The Harland Highway - 513 - CONFOUNDING TECHNOLOGY, plus NEW SITCOM, Package Deal.

Episode Date: September 9, 2013

Today Harland talks about his new sitcom PACKAGE DEAL, Also, the plight of the homeless, and one of the must frustrating knobs in technology history. Scrabble my babble!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. How are you today? You're doing okay? I'm doing good. How are you? Why am I talking so fast? It's as if I'm trying to speed through this podcast. Uh-uh, no way.

This Pound Puppie's going to sit and simmer like a nice bowl of chicken noodle soup. Okay? We're going to get into this, Playa. What a show we have today? We're going to be talking about homeless people. homeless people and the condition, the endurance, the stamina of the human body. An interesting conversation talking about the plight of some of the homeless and the less fortunate out there. Also going to be talking about technology.

There's a little piece of technology that affects each and every one of our lives that is the most confounding, annoying, upsetting piece of technology we've ever encountered. And believe me, you've all encountered it. I won't give it away. Wait till we get there. You'll hear it. I think you'll agree with me. And then also I'm going to be playing some clips from my brand new sitcom, which comes out September 30th called Package Deal,

going to be telling you about the show, brand new sitcom, coming out in just a few weeks, play a few little audio clips for you. It's going to be fun, but it always is right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living?

The Harland Highway. Hey-yo. And it's classic. I will find you. My mom always said, You can't handle the truth. Many, many, many, fucking years of therapy. I will kill you.

Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Okay, let's start the show with a very, very important tech question. Okay, you know we all live in the world of technology, gizmos and gadgets. you all have your tablets and your your your iPhones and your laptops and your

whatever whatever's whatevs uh so you're probably thinking my my very very very important tech question is you know how do you do stuff in iTunes how do you do stuff on Instagram how do you line up everything on your Facebook no you're all wrong guess what my tech question is and it's it's probably the toughest tech question there is i don't even think bill gates or the guys at google can answer this one here it is ready my big tech question you ready sit down sit down hold on to something here's my big tech question how in the hell does that little dial on the side of your toaster work you know the one i mean The little dial looks like a volume switch.

It goes from zero to ten. And it's supposed to equal out how brown your toast gets, how long your toast cooks. It should just say BS. It should be a BS dial. How much BS do you want this morning with your marmalade and your fine British jelly? Do you know what I'm talking about, gang?

You go, oh, it's more. It's afternoon, I'm going to have some toast, some delicious, lightly browned, crunchy toast. I'll plop it in, ding, ding, ding, there we go. Oh, there's a little dial here with all these numbers on it. Apparently, I can have it very lightly toasted, I can have it medium toasted, or I can put it all the way up to ten, and have it look like the road in front of my house, just black and just as hard. So what do you do?

Most of us probably put it at a four, a five, right in the middle. You know, most people want their toast just before it goes around Burn Lane. Just before your toast takes the corner around Scorched Avenue, right? You want your toast done as good as it can be done and hot as it can be hot. before it starts to burn. So you sit that dial just at the right number. Four or five, I bet. That's middle ground, right?

So why is it that your toaster, and I've had many toasters, and many of them have done this, just completely ignore that stupid dial? I'd like to take a toaster apart because I don't even think that dial's connected to the toaster. I don't think there's any wire, I don't think there's any connector, I don't think there's any gizmo. I think it's a cosmetic dial.

You know, let's make them think that toast is sophisticated. Let's make them think that you actually have control over your toast. Imagine that thinking they have control over their toast. Let's slap a dial on there and make them think they can brown it any way they want. nice try the gig is up man it's just a bunch of BS that dial uh-uh I'm not falling for it man I'll put my toast down I turn that dial to three or four I'm like oh good I'll go I'll go cook something I'll go make some eggs I'll microwave something I can rely on my toast to pop up just when it's supposed to.

And then I'll be working away. I'll forget about the toast. Oh, that's one more thing off my mind in the morning. Oh, stress-free toast. What a wonderful world. I praise the people that created the toast-browning dial. God bless you, toast-browning dial, angels. And then all of a sudden, you're puttering around,

emptying the garbage bag, whatever. You got your head in the fridge, you're like, wait, what's that smell? Is my house on fire? Is there a forest fire around here? Should I call 911? You look up, smoke billowing out of your toaster. Right?

