The Harland Highway - 521 - It's a late night hang out after a night on the town.

Episode Date: October 10, 2013

Harland does a late night Podcast after hanging out on the Sunset Strip with his buddy Matt. The talk turns to girls, sports, and general abuse of each other. Finger lickin good! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, everybody. This is Harlem William. Harlem William here on the Harlem Highway. And it's late at night. I won't say which night it is, but it's late at night. It's like 1.30, almost 2 a.m. in the morning. And me and my buddy Matt have been out goofing around on the old sunset strip, rolled back in, had a chili dog and a cheese.

Tortilla. Oh, yeah. And we thought, let's lay down a podcast. So here we go. A little bit of a different format here today on the Harland Highway. Just a couple of slightly buzzed dudes fresh off the sunset strip. And you're here to Evesdraff, or whatever the word is, on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway. Hey-oh. And there's glasses. I will find you. My mom always said. You can't handle the truth.

Many years of therapy. Many, many, many, many. Fucking years of therapy. I will kill you. Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get.

It's the Holland Highway. How are you, buddy? Hi. Okay, that probably says it all right there, ladies and gentlemen. Hi. Oh, hi. What is that? What do you need some insulin?

I was the one buying drinks, and I figured tonight we would drink. I know, but what was that high? That high was like... Hi. Oh, God. hi hi rhymes with guy hey by the way the high work tonight because i got a lot of numbers i got how many numbers okay so matt oh god matt was on the prowl at this fancy uh hollywood uh pub or bar pub how many might i'm at the pub hello right always to say welcome to hollywood dead

let's go to the pub so how many numbers did you get uh uh uh Um, counting the girl from Czech Republic. Yeah. Who I introduced you to, by the way. No, no, no, no, no. Six feet tall. No, you didn't introduce me to her. Oh, okay.

I, dude, I climbed up her back and I said, can I, can I mount you tonight? That's actually what I said to her. And she said, I have a boyfriend. And I said, well, where is he? And she says he lives in Canada or something. And I go, well. Don't pin this on my country. Well.

Well, apparently that's where Czech Republic boyfriends live. Gross. Yes. So, you got her number. Have you texted her yet? I did, but I don't remember her name. It was like... It's Russian.

Why don't you say like bloody Vlostovsky? Schlaken, floflauggen, Schultken, Skulski. Hello, is this Schlagen Flophloshky? Flisleken Schlalken? Yes. Swedish. What was that? I don't know.

You sound like you work at a lot. Ikea. It can't be any worse than your favorite football team's, the Steelers. Quarterback. Roethelsberger. Raffles Burger. Are you kidding me?

Come on. What is that name? Is it Jewish? Is it Polish? It's like an $8 cheeseburger. It's a Ruefels burger. What is a Rothels? What is a Rothels?

A Rothless. Ruffles. I know what a burger is. Rathless is a very high. Diane Cowell that was raised by the king of England, the Rose, and the less is, it's, I don't know, it's, you know, it's there, but the Roethless Burger is a King Burger. I just don't think that the Stanley Cop should have the name Rothelsberger engraved on it or whatever. What do you play for in football? I'm curious, how many Stanley Cups has the Canadian country of,

Canada. Oh, God. Actually one. Most of them, hello? Other than Montreal back in 1922. Dude, Toronto has the record for the most Stanley Cops. No, Montreal does.

No, Toronto does. No, they don't. It's Montreal. Montreal does. If Montreal does, it's only by a couple because for the longest time it was Toronto. How do I know more about your national sport? Because you don't.

You don't. All I know is Sidney Crosby Canadian I know plays for the Steelers for the penguins Yes

But don't sidestep Rothelsberger man You can't have a guy In the NFL A giant quarterback And his last name's Rothelsbergers Oh wait I got a new text from her Okay so just so you know

He's been out cruising at the bar He got a bunch of numbers and he's been getting these dirty-ass texts. What does this one say? Read us the one you wrote and then now read us the response. Well, I had to, okay, but this is a number of a girl that I've known. Yeah, the stripper. She's a stripper.

