The Harland Highway - 522 - Sticking your penis where it doesn't belong. U.S. security.

Episode Date: October 21, 2013

Many men find the need to stick their penis into things that ain't meant to be stuck, OUCH! Also, a 10 year old asks about the safety fom terrorists in the U.S.A. Blacken my catfish!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, boys and girls. This is Harland Williams, and you're on the Harland Highway. What was that all about? Hey, gang, thanks for being here. Interesting show today. Only two topics today. We have one topic where we're going to talk about sticking your private parts where they don't belong. Yes, apparently it's becoming a problem in society.

And we have to talk about men who are. are sticking their penises into things that shouldn't be stuck and into, if that's even right grammar. And then secondly, I got a very interesting phone call, more of a serious topic, but something I thought that should be addressed because one of you pavement pounders asked to talk about it. So I'm going to do that.

Someone was calling in and asking about al-Qaeda and the ramifications of terrorists and the effect. they have on our society and how they've damaged the United States and will there be more attacks? And the question actually came through a 10-year-old kid and I don't know, it led me to kind of ramble on about a lot of things

pertaining to, you know, the United States and its national security and terrorism and things like that. So very diverse show. Penises and things and submarines here. on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living?

The Harland Highway. Hey-oh. And there's glasses. I will find you. My mom always said, you can't handle the truth. Many years of therapy. Many, many, many.

Fucking years of therapy. I will kill you. Let me. Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway.

But a bunk. Hey gang. And specifically one half of the gang, the men. Where have you put your penis? Long silent pause. I'm not trying to be gross or kinky or dirty or anything like that. But I guess apparently as our population grows, I've been seeing articles in the newspaper on the internet about the increasing problem that 911 emergency rescue teams are having with, you know, using up their time, using up the resources to go and try and help people, men who, have, you know, gone exploratory with their wing-wangs.

Yeah, I said wing-wang. That means penis, for those of you that don't know what a wing-wang is. Hello, wing-wang, wing-wang, wing-wang. But, yeah, apparently, there's kind of an overflow of men that are sticking their wing-wangs into unusual places. places, and one of them being like kitchen appliances, like toasters, people have been sticking them into vacuum cleaners. Who knows what else. And for the record, how many guys listening, and guys don't, don't try to dodge,

how many men listening right now have stuck their wing-wang, into something other than a woman or a man if you're a gay guy. How many guys have stuck their wing wang into something that just wasn't meant to receive a wing wang? Huh? A watermelon, a vacuum cleaner, a hole in the wall, a goat, a pineapple, an airplane, a tree, not a donut. I don't know. Maybe you want to call and confess.

Maybe I am Father Gloryhole here today. And you must call and confess. You don't have to leave your name, guys. And you're all probably going, I've never done that. I've never stuck my thing in anything. I think we've all done it.

I think it's just a natural curiosity, whether you're a kid or whether you're a grown-up or whether you're stupid or you're smart or it just makes sense because you've got this protrusion on your body and you're like, well, that has to go into something. And so, you know, we have to ask the question, where, where, where? And have I done it? Who? Me?

What? Have I? I'm a podcaster, okay? Me? I would never, I've never, when I was a kid, did I ever cut a hole in a cantalope? No? No. Why would I, are you crazy?

A cantalope? What? who what so guys this is your chance to confess your sins and i hope some of you guys man up and call i really do you don't have to leave a name but please we want to hear and don't make anything up i don't want any BS okay i know that probably i bet at least 80% of the men listening right now at one point in their life, whether they were a kid or a grown-up, have stuck their wing-wang into something that wasn't meant to be stuck. So here's your chance to air out your dirty laundry, 323-739-4-330,

or if you're afraid of leaving a voicemail, you can always just write me at harlornwilliams.com. And again, keep it real. Don't BS me. I can tell if it's BS. But if you want to share your very, very private, you know, sticking of the thing and the thing, we want to hear because I bet there's going to be some friggin' hilarious stories out there. And you can be descriptive.

