The Harland Highway - 531- Brutal ATTACK with a musical instrument, boys vs girls.

Episode Date: November 25, 2013

Story of savage musical instrument attack, the art of waving while driving, what is Silica, and is it tougher to be a boy or a girl? Cortex my vortex!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yep, it's time. Check your watch. Check your day planner. Check your underwear. It is time for the Harland Highway. Welcome, everybody, to the Harlan Highway podcast. I am your host with the most, Harlem Williams. And what a show we have for you today.

Going to get into a lot of kooky stuff. We're going to kick it off when there was a crazy attack. Somebody violently attacked someone. But guess what? they did it with a musical instrument. I won't tell you what it is, but it's a little bizarre, a little twisted. Also, I'm going to help educate you today.

Sometimes when you unpack a new consumer product, you'll see this little package of weird stuff mixed in with your product. I'm going to talk about it and actually give you some learn-ins and tell you what it is and where it came from and what it does, because it's something that I think is confounding and confusing to all of us. We're going to be taking a phone call from one of the pavement pounders doing a follow-up story on where men stick their penises. And this calls from a woman who had a lot to say about the whole penis-sticking thing.

And then finally, we're going to talk about waving. When you drive, do you wave to people? When you're going down the Harlan Highway, do you wave? You better, because it's the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway.

Hey-oh. And it's classic. I will find you. My mom always said, you can't handle the truth. Many, many years of therapy. Many, many, many. Fucking years of therapy. I will kill you.

Listen, lame brain Let an expert show you how to do this The Harland Highway You never know what you're going to get It's the Holland Highway The Harlem Highway Crazy news story That's weird

That's strange stuff Yeah, that's the way I roll That's the way I do it I'm starting to show off With a wacky, crazy news story because you got to hear this one. This is a classic. Okay, I think we all grew up on Crocodile Dundee,

all know Crocodile Dundee, and I think we all learned about Australian culture from Crocodile Dundee. How else did we know Australian culture, ladies and gentlemen? So one of the things we learned when watching the educational film Crocodile Dundee is there's a musical instrument called the didgeridoo in Australia.

In case you don't know what it is, here's what it sounds like. It's like a weird, like, sounds like an insect having sex with a violin. It's like, and I'm just doing that with my mouth. What? So anyway, here's the story.

That was the setup. Here's the story. This is hilarious, man. Humans have got to be the most. You know, if you go to the Z. zoo and think monkeys are interesting. You know, you go to the zoo and you watch monkeys? And you're just

like, I could just watch this monkey for hours. Look at them. So interesting. Now, it's us. It's the humans. Listen to this story. A Southern California man has been arrested after police say he

whacked a taxi with a didgerie do and an argument over the fair. Boy, that could almost be like taking us dirty. Uh, dude, you want to stop smacking my taxi with your didgeridoo? Yeah, just back it up. You might want to go get that didgeridoo circumcised before you start whacking it on my taxi.

So anyway, anyways, here's how it went down. The 31-year-old man and a woman were picked up Sunday night in Chula Vista. Already I'm suspicious. Chula Vista. then they fell asleep during a 20-minute ride home to San Diego. Police say when they arrived, the men got into an argument with the cabby over the fair. He says the guy went into the house and came out with a didgeridoo. Uh-oh, a long wooden instrument from Australia.

That's a little scary. when someone storms off into the house and comes out with a musical instrument? You better get to hell out of here. I'm telling you, I'm going to smack you with my harmonica, okay? Either back the F away, or I'm going to wail on you with my cello. I swear to God, I'm going to tambourine you right in the head, okay? I will, I will, oh, you're getting some electric organ. That's what you're getting.

Belelelelele. I mean, attacking someone with a musical instrument? How bizarre is that, man? So the story goes on to say this guy threatened the taxi driver with the didgeridoo. The cabby driver drove off with the man allegedly chased the cab and whacked itself. several times with the didgeridoo, denting it. So the cops arrested the guy in suspicion of vandalism. That's not a didgeridoo.

