The Harland Highway - 516 - SCARY STUFF IN OUR FOOD, Queen Elizabeth calls in.

Episode Date: September 19, 2013

Ever find something disgusting in your food? Today we discuss. Also a Pavement Pounder calls in and tells me she LOVES me, and QUEEN ELIZABETH calls in to discuss the Royal baby, Sweet tender twinkle teeth!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I hear the ticking of the clock. I'm lying here beside you tonight. Okay, ruined a perfectly good love song right out of the gate. Wow. Sorry Hart, who wrote and composed that song. Welcome to the Harlan Highway where you will fall in love with this podcast. I'm glad to have you here. Speaking of falling in love,

I'm going to play you a phone call where it looks like somebody fell in love with me. Whoa. And you won't be able to blame them when you hear what I did. Whether you hear what I did to make them fall in love. It was so easy what I did. It took less than a second

for me to make someone fall in love. with me. Way to you hear it. Also, we're going to talk about something that will make you fall into hate. And that's some of the gross crap that you find in your food that the government allows. They allow some really gnarly stuff to be in our food. Way to you hear what we've got. And then a call in from the Queen of England to give us an update on the Royal Baby George. Unbelievable. as always here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harlan Highway.

I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harlan Highway. Hey-o. And it's classic. I will find you. My mom always said, You can't handle the truth.

Many, many years of therapy. Many, many, many. Fucking years of therapy. therapy. I will kill you. Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway.

You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan. I just heard your interview on the Allison Rosen podcast, and I really enjoyed it. And it brought back a memory that I had from when I was 14. I was at the 1998 Saturn Awards, and you either winked at me or smiled at me. I can't remember exactly. The memory is blurry, but I think maybe you winked at me.

And it really, I don't know, I've been in love with you ever since. And I lost track of what you were up to for a while, but I just checked out your website and your podcast, and it's really great. And I just wanted you to know that, though I'm sure you smile and wink at everyone who awkwardly stares at you, it was a very special moment for me so that's it thanks bye okay okay awkward uh oh oh i winked at you and you were 14 no no no no no no i probably definitely smiled at you uh winking just isn't in my wheelhouse i i don't wink at people and especially 14 year old girls That's just, that's, that's creepy right there. But I probably definitely smiled.

I do tend to smile at people, especially I think most people do if you catch someone staring at you, unless they got like drool coming down and they're stabbing a machete into the floorboards while they stare at you and make this noise. Ah, okay, if they're doing that, that's just not good smiling and staring and winking material right there. But, hey, you know, I try to smile at people. Smiling's friendly, smiling's nice, and I'm sure I smiled at you. Happens all the time, especially when you're at a function, you know, when you're out of show, an award show or something. you're just always smiling it's like being at a party who isn't smiling at a party someone i was 14 yeah i get it you were 14 um awkward again yeah what wasn't a wink and you know

it might have been a a bug flu in my eye or something like that i just could never imagine a time when i would let alone wink at someone but a 14 year old no um but do you get people that wink at you i think there was a it was there ever a time when it was kind of friendly and kind of like uh oh what a cheery old guy winking at me i always found winking a little creepy um i don't know it's just what what is a wink saying there's a wink saying hey how you doing is like waving with your with your eye hey how you doing wink wink, wink, wink. Or is a wink a little more sexual?

It's like, hey, look at my eye closing, kind of the way I'd like to close the bedroom door while we're in there together. Wink, wink, wink, close door, wink. It's an awkward thing, and no one's ever really defined what a wink is saying. I remember when I was a little boy and used to go to church, and there was this old guy, this bald old guy.

He looked like the guy from Monopoly, and he'd always be a church, and he'd have the white mustache, and he was very distinguished, wore a blue suit, and whenever I'd catch us looking at each other, he'd just do, he'd wink at me and do a little, like, grin. And part of me was like, oh, I got a secret relationship with this old guy. He just, he thinks I'm a good kid. He thinks I'm a good 11-year-old kid. He's just being a friendly old man. and then even at that age

I was a little suspicious I was like, wait a minute don't guys usually wink at girls isn't that kind of like a sexual thing isn't it kind of a flirty thing what's the Monopoly guy winking at me for in church on a Sunday

excuse me Monopoly guy no I will not pass go I will not collect 200 if that's what you're thinking and you will not get a get out of jail free card for what you're thinking. So I've always found the wink a little off-putting. Now, if a woman, a beautiful woman, guys, if you're wailing down the highway, you know, the window's open, it's 90 degrees, flies buzzing around inside your cab of your vehicle.

and all of a sudden a blonde pulls up beside you in the other lane in a convertible her blonde hair blowing in the breeze she's got these big dark

sunglasses off pearly white smile red lipstick cute summer dress she looks over pulls the sunglasses off beautiful crystal blue eyes big eyelashes, and she winks at you? Are you kidding?