You can tell us what happened. You can tell us what it felt like. You can tell us why you did it. You can tell us if you got caught. You know, and listen, just to flip the coin, ladies, you know, just before you start to think, oh, men are pigs and how creepy and how, ooh, I might do a follow-up podcast where I ask the ladies some of the foreign objects that they've installed. into their, for lack of a better term, opening.

Because as I said earlier, as a man may feel the need to put a protrusion into an opening, someone with an opening might be inclined to put an object to fill the opening. And I'm not asking this to be kinky or sexual. I just think it's kind of humorous. It's kind of funny. so I don't want your like sex stories but if you have a story to tell where you put your thing into a funny thing

let's hear it we definitely want to share that ladies and snortled logins but getting back to the main story this is starting to become a problem where 9-1-1 operators and emergency responders are starting to have the resources

thinned out because they're getting calls from idiots or curious people putting their private parts into unusual places and getting stock or getting electrocuted or getting burnt or getting jammed or getting flambayed, I don't know. So before you shove your package into a blender or into the microwave or into the dryer. Well, if you're going to do it in the dryer, at least wrap a cling-free sheet around it, guys.

Just be careful. Don't do anything stupid. Don't use up... You know, I'd hate to think that some guy died of a heart attack because the 9-1-1-1 guys couldn't get to them in time because they were trying to get some guy's erection out of a penis. I mean, out of a toaster, out of a penis. That'd be a trick, sticking your erection into a penis?

How what? But some guy with a heart attack dies because the 911 guys were preoccupied getting some guy's erection out of a toaster. I mean, how does that work? He's got his penis jammed between two slices of raisin bread? Yeah, someone get the butter. We got a guy he's wedged in between two slices of an English muffin over here.

Let's butter that English muffin and we can remove that problem there. So anyways, start those phone calls, guys. We want to hear 323-739-4330. And you can laugh out loud while you're talking if you want. You probably will anyways when you realize how silly it is. But at the end of the day, it's just humanity. We're humans. We're curious.

We do crazy things. Why do you think that the sex industry is so off the hook? Why do you think they're sex toys and people try different positions and, you know, multiple partners? It's curiosity. That's part of who we are as human. So although it's embarrassing and it's kind of silly, I don't think it has to be shameful or taboo because, like I said, how many of you listening haven't? shoved your penis into a cantaloupe

Wait, what? What? No. What? Why? Why did you... Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what... You want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy, They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority.

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code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harland. My name is Jan. I'm calling you from Washington, State.

And I just finished listening to your podcast about the government shutdown. And this question actually comes from my 10-year-old son. And he wanted to know how vulnerable our country now looks to terrorists. And I just thought, holy smoke, if a 10-year-old is thinking we look vulnerable, then clearly Al-Qaeda does. and it's just upsetting to think, you know, that kids are thinking these kinds of things. We're pretty conscious of what the kids get to hear on the news, but our family's a little hyper aware of terrorists.

My husband did the search and rescue in New York on 9-11, and so the kids are pretty aware of all that. Anyway, that's my question for you. How is our country looking to these terrorists out there? So anyway, love your show, and I just love how you can just make us all smile regarding, you know, it doesn't matter what you're talking about. We're just always happy and smiling when we're listening to you. So thank you for that.

Bye-bye. Wow, heavy, heavy question. Interesting question from Jan. Thank you, Jan. Wow, that's a multi-layered question, I think. But let me try to answer it the best I know how. I'm not saying that I'm accurate or right, but let me see if I can. and shed light on it from my perspective.

First of all, the act of al-Qaeda and terrorist groups, Greta getting into the United States, unfortunately, it's not a difficult proposition. You know, despite all the security we have and all the FBI and the screening and the watching and the spying and the surveillance and all these things, You know, people who are schemers, people who are hell-bent on destruction, people who want to hurt other people, they find a way. They find a means, they find a way in.