Why you got to blow that all up? Well, I mean, is it a secret? Yeah, it's just like she listens to the Harlan Highway. That's true. Nobody does. Yeah, so there you go. You're pretty safe. So this is

I'm just spitting game here And she wrote Look, I don't want to be offensive to you I just always thought I was a booty call But like I said, I obviously got something from it And it was worth it to me Wait, what? She's this is what she wrote

She thought you and her were a booty call Yeah, but she wasn't upset because she said it was worth it and she got something out of it. Oh, what'd she get? A sore ass? Yeah, that's shut you up pretty good. I don't know how to, I don't know how to answer to that. Well, what'd she get out of it?

It's not like you guys date. No, but you see, how often do you see her? I haven't seen her in, um, a year longer than that and she's she must have got a lot out of it gee I got so much out of it I'm telling you this is

like back when I lived with Wilmer this is way back in the day what are you texting to her right now I just wrote it was well worth it but what neither of you remember anything it was so long ago we remember this girl

this girl knows how to do it do what do it all she wrote a handbook what what is she so good at that other girls aren't um name it really she's that good oh she's she can write a book so why don't you just make her your woman make her my woman well make her your girlfriend what she can't cook her over the head no like if she's so good at everything you're my woman now yeah exactly if she's so good if she's so good at everything You're my woman now. Yeah, exactly.

If she's so good at everything, why aren't you permanent? Permanent what? Boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm not permanent because I can't, dude, I honestly, I don't know if marriage works. I've watched so many people go through it and I don't know. I didn't say marriage. I said boyfriend and girlfriend. You said make her my girl, my woman.

That could be a girlfriend. Oh, well, you're talking about making my girlfriend. Then that's just, that's just dumb. Why would I do that? Because you said she's amazing at everything best you've ever had. Right. This girl's hot. Look at this girl.

How about this girl? Check this girl out. Who? She was there tonight. Yeah, she was there. She was cute. Did you get her number two? Oh, I've known.

Yeah, I knew her, though. So that was another. I got six numbers and three, four of them were new. Playa. Player, play a. Well, who are the other one? You got a six foot. Oh, yeah.

Why don't, Czech Republic? the girls are gorgeous. She was okay. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying in general, not just her. She was six, three. She had heels on. No, no, she was six, too.

She took the heels off. So what do you want to do? But you're wearing her with spots and pretend you're going out of it with a giraffe? Uh. Who else did you get? You got the check? I would like to climb that like a, like a fireman on a ladder or going to put a fire out. Oh, God.

you'd walk out with an old lady. Yeah, we should be very tall. Even when she's hunched over in her 60s, she'd still be taller than you. Oh, God. Who else did you get? You got a six-foot check. Oh, the wolf girl.

The wolf girl. Yeah, what was her name? It was a costume party we were at. Lijin or something? Latrine. Lijin. Latrine. Legene.

Latrine. She was a toilet. You never know these names Can we get like a Jen or a Sarah? I've met five girls that have more Constance in their names tonight That's more what? Constantinence

What are those things? I don't know what is a consonant Constantin, you know like K, J, Those are letters No, vowels are what? Letters No, what's a vowel? A letter. A, E, I owe you

Sometimes why. And the constant is. every letter that isn't right you just said it every letter yeah so why is it a i oh you so why you got to put a constantant on it because these girls are like check chart you don't like there's nothing normal i want to hear i'm going to meet a susan how about bill smith with that but honestly this is like you meet so many girls i know you do who me yes of course when you're out about how many girls do you meet that have a weird name like why can't you just be Tina

You need to be Tina with an IE Y apostrophe IE What do you There's all kind of like Susan's and Barbaras and Bettys What do you?