Your waffles are on fire. Your toast is just, there's smoke coming out. You can see the top of the toast sticking out of the, just over the ridge and it's black. It's almost like, you know, You're just like, oh, no, toast, you're burning alive. It's like your little buddy in there. And you feel guilty that you let it burn.

And you're like, wait a minute, I didn't let it burn. I had the toast dial set. And my beef is here that that thing does bunk. It never works. It never, it's never accurate. You know, your toast comes. up it looks like uh it looks like something off the battlefield like a burnt body after a giant atom bombs gone off your toast is black and curled up and if there's raisins in your toast

they're they look like meteorites they're just they're molten lava and there's something about that smell man the smell of burnt toast it's almost like you ever smell burnt hair or burnt rubber. It kind of fits into that category of smells you don't want to smell. And it permeates, not just the kitchen, the whole house. Anyone can wake up or walk. Oh, my God, did someone burn the toast? Oh, God, that's no.

Open some windows. Look how smoke it is in here. Where are you? Hello, I can't see you. I'm trapped in a cloud of raisin bread smoke. Hello? Is this someone there? Hello?

Is it someone in the kitchen? kitchen burning toast hello it's just insane man so there's my big tech question of the day steve jobs if you're listening google apple anyone albert einstein if you're listening to the harland highway please please set us straight on how that damn toaster knob works and how i can finally I can finally make the perfect, nice brown toast. What's that, Roger? Oh, that's it. Roger's telling me I should put tanning lotion on it.

Yeah, oh, yeah, I'm sure it'll be perfectly bronzed. You know, that's not a bad idea. That stuff tastes like coconut, right? Okay, well, let's go make some toast and with some tanning lotion. See if that helps. oh delish If you're going to be a unicorn Don't you just eat one corn

Like a unicorn Anyway I just want you to know that Up here in Ottawa I'm going to be Checking out your new show I'm ridiculously excited And I hope

I hope everything goes well rating-wise for you Good love and don't put me on the air otherwise I'll be really mad loving man this is Mark by the way I just want to put my name in there just in case you do put it on the air then I'll know it's me

I'm usually drunk when I make phone calls like this so it'll remind me later okay I'm just wasting your answering machine space now and I apologize for that that's not very nice of me Okay Okay

And that's enough Okay Take it easy M-A-R-K Well I won't say your name We'll just spell it here M-A-R-K We've been

You asked us not to say your name M-A-R-K And we will not say it We will respect Your words And we will Never utter the name M-A-R-K.

Just spell it so no one will know, okay? So just so you don't forget it, mark this down, mark it down that we will never say M-A-R-K. Just get a magic marker and mark it down because we will not say M-A-R-K. Mark my words, we will not. Mark my words. I will not do that to you, M.A.R.K. Mark it down. Okay. So M.A.R.K. was referring when he said he was excited about the new show airing. He's talking, of course, about my brand new sitcom called Package Deal, which will be playing across Canada. Sorry, USA. Hopefully it's going to be sold down here. But at this point, it's only premiering up in Canada. every Monday, premiering September 30th at 8.30 p.m. on City TV, Package Deal.

And it stars myself, Jay Malone, Julia Voth, Randall Edwards, Eugene Levy, Pamela Anderson. Oh, my God. So fun. So fun. And it's basically Packaged Deal is about three overly close brothers and how they get into each other's business all the time. step all over each other's lives because they're just overly close that way. And I play the oldest brother Sheldon. And I hope all you Canadians listening tune in to this show. It is actually the first Canadian sitcom that's ever been done in front of a live audience.

So really cool, really excited. And here is a sneak clip, the first clip, audio clip, right from the show. And this is a segment where Randall, the youngest brother, Randall plays a character named Danny, the youngest brother. And this is a scene where he starts to tell us that he thinks he's met the girl of his dreams. And I'm there telling him how he can use cooking as a way to seduce women. And he's just not getting it.

So have a listen. Package deal. premieres September 30th, 830, Monday night on City TV. Look, Kim is different, okay? I think she could be the one. One what? You know, the one. Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, little bro. Are you trying to tell me that you used my creme brulee secret to get into some kind of a relationship? I told you. you that was strictly for getting you laid. Look, I know how disappointed you must be, but sometimes these things happen. And so, of course, our little brother, Danny, goes on to get involved with this girl. And me and my brother, Ryan, the second oldest brother, we decide that in order for this girl to qualify in our brother's live that, you know, we're going to make a list.

