The Harland Highway - 526 - AUNT RUTHIE calls in, also, callers share penis stories, hanging out with babies.

Episode Date: November 4, 2013

Aunt Ruthie calls in to Harland's answering machine, we also have callers telling penis secrets, and Harland spends an afternoon hanging out with a baby. Sweet curved out car parts!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a show, what a show, what a show. Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, get your tickets. What a show, what a show. Yeah, you don't need tickets. It's free. It's the Harlan Highway, man. We never charge for this stuff. It's free, free, free.

Glad you're here. I'm Harlan Williams, the host of this nutty podcast, the Harlan Highway. What a show we have today. Oh, my God. I think we're going to get a call from Aunt Ruthie. She's always out on the road driving. I don't know what she's up. up to but i think she's got a message for us today on my voicemail um we're also going to be

taking some of your phone calls i had asked you guys a few podcasts back the men i was like hey guys uh it's a little weird but if you've ever stuck your pee your penis into something other than where it should be we want to hear about it and yes we did get some uh incredible phone calls from some courageous men that decided to step out of the shadows and share their experiences with us. We'll be playing those phone calls for you here today. Also, we're going to be talking about, I had lunch with a baby. I had lunch with a little baby, and it was a fascinating experience, and I thought I'd share my thoughts with you about being a baby.

So don't be a baby. Have fun and listen to this podcast, the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-oh! There's glasses!

I will find you. My mom always said, You can't handle the truth. Many years of therapy. Many, many, many, fucking years of therapy. I will kill you. Listen, lame, brain. Let an expert show you how to do this.

The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Hello? Hello. Hey, Harlem. All right, you asked for it, and here we go. And you're ding-dong and things, right?

So I was probably 14, and my older brother had moved out, and we had bunk beds in our room. And after he moved out, we kept the bunk beds in place, and the top bunk was simply never used, or I just used it for storage. So eventually, after a couple years, he left when, you know, he moved out when I was 12. By the time I was 14 or 15, I wanted that bed out of my room. It was so tall and cumbersome. So I moved the bed out to the garage, and in doing so, noticed that there was a hole kind of cut into the mattress, and this was a whole kind of cut into the mattress, and this was a really cheap set of bump beds. So it was basically a brick of foam wrapped in cloth.

You know, this was not springs or anything fancy. Brick of foam, wrapping cloth, and a couple wood slats on it, give it rigidity, and that was the mattress. So I noticed this little hole cut in it, and my mind started wandering, and with the mattress propped up against the wall of the garage, that little hole was just a couple feet off the ground. So, I went at it and quickly realized that that felt horrible and was not going to get me anywhere. And so I went back about my business and about a half hour later it occurred to me. That hole was probably put there by my older brother and probably used by him. All right, brother.

Love the podcast. Take care. Oh, boy. oh boy thank you for sharing name withheld let's just call you name withheld uh wow you know i asked you guys did a story a few podcasts back about uh you know a guy who put his wahoo his his yahoo serious i think he stuck it into a blender or something ridiculous and so i reached out to you guys the pavement pounders and said who amongst you has the the courage to share a story where you put your Wahoo serious into something that wasn't built for a Wahoo serious.

Who of you, who amongst you men have had sexual intercourse with something that was not meant to be intercourced with? Well, kudos to my first mysterious caller takes a lot of courage. Courage. Courage! Gruff! Great, now I'm picturing the cowardly lion having sex with a watermelon. Roof! Courage! But, wow, what a story.

