The Harland Highway - 518 - BROKEN HEARTS, getting DRUNK, Dr. ASCOT returns

Episode Date: September 26, 2013

Dr. Ascot drops by for an annoying visit, songs that remind of us of our broken hearts, supercollider science, and a new way of getting drunk. Crack a crisp!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good morning, Star Shine. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no. We don't need to start the show with cigarette voice, okay? Welcome, one and all. This is Harlan Williams. You are on the Harland Highway podcast. Great to have you here, as always. I sincerely appreciate you being here.

That's awesome. sharing and caring and comparing and glaring all those things and today's show wow we're going to talk about matters of the heart love and specifically do you remember the last time she walked out the door do you have a vision in your mind of the last time you saw your lover leave oh painful stuff but We're going to root around in your emotions and talk about it. We're also going to be talking about a new way to get drunk. Yeah, there's a brand new way to get drunk, and I think it's legal. You can drive.

You can do everything because it's new, and they don't know what to do with it. We're going to be talking about some scientific inventions, the Super Collider. And unfortunately, Dr. Ascot is here today to guide us through the whole. whole sordid mess right here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway. I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing

for a living? The Harland Highway. Hey-oh. And it's classic. I will find you. My mom always said, you can't handle the truth. Many, many years of therapy. Many, many, many. Fucking years of therapy.

I will kill you. Well, I! Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Here comes a bad one. Oh, here comes a bad one, everybody. Listen, have you heard of this? Auto Brewery Syndrome. Have you heard? Have you heard of it? Auto Brewery Syndrome.

This is about to turn the police roadside check onto its ass. This is about to turn everything onto its ass. Apparently some guy has this weird ailment where he can get drunk without drinking a drop of booze. Um, apparently there's this rare and bizarre ailment, newly dubbed the Otto Brewery Syndrome. Um, so every time, uh, this guy would eat carb, carb rich food, his gut turned it into alcohol. Can you believe that, man? This guy's, uh, this guy's eating like a bowl of spaghetti. Getty and getting hammered.

That's unbelievable. Can you imagine the cops pulling this guy over? Woo! Yeah, I need you to blow into the breathalyzer, sir. I'm telling you, officer, I haven't been drinking. Sir, look, I need you to blow into the breathalyzer. But I wasn't drinking of it. Orifice, sir, you're clearly very impaired.

Now, blow into this breathalyzer, and it will tell us what you had. Okay, orpicistur. But I'm telling you, Arifers, I haven't been drinking. Well, let's just look at the breath analyzer, shall we, sir? Okay, what's to say? Well, well, well, well. See, it looks like you just had spaghetti carbunara. I told you, officer.

And lasagna. And some bread. I mean, whoa. What the hell is, what the hell does this mean? for the olive garden man uh sir we're gonna need to take your car keys what for you just had our shrimp scampy special

and you are completely three tits to thursday uh right uh uh huh i mean that's scary man getting drunk off of carbs You imagine an olive garden?

Today's special is the shrimp scampy, lasagna, and a fine angel hair pasta with pesto and a light drizzle of olive oil. Can I get that on the rocks, please? Yeah, give me a double. And can you put a twist of lime in there for me? And can you put it in a shot glass so I can eat it in one shot? Oh, God. And you know this guy's legally going to get off if he's driving around drunk on food. He could drive drunk anywhere he wants.

All he needs is one of these arsehole lawyers that specialize. and looking for loopholes. And this guy's walking. He can drive drunk all he wants. Your Honor, my client is innocent. Well, it says here, sir, that he was inebriated and ran over seven families on the boardwalk. Your Honor, does the words

Olive Garden ring a bell? Excuse me? Uh, yeah, he, uh, he had some, uh, veal scallopini, okay? And some spaghetti of meatballs. Oh, well, then you're free to go, sir. I mean, it's, it's weird. And what kind of stomach do you have when you're this guy? Who the hell are you?

Are you part cow? Isn't that what cows do? Like, they have eight stomachs and it's like a, A distillery down there? They eat a bunch of grass and it slowly filters through each stomach till finally they pissed tequila. I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think the cow thing's accurate, but...

