The Harland Highway - 527 - GEORGE MICHAEL from WHAM calls in, costume outrage

Episode Date: November 7, 2013

George Michael calls in with a Halloween update, the outrage over banned costumes, and a Pavement Pounder calls in with a bunch of important questions. Burn my urn!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is Harlan Williams. You're listening to the Harland Highway, the Harland Highway. You're okay, enough, sorry. How are you, gang? Welcome pavement pounders, everybody who's rolling down the highway today. What a sweet and sour spare rib of a show we have today. I don't know what that means. But, nonetheless, here we go.

Today we are going to be talking about costumes. Halloween just rolled by, and there was a lot of controversy and political correctness and a lot of BS swirling around costumes and what people could wear and what they couldn't wear and people suing people. You know, it's really taking the fun out of Halloween because kids don't have an agenda.

They don't have any type of mean-spirited racial. agenda or political correct agenda. They just dress up for fun. And I think parents are sapping that out of Halloween. So we're going to talk about that. I got a caller who called in, asked me if I've ever skipped school. And I started reflecting on that, and the answers were quite in depth.

Skipping school might have helped lead to where I am today. And also George Michael's calling in. I hate that creep from Wham. But love this. It's the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living?

The Harland Highway Hey-o And there's glasses I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy

Many many many Fucking years of therapy I will kill you Listen lame brain Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Holland Highway.

Blonk. Well, did you have a good Halloween, boys and girls? Did you go out and get lots of candy and get raunchy and egg your neighbor's house? And do all kinds of crazy, crazy things? Oh, yeah. It's a fun time of year, man. It's a fun time of year when you can dress up and just go berserk. I like it.

What I find interesting, though, is the imagery of the skeleton everywhere you go. Everywhere you look, there's a skeleton. You know, I went to somebody's house and they had like a full-blown skeleton, life-sized skeleton laying on the ground outside their front door. And then someone else had a skeleton, like one of those animals. pneumatronic ones that you walk near it and a sensor goes off and it lasts you know and I think we disassociate with the skeleton but when you think about what a morbid thing it is like the skeleton is us you know that that's our internal structure that's our support system and it's weird that

we're so comfortable with hanging our bones everywhere but what if people just like hung our innards. Like, let's say you went to someone's house and they had intestines hanging on their door and eyeballs and like a heart and a liver and you know, just a bunch of veins

and tissue and raw muscle. And like your brain nailed to the door. Right? It's like, oh, God. Like, none of us would be comfortable with that. We'd all be like

squeamers. and grossed out, but yet somehow we're super comfortable with the idea of our skeletal system, our bone structure, our internal, you know, our infrastructure, I guess you'd call it. And people don't really give it a second thought about what it is, I don't think. So it's kind of creepy like, yeah, that's a skull. that's where your eyes sit and your tongue sits in the mouth and those teeth chew the food and that hole in the middle is where your nose once grew

and those empty orbs is where your eyeballs sat and all your flesh hung on that all the meat and tissue hung on those bones but there's this disconnect there's this kind of like we don't see it as morbid or inappropriate It's kind of interesting. And then another thing that happened this year at Halloween, there was a great big flap about Halloween costumes.

And it's driving me nuts, man, this political correctness stuff. There was a story circulating that I saw on a couple of news outlets where some people, I guess, pottery barn, the furniture store, I don't know why they're selling Halloween costumes, I guess a couple of the costumes they had. One was a Japanese sushi chef, and one was a Japanese Komodo. And I guess the Japanese community went on the offensive and filed a lawsuit against pottery barn saying it was racist. And I'm like, what the hell?

And you're probably going, well, Harlan, you're not Japanese, you can't know. But I'm like, come on, man. A sushi chef is an occupation, okay? Sushi chefs stand behind a counter and carve up sushi. And it's a food that comes from Japan, its origins are from Japan. Almost every sushi restaurant you will go to, at least an authentic one, is Japanese-themed, is run and owned by Japanese.

or has some kind of Japanese affiliation, the decorum's Japanese, the, I mean, for God's sakes, the menus are in Japanese and English. And then the Komodo is just a traditional piece of, you know, I don't know the history of the Komodo, but it's a beautiful garment. And people are all up in arms about it. A lawsuit, really?