Er, er! Pshah! That is, now that's what winking's for. That's where you want to get winked. There's a good old wink right there. Okay, or if you're at a bar and some gorgeous girl is leading up against the bar and you're like standing with all your buddies,

and you make eye contact, and all of a sudden she winks? Oh, yeah. What a 79-year-old man with a white mustache who looks like he's the Monopoly guy? In church, winking at an 11-year-old boy, namely me? That's called trauma. That's called therapy. That's called to catch a predator. I shouldn't say that he was a nice old guy I'm sure it was harmless

but it set the tone for me to be really really careful about when and where you wink and so young lady and you do you sound sweet as hell I hope that whatever connection we made I rest assured it was more than likely a smile and if it was a wink maybe I was goofing around because it sounds like you were a kid and when I was 14 and so a wink probably never happened but now I think all our listeners here

you sound kind of sweet you sound like you got a bit of a sultry voice and I think it's just a natural curiosity that anyone would have now we're all thinking well what the hell does she look like now if she was 14 then I'm guessing I think you said it was in the late 90s so now you're probably about 26

you're probably a full-blown woman, and you're probably allowed to be winked at. And I'm going down to the garage right now to get my Monopoly costume on. I've got the big top hat and the three-piece suit with the little raised collar and the shiny black shoes and the cane. I'm gluing on a white mustache.

Where are you? Now I do want to wink at you. am I right guys even girls are we curious what this this lovely lady looks like now I mean after all she's in love with me apparently she says I think maybe you winked at me and um it really um I don't know I've been in love with you ever since wow what kind of smile what kind of smile do I have man I like that if I could just smile at people and suddenly they fall in love with me I could be like an X-Men.

I could be like smile guy. My enemy's coming at me with a laser cannon. Prepare to die, Mr. Williams. And then I just smile at him. I think I love you, Mr. Williams. Yeah, well, you don't want me to wink at you, buddy. Please, I'm in love with you. Wing at me all you want.

Okay. Bing! Pshah! So what do you think, people? What do you think? This lady didn't leave her name, this woman, this, this person. And I think, you know, we all want to know what she looks like now. So what I'm proposing so that this romance can keep moving.

I'm proposing that whoever you are, mystery lady, is you email some pictures. of yourself to harlem williams.com you can go on to the website and write to the show harloweems.com and if you want if you give me permission i will post the pictures on the harland highway uh facebook page and the folks can see uh who the uh who the who the winked at or the smile that girl is. Because now we're all curious about this. This is good. Or if you want to send them and just keep it private,

it's your call. And then I can tell the folks on another podcast what I thought. How lovely you are. Or maybe you're not lovely. Maybe you have three eyes and the tail. I don't know. But it's your call. I think we're all curious.

And, you know, I'm going to get out in the street and start doing some winking now. I'm thinking a winking. That's going to be on my t-shirt. That's my new slogan. I'm thinking a winking. No? Okay. Well, anyways, thanks for your call.

And I'm glad that our eye contact made such an impact. I mean, I wish I could be so lucky with the rest of the world and just stare at people and be burned in their memory banks forever. But unfortunately, I don't think I leave that much of an impression. But I certainly did with you. Thank you for following everything. Thank you for listening to the podcast. And I'm glad we had that moment.

I wish I was more aware of it in tune with it. But, hey, my credo is if it gives you something, if it makes you feel something, then that's sweet enough. Thanks for the call-in. Don't forget, everybody, you can call in, too, here at the Harland Highway. And maybe I winked or smiled at you, too. And I don't want any big truck drivers or lumberjacks calling in with a story like that. Because that ain't true.

323-739-4-3-30. You can call in and leave me any story you want. If I like it, I'll put it on the podcast. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse.

Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire. order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

Adameneve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. After all, it isn't every day that we entertain celebrated contest winners. The Harland Highway Crazy news stories That's weird

That's strange stuff Well here's something crazy gang That's gonna give you the shivers Shiver me timbers This is a story about Someone who found bones In their cereal

Okay, some lady found mouse bones in her breakfast cereal. Have a listen to this. I noticed there was something long in there, and it was not shaped like the cereal. A pregnant Shea Bowman Smead was finishing her bowl of cereal Saturday morning when she noticed something peculiar. There's absolutely no way. She says she found what looked like a bone floating around in her bowl of life cereal. What I really like about this story is that she found. death in her bowl

of life. Of all the cereals she was eating, she finds symbols of death. She finds bones in a cereal called life. Now that right there should be a lawsuit. That's psychological trauma. I mean,

if you're going to have bones, maybe in Count Chocula. I mean, the guy was a vampire. He killed people. He was a murderer. He sucked their blood. You expect to find bones in Count Chocula, not bones in life. While a bone in your cereal may be disturbing, gross food fines aren't unheard of.

According to the food and drug administration, animal droppings, insect heads, and even mold to a certain degree are allowed in food in small amounts. Oh, oh, in small amounts. That's okay. Hey, Bill, uh, hey man, I just ate a bowl of Cheerios and there was a rat skull, uh, in my Cheerios. Well, how big was it, man? I don't know, just kind of like, uh, maybe. be an inch or too long oh that's okay that's allowed man oh okay it's kind of give it a nice

texture ought to be honest oh yeah that's that's great yeah as long as it's not the whole skeleton you know no i wouldn't want that but just the skull that's that's like throwing a strawberry in there yeah it's really nice yeah are you kidding me we're allowed small amounts of this stuff okay Let me ask you this, if you were at a nice restaurant and you found a cockroach in your food or a fly in your soup. Do they get away with it? Uh, waiter, there's a cockroach in my lobster beast. Oh, yes, monsieur, that's fine. You're allowed? Excuse me?

You're allowed, we're allowed to... Would you like a few more? We're allowed a maximum of four. Uh, no, I think I'll go to McDonald's waiter. Yes, sir. you enjoy the rat burger what god and apparently we're allowed all there's a the fda the food and drug administration allows certain amounts of crap in our food like mold and feces and hair i mean to take a listen to just a few examples right here if you're not already barfing in your bathroom for example potato

Chips are okay, as long as at least 94% of the pieces are not rotten. Noodles can have up to four and a half rodent hairs, and cocoa beans per pound can contain up to 10 milligrams of mammal waste. Good night, Nellie Frittato. I like that mammal waste. Instead of just saying, shit, mammal shit, waste. Like a, you know, like a couple of gophers were doing spring cleaning and found some tin cans and an old Kleenex.

Hey, throw this waste outside. Why would I throw it outside when I can throw it in that food product over there? All right, whatever. Just get rid of the animal waste. Okay, thanks. Then they chew each other's faces with their big teeth. So how much of you ingested ladies and nerdle-noggins? How much crap of, do you think you've eaten in your life?

and you're all sitting to go, I've never done it. Oh, I don't eat hair and waste and insect eyes and turds. Guess what? You probably have. Ew. I wonder how many. I wonder how many you've eaten.

I mean, let's say you're 30, 40 years old, man. That's like four decades. You got to wonder at this point in your life, how many, if you could stack them all up, those little, those little mouth. house turns, a little pellets, you know? If you could stack them all up, would it look like a box of those chocolate-covered raisins? Have you had that many?

And rodent hairs? If you put all those together, could you make a little pillow? Just maybe a throw pillow for your bed or maybe just a little pillow for behind your head or maybe one of those horseshoe-shaped pillows that they use on the airplanes? like a neck relaxer pillow. Ah, time to have a nice little rest on my rodent pillow. Oh, thank you rats, mice, muskrats, and beavers for shedding your skin into my food products. Fortunately, I was able to filter them all out and make a nice throw pillow for my bed.

How many bug eyes? How many bug eyes have you eaten? Maybe that's just to be a new cereal. Bug eyes. I mean, they're kind of big and round and crunchy and crazy colors, green and purple. Kids love kooky stuff like that. Hey, mommy, where's my bowl of bug eyes? Coming right up, you little friend.

Ha, ha, ha. So how much crap have you eaten? Ugh, pretty scary. And what about this lady that ate the mouse bone life? As for Bowman Smeab, she doesn't plan on biting into life anymore. No, unfortunately, it's my favorite cereal. Oh, man, bummer. But if there's anyone out there in marketing, listening, you know,

maybe counter-programming always seems to be successful. How about you start a cereal called death? You know, you can put it right up there in the grocery store beside the life. Life, crunchy, frosted flakes, sugary flakes, and then death, sugar-coated mouse bones. Mmm. Cinnamon-y, sugar-coated mouse bones. I bet owls would love that. I want a bowl of death.