Your brother, what's creepy is that all those years, your brother was up above you sleeping and power pounding the mattress up there. and you didn't even know oh to cut a hole in the foam which would probably absorb all the the liquid shall we say oh I'm getting my skins crawling

and you got to figure if he put a hole in there and he was going through like prepubescence or puberty or whatever it is you got to ask how many times did he go to the well how many times did he make love to that block of foam how many gallons of love juice are absorbed in that phone and then you came along and stuck your Wahoo serious in there and what's funny to me is that you had it propped up against the wall

with the mattress propped up against the wall of the garage that little hole was just a couple of off the ground so you you did it like standing up you did like Italian Italian like romance movie style you just threw that mattress against the wall let me take you right here in the garage I will not lay you down on the floor I will take you right here right against the wall hey let's do it rip my clothes off my darling right here against the wall crunchy inside. Hey, who cares? Ah! Oh my god. So there you go, man. Thank you for sharing that story. Like I said, hats off to you for being able to tell such a torrid tale of lust and romance.

I love it that you tried it once and got the hell out of Dodge. You were like, um this wasn't really good um and i was thinking through the whole story i was like wait don't you realize that was your brother's like glory hole and right at the end you're like yeah i realized my brother probably did it to this mattress too so so good story man and if you see a bunch of little foam mattresses running around your neighborhood they're probably yours so you might want bring them in out of the rain so they don't get soaked um but uh let's listen to uh some more i think we have another caller who shared his free willie story um let's get to that call here we go hey harland i was just listening to the podcast and you said you wanted to know we had places

where we have stuck our junk um you were the first person i've ever told this this view and I guess the thousands of other pavement pounder brother of mine. But when I was about 13 years old, when I was trying to service myself for the first time, I stuck my junk in a cup of ramen noodles. Anyways, have a good one, man. Chicken Jamain, baby. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? What?

What? Oh, whoa. Okay. Again, thank you to name and address withheld. Oh, my God. Roman ramen noodles? You were ramming some noodles, it sounds like. Wait a minute.

Okay, I can get this if, let's say, it was your fourth or fifth or sixth time ever experimenting with the gun, shall we say? okay you go through life the gun's never gone off but the first time that's a little strange to me the very first time you did it you put it in a bowl of ramen noodles or a cup or whatever it was that that's that's that's that's wow that's like taking a chance right out of the gate

you know what I've never orgasmed okay I've heard about it and from what I've heard from my sex education classes is that a man puts it inside of a woman and has his first orgasm well guess what I'm not going to do it that way my first orgasm's going to be in a bowl of noodle soup okay I am going to insert myself into a hot bowl of ramen noodle soup. Chicken broth flavor.

So there, I will lose my virginity. That's right. I'm going to lose my virginity to a bowl of fresh, warm, hot soup. And I'm going to do it on a winter day. I'm going to wait till I'm cold. I'm outside playing with my friends having a snowball fight.

And I'm just freezing all over. and I'm going to run in the house and whip up a bowl of hot soup and slam my erection straight into it. Oh, my God. Hilarious. That's why I wanted you guys to write in or call in and tell me these stories because it's stuff you can't even think of. Human beings are weird, man.

And kudos again for sharing, and again, nobody knows it's you. There's no name. There's no, you know, but the first time losing your virginity to some Japanese soup. Wow, and how hot was the soup? I mean, you know, that that's an extra added element of danger. Because usually to get some soup going, you get it pretty darn hot. Especially the ramen noodle stuff, you usually boil the water. I mean, wow.

And for an inexperienced guy, it's one thing if you're experienced, if you're worldly, and you've had your penis in a, you know, in a bowl of Campbell's Bean with Bacon or chunky-style clam chowder. There's men out there that have fucked soups. But for an amateur, a young virgin, to take his erection and. slam it into some ramen noodle soup that's just are you crazy man oh but good for you you are radical so there you go if anyone else wants to share their stories about you know any gentleman out there of the courage that these two gentlemen had courage ruff ramen noodle courage

you up against the wall I don't care if there's a rake in your head this is the garage I don't care if there are spider webs in your foamy hair I will take you I will slam you against the garage oh my goodness

we keep hitting the garage door opener the garage door is going up and down as I rhythmically slam you do you mind if I pour some ramen noodles on your head do you mind if I stuff this This foamy hole full of Campbell's tomato cream of mushroom soup, just for lubricant.