And we're not happy that she's a vegetarian and she owns a tea shop and we think she's a little bit hippie-ish. So here we go. Another quick little clip from the show package deal where me and my other brother are making a list grading our little brother Danny's brand new super hot girlfriend. So she doesn't eat meat. There's no reason to hate her. You'll change your tune once you've experienced your first broccoli and cheese. dip dutch of them. Don't be shallow, okay?

I mean, she's well educated. Her tea shop sounds really nice. She could use a little more ass, though. First of all, don't look at my girlfriend's ass. And second of all, seriously, don't look at my girlfriend's ass. Well, Kim is awesome. Okay, she's fun, smart, goofy in a good way, and she's into me. Who knows what she's into?

She's a raging alcoholic. I'm sure Kim has... some good qualities thank you let's make a list no let's not all right kim pros and cons vegetarian con that's not a con it's ethical snob con bossy con con how is she bossy she changed your name to dan i like being called dan bad influence con how is she in the old saceruny Okay, no, this has gone far enough. Okay. No, she's amazing.

Like no other woman I've ever been with. Slot. Pro. Add it up. Okay. I'll give her a C. A C? That's it?

Hey, that's not so bad. You can get into most trade schools with that. Congratulations, you're dating the DeVry of Women. The DeVry of Women. Yes, there it is. little clip from package deal. So there you go, Canada. Very proud of the sitcom we did.

Please spread the word around. Twitter it out, Facebook it out. Get it out there. I want this thing to spread across Canada like a Quebec fungus, whatever that is. And I think you're going to like it. I hope you like it. We had a great time doing it. And, hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreet. for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out.

You know, tune in. Tune in. Let's get out of you. Sounds great. How about some Chinese food? Nick Danny. He's got a hot girlfriend. Kim is awesome. She's fun, smart. She could use a little more ass, though. Don't look at my girlfriend's ass. meddling big brothers. You're going to love them. You're a meat salesman? I've got three dozen cuts of sirloin in the trunk.

I can give you a sweet deal. What are your intentions with our brother? What are you? Was parents? Went away. Yes. I'm the one who potty trained you. Yeah, and you didn't do such a great job.

Apparently, you're supposed to lift the seat up. Says who? From the producer of Malcolm in the middle and Third Rock from the Sun comes a hilarious new comedy. Hi. That could have gone so much better. Being in love means taking the whole package. Others, they're overbearing and just weird. Razzina, back on the street.

Don't you have your own little club, and I'm not a member. Yeah, it's a penis only club. Yeah, there it is, package deal. Woo! All right, and I'm going to have some of the cast members on some upcoming podcasts here, and we're going to interview them, and we're going to talk about the show and some of the hijinks on set and yada, yada, yada. Yada.

So once again, June, September 30th, gang, tune in on City TV 830 right across Canada. And again, U.S., I'm so sorry, don't hate. So let's move on. Let's move on to something that this is a weird one, okay? This is an observation I made. And it's just an observation. I don't want you to think it's cruel or mean spirit. because it's not.

It's an observation that I've made on several occasions. And I guess it's kind of a tribute to the resilience of the human body. But I think you've all been through this same experience. You're driving down the street or you're walking through the city. And you look over and you see homeless people. and again, I don't want this to sound mean. This is a reality. I've seen over the years, and I just saw some people the other day, and it made me think of this.

I saw a woman that literally I looked at her and she was in such a state, physical state, that I seriously went, how can that woman even be alive? and of course my heart felt for her my my spirit felt for her I felt very sad my mind was like what kind of world do we live in where some people end up like this

and without getting into all the psychological and societal levels and strata of the class system and economics and all that because that's that's a theme that plays out through history throughout the world. What really struck me is this woman was, you know,

her skin was dirty, she was severely overweight, her hair was just a rat's nest, her hygiene was clearly at a two out of ten, she barely had enough clothing, and I go, wow, How resilient is the human body that you can take it to a state where obviously this person didn't have access to hygiene and medical attention and cleanliness and just the basics.