God, can you imagine this guy burping? Smells like the floor of an old Irish pub? Oh, shiver me timbers. Oh, excuse me. There's another one. Oh, shiver that. That smells like a dirty bar rag. Oh, look.

Oh, the smell of puk and stale beer. Oh, shiver me, Chimbers. Good Lord. So there you go. Look for that as one more big excuse to get hammered out there. Some guy will, you know, some guy will take this to court. Yeah, Your Honor, listen, I couldn't help it. I, you know, sure, I drove through a, I drove through the wall of a J.C. Penny, you know, but I was, I was completely hammered, you know.

I had, I had some toast for breakfast, and I got behind the wheel, so kill me, you know. Like, a guy can't have a couple of slices of toast anymore and drive to work. gee excuse me for a ramming through the mall with my Chevy Impala like where does it go man so there you go gag next time you get pulled over next time you get over by the get pulled over by the po-po you know what to do man just tell them uh hey I got auto

I got auto brewery syndrome Okay? And I was just driving up to Kentucky into the hills because I'm going to start my own abdominal moonshine. Yeah, I got my own brand of booze coming out. It's called Lower Intestine Triple X Moonshine. Yeah. Ah!

Psh, wheeh! Hello? Hello. Hey, Harland. Can you explain how a hydron collider works? I just don't get it. Thanks. Okay, well, I'm here to help, man.

I'm here to help. I don't think you mean the hydron collider. I think you mean the Hadron Collider. Okay, and for those of you that don't know what this thing is, it's a miracle of science. It's this crazy thing that, when I tell you about it, you might not even believe it. So it's important that this caller asked about it,

because who better to tell you about this contraption than yours truly? This thing, this hard on, no, it's not a hard-on collider. That's something you get at your sex toy shop. This is the Hadron Collider. And let me just start off with telling you that this thing is like a giant circle under the earth. And when I say giant, okay, this thing's like 17 miles around in circumference. And for those of you that aren't good with, you know, visualizing that, if you're more blue collar, picture a 17 mile around donut, okay?

a giant donut under the earth. Okay, they buried, they dug this tunnel under the earth. I think it's something like 500 or 600 feet beneath the earth in like Switzerland. And what this thing does is it accelerates particles. And what I think they do is the particles are in beams of light, and they travel around in this underground circle and they try to get two particles to collide. And then I guess what they try to do is decipher the energy

that comes as a result of this collision. And I could be way wrong here, but I think that's what it does. And I think the theory behind it all is they're trying to find the origins of life, like the Big Bang theory. They're trying to see if this collision is in any way similar to what they believe to be the Big Bang theory when the universe collided together and became a thing.

And I think there was a lot of worries that from the scientific community and from the general public that this collision of these particles would reproduce the Big Bang theory and in essence create a black hole. And people were concerned that our planet was going to be sucked into a black hole should this experiment work. And those are the broad strokes of what I think it is. But sir, what it really is, it's an underground coffee maker. The world loves coffee

And really it's just a giant percolator It goes around and around underwater They put underground They put coffee beans in there And sir, where did you think the world You know how many cups of coffee you drank every day Where did you think that coffee came from? Yes, yes

17 miles of tunnel under the earth Five, six hundred miles under the earth, they're making coffee, sir. It's a very good question. And this whole, you know, we want to discover the beginnings of our planet and our universe is a very good cover-up for delicious, caffeinated, rich, rich coffee. And if you're not buying that, I guess they're hoping to learn all kinds of new things about physics, about energy, about speed, about light, about heat, about mass, about, I mean, you've got to be a real brainiac to figure out the collider. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes.

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Don't throw your back out. So to make it easy, I just say it looks like a giant underground donut. And that's where all the world's coffee is brewed. Okay, I hope that helps, sir. and we'll see it, Dunkin' Donuts. We can sit and talk science, maybe. What we've got here is failure to communicate. Okay, let's switch gears to something that's even more of a mystery

than the beginnings of our universe, which is more unsolvable than any scientific query that could ever be presented, and that is the matters of the human heart. Oh, gosh. There is a, the human heart, and when I say human heart, I mean romance,

the romantic side of the human heart. There is a mystery for the ages that will never be solved. The mysteries of romance, of feelings, of the joys of love, the hurt of love gone bad, love gone away. Oh. And I think we've all been through it, gang, haven't we?

