The Harland Highway - 523 - A visit with my boss Mr. Featherstone. Wal-Mart fight.

Episode Date: October 24, 2013

Harland sits down with his boss Mr. Featherstone, a song that helps with the human condition, and, why do people hate Wal-Mart? Burp my slurp!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy, Pilgrims. This here is Harlem Williams, and you are mosing on down to Harland Highway on the back of a mule. No, you're not on the back of a mule. Why would I say such nonsense? Welcome to the podcast, ladies and gentlemen. I am Harlem Williams. That part is real. Amazing show today. We're going to be discussing Walmart. We're going to be discussing, is Walmart a good thing or a bad thing? Why do people slam Walmart so much? Let's discuss it. Also, we are going to be, well, I have to go visit my boss, Mr. Featherstone. I guess he wants to see me for some reason. I got to go up to his office.

Never fun. Don't like visiting the man. So I got to do that, see what he's up to. And then also we're going to be talking about the ingenuity of the human mind and should it be used for bad things or good things and I'm going to use a song, a popular pop tune to try and kind of articulate what I'm saying. I'm going to use it as an example of how maybe we could all do a little better

or the world in general. Humanity could do better at working towards making the world a more wonderful play. So all kinds of crazy wild stuff right here. on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway. I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living?

The Harland Highway. Hey-oh. And there's glasses. I will find you. My mom always said, You can't handle the truth. Many years of therapy. Many, many, many, many.

Fucking years of therapy. I will kill you. Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Hi, everybody.

This is Harland Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm just about to go into my boss's office. Mr. Featherstone has called me upstairs to the 12th floor. I guess he wants to talk to me about something. I'm hoping it's a promotion or a... raise or I don't know something it looks like I'm going in okay Betty great he wants me in all right I'm going in gang uh hello sir mr Featherstone how are you hello how are you uh great sir

to see you and you are uh Harlan sir i'm sorry harland harland harland harland no no just i'm just Harlan, sir. Why did you say it twice? Um, I guess I was a little nervous. Why, you got something hidden in your pants? Excuse me? What the hell do you want here? I'm a busy guy.

Well, sir, you called me up from downstairs. Oh, are you the janitor? Because I got a... My toilets plugged. I got a giant shit in it. No, sir, no, no, no. I'm not the janitor. Oh.

Harland Williams from the Harland High way i do the the podcast downstairs oh you're that guy yes sir well sit out i need to talk to you yes sir now listen Halloween is coming up uh okay sir and i want you to do a Halloween show on your pride cast on my podcast sir that's what i said well sir it sounded like you said pride cast oh what are you Some kind of a speech linguist? No, sir, I'm just... Well, then you don't correct me. Who's the boss?

Me or you? Well, I guess you are, sir. That's right. And don't forget it, checkerboard face. Checkerboard face? That's what I said. I don't know what that means, sir. You see this checkerboard on my desk?

Yes. One more crack out of you. I slam your head on the desk. You get checkerboard face. Okay, sir, that's a little... Let me ask you something. Yes, sir? Have you ever farted in a car wash?

Excuse me? Have you ever let one rip in a car wash with all the soap suds and the shimmy shammies? The shimmie shammies? You know, those things waving back and forth on your car. Everything smells like an old lady just pissed her pants. What? And then you let one rip,

and it blends in with all the mist and the water. It's like doing a fart at the bottom of Niagara Falls. Sir, I've never... What are you talking about? Listen, I'm talking about Halloween. Now, listen, I want your Halloween podcast to be scary. You're out on your ass. Well, that's a bit of a threatening tone you've got, sir.

It's not a tone. Those are words, William F. Shakespeare. I think it's William H. What? Nothing, sir. Now you're going to do a scary podcast Or you're going to be standing out on the doggone trick-a-treat Trying to get into this office building

And get your podchrist back It's not a podcrice, sir It is what I tell it it is, okay? It's a podchrist Now it's a pod crest That's what I said Wow, okay, sir Well, how am I supposed to make my podcast scary?

You know my nephew, Timmy? Oh, God, that kid? What do you mean? Oh, God, that kid. That's my nephew. You're lucky I don't throw your head into a bees nest and make you snort some honey. I don't even know what that means, sir. Now, my kid, Timmy, my nephew.

Yes, sir? He wants to come in and do some Halloween songs. What are you talking about? He plays guitar and he likes to do campfire songs. And he wants to do some Halloween songs. ones on your next pride crap. My pride prop? You heard me.

