The Harland Highway - 534 - SENIOR FUENTES returns, big boats, customs with friends

Episode Date: December 5, 2013

An unwanted visit from Harland's gardener Senior Fuentes, also the 1st Xmas song of the season, smashing booze on boats, and the strange customs we have with our friends and family. Button down the bongo drums!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bless my turnip salad. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. How are you today? It's Harlan Williams, and you are on the Harland Highway podcast. Yes, yes. I don't know why I did that stupid voice, but I did, and we're stuck with it. Welcome, everybody. Harlan Williams here.

You are on the Harlan Highway podcast. Great to have you here. And I mean it when I say great to have you here because we're going to be listening to some phone messages today from some pavement. pounders who really said some nice things and put me in a good mood and we're going to play those messages and you can hear the wonderful things that some of the gang had to say about me. Also, we're going to play our first Christmas carol of the season, a favorite we always do every year on the Harlan Highway here, so get ready for that. I heard a rumor that a certain

And Gardner might be calling into the show today. I certainly hope not, but he might. We'll have to wait and see. We're also going to discuss customs. What kind of customs do you have with your friends, with your buddies? What kind of customs are out there in the world, things that you do over and over? Hmm. Well, I'm going to share one of my customs that I do with my buddy, comedian actor Tom Green,

and you're going to hear from Tom. It's going to be fun right here on the Harland. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing

for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-yo And that's classic I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Many years of therapy Many many many Fucking years of therapy I will kill you Listen lame brain Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get.

It's the Harland Highway. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan. This is Mick Butler. I've been a fan of yours for, well, since when I was a kid, actually. I'm from Minnesota. And I grew up and watched Rocket Man. and ever since I knew you were a god-dang genius.

You really have been an inspiration, and I just wanted to call up and say that. I am listening to your show on the daily pretty much, whenever you put it up, just loving every minute of it. You know it. I'll be back. Keep putting them on up on SoundCloud. That's what I say. Talk to you soon.

Bye. Mick Butler, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it. You heard it. Mick Butler. I think he said, I think you said genius, right, Mick? I knew you were a god-dang genius. Wait a second.

What was that little laugh I heard at the end? Did you hear that? I heard god-dang genius, and then... Right? You heard it too, right, guys? If I knew you were a god-dang genius. So that laugh, I think it nullifies the whole genius. thing but um thank you anyhow man uh more than anything i'm i'm glad you enjoy it i'm glad uh boy that that's a

big compliment when someone says that you inspire them um i don't take that lightly and uh that means a lot to me and i'm not sure what part of what i do inspires you or what i say or if it's my actions or whatever but uh duly noted and that's very kind of you and uh boy oh boy If I can inspire someone in life, that's a really nice feeling. So thank you for the kind words. In fact, I'm encouraged now to see if there's another nice phone call out there. Right, Mick? Okay, Mick, thanks.

I'm going to take that as a yes. Let's take another call here. Harlan Williams, I'm a huge fan. I'm up here in Portland, Oregon. I listen to your show very regularly. You inspire me. Your verb for life is inspiring. Your message is inspiring.

We, my girl and I, love you. Care about you. Want to wish you a happy holiday. And Merry Christmas. Happy Thanksgiving. And we'll talk. Buddy, love you, ma'am. Wow.

I love you guys back. What can I see? say, man, I'm touched. I honestly, I'm a little befuddled like the people saying that I inspire them. I'm not sure what it is, but whatever it is, like I said, that moves me. That is beyond kind. And something else that kind of mystifies me a bit is, you know, someone referring to my message. And maybe I'm the only guy that's oblivious to it because I do these podcasts and

I don't know what it is, but maybe there is a message somewhere in all of this that you guys find. I'll tell you what, I'm not planting any message, but maybe it's just something I'm not wise to because I'm just the guy here doing the talking, so I'm not really sure what it is. But my goodness, if you're finding a message in here and all this madness that I do, you know, Dr. Debbie and Senor Fuentes and all the nutty characters and God bless you, man. If you're finding a deeper meaning in this, man, that's an even bigger crazy thing that it's like a hidden surprise for me. So I love it. Wow.

Boy, you guys are making me feel real good today. Thank you for that. Thank you for the calls. Now I want to, let's do one more. You guys up for one more call. Okay, I'll take that as a yes. Hey, Arland, I need a good laugh. I was just wondering if Senior Fentes has ever waxed your pole or polished your knob

or handled your starfish or trimmed your bush. Let me know. Have a good day. Oh, boy. No, no, no, no. I don't like to bring up Senor Fentez. As you know, he's my gardener. There have been some incidents where he's done some things that I don't approve of.

