The Harland Highway - 537 - A visit with Harland's boss MR. FEATHERSTONE, Xmas songs and lights.

Episode Date: December 16, 2013

Harland get forced into an unusual situation by his boss Mr. Featherstone, also words to Xmas songs, and new fangled Xmas lights. Xmas movie talk too. Flick your Twix!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I want to play the reindeer games with all the other reindeer, Santa. The hell was that? I think it was a line from Rudolph, but I don't think it was either. I just, I don't know. I must have the Christmas fever, ladies and gentlemen. And we're going to be talking about Christmas and Christmas fever today on the show. This is Harlem Williams. You are on the Harland Highway podcast.

Broadcasting from the North Pole. No, we're not. I guess I've got the fever. We're going to be talking about Christmas songs. Do you know your Christmas songs? Do you know the words to them? No. What about your Christmas lights?

Guess what? Christmas lights have gone through some changes that I don't know if I'm able to handle. Wait a you hear about this. Also, I am going to be recommending a Christmas movie for you to watch this year. It's not your typical Christmas movie. It's kind of out there. But I'm convinced if you wash it, it will grow on you that you will like it. So we're going to be playing a few clips from a movie called Bad Santa.

And then it looks like I have to go up and visit my boss today, Mr. Featherstone. I don't know if it's Christmas related or what, but I have to go up and see that son of a, I don't like going up there. But I like being here. I hope you do too. It's the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I will look for you.

Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway. Hey-oh. And as classic. I will find you. My mom always said. You can't handle the truth. Many years of therapy.

Many, many, many. Fucking years of therapy. I will kill you. Listen, lame, brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful, and I am not sure I know the words. Do you know the words to all your Christmas carols, ladies and snartle babblaggans? I don't think so. I think we all know, like, key lines. Key words like silent night, holy night, all is lost, I like rice. Or, you know, oh little town of Bethlehem where he laid down in the bed,

he couldn't get a room at the motel six, because it's all they had. I don't know. I played my best for him. That one's easy. Little drummer boy, the lyrics are like, Parapa bum bum, rapa bum, rubba bum, how hard is it to remember rubba bumpa pampum? Although I don't know the rest.

After the Ruppapapum goes, I don't know what the hell else they're saying. We three kings of Orientar Bearing gifts We traveled afar Westward leading Still proceeding Bearing gifts

From afar Don't know the rest of it Didn't even get that part right So anyways look Just nine days till Christmas Oh my God I'm so excited.

I'm having the submergotroid. I'm so excited, even. I can't wait to open my Christmas presents, even. I wonder if people from other religions or faiths get excited around Christmas because it just permeates the air. I mean, it's everywhere, man. You know, you can't avoid Christmas. It's like a tsunami of a holiday.

Like the advertising, the decorations, the presence of people dressed Christmassy, the carols in the air, the parades. I wonder if people of other faiths or religion, Jewish people, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists. Do you guys, if you're listening, if any of you guys are listening, do you just kind of get excited about Christmas by kind of like, Like a contact high. You know when people smoke dope around you and you're not smoking, but there's so much dope smoke in the air, you can't help but breathe it in? You start getting all like stoned up or something. Is that what happens to people of other faiths and religions?

Do you get that feeling inside? Do you get all Christmassy? Or are you like, whatever? When's this crap going to stop? It's a good question worth putting out there, I think. If you want to comment on it, by golly, by golly, if you want to reply to that and let me know, I'd love to hear, man. It's something I've never really asked before, and I'm sure everyone would like to hear. 323-739, 4330.

If you're of a different religion, a different faith, let us know. are you affected by Christmas? Does it impact you positively, negatively? Do you get kind of caught up in it? Or is it annoying and stupid and bothersome? Interesting. You know, sometimes it's hard not to get sucked into something when it's so massive, you know,

when something so big is going on. I don't know if you've ever been around a parade that had nothing to do with you. Like in Toronto, I used to have this parade called Carabana, which celebrated kind of the Caribbean people and their lifestyle and the colorfulness and the music. And if you get anywhere near that parade,

you couldn't help but get sucked into it. The colors and the music and the festivities. It's like the Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans. It's like, you know, there's excitement in the air. There's happiness. There's celebration. it's probably a little irresistible to most human beings, no matter what their disposition is.