Sir, it's a podcast. So he's going to come in and you're going to let him play some campfire songs. Sir, I'm sorry, but he's the worst singer I've ever heard. His campfire songs are not good. Okay? They're not even really

campfire songs. You're going to let him come in. Or maybe you're going to have to walk out the front door and find yourself a new Pris-pras. I give up, sir. You're just going to call it whatever you want, aren't you? That's right.

Let me ask you this. Have you ever pulled a puppy's eye open and farted on a puppy's eye? Sir, that is inhumane. Why would you say that? Well, some of these puppies, they got these big eyes. You know, they look at you like they want dog food, or they want you to kiss them or something. And every now and then if you just pull their eyelids open

and you put your sweet starfish right on their iris, you fart on them, and you should... Now, sir, I can't hear this. So have we got a deal? Halloween podcrite? Yes, sir. And my nephew Timmy comes in and sings some scary Halloween campfire songs.

I don't have a choice, do I, sir? No, not really, no. I'm the boss. You're the Egyptian slave. What does that mean? Remember the pyramids? Yes. You know who built the pyramids?

Yes. The slaves. Okay. So you're my slave pussy lips, and you're gonna make me a fucking podcast for my cousin Timmy. I thought he was your nephew, sir. That's what I said.

You're really mixing up your words here today, sir. Well, what are you? Some kind of a black son. Smith. Okay, we're done here, sir. One more thing. What? Have you ever farted on a lava lamp? What are you talking about?

You know, those lava lamps, the waxy bubbles go up and down? You fart on them, and I'm leaving, sir. All right, you remember what I said. Thank you, Mr. Featherstone. You're very welcome. Now, get out of here. I've got to take this phone call. It's probably your wife.

I don't have a wife, sir. Oh, that's probably because you're hanging out down of those funny little bars downtown. What funny bars? Oh, you know the ones, huh? Like the dripping eggplant? Oh, God, sir. Get out.

I'm leaving. All right, get out of here. Hurry, I got to take this call. Go hang out with your guy, friends. What are you talking about? Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh.

Goodbye, Mr. Featherstone. Get out of here. Boy, oh boy. What an idiot. Now I got to put up with that stupid campfire song Kid coming in next week, or next podcast. Roger, take us to a commercial. I got to go get a coffee or something, man.

We'll be right back. Oh, God, Timmy, the Campfire Kid. Is she calling my douche outdated? They said it's an antique. Massengill just came out with a brand new cleansing design. So? I used it after my period. That's the test.

And you feel a lot freshen. New Massingale. Because it's your body. That's why. All right, let's move on to something a little more pleasant than my boss, Mr. Featherstone. I want to talk about music and humanity, okay? I want to talk about how they commingle. how they are one in the same to a degree.

If you notice with music, sometimes you hear a piece of music, and most music, really, like a pop song or an orchestral piece or, you know, even a heavy metal song to a degree, all the pieces are blended together. All the little pieces of music and all the little sounds and all the little noises and the singing and the, The tones and all the flavoring that goes into a song is quite beautiful. And when you think about it, you think, wow, all those textures, all those beats, all those moments that were all put together came from the mind of a human being.

The sound in the air went from silence, complete silence like this, to a song. a song that you tap your feet to and sing to and are moved by and are mesmerized by and feel emotion to and feel dancing in your soul and what a good song does is it reminds us of the ingenuity and the creativity and the harmony and the magic that the human mind can create. It's astounding. It's amazing

if somebody takes blank air and sits down and starts creating sound and all the things I just mentioned, it's like a piece of magic. And it's a testament to what human beings can accomplish, what human beings can do when they put their mind to something that has meaning, that has creativity,

that has layers, has purpose. And I'm bringing it up because, you know, we've been hearing in the news so much about, you know, just the bickering in the government and the weapons that people kill each other with, the chemical weapons in Syria, and the hatred and the fighting and the murders and all the horrible things. And I guess I'm bringing it up because it got overwhelming to me. It's like, God, when does it end? It just keeps getting more and more.

and I thought, what if people took all the ingenuity that they put into a song, all the magic, if they took all that brain power and all that thought, and every human every day took all the bits and pieces and put them together to do only good things, to create ways to make each other's lives better and more positive and more enriched and more powerful and more meaningful and create friendships and create happiness and create togetherness. Imagine what the world would be like.