And yet here she is walking around, you know, moving around through societies, walking in the street. And I just go to myself, it's like, I see people in the emergency ward. I see people going to the hospital. I see people dying who are people that have the good fortune of not being homeless. And they go to the gym and they eat a great diet of veggies and fruits and grains and all the things you're supposed to do to prevent illness and cancer and all these things that could end your life or give you sickness and disease.

and then you, you know, you see some of these people on the street and you go, how? How are they here? How are they alive? Look at the condition they're in. How can you punish the body? How can you treat the body like that and still circulate? And for lack of a better comparison, it was almost like looking at a Neanderthal, like a caveman person. I mean, this person was disheveled and their hair was in knots and their skin was brown with dirt

and their teeth were out of order and their clothes were stained and their skin had, you know, lesions. And again, this isn't a knock against homeless people. It's an observation about the punishment that the human body can take. and you just wonder, at least I do, I go, I go, how can that person be doing this? How are they not dead? How are they still walking around and, you know, they look very healthy just in their walk,

you know, not limping or crawling or hobbling, but just normally walking around, but in this state of total disrepair, and I saw another guy on a sidewalk. I pulled up to a light, and there was a guy with a, I was in the back of a taxi, and all of a sudden I had the window down, and this guy at a bus stop who was clearly like a hobo or a drunk.

He only had a few teeth, and he was, you know, he was clearly inebriated. His eyes were all glazy, and he had horrible clothing on, and he's like, hey, man, what are you doing? doing in a taxi, man. Did your car break down? And he's laughing and he's happy. And I'm just like, obviously this guy has been immersed in this horrible lifestyle

for probably decades. Look at his body and I'm going, how is that body still motoring? How are all the pieces moving? And obviously, if you got inside a lot of these people, you'd probably find, sickness or things that are wrong, but it just blows my mind. It blows my mind that people can just live and keep motoring with so little.

And I'm not talking about people lost in a forest and they're eating bugs. I mean, I'm talking about people, citizens of the city, who probably get good meals at a soup kitchen and get donations and get people giving them handouts. but despite all of that care and handling, they just let their bodies go. And I think you've all seen a homeless person

or somebody in the street whose body is just beyond anywhere you could ever imagine your body being. And you go, how? How is that guy living? And Ed, who works over at Merrill Lynch and wakes up and showers every day and brushes his teeth and watches his hair and eats his granola and watches his cholesterol and goes on the treadmill four times a week

and plays tennis on the weekends. How is that guy in the hospital with a stroke or heart attack? And yet this guy or this girl over here who looks like a tumbleweed who looks like they crawled out of a garbage dump, but I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just saying this is the appearance. It's unbelievable. And, you know, it's a bit confounding and confusing

because, you know, you hear all these surveys and these studies and these tests about what you should eat and how you should care for yourself and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you look at these people and go, wow, the body just keeps going, man. You can punish the crap out of your body. and these people are living proof, and God bless them, you know. But, you know, this is what I do a lot, guys. And I know it's probably, you know, counterproductive.

But I'm just going to throw it out there because I've run into a lot of these people. We all have. You've run into people like this on the street. And they're beaten up, and they're dirty, and they don't have, they have clothes falling off their bodies. and they have lesions on their skin and their hair has just, it's just a rat's nest.

And you can't relate. You can probably at times be repulsed. And they go, hey, man, you got some extra change. Can you give me a dollar? And you take the approach where, oh, I'm not giving that person a dollar. Look at, they're dirty, they're gross, they're disgusting. And anyways, they're just going to go buy dope

and buy booze and keep getting drunk. And I used to be that guy that was like, yeah, I'm not giving them a cent, man. I'm not going to contribute to their drunkenness and their habits and their lifestyles. Look at this guy. And then I got to a place where I really sat down and thought about it. And, you know, if you look at your own life and think how good you have it, sitting in your apartment, watching your TV, going to bed with your loved one, having three square meals a day, you have a job.

