The Harland Highway - 536 - MILEY CYRUS interviewed on The PARSLEY PAPERS.

Episode Date: December 12, 2013

MILEY CYRUS is interviewed on The PARSLEY PAPERS today by Charles Parsley. Also, the fine art of giving holiday speeches, and the office Christmas party and a Christmas party song. Gaggle my Google! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you see what I see a podcast, a podcast burning in the night? Okay, enough. That's not a real Christmas carol. Hello, everybody. Harlem Williams here. You are on the Harland Highway. And welcome to the show. Great show tonight, today, this morning.

Whenever you listen to it, whatever time of day you listen to it, I shouldn't be presumptuous and pick that time of day for you. That's up to you. But today we are going to be talking about Christmas parties, in particular, your office Christmas party. We're actually going to be playing a Christmas party, office Christmas party Christmas carol from Toby Huss. We're going to be talking about people giving speeches at Christmas parties, always a little awkward. We will discuss. There is etiquette. Also, I'm going to read one of my Twitter followers' tweets to me that just cracked me up.

It does involve yeast infections. So we'll get into that. And then lastly, oh my God, it's the Parsley Papers with Crack reporter Charles Parsley. Incredible guest today. Today, Charles has an exclusive interview with Pop Sensation Miley Cyrus. So you don't want to miss that. It's all going down right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway. Hey-yo. There's glasses. I will find you. My mom always said, you can't handle the truth. Many, many years of therapy.

Many, many, many. Fucking years of therapy. And I will kill you. Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Holland Highway.

I'll tell you when you never know what you're going to get. And this is a word of warning, a caution, airy tale to all you pavement pounders. It's the holidays coming up. And a lot of times during the holidays, people get sentimental or they get all fuzzy inside or they get emotional or they get excited, whatever it is. And a lot of times at gatherings, family gatherings, people have a tendency to want to stand up in front of everybody and give a speech. Somehow they feel compelled to stand up and say, excuse me, everyone.

Can I have everyone just quiet down for a minute? Can I just have the floor for a minute here? I just want to say thank you to everyone for being here. oh my god i'm just in love with all of you i never talked to you for the whole year but now i'm madly in love with you and i'm so grateful that you're in my life even though i never talked to you or email you or phone you or anything and there's ed over there ed's the uh ed's you know ed's the one who uh farts all the time and uh there's carol uh you know when she's not busy being a drunk she's just fabulous and There's Paul, my brother, and his kids who I wish they'd, you know, get duct tape put over their mouths, noisy little bastards.

So my point is, a lot of times these speeches don't go well, gang. A lot of times stuff comes out that's maybe uncomfortable or maybe hard to hear or the person given the speech doesn't really have a filter or they're not good at expressing themselves. or they're not really good of being politically correct, so they try to do some jokes or say some humor. And I've got to tell you, I've been at some events where you get the guy or the girl up there talking and they're saying stuff about everyone, and you can just feel these people shrivel up inside, man.

Like the person will say something, they'll think they're being cute and charming, and they'll reveal something about the person they're addressing, or they'll single someone out at the party, or they'll say something that's totally off-color or could be even racist or could be sexist or could be just kind of pervy and gross. So I'm just saying, you know,

before you are the guy or the girl that gets up there and jumps on the soapbox and, p.S. alcohol doesn't usually help. Maybe map it out a little. I mean, I'm all for speaking from the heart. the emotions flow and maybe that's the fun of it maybe i'm wrecking it but i've seen some people get embarrassed have their feelings hurt uh feel singled out uh you know so just you know i'm just saying it's fun to get up there and i'm all for sharing the love even if it is just that once a year

thing and and these people are overwhelmed by the moment and let's face it a lot of us never express ourselves so i'm not saying don't get it out there I guess what I'm really saying is just be a little careful before you open your mouth and don't be the guy that comes off looking like a drunk buffoon and saying a bunch of stuff where the rest of the party people are like talking under their breath. Did you hear about Cindy and all the drinking she's doing? And what was that about Dave with the DUI? I didn't know he was driving drunk.

And Barbara's having an affair with Michael? When did this happen? And does Kevin know? Oh, my God. And I never knew everyone thought I smelled. What the hell? What's going on here? Right?