If people woke up in the morning to take the genius that we all hold in our minds and put pieces of puzzles together in our minds and create positive solutions and create forward motion for the human race, You know, it's funny because other animals, you know, except for maybe spiders who make a web to trap other creatures, you know, other creatures don't create traps for other members of their own species. You know, lions don't sit around and plant snares and hide behind bushes and get ready to shoot their own kind. You know, giraffes don't dig pits and put big spikes in the bottom of them and then cover the pits with leaves so the other drafts fall in them.

But humans have this incredible instrument, their brains. And if we could only get in the habit of using them only to further the purposes of humanity, to create a new pill, to prevent disease, to create a new device that helps everyone. in their daily life that they could take all those moments and put them together and we all just made good things. And I don't want to sound too fluffy and fairy

and oh, what a wonderful wonderland. I'm saying this in a real way. In a real constructive way. And I guess one of the things that made me think about it is I want to play you a song. And it's a popular song that you've all heard. But I want you to not so much

listen to the words of the song. It's a powerful song, but I want you to listen to the tones of the song. I want you to listen to the music of the song. I want you to listen to the beats of the song. Listen to the volume levels on the singer's voice. There's a male and a female singer. Listen how they bring it down.

And then they go up and they go big and then listen how the little beats and little bings and little dongs and little flutes coming in and volume levels going up, and down, and you go, man, someone made this beautiful thing out of nothing. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to

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Don't throw your back out. And I thought if only human beings could apply this type of ingenuity to everyday life and not wake up thinking of ways to kill and destroy and cheat and damage other human beings but to all this gray matter all this brain we have to just do good things

what a world it would be so listen to this song listen to all the little listen carefully to all the sadness Listen to sounds coming together. Don't get lost in the song because you know the song. I want you to pick things out, separate them. Pretend it's a laundry basket with a sock and a pair of underwear and a shirt and a sweater and some pants.

I want you to pick out each little piece of music. And at the end go, wow, all these little pieces made this solid thing. and see if it inspires you to think about how we all could do so much better if we just put the right pieces of music together every day in a positive way. Here's the song. Now and then I think of when we were together

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die I told myself that you were right for me It felt so lonely in your company But that will love her to make I still remember You can lead to a certain kind of You can lead it to a certain kind of sadness Like resignation to the end, always the end. So when we found that we could not make sense,

well, you said that we would still be friends, but I'll admit that I was glad that it was over. You didn't have to cut me off. Make out like it never happened The very one nothing I don't even need your love But you treat me like a stranger And I feel so rough

No you didn't have to stoop so long Having friends collect your records And they'll change your number I guess that I don't need that though Now you're just somebody that I used to know Now you're just somebody that I used to know. Now you're just somebody I used to know. Now you're just somebody I used to know.

but it may believe in it was always something that I've done but I don't want to live that way I didn't into every word you say you said that you could let it go and I want to catch you from up on somebody that you used to know but you didn't have to cut me up Because I can never happen But everyone

I need your love But you treat me like a stranger And I feel so rough Did it up the stove so low Having friends collect your records It'll change your number Yes if I don't need that door Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody I used to know Somebody, somebody that I used to know, somebody I used to know, somebody I used to know, somebody that I used to know, somebody that I used to know, somebody that I used to know somebody that I used to know somebody that I used to know. So that's Goce, somebody that I used to know, and, you know, not trying to sell their music or anything. Just using the song to illustrate a point of instead of waking up and building bombs, wake up and build something that serves a greater purpose. There you go.

There you go. Now, speaking of greater purposes, I want to address something that I've noticed is, kind of an interesting phenomenon. There seems to be a lot of people who have their hairs up about Walmart. I went into a Walmart the other day, and huge, just huge. I don't know how much I like being in a store that I can't see the other side of. And I don't know if I like the idea of going into a store that's so big,

I immediately get the impulse to yodel. Oh, la, lo, yeah, right? Or you think you can hear your own echo. You're like, hello! And you wait like 30 seconds, and you hear, I've been lost in here for 30 years, years, years, years. It's an interesting store, and they sell everything. Absolutely, anything you could ever want is in Walmart.

