The Harland Highway - 535 - White Castle magic, DR. ASCOT on relationships.

Episode Date: December 9, 2013

White Castle burgers has an amazing secret, Dr. Ascot drops by for relationship advice, America's longest married couple, Canada's health care vs. USA. Stretch my fetch!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the most happiest podcast of the year. Yes, Christmas is here. What a treat. Tis this season to get jolly. We're getting close. But for now, let's just deal with the podcast. We will deal with the birth of baby Jesus Christ in a few more weeks. Right now we have to deal with this podcast.

We won't be talking about white Christmas, but we will be talking about White Castle. Oh, oh, wait to you. you hear the joyous news I have for all you White Castle hamburger lovers. It is, oh, you're going to, you're going to pee your pants. And then I got a call from one of the pavement pounders who knows I'm Canadian and was asking me to compare the Canadian health care system to the upcoming Obamacare system.

So an interesting call there, I try to kind of mix and match the best of my recollection, the differences and the comparisons to the health care system. systems. Also a great story. I don't know if you're a relationship person, but we are going to be hearing from the longest married couple in America. Wait do you hear how long they've been married and actually how old they are. It's quite a sweet story.

And then lastly, yuck, Dr. Ascot is dropping by to give me relationship advice. What an idiot. All I advise is that you stay here on the Harlan. Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-yo

That's classic I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy Many many many Fucking years of therapy

I will kill you Listen lame brain Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. I'll tell you what you're going to get. I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

And many of you may know this secret already, and many of you may not. Hello, gang. Hello. Do you like White Castle? Do you like those crazy White Castle cheese burgers. They're about the thickness

of a sheet of sandpaper and the same kind of consistency but yet somehow they're delicious and you have to eat 9 or 10 or 11 or 43 and one sitting. Yeah. Well, here's what I want you to do. You ever hear that saying,

you'll find it in your grocer's freezer? Well, go find wherever your grocer lives and open his freezer. because I've known this for many years, and I realized I'd never shared it with you guys. White Castle has their burgers frozen and sitting in your grocer's freezer. Thank you.

Can you believe it? I don't think there's a frozen Big Mac in my grocer's freezer. I don't think there's a frozen whopper in my grocer's freezer. I don't see an Arby's all you can eat. beef cheta twirl or a Wendy's mushroom Swiss melt or a Chick-fil-A or a Dairy Queen Brazier burger in my groceries freezer freezer. Say that three times. Grocer's freezer, grocery freezer, grocery freezer, grocery freezer, grocery freezer,

so thank you, White Castle, for having the initiative to having the junk food wherewithal to not only poison us out on the streets, but now in our own homes. Thank you, White Castle. Yeah, and here's the kicker. They're just as good as the ones you get at the drive-thru. You're thinking, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Freezer, microwave, White Castle.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. How about this? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Turn around, bright eyes. Turn around bright eyes Turn around There's a white castle In your grosser's freezer

Once upon a time I was having Drive through Now I'm having microwave in my own home Nothing you can do It's a grosser's freezer white castle Turn around bright eyes Wow Can you tell I'm excited?

Geez. So there you go. Just, you know, if you've got the late night munchies or you're just thinking, what the heck can I eat when I'm watching football or saving private Ryan or pedico Junction or Wheel of Fortune? What can I eat? What can I nibble on? Hello.

Frozen White Castle burgers, gang. Yeah. I do it. I'm guilty. I don't do it a lot, but I do do it. Pretty good. Pretty good stuff. So there you go. Little secret that many of you know, but many of you don't know. So there, it's out in the open. Enjoy. Enjoy. Enjoy. Why am I coughing? Am I dying from eating too many white castles? No. I'm living. I'm living from eating so many white castles.

