or something. Take it back. Roger, take it back to Purdue or Yale or wherever the hell you got it. Totally inaccurate. But anyways, folks, it's coming. This stuff's coming around the corner. I hope you're ready for it.

Get your head cleaned out. Get your thoughts right. Because if you don't, we're going to know about it. Real, real soon. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Wow, this is exciting. we've got her. Okay, gang, this is very exciting here at the Harland Highway.

As you know, the royal baby, baby George was born very recently. Just a few months old, this little toddler. And we've been pressing and pressing the Royal Palace over in London to talk to somebody over there about the new arrival, the new royal baby. And it sounds like we finally got through to the Queen. And is she on? Oh, good.

Okay, let's patch her through. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a scoop right here. Queen Elizabeth, I think we're one of the first podcast to talk to her since the birth of baby George. Are you there, Your Majesty? Hello, Holland. It's Queen Elizabeth. How are you, darling? Oh, my goodness, your majesty.

What an honor to talk to you. You must be just beaming. I'm sorry. Beaming? your majesty? What does that mean beaming like a flashlight? Well, no, not like

just you're happy about the baby. Oh, yes, the baby, that little bundle of joy. Oh, my goodness. I can't believe it. Earlier this morning, he spread diarrhea all over the royal tapestry. Oh, what?

Oh, it's like a little sea cucumber. It just squirts all over the place. Out of every little whole, on his body if you're not squeezing diarrhea all around he's spewing

snort burgers all over the place he's shooting golden royal tinkle into the chandeliers is buffing up wuffles and royal pabloam all over the royal Persian rugs

he's just a regular little shit storm Your Majesty I'm Oh but we do love the little bundle of joy baby George he is. Yes, baby George, and first of all, congratulations your majesty on the baby.

Oh, goodness gracious, I'm 89 years old. I didn't have the little bastard. I mean, for God's sake, my vaginal walls are drier than the Mojave Desert in the middle of a dust storm, my child.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, your majesty. Oh, yes, my vaginal wall. My vaginal wall haven't seen moisture since the dawn of the 15th century. Good Lord. We don't know if we need to know that. My meat flappers are so dry.

If they sneeze too hard, they'd snap right off, Ireland. Oh, my God. Too much information. Oh, but we are very, very, very pleased that the new baby is here. Baby George, we've called him, and just a wonderful, wonderful baby with two beautiful eyes and a little button nose and a little, little ruby red mouth and peachy red cheeks. Oh, he just sounds like a dream come true. Oh, he's absolutely wonderful. In fact, he's feeding right now. Oh, he's feeding right now?

Yes, I have him right here on my chest, and he's sucking away. I'm sorry? He's sucking away on my royal tooty nanny. Your royal tooty nanny? Oh, yes, he's just sucking like a little baby guinea pig on a bottle. It's just unbelievable the way this little bastard sucks on my hookah nanny. Hook a nanny. Wait a minute.

Are you telling me that you're breastfeeding baby George? Well, of course I am. I mean, everyone needs a rest from time to time, you know. I mean, I can't expect the little George's mother to be breastfeeding all the time. I mean, royal breasts only hold so much milk, you know. Wait a minute. You just said you're almost 90 years old? Yes, that's right.

How can you possibly be breastfeeding? Why would you possibly be breastfeeding? at your age. Well, for one, it feels good. I've got to tell you that much. It feels fucking dynamite. I'll tell you that much. Okay, easy, easy.

And secondly, I've got more milk stored up in these royal milk jugs than a camel has water crossing the Sahara Desert. Stop! What is wrong with you? Why are you screaming? I shouldn't scream. I'll wake the baby up. Are you telling me he's feeding while he's asleep?

Well, that's the only way I could get this shrivel prune bag in his mouth. He's not that stupid, you know? Oh, my God. This sounds very, very inappropriate, Your Highness. Well, look, I've raised many children of my own. You know, I've raised Prince Charles. Well, yes, I think that was the only one. Oh, believe me, there were others in some of those tropical islands we visited.

You don't think I wasn't in a grass hutch with the full moon over my head and a couple of cabana boys servicing the royal porthole, as they say? Oh, my God, your highness. Oh, I've got needs just like any other woman does. Believe me, there are some illegitimate royals roaming around under the coconut trees. Oh, your highness. So don't tell me I don't know about it. babies. I've had Prince Charles and who knows how many other ones.

Oh, well, uh, that's a little more than we wanted to hear about, Your Highness. Well, it looks like the little fuckers just shit himself again. I better run off and get the garden hose and spray him down. What do you mean, spray him down? Shouldn't you be giving him a little sponge bath? Oh, not likely to remember the scene in Rambo. I'm sorry. I'm Sorry, Rambo? Yes, remember that movie with Sylvester Stallone? First Blood? Yes, of course I do.

Do you remember there was a scene where they caught him running around in the mountains, and they finally captured him, and they brought him to the sheriff's station? Yes, the sheriff's station. And they stripped all his clothes off, nice buttocks, by the way, sly. Okay, Your Majesty, you're in your 90s. I don't give a crap. He's got the kind of... I'd suck a royal omelet off of it.