Oh, oh, oh, yes, my darling. Take me, take me in this garage. All right, enough. Shut it off. Roger, kill the Italian music. I'm getting carried away here. This is redonculus. This is not rages.

I knew it would be. That's why I was urging you guys to share your story. Now that a couple of the pavement pounders have led the way, okay, and I want real stories. I don't want any made up, oh, I'll make up a story that I stuck it in a ceiling fan. No, I can tell. And you're not doing any service to the show if you make up a fake story. We want real stories of gentlemen that put their stuff or junk, as the last caller called it, into a place where normally you wouldn't put your junk.

And I'm going to bet almost every guy listening has done it. Yeah, you can look away. You can go, well, not me. Of course not me. I bet you have, liars. So if you want to share, you don't have to leave your name or your address or your phone number. Just leave us a voicemail. 323-739 4330 and uh you know maybe we'll put your your love story on the on the podcast here

okay so let's put that roger let's put that to bed for now crazy way to start the show let's uh let's move on what there's a phone message who is it oh god not aunt ruthy Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy.

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It's time to own it. Shop now at IKEA.ca. Oh, do we have to hear that? Oh, God, here we go. Hi, this is Harland. I'm not available right now, so please leave me a message, and I will get right back to you. Thanks. Hello. Hello, Holland. Hello, darling. How are you? It's your Aunt Ruthie calling.

Hi, Angel. Listen, I'm calling from a Rochester, New York, doll. Listen, your Aunt Ruthie's out driving, and I can't figure out what's happening. Something's making a banging noise. Something's making a banging noise and a clicking noise underneath my hood, Holland. And I'm nervous. I'm driving around. all over the city, I'm trying, I'm trying to go to the pharmacy to buy some stuff for your uncle Harry. Unfortunately, his liver's been acting up lately, and he's been farting around the house like a fucking dead giraffe.

It's just disgusting. I think he's, I don't know what's going on. His farts smell like a mixture of hay, and, uh, I don't know what, like, lemon meringue pie or something, Holland. It's just awful. Anyways, honey, I'm a little nervous about driving all around. I've got the banging, something's banging on the hood. I think my fender's hanging off.

I think the fender's hanging off because I parked in one of those wheelchair spots, and I hit it. There was a little fucking kid in a wheelchair, and I don't know what he was doing in the actual wheelchair spot, Holland. But I guess he was waiting. for someone to pick him up and I was like, look, I've got to park. I've got to park my car and go into the grocery store and get some groceries and I guess this little wheelchair kid was sitting there and I banged right into him and I think my bumper fell off, Holland. Oh my God, it's clanging,

it's clunking on the road as I'm driving. Oh my God. Oh my God. And the little wheelchair kid fell over, you know, and he looked like he was a little bit chubby, and well, he had no legs, Holland, and I couldn't pick him up. He was too heavy, so he was, he was rolling around on the ground, just flailing all over. His little nubs sticking out of his shorts. Looked like glazed hams trying to fly to heaven like a, like the spaceship shuttlecraft endeavor. It looked like two numbed hams trying to shoot off into space, Holland. And he was rolling around like a turtle on his back. I couldn't believe it, but I'm an old lady.

I'm 85 for fuck sakes, Holland. I can't get out of my car and help a kid who fell out of his wheelchair. I mean, you know, is that my fault? Or is that just, you know, whose fault is that, Holland? Anyway, speaking of wheelchairs, I'll never forget when you were just a little boy. Do you remember, Holland, when we took you down to the boardwalk? And you had sprayed your ankle and your track and field games over at your high school, honey. Do you remember that?

And Uncle Harry and I had you in a wheelchair, and Uncle Harry wasn't paying attention, and he accidentally let you go. Do you remember that? You had your cute little haircut and your pirate hat on and your little running shoes and all of a sudden Uncle Harry lost his fucking attention and you went rolling down the boardwalk, do you remember? You went rolling down and you rolled right into an ice cream parlor. You hit the little bar where the stools are.

