The Harland Highway - 530 - Dr. Debbie Thymer, Life Coach, is here. Nice after death.

Episode Date: November 21, 2013

Live Coach Debbie Thymer takes calls about Obamacare, also, are people treated nicer when they die? Nasal colds and the hell they provide. Fish for a dish!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello, everybody. This is Harlem Williams, and you are on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the most asphalt-filled podcast in the world, because we are the only highway that is a podcast. Great to have you here today. Thanks for joining. Great show today. We are going to be going through, well, I'm not going to be going through it, but Dr. Debbie Timer is here today, and I guess she's going to be fielding some calls about the Obamacare rollout. I guess a lot of people are confused and mystified and Dr. Debbie Timer, life coach, will be on the show to, I guess, walk some callers through

this, as we now know, confusing health care plan for American citizens. Also, we're going to be talking about, dead people. Are we too nice to dead people? I know that sounds kind of mean, but we're going to talk about it. I think dead people

are, it's almost getting to the point where it sounds like dead people are better than living people. And I don't think I like that because I'm a living person so far. So we're going to talk about that and then talking about health. We're going to talk about cold and flu season

that's coming. Oh my God. Get your blanket. Get warm. This is the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway.

Hey-yo. And it's classic. I will find you. My mom always said. You can't handle the truth. Many many years of therapy. Many, many, many. Fucking use of therapy.

I will kill you. Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. All right, I'm going to start the show with a beef. That's right.

Not a corn beef, not a roast beef. Like a beef. Like a little whiny, bea-ish beef. And here it is, and this might anger dead people and living people. but it's kind of something that's been bugging me and I wonder if it bugs you, ladies and snartle flargens, pavement pounders and people alike. Have you ever noticed, and God bless them,

it's always sad when somebody dies, okay? Someone gets hit by a car, someone gets shot in a drive-by, somebody gets stabbed, you know, people die every day. But here's what's kind of irking me is whenever they interview the friends or the family or the neighbor or the passerby, they always say, oh, my, you know, about the victim. They always say, oh, my goodness,

just probably the most wonderful person I've ever met in my life. I mean, what an angel. This person would take the sweater off his or her back to help you. I mean, this person, this person would give you their car, give you the keys to their house if you asked for it. I mean, what an angel. I'm not even sure that this person was of this earth. I mean, I'm pretty sure this person, my neighbor, who I rarely ever talked to,

flew down from a cloud and lived on our street. Just an angel never, I mean, even the smell of their farts was wonderful. I would hear this angel fart across the street and I would run over and kneel down and sniff. Just the most wonderful, giving, life-affirming person and it could have happened to a nicer person. I mean, God! And again, I'm horrified.

I feel bad that anyone dies, and I get it that you want to say nice things about the deceased, but the buildup, it's almost like, wait a minute, who was this person that I didn't know? Who was this guy that worked at the 7-Eleven? Who was this guy that was a gardener? Who was this guy that ran, you know, Macy's? I don't know. But I wish I did.

It sounds like they were from another planet. It sounds like they were their own subspecies of human. This person sounds like the nicest person I've ever heard of in my life. Where do I meet these people? Turns out they're always dying before I get to run into them. I'm sure I loved one of these characters over to my house to clean and whip me up a bun cake and make my bed. Maybe cut my hair, sponge bath me, tuck me in at night. Hell yeah, where do I meet these people that are immaculately perfect?

Good night, Nellie Frittato. Okay, and I get it. I get it that, you know, there's a grieving process. There's a tendency when someone passes away. What are you going to diss them? You're going to say something bad? Oh, yeah, Susan was hit by a car. Oh, man, what a fat pig.

She had it coming, man. You know, if she wasn't eating that burrito, and had the giant big gulp in front of her face, she probably would have seen the truck coming. So I get it. Of course you're going to say nice things. I guess it's just, it's one of these things where if you watch the news enough, you start to see these stories and it's just, you know,

these people are trying to be kind, obviously. People are trying to build up their friend and say how great they were. But you see enough of these stories and you have. start going my goodness there's a lot of like angels out there so if i ever get killed or hit by a truck please you can trash talk me all you want you know yeah well you know harland big goofy nutbag probably someone was probably trying to run over that guy that weren't no accident right there Big goofball, that guy.