It's like everybody out here has to have A fancy name so you remember me Oh in Hollywood you mean That's I'm talking about Yeah Girls are meet up here Oh yeah I met a girl tonight named Lion Witch in the wardrobe

I'm not going to forget that name Hi, what's your name? Um, butter. Okay. My name is labyrinth sewage. This is my friend closet. Yeah. No, I know what you mean.

Hi, I'm Trinket. Hi, I'm Silver Lexus, and this is my friend, um, Viginal clipper. What? What'd you say? I said vagina wall. Oh, God. I met her tonight.

Who, vagina wall? Yeah. Isn't she a superhero? Da-da-na-da-da-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-da-da-da-da. Nothing can get past her. I don't know. I don't think a vagina should have a wall. That's just a little hard.

That sounds like a construction zone. Isn't it like a tube or a tunnel? Yeah, that's weird. Why would they say wall? Yeah. I picture Spider-Man crawling up a vagina wall. It's always damp and... Oh, really.

Right. It's weird. It's mildewy sometimes. Okay. Why don't you frieze it? Oh, that's true. You really? Yeah, you can.

You can frieze a vagina. Good God. I read about it in National Geographic. Were there pictures? No, well, no, just showed you how it was a diagram. Oh, a diagram or a diaphragm? Oh. Look out.

Wordplay. Was that a constant? No, but I'm... Did you meet Harry Twat tonight? Who? Yeah. Oh, she was nice. She was.

God, imagine that. I'm going with something a little different. My name's Harry Twad. Dude, this mic is all soaked. You sure Tom Green wasn't drooling on it? Maybe, but too late now. What do you mean it's all soaked? You're the one drooling on it.

I haven't done anything to it. Nobody's been on that, Mike, but you, we just sat down. It's got that foam thing on it. Good Lord. Jeez. You're the one. drooling all over, talking about your six-foot behemoths. Like nipple muzzles.

Yes. Now, why these girls? Yeah. What does the deal with them? No, but why do you have to get so many numbers? Are you playing like a numbers game? Is it like you cast a net? You have to.

You have to do a numbers game because the whole like, oh, I'm going to hold out for one girl. Yeah. And she's perfect. Ain't going to happen. That's old school. Yeah, it doesn't happen. You know, you meet one girl and you marry her. Like, you met a girl in high school and you spent 70 years with her and you hate her guts, but you won't get divorced.

Yeah, that's stupid. Do people, does that even happen anymore? Do people get married and stay together that long anymore? Yes. Yeah. I think. I hope so. Well, I think it exists.

I honestly, other than, I don't know. My parents are still married. I could tell they're, like, still together because, you know. For the kids, even though you haven't lived there in 20 years. I'm not sure, but, I mean, they're still together. Your parents are still together. Yeah. Yeah.

They still love each other. They, oh, they have a deep love for each other, but it's not like I would say my parents are romantic and, you know, flowery and I love you, darling. They're more like, you know, we're together because it's been. so long and it's that we tolerate each other and we're used to each other and there's a comfort level and you know you you almost become a piece of each other you know what was your mom's name again uh corn dog get in here corn dog and ride my corn dog oh my god you just made reference to my parents sexual activity that was that was that they do you hear that when you were a kid oh how could i if i wasn't born yet no i'm saying when you were a kid when i was a

kid i you're let me just rephrase it you're asking me the host of the harland highway if when i was a kid i would hear my mother yelling get in here corn dog let me ride on your corn dog is that what you're asking me you're unbelievable corn dog yeah but why would she call herself corn dog maybe she she likes to talk dirty to herself you are dude i you know there's some things in my life i i never want to think about and you just forced me to think about seven of them harland come in here and scratch my back all right while your dad takes me to all right disgusting unbelievable i should i should make you spend a weekend with my parents as punishment your parents they're nice people now wait a minute let me ask you to the are the girls out

there doing the same thing like you're out there casting the fishing net you get five six numbers in a night, which is pretty good. I don't know if most guys pull that off. You do pretty good. But that's only, because I don't go out for a year, so I say it off for one way. Still, I mean, you know, even if you didn't go up for three years to