Like, that's like if, if me or you went out, you know, in a, like as a Denny chef with the big high hat and a white robe and who the hell cares. And if I have any Japanese listeners, I'm happy to hear from you, man. I just can't believe you'd be that overly sensitive. Because to me, if nothing else, it's celebrating your culture. It's acknowledging part of the Japanese culture. It's acknowledging the fashion. It's acknowledging a type of food.

that takes quite a bit of skill to prepare. It's a unique food. It's a delicious food. I think people hold sushi chefs in high regard. There's kind of a mystique about a sushi chef. Try saying that three times. And I don't, you know, you know what's more offensive than the Japanese culture being upset about it? Here's what's really offensive.

It's, I take offense that the Japanese people are thinking that I would dress up in any type of Japanese costume to denigrate them as a people. That I would, I would intentionally go out and go, you know what, I'm going to go get me a sushi costume and I'm going to show those Japanese what losers they are. I'm going to drag those Japanese down in the mud where they belong. I'm going to denigrate them. I'm going to spit on their grave. Because that's basically what they're saying. They're saying that people with innocent intentions, people who don't have a racist bone in their body,

are dressing up in a costume that comes from the Japanese workforce. So what if I dressed up as a Japanese bus driver, a Japanese waiter, or... Here's another one. I believe they went nuts over the Geisha girl thing. And I'll be honest, I hope I don't upset anyone. I can't remember if Geisha girls are Chinese or Japanese. I think they're Japanese. But regardless, you know, why are people so upset with this stuff?

You know, I don't know that anyone dresses up in any American-themed outfit and anyone gets upset. And talk about, you know, having the Japanese costumes, the Komodo and the sushi chef, look, you're integrated in American society. If you want to be integrated in an American society, If you want us to celebrate and assimilate and absorb your traditions, your fashions, your culture to a degree, then that's part of the mix, man. If you're going to be part of this culture, then let us be part of your culture.

What if a Japanese kid dresses up as a sushi chef? Is that okay? but you're telling me the white kid or the black kid or the Latino kid isn't allowed to do it? What the hell is that meat? What's that all about? And then I think there was also some flap where I also saw a story where the sushi chef that had a bandana on and it had the symbol for the Japanese flag on it. Yeah?

That's part of your history. It's a Japanese food. It comes from Japanese heritage. But throwing lawsuits and I don't know. And maybe I'm being insensitive. Maybe I'm not seeing the Japanese side. But I'm just going off the surface, man. I think it's crazy.

And going to our culture now, apparently there's a university in the U.S., I forget which one, that outlawed cowboy costumes. Cowboy costumes and redneck costumes. You couldn't even dress up like your own people. Let me tell you something. Let me tell the powers the be, because I know they listen to this podcast. People at Halloween don't dress up to denigrate and make fun of and mock other cultures and civilizations and races.

They don't do that. People don't put costumes on to be malicious and go, Hey, look at me. I'm a dirty Japanese. I'm an East Indian guy. I'm a cowboy. I'm a dumb, dumb-ass redneck. Nobody does that for that, unless you're at a Ku Klux Klan Halloween party.

Everyone else does it just to have fun. It's just an expression. It's to be goofy. It's to be silly. It's to step into an alternate reality. It's to dress up as something. that they probably don't put that much thought into. But for everyone to sit around and think that this is intentional slander

and mean-spirited, boy, oh, boy, you're taking away the fun of Halloween. I think the whole idea is to let Japanese kids dress up as American cowboys and American kids to dress up like a sushi chef. And back and forth, it's a give and take. It's for kids. It's for fun. They don't attach all. this bullshit to it, man.

Can you leave it alone for the kids? Because guess what? It's you adults that are attaching all this racial crap. How about we leave it for the kids and let them dress up however they want? Because they don't see all that stuff. They're just out to have fun. So lighten up, man. Lighten up.

Boy, I'm getting all steamed up, Roger. Huh? No, I said, why are you waving at me through the glass? What do you, who? Oh, Harlan. It's Roger. Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. What?

What is, I'm doing a podcast. What does he want? Oh, for crying out loud. Oh, doesn't this guy have anything better to do? All right, put him through. Hello. Hello, Harlan. Hello, what's going on?

Well, I just thought I'd give you a little wringle from the United Kingdom and give you a call over there in the United States of America. What? I'm giving you a call from the United Kingdom. Right. To the United States of America. The United States of America. That's what I said, Arlen, maybe you've got a little bit of wax in your ears.

Okay, what do you want? Well, I just called because I wanted to tell you what a wrong. Wonderful, wicked Halloween I had, mate. Okay, you had a good Halloween, yeah. Well, you don't have to sound so bloody depressed. Why, you just, like, stand out on the ledge of your building and flip and jump off and land on top of a freaking bus. You know what? I don't sound depressed.