And it can be primitive, it can be sophisticated, it can be whatever. But when you think of the vastness of our country, the population of our country, the borders of our country, And the creative minds of human beings, you can probably sense that although there are preventative measures for terrorists to stop people from harming our society, unfortunately, it's not something you could completely wipe out, okay? There will always be people who can infiltrate. and it can be someone on their own, it can be groups, it can be organizations, it can be a crazy madman on his own. But you can't stop it. And as far as organized groups like Al-Qaeda and people like that,

they're probably always trying. They're probably always pressing. You know, part of the problem is having, the wherewithal to do it, having to come from overseas, having to infiltrate our society, and kind of walk around like sheep and wolf's in sheepskin clothing. It makes it difficult, but look, they did it. Look at 9-11.

They pulled it off. They pulled it off. And the primitive ways in which these acts are being pulled off, is rather scary. I mean, the guys with 9-11 did it with box cutters. The guys in Boston did it with homemade bombs they made in their apartment building and put, you know, knapsacks down.

So with the violent way the world's going, with the hatred aimed at the United States of America, you can only imagine that these things are going to happen more and more or attempts are going to be made at causing this kind of destruction more and more and I hate to say that because it sounds like your 10-year-old kid brought the topic up and he's frightened

and it's interesting because here in America we've had the luxury of living in a world that has pretty much been void of this type of violence. You know, we had someone detonate a bomb at the Atlanta Olympics a couple of decades ago and that was done by just a kind of a nutty guy

who lived in the States who was, you know, acting out and had a chip on his shoulder and blah, blah, blah. But the act of organized terrorists taking pot shots at the United States, I mean, that's kind of, that's relatively new, probably I think the first real big one was around And, you know, in the 80s, the 90s, when the Oklahoma bombing happened by a homegrown terrorist and then the forces of al-Qaeda or whoever it was took a shot at the World Trade Center the first time when they blew up the van down in the parking garage. And so it's becoming increasing and it's probably a really hard thing to stop.

And so, you know, I just hope it doesn't become more widespread, but we are in a unique society where it's very sporadic. It happens, it's spotty at best. But you've got to remember, there's a lot of countries in the world that have endured this kind of violence, bombings and explosions and terrorism, almost on a daily basis. You know, you look at a lot of the Middle Eastern countries and the Muslim nations, and it's like boom, boom, boom, bombs going off all the time.

In the marketplace at the mosque, at the police stations. I mean, it's almost like a daily occurrence, if not a weekly occurrence with a lot of these people. It's really sad. So we've kind of got this spot in the world where in a way, we have a bit of a luxury here where it's not as common. I mean, when it does happen, it's really pronounced because we're not used to it. So, unfortunately, it's something that one always has to be prepared for. Unfortunately, I think it might get worse as time goes on.

As these terrorist organizations get more sophisticated, more determined, more creative. and it's a sad thing for me to have to say that but unfortunately I think it's a truth unless something drastically changes one of the bigger elements to the destructiveness of organizations like al-Qaeda and people that would want to harm the United States is the long-lasting goal

that I think a lot of people have forgotten. With 9-11, Osama bin Laden's goal was not just to take down the two towers in New York City because that's kind of a physical thing. You know, of course, it caused some horrible death and destruction. But one of the things that he made very clear in his video statements to the world is his real mission was to destroy Western culture, to destroy the Western economy, to knock the United States off of its throne as a world leader.

and when you look at how life has become after 9-11, I think he might have done a really good job at pulling it off. Because if you look at the Clinton years, and again, when the first bombing of the World Trade Center happened, that was during the Clinton years. And then whether you like George Bush or not, for the most part, those were very lucrative years. and then, you know, since 9-11, I mean, look at the trillions of dollars we put into wars.