Turn around. Brunas! Oh, thank you. Well, thank you very much. Thank you very much. I'll be available to your grossest freezers. Thank you very much. your show today about the Obamacare and uh i was just curious because you were raised in canada kind of a serious question what do you think about the health care system there does it work there would it work here the same way or just curious so uh let me know thanks well that is a very good question and it is a little serious but uh let me tell you what i know uh growing up in

Canada, it was pretty darn good, I have to say. You know, you don't think about health care that much when you're a kid. I moved out of Canada when I was around 27. And when you're born into a system, you don't really question it. You don't think about it. You know, I was born into kind of a health care system that, you know, predated me. So I just grew up and, you know, it was pretty interesting. whenever you got sick or you didn't feel well or something went wrong,

you just strolled on into a hospital. And they took care of you, man. You didn't get charged for stuff. It was pretty interesting. What they did is they gave you a little card. And I grew up in Ontario, and it was called an O-HIP card. And it was the Ontario Hospital and something or other plan. I don't remember what the letters stood.

for maybe it was an i-hop card maybe maybe we had free pancakes is what i'm trying to say that would be good national pancakes everybody get on the pancake plan not good for your health but good for your soul uh so we had the yet you had a little card it was like it looked like a credit card and it was like your social insurance number when you went to the hospital you had to give them your oh hip number and that was it you were covered and you can walk in, you could stroll into the emergency room, you could go see a doctor, and it was pretty amazing. I have to say, yeah, it was good.

Now, remember, I kind of had it when I was a kid, and I didn't really think that much about my health, but to the best of my memory, there were really no glitches. I don't ever remember going in to see a doctor or going into a hospital and then getting a bill at my house. or anything like that. It just, you gave them your O-HIP number and they built it to your O-HIP number. Now, maybe there's some technical levels that I'm not aware of.

I mean, I went in for general things, you know. I never went in. I mean, I went in for surgeries, like, you know, getting my tonsils out and things like that. But, you know, to the best of my knowledge, I think you're covered for most things. Now, that's the good side. And look, I got to tell you, it was. good. It was nice, you know, and it's not like I grew up in a poor family. Economics never had anything to do with it with my family. And to be honest, when you grow up in a system where

you're completely covered, you don't think about economics for anybody. You know, health care doesn't become a rich, a rich middle class or poor class affair. It's just, it's health care. and you never kind of knocked it down into a class system. Now, that being said, here's the downside of the system. And, you know, this is an argument you could have all night and day if you wanted. The only difference between, you know, the Canadian system and what you had in America up until a couple of months ago was you couldn't really just go and see whatever doctor you wanted.

You couldn't like, you couldn't, you know, if you had a tumor and they said you had five days to live, you pretty much had to get in line and wait till your turn came up, which in a way is a fair system. But in another way, if you live in a society the way the U.S. was, you know, if there's X amount of doctors and there's X amount of people that, you know, have the money to get something expedited, or if you had a family member that was sick but didn't have enough money and your whole family were to rally around and everyone threw in $1,000 and suddenly you had enough money to get your grandmother in pronto like the next day to be treated,

which sometimes could be the difference between life and death. That's a good thing here, but that's, I think that was the bad thing up there that you kind of had to wait in line no matter, matter what your condition was. And again, I could be off a little bit with some of that. But to the best of my recollection, and, you know, lately someone close in my family got, you know, stricken with cancer. And I can't say that the doctors and the system moved as expeditiously as we would

have liked. In fact, it took a lot longer than it would have had we flown that individual down to the United States. In fact, I'm going to tell you a story. I have a close friend. I won't say who, but a close friend of mine, his father was diagnosed with a form of cancer or a tumor or something. And it was not a good diagnosis. It looked like he, you know, it was pretty fatal. And he was part of the Canadian system, and they wanted to make him wait.

