The Harland Highway - 529 - CINNAMON BOY returns, monkey kidnappings too.

Episode Date: November 14, 2013

Sadly Cinnamon Boy comes to the studio today, ugggg, also there's been a critter kidnapping, Obamacare rollout failure, and Halloween madness. Phone my bone!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Come fly away with me or just listen to me on the Harland Highway. Welcome everybody to the Harland Highway podcast. I'm your host, Harland Williams, here today with you. And a great show. We're going to take a phone call from one of the pavement pounders who's asking me what I thought of the old healthcare rollout. A bit of a serious topic. I'm going to be chiming in on that. Also, a crime has been committed.

Somebody has stolen somebody's hairy beast. Wait, do you hear about this unbelievable story? Just a crazy kidnapping of the most primate kind. You won't believe it. Also, I'm going to be telling you a little about my Halloween party. I forgot to mention my night out, stepping out on the town for Halloween. quite an extraordinary affair and then

I think there's an unwanted visitor coming to the studio today he hasn't been around in a while because I've been trying to block him on all levels but rumor has it that Cinnamon Boy might be by the studio today I certainly hope not

I can't stand that freak but I do love the Harland Highway as to you here it is the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway

Hey-oh And there's glasses I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy Many many many

Fucking years of therapy I will kill you Listen late brain Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Okay, can we stop with all the racism, please?

I'm sorry. I'm just sick and tired of it. All the stereotypes out there against all of us. I am so tired of people going on and on. about what great drivers the Asians are, okay? We get it. Fine. I'm tired of hearing white people can't dance.

You know how much that hurts? You know how much that hurts me in my core? And if I hear one more person go on about black people, black men, and that racial stereotypes, about their little teeny tiny penises. I'm going to freak. Okay?

And how about the racial stereotype? The Dutch people pulling the covers over us and farting all over us in bed? Horrible. And the Latinos? How cruel can people be saying things like Yeah, Latinos don't know how to fill up the back of a pickup truck with way too much gardening equipment. You know what, they can. I've seen it. Leave them alone.

How dare you say the Latinos can't overstuff the back end of a pickup truck with leaf blowers and rakes and way too much stuff so that it's almost falling out the back and crashing all over the road? How dare you, racists? Anyways, there you go. That's my rant. Isn't it funny? All the racist stuff out there, though? And then the big one about white people is that they can't dance.

I don't know that that one hurts that much. But do any of them hurt that much? I don't know. I guess so. But that's the thing. If you feel like it hurts, just remember every race has something up against them. You know, Jewish people are cheap. We know that one.

German people have no sense of humor. You know, just goes on and on and on. Everybody's got them. So it's almost like if someone says something racist against you, just turn it back around on them and attack their own culture. So there you go. Just got to get that off my chair. chest right away.

Let me tell you about my, speaking of races, I think I saw a whole new species of races. I forgot to mention to you guys on Halloween a few weeks ago. I forgot to tell you about the wacky party I went to, man. I went to this crazy Halloween party. I went to Chinatown. And I went to some nightclub that, was playing 80s music.

A bunch of us rented like a giant stretch limo. There was like 16 or 17 of us stuffed into this thing. Hilarious. Pound in the music. There were drinks and other things going on inside. It was a good mix of guys and gals. And we roll up to this nightclub in Chinatown. A buddy of mine found it.

and it was they're playing all 80s music which I love and uh I got in there and I had a few drinks and I don't know who knows what was going on and it was like stepping into a David Lynch movie man I mean I would just laughing all night that's the beauty of Halloween I saw I saw a giant gremlin a guy in a full grown like gremlin costume there's another guy who

had an inflatable, kind of like those things you see out in front of the car lots, you know, the big blow-up like gorillas and the big blow-up balloons that they put on the roof of car dealerships and stuff. Well, this guy had a blow-up version of that, but it went from his waist up over his head, and it went about like four feet over his head, and he had a little blower on a motor that he put in his pocket, and it was his giant reindeer head with antlers. He was out on the dance floor dancing the 80s tunes, and he was dancing with the Gremlin,