Look at the housing market. Look how the cost of war and all this stuff that's been going on in our economy has brought the United States to this place where we're still struggling through the remnants of a horrible recession. We're still dealing with government shutdowns and debt ceilings and gigantic deficits and bad housing markets and all kinds of horrible things that if you trace it all back in a way was kind of triggered when 9-11 happened. and tons of money was thrown into going to war in Iraq and Afghanistan and it kind of disrupted a lot of the economic engines that were pumping in this country, making it prosperous, and I think it also shook the foundations about the United States and its power in the world, its military.

military might in the world. I think it caused other interests in the world to start to wonder if we were as powerful as we are, started to challenge it, nudge it. And nowadays, you see the United States, you know, kind of, I don't know. I don't know if it's just me or if it's everyone, but you see the fabric of the country,

you see kind of the metal of the country, kind of, it feels like it's on a, a little bit of shaky ground in a lot of areas. And was that something that happened when they knocked down the Twin Towers and it just kind of had this slow building ripple effect? I think possibly. So outside of the violence of a bomb going off in your mall or neighborhood, there's also the long-term effects of what these people can do to us.

So the real thing here is hopefully that the government can find ways to tackle it, to beat it, to squash it, and kind of steady the course of all the damage that's been done by all these terrorists and their disruptive ways. now on a bigger note on a bigger um you know kind of scope if you will you go well as the united states vulnerable can people can blow it up can people destroy our way of life can people end the u.s as we know it and uh fortunately my answer for that is a little more positive although it is it is uh you know it is um i guess kind of a doomsday scenario but should the need come, remember the United States has an ace in the hole that I think a lot of people, you know, don't really know about because it's something that the military downplays and it's very secretive. But always remember and tell your son this that no matter how crazy the world gets, the U.S. has a fleet of submarines called Trident Submarines.

and this is a fleet of nuclear-powered submarines that can stay underwater for very long periods of time and they're pretty much undetectable because they can dive so deep and they're very quiet and these guys are motoring around in the world's oceans very secretively they don't a lot of most people don't know where they are and where they're running. But the United States has a fleet of 18 Trident submarines, as far as we know. Okay?

As far as we know, maybe there's more. But from what we know, there's 18, and these submarines carry 50% of the United States' strategic warheads. Okay? Think about it. 50% of our nuclear bombs are floating. and around underwater with like schools of squid. Let's just hope they don't hit an iceberg the way the Titanic did.

And these missiles, according to research, have no preset targets when the submarines go on patrol, but they are capable of rapidly targeting the missiles should the need arise. So I don't know if that gives you a little bit. of a little bit of comfort. But, you know, it's like if somebody tried to mess seriously with the United States, okay? It's like taken down, I don't want to trivialize 9-11, but if you break it down, you know, a couple of giant skyscrapers were knocked down. And we lost thousands, you know, I think it was,

3 or 4,000 human lives, which is horrible. But when you think of the scope of the United States, all its buildings and all its people, it wasn't a big hit. It was a big hit because it was physically a spectacle. It was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a phenomenon. We'd never seen anything like it. And it was like, it looked like a war movie.

It looked like an action movie, the buildings blowing up and collapsing. And it was just horrible. And, you know, we don't like it that it happened, but as far as, you know, shutting down or stopping or destroying the United States, it was a very small event. Physically, I'm saying. I already told you about the repercussions, you know, in our society, psychologically, economically, politically, all that stuff had a much broader scope. But to give you an example, if someone should try to get real serious,

and try to, like, you know, sink the United States or decimate the United States, it probably ain't going to happen. The states would probably shut something down with their Trident submarines, okay? These things can strike within 800 feet from their targets. The nuclear warheads are 100 kilotons each, okay? So that's about six times the power of the hero. Hiroshima atomic bomb. Okay?