go to a bar, we were out for what, three, four hours. And you give, that's a number, an hour. That's pretty good, dude. And I'll vouch for you, okay, the girls you got numbers from were pretty hot. I'd say

ranging from, you know, probably the six and a half to the eight and a half zone. Oh, they're cute. So that's pretty good. Yeah. Now, what I'm asking you, if you could kind of get out of your comatose state, the guy's just about falling asleep over here. I'm not falling asleep. I'm just trying to, like rubbing your head.

Okay, I'm asking. What's your point? My point is, do the girls cast the net, too? Is this being played on both sides of the gender fence? Here's the problem. Ready for this? Yeah, hopefully you have a point. What is it? Ladies, gentlemen, ladies are stronger players than guys are now.

Come on, why? Because they realized they can be. What does that mean, though? What is the average guy sitting in his underwear, eating a bag of Cheetos, listening to the podcast? What does that mean to him? It means this. Stop being all romantic and trying to be the perfect this and that Because that's not what girls want anymore

That's the truth That's harsh Yeah look I'm all about I wish I wish it was in 1940s and you romance the girl And you go on dates and walks in the park And that's that just doesn't happen anymore Wait you literally go up to a girl And this is what you need to do

You have to just cut all the bullshit out And just say, what are you doing tonight? I don't know Do you want to get together? yeah or not that's what it is that's there's no there's no like is that just hollywood or is are you talking like if i go to a farming community in arkansas i'm going to walk up to some hayse and go hey what are you what are y'all doing tonight i was in indiana for two weeks okay for that jersey before that uh phoenix and dallas and i've been all over the last month

like three months i've been all over this country okay it's the same everywhere whoa that's that that's kind of sad here's the thing it's actually no it's it's a good thing in in the sense because women now here's the thing the forget the bullshit cut it all out trying to be like the perfect date get flowers and open the door you don't need to do that you don't need in fact girls are turned off by that because a it makes you look like you're trying too hard The girls want guys who don't care. They do. All right.

Well, that's kind of a shame. Is it? Well, do you want a girl that doesn't care? I don't know. I'm saying the cat and mouse game, the game of it. Yeah. It's like this. If you were with a girl and she was like, she's super hot, but guess what?

She will not talk to you and you tried everything. Yeah. She keeps pushing away. You call her. She doesn't call you back. You remember that. That girl, more than the girl who texts you and calls you all the time. All right.

But I think you're talking, you're talking as a guy, for the record, you're talking as a guy who's been through a lot of women. You're talking as a guy who's had a lot of relationships, had a lot of girlfriends, a lot of one-nighters. No, no, no, I don't undo a lot of one-nights, actually. Well, you've had a lot of flings. No, I, I, I, I, I don't, you're, you're speaking from the perspective of a guy who's, uh, you know, out there looking for the fast and the furious. And so that's the type of response you get. But if you were a guy looking, I'm not looking for the, the long term, real deal. No, that I am.

I actually am. Really? One of these girls I'd be interested in that I met tonight as far as like going into a, whatever, relationship, if they were worth it. Right? But none of them are worth it because, you know, once you get to, like, spend five minutes after you talk with them, they're annoying. Wow. You sound like maybe you've given up on romance. Oh, absolutely.

What's sad? But who actually has romance? Who has time for romance? Maybe. Why don't we do this? Some people have time for halibut, and other people don't. Why don't we do this? Maybe there's a girl listening right now.

who still likes romance yeah you want to you you willing to throw your facebook uh page out there no so you're not really looking no i don't even want you use my last name on this i'm going to ask you to delete it when we're done here wow wow well hey man what but let me ask you what do you looking for i don't really look you know it's kind of like uh it's more like let it let let uh let it just kind of come into play but you have to go after it right yeah if you if you want it okay so if you're going to go after a girl i want to find out what do you do and this is something

i'm sure your your your listeners would love to hear what's the one thing like how does harland approach a hot girl i'm not talking about just just chatting being goofy like if you see a hot gorgeous, whatever girl. Sure. Right? What do you do? I don't know. Just shoot the breeze with her.