And my friend flew his father down and got him into surgery. the next day because he had the means to do it. Now you kind of go, oh, well, is that fair? I mean, does that mean the rich live longer than the poor, or the rich get to cut into the front of the line, and you go, maybe, but also you got to go, maybe there's more doctors in the states who have their own, you know, boutique industry

where they're set up for that type of thing. the same way you could go into a dentist who's not so good or you could go into a high-end dentist who does cosmetic dental surgery. You know what I mean? There's all levels of stuff for all levels of people. I mean, the main thing is as long as you can get care, as long as you can get help, you're good. So that was a bit of a drawback.

in terms of having to wait in line, and you've got to put yourself in that scenario. If that was you, if you knew you had a tumor or you knew you had a cancer or you knew you had something, and instead of getting in and having it operated on in two or three days,

you ended up waiting like two or three weeks or a month or more, let's face it. None of us want that. So that's maybe the downside to what I remember. And as I said, I don't remember at all. But, you know, so I think the upside was that everybody was covered and everybody could walk in. And you didn't have to walk around worrying about, you know, the huge expenses that come with being hospitalized and being sick.

The downside was you, you know, sometimes you had to lose crucial time waiting around. And maybe not being able to see the exact time. doctor you want. But for the most part, we went to our own doctors. You know, my parents picked out a family doctor, and that was the one we went to all through my childhood. And, you know, they would recommend specialists, and you'd go see this. It wasn't like the government was like, no, you have to go here to get your eyes checked. You have to go to Billy's Braceface eye braces. No. So, you know, it wasn't that bad. So I don't know how it's going to play out here.

That's the problem. I was talking about the Obama plan a couple of podcasts ago. And I think the problem here is that, like I said in my podcast, a lot of senators and government people have admitted to not even reading it. They don't know what's in it. And I think the majority of them have not read it and don't know what's in it. They don't know what laws they've passed. And because it's such a big law, it's very confused.

And, you know, as you can see right now, it's a mess. As I said in my last podcast, I hope it all evens out. Nothing would be better than everybody gets a shot at good health care. So it's just a question of how it plays out and how well it services everyone. That being said, I still think, and I hope I don't sound snobby, but I still think there is a place for people that if they have a really sick family member or they themselves are sick and they can pool the money together and the resources to kind of get kind of emergency surgery or kind of like get in there quickly, hopefully not pushing anyone to the back of the line,

but maybe going to a specialist or something because you can pay extra for that. I kind of hope that's still there because I think a lot of lives have been saved because of that. And again, I don't want that at the expense of other people, but I hope that they leave a boutique type of medical coverage in play so that in the event of dire circumstances, people like you and me and everyone we know and our grandparents could access that and maybe save their lives. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So for the most part, in conclusion, the Canadian system was really good.

I don't think the American system will be. exactly the same it certainly wasn't written after the canadian system um but i'm sure there'll be a lot of similarities and and for the record growing up in that system where i had and my family and everyone i know had free health care it was it was wonderful so hopefully all this nonsense all the bickering all the people that want to see it fail and all the people that are trying to make it work, but not doing a very good job, get their asses in gear. If everyone gets their asses in gear, I hope it all works out for the best that everyone has that coverage in their lives.

So there you go. I hope that answers your question. You know, it's a little bit vague because I don't know all the legislation and all the rules line by line, but overall, that's how I remember it and that's how I'm comparing it. So thanks for your call. It was a little serious, but that's fun sometimes, too. Makes me think about this stuff. You know, I probably wouldn't have thought of that if you hadn't asked me.

So thanks. Thanks for making me all depressed for that time that I was in the hospital for five days with my tonsils cut out, and all I could eat was ice cream and ginger ale. Isn't that horrible? Do you remember that when you were a kid? I don't know if you had your tonsils out, but, you know. It was like a nightmare scenario. It's like you're in a hospital.

You get your tonsils cut out. You're trapped in this hospital for three, four, five days. You're a kid, and all you can eat is ice cream and ginger ale and coke and jello. All the things a kid loves. And here's the catch. You just got your throat chopped up and you can't swallow anything. So it's like going to heaven, but you're like going to heaven, but you're the only guy there without wings.