This is a didgeridoo. What a bizarre. First of all, who invented the didgeridoo? I think we know the answer. I think it was the Australian Bushmen, the Aborigines. And it actually does have kind of a magical sound to it. It's kind of very unique and spiritual and haunting. But you don't often see the didgeridoo in the orchestra pit

when the orchestra's warming up. You know, you got the harp, you got the oboe, you've got the French horn, you've got the kettle drums. You've got the violinist, you've got the tuba player. You rarely see the didgeridoo guy with the big long wooden didgeridoo with the snakes and lizards painted all over it. Maybe it's a bit too colorful, a bit too obscure for that. But good Lord, what's the cab driver thing?

Oh, my goodness. Stop hitting my cab. Get away from my cab with your didgeridoo. Oh my goodness If you hit my cab One more time with your didgeridoo I swear to Allah I will pull out my sitar

And smash you over the head with my seatar We are going to have an all-out Musical, obscure musical instrument Fight right here, right now And yes, I'm doing the stereotypical You know Accent for the cab driver because that's the majority of what you get,

whether you like it or not, tough beans. I'd say 80% of the time you get into a cab, you get someone with some kind of a crazy deep accent from somewhere else in the world. I'm not even making it up. Statistically, if you get in the taxi cab, quite often you will have somebody with an accent quite like this one.

If you don't believe me, I will smash you over the head with my didgeridoo. You sit down and you behave and let me drive. I swear I'll turn around and smash my C-Tar across your face. I will wrap a French horn around your head so fast you'll think you're at the Boston Philharmonic. You little bastard. So there you go. We start the show with a wacky story.

I don't think it gets any wackier than that. So just be careful, gang. If you're walking the streets, if you're cutting through an alley, just be warned that at any second, some mysterious stranger could walk up and pull a didgeridoo on you. For God's sakes, be careful. Now, to be certain that I have this straight,

I'll re-capitulate. Hello? Hello? Hi, Harland. This is Jan calling you from Washington, and I just listened to your podcast about the one where you guys, where you guys put your penises. And you said to call back with stories, and I don't really have a story because I don't have a penis. But I wanted to share with you as a funny conversation. I was out with a bunch of my friends the other night, and we had quite a bit of wine, and one of the gals just actually quite explosively, she shouts out that, she says, I want to be a guy.

She says, guys have it so much easier than girls. and I'm just kind of looking at it. What the hell? Where did that come from? And so I'm just listening to her, and she's going off of that. Mostly it was about women have to be skinny. And the expectation that, you know, we have to, like we have babies, but then you have to, like, lose that weight immediately.

And guys, you know, you can walk down the beach with your big beer belly, and nobody says anything. And she's talking about how much money we spend on our hair and on our clothes to look good. And by the time she's done, I was thinking, well, shit, I want to be a boy. You guys have it really easy. And then I came home and I heard your podcast. And I got to tell you, I have three brothers and I have four sons.

And in my wildest dreams, I did not know that you guys put your penises in chicken chalmane or in foam mattresses. And I am back to being so happy that I'm a girl, no matter how hard we have it compared to guys, I am so happy I did not have a penis. So we got some good laughs. We all listened to that. And anyway, so it was a fun conversation. So, okay, thanks, Harlan. Hope you're doing great.

Bye. Well, thanks for Colin Jan from Washington. What a treat. Yeah, you know, first of all, I think you're right. I think women do have it tougher than men, okay? Women have to do a lot more maintenance, a lot more stuff. they have to live up to the whole kind of superficial

good looks thing and I'm not saying women are superficial I'm saying they kind of have to live up to the superficial standards of what men want you know the makeup the clothing

the sexy the looking young the staying in shape so that's pretty tough that is tough most women I talk to, or I've heard from, say, man, guys have it so much easier than girls. And I agree with that.