So you don't want to set the party off to a weird thing where suddenly it's a gossip fest and people are upset and someone's crying in the bathroom and a couple of... Well, I'm leaving. I mean, oh, my God, I never knew you thought we were such assholes. I'll see you later, prick. Mom and Dad? Huh? So just be aware Make sure you're not the buffoon

Have fun Pour your heart out Tell people you love them Even if you don't You know even if it's just something that comes over you Have a laugh Have a good time But just be a little

A little aware Of where you're going with stuff And what you're going to say Because it's the holidays You're supposed to feel good Not bad You want to share You want to connect

but you don't want to give up too much information on people. You don't want to get too beneath the surface, okay? Take them in a private room and do that in private. You don't need to announce everyone's dirty laundry or embarrass people in front of the whole room. Just a little tip from me to you, a holiday tip. And speaking of probing and getting in depth with people, Uh, I guess, Roger, are we going to this now?

Yeah, it looks like we're going to it. We have an incredible, uh, interview. Uh, Charles Parsley is here with the Parsley Papers, and it looks like Charles got a scoop and was able to pick up an interview with, uh, rock sensation, Miley Cyrus. So let's go, Roger, throw it to Charles Parsley and the Parsley papers. Hello, everybody. I'm Charles Parsley.

and welcome to the Pazley Papers, the exciting news chat show that dares to take on old comers. Politicians, sports figures, celebrities, and newsworthy people alike. So sit back, get ready, to hear the questions that no one dares to ask on the Pazley Papers. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Charles Parsley, and you are on the Parsley Papers, and today we have an incredible special guest, pop music sensation, teen idol icon, Miley Cyrus is in the hot seat today. And let's start the questioning, tough as nails, straight out of the gate. Miley Cyrus, first of all, let me welcome you to the Pazley papers. I'm into it because...

Let me cut you off right there, Miss Cyrus. Now, would you agree or disagree, Miley Cyrus, that for a young teenage girl, you have a very, very deep husky voice? Yeah. And are the rumours true that you, in fact, Miley Cyrus used to be named Michael Cyrus, And you, Miley Cyrus, were a boy. Yeah. And therefore, you at one time had a penis?

Yeah. My goodness, Miley Cyrus. And what happened to your penis? I got it caught in a blender. So therefore, you are confirming for our listeners right here on the Parsley papers that you, Miley Cyrus, are in fact a little boy. I'm not going to lie. But how can you be a little boy, Miley Cyrus, when you have,

No penis. Well, now it's all right. It's grown back. So you are a boy? Yes. Well, you've heard it here first on the Parsley papers, ladies and gentlemen. When you first lost your penis in the blender, how did you feel, Miley Cyrus? Brokenhearted. And when they reattached your penis, did you have any feelings?

Did you have any wishes or expectations of the new penis? I just want it to be like long. And if you could describe what you're not. new penis looks like. In one word, Miley Cyrus, what is that word? Miley Cyrus, with your deep, rich, baritone manlike voice, is there any truth to the rumor that Miley Cyrus will be starring in the remake of the Green Mile reprising the role of the late great Michael Clark Duncan, that unforgettable, strapping black prisoner with the deep thunderous, booming voice.

Um... Yes, is that a yes or a no? It's kind of weird, I'm getting so many people, like, writing to me about it. It's kind of weird that I'd like... Mr. Cyrus, are you going to act in the Green Mile remake? Yeah. Excellent. And now switching gears, Miley Cyrus,

you recently smoked drugs live on stage at a video award show in Europe. Yes. And where did you get the drugs, Miley Cyrus? At 7-Eleven. And when you take the drugs, how does it make you feel? Really high, super trippy. And in your mind, when you get super high and super trippy, do you go somewhere else?

Do you trip out and go to another place in your mind? Disneyland. I see. And when you go to these, quote, trips to Disneyland, What do you see there, Miley Cyrus? A cat looking at a baby. And what else do you see Miley? Teddy bears. I think the teddy bears are cool.

The teddy bear. Now, is the teddy bear with us right now as we speak, Miley Cyrus? He's here this weekend, so I'm, like, pretty exciting. And when you're stoned out of your man-girl head, Miley Cyrus, what do these images, these fabrications in your mind mean? Where the deer looks in the mirror. That's supposed to kind of represent, like, people, you know, when he's seeing multiple of himself, if you've seen the video, he's looking there, and he looks really sad.