Idiot. Full on one of the best morons I've ever met my life. I mean, to talk about a dumbass, this guy, Harlan, oh, my God. Doesn't get any stupider. I mean, that guy was, you want to talk about having a friend that was clued out, and he smelled.

Oh, Harlan smelled like burnt garlic. And out of shape. Oh, my God. I mean, poor guy, too bad he had to die looking the way he did, the clothes he was wearing. No sense of style. Poor guy. Really not good, bad teeth. His hair wasn't doing much.

You know, maybe it's good that he's gone, but what a wonderful idiot. So I get it. You can't say bad things about people, but I guess it's the oversaturation of the compliments and stuff that it's just sticking in my craw. So my apologies to anybody dead. I'm not trying to defame you or cheapen your existence. I guess I just find humor in the big buildup. Maybe what I'm getting to in a big, long, roundabout way is

why don't you tell these people you know how great they are when they're alive? If you've got a friend who you think is so great, go up to them today and say, you know what, Cindy? I know we're not supposed to kind of talk like this. We're not supposed to show emotions. We're not supposed to break the fourth wall. But I just really appreciate it that you're my friend and you're so sensitive and you're caring. And I love it that you're so generous.

And thank you for that. It means a lot in my life. And I want to buy you lunch. I want to try and be as good as you are. I want to give back to you. So there you. you go. Get it all out before there's an accident, before somebody dies. Tell someone you love him. Tell them how great they are. Tell them how fantastic they are. Give him some courage. Courage.

Roof. Roof. Okay. Now I'm just being an idiot and you're probably going, where is he? I do want to run him over. All right. We're out. Be safe out there. Look both ways before you cross the road. And just remember, you're great. Whether you're alive or dead, you're absolutely fabulous. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Well, hello everybody, I'm Dr. Debbie Tymer, your life coach, and I'm here today to walk you through your everyday existence and help find you a more fulfilling place to center your world from. We'll be taking calls today from all over the country, talking to you about things that are important, things that you need.

to find fulfillment in, that you need to find closure in perhaps, that you just need answers. And I'm Dr. Debbie Thimer, and I'm here to help. I am your life coach. So let's go all the way to Dallas, Texas, where we have our first caller. And this is, David, are you on the line? Uh, yes. Hello, Dr. Debbie. Hello, David. How are you today? I'm sorry. I said...

Are you okay, Dr. Debbie? Yes, I just have a little flare up. I'm sorry. Dr. Debbie? Yes, yes, I'm just... Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into you.

your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Dr. Debbie, are you okay? Yeah, sorry. I had a, there was a fly in the studio and it went right in my esophagus. Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. Are you okay, child?

Yes, Dr. Debbie, I am, but I'm a little, I was calling. My goodness. Yes, Dr. Debbie, I know. I'm at. actually not entirely okay okay um what's going on well okay i need you to stop coughing if you could just turn the phone away or cover the phone when you start hacking up mucus i'm sorry dr debby uh it's just that this whole obama okay i need you to stop hacking up mucus. I'm sorry, Dr. Debbie.

It's just this whole Obamacare thing has really got my family and I confused, and we just don't understand it. Okay, well, let's talk about it. The Obamacare health plan has got a lot of people upset and confused and agitated. The rollout hasn't been good. Exactly, Dr. Nebeth.

and I feel like it's really affecting my family, my children, my wife. We've been... What are you doing? I'm just trying to formulate some thoughts, Dr. Debbie. Okay, well, let's not make the stupid noise where it sounds like you're starting an old 1944 Ford. I said, stop that shit. Whoa, okay, thimer.

Uh, look. No, now what's, what do you need to know about Obamacare that you're really not grasping? Well, what, what seems to be, uh, being sold to us, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, stop the fucking coughing. Sorry, Dr. Debbie. Uh, what, what seems to be, uh, being sold to us is a, uh, uh, a bill of goods.

Yes. That says Obamacare is cheap. It's super cheap. And it's going to benefit all of us, all of us as American citizens. And as you know, I'm down here in Dallas, Texas. I run a mechanics garage here. I'm at David's auto parts. Okay.