So let us know, man. Let us know if it affects you. And just nine days to go. And what's weird is the closer you get to it, the more exciting it gets. And one of the traditions we do when we celebrate Christmas is we love to watch Christmas movies. There are classic movies like a Christmas carol and a Christmas. story and it's a wonderful life miracle on 50 second street or whatever that one is so there's all kinds of movies but here's a Christmas movie that's a little rougher around the edges

and I want to play you a clip from this movie because it's probably you know not on a lot of people's traditional radar but it's a real edgy Christmas movie called bad Santa and It's with Billy Bob Thornton and Lauren Graham, and it's about this guy who's a criminal, he's a thief, he's a con artist, and him and his partner who dresses as a Christmas elf, every year they infiltrate malls as a Santa Claus and elf. They get hired as the mall Santa Claus and elf, and then while they're doing that, they stake the place out and rob it blind before anyone knows what happened. and then they just buzz off and move on to another mall the next year. And Billy Bob Thornton just plays a miserable human being. He's like the worst Santa ever. He swears.

He cusses. He drinks. He has sex in the change rooms at the mall. And then all of a sudden one day this fat little kid comes along who really believes in Santa. And this kid's a chubby little kid with red cheeks. and his head looks like a cauliflower. He's got little golden curls of hair, little blue eyes, pudgy cheeks. He's a little chubby kid, and he's as sweet as he can be.

And one day after he visits Santa at the mall, he gets abused by Billy Bob Thornton as Santa. But he's so infatuated with Santa, and he thinks Santa is so real that he waits for Billy Bob after work. Billy Bob gets into an altercation in the parking lot, and the little kid comes up and rescue Santa. So Billy Bob offers to give this little kid a ride home, and he's still in his, you know, beer-stained, drool-stained Santa suit.

And this kid is a lonely fat kid who gets picked on and he's just convinced that Billy Bob Thornton is the real Santa. So here's a clip from Bad Santa. It's one fucking time I take you. home, okay? Uh-huh. Not your fucking dad-da. Uh-huh.

It's not like you help me back there with that nut job or anything, you know? Uh-huh. In the right height, you're right there to grab his balls. You can twist them. Why do you need a car? What the fuck you're talking about? This car. Which turn is it?

Seed sheriff. Where's your sleigh? It's in the shop, getting repaired. Where is the reindeer? I stable them. Is it left or right? That way. the stable next to the shop how do they sleep where the reindeer is standing up but the noise

how do they sleep what noise from the shop they only work during the day all right i thought it was always night at the most poor well not now right now it's always day then how do they sleep oh shit sage terrace what is it with you anyway somebody drop you on your fucking head on my head well yeah what are they going to drop you on somebody else's head how can they drop me onto my own head no On to your... God damn it! Are you fucking with me? Okay, which house is it?

I tell you, this kid, the kid in this movie, Bad Santa, is like the sweetest, most lovable, innocent kid you've ever seen. And, you know, I don't know where they found this kid, but if they didn't cast this kid, the movie wouldn't have worked. It's just a beautiful chemistry between this fat little. boy who just believes that Billy Bob Thornton is Santa and Billy Bob Thornton who plays this horrible, vile, self-absorbed guy who doesn't give a crap about anyone else in the world but himself and suddenly he's disarmed by this kid who has unconditional love for him and just be warned

it's it's rough around the edges, there's tons of foul language, it's an R-rated movie, but if you can get around that, there's a real charm and a real softness to this movie that kind of defies logic. And it's definitely worth putting on your movie Christmas list. It's different than any other Christmas movie, but at the end of the day, it's got tons of heart. It's very moving at the end. And if you're not offended by really foul language, which there's a lot of, and there's a little bit of violence, but it's worth seeing. It's a really good, funny twist on the Christmas story. So check it out, Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa.

Santa? Is that your underwear? Part of it. Where the hell's the rest of it? No, actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. What do you want? I was thinking I wanted to purple stuffed elephant, not pink.

But now I changed my mind. Yeah, what? Now I don't want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davey for beating up his skateboard kids who pull on my underwear, and he could take his orders from the talking walnut, so it wouldn't be my bad thing. Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla, and I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time, and I went crying home to my daddy, and you know what he did?

He made it all better? No, he kicked my ass. You know why? Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes? What the fuck? No. He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man? No, it's because he was a mean, drunk, son of a bitch.

And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've got to take what you need when you can get it. You've got to learn to stand up for yourself. You're going to have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids into balls or something. Or no, shit, I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it. Now, get on out of here.

Okay. Thanks, Santa. Oh, God. Just another little teaser. You got to catch this movie. I won't play any more for it. I don't want to ruin it. But I tell you, man, it's a sad, disturbing yet very touching, funny, edgy Christmas movie.