But then you came along and said that guys have it way harder than women because guys have to stick their penises and things. Well, first of all, they don't have to. They just want to. That was the point of the podcast. Some of our pavement pounders called in and shared. stories of where they had placed their little buddies over the years and um you know that's not such a bad thing you know compared to having to do all the things that women have to do uh you know staying in shape and taking care you know having kids and makeup and clothes all the stuff

i mentioned i mean if if the downside of being a guy is pardon my french here but pleasureing yourself in a random hole. Yeah, it's a bit goofy. It's a bit, what's the word I'm looking for? Sophomoric, maybe. But it's not a thing you have to do every day. It's not a thing you have to present to the public. Let's face it, women have to get all dolled up for the public every day, every morning,

up two hours early to do the hair, the makeup, the lipstick, the foundation. guys roll out of bed, don't do anything. So all that stuff you do out in the public, whereas when boys and men are looking for the things to stick their weeners into, that's always kind of private. That's kind of behind closed doors. So I don't know. I don't know if you might want to revisit.

You might want to revisit, Jan, the whole, you'd rather be a girl than a guy you might want to take back saying I am so happy I do not have a penis In fact I think maybe you should try it before you really come to that conclusion Here's what I'm recommending And I'm not a doctor but try it

Go get a sex change Have a penis slapped on Try it out for a week, a month Give it maybe two months Maybe through the summer Get it going through the summer strut around at the beach. See if you like the penis.

Try, you know, maybe you can dig a little hole in the sand. People think you're laying on your stomach, having a sun tan, and you can be doing it with the beach. You can stick it in the mattress, in the chicken chow main, wherever you want. Just try it for two months. Don't rush to snap judgments. Maybe you don't have to. to say, I don't have a penis.

Instead, you could just say, yeah, I got a penis. I'm a mother. I've got four kids. I delivered four babies. You know, but now I've got a penis, just for a couple of months. I'm trying it out. Do you have any holes at your house? I can come over and test. Do you have any, are there any knot holes?

Is there any old mattresses? Is there a cantaloupe? I don't know. Jan, you know, I don't know. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Don't knock it until you've tried it, I guess. But anyways, that's a... enough of that we've covered the whole uh the whole uh men sticking their things into things they shouldn't be sticking them into uh thanks again to all of you who called in and uh shared and uh jan uh any last words from you before we go i want to be a boy wait i thought you said you never want to be a boy

so happy that i'm a girl okay wait boy girl what are you jan i am so happy i do not have a penis Okay, I think we're clear. Okay, thank you, Jan, for your call. Don't forget pavement pounders if you want to leave me a voicemail. It may get on the air. It may not. I don't know. It just depends how I feel.

It depends what you have to say. Is it interesting? Is it not interesting? Is it funny? It doesn't matter. Say whatever you want. I can't put them all on the air, but you know, you never know. The number's 323-739-4-3-3-0.

and would love to hear from you, any topic you want. You can ask questions, you can make statements, you can be angry, you can be negative, you can be positive, you can be whatever you want. And like I said, I just kind of put things up randomly, so take a chance at the high school dance and call in. Let me give you that number again. 323-739-4-330, the Harland High High School. answering machine, and it's good stuff. Now, I want to switch gears to something that we all do.

And it happens when we're driving. It doesn't happen as much as it used to, okay? But it happens. And it happens more when you're in a smaller town or a smaller community. I find people in the big city don't do this as much as they used to. and I'm talking about the friendly act of waving when you're driving. You know, people used to, when someone let them into a lane, they would stick their hand out and wave.

You know, if you were driving past someone on your street, you would wave. I find people in the city don't wave that much. It's too much of a commitment. It's too much of a... What the hell is he saying? Why did he wave at me? Oh, Christ, Carol, get the lawyer on the... line. Our neighbor just waved. That is inconsiderate. Who does he think he is waving at us?

Like we're common trash. Get the lawyer on the line. Let's sue. But what's fun is when you get into a smaller town, if you go somewhere for holiday or up to cottage country or somewhere where folks are a little more laid back, a little friendlier, there's a lot of waving that goes on while you're driving. And what I'm talking about is there's a special kind of wave we do. And you might want to try it if you're listening in your vehicle or if you're heading out in the car today or tomorrow. I want you to do what I call the steering wheel drive.