So there you go. Just get a strainer. You know the thing you use to strain your spaghetti when you pour it out of the hot boiling water? You pour it into the strainer and all the water seeps you. Do that now with every meal you eat. Like if you get a pork chop or a steak or cream corn or peas, Just everything you get, throw it in the strainer and wash it with hot water. I know it might wash all the sauce off, but at least at the end of the day,

you get a hair, turd, and bug-eye-free, delicious, wet meal. Why, George, I think he's got it. Yeah, you got it all right. You got bugs in your food. Gee, this bowl of cereal sure is hairy. What? Hold on, gang. What is it?

No, she's not. Again? Hold on. Well, it looks like Rogers waving at me. Stop waving. I can see you. Yes. What is it?

He's holding up. Queen Elizabeth is on the line. Again? Wasn't she? Didn't she call in a few weeks ago? Yeah, I know about. the baby, the royal baby. Okay, good.

All right. Well, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. It looks like we had her on a few podcasts ago. Queen Elizabeth called in to tell us we kind of got the scoop. It was cool. And she told us all about what's going on with the royal babies. Okay, let's put her through. Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like what a treat.

What a blessing. We have a call from London, England, the Queen of England, with a royal baby update. Let's patch her through, Roger. Uh, hello, your majesty. Uh, how are you today? Oh, hello. Hello, how are you today? It's so nice to hear from you again.

Well, hey, the pleasure is all ours, Your Highness, and we really consider it an honor. that you would, you know, talk to us on the podcast? I'm sorry, on the what? On the, uh, the podcast, Your Highness? The, the, the, the podcast, your highness. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Podcast! Don't you raise your voice at me, you little twat?

I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's just you seem to be getting hung up on the word podcast. Well, I'll hang you up. That's what I'll do. I'm sorry, you're madgey. I didn't mean to get off on the wrong foot. Well, but what do we owe the order? To what?

Do we owe the honor? To what, do you owe the honor? Yes, to what? Do we owe the honor? Well, we wanted to get an update on the little royal baby, your majesty, the baby George. Ah, yes, that little treasure. What a wonderful, wonderful child. He's getting older by the minute.

Well, yes, I guess he's a couple of months old now, or maybe three months old. Somewhere around there. Who's really counting? Well, I guess somebody is. Well, whoever they are, they should get a life. Yes, Your Highness. And how is the little toddler? Is he fun?

Well, he's backed up like a Chinese fire hydrant. A Chinese fire hydrant. Oh, yes, he does nothing but crap the nappies. That's what little babies do. Well, unfortunately, that is part of being a baby. You don't really know when and where you're going to, you know, go to the bathroom. Well, I know where he's not going to go to the bathroom. What do you mean, Your Highness?

Well, it's hard to go to the bathroom when you have the Royal Bottom Hole Plug. What do you mean the Royal Bottom Hole Plug? Well, the baby does have royalty in his blood. Well, yes, yes, Your Highness. And that means his dunghole is a royal dunghole. A royal dunghole, your highness. And what I've done is I've taken the royal fire log. The royal fire log.

And plund it up his little royal bunghole. Wait, wait a, what are you talking about? I stuck a fire log up his little bunghole. Wait a minute, you can't do that. Oh, yes, I can, that little monkeys been cropping all over the place like he's a little French poodle in a dog park. I won't put up with it. Well, wait a minute, your highness, she can't just get a fire log and shove it up the little baby's bunghole. Yes, I wasn't going to say it.

Then I will dung-hole. Is it dung-hole or bung-hole? It's both. He's got a big fat dung-old bung-hole. Okay, Your Highness, I don't know if this is really the way you should be treating a royal baby. Oh, well, rather that, that you would walk around the royal palace and step on little baby turds everywhere? Let me tell you, young man, it's like kind of never.

gate across a beach when all the baby turtles have hatched and they're running into the water to save their fucking lives and you happen to step on one of them because there's so goddamn many of them. Your Highness, you now take it easy.

Don't tell me to take it easy. You know how many pairs of royal slippers I've soiled stepping on one of those little baby turtle crops? Well, now your highness I took a fire long. from the royal fireplace, a medium to small-sized one.

And I plugged his little bunghole, his royal bunghole, with some royal cedar. Oh, my God. I don't think we need to be talking about this. I'll decide what we talk about. I am the Queen of England, and you are a lowly peasant whose head I will cut off. If and when, I bloody feel like it. Now, Your Highness, we all know you're not going to cut my head off. Just a minute. God! God! I said God! Come here!