Bad Santa. And speaking of Bad Santa, how many of you have been bad underneath the Christmas tree? Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Well, I want to get to a Christmas carol, another great Christmas carol from my buddy Toby Huss. He has a great Christmas album out called Snowballs, S, apostrophe, N-O, Snowballs. And he does a character named Rudy Carsoni, who's like the bad Santa of Frank Sinatra's.

Rudy's like a foul-mouth Frank Sinatra crooner guy. And Toby has his great CD out. You can get it on Amazon or just check out Rudy Kassoni snowballs on the internet. And here we go. This is a Christmas carol about, you know, getting it on. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Under the old Christmas tree. Are you a bad Santa?

It's a cold December. It's a cold December. It's a cold December, 10 feet of snow. fall spent six hours flighting crowds at the mall I get back home you say now trim the tree but under those branches there's no trim for me ho ho ho ho ho

oh oh I said a chill baby my ass is a block of ice I'm gonna be crapping cubes and that's putting it nice my nuts flew north to get warm in my chest hope you didn't it me another

Christmas best The only present I want muffin is you by the fire huffing and huffin giving me some of your Christmas stuffing It's an old family recipe Meena Reiki potatoes

I had to fight up broad over your new mink coat Before they wrapped it up the broad Punched me in a throat For all of my work What do I get back Couple new neck ties for last year's tie rack How about next year you shop And I stay home

You grow brave The crowds I'll wait here and moat I'll put on a dress And some nice lipstick When you get back Guess what? You ain't a getting dick The only present I want Muffin is you by the fire

Huffin and puffin Give me some of your Own Rudy Christmas stuffing Frupa, frupa, frupa, frupa, frupa. Yeah. I like that. Chazzy. Yeah, Christmas stuffing.

Oh, will you be getting something? So you be getting some muffin? That's my buddy Toby Huss. Please find his CD on the internet. It's called Rudy Casoni Snowballs. And many more amazing, jazzy, sonatra-esque funny songs on there. Another tradition we do at Christmas is put up the Christmas lights. And here's something that kind of freaked me out this year, okay?

Over the years, over the decades, you know, the Christmas lights have changed. They come in different configurations, they come in different sizes, they come in different looks, you know, used to be just the string lights. Now they have like the icicle lights and they used to have just the straight lights. Now they got the blinking lights and blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, it was always light, right? You can't tweak light. Well, guess what? I bought some new Christmas bulbs this year, and I put them up, and of all things, the light was different.

And I know you're going, what the hell is he talking about the light? What is he wrong with him? Is he got Christmas fever that guy or something? Why is he talking like that? Well, I'll tell you what I'm talking about. The actual light that radiates out of the bulb, it's not that kind of glowing light that you put in a Christmas bulb, and it kind of glows the light out into the darkness until it fades. It's his weird new light.

I don't know if it's called incandescent light. I don't know that science... I'm not a light scientist. I'm not Flash Gordon. I don't know light terms, but I'm telling you the light, it's contained. It's this new type of bulb or there's new type of light they've created, and it just sits inside the bulb, and it lights the bulb, but it doesn't illuminate the surrounding area.

It's very peculiar. It's a very odd light. It almost looks like fake light. But yet it still lights up in the dark. I can see it. The colors are bright and luminescent, but they're very contained. It's like this very focused light that stays within the colored bulb and doesn't shed light and, you know, cast a glow on every.

anything surrounding it, which is something that Christmas lights have always done. And I don't know if you, you must know what I'm talking about, but it's, when you're looking at bulbs, you'll see what I mean, and I can't think of the technical term, but it's, it's a weird light. It's a weird Christmas light. It's not what I'm used to, and I don't know if I find it as warm and glowy and kind of soft. as the traditional light that I grew up with. You know, the one where you look into the bulb and you can see the little coily thing

and the filament and all that stuff. Now I just think it's some kind of magic space Christmas beans in the light. There's the orange light, a yellow light, a blue light, a green light, a yellow light. But I think there's weird alien space crystals inside the light bulbs now. It's almost like a cold light.

so I don't know if I like it I'm I've got them up now but I might change them out next year I don't know if I'm loving this kind of precision light so there you go what hold on gang just one second

what do you mean no Roger no I'm in the middle of my pot I'm doing the like this is a Christmas podcast what he wants to see me now Oh, great. What does he want? I don't know what he wants. Oh, boy.

Roger's telling me through the window, gang. Roger, my producer, is telling me that my boss, Mr. Featherstone, wants to see me immediately up on the 12th floor. What's it all about? I don't know. Roger's holding up like a Christmas sign. It's a Christmas thing?