Talk to her. You know. What do you mean? Like if I'm like trying to pursue her as a potential long-term relationship or Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes.

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specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I mean,

if you wanted to find a girl to date. Yeah. Right? You see this gorgeous girl sitting on a park bench. Sure. What do you do, say, go? God. Well, I guess. guess I just walk by, and they look up, and it's like sunbeams and explosions go off.

And they go, who is that guy? And they chase me down the sidewalk. And if they catch me, they get a date. And if they don't, they don't. But most guys catch you, so you're happy. I don't know the answer to what you're asking. I mean, I don't have a set. I don't have a playbook.

Like, forget about you, you know. that they might know you celebrity-wise. It's a girl that's never seen any of your movies, never seen any of your TV shows, any of that, right? You walk up to a girl, she's sitting on a bench. Yeah. What do you do? Me, to be totally honest, I probably wouldn't say anything.

Believe it or not, I am shy that way. As a guy, it may come as a surprise as a guy who can stand up on a stage in front of, you know, I did a show in front of 65, 70,000 people once at a stadium, and I can do that, no problem. But put me on a bench beside a pretty girl, and I'm probably too shy to even say hello. Wow. And that probably stems from I grew up with four sisters

and was very self-conscious about romance and girlfriends and things like that. kind of stuck with me my whole life. So I'm not real good at it. How's that? Are you surprised? I am shocked. I figure with the sisters, you would be more comfortable with. No, I was the complete opposite because I never wanted them to find out that, you know,

if I had a girl that I liked or anything, because I was afraid they'd tease me, you see? Yeah. So four sisters and you're the only boy? You don't want to be teased. So I became a little bit reserved, a little bit shy about, you know, The whole girl thing. Right. So there you go.

Big surprising answer there, huh, buddy? That's why you're the guy that got four numbers and I didn't get any. Well, you helped me get a couple. I did. That's kind of funny. When I'm doing it for a buddy, it's like, no, hey, come on over here. Let's go. Hey, come meet my buddy.

But when it's for me, it's like, uh, hey. But by the way, I brought a girl in for you to hang out with. Well, hang out. Both of them turned out to be a lemon. No, she was actually really nice. Yeah, they were nice. It wasn't set up as a romantic hangout with me. It was just a hang out.

And we did hang out with most of the night. They're really sweet, but, you know, they had to take off and go to work and whatnot. Did you just get another text? No. I saw you checking your phone. No, I just checked it, though. Okay. I checked.

I'm waiting to get pictures. I like pictures. What? Oh, like sexting pictures? No, not sexting. Well, what do you call it? When a girl texts you... Just a picture of, like, what she's doing or what she's wearing or...

Right. What she's not wearing. What she's not exactly. Right, but that's not sexting. That's just... That is, do you, in turn, send pictures of yourself to girls? No, I'm not Brett Fav. Come on.

Be honest. No, I'm not Brett Farr. Have you ever texted pictures of your privates to a girl? Um... I'm not going to answer that one. Wow, I'll take that as a yes. Doesn't that concern you? How can you do that?

Because I put your face. Over mine. This penis looks a lot like Colin Williams. But see, I don't get girls to do that. The girls seem to do that without a second thought. It's like, hey, bang, here's a shot of me with my boobs out. Bang, here's a shot of this. Bang.

But I don't know how they do that without thinking of the repercussions. It's just every girl thinks being a porn star is sexy or being in Playboy is sexy. Like there's so many girls. So I met a girl in Indiana that literally just sent her pictures into Playboy the night before I met her. Wow. In some small town in Indiana. Like all these girls across the country, they all want their like little shot of fame. and they know they're cute, they know they're hot.