and then I saw a guy with a cookie monster thing on, and he was eating chips-away cookies, and he was drinking cans of beer. There was a guy with a TV around his head, and his face was made up like Max Headroom, that iconic character from MTV, in the 80s there were

people dressed up as zombies there was ballerinas there was people in wrestling mass there was ghost rider I mean it just went on and on and that was the beauty of it man you just you just seeing people dance around with each other

and it's just so twisted it's like being in a dream or a fantasy or a fairy tale there was a giant teddy bear dancing around and when people aren't dancing they're just kind of standing there and they it's just it's really bizarre and twisted and it's like oh it's like being in some kind of weird freaky experimental student film or something so that was a good time i forgot to mention that uh you know the last couple of podcasts i had to let you guys know that it was sweet so anyways there you go i hope you had a good halloween um i'm a little behind

delivering that news i guess but uh let's uh let's get caught up on some fresh news how about some weird news the harland highway crazy news story that's weird stuff Okay, here we go. I think this qualifies as really weird and crazy. Here's the headline, and I think this says it all. Man pepper sprays woman steals her monkey. Oh, man.

How does this stuff happen? Man, pepper sprays woman steals her monkey, and you're probably thinking, had happened in South America. Wrong. Happened in Colorado. Apparently the police are seeking a man who allegedly pepper sprayed a woman in the face and then stole her pet monkey.

Oh, my God. Can you believe it? Who would go to the trouble to do that? He didn't go for her purse. He didn't steal her car keys. Oh, no, no, no. He needed his hands on a monkey. I don't need money.

I don't need a nice car. You know what I need? Uh-huh. I need a monkey. So apparently this woman traveled from Missouri to Colorado to sell her black cap capuchin monkey. I don't know what a capuchin monkey is. If you look it up, they're cute as all hell. I might even pepper spray someone for a capuchin monkey.

I might throw an axe at someone for a capuchin monkey. So this woman met the suspect on Monday in the parking lot of a La Quinta Inn motel with her primate in a carrier. Okay, first of all, gang, let's just make something clear out of the gate. If you're doing any type of transaction, you're meeting a stranger. from online just the words parking lot and transaction don't go together well

I don't think you ever want to meet anyone you don't know that you just kind of have been corresponding with online in a parking lot yeah I'm selling my diamond engagement ring I've fallen on hard times and I need some money to pay for my house and send my kids to school

What's that? Oh, you'd like to meet me in a parking lot at a mall somewhere? Okay, I'll meet you in a parking lot where you can jump in your car and speed away real quickly and no one can see us. Don't be an idiot. If you're listening, don't sell your monkey in a parking lot. What are you nuts?

This won't turn out good for your monkey. So she meets the guy in a parking lot. lot and a La Quenta of all places. So that tells you right away, the guy probably doesn't have money. If he's staying at the La Quenta, if you're going to meet a guy at the Ritz Carlton in that parking lot to sell a monkey, okay, I think it's safe to say the guy staying at the hotel has some money. You go and meet a guy in the Motel 6 parking lot with your money.

Yeah, maybe you deserve to be with your monkey. You deserve to be pepper-sprayed. So he meets her in the parking lot with her carrier. The little monkey's in the carrier. The man whips out the pepper spray, sprays the woman in the face, grab the monkey in the carrier, and fled the scene on foot. Isn't that sad? The guy didn't even jump in a car.

He just ran away with the monkey. monkey it's like that that nursery run the dish ran away with the spoon the lequenta guy ran away with the capuchio monkey whatever it is um so yeah it says this this woman uh had communicated with this man online in text messages phone calls uh the woman's injuries were not considered life threatening. And here's the kicker. It's illegal to own a primate in the state of Colorado. The woman has not been charged with the crime.