So here's what I suggest. Here's what I do. The first thing I bought when I got into Walmart was a bicycle. I bought a bicycle so basically I could ride around the rest of Walmart. I mean, good Lord. They should have a, they probably do, but I didn't see it. They should have a travel agency in there. So you can book a flight from one side of the floor to the other,

or one side of the store to the other, for gosh sakes. But like I said, you can buy anything. So I'm walking around. And, you know, I got a power drill. I bought some towels. I got a bag of lettuce. And they actually sell rifles in there. And I wasn't going to get a rifle.

But then when I was in Isle 12, I actually passed a herd of grazing elk. And I thought, you know, why not bag an elk? Well, I'm in this giant place. So I bagged myself an elk, I bought a rifle, and it's just a monstrosity. But I've also felt like Walmart's been getting a bit of a bad rap, okay? I keep seeing these stories about Walmart destroys neighborhoods and Walmart undercuts, you know, the United States, and Walmart eats up the mom and pop shops and all this stuff. And I started thinking about why people were saying that

And I started to think maybe it isn't entirely fair Look, Walmart is a big giant warehouse full of everything you need Okay And I thought to myself Well, if you really love the mom and pop shops Let me put this to you Let's say you're going out shopping And you need a bookshelf, some pillow slips

Um, some DVDs um a cake some socks and some shampoo so do you want to drive to the bakery do you want to drive to the clothing store do you want to drive to the butcher shop do you want to drive to the hardware store

do you want to drive to the linen store I mean how much do you really love these mom and pop shops do you want to give up half your day driving around looking for parking going into all these different stores when you can just do everything at one place and you're like well that's the point Harlan they're just killing all the other stores man

and I'm like okay let me throw this at you when you go grocery shopping do you go to a poultry place where they sell eggs do you go to a butcher shop where they sell all the meat do you go to a dairy where they sell all the milk and get your butter and your cheese?

Do you go to a vegetable stand and buy all your vegetables? Do you go to a fruit farm and pick your own apples? No. You go to Whole Foods. You go to Ralph's. You go to whatever the grocery store is in your neighborhood. And you buy all your groceries under one roof. And by the way, a lot of grocery stores now sell a lot of other crap,

like pots and pans and toys and magazines and shampoo and hair coloring and deodorant and toothpaste. So isn't that the same theory as Walmart? They're just offering you all this stuff in one place. You're like, oh, well, that's one example, Harlan. Okay, how many of you go to Home Depot? How many of you go to Home Depot and buy your lumber, your paint, your barbecue, your charcoal, your grass seed, your plants, your light bulbs, all that stuff?

Hmm? Or would you rather go to a lumber yard to get your lumber? Would you rather go to the garden shop and buy your grass seed? Would you rather go to Willie's Barbecue and Fireplace Shop and buy your barbecue? Or do you just do everything all in one damn place? Because it's easier. I think we all know the answer, ladies and gentlemen. And so why is it that Walmart gets this big, giant bad rap?

That they're wrecking neighborhoods and destroying jobs. Look, I'm not an advocate of Walmart. I'm not on the payroll. But I keep hearing these people with this argument. Whenever you bring up Walmart, they roll their eyes and they do this and they get mad. And then I ask these people the question. questions I just asked you, and they don't really have an answer, and they can't rationalize, and they say, well, all the Walmart crabs built in China, and it's no good, that's not true.

They go, well, Walmart's products are substandard, and the food's no good. Apparently, Walmart has some of the best health code safety standards in the business. And apparently Walmart started this whole new campaign to really make sure they're selling lots and lots of American-made products. and even if they weren't, who cares? You know, a lot of your groceries come from Mexico and Portugal and everything doesn't come out of North America. You know?

And so Walmart has been getting this bad rap. And then the other argument I have is, you know what? Yeah, Walmart sells stuff cheap, but there's a lot of low-income families in this country. Who are we? Who are the people? that are making a good income to chastise people who go to Walmart.

You know, going to Walmart for some families could mean the difference between having enough food on the table or having a couch in their living room or being able to afford a TV or things like that that a lot of us might take for granted. Now, that being said, I haven't sat down and broken down all the Walmart and Home Depot and grocery store pros and cons. This is just a general conversation, but it seems to me

a lot of people roll their eyes and give Walmart a hard time. And I'm throwing out there, is it because you really hate Walmart? Or is it because you're a victim of hearing propaganda about Walmart where there's been a lot of news stories about how bad it is and how evil it is? blah, blah, blah. And from what I can tell, they're not unionized. And sometimes I wonder, well, is that a threat to the unions? Have the unions put out a bunch of propaganda to paint Walmarts with this broad brush

and try and calm the community into thinking how evil they are? I mean, do you really think if a Walmart comes into your neighborhood it's going to shut down every friggin' store on your street? I don't know. Maybe there's studies that have been done that prove that it has, but still times are changing. I mean, people, that's like saying, why should I shop online?