I'm just, I don't know why you call me. Well, maybe because we're friends all, and you ever hear about that before? Friendship. Yes, I have, George All right, you know what? It's George Michael. Okay, that's me full name.

George fucking Michael. All right, no F-bombs, or I'm hanging up. All right, up on you, you dirty little monkey. Okay, what do you want? Well, I went out for Halloween, Ireland. Yeah, you said that. And you'll never get what I dressed at. What?

I said you'll never. I get what I'd get up at. I don't understand your British accent. What hell is wrong with you? I said you'll never get what I'd get up at. I'll never guess what you were dressed up as. Uh, hello, that's what I've been saying for the last fucking three and a half hours, you fucking cranberry crumpet.

Okay, no more swearing, okay, Michael. It's George Michael, you son of a fucking piece of God. The garbage rolling down the fighting street in fighting war-torn Afghanistan, all right? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes.

The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your... privacy is a priority.

Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off,

one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, you know what? Nobody calls me a piece garbage rolling down the street and war-torn Afghanistan. I said war-torn Afghanistan, not war, whatever you said. All right, you know what, George? It's George fucking Michael. Let me fucking stand it out for you like you're one of the fighting Muppets, except you're from the retarded part of Sesame Street.

You hear me? What are you saying? I'm saying the Sesame Street. right? Yes. And then there's a little special area of Sesame Street, Ireland, where the fucking retarded puppets live. What are you getting at?

I'm saying if you can't say my name, George Michael, then you've got to be one hell of a fucking retarded, fucking Muppet on fucking Sesame Street. You fucking got me, mate. Okay, stop the pronunciation. Anunciations and the enunciations, and stop swearing. Fuck you, Muppet. I'm not a Muppet.

Then say my name right. Come on, I dare you. Just say it. George Michael. George Michael. Well, was that so bloody odd? No, it wasn't George. George Michael, you mother!

I'm going to go to the fighting deli. I'm going to get a tongue-futting sandwich, and I'm going to French kiss your dirty little pucker hole. My what? Your little dirty pucker hole. Okay, you know what? Why have you phoned here? I told you I went out to an Halloween party, Arland.

Okay, whoopi-doo. You dressed up in a nice disguise. What the hell was it? You'll never get what that was. What? I said you'll never guess what my costume was you. what was it and hurry up i went out dressed as michael george arlin what that's right i took my name george michael right and i called myself michael george and i put me pants on my head and my shirt

on my legs and i put my shoes on my hands and i put my gloves on my feet okay and i'm I'm the retarded Muppet. Okay, you know what? I don't need to hear that from you, okay? What you are, is that, by the way, what, did you go out as Halloween as, Arlen? Well, I went out something kind of close to what you did. Oh, really? What?

I went out as Michael. It's George Michael. You call it. I'm going to come over to your fucking flat. I'm going to start up a chainsaw. I'm going to cut your legs off and cut your legs off. and kick your own fat ass. Okay, you know what?

I got to go, Michael. It's God's Michael. I'm going to come over there. I'm going to chop your building down and drop it on your mother's forehead. I've got to go. Thanks for calling. You're insane.

I'm not finished yet, Arland. I want to tell you what I did. Trick-a-Tree. Smell my feet. Smell my British feet, that is. Goodbye. Tick-a-tree. Smell my British feet.

Goodbye. Bye, chik-a-trade. Goodbye! Good Lord. I think he hung up. Oh, gee, you think so, Roger? Thanks a lot. Thanks for putting them through here, melonhead.

Sorry, I can't hear you. Your headphones are... Something wrong with your mic. Hello? Hello? Hey, how's it going? I hope your day is going good. Just a quick random question just hit my head.

hit it hard really painful I need to ice now but I was just wondering quick from rapid fire questions did you ever skip school and get caught or where'd you go if you didn't skip school when you're younger

I don't think you're in school now what was the coolest band you ever met and who was your first crush and did you ever get the guts to say hi or ask the girl out So love the podcast.

I hope your week's going well. Take care, man. Bye. Chad from Madison. Bye. Wow. Okay. Thanks, Chad from Madison.

Interesting. Started off saying, I just want to ask a quick question, and then you like, it's like a cluster bomb. It's like the bomb went off and then like a whole bunch of other bombs came out and suddenly like three questions. But that's okay, man. I can handle the weight. I'll take anything after getting a call from George Michael. God. Yes, I did use to skip school.