You can't fly around. It's like, oh, my God. Torturous. I think they should just put, Baskin Robbins should make, like, ice cream drip bags, right? They should keep them frozen, you know, fill these drip bags,

these IV bags up with mint chocolate chip and Rocky Road. Well, Rocky Road would probably clog up the pipes, but, you know, Neapolitan and, rum and raisin and all the peanut butter and chocolate flavored chocolate fudge ice cream drip bags for the tonsil kids man those kids go in and it's like i can't eat ice cream my throat hurts don't worry kid we're gonna slap it in your vein oh my god i'm in heaven i don't want to go through puberty now then they just slam up get one of your veins

Give me a vein, kid. I want to pump some Coca-Cola and ginger ale in there. Yes, please. Oh, man. Who needs health care when you can live like that? Are you kidding me? Pass the duchy on the left-hand side, Nellie Pretato. The Harland Highway.

Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. Okay, this is kind of crazy and weird. but it's also kind of cute and nice. This little story I dug up is about the longest married couple in the United States. And before I start yakking about it, let me play the little blurb for you so you can know exactly what it is.

And then we'll get into it on the other end of it. Here it is. They eloped in a huff before her father could marry her off to an older man. And 81 years later, John and Ann Bittar are the longest married couple in America and still going strong. What's their secret? Well, marriage isn't a lovety-dovey thing, you know, for 80 years. You know, you've learned to accept one another's ways of life, agreements, disagreement. Disagreements on our children, preparation on bringing up your children.

kids. Now one hundred and two-year-old John chuckles when he thinks back about the couple's main source of disagreement. It's only about cooking. That's the only arguments we have. See, that's what he thinks. It's only about cooking. It's been a long time since the couple tied the knot and they've weathered hardships. Within the last 15 years, they lost two children to cancer. But they'd rather focus on the good times and what lies ahead for their 14 grandchildren and 16 great-grandchildren. Eighty-one years. Are you kidding me?

People these days can't even make it 81 days, man. 81 months is a huge giant leap for mankind. 81 years. The guy's 103. Holy smokes, man. How do you keep it together that long? How do you get through fights? I wonder how long, like, let's say you got in a fight and you decided, you know,

sometimes your way of getting back at your partners to give them the silent treatment. I wonder if there was ever, because they had so much time together, I wonder if there was like, I'm giving you the silent treatment for 11 years, you bastard. So you just better think twice before you make fun of my cauliflower ever again. I mean, that's crazy. and you got to admire it. And the guy's 103, still married, they're still articulate, they're still sounds like they have a sense of humor.

It's amazing. The sad part is that they outlived two of their kids. That's got to be weird. That's got to be weird. It's one thing, sadly, if you lose a kid when they're a kid, like when a kid's like 20 or younger and you lose a kid, that's probably like an accident or they had really bad health or something like that. But if your kids make it up over 20, 25 and they're kind of in the adult world,

doing the adult thing, and they die of kind of like natural causes or maybe one of them has a heart attack when they're like 54 or a stroke, it's just weird that the parents outlive the kids. It's got to be weird for the surviving kids. And it's also got to be weird for the parents. And if you believe in angels, it's got to be weird for the dead kids. They're sitting up there on a cloud, flapping their wings, looking down at their folks. And they're like, can you believe it?

Mom and dad are still gone, and we got the call to heaven? What the hell did we do wrong? Damn it! What a rip-off! so pretty amazing pretty amazing um i just don't know if that stuff exists anymore like that obviously they got married way back 80 years ago i wonder if you could say the same if someone got married today okay let's say somebody or maybe some of you have been married two three four five six years are you telling me people listening right now are going to be married in 80 years

jeez i hope i yeah if that's what you want i hope so but not i don't know man i just i'm everyone i meet seems to be divorced whether they're young or old or you know people are getting divorced when they're in their 50s their 60s and you know people in their 70s not many not many people hang on my folks are still hanging in there my my my mom and dad are still married i guess i guess i guess my mom and dad it's got to be maybe like 60 years or something coming up on 60 years maybe maybe a little more maybe around yeah maybe around 60 i think good lord that's a long time too um i had like a three-year girlfriend once oh oh so if you're out

there and you're married god bless you good luck man and uh keep holding hands until you're like a hundred and three. Hello, Alland. What are you doing here? Hello, Alland. I heard you the first time, and I said, What are you doing here? Holland.