Oh, my God. What are you getting at? Well, there's this scene where they get Sylvester Stallone to the sheriff's station, and they take off all his clothes, and they spray him down with a fire hose. Do you remember? Yes, I remember. It was the police were abusing him. They had this high-powered fire hose, and they're blasting him.

That's what I do to the royal baby when he shits his royal diary all over the... Royal Palace. Okay, take it easy. I can't take it easy. There's royal gravy all over my crown. How in the name of holy fuck? Okay, Roger, get her off. Hang up.

I'm not finished. I'm not finished. Oh! Stop screaming, your majesty. Stop and hang up on her. Holy shit! And I don't usually use colorful language on this show, Roger, but what is wrong with that woman?

Holy shit! She's, uh, she's, oh my God, hang up that phone. She, she's breastfeeding? Uh, Kaden, William's child while they're away? Instead of using baby wipe, she's blasting the little George with a full-on fire hose. She's screaming and I'm a little concerned. Well, we've got a phone back later in a few days and follow up on this, man.

It's like that poor baby. thinks he's getting some nice fresh breast milk probably got a mouthful of cottage cheese oh god big chunks of rancid oh good lord all right let's uh let's uh let's go to a commercial roger and let's clean this up and uh we'll be right back oh god fresh is a walk through the woods on an early spring morning is a gentle breeze that takes you by surprise. Fresh is simple. With Summer's Eve, the most convenient disposable douche you can buy.

This exclusive one-piece unit means there's nothing to assemble. And it's available in two fragrances or vinegar and water. The solution doctors recommend. With Summer's Eve, freshness has never been simpler. Oh, God, Roger, I still got the shivers from that queen deal. Well, anyways, let's move on to something more, more, I don't know, more fun. And what could be more fun than a sitcom? And I want to tell you guys, and sadly, this is just for my Canadian listeners,

I have a brand new sitcom coming out on, let's see, I believe it is September. 30th, I want to say. Yeah, September 30th, 830 on City TV across Canada. It's called Package Deal. And I know I talked about this a few months ago. We were originally supposed to launch in June, but they changed up the scheduling and all this and that. And now we're going to be released during the fall lineup,

which is actually a better thing. So Package Deal, it is a... a show, a sitcom about me and my two brothers, and we're overly close. We're overly, it's kind of like if you do something with one brother, you get all three brothers. Package deal. And I play the oldest brother Sheldon on the show. And it's a lot of fun. If you're up in Canada, please check it out.

Tell your friends to check it out. Very excited about it. I think it came out really good. And City TV, 830s on Monday. package deal um and then what else can i tell you about i want to tell you about something else that is new that is really cool and we're going to be putting up a guest uh sampling of this show for you it's a it's a brand new podcast that i don't i'm not uh talking on it but i'm producing it and if you like the movies the way i do i think you'll really love this new podcast that we're

launching it officially launched this week and uh it's a great podcast it's called getting juicy at the movies with donna and julie and um and i put up a sampling of it a lot of you might have heard it um but uh i i hope you uh hope you uh take a take a listen it's basically it comes from, I was at a movie theater in the Midwest, and these two middle-aged housewives were going on and on about movies before the movie started. They were sitting in the theater just chattering up a storm about movies. And I found myself laughing. And so I approached them after the movie and said, hey, my name's Harland. And how would you guys like to, you know, chit-chat about movies and review movies on your own podcast? And they didn't really

really know what I was talking about, but I, you know, I got talking to them, and we exchanged information, and here it is. It's called Getting Juicy at the Movies with Donna and Julie. They review movies and talk about life, and it's a whole lot of fun. And I invite you to take a listen to it, tell your friends about it, pass it on. If you don't personally like it, someone else might like it, or if you do like it, Please pass it around. And especially if you love the movies,

I think you'll love these ladies, Donna and Julie, and their take on the movies. So check it out. I posted one. Some of you probably got it and were like, what the hell is this? What's this on Harlan's podcast network? But it's worth a listen.

And I love to hear your feedback. You can call me at, 323-739-4330 and tell me what you think, or you can write me at harlornwilliams.com where you can also see my store full of merchandise and look at my new comedy schedule. I might be coming to a town near you. Now that summer's over, I'm ramping up to do a bunch of shows. And speaking of which, I will be in Chicago in Schaumburg, Just a suburb just outside of Chicago at the improv, September 12th through the 15th.

That's going to be great. And then the following weekend, I'll be in Knoxville, Tennessee. I've not done a show there before. I'll be there Thursday, September 19th to the 21st. You can go to Harlow Williams.com and buy your tickets online, take a look around, see what time the shows are, all that stuff. So there it is. Make sure you check out Package Deal, my new sitcom in Canada only.

Sorry, American Friends. But hopefully it makes it down here someday. It's City TV 830s on Mondays. And then we will be grooving it out in Chicago and Knoxville, Tennessee over the next few weeks. And don't forget to listen to the new podcast I'm producing Getting Juicy at the movies. with Donna and Julie. Hope you enjoy, guys. Thanks for being here.

My apologies for the Queen. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby.