The Harland Highway - 524 - My final interview with funnyman JIM CARREY. Dr. Ascot too.

Episode Date: October 28, 2013

Dr. Ascot drops by to annoy me today, as well we discuss a real cute pet story. Also, my final interview segment with actor, comedian, JIM CARREY is played, we joke around but also hear some deeper thoughts from Jim. Crush my crab shack!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, this is Harlem Williams here on the Harlan Highway with you. Yes, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, and what a show we have today. What a cool, cool show. I'm going to tell you a really cute, adorable story. It's so cute and cuddly. You're going to get tingles and wangles all over you. Also, I'm going to listen to a couple of phone calls today from pavement pounders. um unfortunately my on-air therapist dr ascot is dropping by to bestow his ridiculous wisdom on me

makes me want to puke just thinking about it and then uh over the uh over the months i've been playing uh excerpts of a interview i did with jim carey years and years ago just after ace ventura came out when uh jim was just starting to blow up i sat down and did a recorded an interview with Jim where we just talked about silly things and serious things. And this will be the last portion of that interview. I'm airing it today on the show. And it's really cool stuff to hear Jim way back. I think we're going back 15, 20 years with this.

So I hope you enjoy that. Hope you enjoy the show. Put your helmet on. Let's go. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living?

The Harland Highway Hey-o And there's glasses I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy

Many, many many Fucking years of therapy I will kill you Listen lame brain let an expert show you how to do this The Harland Highway You never know what you're going to get It's the Harland Highway

Hello Hey Harlan, this is Harland And I was just calling in to Tell you to Wash your feet, they stink God What's the matter with you? You know, sometimes I don't even like

being you. Can't we just have nice clean feet for once? Okay? Do your toenails have to be yellow and orange and cracked and look like a giraffe's neck? Does the skin on the bottom of your feet have to look like elephant ass? Just clean your act up, Williams. God, you make me sick. God, you're lucky I even listen to your podcast. Ew! I'm going to say it again. Ew! Okay, well, not a great way to start the show. Roger, why did you let me call in? What?

Well, I don't know how I called myself. I don't... Well, if I call in in the future, don't let me talk. I don't know what's happening. How do... Why would I call myself and complain about my feet? I, what is happening? Can we move on?

Give me something. I don't want the image of rotten feet for my listeners at the beginning of the show. Let's just move on. You got something. Give me a cute story. Okay, this looks cute. This little, okay. Yeah, I like this.

I like this. Oh, this is real cute. Okay. Here we go, gang. My apologies for calling myself, by the way. Really inappropriate, and I should leave my grievances at home and not air them out to myself by calling, I don't, what am I talking about? Anyways, cute story to kick off the show. Listen to this headline, Pitbull rescues cat from attacking coyotes.

I like this story. This is about as cute as it gets. Down in Florida, there was a woman who has a pit bull she's looking after for her son. well, he's deployed in Afghanistan. And this pit bull, I guess, rescued her kitten from a band of marauding, murdering, nightmarish coyotes. This lady said she'd been taking care of the dog, Jack, while her son Peter, is in Afghanistan. And it turns out this pit bull formed a strong bond with her cat, Kitty.

Okay, first of all, can we come up with some more original pet names here? Jack is like a human name, and kitty is what it is. It's a kitty, okay? I mean, you don't call your dog, dog, okay? And I think you can be a little more original than Jack. That's the beauty of pets, man. You can call them anything you want. Hey, come here, Lazzania.

Come here. um science lab beaker come on come on and catch the ball telephone dial you know dog you can call them anything come on rhubarb tits come on guy so let's not uh you know

jack and kitty anyways i digress uh anyways uh anyways uh the uh these uh coyote I guess got a hold of kitty, kitty the cat. One of these coyotes had the kitten by the neck, and the other had it by the tail. She said, Jack the Pipple jumped into action.

The lady says, I didn't know Jack could run that fast. He was on them so fast, she said. So Jack quickly freed the kitty from the coyotes and chased the wild animals away. The lady goes on to say, is a hero. He saved the kitty's life and he just shows how good dogs can be. Big dogs can protect you, especially if something like this happens. She said the kitty was taken to a vet and treated for her injuries. And this is cute. She said Jack has been watching over the

feline while she recuperates. He probably feels like he's the caretaker. He checks on her every day and sniffs her, seeing what kind of shape she is in. Isn't that sweet? That's cool. You want to see that. You want to see a little kitty like it. It must have been seconds from being ripped in half because that's what coyotes do. If one's got a kitten by the head and the other's got it by the tail,

wild animals just want to eat. They're not interested in sharing. So literally they would have pulled that little animal right in half. It probably had about two strides before. where it would have been, like, ripped apart. And here comes Jack, the pit bull running in. And I got to say, man, you know, coyotes are probably like, ah, you know, we live in the United States.

You know, what's our worst predator? Maybe if we bumped into a wolf somewhere. Maybe a wolverine might give us a little bit of a run if we happen to bump into a bear, maybe a mountain lion. But, see, coyotes that live in cities don't have to. to fear those things. Coyotes are kind of like the top predator in the food chain in the cities. So most coyotes that live in cities have probably never even heard or seen a big bear or a wolf or a mountain lion.

So they just probably walk around thinking, ah, we're the king of the beasts. We're the lion king. But picture this, you're a coyote, which aren't that much bigger than a pit bull. And here comes a friggin' pit bull charging at you, man. Sudden you're like, wait a minute, where'd this thing come from? We're the top predators. What's this thing that looks like a UFC fighter? What's this thing that looks like a cage fighter coming at us?

Good Christ. Yeah, you don't want a pit bull running at you, man. I mean, as a human you don't want it, but there's another animal. Forget it, man. that's like if you're a human you got a big guy with a big no neck and tattoos and a shaved head like that's like a real badass coming right at you so kitty you've got a good friend there kitty and uh congratulations to jack and that's a cute story yeah i know i'm killing time rogers holding up a sign in the window it says Halloween

Timmy the Campfire Boy Yeah, I know Here's what happened, gang, the last podcast, okay? My annoying boss, Mr. Featherstone, calls me up to his office and says You're going to have Timmy the Campfire Kid on your next podcast, and he's going to sing Halloween songs. Well, guess what?

I'm making a stand. I'm not having them on, okay? And if I get called back up to that guy's office and he wants to have it out with me, I've decided I'm finally going to stand my ground, Mr. Featherstone. So I'm sorry if you were expecting Timmy the Campfire Boy to sing Halloween songs, but I don't want that idiot on my show. I do a sophisticated show.

I do a topical show, an insightful show, and some little kid with a cracking voice is going to come on here and sing Campfire songs at Halloween? No. So there, and I know I'm going to get hauled up to his office again, but I'm going to have it out. I'm going to stand my ground. How about that? I feel good about what I just said.

Hello, Allent. What are you doing here? Oh,land. No, I was just telling a cute story, and I didn't even see you come in. Hello, Arland. Hello. We already said hello. Hello. I just said hello.

Hello, Arland. Okay, stop saying hello. Hello, Arland. What are you doing here, Ascot? I'm in the middle of my podcast. And I am required by the people who run this podcast to do your on-air therapy sessions, Arland. Oh, God. what can i get a little warning please

well it'd be nice to know i was just about to go into a a different bit and now all right what are we talking about alland i noticed you were talking about your rotten feet earlier no i wasn't talking about my rotten feet harland called into the podcast and left a message about i had bad feet. Holland. What?

Holland, let me see your rotten feet. They're not rotten. My feet are fine. My feet are manicured and there's no dead skin. Well, then why did you call yourself, Holland? I don't know why I called myself. Holland. That's a very dangerous psychological position you've put yourself in.

What are you talking about? Talking to yourself, Arland. I wasn't talking to myself. I phoned myself to... Arland, are you listening to what you're saying? Yes, I'm listening to what I'm saying. Holland. Tell me about your rotten, crunched up feet, Holland. I don't have rotten, crunched up feet. And by the way, who wears a yellow sweater with checkers on it? "'Aarland.'

"'You seriously, you look like a waiter from Sonic Burger or something?' "'Aarland. "'Stop deflecting, Arland.' "'I'm not deflecting.' "'Yes, you are, Arland. "'You're trying to get around the fact "'that you called yourself to talk about your own rotten elephant feet.' "'I don't have elephant feet, Ascot.

"'Okay, I don't know what happened.' "'Aarland, I want you. do talk to yourself in front of me and see if we can't help cure this strange affliction you have called talkers flanders talkers flanders that's the medical term for what you're going through arland talkers flanders yes alland what do you want me to do i want to hear you talk to yourself all and then I can start working on a cure to stop you from talking to yourself, Arland. What do I say?

I don't know, Arland. Why don't you just start talking to yourself? Why don't you introduce yourself? Okay, hi, my name is Harland. Hello, Harland. How are you? I'm good, I guess. What are you doing today, Harland? Oh, I don't know.

here talking to this idiot, stupid therapist with a yellow checkerboard sweater on who looks like he should be wearing roller skates and serving milkshakes at a drive-thru? Holland. Well, you told me to talk to myself. Holland. Keep going, Holland. Well, anyways, I was thinking of going out to see a movie tonight, and if you'd like to come with me, I'd really like to take you to the movie.

movies, Harland. That's good. Keep going, Arland. And then maybe later we could, you know, go out to the coast and park my truck and, you know, really get to know each other a little. I mean, you are kind of cute, Harland. Keep going, Arland. This is most fascinating, if not perverted. So maybe I could, you know, we can sit close and I can put my arm around you and we can. We could stare into each other's eyes and we could... Yes, Holland. We could touch each other's faces. Keep going, Holland.

This is getting very interesting, if not disturbing. And then we could caress each other's faces and then slowly our mouths could come together and we could kiss and... Holland. What are your hands doing during this conversation? And then my hands could reach up under your top, Harland, and I could start squeezing your breast milk, and I could milk your breasts, and...

Oh, and I think we need to stop now. And then I could reach down into your pants, Harlan, and undo your belt, and pull out your magic surprise box, Harland. Holland, I need you to stop. And then we can both get naked and cover ourselves in olive garden, olive oil, and cinnamon dust, and roll around on the hood of my truck. And really, Holland. Ah, what? Holland, you went a little too far, Holland.

What happened? What was I saying? Holland, I think maybe you better take a cold shower when you get home. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, Arlen, you're stuttering. Sorry, I'm just, I felt like I was in a daze. Arlen, may I suggest that you sleep in a separate bedroom from yourself tonight? What do you mean?

I wouldn't stay in the same bed with yourself if I were you, Arlen. Okay, why? Just trust me on this, Arland. Okay. what happened to me i was i went a little dizzy and i blacked out a little alland i think i'm going to leave now wait a minute you're leaving yes alland i'm going to have a shower okay good well i don't know what i said but get out of here alland have fun with yourself you dirty virgin hey what was that goodbye alland goodbye askot roger what was that guy drops in and makes me talk to myself what are you cringing about what did i say you know what let's just move on ridiculous redonculus creepy doctor ascot guy wears a yellow

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100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hello? Hello. Unreal Harland. How much weirder could you really be? Anyway, I'm just driving down the Highway 100 with my girlfriend talking about The old skit you did, actually, the story you told about the Indian guy, who after did six or seven puts in the air, said, Right. So, you can't get over how funny that is. Great story.

Thanks for telling it. We look back on it. We have a great time thinking about it. Have a blast. Show's great. Thanks again, Tony from Milwaukee. Right. All right, right.

Yeah, that was a crazy story I told a while back about. I witnessed the guy, flip his car through the air like five times, get out of it and just walk down the street, totally unscathed. I approached him. And I go, dude, are you okay? And it was this East Indian gun. He's like, yes, everything is fine. I go, your car is ruined. And he's like, right, right.

Anyways, you got to go back and find the podcast. I'm glad you liked it. It was a funny story, thankfully, because. it could have been catastrophic. This guy, I was amazed he wasn't dead. So I'm glad you got some merriment out of that story. And speaking of merriment, over the months, I've played some clips of an interview I did with Jim Carrey

way back in the day. My goodness, it might be, what, 15, maybe over 15 years ago. I did an interview with Jim. when he was still on in living color, just when Jim was kind of blowing up, and we just did a casual interview, and it was a long, long time ago. I interviewed him for an article in a magazine I was writing, and we sat down and just shot the breeze, and I asked them all kinds of ridiculous questions, and so here it is. My final interview, my final chunk of interview with actor-comedian, funny

man one of my favorite guys out there uh here he is gang my interview final interview with jim carrie oh my god and how no CPR what did i do what's the biggest problem with being famous aside from all these interviews Disneyland Disneyland is a nightmare oh yeah everyone mobs hey man do that face you do do that face you do man put your head behind your head do a contortion oh you know it's not it's not good even like you know Pluto and Mickey

and stuff like ripped their heads off when I come behind and go hey man do that fish you do last time was at Disneyland the guy who does Pluto went crazy I really thought he was a dog he was like rubbing his ass along the ground ringworm

what would you like to see on your tombstone? Um, uh, hopefully, uh, died 19,

er, died 2050. You know? So you want to live forever. Yeah. Or at least, at least till they land on Mars. Yeah.

Basically. He wasn't a ham, he was the whole pig. What's that mean? That's the thing. on the tombstone. That's what it would say? He wasn't a ham, he was the whole pig. Died in 2050.

What makes you so funny? What the hell is this? Jesus. Desperation. I'm plenty of it. When you're not making your funny facial contortions, you look so normal. Do you think this is a genetic talent or did you learn it from someone? Oh, God. No, I didn't learn it from anybody, I guess.

It was basically a lot of time spent in my room, you know, grounded. And, you know, nobody but the reflection in the mirror to play with, and that was it. Really? Yeah. ...had conversations with myself. That's true, isn't it? I can tell. Yes, my mother used to say that to me. say that to me. Everybody's, you know, your face

is going to stay that way and stuff. And, you know, I never really feared that. She used to tell me there was that if I stopped, didn't stop looking in the mirror, I'd see the devil. And so I'd just piqued my interest even more. Got some candles. You know, try to

you know, figure I could make a deal. But he never showed up, so. You still trying? He showed up in other forms, you know, I think there's like a point in everybody's career where they like decide whether or not they're going to do whatever it takes to get famous or just like try to do their own thing and, you know, try to see if it finds an audience. There was like a certain point. There was a point when, you know, when I was doing the clubs where, you know,

I saw a lot of people getting high and doing their shit and stuff like that and I've never been able to do that and I like one time I smoked pot and went on stage and I was brilliant and uh

you know Kinnison and all these guys were at the back of the club and they said man you were unbelievable and I said there wasn't me you know it was the pot so you know so I decided at that point

but you know there was a real conscious decision to say, you know, I want to wake up 40 years from now and know that I did it. Yeah. Good for you, man. It wasn't some other substance, you know. That's my boy. I saw Richard Pryor go through some of that too. Did you? And Kinnison? Just where he couldn't remember a lot of years of his life, you know, whether he had done it, you know. Was Kyneson like that too? Well, Sam was a party monster, you know, but, but he had kind of set up, you You know, his character was such that he really couldn't get out of that. I mean, that was his character to be that completely irreverent, you know,

guy who just, you know, the green boar who eats up life, you know. And so, you know, it's pretty hard to shake that once you've established yourself. You can't all of a sudden come on stage and say, you know, I don't do anything that's bad for me. You know, that kind of thing. The audience would be disappointed. Right, right. Luckily my stuff doesn't come from that direction. Good for you, man.

that's excellent. What kind of music do you listen to? I listen to everything. I listen to everything, if it's interesting. I even like Snoop Doggy Dog. But I guess they just kind of broadened it a little bit, because I probably would never have listened to any rap stuff or anything like that if I hadn't been on that show.

So I kind of learned to appreciate it, but I also learned to criticize it a bit too. I mean, I literally would stand there sometimes with the other cast members. One time, in particular, David Allegrae just fell on the ground laughing because I turned to him and I said, this is like bad rap, isn't it? And he said, yeah, it's bad. Like that. So I began to realize that I could actually decipher between good and bad rap.