And it's kind of like a thing you do. You got your hand on the top of the wheel and you see someone coming towards you. and just, it's a funny wave because you don't wave with the whole hand. Normally you think of waving with the whole hand, right? But what you do when you're driving, check it out. If you've got your grip around the top of the steering wheel, it's like your two top fingers, like the piece sign, or maybe three,

or sometimes it's the piece sign and the thumb, and your baby finger and the ring finger are still wrapped around the wheel, and they just come up. It's like, whoop, hey, how are you doing? Not giving you the whole hand, okay? Can't commit to that. We don't know each other quite well enough for the whole hand, but I'm giving you the three finger or two finger one thumb steering wheel wave.

How you doing, buddy? Don't want to get too involved with you, but here it is. Whoop, whoop, there it is. Just that little steering wheel wave. You know what I'm talking about? Or sometimes maybe if you're really feeling it, You get the whole hand up there. You go, oh, my God, I'm lifting my whole hand off the steering wheel.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What kind of mental connection am I having with this driver? I don't know who they are. I've never seen them before. But somehow they've stimulated me to the point where I'm lifting my whole hand off the steering wheel and giving them the wave. That's big.

So anyways, it's kind of a kooky little thing. I want you to try it. homework for you pavement pounders when you're driving today and i think it'll put a little smirk on your face because normally you do it without thinking about it right you just you just lift the two fingers and the thumb but you're still holding the steering wheel and you never really think of it as a wave but i think if you do it today now that i've kind of shown the light on it or shone the light on it or whatever the hell it is um i think it'll put a little smirk on you you'll see how kind of a funny little thing it is.

It's almost like a flip-off, but it's friendly. And once you do it once, try it a few times. I bet you start laughing to yourself. I bet you start chuckling. And maybe you want to throw in some words when you do it because they can't. He's like, hey, buddy, how you doing? Steering wheel wave. There you go.

Three fingers for you. Don't really like you. Don't really know you to the point where you're getting all my hand. You're not getting five fingers. Here's three. so try it out and the people receiving it they're just going to think

oh man there's a friendly guy gave me the steering wheel wave they won't even know that you're doing a Harland Highway homework project how about that and I'm telling you I'm guessing

if you do it two three four times I have a feeling it's going to bring a little smirk to your face and what's wrong with that when you're having a day or you're in rush hour traffic, you're driving home, you've had a hard day at work.

You know, now that you're aware of it, now that you're conscious of giving that little wave, give it three, four times in a row. I have a funny feeling you're going to start snickering to yourself because it's kind of fun. So there you go. There's your little homework assignment, Lirties and Fnerdle Blurdens.

The steering wheel wave, okay? Okay, let me know how it goes. You can call in and tell me how that went for you. I'd love to know how you felt when you did it, if it made you smirk, if it made you giggle, if the people you did it to gave you the steering wheel wave back. Uh-huh. I wonder if they did it back to you.

So here it is, 3-2-3-739-4-3-0. the Harland Highway, pavement-pounder homework assignment, the steering wheel wave. Okay, and lastly on the show today, do you hear this? Can you hear that noise? That is a little tiny packet. It's a little envelope. And it says silica gel.

Silica gel, do not eat. throw away silica gel and I think you guys have all seen this before right it's this little package you get sometimes you'll buy a box of furniture

a ghetto blaster or a rocking chair or in this case I bought a lamp for my desk and I open the box and it's a metal lamp with a light bulb and a cord and there's this package of silica gel and I'm like

What the hell is this stuff? I always see this stuff. And I always get the impression it's like chemicals. It's like, why are these packages of silica gel? It sounds like chemical weaponry. Like who boxed up my lamp, Syria? Who put this packaging together, Saddam Hussein? Like, what's with the chemical warfare in my,

in my product and I've always been mystified by it you know the whole concept that they have to write don't eat I mean is that common where people going oh I bought a new lamp and look they put a snack

in here hey Bill our new couches here oh and look some little envelopes with snacks how dumb are people that they'd eat this stuff so anyways you uh you you you open it up and there's these little round beads inside i'm like what what is this stupid thing i've seen this stuff all throughout my life