This isn't a commercial. No, I just thought I'd mention where I work, so you could get your head around the timer. Okay, let's stop calling me Thimer. Okay? I'm Dr. Debbie. I'm your life coach. I'm sorry. I didn't mean any disrespect. Dr. Debbie. Okay. Now, what is it you don't understand about the new Obamacare? Well, Dr. Debbie, what they promised us was a very cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap health affordable. Key word here, Dr. Debbie. Affordable.

Okay, we've got it. Key, K-E-Y, key word. I fucking got it, okay? Stop saying keyword. Okay, whoa, thimer. And stop calling me thymer. It's Dr. Debbie timer. Okay, Dr. Debbie, but anyways, so I've come to the conclusion, Dr. Debbie,

that this health care, Obama care thing, is, is nothing more than a fraud. This thing is a farce, and I just don't believe in it. Okay, and why is that? Well, they said we would get free, affordable health care. And, you know, I thought, well, I might as well cash in on this deal here with my family, Dr. Debbie. So, you know, I called my daughter out to the garage. She's 11 years old, Karen, and she was standing there.

And, you know, I was saying, listen, baby, daddy wants to take advantage of the free health care. I need you to take your shoe off. Okay. I'm not sure I follow. Does she have foot problems? Well, she didn't at that point, Dr. Debbie. Okay. But once she took her shoe off.

that she had a bare foot standing in the garage. Okay. I went ahead and dropped a brick on her foot. I'm sorry? I dropped a cinder block on her foot, and I thought I would just break her foot, but it actually, when I dropped it, it hit her tibia, the bone between the knee and the foot.

Yes, I know. What a tibia is? Okay. Okay. Well, anyways, I snapped her leg. The brick snapped. I did accomplish breaking her foot, Dr. Debbie, but I did snap her leg, too. What are you talking about? Well, I wanted to take advantage of this free health care, and so we got an ambulance out to the house. We got my little daughter rushed to the hospital, and I'll be goddamned. Watch your language, please, sir. I'm sorry, but as you can tell, I'm angry.

We got billed. We got billed for my daughter's broken leg. And here I was under the assumption that this stuff was free, that I could put my kid in a nice American hospital, and she could get a nice, clean bed, an ice cream and television, and she could lay there, and this stuff was free. Because I can't afford to pay for no broken leg. leg, okay?

Okay, sir. I think maybe you might be a fucking idiot. Well, there's more, Dr. Debbie. This may sound ridiculous, but I got my wife, you know, I wanted my old family to get in on this free health care.

I instructed my wife to ram her car into the back of a dump truck, and she did it. Oh, my God, did she do it? I mean, there was glass and metal everywhere, and she got some severe lacerations to her forehead.

Her face has disfigured. One of her eye sockets was crushed. Crushed. It looked like you ever run over a grapefruit in your driveway, Dr. Debbie? Okay. I've never run over a grapefruit. Are you

a fucking idiot, sir? And she snapped a couple of ribs. Her kidney was displaced. So here we go. I'm thinking great. We got Obama. the zone all these injuries free okay who in america doesn't like free okay i'm no different from you or your husband or whoever are you a lesbian dr debby okay you know what sir i think we've heard

just about enough of your fucking anyways uh we got her in the hospital and guess what bingo bingo we got billed this shit wasn't i'm sorry dr neb i shouldn't swear this stuff was not free Okay. Sir, in case you're wondering, the Obama health care isn't free, okay? There are fees associated with the Obama health care plan. It's just lower... Well, I thought I heard the word free, timer. It's timer.

I heard the word free, and, you know, when I poured gasoline in my eyes so that I could get free eye care, I assume free is God-versaken free, okay? How many ways can you spell free? F-R-E-E, that's one, okay? That's one way to spell free. I don't know any other way, Seimer, Dr. Debbie Seimer. Okay, sir, you're really, my best advice to you is you're a fucking idiot, okay? And you need to hang up right now because...

And lastly, Dr. Timer, I'm really pissed about this, but it's me and my wife and my other children. We have a pregnant daughter. She's 22 years old. Carol, wonderful. She works as a travel agent, and she is pregnant. Now, our question is we've been punching her in the stomach, right where the fetus is, and we're wondering, can we get poins? Can we accumulate Obamacare health points?