What are you doing here, Dr. Ascot? Holland, it's time for your on-air therapy session. Oh, brother. Roger, why didn't you tell me? Holland. Well, I didn't remember it was on the book. Do we have to do it now? Yes, Arland, it's very important.

Oh, God. Please don't roll your eyes, Arland. Well, I mean, look at you. What? You're wearing like a chocolate-colored blazer and white shoes. What are you going golfing? Holland. Oh, God.

What are we talking about today? Holland, I overheard you talking in your last segment about wanting. a lasting relationship. Well, yeah, I haven't been very good at it. Holland, why don't we try and make it so that you can attain a long-lasting, healthy relationship? Well, you know, that actually sounds like it could be nice. I haven't had much luck.

Holland, why haven't you had any luck? Wrangling a woman. Wrangling a woman? What are you a cowboy? I don't know. I guess sometimes I think maybe I want someone perfect, or they're not, they're not perfect enough for something. I see, Arland. So you have a holier than thou attitude. No, I don't have a holier than thou attitude. It sounds to me like you're stuck up like a $5 fern bush. What?

Holland, why don't we do a little experiment to help you find a woman you can hold on to, Arland? Well, how do we do that? Holland, I think it's important we pick out

six different aspects of your perfect dream woman. What? I want you to pick three negatives, Arland, and three positives. and that might help us even out the playing field as they say, Arland. Oh, God. Oh, Alan.

Stop saying my name. Okay, what? Let me hear one positive thing about your perfect woman, Arland. Well, okay, I guess I'd be nice if she had a nice body. Excellent. And one negative, Arland. Well, what if her eyes were too far apart? What do you mean, Holland? Well, her eyes, she had big space between her eyes,

like her eyes were on the side of her temples. Like a hammerhead shark, Holland. Well, I don't mean it that much, but... But you do mean a hammerhead shark, Holland. Well, you know, now that you put it that way, yeah, I don't want a girl with a hammerhead shark face. Excellent, Arland. And now let's do another...

nice one okay nice nice I wish she had nice teeth I like nice teeth on a girl excellent allan and one more bad one well I don't what if she had crab fingers

Holland I'm sensing a large seafood theme here well you know I don't like girls with arthritic crumpled up they look like they have crab claws Holland well I'm just you told me to be honest excellent, Arland.

And one more nice thing, Arland. Well, what if she's... I like polite? If she's really polite... Oh, he's an asset, Arland. And one more bad thing. Um, I don't know. Long nose hairs.

You ever see the girls with the... They have hairs hanging out of their nose, but they come right down, like, almost over their lip. Yes, Holland. My wife has that. Oh, sorry. It's okay, Arland. I love it at death. What was that?

Nothing, Arland. What was that noise? It was just my stomach rumbling, Arland. Now, what I want you to do, Arland, is I want you to focus on the good things. And imagine yourself making out with your new girlfriend. Focus on the three good things. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I'm making out with my imaginary girlfriend. Oh, one, do it.

Oh, God. Okay, so I'm sitting there. I put my arm around my girl. And I've got my arm around her nice body. And I can't help but look at her breasts. Yes, Holland. But then she catches me looking at her breast because one of her eyes is on the side of her head. She's a hammerhead shark.

She caught me looking at her breasts. Holland, settle down, Holland. Well, I told you her eyes were too far apart. She should have been looking forward and, God. Holland, focus. All right, I'm looking at her nice teeth. She's smiling at me. She's smiling at me.

She reaches up to brush my cheek and her crab claw finger goes, right in my meaty fucking face. Ow! Our crab claws are in my cheek, Ascott. Arlen, stop it. Ow, it hurts.