The suspect, however, faces charges of robbery, theft, and assault. Excuse me, how about kidnapping? How about Capuchin kidnapping? Yeah. So there you go. Just words to the wise. Do not sell your monkeys in a cheap hotel parking lot, period. Hello?

Hello. This is Derek in North Dakota. Do you remember me, Mr. North Dakota? Just wondering how you felt about the government. restarting and how basically nothing changed other than now we're forced to get health care and also that the supposed health care website was crashed for three days what do you think Harlan. Oh, boy. Are you purposely trying to make me get serious here on this comedy podcast? Oh, boy. Well, hey, you asked. So, you know what? I think it's shameful. I think it's a debacle. I think it's pathetic. And right now I'm just referring to the rollout of the website. The fact that they had three and a half years.

to do it. The fact that this was President Obama's historic centerpiece. This is probably the thing he will be remembered for the most outside of getting Osama bin Laden.

It's his baby. This was his baby. This was his tent pole you know, piece of legislation, his tent pole policy. his tent pole project and to have three and a half years to put it together

knowing you have to roll it out to the entire country and to release a website that from what I understand was using like technology that they used to build websites, you know, in the 90s Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly. for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away.

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. It's just ridiculous. And even if it wasn't stuff they used in the 90s, even if it was stuff they used today and they didn't get it to work, it's ridiculous. Can you imagine being the United States government

having an endless amount of financial resources having an endless amount of human resources having three and a half years to put up a site and it just belly flops it does nothing it's just I don't know

I can't believe that nobody tested it I can't believe that President Obama didn't go in and sit down and go, show me this thing. Show me this thing from top to bottom. I want to see 200 people do a test run on this thing. I want 200 people from the government to do a mock test run and sign up for this thing. Show it to me.

It doesn't seem like anybody did that. And it's just shameful. It makes me sad that the citizens of this country have to pay for that kind of lackless approach to things. And I'm just talking about the website, the technical aspect of the website. I will get into the aspects of health care after. But right now I'm just talking about the technology.

It's just ridiculous. It's shameful. And the fact that we now may have to go in and pay for it again to have it repaired is also just, just as pathetic. I mean, when we live in an age where everyone in their uncle can put up functioning websites to sell merchandise, to connect people, to book airlines, to book hotels, to do your taxes, to do your shopping, to do anything online now.

You have people who bake short brand cookies and have a website. that works, and people click on it, they make an order, and their order goes through, and their cookies get sent to them. Okay, do you think airlines have it easy? You think United Airlines and American Airlines and all the airlines all over the world have it easy, building an intricate website where you have to do flight check-ins and scheduling and purchasing and all that stuff? How about eBay? Can you imagine how intricate eBay is or Amazon.com or Google or Apple.com? How about just a hotel chain trying to keep all their reservations together?

But they do it, and I bet they do it in less than a year. And they do it professionally, and it functions, and it works, and it not only services the whole country, it services the whole world. And here's these buffoons that they can't get their act together in, you know, three and a half years at half a billion dollars or some crazy price tag that we paid. And by the way, since when does it cost $500 million to throw up a website? I mean, yeah, it's intricate and whatnot, but do you think that American Airlines and eBay, do you think their websites cost $500 million?

Maybe they did. I don't know. You're talking about a bunch of people in a room sitting at desks, creating interface, creating a website. I mean, it seems to be most people can create a website in a very basic form on their home computer. So if you've got 30 guys sitting in a room trying to make one that has, you know, national reach,

does it really take half a billion dollars to do that? I don't buy it, man. I'm guessing that if that website was built privately, it costs like a million dollars. $500 million? $500 million? Ridiculous. So there you go.

Those are my thoughts about the website. Just shameful and pathetic and horrible. Now let's get to what the website is supposed to do. Healthcare. Affordable or in some case, is free health care. Well, how do you sit here as a human being and go, I don't support affordable and free health care?

