The Harland Highway - 533 - Harland confronts a FOREST CRITTER in the wild!

Episode Date: December 2, 2013

Harland has an encounter with a wild forest critter who isn't to pleased to see him. Delicious styles of JERKY. And a dangerous new "game" called the Knockout Game. Unwrap my minnow trap!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet heavenly Boston baked beans. Hey, gang, it's Harlow Williams. You are on the Harlan Highway podcast. I am your host. And a great show today. Interesting topics, as always. We're going to be talking about a dangerous new, I quote, game, a violent, violent game that is emerging in the United States,

in the city streets that you need to be aware of because it can be hazardous to your health. It's a sickening statement of where our society is going, but we have to talk about it. So hold on to your toenails. Also, we're going to be talking about some delicious jerky. Oh, do you like to eat jerky, gang? Well, I'm going to eat some right in your face.

Right at the beginning of the show, I'm going to just chew your ear off. But wait a hear what kind of jerky it is. You will be astounded. And then yours truly had a run-in with a wild critter out in the middle of nature, one of the weirdest creatures to roam the earth. I still don't even know if it's a real creature or an escape from Avatar, but I had a little run-in with the little critter,

and I don't think he was too happy to see me. Okay? Waiter you hear how this story went. But I hope you're happy to see me, because I'm happy to see you right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living?

The Harland Highway. Hey-oh. And there's glasses. I will find you. My mom always said, you can't handle the truth. Many years of therapy. Many, many, many. Fucking years of therapy.

I will kill you. Listen, lame. train let an expert show you how to do this the harland highway you never know what you're going to get it's the harland highway ah yes oh oh that's got some bounce guess oh wow wow wow guess what I'm doing ladies and snartle blurgens I'm eating yeah how do you like that disgusting or what

well way do you hear what I'm eating and this is a treat this is a wow this is a first for me man I thought I have to share this with you do you like your jerky you like your your beef jerky well i thought i'd share with you guys some jerky i'm i'm eating jerky okay

um i'll just finish this bite i won't keep chewing in your ear because that would be obnoxious there i'm swallowing i'm hoping it doesn't jump back out and here's why The jerky that I'm eating, and some of you might hate me, and some of you might love me. I am eating Buffalo Bob's kangaroo jerky. What? Boy, yeah, that's right. I am eating kangaroo jerky right now. I'm not even lying.

And it's not bad. God. it's got a little bounce to it um yeah here's the story i was at a gas station down in florida okay kind of off the beaten track gas station and i'm going inside my gas is pumping in my truck i go inside to get a coke and a bag of bugles right And sitting on the counter, this little jerky stand. There was a little box with all these jerky sticking out of it. I was like, oh, jerky, whatever.

You know, I don't go out of my way to eat jerky. And then I looked and I saw these pictures on the packs of jerky. And there was this kangaroo jumping. Like, oh, cute. And then I read and it said, Buffalo Bob's, kangaroo jerky hello and then it said

Buffalo Bob's elk jerky and then it said Buffalo Bob's alligator jerky and then it said Buffalo Bob's wild boar jerky I'm like holy God did Noah's Ark crash into this gas

station? What the hell? And each package had its own little illustration on a I got an elk. I got an alligator with his mouth open, bearing his fangs. I got a wild boar kicking dust up on the ground. I got an elk rearing its massive rack of antlers. I've got a kangaroo jumping through the air, landing on one foot,

which I don't think they do often. God. So let me read you the agrees. I had to buy them, ladies and snartle Durgens. I just had to buy them. I'm sorry. I was like, I don't really want to eat that stuff. I've never been driving down the road and going,

man, I could go for some kangaroo right now. And if I can't find that, someone please get me to an alligator restaurant. So I had to experiment. And I thought, you know what, why don't I eat this on the air for the pavement pounders? Because God knows, you might be driving down the road and hit a gas station full of animal jerkeys. You just don't know. So let me read you the ingredients here. And some of you animal lovers are going, no, no, don't read it.

Don't tell us about it. We don't want to know about the dead animals. Well, relax. You all eat dead animals. okay and just so you know kangaroo is a big industry in australia you know most of us probably think about the lovable kangaroo just jumping around freely enjoying life but no no no no it's it's an industry there they make they use the meat so here's the ingredients to the kangaroo jerky ingredients kangaroo yep that's the first ingredient kangaroo at least it's not

high-fructose corn syrup for once. If only soft drinks had more kangaroo and less high-fructose corn syrup, perhaps we wouldn't have an obesity problem in this country. Perhaps we wouldn't be addicted to cola if they'd just take out the aspartame and the high-density fructose sugar and just dropped in a little kangaroo juice. Ingredients. Kangaroo, beef, salt, flavorings, dextrose, brown sugar. There we go. Dried molasses, onion powder, garlic powder, sodium erythroborreth, and sodium nitrate. So basically, that's a big, big stick of kangaroo and salt. Yikes.

I don't want to show up in the stroke ward with kangaroo infection on your arteries. U.S. inspected and passed by the Department of Agriculture. Wow. I guess the kangaroo made it through. Let's see what the alligator says. Ingredients. Oh, here we go. Ingredients in brackets.

Because we don't want any of that bad Chinese food. We don't want any of that individual. Tunisian tainted alligator ingredients in brackets, North American, and then alligator meat. Wow. So they made sure that we got the local meat from the local swamp. They didn't dip in any of that overseas stuff. North American alligator meat, beef, salt, spices, brown sugar,

onion powder, garlic, and, of course, Our favorite salt. Buffalo Bob's alligator jerky. Let's see what the elk is. I'll just read one more. They're pretty ingredients. Elk. Beef.

Wait, beef? What, the elk's not enough? That's a little insulting. Elks are like giant, they're like giant cows that live in the forest with big antlers. They're all meat. What the hell? I didn't get pure elk.

I got, I got, there's some cow mixed in with my, my elk, what is this? Like a meat, Reese's peanut buttercup. Whoops, oh, whoop, who, hey, I say there, you've got elk in my beef. No, you've got beef in my elk. Delicious. Hello. Buffalo Bob's Hickory smoked elk jerky. Maybe that's how it happened to.

Hunters bashed in each other in the woods and their jerky's tight. touched each other. Ew. Hey man, you want to, like, get your jerky off my jerky, man? Hey, man, you get your jerky off my jerky. Wait a second. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Uh-oh, it is the forest.

There's nobody around. Okay, enough. So there you go. Uh, kicking off the show with a little food deal there. and pretty good, not bad. By the way, I don't support the hunting trade and the killing of animals. I don't like hunting.

I'll be honest. There's people out there that like it. If that's your thing, good for you. I've never been a fan of it. I like fishing, but I don't like hunting. And when I fish, by the way, I'm a catch-and-release guy 99% of the time. Maybe that's why I don't like hunting. Once you put a bullet through something, it's gone.

That's it. And fish lay like 8 million eggs per fish, and mammals have like one or two babies a year. So I don't know. But it's not for me to judge. You do what you want, but normally I don't eat. I don't go out of my way to have animals taken rate out of the ecosystem. Now, domestic animals raised in a barnyard, that's a whole different thing.

But I thought I'd experiment, thought I'd taste them, get a little taste of buffalo bob's, kangaroo, alligator, wild boar, and elk jerky. Oh, can you say stocking stuffers? Hello. Oh, ho! Oh, ha, ha, ho! Charles Nelson Riley jerky. And speaking of critters while I was in Florida,

I did not see any armadillo jerky. But I did see an armadillo or two on the side of the road. And are these things ever weird? I mean, these guys are like the DEA of the animal kingdom. They come with bulletproof vests. And I don't know. I think we should be sending these guys into the battlefield to kick ass in Afghanistan and Iran and Iraq, I should say. I mean, have you seen an armadillo?

They're crazy. They're like made out of metal or something. They got this hard, like, outer shell. Look like they're wearing like bulletproof vests and they're, they look like they're little tanks. with little heads and little claws. Amazing. I just picture one of these guys running across the road and 18-wheeler hits it

and the 18-wheeler flips head over ass. Goes straight up, flops over on its back and the armadillo runs away. They're like little tanks. So anyways, I see an armadillo. There's so unusual. He's on the shoulder of the road in Florida kind of in a forested area

so I put on the brakes and I'm like I want to look at this thing there's no traffic around so I pull over I'm right there on the side of the road with the armadillo it's just getting towards sunset you know there's still

lots of light but it's going to be dark in like half an hour and this guy's just eating grass and bugs and whatever they eat um on this on the side of the road and then I slide down my power window and lean over the seat to take a look

and this guy sits up on his back legs and he's like looking at me like excuse me dude I'm eating like nosy and so I'm just looking at him and I guess he gets spooked and he decides to storm off he goes running off into the forest

but I guess right there like 10 feet later The minute he got into the underbrush, I guess it was kind of swampy and kind of like a bunch of old rainwater or an old river or a crick or something. And all of a sudden this guy starts bounding through the leaves and the bushes.

And all of a sudden you hear splash, splash, splash. He's running through like water. You can see like little bushes bashing back and forth. Then he gets out of the water and he's back on land. Then you hear him plunge into some more water. And he's probably thinking to himself, that son of a bitch. You know, I was nice and dry. I was at the side of the road, having my dinner, just eating my dinner.

Canna Armadillo eat his dinner in peace anymore? I'm grazing on the side of the road. This nosy, busy body pulls up. I'm trying to eat. I don't know what he wants. He slides down his window in his SUV. What's he doing? a drive-by? Why should I worry about a drive-by? I'm wearing a bulletproof vest. But what if he gets

lucky and hits me in the neck where I'm not protected? You know what? Now I got to get out of here. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item. plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free

shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Bing. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So he goes charging through the butches, thinking he's, you know, at the very least, he got a little bit of food in his belly, right? He gets to go home, curl up in his dry little

den underground that he dug full of nice dry leaves and possum hair and twigs. Oh, what a wonderful band. It's like being at the motel. A bed full of twigs and leaves and sand. But no, now, because I made him nervous, this poor guy, just as the sun's going down, so there's no way to get dry. Armadillos don't have hair dryers in their caves. They don't have clothes dryers.

They don't have towels. So now this guy's like, he's like splash, soaking wet somehow i forced him to traips through a swamp and you know he's running back home and he's laying in his underground cave really really pissed he's like that son of a bitch he was gonna do a dry pie i had a nice evening planned curled up nice and dry in my twigs and now i'm soaking wet I'm hungry, I'm damp, the sun's gone down, I got to lay here all night, drenched and shivering and cold and damp. That son of a bitch. That big-eared, chinless son of a bitch.

Oh! So there you go. I ruined that guy's night. You ever sleep in a wet sleeping bag? Your camping and somehow your sleeping bag fell in the wrist. or you spilled something in it or the rain got on your sleeping bag or you ever you ever spill something in your bed or when you're a kid you pee your bed there's nothing worse than sleeping in wet damp and wet so this little armadillo probably hates my guts he's probably gunning for me

man so anyways that's my little armadillo story that's you know Hey, good news, buddy. At least you're not jerky, okay? I'd rather you sleep wet. A little one night of discomfort versus you show up at the BP station as Buffalo Bob's Armadillo jerky.

Ingredients, main ingredient. Guess what? Armadillo. So count your blessings, you bulletproof. little brat. There you go. My run-in with nature. What we've got here is failure to communicate.

Now, speaking of body armor and personal protection, here's something that's not as funny as the last story, and this is appalling to me. This is something that isn't particularly new, but it seems to be gaining some momentum, gaining popularity. It seems to be happening with more frequency now. And it's a horrible, and I'm doing air quotes here, game. I don't think there's any gamesmanship involved with this at all,

but it's being titled the knockout game. And this is a real thing that, you know, you, my fellow pavement pounders, need to be aware of and take precautions against. because it could happen to you. I hope it doesn't. And if you're one of the people listening that do this kind of thing, just knock it off. But basically how it works is gangs of kids or solo people

sneak up on an unsuspecting citizen or blatantly walk right up to an unsuspecting citizen and cold cock them. They wail on their head. They swing around and give them a full-blown punch to the face or the head. Essentially, the end game is to knock the person out and drop them where they stand. So not only are people receiving a shot to the head from out of nowhere, which is dangerous enough, apparently a few people have died from this,

but secondly, once you're knocked out, you have that long fall to the ground, where you're going face first or backwards, unconscious, straight into the pavement or into a wall or wherever. So there's two ways in which you can damage your brain, your head, your face, your body. And in case you don't believe this is happening, here's a little news story about it. The New York City Police Department is incredibly worried about what seems to be rising and spreading trend among teenagers. in not just New York, but it's starting to spread around that area, a game called The Knockout Game. Now, the objective of this game is to walk on city streets,

either by yourself or in a group, and when you pass someone, an unknowing bystander, you clock them in the face as hard as you can and attempt to knock them out in a single punch, and you just keep on walking. And you don't just do this for the fun of the punch. Teens are apparently spreading these around. They're posting them on, like, YouTube, other video sharing sites.

They're trading them with each other. It's like a new age Pokemon, I guess. But unfortunately, someone has to get punched in the face for you to produce it. Pretty damn scary, man. And, you know, I think we've all probably seen videos before of somebody just cold-cocking someone in the face. But the fact that it's getting traction as a game, to punch someone in the face as a game, that's what's really shocking. And the fact that, you know, if it's a trend, trends.

always seem to gain traction and take off and gain followers and gain people who want to try the trend, blah, blah, blah. So very frightening and very cowardly. I think it's a coward's game when you can sneak up on someone or just kind of out of nowhere punch someone in the face. And a lot of these victims, I mean, these kids are punching women. they're punching kind of fat people out of shape people. They're punching unsuspecting guys that probably have never been in a fight in their life.

Your average businessman, your average 9 to 5er. You know, just guys walking down the street with a briefcase and then, you know, the kids look like they're just walking by and then they're loaded up. They know as they're approaching this individual, they got their fist clenched, and they're the only one that knows it, but they're about to just, out of nowhere with quick reflex and just pop, bang a guy right in the face or a woman and drop them to the ground. And like I said, people can die if not even suffer brain damage or permanent injury, paralysis.

So it's really sickening, and you've got to figure it's a real coward that does this because the person's defenseless, they have no idea that it's coming, they have no way to protect themselves, no way to fight. back and it just plays into our culture of violence where you know you start to think about gee do I need to start carrying a weapon do I need to defend myself from this stuff and it just it just raises all these types of questions but here's what I would suggest to avoid this happening to you and trust me some of these things if you've seen them on the news, the perpetrators sneak up from behind.

So you may think you've passed a group of kids and you're off the hook, but then what they do is they wait until you walk by and then they run up behind and bang, knock you down. So here's what I'm suggesting. How often do you walk by a group of kids? Okay, it's probably not a lot if you work downtown or you're on the subway, but then again, you might so here's what I'm saying just just be cautious be careful instead of just walking by a group of kids if you see a group of kids maybe you take a few steps to avoid them maybe you cross over to the other side of the street maybe if they're kind of hugging the inside of the sidewalk

you drift out to the far side and as you do walk by have it in your head that maybe something could happen so you walk by kind of on guard so that if you see any lunging motion, you can dock or raise your arm and defend yourself. And then when you walk past the kids, and I'm just saying not every kid, but if you're suspicious, if you have a funny feeling, if a group of kids look a little ominous

and your third sense goes off or your fifth sense or whatever it is, and you're kind of like, this doesn't look good, once you pass the kids, Just kind of do that tilt of your head, like the three-quarter turn where you're watching where you're going, but you're still watching this group of kids fade into the background and disappear,

as opposed to just walking by them and then not thinking about it. And it's sad that we even have to talk about this stuff, that we have to, you know, discuss, you know, your strategy on the street. But that's what I was talking about a few podcasts back, the ever-increasing violence of this world and a couple of weeks ago I did a podcast where I was talking about how you know gun rampages and shootings

in public places and schools and libraries and these things happen once every few years maybe a few times a decade and then they became like maybe four or five times a year and now they're almost every day I'm not even exaggerating I check, I have the USA Today app on my phone, okay? And that's kind of my go-to news source.

I read it every day. And almost every day there's a story about someone going berserk with a gun. Almost every day. I wish I was exaggerating. If you don't believe me, download the USA Today app. It's free. And you get all your news stories right there on your iPhone or whatever phone. you use.

And start monitoring how often somebody's going berserk with a gun. Not just a violent murder and a home between people that know each other. I'm talking about a guy in public taking shots at people he doesn't know or going off in a mall or a library. And so not only do we have to start, you know, I've kind of modified my behavior now when I'm in public. I think I told you, and I don't want to be a paranoid guy, but I kind of start. looking around a bit more.