She's pinching my face with her crab claws. Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! Sorry. I'm getting... I understand you're getting involved,

Arlen, but let's finish the exercise. All right, the last one was she's polite. She's being very polite. She's compliment I finally move in for the kiss and something gets between our lips. Oh my God, it's her nose hairs dangling down in between her lips and my lips. It's like kissing those things that hang down at a car wash, those hanging tentacle-like flapping sponges, wiggling out of her nose, getting in between our lips.

Oh, my God, I just puked in her hammer. head, shark mouth, Alland. Well, you told me... Holland, I feel ill now. Well, didn't you say your wife has long hanging nose hairs? What was that noise? Oh.

Are you okay? Ugh. I thought you said you loved your wife. Oh, I love my wife, Holland. Dr. Ascot? I think I'm going to go to the car wash, Holland. What? we're done allan thank you i i didn't think we were finished we didn't really resolve anything i'm gonna go puke in the back of my vokeswagon holland

dr ascot dr ascot dr ascot wow that you know what that's the first time roger that's the first time i haven't had to kick him out what do you mean he's out in the lobby what's he doing all right i'll open the door and look oh my god oh my doctor ask all over the floor get out of here oh my god look at the giant puddle he's left on the lobby floor get out of here ascot oh i'm going back in the studio good god oh holland oh god oh disgusting pig and a chocolate blazer and white shoes ugh God, what a horrible way to end the show. I've seen Dr. Ascot puk in the lobby. God, tell me when he's gone, Roger. Anyways, sorry we've got to end the show on that guy, but we got to end the show on that guy. But if you're looking for something to lift your spirits,

tomorrow night, December 10th, check it out. I will be at Largo. is a great kind of Gen X-style comedy room down on Lasziena Boulevard here in Los Angeles. It's right by Laszianega and Beverly. And I'm going to be doing a great, great, great, great stand-up show with all the comedians from the All Things Comedy Podcast Network, which I am a part of. I am featured on that network. A great, great place. And a whole bunch of us that have our podcasts on All Things Comedy,

All Things Comedy.com. Please check it out. And we're going to be doing a show, a live show, down there. So if you live in the L.A. area, please come in. Come into the show. Get your tickets. Go to the Largo. I guess it's Largo.com.

Or you can look it up on the Internet, Largo Theater, on Lasziena Boulevard. Get your tickets. I think this thing's probably going to sell out, but let's hope it does. Hope you're part of it. Hope you're there. And it should be good.

For those of you that want to see me do more stand-up, unfortunately, you won't get a chance until the new year. That's right. The new year, 2014, ladies and gentlemen, 2014, look out. I will be in Orlando, Florida, January 2nd to January the 5th. That's a Thursday through a Friday, kicking off the year in Orlando. And then January 9th to the 12th, you can catch me back in California at the Irvine Improv in Irvine, California, which is Orange County.

By the way, Orlando is also an improv, so check it out. Make sure you go to harlonewilms.com if you want to write to me. Harlowelliams.com, you can send me an email if you want to chat or if you'd rather leave me a phone message. As you hear, we play them. 323-739-43330. That's 323-739-43-33. Don't forget to go to Harlan Williams.com and check out our store.

We have a great store with some real fun Christmas gift ideas, paintings, CDs, movies, artwork, T-shirts, CDs, all that stuff, books, all kinds of great stuff for you there. So check that out. As I said, check out all things,com. If you can, subscribe to my YouTube channel. We're going to be putting up a lot of great videos in the new year. You don't want to miss out on the funny, funny, and kind of we got some real interesting videos coming in 2014. Let me just leave it there.

You are going to dig it. Get subscribed to my YouTube channel, which you can subscribe to at Harlanwilms.com. You can also join my Twitter feed there at Harlan Williams. and also join up at the Harland Highway Facebook page. It's all there at Harlan Williams.com. That's where you've got to be. Hey, thanks so much for being here, everybody. Had a great time.

Hope you enjoyed yourself. Go get married or something. We'll see you at Largo. Good old Largo on Tuesday, December 10th, tomorrow night. And until then, ladies and gentlemen, watch out for those girls with the temples on their eyes and chicken chalming baby Oh!