And I was listening to a song the other day by Genesis. And there's one line in the song that just got my mind thinking. and it was such a sad line. It's a short line. It's a beautiful line, but it just, it kind of like conjured up so many memories and sadness. And I don't mean to bring you down on the show here, but let me play it for you and see what your reaction is.

If you immediately go to certain places, or maybe your mind hasn't gone in a long, long time, Take a listen to this little line from a very popular Genesis song. Oh, I know you're going. I can't believe. It's the way that you're leaving. Oh, I know you're going. It's the way that you're leaving. Oh, does that not remind you of, and this is sad. I don't even know why I brought this up, but, uh, you. Does it remind you of a boyfriend or a girlfriend, a wife or a husband, and it was over?

And that last look out the door, that last walk away, that last time you ever talk to them, that last time you ever saw them, how much does that tug at your heartstrings? flirtle-nergens and bublergo-blurgens ouch right you just see the back of them

you watch her as she closes the door behind her where she steps behind the wall at the airport where she gets out of the car for the last time you look out your living room window and

see her getting her car and pull down the driveway, and there it goes, everything. All the memories, all the laughter, all the sunshine in the hair, all the lovemaking, all the shared secrets, all the tears, all the pain, oh, God, all the happiness, all the magic, all the special things that you never would have unearthed with anyone else in the world, just that person, just her, or if you're a girl, just him. All the special things she made you feel. There they go.

I know you're leaving. It's just the way that you're going or whatever the line is. Play it again, Roger. I can believe It's the way that you're leaving I know you're gone I can't believe It's the way that you're leaving

And is there any good way to be leaving Is there any good way to be going It's just one of the coldest And emptiest feelings ever And I don't think the silence Ever gets louder When you hear that door click

shut when you see them step away and you know there's the breakups and then there's the breakups when you know that it's cooked it's done and you're just standing there in the silence and you're like what five years of my life just walked out the door three years of my life two years of my life 22 years of my life just went around the corner and they're gone they're not going to touch me anymore they're not going to look in my eyes anymore we're not going to laugh anymore oh god oh god oh god i feel i feel like i need to stand in a sleeping bag with warm olive oil right now and just get warm oh oh and you probably have that thing right i know you're i know you're leaving but it's the

way that you're going or whatever it is it's it's you think there's something to it you think there's a coldness to it you're like why do you got to leave like that why is it just got to be so cold why and then you go but there's no other way when you leave it's cold you can be leaving in the desert and it's cold it's it's just empty it's that last moment all the things you had all the things you were just walked away it's like a living death like a love zombie

it's still alive out there on the world but it's dead she's still out there walking around but all that you had is dead it's a love zombie oh my god I think I just coined the new term

a love zombie oh oh god and what about when it's you sometimes you're the one that walks away do you remember that last glance back the look on her face or his face if you're a girl when you say that's it it's over i'm gone and you you you you pull out of the car and you look back and you want to make it right you want to make ah you know what it's okay i'm glad we have this talk let's stay in love and be together

And it's so hard because you have to be strong in that moment. You have to have the willpower to walk away from someone you love, love the strongest force on the earth. And you walk away from it. Oh, God. Oh, God. Why did I bring it up? Oh, God. You walk away from it.

And you just feel empty and sad like you want to cry. I wish I could just make it turn around Turn around and see me cry Oh God God, it's awful It is just awful And I don't know if any of you listening Have just been through a breakup

Or, you know, probably still have memories Of a distant breakup I mean, that's what I'm talking about here. It's just so, so pointless and cruel. People like, oh, well, it'll make you grow. It'll make you, you know, one door closes, another one opens. It makes you grow stronger. I don't know.

Just bites. Just kills you. And it's not like I'm going through a breakup or anything, but I heard that song and it just, it hit me, it was powerful and it made me remember like past relationships that ended and started having me reminisce of how sad it is. And it started the wheels turning, thinking about some of the amazing, wonderful, best times of my life I've ever had with an ex. You're like, man, why does it have to go sour? Why?