So each Trident submarine basically carries over a thousand times the destructive power of the Hiroshima bomb. So, you know, like I said, it's not something that people generally think about. When you think about the American military, you think, oh, you think about our soldiers, you think about the stealth bombers. And you think, boy, if anyone ever knocked all our soldiers down and shot all our plane, out of the air. United States is dead. Well, I hate to say this, and as I said earlier, it's kind of a violent solution, but should someone really try to press the United States, that's when they would feel the real

might of our military superiority. Okay? The Trident submarines could pretty much flatten the rest of the world if they wanted. so although it's a violent solution which sucks because you know we're human beings and you'd think you'd think we all just want to live and be happy in this world but no there's people that want to go to war um and should should they come knocking on our door in a serious way they won't get very far the u.s could pretty much incinerate and melt anyone that was stupid enough to try. And there are a few other countries that have the Trident.

Russia has some Trident submarines, but I don't think they have as many, and I don't know what state, what condition they're in after the collapse of the USSR. I believe France has a couple, and the thing that's scary to me is China's developing some of these. Okay? It looks like Great Britain has four.

of these submarines. France has five. Russia has 23, but it doesn't sound like they have as many bombs, and like I said, I don't know the condition of Russia's fleet, but I don't like the idea that China's starting to get into the game. So, for now, tell your son, it looks like

although the terrorists may be able to knock out small targets, the idea of them ending the United States, which I think maybe in a child's mind is the biggest fear, they probably equate a terrorist knocking down a building with the ability to, well, if he can knock down one building, he can knock down all the buildings, Mommy. No.

At the end of the day, if there's any knocking down to be done and things get serious or cover your kids' ears, if shit gets real, the United States will probably win that fight. So there you go. Good call. Listen, I got a little long-winded there, and, you know, it's for the kids, though. It's for the kids.

You know, I want your 10-year-old kid to be informed. But definitely an interesting topic. Interesting topic, indeed. And I hope that helps your kid rest easier. You know, tonight when you're reading them a story. Mommy, what about the terrorist thing that I asked the Harland Highway? Oh, don't worry, Billy. The United States can nuke the whole planet and melt it.

It looked like a fried piece of roadkill out on the highway and a hot summer sun. Okay, mommy, good night. I love you. Okay, Billy, put your helmet and your lead suit on and have a nice leap. Anyways, there you go. You asked, I gave you the answer for what it's worth. And look at that. Holy smokes, I used up the whole damn show. Wow, just a two-topic show, which is rare for me.

You know, we talked about insert your penis here and nuclear devastation. Boy, okay. Well, let's move on to some announcements. here for golly sake uh hey gang if you want to see me live doing stand-up comedy uh you can catch me in edmonton alberta uh starting tonight uh i will be at the mall ladies and gentlemen at the comic strip uh i will be there uh thursday through sunday going to be great shows it's probably going to sell out so get your tickets now uh go to harland williams dot com to get your tickets and then I'm going to be next during that week.

I think Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm going to be in Red Deer and Lethbridge, Alberta. Again, go to my website to get the exact locations and tickets. And then the following weekend, October 24th to 26th, Thursday through Saturday, I'll be at the Blackfoot Inn Comedy Club in Calgary, Alberta. So it's going to be good to get home and make the folks last. and we're going to have a good old time. So check that out. Make sure you check out the store while you're at harloweems.com.

We have new t-shirts in. The magic F-Off t-shirts are there. Basically, it's a bunch of jumbled letters. You fold the shirt together, and it says F-off. It's a fun little rude trick you can play on your friends and family. Don't forget to check out my new sitcom package deal. playing coast-to-coast in Canada only, unfortunately. But it's a great show.

Eugene Levy, Pamela Anderson. That plays on City TV. Check your local listings because they've moved the show around a little. And there you go. Good, good stuff. Make sure when you're at Harlowilliams.com, too, please subscribe to my YouTube channel. We're starting to post a lot of funny and cool videos.

I've got some new websites. series that are going to start airing later this year, probably in the fall in November. Some stuff that's going to surprise you coming from me. So please subscribe and encourage your friends to subscribe to the Harlan Williams YouTube channel if you want some more visual laughs. And that's it, man. We'll see you up in Canada at the comedy clubs. Make sure your bomb shelter is nice and clean and ready to go.

and that's it. Until next time, Chicken. Chalmayne, baby.