Yeah. You know, I heard one girl explain to me that the reason she wants to do Playboy is she'll never be this hot and she wants to be, like, remembered for her. Oh, God. I'm like, get a Polaroid camera. Yeah, like, why do you need to? It's a, for me, it's a turnoff. I've met a girl, I met a girl about, I don't know, three, four years ago. Yeah.

And, um, we were hanging out, you know, dating a little bit. And then I swear to God, dude, one night just out of the blue, I think we were talking about ambition and careers and stuff. And, you know, she goes, you know what my dream is? And I go, what? I was kind of excited that she was going to say something interesting or cool or smart. She goes, my dream is to go to the Playboy Mansion and meet Hugh Hefner and just hang out there. And even though this was a cute girl, a hot girl, a sexy girl,

blonde blue eyes the whole nine yards huh this is the one of the white Mustang no no this is a different one uh i'm telling you the the second she said that dude lights out i lost interest in her i'm like what kind of girl makes that her dream in life i know i was so turned off i couldn't wait to get away from you just got texted again what's this one say i don't know hold on read it out loud to our listeners my phone's acting slow so might be a picture. Hold on. Probably.

So the phone doesn't fall far from the tree, okay? You're kind of slow. So glad I ran into you tonight. X-O-X-O. Let's talk about X-O-X-O. Wait, wait. First of all, who was this? The one I just showed you a picture of.

Huh? The one I just, she used to be sea crests. She works for Crests or used to. She was. Oh, okay. The one with the tramp stamp. She had a tramp stamp. stamp? Did she? Yeah.

She had the midriff. She was dressed like I dream a genie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I didn't see the, I didn't see the... Yeah, it was a picture of you eating a bucket of chicken. It was me and... So what about her? No, she's totally adorable, but she was just sending me a picture,

or not a picture, I mean, comment. But I was saying, what's the whole X-O-X-X-O, what does that mean? Kiss hug, X's kiss, O is hug. Really? Is that universal or something? I don't know. I've never sent a text when I was in East India. Yeah.

Well, it's just, it's idiot. What are you going to write? Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug. You're not going to type that out. So it's like a symbol. It's a symbol. It makes it fast and easy. Yeah, basically.

Well, there's no mystery there. Why just be like hugs and kisses or better, had come up with something better than that like no guy wants to hear X O X O XO like Well you don't hear it you read it I don't mind it It lets you know that a girl's like

If she if she's gonna do an X OXO That's like her saying hey I kind of like you It's a little better than just Later Late Tata Girls don't want to talk that way They just want to be like

What are you doing? Come over treat me like a dirty horror Wow I'm kidding Whoa You're viewers honestly I think I'm serious right now I don't have viewers

But there are some listeners Listeners yeah listeners Yeah listeners viewers People viewing while they listen People watching their iPods As they listen That's possible you're right Pod

I don't know I don't know why you'd complain It sounds to me like you need Some Exos XOs XOs XOs It doesn't exist XOXOXO doesn't exist XO XO

doesn't exist. Maybe that's the only place that does exist is in a text message email thing. I guess. Why don't you just write like, oh, hugs and kisses or... Some people do. Some people do write hugs and kisses. Well, let me come over when, you know, your girlfriend isn't around. I like it if they're more sexual and they just wrote 6-9-6-9-6-9-6-9. You know what that is, right? Yeah. But I've only heard of...

And it's not Rothelsberg. Burger's jersey number, by the way. Roethlis Burger. What is, you know what 69 is? Yeah, I've heard of it. What is it? Huh? What is it?

It's a famous highway in California. She, you've never 69, have you? Haven't there? Do you know what it is? Tell the listeners what a 69 position is. It's, oh, a position. I was thinking of a stake. God.

What is it? In your words. Are you seriously? asked you like this? I don't think you know. A fourth grader knows this. Let's hear it. I don't think you really know. I don't think you know.