Yes, Your Highness? I want you to cut his head off. I'm sorry? I want you to cut... Who am I talking to, please? Uh, me? Yes, you. Who are you? I'm Harlan Williams, ma'am, from the Harland Highway. I want you to cut Harlan Williams.

Williams-Harland Highway's head-off. No, it's Harlan Williams, and I'm on the Harland Highway. I want you to cut Harland-Williams head off the Harland Highway. Close enough, Your Highness. Oh, man, we can't cut a head off. Yes, you will. And then when you're done that, I want you to cut your own head off for your insubordination. Uh, Your Highness, insubordiation.

That's right You know Maybe this isn't going so good Roger I think maybe we caught Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth On the wrong side of the bad Maybe can we call you back At another time

Well you'll have a hell of a time calling me back When you've got no head Oh that's right I forgot That's right I will chop your head off And put it on a stick And put it in a field

and let it be a warning to anyone else who ventures down the holland. Highway? Highway, and I will cut their heads off and put them on a stick. Okay, Roger, let's hang up. This is really not a good time. Can I tell you about my royal slippers? No, I think we're going to go. Thank you, Your Highness.

They've got jewels and they're gold, and they've got rubies on. Okay, thank you. Rubies and green, green Christmas candies. All of... Hang up on her. And little sparkly eyeballs. Hang up! Wait, I'm not finished.

And silver trinkets and hang up, trinkets. Good God. Get her on. Get it off. Roger, Hank. Disconnect her. Thank you. And what's with the royal music?

I think she might be ill. She seems obsessed with the baby going to the bathroom. Oh, God. You know, sometimes I think we get these great scoops, and then it just turns out to be a nightmare here on the Harlan Highway. Anyways, that used up the back end of the show, the ramblings of an insane royal. well let's do some quick announcements gang if you want to see me live doing stand-up live i'm

going to be in knoxville tonight wow knoxville tennessee boys i ain't never been there i'll tell you what well i'll tell you what well tell me what well i'll tell you what okay what oh i'll make me come over there, because I'll tell you what. What? What? You said you're going to tell me what? What? Forget it.

I'll be in a place called side splinters in Knoxville, Tennessee. My first time to the region, never done stand-up over there. Looking forward to it, I've got to tell you. And check out my website, harlowe Williams. com go on the stand-up link and you will be able to purchase your tickets online take you right to the site and looking forward to a big turnout in Knoxville, Tennessee. Come on out, catch the kid and we're going to have a blast. I'm there all through the weekend. Well, not all through. I'm there Thursday, Friday, Saturday, September 19th to the 20th.

And that is going to be a real, real treat. And then moving a little north in October, October 11, 12, and 13th, I will be at the Pittsburgh Improv. What a spot. Have a great following up there. Great club. Tons of fun. So I'll see you at the Pittsburgh Improv.

October 11. through the 13th. And while you're on the site looking at the stand-up schedule, please go to the YouTube link and subscribe to my YouTube page. We are putting up a lot of

funny videos and content. We are going to start rolling out in segments. My movie that I wrote and directed called Fudgy-Wudgey Fudge Face, we're going to be rolling out the three-and-a-half, four-hour version in like five,

minute segments. She'll be able to follow this movie over the next few years. Yeah, nobody's done that before. Five minutes of a movie every week. So join the YouTube page. You can follow me at Twitter at Harlan Williams. And you can write to me if you want. If you have any comments, you can write to Harlan Williams.com while you're there.

Or you can even call and leave a voicemail if you're so inclined. and maybe I'll wink at you. Um, 323-739-4330. And, uh, look forward to hearing from you. And then check out the store if you want to buy t-shirts or, uh, posters or paintings or CDs or DVDs or movies or T-shirts, all kinds of stuff there. Books, Carmelcorn. no um and uh that's it man that is it tell your friends to get on the harland highway uh thanks for being here guys and gals look forward to uh seeing you the next time and until then here's me

winking at you over a great big bowl of chicken chaube oh and don't for i almost ended it Don't forget to check out my new sitcom for all of you Canadians listening. Package deal, premieres September 30th, 830 on City TV. The whole series is going to run every Monday night, 830s on City TV right across Canada. So let me try that again. Here's me winking at you over a great big bowl of chicken. Chalmy, baby? I think maybe you winked at me.

I've been in love with you ever since.