And here's what I used to do, man. I used to skip school. And I did a couple of things that you might find interesting. One of the things I did when I first started skipping school, this was in around probably around grade 11, I think, or grade, yeah, probably around grade 11 or 12. And I was at that age where I started one. wondering what's my life going to be like like what's the worst it could be what's the best it could

be could i be rich could i be poor do i want to answer to the man do i want to do i want to do i want to go to a cubicle every day do i want to be my own person and i thought what's the low end of not having any responsibility and i thought well it's probably to be homeless and part of me was like what a grandiose thing like to be homeless you don't have a mortgage you don't have a mortgage you don't have to answer to anybody you don't have to be responsible you don't have to work you don't have to show up you don't have to be on time you don't have to wake up early and go to bed at any time you can eat whatever you want do whatever you want and so believe it or not i started to explore these themes and one of the things when i first ran away from school i would go to downtown

Toronto, and there was one main street called Young Street that ran right through the city, and that was like the street. That was like the Times Square, but it was a long street. It's actually technically, I think, the longest street in the world. It starts at the shores of Lake Ontario and goes all the way up through Ontario and eventually becomes the transcontinental highway, I believe, and goes all the way over to the Pacific Ocean. And I think in the Guinness Book of Records, it might be the long. longest road in the world. It was at one point, but there's just like this one mile stretch that was kind of like the Times Square, the downtown.

And what I first used to do when I skip school is I used to go down and I would find homeless guys and I would walk near them and I'd stand near them and I'd sit near them on a bench and just kind of listen to them, ranting and watch them and observe them and see what they were wearing. And I remember I'd look for them in fast food restaurants and I'd go sit at the table with them. And I wouldn't talk to them. I just wanted to watch.

I just want to observe and go, could I do this? Is being homeless the freest thing ever? Have these guys figured out how to buck the system, how to beat it? Everyone's scurrying around like a rat trying to make a dollar and get the white picket fence. And these guys are like, whatever, give me a free bowl of soup. I'm going to lay on a bench and grab a tan. Yeah, that's right.

I'm going to eat a bag of chips with no pants in the subway. I'm free, man. But then what I started learning, and remember, I'm a naive kid. I don't know the ways of the world yet, so I'm not trying to be, I'm not at any way trying to be condescending to homeless people or anything like that.

I was actually really curious. This was a sincere experiment I did. and I would sit with them and eventually as I did that I started to realize that the ramblings were incoherent and and scatological and and I realized they were filled with pain. I remember hearing a guy screaming at the top of his lungs about how his wife ruined his life and I heard other people, a guy's just mumbling and talking to themselves and I remember sitting in a guy with a guy with a beard and, and dirty clothes that were black as night, and his skin almost matched, and he was just, you know, the smell of urine,

and he was mumbling to himself, and he was dirty, and I was just like, wow, on one level, this is primal. This is like nomadic. This is like cavemanish, but I realized it was a painful existence and a heart existence and a dangerous existence, and probably at the end of the day, outside of the freedom,

it might not be rewarding because, you know, you're not really doing anything. You're just kind of there. And I realized it probably wasn't a lot of these people's faults. A lot of them were victims of circumstance or had a bad, took a wrong turn in life or got addicted. And so I really kind of did a hands-on exploration of the homeless world. and it was both fascinating and also sad and interesting and revealing. And I'm not even joking.

I really considered, because I love freedom. I mean, we live in America, and it's like a land of the free. But you're not really free. You pay everything you make, you have to register with the government. You've got to register your car. You've got to register for health care. You got to, I mean, everything you do, you're signing up, and someone's watching you. But a homeless guy has no attachments.

They're just nomads. They're free. I mean, they circulate among us, us rats, us sheep that have been sucked into the system. And I thought, maybe that's what I want. But then I realized it wasn't easy, and it, I don't know. It was, it was painful. And I thought, well, I still want to have my freedom, but, you know, I don't want to be locked down in a world that I didn't create. I don't want to be a victim of the boundaries and the parameters that the rest of society built up.