i guess there's some place somewhere that manufactures and puts together these little silica gel things and i think we've all seen them and just tossed them and going what what the hell is that so i decided to wikipedia the damn stuff and maybe I'm going to give you some information here that's completely useless, but haven't you wondered? We've all had to deal with it. Or maybe you guys have been eating this stuff and your brain's fried. So silica gel is a granular, vitreous, porous form of silicon dioxide,

made synthetically from sodium silicate. Silicate gel is tough and hard. It is more solid than common household gels like gelatin or agar. What am I, Thor's father now? Thor, you must go to Agar and bring the gelatin back. Yes, my father. They say it is a naturally occurring mineral that is purified and processed into either granular or beaded form. As a desicient, it has an average pore size of 2.4 nanometers

and has a strong affinity for water molecules. Oh, the little silica gels are, they have a crush on the water. Isn't that cute that in the chemical world, there's silica could have a crush on water? I have a strong affinity for water molecules. It's just the way I'm wired. I think they're hot. So silica gel is most commonly encountered in everyday life as beads

in a small, typically 2 by 3 centimeter paper packet. And that's what I got right here. There it is. It's my little paper packet of silica beads. In this form, it is. is used as a desicent, I don't know this word, to control local humidity to avoid spoilage or degradation of some goods. Okay, so I guess I guess I don't want my lamp, my metal lamp, to get,

break a sweat and start getting wet inside its box or something. So they throw this in there, I guess, to absorb water or vapor. or moisture inside the box. Silica gel packets usually bear warnings for the user not to eat the contents. Yeah, I saw that. But too late. I'm going to eat them. I've been feeling a little bloated.

I've been drinking too much water lately. I don't like my insides being moisturized. I'm going to eat this crap and see if I implode. No, I'm not going to eat it. Do not eat the silica gel. So there it is. I guess, you know, I guess I cleared up a bit of a mystery here.

And I'm thinking, well, what other applications can it be used for? And I guess this thing was discovered in the 1640s. and it was used in World War I for the absorption of vapors and gases in gas mass canisters. Huh, that's interesting. In World War II, silica gel was indispensable in the war effort

for keeping penicillin dry, protecting military equipment from moisture damage as a fluid-cracking catalyst for the production of high-octane gasoline, and as a catalyst support for the manufacture of buddine and ethanol, feedstock for the synthetic rubber program. Again, all of that, meaningless to me. No, it sounds like it obviously has some very interesting applications, but I don't know. I'm wondering, do we really need it in our consumer goods?

You know, isn't it just an invitation for some kid to go, oh, look, clear-colored M&Ms! Look at these yummy Reese's pieces in the little package. They're white. Oh, they look delicious. Versus, you know, some kid in a hospital in a silica coma, versus, oh, gee, my lamp's a little moist. My consumer goods are a little moist.

I sure wish they put some more silica in there. God! I hate opening a brand new desk lamp from Staples, and it's all wet and moist. So there you go. A little FYI for you. And I was probably really doing it for me more than I was for you. So I got to come clean on that.

But hopefully you learn something too. So there you go. and if you don't like what you heard, go stick some silica in your ear and dry your brains out. What? All right, so there you go. That brings us to the end of the show on a very high educational note.

Thank you for being here, and please go to harlorewilms.com and where you can learn more by going to our store. You can check out merchandise with Christmas, There's a lot of fun stuff on there. There's comedy, specials, DVDs, CDs, T-shirts, artwork, all kinds of stuff you could buy for your loved ones for the holidays. And then what else?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. This, if you are going to be in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, in a few weeks, December 5th through the 7th, I will be at the Vancouver Yuck Yuck's. It's going to be a killer show. Get your tickets early. Go to yuckyukts.com and look for the tickets for my show because that sucker is going to sell out.

All those shows are going to sell out. So don't be disappointed. Let your friends know. And there you go. So that's it. Thanks for being here. Do not eat any silica gel, although it probably helps when you're listening to this podcast.

And that's it for me. Until next time, Fnerdle Blurgens and Blagardel Dargans. Chicken. Show me, baby!