How do you sit there as a human being and say, oh, I don't, I think some people should get it and other people can't? Okay, so that's that one, you know, it's like you want to see everybody get covered. You want to see everybody, let's face it, who of us gets sick and doesn't want help? We all do. everyone should have that and that that's a great thing that's the great thing about a health care plan but but then you got to get to how does it work how does it function how was it put together

and i just don't know that this was done real well i think most of you know you've seen on the news that the obamacare health plan act is is something like i think it's something like 1,800 pages or more and they guesstimate that practically no one in Congress has even read it including President Obama has read it

top to bottom. Now, I can't say for sure whether they have or not, but that's what you hear on the news and it kind of seems logical. I mean, I can't imagine these guys taking the time to sit down and read 1,500 pages of

technical medical jargon, insurance jargon. But that in itself just tells you that it's a bit shameful. I mean, can you imagine putting into law something that no one's even read? Like when you hook up your TV, your brand new TV, or you install a new program in your computer, or hook up anything in your house. Do you do not read the manual? Do you not read the instructions?

Do you just fumble around and guess? No. So that whole thing's a bit sketchy. And then it also seems a bit sketchy about, you know, I'm seeing all this stuff on the news now about people's health care going up and people having huge deductibles and a certain sector

of society. It looks like the middle class. People that make between 60 and 100 grand a year are getting tweaked for most of having to foot this thing. Again, I don't have all the facts. I'm going off a jumble of news stories and articles that I've read. And then you've got to go, how reliable are those? So my final assessment is, because you asked, what a shame the way they rolled it out. Now, the good news is it's just technology. It can be fixed. It's a glitch.

It's a huge glitch. It should have happened. I'm sure President Obama is completely embarrassed. But that stuff can be fixed. So, okay, we suffer through it a bit longer, and it gets fixed. I hope we don't have to pay for it a second time. And then the health care issue on its own, like I said, you know, you don't want to see people suffer. I just wish it was done in a way that everyone understood it.

It was more clear cut. It was easier to manipulate and maneuver through. And, you know, the final thing I'll say is I don't know how I feel about being forced to buy something. to being forced to buy health insurance. That one's, I think, a little weird. I think that's a little unsettling for a lot of people, to be forced to buy a certain type of health care and then be fined for it if they don't.

So there's a lot of things going on. I'm not picking a political side. I'm not going to hammer Obama, and I'm not going to praise the other side. It's a touchy issue. It's an issue that delves right to the human bone. It's about living and having a better life. And at least, at least, at the very least, Obama was at least able to move the needle

and take health care to a new level where for decades it's just been sitting and you can tell it's just been a political, you know, issue that comes up. at debates, but no one ever really tried to get anything done about it. It was one of those talking points where, you know, during the debates, well, I propose new health care for every American should have health care. You know, they all did it, just like they do with all their talking points, and then they never follow through.

But at least Obama tried to make something happen here, which you've got to give them kudos for. I just think it's been sloppy and could have been done a lot better but I guess everything starts somewhere. So I'm not thrilled, but I'm not going to be a jerk and say, oh, it sucks and get rid of Obama. I think you've got to let things like this play out

and over time all the negatives hopefully fade away and hopefully all the good things that should come from this surface and become a way of life. Now, as far as the government shutting down, I did a whole podcast about that a few back where I talked about it. Again, shameful, ridiculous,

a bunch of kids, immature, morons that, you know, hold the fate of our futures of our country in their hands and they're acting like little kids fighting in the schoolyard. It's, it's, we deserve, we deserve way better. Let's, let's leave it there. And there you go. How about that?

I don't think I can leave the show on such a serious note, so I'm going to find something fun and silly to go. But good question. Thank you for asking. I mean, it's an interesting story. It's no, you know, pepper sprayed in the face to steal a monkey. But, uh, nonetheless, you know, I try to, I try to, uh, take, your phone calls and deal with them, whether they're silly or serious.