It kind of looks like the dork that's, like, kind of dressed up to try to fit in and be cool. The dork, meaning the teddy bear? Yeah. And last question, Miley Cyrus, here on the Pazley Pazley Papers. If you could describe your music in one word, what would that word be? What? Exactly. Thank you very much. A probing, interesting conversation with pop sensation, Miley Cyrus. That's all we have time for today. I'm Charles Parsley, and these are the Parsley papers.

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I want to move on. I want to share a tweet with you that I received. somebody on my Twitter page tweeted me. And by the way, if you want to get in on my Twitter action, it's just me, at Harland Williams. Easy to find, just my name, at Harland Williams. But anyways, I was doing a show, a Thanksgiving show with my friend Tom Papa for a serious satellite radio last week.

A couple of weeks ago, actually. It was a Thanksgiving Day show. And there was a bunch of people in the crowd, and, you know, there was some people yelling out and started talking and blah, blah, and I, you know, I always talk to the crowd. And some girl and I got into it started talking about, I think we started talking about Thanksgiving dinner and the buns and the food and the, I don't know. But somehow the word yeast came up and yeast infection and this girl and I were going back and forth in the audience. And I called her Yeasty. I just, you know, out of nowhere, you know, when you're improvising, things just pop into your head. And so out of the middle of nowhere, I said, okay, yeasty or something like that.

So she tweeted me a day later. And she goes, Harland Williams, I am having people call me Yeasty now. Thank you in advance for a lifetime of loneliness and unreachable men. and I'll just give you your first name Chelsea or Chelsea it's a weird name I never know how to say it is it Chelsea C-H-E-L-S-E-A Chelsea or is it Chelsa I think it's Chelsea or Yeasty is it Yeasty or Yasty I think the Yeasty thing will wear off buddy Don't let it freak you out.

I think you'll get yeast-free before long. We don't want people forget about the show. You know, just go from there. So there you go. Free nickname for a little while. Maybe only around Thanksgiving. They'll pull it out. It'll be like a holiday tradition.

Well, it's November 22nd. Time to change your name, Kelsey to Yeasty. Oh, damn it. So there you go. That's the risk you run when you're jamming, when you're improvising with comedians, man. When you're at a club and they're up on stage

and you decide to chime in in the middle of their act and try to be more funny or try to get involved. Sometimes it backfires on you, man, and you end up with a yeasty name. But anyways, it was all in good spirits, all in good fun. Your tweet cracked me up. I can tell that you're kind of laughing about it, too. Yeah, people are calling me yeasty now.

Thank you in advance for a lifetime of loneliness and unreachable man. God, that damn yeast, huh? So there you go. And you know what? And speaking of Thanksgiving and the holidays and, you know, Christmas is coming up. I think it's only fitting we have another Christmas song. I'm going to go back to the well. My buddy Toby Huss has a great Christmas CD out there.

It's called Rudy Kassoni Snowballs, and it's full of great, funny, clever Christmas songs. And there's one here called The Office Christmas Party that I want to play for you. I'm sure a lot of you listening are probably listening to the podcast at work, in your office, in your cubicle, at your desk, wherever. So this one goes out to all you guys who have to either enjoy or suffer through the office Christmas party. Here it is Toby Huss as Rudy Kassoni and singing Office Christmas Party. Take it away. the pretty lights are blinking you're getting pretty stinking at the office

Christmas party on the nog called the boss to suck it merrily and kissed your secretarily she slapped your face and left the room a gog a pick to fight with taut from shipping then you started stripping off your pants down to your red and green G string You baffed in your new briefcase On the client database You're really cruising now The party's in full swing

Because this is your night Sir, you've worked hard all year It's your American right To drink up your Christmas cheer You set the Christmas tree on fire You really had to admire When you pissed it out that really showed some class

staggered to the copy room huffed on some tone of fumes then made xeroxes of your pimply eyes because this is your night Sir, you've worked hard all year It's your American ride To drink up your Christmas cheer You stuck a postage on your balls

With set decked the halls Then you painted white out snowflakes on your cock Passed out in the elevator I woke sometime later Getting cranked off by Jim from the Lodendock Because this is your night Oh brother You worked hard hard