Wow, that's. Yeah. Jim, if I pulled out a wedding. ring right now proposed would you marry me will you sign the paper yes okay seriously harlan i thought about it if you had a pussy my search would be over so oh good let me just put it that way oh my god jim what do you look for in a woman Oh, God. A nice, healthy stool.

You know? Good coloration. Not too big. Oh, God. A petite stool is nice. Is that true? Jim, what do you look for in a salad? A petite stool.

Made help. Nice healthy one. Jim. Have you ever carved a totem pole? Well, I guess there's a lot of different, you know, names for masturbation. Yes. Oh, you've crossed the line again.

Jim, you always seem to have such a positive attitude. How do you do it? That's a serious. Oh, fuck yourself. Jim, what would you say? see if I told you I was happy for you, proud of you, and you are an inspiration to me.

God, I'd be happy because I think you're great. Thanks, Jim. You're interesting and different and a very troubled individual, but you're making the best of it. That's all anyone can ask. Well, Jim, that's my final question. Thanks, so

thanks a million. Thank you very much. and good luck with your future endeavors. Thanks, John. Cool, man. Some great questions. There's some great answers, man. That's something there. Yeah, we can turn that off now.

Do you get recorded? Yep, it recorded all right. Man, what a blast from the past. That was, just to put that into a time reference for you, that was when I had just kind of got to, to Hollywood and I was just I'd probably been in Hollywood I think about two years maybe three years and was just starting to get my footing I really didn't know a lot of people I was uh I was still making my name known around town I was I was doing the local comedy clubs and uh that's kind of

where Jim first saw me and we met and that's when he uh recommended me for a roll and dumb and dumber and uh just i just do jim a great uh great pile of gratitude for uh being kind to me and uh being helpful to me and being a friend and all that stuff and uh i really love it that jim did so well and made such an impact on film and comedy and uh he really is a unique uh a unique individual. So it's really nice to see. But yeah, that's a real blast from the past for me. Bring back a lot of memories.

And I hope you enjoyed it. A lot of silliness in there, but I thought there was some interesting conversation when Jim was talking about, you know, some of the older guys like Richard Pryor and Sam Kinnison and that kind of stuff. And so there you go, man. And that brings us to the end of today's Puppa POD

podcast, ladies and snarful flargens. Let's see, what can I tell you here that might be of value to you? Make sure you go to harloweems.com. If you want to leave any comments, you can write. You can leave a phone message at 323-739-433, if you want. And don't forget that I will be in Calgary, Alberta tonight. I'll be working at the Blackfoot Inn in Calgary, Alberta, a great comedy club. I'll be there Thursday the 24th to the 26th, which is Saturday.

Please go to Harlan Williams.com and click on my stand-up schedule and get your tickets because that sucker is probably going to sell out. It usually does, and I don't want anyone to be disappointed. I'll be doing a meet and greet after the show and it's going to be a great time also coming up later in well I should say early in November

if you're down in Florida I'm going to be at the Tampa Improv in Tampa Florida that'll be November 7th through November 10th and that's going to be a great time and then later in November I'll be in Seattle I'll be in Seattle, Washington

I will be at the parlor live, a great comedy club. That's Thursday, November 21st to Saturday, the 23rd. And lots of great stuff coming down the pipe. Check out the store at Harlan Williams.com. We got crazy new t-shirts. Check out all things comedy, which is the great podcast network that you can find, The Harland Highway, ATC.com.

All Things Comedy, where Jake Johansson and Bill Burr and many other funny comedians have their podcasts. Proud to be part of that affiliation. And check out, lastly, my YouTube channel, which you can subscribe to on harloweems.com. Lots of funny, kooky videos coming through there for your enjoyment. Just go on and subscribe, and you will, you will. You will see all the crazy videos we do. And check out my sitcom on Canadian television. If you live in Canada, package deal on City TV.

I think they moved it around on the schedule. It might be on Thursdays instead of Mondays now, but just check your local listings and hope you enjoy that little treat. And that's it, man. We are done for today. I hope you had a great time. Always a pleasure to have you here, everybody. love having you here on the Harland Highway.

And until next time, everyone, chicken chalemain, baby, right.