Tell me. You tell me. I think you're the one trying to fish for an answer. 69 is when one individual lays naked on the bottom. Well, it doesn't matter which way you're facing. I didn't say that. It's just two bodies

inverted. Right. Yeah. Or inverted or perverted? Perverted. It's flipped. Perverted, inverted, perverted. Inverted. So you've done it. I'm not saying that.

Why not? It's not illegal. It's not illegal. I'm like going to keep some privacy in my life to myself. Okay. Have you? I'm pleading the fifth. I'm pleading the 69.

Why are you pressing me, buddy? Well, I figured in your vulnerable state where you're sitting here half. Howard Sterns, I thought I might get some of the goodies out of it. I mean, you have a perm like Howard Stern. Nothing's worse than guys who do perms in their, like have curly hair. It's just ridiculous. Almost is ridiculous.

By the way, what was your outfit tonight? It was Poncho V. and John Wayne have it maybe? I'm like, I'm like half cowboy, half like Latino. no cow hand. Yeah, you're like if John Wayne had a baby with Poncho Villa. Who's macho Villa? Poncho Villa.

Who's that? It's too late to explain. Wow, you are just, why don't you go get a sleeping bag and just pass out? You're like, zone. I'm waiting for this girl to call me back because I'm going to invite her up to your hot tub. So you're going to burn up my listeners time. Yeah. You're just putting in time, killing time.

wasting my listeners could be out doing stuff and they're sitting here listening around to you while you wait for your haughty and the second she calls, you're out of here and the podcast is over. No, no, no, no, no. I'm telling her to bring a friend. Yeah.

And we'll go in the hot tub. I don't want a hot tub it. It's 2.30 in the morning. Is it really? Yes. It's 2.32 exactly. Oh, then we'll skip the hot tub. There comes a point when you, you know,

You're just groggy I just need to borrow your couch You're just like it's like hey baby I'm here let's do it's like you know what You've missed the lust boat by about an hour Huh The lust boat You know I was ready

I was so geared up to have fun About an hour ago Remember when it was 1.30 in the morning? Yeah that's true I really don't really want to get my engine revved up at 2.30 in the morning. Because guess what? By the time we're done, the sun will be up.

Something else I thought about tonight. What? Girls can't drink. Did you ever notice that? What? Girls drink too much. That's what I'm saying. They can't handle it. They can't drink. Girls get sloppy, messy drunk. So bad.

And that's a, by the way, that's a buzz kill too. Totally. You can be the hottest girl in the world. And if you get kind of like, what are you doing? When you get that slurry, like, it's like a turnoff. You might as well be like a pimply-faced, like, backwards deer hunter or something. It's so bad. And then they just laugh at nothing that exists and you're like, what world are you on right now? Oh, it's just messy.

It's like, you shut up. You shut up. You do your thing. And they get all bitter and they're like, they don't know why they're yelling at you. Yeah. They're like, where's my drink? Where's my Jack Daniels? who's got a cigarette you said like when i was walking through the crowd i was looking for you

earlier this girl this vampire girl stopped me and and she she she she kept saying like uh you you're standing there aren't you you just wow standing there and i was i said what and her friend looks at me and her friend was looking at he goes yeah you're standing i'm like they're both drunk wow and there's always that like that the wavering like eyelid one of them is like half droop down kind of like yours are right now Have you ever seen a girl spit When she's drunk

No She ever see a girls go Oh yeah And they don't know how to spit They don't know how to spit And they make the big noise It's just like And then it like

And then it like drules down Half of it goes And they think they're going to spit like nine feet And it lands right at the tip of their shoe They're like It's like a baby drooling. Yeah.

Oh, it's terrible. It's like, bhr- it's like, yeah. Yeah, yeah,

it cracks me, and then you try to tell me like, oh, you got some spit, and they're like, I know, I know I have spit.