All goddamn year It's your right baby To drink up your Christmas cheer Like a whistle, too. It's kind of infectious. Yeah. song's kind of infectious. That is a funny song. And please, if you want the whole album, you've got to go on the internet, Amazon, or look up Rudy Kassoni, C-S-O-N-I, and the album's called

Snowballs, S-A-N-O-Balls. And that's my buddy Toby Huss doing all the singing. He put those songs together and funny, funny stuff. You know, the office party is a weird thing. thing i remember ladies and gentlemen there was a point in time when i actually worked in an office not many of you know this but you know there was a time between when i got out of college and i started my stand-up comedy career there was like a two-year window where i'd never done comedy and so you can't make money just saying well i'm going to be a comedian you got to work your way up and and hope you get good and hope people like you and hope you can start making money doing gigs.

And it took me about two years to kind of get to that point from ground zero to two years where I was able to walk away from my job. But I worked in a government building, in a government office building on the 12th floor. The whole building was full of government workers. And they did a Christmas party, a big Christmas party. party for everyone. Not the whole building, but just for the two floors that kind of work together.

Believe it or not, I worked in the mailroom for the police in the accounts receivable department. So I worked on a floor full of accountants, all kinds of like a sea and ocean of accountants. I would look out of my mailroom and just see accountant after accountant. and it was like an ocean. And they all just sat at the ratting machines all day, and there was fat man, there were skinny man, there were old men, there were young men,

there were middle-aged people. It was a real collection of civil servants. And kind of unusual environment for a guy like me because I was super like artsy and creative, and I was always pushing everyone's buttons and putting drawings on the wall and making jokes. jokes and causing trouble.

I was like the nutty mailroom guy. And, you know, I maintained the photocopy machines, and I had to deliver the mail around. So anyways, I got to know everyone over the two years. And so it was our floor and then the floor below us. We kind of worked in tandem with the floor below us. And so the Christmas party was for both floors. And I'd never been around that kind of environment before, you know, working people, civil servants, people doing the 9 to 5 thing. And I got to be honest, these people did not seem super thrilled with their existence.

It was kind of like one of those, the government pays for all your health, all your dental, all your eyes, you get a pension, you got a steady job, you get three weeks of holidays a year. It's impossible to get fired. yada, yada, yada. Pretty attractive if you just want, you know, kind of middle-of-the-road security. And so most of these people had settled into that life, and I'm not knocking them. Look, life's hard. You got to take it where you can get it, and you got to figure out your lot in life and figure out what you want and how hard you want to work.

So these people ended up there. And I got to tell you, there was a point in time when I stared at my own reflection and was like, hmm, this is pretty easy. What do I want to go chasing comedy for? What do I want to go be an artist for? What do I want to just throw myself into that unstable, unsure world of freelance? I'm here, man. I got in.

I got in. I'm here. I got a health plan. I've got a pension. You get an automatic little raise every year. I mean, I'm locked. And I looked at myself in that mirror and I went, uh, not good enough. You only live once, man.

You only live once. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm not going to be tempted by this free ride. I'm not going to be tempted by the comfort zone. Yeah, it's easy. This is the easy way to go, but is it going to fulfill me? Is it going to make me grow? Is it going to make me challenge myself?

Is it going to make me do what I want to do when I look back at the end of my life? Sorry, man, enough for me. um i just just i'm just not wired that way and i'm not again i'm not knocking anyone that is god god bless you for you know just finding anything in life and life is tough but anyway so here i am i'm in the middle of this uh this sea of accountants and of course being the mailroom guy i'm part of all the activity and guess who gets invited to the uh the party guess who gets invited to the uh the christmas party yeah that's right me ever been to something like this with kind of this older group of people i was like 24 23 24 just out

of college i was like a young kid no body fat long hair looking to get laid looking to have fun trying to figure out the world still not sure what i was going to do with my life blah blah blah and suddenly i'm i'm at a christmas party with all these these kind of middle-aged people that have settled in and have kids and have a pattern and have a routine and kind of know where they're going and what they want to do. And I got to tell you, I was surprised when I got to the party. You know, I didn't realize that alcohol was such a loose cannon, man. These people were, there were people there that had just been quiet and timid and suddenly

like, you know, 35, 45-year-old women are wanting to slow dance with me and grinding on me. and get that drunk look in their eyes. You know, Harlan, you're really cute. And I'm just standing there like, what? Mrs. Hazleton from accounting with the three kids and the husband? Yeah, you're really cute. I've been watching you. I'm like, holy God.