And these other people have found a life of drinking and sleeping on a gut, on an air vent. And, you know, I don't think, and this is something I personally learned, and you don't have to adopt this, but it's food for thought. I think at one point you've got to put your judgments away. You got to put your feelings of disgust or whatever you may have away and go around it and go, you know what, this guy's reality is the bottle. This guy's reality is the crack pipe. You know, I could stand here and go, you know what,

if I give you a dollar, you're just going to go buy booze. I'm not going to help you. Well, at the point these people are at, if they're going to go get help or get help, that's got to happen and it will happen. But in the meantime, their reality is living on the street and drinking from a bottle, and you can't change it. They're suffering.

They're suffering real bad. And maybe, and this sounds kind of, I don't know, counterproductive, but maybe their only friend is the bottle. Maybe that's their life, that's their need, that's all they have. Maybe that bottle is the only thing that gets them through to the next day. And the next day may be horrible. The next day may be a living hell. But it's what they need.

It's what they have. It's what they've chosen. And you deciding not to give them a dollar doesn't change it in that moment. What changes it is when they make a decision in their mind to finally hang it up and walk into a clinic and get help. So now, even though I know where the money's going, I go, man, if I can give this guy a dollar and help ease his pain, no matter what that is, I'm going to do it. And I feel bad that I know he's going to buy a drink. But I also feel worse that he has nothing. He doesn't even have the bottle that gives him comfort and keeps him going.

And it's a horrible thing. It's one of those decisions that we're forced into. Well, do I help the guy or do I not help the guy? If I help them, am I really helping him or I'm making it worse and blah, blah, blah. But that's stuff that can't be resolved in the matter of the moment you're with them. It's a bigger commitment on their part. It's a bigger operation. So just food for thought.

I don't want to guilt you out and tell you what to do, but something to think about. Next time you're confronted with someone who's not quite as fortunate as you, and they're asking for something from you. It's an interesting debate. It's an interesting way to go. And at the end of the day, we hope that people get the help. you know and and it's not being realistic for me to say well if you really want to help why don't

you just ask the guy to get in your car and have them come live with you and you know give them a shower and shave them up you know we all know that's not realistic that that's these people need real real deeply entrenched help some of them might have psychological issues they have chemical dependencies they might have backgrounds in crime they might have backgrounds and instability, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I'm talking about just in that moment, what do you do? Food for thought. But the real reason for this conversation was just to go, wow, look at our bodies.

They remind us of the punishment, the abuse that a body can take years and years of ingesting liquor and drugs. and it isn't to say that the mind doesn't start to dissolve, but the human physical form just keeps on pumping. All the organs keep going. It's just amazing. It's amazing to me. So I don't know if that's amazing to you, but there it is.

Some thoughts and observations here on the Holland Highway. So there it is. Let's wrap up the show with you thinking about that stuff. Gee, thanks, Harland. No, I hope it somehow stimulates you and makes you think next time you see someone out on the street that's looking for a little handout. How will you handle it? Food for thought. Let's move on.

Let's get to some announcements here, guys and gals. Don't forget, let's see, what are we doing? Oh, yeah, it's this weekend coming up. oh my god September 12th to the 15th I'm going to be at the Schaumburg Improv which is just outside of the city of Chicago okay

come to the show it's a great comedy club it's beautiful it's huge it's really nice it's one of the nicest comedy clubs in the country and have great shows there tons of fun please come out go to harlom williams.com you can reserve your tickets online

And then the following weekend, I will be in Knoxville, Tennessee. Go to my website, and you will check on the stand-up comedy link, and you'll be able to look up the club there. And it's going to be awesome. I've never been to Knoxville to do stand-up, so this will be a first. Come on out, y'all. Then don't forget to check out the store at harlomwilms.com.

We have all kinds of fun merchandise, books, CDs, movies, t-shirts. I just put some new illustrations in beautiful frames. There's only two, so they're probably going to go really fast. They're hand-drawn and framed and kind of kooky little signed pieces of artwork that I did. Stuff like that doesn't last too long in my store. So check that out if you so desire. If you want to write to me, comment on any of this stuff,

Harlan Williams.com, you can write. or if you want to leave me a voicemail, 323-739-4330. And don't forget the sitcom package deal premiering January or, gee, I keep saying January, premiering September 30th, Monday night at 830. If you're in Canada, please check it out on City TV. So that's it for today, gang. Thanks for being here. remember be kind to people that aren't as fortunate as you sharing is caring show a little

heart it'll make them feel good it'll make you feel good and take care of your body take care of your mind and until next time chicken chau main baby