Yes, sir. Okay, well, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe he wants me to organize a staff Christmas party or something. Okay, well, folks, you know what? I'm just going to go up live. I'm leaving my mic on. I don't care if everyone's listening. We'll make it part of the show.

Okay, I've got to go up and see my boss, Mr. Featherstone, on the 12th floor. I'm going to take you guys with me and we'll see what the hell he wants up there. Here we go. Roger, throw to a quick commercial and then when we come out of it, I'll be upstairs at his office and we'll see what my... boss Mr. Featherstone wants. Go to a commercial, Rod. Yes, sir.

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Miss Massengill, the leader for 74 years. Well, here I am up in the lobby in the waiting room of my boss's office is right there, Mr. Featherstone, and there's Betty, his secretary. Hi, Betty. Is he ready for me? Okay, thank you very much. Here I go, folks. I'm going into my boss's office, Mr. Featherstone, and there he is at the desk.

Hello, sir, Mr. Featherstone, sir? Huh? Sir, it's Harland Williams. Hello? Yes, sir, Harlem Williams, you requested me? I don't request anything. I requested side of beef when I'm at a restaurant. That's what I request.

Well, I'm not a side of beef, sir. I bet you are to your guy friends. Excuse me? You know what I'm talking about? You and your guy friends hanging out of those funny bars down. Now, you're not going to start with that right out of the gate, sir. I don't go to funny bars. Oh, yeah?

What about the oily doorknob? You ever been to that one? The oily doorknob? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? No, I don't, sir. Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh.

Sir, why did you call me up here? I was in the middle of a podcast. A what? A podcast, sir? What is that? One of your new positions you do with your guys? Sir, would you stop it with the gay references? I can't help it if you were born that way.

Don't blame it on me if you like to be with your guy friends. I don't... I have heterosexual guy friends. I'm not gay, sir. Oh, that's not what I've been here, out in the street. What do you mean out in the street? I hear you've been hanging out of those funny bars downtown. What funny bars, sir?

How about the upside-down flat screen? The what? You heard me. The upside-down flat screen. That's right. I hear it's a sports slash guys bar. You know what, sir? Don't you know what me?

Sit down. We need to talk. What's your name again? Harland Williams, sir. What is it? Harland Williams. How... How...

Harland? Harland. Harland. Harland. Harland. That's it. Williams. Okay, sir, what, I was in the middle of a show.

Don't get snarky with me. Now, we got some business to take care of. Your ratings are slumping again. What do you mean again? Like, again, meaning over and over, like a flat tire rolling down the highway. Well, sir. Don't well, sir, me. And before we get into this

I got something important to ask you Yes, sir Have you ever farted on a dairy queen peanut buster parfait What? You know those peanut buster pafees And all vanilla ice cream With the fudge And they put peanuts all over them

Yes sir, I had them when I was a little boy Will you ever pull down your pants And fart on one, blow all the peanuts off What are you talking about, sir? I'm asking you, if you ever farted on a peanut bus to Parfay. Sir, I didn't come up here for this. Now, I'll tell you what you came up here for.

We're having a morale problem here at our office building, okay? Well, sir, I have noticed people are a little down. And they're down, because your ratings are down. You hear what I'm saying? Are you making the connection here, Mr. Connect the Dots? What? You heard me, Mr. Connect the Dots. The ratings are down, the morale is down.

Now, you're going to do something to pick things back up. Well, okay, sir, I'm a team player. I'll bet you are, especially downtown at your funny bars. I don't go to the funny bars, sir. Oh, really? What about the rusty paper shredder? The rusty paper shredder, sir. You heard me.

No, never been there, sir. Uh-huh. What? Ah, sir, what do you need me to do? It's Christmas time, okay? Harland. Halland Williams. What do you need me to do, sir?

This is getting very... Don't get sharp with me. Okay, Captain Creamsicle Clam? Captain Creamsicle Clam! You heard me. I don't even know what that means, sir. You ever have a cremicle clam? Yes

You ever see Captain America? Yes You ever had clam chowder? Yes Captain Creepsicle Clam, okay? Wow, sir Now listen, we're having a Christmas party, you understand? Yes, I had heard rumors

Well, it ain't a rumor, it's a fact And we don't have anyone to play Sandy Clause Oh, well, I'm sorry No, you don't have to be sorry because you're going to play Sandy Claus. What? That's right. You're going to dress up like Sandy Claus,

and people are going to sit on your lap and tell you what they want for Chrissy Mass. For Chrissy Mass? That's what I said. Sir, I'm not good at... I can't play Santa Claus. I'm not fat. You should look fat to me.