Why? So there you go. Oh, God. Thanks a lot, Harlan. I was having a good day to you put this crap on. I want to go jump off a cliff. Hey, man. You know me.

I just get on this podcast and I start talking about what I'm thinking about. That's the point of this. I talk about what I'm feeling, what I think about, what I've heard. And, oh, God, there's no digging my way out of this one. I just pulled us into a dark, sad place. But anyways, I enjoy talking about all this stuff. Let's take a little commercial break, Roger. When we come back, I think we better leave the folks with something a little more cheery,

something a little more upbeat and not so heartbreaking. Go to a commercial. We'll be right back with some fun stuff right after this message gang. There's so much I need to say to you. So many reasons why you're the only one who really knew me at all. So take a lady. now Well, it's just an empty space

Mom? Mm-hmm. I've got to ask you something real personal. Mm-hmm. Do you douche? I sure do. But only with Massingville, vinegar, and water. Why, Massingil, vinegar, and water?

That's what my doctor recommends. For a naturally fresh feeling, only Massengill has two vinegar and water duches, pure, extra mild, and extra cleansing when you need it. You'll see how clean and fresh. Mashingo makes you feel. Massengo, trusted by more women than any other brand. Hello, Alland.

Oh, God, how did you get in here? What are you doing here, Ascot? Oh, Land. No, what do you... Roger? What are you doing here? I'm here for your all-air therapy sessions, All-Land. Okay, but I was here doing a show.

You weren't scheduled today. I know, Holland, but I was listening to the show. and I heard you talking about your broken heart Okay, I was just talking about I went out to get a drink during the commercial And I come back and you're here That's right, Holland Oh God, what do you want?

Holland What do you want here, Ascott? Holland Holland. Carmel-colored. That's right. And the shoes? Raspberry beret, Holland. Raspberry beret shoes and caramel-colored pants. I think you're familiar with the Prince song.

She wore a raspberry beret. The kind you find in a second-hand star. Raspberry burress. Stop singing. Barry Bray. Holland. And stop saying my name. Holland.

What do you want, guy? Holland, I want to deal with your issues of saying goodbye to a loved one. Oh, brother, I was just rambling. I heard a love song on the radio. I don't need

counseling. Oh, Holland, I could feel the pain in your voice. I could hear the sadness in your heart, Holland. Doesn't everybody have that, Dr. Ascot? Doesn't everybody carry with them a little pain of a love gone by? Where...

Yes. Where you have that moment? Yes. Where you have that moment where you... Like I said... Yes. Stop saying yes. No.

Stop saying no. Yes. Well, continue, Holland. That moment, that last moment when you see them walk out the door and you can't get it out of your head forever. The door closes behind them and it's burned into your memory banks and it's a source of perpetual sadness that lasts forever. Yes, Holland, this is very, very common.

As you stated so eloquently, Allent, this happens to each and every one of us and I'm here to help you with that today wait a minute what do you mean I'm here Arland to help you forget the pain of the last time she walked out the door wait you can do that

yes Arlen that's what I'm here for I'm a professional therapist well that's in debate okay I will cure you of the heartbreak from the last time she shut the door on you, Holland.

And how are you going to do that, Dr. Ascot? Holland, I want you to step over here to the doorway. Um, why? Well, is it not, in fact, the doorway where was the last time

you saw the love in question leave? Yes, it wasn't the door. to my studio, but it was a doorway. Holland, a doorway is a doorway, is a doorway in Norway.

What? I heard it. What was the last part? In Norway. A doorway is a doorway, is a doorway in Norway? It just rhymed, Holland, so I said Norway

at the end. But it's really supposed to end on the third doorway. What are you talking about? A doorway is a doorway, is a doorway, Holland. Yes? In Norway. In Norway was the part I added at the end, Arland.

Why are we talking about a Nordic... Can we get on with this? Yes, Holland. Here's what I need you to do. To help you forget the pain of watching her go out the door. for the last time, Holland. What is it? I want you to stand right here in the doorway, Arland.