They have been mistakes. And there was an episode. If you go through the many, many podcasts, there is an episode somewhere where he did trim my bush. and I don't know why I keep this guy around. Unfortunately, for you, I know you said you needed a good laugh. I could hear it in your voice. God knows laughter's the best medicine. But this stuff isn't funny to me.

This is a troubled gardener that I have had for a while. He constantly interferes. I don't like his work ethic. and I'm glad you find him funny, but he upsets me to no end. So I'm sorry, I can't help you, but... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, get him out. Hello, senor, my name is Senor Frances. I know who you are.

I was just talking about you for God's sakes. Thank you, Signor. I like it when you talk about me, Senor Fuentes. Stop saying your name. I know who you are. I am your gardener, senor. Yes, I know you're my gardener,

and that's the key word, gardener. Yes, senor. Well, here we are in my podcast studio. What a wonderful place, signor. Why does it smell? Stop it. It doesn't smell. Well, it smells to me, senor.

I work around manure and fertilizer, and this place smells like a Korean shithouse. Stop it. Sorry, signor. Now, do you see a garden anywhere in here? No, signor. I see some stains on your chair. Stop it! I'm just telling you what I see, senor.

You are not supposed to be, or there's no garden here, you're supposed to be at home working in my garden. See, senor, I have had a little problem. Oh, God, here we go again. Yes, senor. What is it this time? Well, it seemed like your patch is dry, senor. What? Your patch, senor, it is dry.

What are you talking about my patch is dry? You know the little piece of grass just before you go in the front gate? Yes? And you know there was a little patch of grass right there? Yes, it's very dry for some reason the sprinkler. aren't hitting it, senor. Okay. Well, I wanted you to know

your patch is very dry, senor. You know, stop saying my patch is very dry. Somehow that sounds wrong. Well, you don't need to worry, senor, I just came to tell you that I moisturized your patch. Your patch is now very wet

and moist, senor. Okay, that even sounded worse. What, did you have a wet, moisturized patch, signor? Stop saying I have a wet, moisturized patch. Just stop it. Well, it's laying right there on the lawn, senor, for everyone to see. You're wet, sparkling, dripping, moisturized patch.

Stop saying, sparkling, dripping, moisturized patch, signor. Yes. Now, you're making me upset. What do you want? Well, I came to tell you, signor, that I left the hose on your patch by mistake. Okay. and now your dry patch is dripping wet. You know what? You need to get out of here.

My name is Signor Fuente. What does that have to do with you getting out of here? Listen, signor, I have to tell you something else about your dry patch. Yes? I had to trim your grass on your dry patch. Get out of here! I'm just telling you, Signor, I had to cut it right down the middle. It looks like there's a Brazilian in the middle.

of your lawn, seor. Get out of here. There's no Brazilian on my patch. Well, have you looked at your patch lately, senor? Well, let me look at it right. Get out of here. Idiot. Roger, why do you let him in here? Senor Fuentes. That's Senor Fuente. Get out! Your patch is very dry. Would you like me to put some olive oil on it, senor? Get out! God, what a dork. Roger, I've asked you not to let him in. Don't let him in. I can't believe it.

A caller asked about him. I spent 10 minutes saying that you're never going to hear from that guy again, and he shows up. Talk about bad karma. Well, I hope you ought to laugh, my listeners, because, like I said, I'm stressed right now. Good Lord. Um, anyways, let's move along. Let's do something to de-stress right now, shall we? Uh, as you know, we are, uh, we're coming up quickly on, uh, Christmas.

And, um, I think it might be time, ladies and gurgled Ergens, uh, just because it's, you know, it's the beginning of, uh, the holiday season. Uh, we're in, at the beginning of December. And every year, I like to play, uh, great Christmas. song from my buddy Toby who uh sung this song and uh it's it's kind of a tradition here at the harland highway it kind of signifies the beginning of the holiday season so let's switch gears and uh let's let's go into uh this uh this wonderful christmas carol that my buddy toby uh wrote and sings uh it's called snowballs and uh here we go let's kick it on

Toby Huss, Christmas favorite here on the Harlan Highway, snowballs. Yeah, it was this time of year. About a year ago, I think, around the holiday seasons that I was at home waiting for the old lady to get back. She'd been gone a couple weeks you see. So I had a couple dozen hot toddies or so waiting for there. Ha, finally the door opens up. Rudy! Hey, baby, it's been a while.

Take off the dress. She don't. She gives me the stink eye. Where's the tree? What do you mean? What tree? It's Christmas Eve, Kazoni. Oh. Yeah, I thought it was June. She says, that's it.

That's it, Rudy. I'm leaving you. I've had enough. I can't stick no more. I found another guy. I'm gone. Hold on baby. What do you mean on Christmas Eve? You're leaving me? You found another guy? Who is this Joe? What's he got that I don't got? Well, he's really cute. Baby, it's me. It's Rudy.

You've got a short red suit. I know I ain't no beauty, but if you squint you, Your eyes when the lights are low You got once well looking skinny day go Kids love him to boo Was this more than a date He's got a sack a looose No, you little ain't great

Well, yesterday you're my lips smack up Now you're a sugar plum nut cracker I did not forget Christmas No, I hunt some mistletoe in my pants Packer up! There's snowballs like mine And there's snowballs like the ones You're leaving behind

You're gonna miss my fat, spackling crackling hot You log Wax nostalgic for my steamy holiday nog He's jolly and bed Yeah, who is this pet? Steets a rosy and red Oh, I should have guessed Don't hit your ass on the way out the dough

You ho-ho snow-blowing, ho-ho-ho-ho Oh, Merry Christmas, Rudy Blow it out your dingle Don't go getting snooey Oh, so you bag the cringle So long, but don't forget my dear Oh, fat so comes but once a year There's snowballs

I live up in the cold I like these I love his big North Pole They jingle, jingle, jingle down below my knees You're gonna miss roasting My chestnuts Oh yes ma'am Good luck without my pink honey glazed

Holiday ham Because there's snowballs Like mine There's snowballs like these snowballs like these twins you're leaving behind and there's snowballs there's snowballs

there's snowballs there's snowballs and have snowballs like those nutty knocked out nuts or cuckoo stones you're leaving behind dear sannie claus thanks for nothing

P.S could you possibly bring me a new broad or if not I don't know toss a couple of drunk elves in my bed or something a couple of your little helpers to help you they can help me pal he he yes yes blow it out you dingle uh yeah I love this song I hope you like it

I play it every year around Christmas time It's my buddy Toby Huss, and Toby is an actor. You've seen him in all kinds of movies. I did a movie with them called Down Periscope, where he played an electrician on a submarine, and I played the sonar guy on a submarine. And we did that movie way back when, and we've been buddies ever since.

And he does a character named Rudy Casoni. And this song is off his Christmas CD called Rudy Casoni Snowballs. So if you want to buy the whole album, just go to the internet, look it up. I think you can find it on Amazon or iTunes or just type it into Google search and it'll direct you to the right place. So good friend and funny song. And it's kind of fun when you hear that first Christmas carol of the season. You go the whole year and then all of a sudden, oh, what's that song?

And I don't know if it does it for you, but it just fills me up immediately with, I don't know, some kind of feeling, some kind of spirit, some kind of, and I guess that's what Christmas is designed to do. I don't know if it does it for you, but it just kind of makes me feel good inside. And when you hear that first Christmas carol, whatever it is, chestnuts on an open fire or little lamb or silent night or whatever it is, uh it just uh stirs my heart a little so i hope i hope snowballs blow it out you dingo uh did it for you hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want it to be better not worse trust me and adam and eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping and more than that adam and eve wants

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back. out. And speaking of good friends, I want to share something with you guys. I know all of you have little things you do with your friends, right? We all have best friends, good friends. And we all share little habits, little patterns, little sayings with each other. Isn't that right? You have your buddies and, you know, maybe you share a little what's up or head buddy or hey man, what's going on dude or whatever it is you know you do it with your girlfriend your boyfriend your

your buddy your brothers your sisters and um i want to share one with you that's been going on for years years and years and years probably like 15 years and i don't even know why or really where it came from but um me and my buddy tom green you know you know tom the uh comedian the actor um the genius easy there um anyways we've been sharing a stupid saying for for like i said 15 years and it's just a name i think i came up with it and we've just been doing it ever since and it's just the name jerry and what we do is we drag it out we call each other jerry in texts you know he'll just text me in the middle of the night jerry and then i'll text him back jerry with three rs

and then he'll text me back, Jerry with six R's, and it just keeps going on and on. And when we see each other, we're like, Jerry, or when we answer the phone, there's never a hello. It's just when we see it's Tom or he sees it's me, pick up the phone, hello, Jerry, Jerry, hello, Jerry. So if you ever want to kind of hit Tom Green,

up on his Twitter or on his website or wherever, just hit him up with a big long, hello, Jerry. And he'll get a laugh. He'll know exactly where that's coming from. Okay? And you know what? Just to prove the point, I recorded a little Jerry episode between me and Tom so you can kind of hear how ridiculous it is, how stupid it is,

But yet somehow we just have a blast. We never get tired of it. It's our own little private thing, and now I've let you in on it. Oh, great. So here it is, me and my little buddy, Tom Green, jerrying each other. Jerry. What? Jerry.

Tom, I can't hear you. We're here in Hollywood. Uh-oh. And Jerry is about to do a second. at the improv tonight. It's going to be amazing. Jerry. We're going to be a big night in Hollywood tonight with Jerry. Jerry.

Jerry. I'm going to record it, Jerry. Nice. I'm recording you right now, Jerry. Absolutely, absolutely. So we're talking into the recording device right now. I want to say hello to everybody. Can you give, instead of saying hello, could you say something that begins with a J to everybody?

Jerry Jerry Thank you So there it is man It's the dumbest thing in the world But I can't tell you how much Joy and laughter It's given me and Tom

I don't know why That's what I mean It's like We all have our buddies And you know This is one of those things I think it would be fun to share all the pavement pounders could share it if you if you have a kind of a special thing that you do with your close friend or a family member or your your partner or whoever feel free to tell us even share if you want to get you know if you want to call my voicemail which is uh 323 739 4330 you and your friend could do what me and tom just did and do your little thing together

Your private little thing, your private little Jerry, the one you do yourself, we'd love to hear it, and we'd love to play it on the podcast. So if your friend isn't around that you do it with, you can do it by yourself, or even if you don't want to do it, if you don't want to give away the magic, you can tell us what it is. And it might not even be verbal. It might be a thing you do where you poke each other or you ruffle each other's hair or you give Nugies, or you give each other a look, or it's a walk. You know, there's so many different quirks we have as human beings.

And we'd love to share some of your private Jerry stories with the pavement pounders here. And yeah, it's a little personal, but you know what? I let you in on mine, and I'm actually encouraging you to tweet Tom Green and give him a Jerry. He'll probably love it. It might ruin our whole Jerry thing, but I don't think so. And here's another funny story. For some reason, years ago, some of you might remember, I did a sitcom called The Gina Davis Show.

And I worked with Gina Davis, and she was the star of the show, and I played her sidekick on the show. And for some reason, Gina, who was just the sweetest woman I think I've ever met, one day I said it to her I was like hey Jerry to Gina I don't know why and I think she kind of caught it and as we got into our season of doing

the Gina Davis show that became me and Gina Davis's little thing too we'd every time we'd see each other and say hey Jerry and she'd do the whole Jerry there now don't tell Tom because Tom would be very jealous

if he knew I was Jerry with someone else. So you can't tell him. Don't tell Tom that I was jerrying with another person. Jerry. Yeah, so you can't say a word. Do not, do not let Tom know I was doing jerry with someone else. But if you want to Twitter, Tom, and give him a jerry.

Jerry. I don't mind that at all. Okay. uh but anyways we'd love to hear your secret jerry tales and uh like i said if you want to leave a voicemail and tell us your secret little buddy private little thing you do uh 323 739 4330 and i don't care if it's ridiculous i don't care if it's silly what could be more ridiculous than jerry jerry so go ahead and share i think it'll be fun and if you don't want to leave a phone number, if you don't want to, I mean, if you don't want to call the phone

number, leave a voicemail, you can also write to Harlan Williams.com, and we can, we can put that up on the air, right to there. Okay. Okay. So there you go. And if you find the Jerry kind of mystifying, I'm going to switch gears here. I want to share with you something I saw on TV the other day that was kind of mystifying to me. It's kind of a bizarre ritual. I don't know where it came from. I don't know why they still do it. But there was a christening of a giant ship.

They were in a shipyard somewhere. And, you know, they had a big ceremony and they had a platform raised up. And they had people all dressed up real nice. And then they had a woman and a nice outfit. Some lady, some politician or a local mayor or someone. and they're all standing around and the woman all of a sudden pulls out a big bottle of booze

like a bottle of champagne or something and smashes it against the hull of the boat. And I'm like, where did that custom come from? Okay, we built this giant 900-ton metal ocean liner.