Do you remember Harland, your little angel? and you hit the little bar there, the counter, and you flew out of your wheelchair and went right over the counter and smashed through the mirror. Do you remember that? And you were crying, your little angel. And Uncle Harry came running in

and he bought you a butterscotch ripple ice cream. Do you remember that? Such a wonderful memory, all. And then I guess when I smashed into this little kid with the nubs in the wheelchair, it made me remember that. But, oh, there goes the banging again, and now someone's honking at me. Stop honking at me.

I'm an old lady. I've got a bumped-up bumper, and I've got a kid with glazed legs. They're in a wheelchair spot. Stop it. Oh, my God, Holland. I'm in a panic. Listen, honey, if you get a chance, will you call your aunt Lucy, please? Oh, just give me a call and see if you get my bumper scraping right along the ground.

Oh, Christ. They just hit a dog. Oh, my God. My bumper just hit a dog. Oh, my God. Look at that fucking dog. It's just fucking flipped out backwards. Oh, God.

A truck ran over in Holland. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at that dog. I didn't know they could bleed so much, Oh, that's horrible. Oh, that's horrible.

Anyways, to all, I love you. This is your Aunt Ruthie. I hope you move. He's a good. Doing good in your Hollywoods and your sitcoms. And you're doing the things. And we'll talk to you soon, Angel. And Ruthie loves you.

Bye, bitch. Stop honking at me. I'm yours. I hope you fucking wake up in an old folks home, and you get punched by one of the nurses. asshole. And Ruthie loves you. Bye, bye, honey, bye.

Call me. Bye, darling. Well, switching gears from Aunt Ruthie. Let's go from the very old to the very young, okay? I got to hang out with a baby the other day. Like, I'm talking, like, not even half a year old. And the mother's a friend of mine, and we met up, and we went and grabbed some lunch and got caught up,

and she brought little baby along. And, man, oh, man. It is very cool to be around a human being, to look in the eyes of a baby and know that that baby has not yet formed an opinion about anything on the planet. I mean, it might have formed a baby opinion like, oh, I like the little toy. But they don't know about social awareness. They don't know about politics. They don't know about economics.

And it's amazing to think about, wrap your head around the concept of a human being, void of all this thought. Like a living, breathing, human being like me and you, how we were at one point in our lives, and completely 100% unaware of the concept of money, of sex, of life, of death. of taxes, of politics, of technology, but yet you're part of us, you're part of the living, functioning world of human beings. And it's such a small window. And I couldn't help but think about this while looking at this baby.

It's such a small window that a human being has where they really are just kind of, they have a pass card. They have no knowledge of all the things that kind of slowly start to stack up on a human being as they get older. And I thought, what an amazing place to be. What a free place to be. Like, I looked at this baby, and I thought, does this baby know what it's like to be hurt by another human being? Does this baby know what depression is? Does this baby know what pleasure is?

Does this baby know what hilarity is? Does this baby know what kindness is, what sadness is, what greed is, what giving is, what sharing is. It just didn't even, it didn't know the good or the bad of anything. It just knew, I don't even know if it knew it was alive because I don't think a baby understands the concept of life probably. Maybe, I don't know. But it's just, it's just a.

marvel to you know you you look at a baby and the fact that it knows nothing and then you juxtapose it against all the stuff all the knowledge all the experience that you've had in your life and you just stack it up and you go wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow you know and for the part people in north america have a pretty easy going life like we we have our social conflicts, our financial problems, but we're not a country that has to wake up and worry about, you know, the wrath of war and people launching rockets over walls at us and blowing up marketplaces. Yes, we've been touched by terrorism a little bit in the last few years, but compared to what many regions of the world have to deal with, terrorism pretty much every day.

So we have it fairly easy, but for, you know, a baby, a baby just to have that look of wonderment on their face and confusion. And it was so funny because this baby was like six months old or just a little under six months. And it really didn't know how to organize its facial expressions yet. That's how fresh it was to the world. Like you would do something, you make a noise or wiggle your fingers at it. and its eyes and its eyebrow and its mouth and its whole face instead of just going, oh, I'm happy. There's some wiggling fingers and smiling.