And then I start looking around. I'm not saying everybody was like that, but a lot of people, man, I realized when you have, you know, how do I, put this delicately when you have a little bit of a more mundane existence at work which some people just do there's people that stand at a punch press all day there's people that push a pencil all day there's people that add numbers all day so that's a bit of a mundane existence when the opportunity comes to cut loose and pour some vodka down your throat holy smokes you know i was a guy that was kind of loose and free i could do anything i wanted in life i still had everything

wide open in front of me, man. No, no marriage, no kids, no house, no real lifelong job career yet. And here I was in the middle of all these established people that were kind of locked in, man. And it was interesting to see them cut loose and, you know, some of them, you know, you'd never expect them to be dancing,

but you'd see them like dancing and going crazy, and they had kind of that older people dance but they're trying to look hot trying to still grind it out the way the young kid did and then you'd see some people still trying to stuff their kind of heavier bodies into their younger time clothes and it was pretty wild and then you kind of got a little glimpse into who like too too you know you're like let's say all bets were off and you were allowed to have affairs and there was no repercussion you you kind of saw you saw you saw

people come together and start flirting you're like oh my god there's a ed from uh accounting over there with uh with uh barbara from uh receivables you're like y what look at them staring each other down they've been talking for a long time they've been dancing uh quite a bit why is his hand on her shoulder huh so a lot of weird stuff at the old uh staff christmas party man um keep keep your uh keep your eyes peeled keep your eyes on your fries as they say and uh wherever you are uh you know who cares it's just living i hope you have fun and uh you know what if there's someone there you've always had the the the hunger for well hell drink a few drinks and go up and tell them you know karen i've always like i've always had a thing for you

You know, just because I'm a janitor and you work for the vice president in that nice office with the window, there's no reason why either I can't make love to you on your desk or you can't come down to my janitor's closet and get it on. Hopefully it's not that drastic, but let us know. if you have something go on at your holiday party, we want to hear about it. Tell us your story. 323-739-4-3-3-0. Yeah, you can tell.

You don't have to leave your name, but if some funny event or some weird romantic thing happens, some giant flirtation or you see the boss doing something with somebody, they shouldn't, yeah, we want to hear about your wacky Christmas party, your office Christmas party. 323 739 4330 can't wait to hear the pavement pounder stories coming in on that one and we'll leave it right there folks you can email me too at harlornwilliams.com if you so desire but like I said feel free to phone leave a message it doesn't have to be the Christmas party but 323 739 43330 is the number the magic number

Don't forget to check out harlone williams.com. Lots of great Christmas present ideas on there. T-shirts, artwork, music, books, all kinds of stuff. All kinds of fun for you down there. You can order and we'll mail stuff out to you. And if you're in for some holiday cheer, some laughter, and you're living in the Los Angeles Hollywood area, Come on down to the Comedy Store on Monday night, December 16th.

We are doing a comedy benefit where all the proceeds from our comedy show are going to help people less fortunate. I think we're sending money to the war vets and wonderful causes like that to, you know, assist people that don't have what they need or they have stuff but they need a little more. So please, please come down and support. We'll be at the Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard on Monday, December 16th, at 8 o'clock, and I really hope you can make it down and throw a little money towards a great cause. And at the same time, you get some great holiday laughter in your belly. Good way to start off Christmas. And what else can I tell you?

Don't forget at the beginning of the year, I will be doing my first gig of 2014. in Orlando, Florida, at the Improv. Oh, yeah, what a great club. I actually opened that club two years ago as the first comedian ever to perform there. So January 2nd to January 5th, the Orlando Improv, and then back in Los Angeles, on January 9th to January 12th,

I will be at the Irvine Improv in Orange County. Great, great facility there, and that's it. So there you go, And keep on whistling. Happy holidays as we get closer and closer. And don't forget, put stuff under the tree. And as always, enjoy some chicken chau-main, baby. Thank you.

Thank you.