And there you go. There's my two cents for what it's worth. But let's end on something a little more fun. Wait a minute. Who's that? Roger, who's here? I don't know. I'm not expecting anyone.

You want me to call security? Well, don't let them just walk in. Who is it? Hi, I'm cinnamon boy. And I love cinnamon. Oh, God. What are you doing here, kid? I'm here to talk about cinnamon.

Well, I don't want to talk about cinnamon. Well, I do. I heard you talking about the government health care plan. So, what do you know about it? Well, I know quite a bit. Thank you very much, kindly. Thank you, sir. Oh, brother.

What in the world do you know about any type of medical, procedure or healing. I know that if anyone gets sick. Yeah. They should cover themselves with cinnamon! Because I'm cinnamon boy! And I love cinnamon! Stop it!

You're not going to go off on a cinnamon rant. Okay? Oh, yes, I am. No, you're not. I was talking about Obamacare. Don't you mean cinnamon care? What? Cinnamon.

Care. Because I'm cinnamon boy. And I love cinnamon! Stop yelling, kid! There's no such thing as cinnamon care. Yes, there is. No, there's not... God! With cinnamon care, you never need anesthesia.

What? Anesthesia. Oh, God. And why's that, kid? Because we'll put cinnamon up your nose and you'll be like in cinnamon heaven. Well, they cut your stomach open or deliver a baby Or remove a tumor We'll stuff all kinds of cinnamon up your nose

Because I'm cinnamon boy And I love cinnamon! Stop it! I can't even believe it. Roger, get them out of here. There's no such thing as cinnamon care. You don't know anything about medical practice. You don't know anything about anything. Oh, yes, I do.

Oh, yeah, what? I know all about cinnamon! Because I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I'm going to perform surgery on your bumpy, pimpled up. Pineapple skinned face. Get out of here. You're going under the knife. The cinnamon knife. Get out.

Roger, get him out. Cinnamon, cinnamon, cinnamon, cinnamon, cinnamon. I'm cinnamon boy. Get out. God. The hell, Roger. Are you serious? The kid comes in here.

I do a whole segment about health care. And you let that idiot in and go off about that cinnamon stuff? Yes, sir. A moron. Unbelievable. If you thought the three-year wait for a website was bad, how about that idiot? I'll make a website, cinnamon.com. Because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon.

Get out! Ow! I slam my fingers in the door. Looks like I'll need cinnamon care. I better go to cinnamon.com because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Get out! Jeez.

You know, I believe I said let's end on something funny, not something mentally deranged. God. A thousand apologies, cinnamon boy. All right, let's wrap it on. here gang um hey if you want to see me live in a cinnamon free stand-up comedy forum please uh come see me in seattle washington on november 21st through the 23rd that's thursday through saturday at the parlor live in uh Seattle washington great club uh great um great venue amazing uh it's

going to be packed get your tickets go to harlan williams.com you can order your tickets online at my website while you're there subscribe to my youtube channel you can catch all my wacky videos uh go to the store while you're there we got t-shirts videos artwork all kinds of fun stuff and uh what else can i tell you um make sure you go visit atcc.com all things comedy That is a podcast network where you can find the Harland Highway, amongst other funny podcasts. And that's it, I think, gang. Check out my sitcom on Canadian television.

If you live in Canada, it's called Packaged Deal. Check your local listings. It's on City TV. And it's super funny. People are really loving it. It's got me, Eugene Levy. Pamela Anderson, really fun show. And that's it.

If you're going to be in the Vancouver area in December, I will be at Yuck Yucks in December on Thursday, December 5th through September 8th, which is a Sunday. Please come and join, have some giggles. And that's it, man. That's all I got for today. Be well. Thanks for chiming in.

Make sure you keep those letters coming to harlo-williams.com. If you want to leave a voicemail, I'm at 323-739-4-3-3-0. And that's it. Until next time, everybody, chicken chal-main, baby. Don't you mean cinnamon? Get out! Thank you. Thank you.