I start looking for exits. I start looking at body language. I start looking at kind of, you know, if I think I see someone that's a little acting a little strangely. And I'm sorry, it's just a reaction to all the horrors that are happening. And so now you've got to worry about what used to be just a bunch of goofy kids walking down the sidewalk, possibly cold cocking. you causing permanent damage punching you in the head maybe killing you and this is this is all

servicing the internet kids are not only they dumb enough to punch you but they're dumb enough to put it on the internet so sadly this is another example of how we all have to modify our behavior when we're out in the streets and we have to be much more cognizant of our surroundings we have to start mapping out escape routes and escape plans and and uh you know walking on the defensive making sure we are aware of our surroundings and the people around us and i know it sounds like paranoid and it's probably in the extreme should something happen but at the same time i don't want you to be afraid to go out i don't even think that everybody's got an agenda to commit violence, but I'm just saying if you had zero

kind of sensibilities about looking around when you went out, and I don't, again, I don't want you to be paranoid people, but if you had zero kind of perception about that stuff, maybe just knock it up to a one, because you don't want to not enjoy going out. You don't want to be suspicious of everyone around you. but there's a difference between suspicious and paranoid and just being prepared and being smart. And sadly, we live in a world where people go off and seem to get off on the public attention

and recognition from committing acts of violence. It's kind of scary, man. So the only reason I'm saying this is not to be a fearmonger, but I'm looking out for you, my pavement pounders. Come on. We should all look out for each other, maybe. And especially if this thing's kind of an epidemic, a trend, the knockout game. Boy, oh, boy.

Right now you have to kind of be aware of your surroundings. So there you go. A little health and well-being tip right there for y'all. And if you're really smart, you'll go out and buy an armadillo skin jacket and just wear that and maybe have an armadillo like make his nest on the back of your head so it's like a living helmet and then even if these goofs

do try to sneak up on you and wail you in the head is like bong oh crap I broke my hand they'll break their hand on your armadillo head whew okay I don't think that's a bad way to end the show looking out for you guys is that is that bad

you know it's like it's like a public safety warning here i just did it's like no it's like i'm running for president or something i think that's a nice way to end the show to make sure you're safe please let me care please please let me care for you let me help you help me care for you i am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you.

It is an up-at-dawn pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, okay? God, help me. Help me, Rod. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.

yeah yeah that's that's what i wanted to say so there you go great way to end the show thank you me helping you uh anyways if you want to help yourself to some giggles chuckles guffaws uh ladies and snartle blargens uh december 5th through december 7th yours truly will be at uh the Yuck Yucs Comedy Club in Vancouver, Canada. Thursday night one show, Friday night, two shows, Saturday night two shows, December 5 through 7. Please come down and check it out. These tickets are probably going to sell out pretty fast. So if you're listening, get on the wagon quickly.

Go to Yuck Yuck Yucs.com and get your tickets. We're going to have some great shows there. and all the fans of my movies, my new Canadian sitcom package deal. For those of you that are loving package deal, can come out and catch me live in Vancouver, which is actually the city where we shot the show. So real good connection, real good ties to that place.

And then in case you're in Florida, this is for the new year. This is my first gig of 2014, I guess, is what the new year is. 2014, Harland. So I'm going to be in Orlando, Florida. What a great way to start the year. I love Florida. If all you are, Madillo's listening, come out and see me.

I'll be at the Orlando Improv. That'll be January 2nd through January 5th. at the Orlando Improv, great club, and look forward to seeing you there. Also, check out Harlow Williams.com. Christmas is coming up. We have all kinds of great merchandise in the store for you. You will love it, CDs, DVDs, T-shirts, music, artwork,

send the gift of laughter to those you love. Just go to Harlowemales.com, click on our store, And while you're there, if you want to leave me an email, you can write me an email, or if you want to phone and leave a voicemail, 323-739-433-30. 3-2-3-739-433. Always love to hear from you guys. Also, like I said, keep watching Package Deal. My Canadian sitcom, I'm going to have some good news about that show coming up. soon. Can't say anything yet, but

I got some exciting news to share with you guys about the sitcom and that's it, man. That is it. I hope you had a good time. Thanks for being here, everyone. Love to have you here. Please tell your friends, neighbors, the people living in your basement to get on the highway and listen so I can help them, help you, help me, help them out of the basement. Huh? That's it. Watch out for Armadilloes. Enjoy your jerky. Don't get knocked out. And until next time, chicken. Shawman, baby.