How do I function within this society successfully, but on my own terms? And that's probably what brought me to doing stand-up comedy because I was like, I can be my own. boss. I can travel the world. I can meet people. I can make good money. I don't really have to answer to anyone but me and blah, blah, blah. So that was a good lesson for me. And I don't know where I got the insight to do that. But I think it was just, even at an early age, I recognized deeply the need for individualism and true freedom and being in control of your life because you're only here once and you want it to matter and you you want to feel like you're living your life and not by someone else's rules and of course I have a social security number and

a driver's license and I'm I'm part of all the things that we have to have I'm not saying I'm just a nomad but at the same time I feel like I've been able to create a bit of a free life within the system and then the second part to that question is once I kind of figured that out somehow I realized I started skipping school I realized I was starting to have a fascination with the movies which again was another world that was kind of a false world it was a it was a it wasn't a true reality it was a a world up on the screen but then I started skipping school and going to the movies by myself I'd go back downtown to the same area and I ended up going to matinees and I'd sit in a dark thing

eater with the popcorn and just my eyes all lit up and I'd be entranced. I'd be, I'd marvel at the imagery on the screen and the stories being told and the fantasy element. And it was there without even really being conscious of it, without even, I mean, I was conscious of it, but without even like having an agenda, something popped into me spiritually and just said, Harland, you're going be up there one day. And if I could be my other voice, I'd be like, what are you talking about? I don't know, Arland. You're going to be up on that giant screen one day.

And I said, come on, what do you talk? No, I'm not. And then my inner voice would be, yeah, you're going to be up there. I don't know how. I don't know why. You're just going to be up there. And it was at that moment that I believed that voice. I really truly believed that inner voice because I didn't know where it came from.

It was as if someone else was talking to me. And that voice turned out to be true, and that voice did lead me to the movies. And I did end up on the big screen. And so maybe the best education I ever got was the day I skipped school. You know what I mean? It's like had I not skip school and taken that time to be alone and reflect and understand myself in soul search

and let myself be in a space where I could hear those voices, maybe I might have been misdirected in life and maybe I would have had a life that I wasn't happy with or maybe I would have felt too much of the pressure and the guilt of the institution of education and it would have pushed me into being something I really didn't want to be. and not to say any other occupation isn't valid and great it is

but what if I hadn't skipped school and been a bad boy and taken that time maybe I would have been a doctor or marine biologists and who knows you can't question your path maybe had I been a doctor I would have been the guy that found the cure for cancer or age or something you don't know but I think in life if you hear an inner voice that's a strong thing and I don't know You know, I've talked to a lot of people over the course of my life, but not everybody hears an inner voice.

And I think if you're fortunate enough to hear an inner voice, I think, you know, hopefully that inner voice is strong enough that you follow it. I can tell you my cousin, Kevin, is maybe one of the only other guys I have known in my life who shared the same experience with me. My cousin Kevin went on to be a really great musician. he's in a band called the Bare Naked Ladies and he does his own solo work and he worked with Lou Reed

as band's band leader in the last years of his life and I remember me and Kevin going for a walk one day and and revealing this kind of inner voice experience we had had and I'd never shared it with anyone else before and the only reason I shared it with Kevin

is because we were so close and when he told me he'd felt the same thing, I was like, holy smokes, man, you're the first guy that I've ever heard this from. And lo and behold, Kevin went on to really have an impactful and strong career in the music industry, and I went on to do my stuff in the comedy world on TV and movies. And so there you go. And that's long-winded.

You know what? Maybe you should have stuck to one answer. this is too long there's people probably going God I wish he just became a doctor and is at work right now and we're going to have to listen to this damn podcast when does he shut up

so here's what I'm going to do my friend I'm going to hold over your other two questions and I'm going to answer them on the next podcast I know you have two more you asked me about my first crush and I think the other one was like

how many people have you killed or something? So I'm going to carry those questions over to the next podcast because we're running out of time here. And I appreciate the call, and we'll pick it up right on the next episode. So there you go. Yes, there you go. So let's do a few little announcements for y'all.

If you want to see me live doing stand-up comedy, check me out in Tampa, Florida, at the Improv. I'll be there November 7th through the 10th. Great club. Get your tickets at harlomwelliams.com. Just click on the comedy tour link, and you can order your tickets online. Or if you live on the West Coast, I will be in Seattle, Washington, at the parlor live, November 21st to the 23rd. That's Thursday through Saturday. Also, while you're on the site, check out the store.

We have some great new gift items. We have the Magic F-Off shirt, which is a blast. Videos, artwork, CDs, music, all that fun stuff. What else? What else? Subscribe to the YouTube channel while you're there, and you'll be able to see Wacky Films. Wacky videos.

And, yeah, man, check out my new sitcom. If you're up in Canada, please check out package deal. Plays coast to coast on Mondays. Although they might have moved it to Thursdays. But check your local listings for that. Vantastiche. And that's it, man. Go to All Things Comedy.

That's a podcast network. that you can find this podcast and other great podcasts. And there you go. We got to check out because it's chicken chowmaine time, baby. Until next time, chicken chow main, baby.