Okay, let me get out of your way. Okay, move over, thank you. Now, stand in the doorway, Holland. Close your eyes and think about the last time she walked away and slammed the door. Okay, my eyes are shut. I'm in the doorway, and I'm thinking about the last time Sally walked out the door. Excellent, keep thinking.

Okay, are you picturing the door closing for the last time, Holland? Yes, I'm seeing it close. Is it closing tighter? Yes, the door, it will. wide and now she's walking out and is the door closing more yes it's just about closed and is it almost closed completely now arland yes it's just about oh what the hell did you do ascot i slammed the door arland ow my fucking head you son of a bitch and your caramel pants and your blueberry shoes.

Raspberry beret, Arland. She wore a raspberry beret. Stop singing! Holland. You just slammed a door on my head. Well, it looks like you're focusing on your head, Arland, than not focusing on Sally. That is the dumbest logic.

Am I bleeding? Look at this thing. Ow! Ow! Ow! You did it again! Holland, I'm trying to cure you from your heartbreak. Okay, you know what?

Get the hell out of here. You don't slam a door on a guy's head. Look over there, Holland. It's Sally. What? Ow! Oh! Oh, you ass wipe.

Ow! Oh, my God! I think you're almost cured. What do you mean? Almost cured. No! Oh, you fuck it. Oh, get out of here.

Get out of here. I'm happy to leave, Holland. How should I leave? Through the door. Oh, you mean this one? Ow! Get out! Roger, get him out of here.

Get out! No! God! Ow! Turn his stupid music off. I'm all bru-turn it off. I'm all bruised. Ow! Idiot! An idiot.

Last time I share any deep emotional... Ow! Well, let's get out of here. Let's end the show. If you want something a little more cheery and you want to see me live. Bruised. If you want to see me live doing stand-up comedy this weekend.

Oh, boy, oh, boy. If you're in the Los Angeles area, you can catch me live at the Brea Improv. The Brea Improv is out in Brea, California. It's about, I don't know, 35, 40 miles outside of L.A. uh you can go to my website harlowe williams dot com and uh click on the uh stand-up comedy link and you can order your tickets right online it's going to be a great show come on out we're going to be selling my brand new t-shirt at the show which is hilarious it's one of these uh it's like a it's like a

a word i don't know it's like a word trick thing it's like my my my t-shirt's just a bunch of random letters and then you kind of fold it up and it says f off on it it's kind of rude but it's funny because if someone walks up you and goes hey what's your shirt say you just like fold up the fabric so that the bottom meets the top and it says f off so there you go you could also order those at my web store we have them in all sizes at the harland williams.com web store. Brand new t-shirt. It is a lot of fun, man.

You will sucker punch a lot of your friends with this shirt. Trust me. So get your order in at the store. So it's a Brea Improv. That'll be this weekend, Friday, September 27th, 28th, and 29th. And then the next day, September 30th, if you're in Canada, I know I've been going on about this, but I'm excited.

My new sitcom package deal premieres Monday, September 30th at 8.30 on City TV, right between how I met your mother and two broke girls. And we sure hope if you're up there in Canada, you will tune in. And then later in October, October 11, 12th and 13th, I'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv. And then later in October, I'm coming up to Edmonton and Calgary, up in Canada, which is going to be a blast. So just throwing the October schedule out there a bit early for you. And like I said, go to the store, pick up the new F-Off shirt. I promise you're going to stun your friends with this shirt.

It is a blast. and then tell your friends to get on the highway here. I want to thank everyone who's been coming out to my stand-up shows. I have people who come up to me after the stand-up shows and go, hey, I listen to the Harlan Highway, and I'm like, yay! That's awesome. I love it that you guys are coming to the show. So thank you so much.

And we will catch you the next show. Thank you for being here. Hope you had fun. And until next time, chicken chalmaine, baby. Oh, I know you're going. I can believe it's the way that you're leaving. It's like we never move each other at all. And maybe my fault.

I can hear too many reasons being alone. when I didn't want to I thought you'd always need oh I always believe you all this time I still remember everything you say

I'm Thank you.