Online shopping is destroying the mom and pop places. You can go online and buy anything you want and have it shipped to your house. That's like one giant, uh information super highway walmart should we shut down the internet should we ban shopping on the internet because uh you didn't get in your car and go down to bill's paint shop and buy two gallons of paint i don't think so times are changing gang you know there was a time when when i was a kid when the the egg man came right to our house there was a guy in a truck

who drove around and delivered eggs and butter and milk there was a guy who delivered chips There was a guy who came to your door in his truck and delivered meat. Consumer trends change. People change. People nowadays maybe don't have time to drive all around. Maybe it's a blessing. You go to Walmart and it's like, oh, God, I can get all this stuff I need. I can get my fishing tackle and I can get some new shoes

and I can get a T-shirt and a hat and my toothpaste. I can even buy a subway sandwich here if I want. So I don't know. I've been in a few times, and I didn't feel the world end. I found it to be actually very helpful because, you know what, there's a lot of consumer goods we buy that we don't really want top end. Okay? I bought some flippers and a mess to go snorkeling in the ocean.

I don't really want to spend, you know, $220 on a fancy pair of goggles and some flippers. What I'm going to go snorkeling twice while I'm on holiday? I'm happy to go into Walmart and get the cheap. Chinese stuff and spend, you know, $30 on that. Why do I want to waste money on a product that I might not use again? And same goes for things like tools and stuff like that. Yeah, I don't want to go into some fancy hardware shop and buy a screwdriver kit for, you know, $120 when I can get one at Walmart for like $12. I'm not a mechanic.

I'm not a guy that puts houses together. I'm a guy that maybe changes a light bulb or a faceplate on a plug or, you know, tightens a bolt on my shoe or something. I don't know. So I'm a little mystified at all the Walmart bashing. And, you know, again, I'm not a paid spokesperson for Walmart. I'm just saying, hey, guys, what's with the double standard? What's with the BS? And by the way, I've been with people who hate Walmart.

I've been in Walmart and watched them buy stuff in Walmart and still profess how much they hated all the way there and all the way home. But yet they were more than happy to get the great deal and walk out the door with the products. So I don't know. I'm just checking in to make sure that this isn't coming from some kind of smear campaign somewhere. as opposed to people just genuinely hate Walmart. Just food for thought.

Interesting. Well, I guess I better wrap it up. I got to go get ready for the... I got to get my Halloween show started. I guess that idiot Timmy, the campfire kids coming by. Good Lord. I'm not happy about that at all. So that'll be our next podcast, the Halloween show.

Meanwhile, please check me out this week. I'm going to be in Red Deer, Alberta, and Lethbridge, Alberta, doing stand-up comedy shows. Go to Harlowelliams.com and get the locations, tickets, times, all that stuff. And then, let's see, Thursday through Saturday, October 24th through 26, I'll be at the comic, at the Comedy Club, at the Blackfoot Inn in Calgary. and that's a great venue, great shows. That's probably going to sell out. So go to Harlow Williams.com and get your tickets and come to the show.

It's going to be a lot of fun. And then early in November, I will be in Tampa, Florida at the Improv, November 7th to the 10th. And that is one of my favorite clubs in the whole country. So make sure you get your tickets for the Tampa Improv. It's going to be awesome. Well, you're at harlainwilms.com.

Check out our store. We have some crazy new stuff, new t-shirts. We've got this magic, pardon my French, fuck-off shirt, where you have a bunch of random letters, and you fold the shirt up, and it spells the word F-off. And that's a real good punchline on your friends. Also, please subscribe to my YouTube channel, the Harland Williams YouTube channel.

You can do it right there at Harlanwilms.com, and you'll start seeing a lot of the funny videos that I'm shooting. I'll also check out my sitcom if you're up in Canada on City TV. It's called Package Deal. Real funny sitcom, Eugene Levy, Pamela Anderson, myself. You are going to get a blast out of it. And that's it, gang. That is it.

That's all we have today. I've got to get over to Walmart and buy myself some new Massingills because it's that time. And until next time, you know the saying, Chicken, Chalmain, baby.