Kind of like when you have a credit card and you accumulate points. Are you a fucking idiot, sir? Are you telling me you're punching your pregnant daughter in the fetus to try and get health care points? Well, I figured, you know, if we keep racking them up, maybe we can get a free weekend at, you know, Cedarsight, in Los Angeles. We hear that's a wonderful hospital. is wonderful we'd love to spend some time there okay you need to hang up sir hang up immediately you are a fucking idiot okay we don't need to use the language okay i've got gasoline burn on my eyes my my sister's got i don't want to hear any more sir hang up

how hard should i punch my daughter i mean should i give her an upper cut right under the belly button or should i just go boom right between the milk jugs okay Hang up, you fucking idiot. Hang up. I'm not finished timer. We're done here. Hang up. Get him off, Roger.

Get him off. Idiot. Okay, you know what? That was, uh, Rod, we need to take a break. I'm Dr. Debbie Tiber and, um, wow, is he gone? Okay. We'll be back. I'm Dr. Debbie Tiber.

and I am your life coach wow wow I don't think we have time for more dr. Debbie do we roger that well let her know let her know that guy took up most of the time here we don't we don't have time for another dr. Debbie call just let her know we'll do it another day I know she's probably going to be pissed that guy was a bit odd and uh look I don't blame them for not understanding this Obamacare thing. It seems to be confusing the country. People are confused about what they're getting, what they're entitled to, what it costs, how to sign up. Now apparently there's security issues with the website.

People are now concerned about their personal information being easily accessible to hackers. just a bumbling mess. Good Lord. On top of that, Dr. Debbie has to deal with this guy who totally misinterpreted the free health care or the reduced health care, thinking he can accumulate points. What unbelievable.

But anyways, I guess it'll work itself out eventually. It'll either go away or they'll iron out the 23 million bugs that are associated with it. That's pretty crazy. But speaking of health, oh my gosh, cold and flu season is sweeping in. And you forget one of those colds, and these are the worst. Now, you're probably thinking the worst colds are the ones that make you band ridden and you're drowsy and you feel like there's a piano on the back of your neck.

but here's one type of cold that might be one of the worst it's the one where you get like a nasal cold it's all up in your nose and stuff it's all up like in your mucus and stuff and it's one of these colds where you don't physically feel like beat down you still got all your energy you still got all your faculties you're not feverish

it's just your like nasals are like acting up, and they get so plugged up and infected and whatever's going on that you can't smell anything. And it's crazy because you eat, you try to eat food, and yes, in case you haven't figured it out, I'm going through that right now. That's why I'm talking about it. I probably sound a little nasally as I speak. But it's one of these things

I've had it for about four days And I forget what food tastes like I've been to Chipotle I went out for a nice expensive dinner And had some lamb I've tried fast food I've tried McDonald's breakfast And I don't remember what any of it tastes like

I feel all this stuff in my mouth all these food textures meat and cheese and salad and ribs and it's just like it's like i'm chewing on a whole bunch of nothing i might as well be chewing on cardboard i can't taste anything not one thing but it's like i still i think all of us as humans i still love the art i still love the the concept of eating which goes to show me psychologically I learned a lesson here

that there's more to eating mentally to human beings than maybe just the flavor I actually got satisfaction out of the ritual of preparing food or gathering food knowing I was going to sit down and eat it

I enjoyed the motions of picking it up on a fork and putting it in my mouth and chewing it. Isn't that a little strange? Even with the flavor gone, I got pleasure out of eating. And that was something I didn't see coming. I thought that's a little unexpected.

That's a little strange. But it almost seems pointless. It's like, oh, I eat. I can't taste it. But yet, there you go. your body, your mind saying, hey, you got to eat, you got to give me some fuel. I need sustenance, man.