Now that it's all finished, let's smash a bottle of booze on it. Yeah, I... Just smash it. And it's so funny to see that. They often have a woman do it. And it just looks like something you'd see in a biker bar out in the valley in California. Hey, man, what you want?

What you want? Man, you're looking at me, man? Y'all smash this bottle on your face, man. So here's this, you know, you always see these women dressed like they're going to an inaugural parade. And all of a sudden they crank up this big bottle of champagne. And it's kind of out of a woman's wheelhouse, especially kind of a working woman, you know, like a politician or someone like that. You rarely see them do anything physical, maybe cut a ribbon or maybe stick the tip of a shovel in the ground at a groundbreaking ceremony. You don't usually see a woman, a working woman, wind up her arm, lift a giant bottle of booze over her head and smash it on the front.

of a boat it's kind of a violent action when you think about it right it's like it's like you're swinging you're holding glass in your hand they don't wear gloves so you're holding the bottle by the neck and then you're smashing the bottle which takes a lot of force against the the iron hull of the of the ship glass flying everywhere the bottle's usually under pressure because it's champagne so you got to ask how many times times in history has a shard of glass gone into somebody's eye or

hit the woman that's doing the thing or how many times have they cut their hand open? Because they've got a glass bottle in their hand. And then the booze goes all over the place and there's glass everywhere

and the janitor at the shipping yard's probably hiding behind a dumpster going that son of a bitch, I got to sweep that shit up. Damn it! And why is it champagne? Why can't they smash a Mickey of Canadian Club whiskey against the boat? Why not crush a can of Bud Light up against the boat?

Why not put a lemon in a corona bottle and I christen this boat? She get that guy from the Simpsons, you know, the guy that hangs out. out in Homer's bar, Fred or whatever his name is. That guy should be the official boat, Kristerner. Hi, Homer, I'm going to christen his boat. They're like a bottle of beers. I remember you, but I don't remember you being so beautiful. So, oh, hey.

Oh. So it's just a weird custom, you know? kind of like my custom with with jerry that they should change it instead of instead of smashing a bottle of booze on a boat now they should just walk up to the front of the boat and just look at it yell jerry yeah i like that so that those are new customs yes so anyways um that that that's a Let's end on that. I think that's a good way to end.

And like I said, if you want to share your custom with us, the listeners, the pavement pounders, 323-739-4-330, I think it'll be a lot of fun. If we can, we'll put it up on the air here for you. And it'll be a blast. Again, thank you for your phone calls, those early phone calls with the very, very kind messages. I'm so happy you are getting everything you need out of this show, whatever it may be. I am touched that you shared that with me.

Thank you, gang. And we'll just keep it coming, man. Hopefully, you know, just keeps giving you what you need. Don't forget, my buddy Toby Haas, pick up his CD, Rudy Kassoni, Snowballs. And we'll play some more cuts from his CD as we get closer to Christmas because it is a lot of fun, man.

And if you want to see me live getting closer to Christmas, how about we start tonight, December 5th, and right through to Saturday, December 7th, I will be at the Yuck Yucs in Vancouver, British Columbia, in Canada. Please get online, go to Yuck Yucke Yucs.com and get your tickets, because I'm telling you, man, this pound puppy is going to set.

sell its ass out, and I don't want you to be disappointed. I'm going back to the homeland, the motherland, and Vancouver's always been a great spot for me to do stand-up. I haven't been there in quite a while, so I'm telling you, get your tickets, it's going to be packed. Yuck-Yucks.com, Harlan Williams, live at Yuck Yuck-Yucks, December 5th through the 7th. Make sure you get to the Harlan Williams store at Harlan Williams.com because we have got all kinds of cool presents for the Christmas season,

funny t-shirts, artwork, music, DVDs, movies, comedy specials, all kinds of great stuff. Books, all the stuff you need is at the Harlanwilms.com store. Again, if you want to write, excuse me, that's Harlanwilms.com. And if you want to call and leave a voicemail, hope you do. 323-739-4-3-3-0 and hope to hear from you. That's it for today, gang. Make sure you go to all-thingscom.

That's a comedy network podcast network that supports my show and I want to in turn support them. Let them know that you're out there. Go check out all the other funny podcasts on there. And that's it. We are done. Until next time, Jerry, Chicken, Chalman. Baby.

I've learned I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, there'll be a new Barnard Gumbull. I'm working clean and sober. Congratulations, Barney. And enjoy your grand prize, a lifetime supply of duff beer. Oh, just hook it to my veins.