I'm not a bit of Jack Daniel. Oh. And we got to say, for the record, it's not like goofy guys don't get sloppy as drunk. I mean,

girls got to tolerate that crap, but I got to say, you know, a guy, being drunk and incoherent you almost expected and it's like they're almost like that

all the time anyways but when you see a stellar beautiful girl or a hot girl with the makeup and the miniskirt and the heels and they're acting up like a like a sunset boulevard lush you're just like whoa

turn off it's terrible it's terrible brutal oh man so what did that is that a text that just came in oh yeah you're not going to bolt are you read me i can tell you're getting up out of your chair what's that last text uh so glad i ran into you um can you come over so you're just going to leave my listeners well i feel like they're in good hands you know what why don't you just tell my listeners up yours because that's what you're doing

You're going off to get a booty call at 2.36 in the morning, and my listeners are just hanging. Why don't you just give them one? Guys, I'm sorry. Look, I apologize that you're listening to Harland, 2.36 in the morning. Oh, wow. Wow. But here's the thing. If you need to hear what I have to say, I apologize for that.

Because I don't know if my information is good enough for you or not. but I do know this What Treat a girl with respect Until she expects And then you don't treat her with respect Wow Ladies and gentlemen

Dr. Phil As in Dr. Phil in the crack All right Get out of here All right, dude Hey can I borrow your car? Yeah And one more thing

Do you have any Things Rubbers What? Rubbers No, why would you What are you talking about? Rubber galoshes

Galoshes Yeah Yeah, those things Yeah It's supposed to rain tonight Go get them buddy Go get them Christopher Robin

All right All right Derry God I feel sick talking to you Dude I feel like I have SARS Now next to you Go eat your SARS Potato salad

What do you think That tall check girl is doing Probably throwing God Probably throwing up on your pitcher she's about to bust out of your chest like an alien were you supposed to leave about 30 seconds ago no well she told me to hang on for a second so i gotta wait well i'm weak just go

oh yeah all right all right i'm out of here all right buddy thanks for the uh halibit yeah whatever buddy good times uh that was my buddy mat take her leave his advice wow um and that's it i this is kind of just just kind of ended guys condoms up in the i thought you were leaving i did but i just i couldn't find them do you know where they are

this is harland williams with his friend matt at 2.38 in the morning and i'm dying can i use your bed i mean you can sleep on the couch right go go go go i've got announcements to make there he goes my buddy matt

probably in my bed probably going in my bed with that eight foot check hockey player girl um anyways thanks for joining in guys i hope you know hope you liked our little uh late night power jam podcast here a little different

um but um hey if you want to uh see See me do some stand-up comedy and stay up late yourself. This weekend, I will be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where Rafflesberger lives, ironically. I'll be there October, Friday, the 11th to the 13th, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Go to Harlow Williams.com to get your tickets. And then the following weekend, October 17, 18, 19, and 20, I'll be at the comic strip. in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

It's going to be a great show up there. And then during the week of the 21st, I'll be in Red Deer, Alberta. And then the weekend of October 24th through the 26th. I'll be in Calgary, Alberta at the Blackfoot Inn. Oh, good comedy tours coming up, gang. So check it out. Check out my sitcom package deal. only in Canada, unfortunately.

Eugene Levy, Pamela Anderson, package deal. It is on Monday nights at 8.30 on City TV. Check it out, please. Support Canadian sitcomity. And check out my web store. We have the new magic, pardon my French, fuck-off t-shirts. Basically, it's a t-shirt with random letters

and when you flop the bottom letters up to the top letters, it spells F off. Fuck off. It's a little crude, but it's fun. It's a good surprise, F off. Make your friends laugh. So that's it, gang. Harlowilliams.com.

Subscribe to the YouTube channel at Harlowyms.com. Watch some funny videos. And check out our store at Harlowyms.com. You can write me at Harlowyms.com. Or you can foe me. Leave a message at 323-739-4-3-3-0. That's it. Chicken Chalmaine, baby.