It's like the smile would instantly turn into like a confused frown, into a puzzled, befuddled look into a happy look, into an I love you look. Like the face just kept morphing. The face and the brain didn't. know how to contain thoughts long enough or how to organize them so that the face just kept kind of moving and changing it the face couldn't even hold on to one expression because it didn't it didn't understand the expression and it was quite fascinating just to study the the

the I don't know the the evolving the evolving of the child the baby's face just in those seconds in those minutes. And the dependency that goes on, you know, you kind of forget, you know, as an adult, you know, especially if you don't have kids, you forget how vulnerable and how dependent little babies are, you know? It's like you look in nature, and I saw a special the other day where literally the baby zebra drops out of its mother. It takes like about five breaths.

The mother licks the placenta off the baby, and that baby's first order of business is to get up on its feet. And these babies are up and functioning and running with the herd within like 35, 40 minutes. And when you think about a baby, a human baby, who can't really even walk for the first year, and it's just so dependent on us. Whereas most other critters in nature,

they get to it pretty darn fast. They get up and at it really darn fast. And it makes you wonder why human babies are so slow to kind of get up to speed. It's interesting. It's just interesting when you look at the time differences between them. And just the things that a baby needs there, their floating interest going from, you know,

wanting to grab a toy to suddenly just staring at your face or grabbing your ear or there's no holding on to any kind of idea. It's just, it's really just this blank slate and you're watching it. It's like when you plug in a computer or a TV for the first time. And it's, you know, the screen starts to flicker, and a picture comes up for a minute, then it goes away, then an icon comes up and it goes away, and then an instruction screen, and you get static and little noises and boop-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-d-pip, you know. And that's kind of a baby in those first few months, that first year maybe. Just kind of fascinating, just a fascinating kind of outing for me to see this. And you're like, okay, Harland, enough about the baby.

I'm like, okay, relax. You were babies once, okay? This is about you. You were babies once. I'm just trying to refresh your memory about how clueless you were. Okay? Okay. Speaking of clueless, I don't want you to be clueless about a lot of things,

including my new sitcom package deal. If you are living in Canada, I got great news about the sitcom. The ratings just keep going up and up. Every week we're getting viewers, and I think it's because people are tuning into the show. They're catching on, and they're going, you know, this is actually really good. People are really digging package deal. My new sitcom on City TV up in Canada, coast to coast.

Sorry, USA. I think if we get picked up for a second season, they're going to try and sell the show down here, which would be great. but that's yet to be seen. So check that out. It's Monday nights on City TV in Canada. Also, please check me out this coming weekend. I'll be in Tampa, Florida, at the Improv, Thursday, November 7th to the 10th. And then two weeks after that, you can catch me in Seattle, Washington, at the Parlor Live.

That's going to be Thursday, November 21st through Saturday the 23rd. It's going to be a great, great time. And then what else can I tell you? Check out the store. Check out Harlow Williams.com. We got some great new stuff. We got the crazy new magic F-Off t-shirts. You can go into the store and take a look at that.

We got videos. We got T-shirts. We got music. We got CDs. DVDs, artwork, it's all there for you to enjoy. Christmas is coming up. You might want to grab something for your loved ones. Nothing beats the gift of laughter.

Make sure you tell your friends about the Harland Highway Gang and also ATC, All Things Comedy, is a podcast network where this podcast is featured. Also some other great podcast, Jake Johansson, Bill Burr, El Magical, people like that. and that's it, man. When you're at harlainwilms.com, please subscribe to my YouTube channel if you want to receive some of the wacky videos that I do. Good times, good for a laugh.

And that's it. We are going to shut her down. I hope you had a good time here today. Keep your John Hancock out of places it shouldn't be. And especially ramen noodles. because until next time, it's going to be strictly chicken chalman, baby.