Hey, wait a minute, sir. Shut up, Chubby. Now, hey, let me ask you something. Before we get into this, Have you ever farted on a saltwater fish tank? What? You know those ones at the pet shop? They got the sea an enemies and the starfish and the sponges and shit.

Yes? Well, you ever pull down your pants, press your ass against the glass, and fart, scares the hell out of the fish. They swim all over the place like someone blew a firecracking in the water. You know what I'm saying? No, I don't, sir. Well, anyways, you're going to play sand. candy claws and people are going to sit on your lap at the uh holland highway christmas party you got it sir i'm not comfortable with this well i'm not comfortable with your ratings dropping down

kind of way your pants drop down at those funny bars you go to i don't go to the funny bars sir how about that one the ostrich of his head in the sand what yeah um sir ah Can you ever fart at Toys R Us? What are you talking about, sir? You know that kid's store? Yes? You ever go in and fart on a smurf, one of those little blue freaks, little fucking...

Sir, please! I don't fart in toy stores, and I don't fart on Smurfs. Well, maybe you should try it. Maybe it'll help your ratings or something. Now, you're going to play Sandy Clause on your next podcast. You're going to go to the... Christmas party, and you're going to play Santa Claus to everyone on staff.

You got that? It's Harlan, sir. You sound like a motorboat, sir. Yeah, I bet you sound like a motorboat when you're with your guys. I'm not with guys, sir. Sir? Ah. You ever fought in a tuba?

You ever go to the orchestra and they got that little piece on the end where the guy puts his mouth. It fits perfectly over your asshole. You put your asshole on there, you fart in there, and it makes your fart sound like it's yodeling. What was that, sir? That was me doing like a yodling fart noise. It's like you farting up in the Swiss Alps when you fart into a tuba. It echoes all over the place.

Sir, are we done here? No, we're not. Actually, we are. There goes my phone. Get the hell out of here. When am I supposed to do this Santa thing? sir on your very next podcast you're gonna play santa people are gonna sit on your lap hopefully it's not a lot of guys sitting on your lap sir would you stop with the guys uh-huh what uh-huh now get the hell out of here

harland get out of here i got to take this call thank you sir thank you hurry up god Thank you, Betty I hope I'll see you at the Christmas thing I guess you'll be sitting on my lap Good Lord All right Well, I'm now I'm all upset

I'm going to end the show right here folks You better tune in for the next podcast Because everyone's coming in I've got to play Santa And everyone's going to be sitting on my lap apparently This should be a real treat Man, I think I'm going to turn into a bad Santa. Wow.

All right, I don't want to leave it on a downer. Let's cheer things up here. Let's talk about something nice. How about tonight? How about tonight? If you're in Hollywood, if you're in Los Angeles, come out to the comedy store on Sunset Boulevard. This is going to be fun.

This is going to be super, super fun. We're doing a comedy show for charity. We're going to be giving money away to the, I think possibly the veterans or the wounded warriors or some group in need like that. So get your tickets to the comedy store. Monday, December 16th, that's tonight. Come down and see a bunch of really good comedians, make you laugh, and you're going to be doing some good sharing your.

hard-earned money with people that are in desperate need of it. And then early in the year, my first gig of the year will be January 2nd to January 4th in Orlando, Florida, ladies and gentlemen. It's going to be awesome at the Improv in Orlando, Florida. Get your tickets there at Improv.com. be my first show of the year, 2014, and then January 9th to the 12th. You can catch me at the improv here on the West Coast. I will be in Orange County at the Irvine Improv.

Make sure you check out Harlow Williams.com. Order from our store. Lots of great gifts on there. Books, CDs, movies, music, T-shirts, all kinds of great stuff. Nothing more fun than the gift of laughter. for Christmas and put your order in and we will mail that out to you

Pronto and you can put those things stuff them under the tree as we talked about earlier if you want to leave us a phone message you can call 323-739 4330 we might put your voicemail on the air talk about anything you want or if you're afraid to leave a voicemail

you can always write me at harlandwilliams.com and check out all things comedy.com. That is the podcast network where you can also find my podcast as well as a lot of other funny podcasts. Jake Johansen, Bill Burr, Al Magigal, people like that. And yeah, this is the season to be

jolly. Treat everyone nice. Put a smile on your face. Nine days to go to Christmas. And until then, ladies and gentlemen, make sure you eat lots and lots of Christmas style chicken chalmy baby old rudy Christmas

stuffing stuffin Thank you. Thank you.