So pretty interesting and pretty torturous. It's like, and then as the infection or the cold dissipate slowly, you get little brushes, little, little tastes of your food. They can be eating and you'll kind of do like a little snort, Like, you're like sniff or you'll, like, clear your nasal passage. And just for a second, for about like three, four seconds, you go, oh, there's that smell. There it is, there it is. Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Look at that. Look at that Big Mac. Oh, you beautiful thing. Oh, you gorgeous, gorgeous thing. Why don't you come on up and see me sometime? But outside of that, you might as well. will just walk around. You know, you ever see a fish when you pull them out of the water and they're laying in

the boat or they're laying on the ground, they're just like gasping, they're gulping, their mouths are going up and down. It's like they're chewing air. That's what you might as well do. You might as well just walk around, you know, chewing air. Just take a big bites of it as you walk down the street. People are like, what the hell is that guy eating? Looks delicious, whatever it is.

Yeah, I'm just eating the air. No point in putting any solid matter in my mouth. Can't taste it. And then here's the real kicker. Oh, my God. If you fart? Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Because let's face you guys, hey, when you fart, usually you get a register, right? There's like a scale of like one to ten. It's like, oh, that's a one. I can't even smell that one. And then you get the mid-level fart. And then you get like the tan. You get like the tsunami fart where it just hangs around.

It's like a cloud. It's like a dirty asparagus-filled cloud that just hovers. And, you know, if you got your smell, your sense of smell, you're like, okay, I better move around the room, or I better walk outside, or I better step away from this fart so no one knows it's me. but when you can't smell the fart you can't gauge it so you can be you can be standing there in your own fart talking to people and they're just looking at you like jesus this guy

stinks man doesn't he have the wherewithal to walk away from his own fart so anyways a lot of things going on when you lose your sense of smell i hope it doesn't happen to you i hope i hope you don't get that cold but i got to tell you I'd probably rather have that cold than the one that just makes you feel like crap and your body aches and you want to stay in bed all day and you've got a fever. I'd rather have the I can't smell nothing cold than the I ain't going to work cold, you know? And who knows? Maybe it's like a cool diet thing.

It's like introducing the new, amazing, pound losing diet, the nasal diet. Yes, we'll send you some bacteria strains, snort them up your nose, and you won't be able to taste food for a month. You'll lose pounds and pounds and pounds off your flubbery ass. Anyways. So there you go. A little health talk there. I guess Dr. Debbie Thimer.

Is it Thimer or timer? I never know. I don't know. I think she says it's thimer, but then sometimes It sounds like she says, timer, I can't tell. I wouldn't want to be her dealing with all this health care stuff. Anyways, laughter is the best medicine at the end of the day, right? So if you're in Seattle, if you're in Seattle tonight, Seattle, Washington, State of Washington on the West Coast,

come to see me at the parlor live. It starts tonight Thursday, November 21st. Straight through to Saturday, November 23rd. One show Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday. It's going to be a great show. Going to be doing stand-up comedy. And then after we finish the stand-up, I bring out my opening act and we do some improv together.

So it's going to be a lot of fun. It's like a double show. It's going to be a great, great time. Get your tickets at parlorive.com. and make sure you get them because it's selling out quickly, ladies and gentlemen. So that's going to be fun. And then don't forget to visit harlough williams.com

where you can write me at harloweems.wilms.com or you can leave me a phone message at 323-739-4330. You might get your voice message on the podcast. Won't that be a Christmas treat? And when you're at Harlow Williams.com, check out our store. Check out the merch. We've got the magic F-Off shirts in there, which are a ton of fun. Might make a great Christmas gift.

It's a crazy shirt with a bunch of random letters, and you fold the bottom of the shirt to the top of the shirt, and it says F-off. Nobody knows until you actually demonstrate it. So it's a lot of fun. We have videos, we have CDs, T-shirts, movies, all kinds of cool stuff, harloweems.com. And then for my Canadian brethren, oh yeah, if you live in British Columbia,

you've got to get your ass down to yuck-yucks in Vancouver. I will be at the Vancouver Yuck-Yuck-Yucks December 5th through December 7th. Go to yuck-yucks.com and get your. tickets early. That pound puppy is definitely going to sell out. So we'll see you up in British Columbia, Canada, early December. And I think that's it. I think that's all we got for now. If you're in Canada, also check out my sitcom package deal on City TV. I think Pamela Anderson is coming up in three or four episodes here.

So it's going to be hot. And that's it. That's all we got for. today, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for being here. Take care of your health. And until next time, you know, chicken. Chalman, baby.